Work Text:
It was still morning, and it was already warm outside. It seemed like today was going to be another hot day, despite last night's rain. Speaking of which, Minakami had just left to head to work for the day, and that meant that Tamamori finally had some alone time.
Tamamori made a small breakfast, and made himself eat all of it even though he wasn't really hungry. He was still upset that he had been fired from his job recently. It had only been eleven days since then, and it didn't seem like his old publishing company was going to take him back. So, he decided that the only thing he could do was search for a new publishing company. If he wanted a job as a reporter this time, which town should he go to? There were a few news publishing companies that Tamamori knew about from his time in Tokyo, but even though he had heard about them, hearing about a company and showing up at the company's doorstep to apply for a job were two completely different things.
So he sat at his table, playing around with where to go for the day. He had some savings built up because he hadn't really been buying anything except for food, ink and paper, and the occasional necessity, so he would have a little grace period before he really needed to find a job, but even still, the sooner he found one, the better. The last thing he wanted to do was ask Minakami to let him work at his family's sake business (or an even worse thought- having Minakami take care of him as if he were dependent upon him). He knew that Minakami would have his back if anything bad happened, but the biggest problem wasn't the money. The problem was, simply put, Tamamori wanted to be a writer! He had a need to write, be it in creative writing or journalism. He didn't want to be a sake brewer, nor did he want to be taken care of like he was Minakami’s pet goldfish.
So with that being said, he needed to find a town with a publishing company. But where should he head next…?
Tamamori was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn't notice that someone had walked up to his house. His glass doors were open, and by all means, he should have heard the footsteps trudging through the grass up to his veranda. Really, it was quite concerning how lost in his thoughts he tended to be, and it was this very same unaware attitude that often got him into trouble.
Tamamori only finally noticed his visitor when he heard the soft thud of footsteps against wood as they pulled themself up onto his veranda. He spun around, thinking that it must be Minakami who returned for some reason or other. He opened his mouth to speak, but what he saw dumbfounded him.
"K-Kawase-!?"
Standing inside his home was Kawase. He hadn't seen him in over a year, as Tamamori and Minakami had fled back to Aizu without a word to anybody, leaving Kawase all by himself in Tokyo. Looking at him now, Tamamori could hardly recognize him-...
-No, something seemed to be wrong, and it wasn't just the fact that they hadn't seen each other in over a year. Kawase's silhouette was backlit by the sun, and inside the darker house, Tamamori couldn't make out what was different about him, but something seemed to be wrong…
Very wrong.
Kawase was moving as stiffly as an elderly man, like his joints had rusted. On top of that, his clothes looked dirty and disheveled, something a clean freak like himself should ordinarily never have allowed to happen. He loathed being even a little dirty, so needless to say, to see Kawase in this state was shocking.
Just what had transpired that allowed for him to end up like this?
Tamamori stood to greet him, and was shocked further to see that Kawase looked worse the closer he got to him.
"Kawase, what are you doing back in Aizu?" Tamamori asked, his shock apparent in his voice.
"Tamamori-kun..." His voice sounded weak, as if his throat had completely dried up.
Tamamori suddenly remembered Madam's surprise visit yesterday. Thinking about it, there had just been a big earthquake in Tokyo. Kawase lived in Ikeda Manor, right by the Imperial Tokyo University, so his home must have been affected by the earthquake. If Kawase was here now, that meant he must have evacuated the city not long ago.
"You must have just left Tokyo after the earthquake, right? I-... I heard about it from Madam. It sounds like things are pretty bad there.” Kawase didn't say anything, and an idea occurred to Tamamori. “Oh, your throat is probably dry. You probably haven't drank anything in a long time, so here, let me-"
Tamamori couldn't even finish his sentence before Kawase collapsed. He managed to catch him in his arms, but Tamamori wasn't a physically strong person, and Kawase's weight was enough to throw him off balance.
In only the blink of an eye, they both fell to the floor.
"Look out! You could have hit your head just then!" Tamamori didn't know why his first instinct was to scold him.
Kawase didn't respond, and instead he only clung to Tamamori, as if it was all he could do. Even though the two had been friends for years, Tamamori didn't think he had ever been so close to Kawase. Being that he was obsessed with cleanliness, Kawase did his best to avoid touching anyone, let alone cling to them- albeit, this was less like clinging to someone, and more like having collapsed on them.
As Tamamori held him, he noticed how warm Kawase felt, and it wasn't in the cozy kind of way. He felt extremely hot, even feverish. Even someone as unaware as Tamamori knew that something wasn't right. He laid Kawase down with his head resting on a zabuton from the dining table.
“Let me get you some water first…” He said, his voice betraying how anxious he was feeling.
Tamamori poured Kawase a cup of water and brought it back to him. He cautiously held the cup of water out to him.
“Here, at least drink this.”
He was worried that Kawase might be so weak he couldn’t even take water, but this was not the case, and he managed to take the cup from him. He gulped the water down, as if desperate for even the tiniest bit of liquid. As Tamamori watched him drink, he noticed something. Both of Kawase’s hands seemed to be a bright red, and the skin had blistered on some parts of his arms. Looking even closer, he saw that Kawase’s gakuran jacket was singed as if it had been burned, and the sleeves were in particularly bad shape. It looked like the jacket had been ruined by whatever had burned it-... implying that Kawase had been wearing said jacket when it was so badly burned.
“Kawase, you look like you’ve been burned!” Tamamori stated, pointing to the now obviously bright red marks on his hands, “What happened? You got caught in the earthquake, but…”
That didn't explain how he had been burned.
Even though he had thought Kawase might not respond, he managed to open his mouth slowly. “There was a fire… There were fires all across Tokyo. The earthquake started at dinner time, so it must have wrecked people's stove tops that were lit. Buildings caught on fire, and the wind was fanning the flames, so no matter where I went, I couldn’t avoid it.”
Kawase had spoken with the same emotionless inflection that he usually did, but Tamamori was horrified.
“S-so, you were burned!?”
“That shitty wind blew the fire right into my face, so I had to cover my face with my arms- especially since I didn’t want to breathe in the smoke. But even still, this much couldn't be avoided…”
Kawase told his story as if he was complaining about a common nuisance, not recounting the tale of how he became horrifically injured.
Hearing this, Tamamori sighed a little anxiously, “I knew the earthquake was bad enough to close some rail lines, but I haven’t seen what it’s like. How bad was it?”
“Well, it was bad enough to completely raze Ikeda manor to the ground. I was leaving and didn't bother with taking a good look at it, but it seemed like everything in Jinbouchou will be gone now. If it didn’t collapse in the initial quake, it surely must have burned up afterwards.”
“It’s all gone!?” Tamamori cried.
“It’s all gone. I wouldn’t have left if it wasn’t gone.” Kawase’s voice was hoarse like he was sick, but his expression remained dull. Tamamori couldn’t say it was unlike Kawase to act stoic even in the face of death, but it was somehow more distressing than if he had simply acted even a little bit upset.
“...Doesn’t seem like there will be class for a while.” Kawase muttered, staring at a spot on Tamamori’s floor as if he were particularly displeased.
“Is that what you’re thinking about right now? Going to class!?” Tamamori scolded Kawase again, but the other didn’t seem to care.
Rather, it seemed like whatever was ailing Kawase was actively getting worse while they were talking. He coughed into his burnt sleeve, his throat sounding like he had swallowed a bucket of gravel. Tamamori could only wait for him to finish coughing; he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t a doctor, after all- he wasn’t even studying to be one, unlike Kawase.
But even someone with minimal medical knowledge like him could see that Kawase was not good. He was tremoring as if he were cold, even though it was a hot summer day and he felt so warm. He seemed to have a fever, and considering how bad the burns were on his hands, it was possible they had gotten infected.
“Um, I think you should see a doctor-!” Tamamori said suddenly, as if the idea had dropped into his head from the sky.
Kawase gave him a withered look of disgust, as if he couldn't even bear the thought of something like that. “Who needs a doctor? I just need to rest for a while…”
“No, I think you should really see a doctor…”
“Like I'm going to let someone else examine me…” Kawase curled his lip, but his usual acidic bite was not there.
“Are you still worried about that at a time like this? You look like you're going to die!” Tamamori proclaimed.
Tamamori was certain Kawase would argue with him until he was blue in the face, but even more concerningly, he refrained from saying anything beyond his initial refusal. His eyes were distant and feverish, as if he was only just barely staying awake. In fact, wasn’t it worrying how tame he had been? The Kawase he knew so well should be cursing at him, or pointing out which things were currently displeasing to him, but instead, he only sat quietly, as if the fire had turned him into a piece of charcoal.
Kawase must be sick if he wasn't fighting back.
…He must be really sick.
“I-I’ll be right back!” Tamamori jumped to his feet, and rushed to put on his shoes. Regardless of what Kawase had said earlier, he had made up his mind, and he ran to find the doctor.
ー ◯ ー
Tamamori knew he couldn’t carry Kawase, so taking him to the hospital had been off the table, and the only thing he could think to do was go to the closest doctor in Aizu. Tamamori had only met the current doctor who lived in Aizu once, a stark difference from having known the previous doctor, who had been Hanazawa’s father. It had been years now since Hanazawa’s father was killed, and he had since been replaced by a new doctor. However, who the new doctor was didn’t matter much at the moment, as long as they could help Kawase.
The doctor had been busy when Tamamori first went to fetch him, so Tamamori could only wring his hands until the doctor returned to his office. It was midafternoon before the doctor finally made it over to Tamamori’s house, and by then, Kawase had passed out asleep on the floor. Under ordinary circumstances, he should have never fallen asleep on Tamamori’s ‘unclean’ dining room cushion, and yet, there he was. Kawase’s bizarre behavior only frightened him further, and if it were not for the doctor’s calm demeanor, he wouldn’t have known what to do.
The doctor undressed Kawase so he could clean and treat his wounds. When the doctor removed his gakuran, Tamamori inhaled sharply, seeing the full extent of his burns. Rather than just saying Kawase’s hands were burned, it would be better to say that his hands, arms, and torso were burned, with the burns stretching from his rib cage up to his neck. Nothing beyond his fever had suggested wounds this extensive. If Tamamori were burned like how Kawase was now, he was certain that he would be doubled over in pain, almost unable to speak from the agony. And yet, he hadn’t given a single indication as to how much pain he must have felt.
After the doctor finished treating Kawase, they dressed him in the only extra hakama Tamamori owned, and laid him to rest in his spare futon (or rather, the one Minakami always slept in, but Tamamori wasn't about to mention that). So, once he was all tucked in, there was nothing else they could do. The doctor insisted that Kawase’s burns did not seem to be deep, and as long as his fever subsided, he should be fine in a few weeks.
The doctor left soon afterwards, expecting even more sick or injured people to arrive in Aizu soon. Apparently, the injured arriving from Tokyo were more than a few, and it was these people who the doctor had been caring for when Tamamori went to fetch him. It seemed the doctor would be busy for a long while afterwards, and he left with a bit of urgency.
And so, Tamamori was left alone with the still unconscious Kawase. His arms being wrapped entirely in bandages made him look like a mummy, and it gave Tamamori an idea for a new manuscript… Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to stand up and grab his bottle of ink and stack of papers. It was as if he was rooted to the tatami floor, staring at the unnaturally still figure lying in front of him.
Somehow, it reminded him of seeing Minakami on the autopsy table. But back then, Kawase had been standing beside him, not laying in front of him.
ー ◯ ー
When Minakami arrived, the sun was beginning to set, and it was finally starting to get cooler. Tamamori heard Minakami put his shoes aside and step into the house like usual.
“I see you made yourself dinner today. That’s good. I was worried after you said you didn’t want to eat yesterday,” Minakami said, greeting Tamamori with a small nod and a smile.
“Well, I suppose I had to make dinner, because I figured that he hadn’t eaten in a while, either,” Tamamori said vaguely.
Minakami was understandably confused, and instead of explaining with words, Tamamori could only bring himself to point with his arm straight out in the direction of the bedroom. Minakami walked over to the bedroom and peered inside before he quickly turned around and walked back.
“He must be in pretty bad shape if he’s lying there so obediently. It’s not like him at all,” Minakami said with a sigh. He took a seat across from Tamamori, his expression much graver than it had been only a minute ago.
“I had the doctor that took care of Grandma last time come over to see him. He said that he’ll be alright, as long as his fever goes down,” Tamamori said.
“That’s good, then. What happened to him? Did he get caught in falling debris?”
It seemed that Minakami understood Kawase had been caught in the earthquake, even without anyone explaining it.
Tamamori explained further, “No, he said he got caught in a fire. It sounds like there were high winds that picked up flames from some buildings that caught on fire, and the wind made it hard to avoid getting burned. His hands seem quite bad. I don’t know how he even made it here in that state, honestly.”
Minakami shook his head helplessly. “Other workers at the warehouse were talking, and it sounds like a lot of people are missing or injured. I know you said you wanted to take a camera and go to Tokyo so you could document the earthquake, but I’m glad you didn’t go. It sounds like it’s much worse than we initially imagined.”
“I was just about to head out to see it myself when Kawase walked in…”
Tamamori was a somewhat unempathetic person, and even though the shopkeeper had shown him what Jinbouchou looked like after the earthquake through his memories, he still found it hard to imagine what the scene was like. Thinking about it now, the shopkeeper had warned him that this cataclysmic earthquake would happen. It wasn’t that Tamamori had forgotten about those things, but he didn’t know what to think when the shopkeeper talked about things like the great war or the 1923 earthquake. Those things had seemed like distant futures to him, and they seemed like things far out of his control. Having known those events would happen, could Tamamori have prevented Kawase from getting hurt? Could he have warned him? He could have told Kawase to leave Tokyo a day sooner, but knowing Kawase’s nature, it didn’t seem likely that he would have believed Tamamori even if he had told him.
What’s more was, the shopkeeper had never mentioned Kawase getting badly injured in the earthquake. Madam and Naoshi had died in the earthquake in the shopkeeper's timeline, but in his own timeline, they were alive. Tamamori was happy to discover that this time they had made it out alright, but it seemed that in exchange, now Kawase was the one who was injured. In the shopkeeper's universe, Kawase had seemed fine. What had been different about the shopkeeper's timeline and this one? Why had Kawase gotten hurt? Had Tamamori done something in this universe that caused him to get hurt?
…Was it his fault?
Minakami couldn’t read Tamamori’s mind, but he could sense that something was bothering him. He figured that it likely had to do with the man who was deep asleep in the other room.
“If you don’t want to take care of Kawase, we could take him to the hospital tomorrow morning. It probably put a lot of pressure on you, to have him suddenly appear like he did,” Minakami said.
For reasons he could not explain, Tamamori felt averse to his suggestion. “No, it’s not that big of a deal. So far, all he’s done is sleep. Besides, he would throw a fit if we tried to drag him to the hospital.”
Minakami sighed. “After what happened between his father and Hanazawa’s father, it seems Kawase still doesn’t want to go back to that hospital, right?”
He looked at Minakami with some surprise. Tamamori was bad at picking up on things even if they should be obvious, but now that Minakami had mentioned it…
“Do you think he’s afraid of going to the hospital in Aizu?” Tamamori asked.
“I don’t know what goes on inside Kawase’s head, and I could hardly guess. I just think that with all the bad memories Kawase has of his father at the hospital and at his old home… It’s no surprise that he ended up coming to your house instead of his own. Even when he starts to get better, I doubt that Kawase will want to stay at his old family’s home. It was part of the reason he was so eager to be adopted by Ikeda-san, wasn’t it?”
Minakami was avoiding bringing up the specifics of Kawase’s past, but he didn’t have to for Tamamori to understand. Kawase had probably felt free when he finally left his old family home. It was like he had gotten a new life, a fresh start. He could leave the shackles of his difficult and often violent past behind. But now a natural disaster had forced Kawase to retreat back to the place where he grew up- the place where he had suffered tremendous abuse at the hands of cruel adults…
Of course he wouldn’t be happy.
He couldn't be happy.
“Kawase said Ikeda manor was destroyed by the earthquake and subsequent fires. I doubt he can return to Tokyo soon,” Tamamori said.
“It seems like that was to be expected, based on what I’ve heard from other people,” Minakami said.
To surmise…
“Kawase’s going to be living here for quite a while, isn’t he?” Tamamori said, the realization dawning on him.
“Well, unless you don’t want him to. I’m sure we could find another place for him to stay if you really aren’t okay with it,” Minakami said, a bit of a complex look crossing his face.
Understandably, Minakami wouldn’t be happy with these new living arrangements. It was probably pretty surprising to come over and see Kawase sound asleep in his futon. Minakami was the kind of person that would never say it bothered him, but Tamamori knew that he must be a bit uneasy about the situation. And who wouldn’t be, if a rather prickly guest suddenly showed up at their house and was sound asleep in their bed?
“We’ll talk about what to do with him once he’s a little better. Knowing him, once he’s better, he’ll probably run off on his own. But for now, I’m just worried about the fever the doctor said he has,” Tamamori said.
“It seems like you have your work cut out for you. I’ll help you take care of him. He’s my friend too, after all. I wonder when he’ll wake up…?”
Little did they know, the man in the other room had woken up when the two of them had started talking, and he had heard the whole conversation. Listening, with an ice cold expression.
ー ◯ ー
After hanging out a bit more, Minakami went to his family’s home for the evening. Firstly, he currently didn't have a futon to sleep on. And secondly (and more importantly), Minakami had the feeling that if he stayed over, it would definitely cause a scene. And while he was not afraid to confront Kawase if need be, he didn't want to- for Tamamori's sake.
After Minakami left, Tamamori decided to give Kawase some food. He checked, and it seemed that he was finally awake again, sitting upright in his futon, bathed in the quickly dimming evening light. He silently brought him a bowl and some chopsticks over, and cautiously offered the food out to him, like one might offer a fish to an angry bear. Tamamori half expected that Kawase would refuse to accept the food he had made, and that he might curse at him for bringing him something he personally had 'contaminated'- but, contrary to his expectations, he took the bowl and silently began eating.
It was painful, trying to watch Kawase eat his dinner with injured hands. His fingers were so burnt that it had eaten away at the skin, and the skin around his joints had grown terribly stiff, like a wound that had scabbed over. He couldn't bend his fingers well, so he struggled to hold his chopsticks.
Even though Tamamori and Kawase had a relationship where they could tease each other without restraint and laugh freely at each other's misfortune, Tamamori could not bring himself to laugh at Kawase's awkward attempt to eat dinner. It was just so unlike him… Kawase was usually so effortlessly successful, even when he was doing something most people found difficult, and frankly, it was shocking to see that he too could struggle with something so basic. Tamamori thought about offering to feed him by hand, but he knew Kawase well enough to know that such an offer would be an even graver insult to his already damaged pride. So, the only thing he could think to do was to leave him alone. He would go and write something until late evening, perhaps.
The more Tamamori thought about it, the more unsettled he felt. It was unsettling to see Kawase as so human-... but no, that wasn't quite right. He had always known Kawase was human; they had grown up together, and they still called each other by the silly nicknames that they had picked out as children. That wasn't the reason he was so unnerved.
Then, why was he so unnerved? Tamamori mulled over it again and again, and it ended up taking him a few hours to finally realize the reason why.
It must be… because Kawase seemed so vulnerable.
Kawase was a strong person. Even though Tamamori would never tell him he thought so to his face, Kawase was the strongest person he knew. Even after he had been through so many hardships, even though he had been dealt a bad hand in life, he still fought to survive with such vigor. He had marched straight past Minakami and Tamamori who were complacent in life, and he had reached for the future he wanted with outstretched fingers, as if failure had never been an option for him.
And now, he was in such a bad way that he could hardly feed himself. He would heal, surely, he would heal, and he would be back to his old self in no time. It would be like he had never been injured. He had to. Tamamori decided it was far too painful to watch someone so strong and so prideful be reduced to such a vulnerable state.
If Minakami were injured like Kawase had been, Tamamori knew that it would not be so painfully awkward between them. If Minakami were ever injured to the point he could not eat, Tamamori would simply feed him, himself. Minakami was not prideful, and he would gladly accept any help Tamamori would give him. The same could not be said about Kawase- it was ridiculous to even think it.
Kawase had never had a chance to be vulnerable in life. To show weakness in his circumstances would have been a death sentence. If Kawase had shown any weakness, then surely he would have been preyed upon by the unscrupulous people in his life. A pack of wolves would attack a deer if they knew its leg was injured, so the matter was simple- don't get injured, and if you do get injured, certainly don't show it. Kawase had lived that kind of life until now. It was why he was so strong, and also why he was so vicious. He had more thorns than a thistle- but he had needed every single one of those thorns at some point in his life. Thorns were valuable- more than anything, they were.
There was nothing else Tamamori could do. He simply waited until it was bedtime, sitting in front of a manuscript page that he had only written a handful of scattered characters on. And when it was bedtime, he went to collect the bowl Kawase had eaten from. He had actually managed to eat all of it, albeit, who knew how slowly. Not that it mattered; what mattered was that he ate.
Tamamori supposed that he should go to bed himself. It was dark out, and even if he wanted to stay up, he couldn't think of what he wanted to do. So, he pulled out his own futon, and crawled into it. From where he lay, he could hear Kawase's soft breathing...
He didn't know if the sound was comforting, or disquieting...
ー ◯ ー
"I really feel like you've made some great progress these past two weeks," Tamamori said to the man who was sitting up in his futon, "What can I say? I am a great nurse, after all. You're probably thinking it's too bad I don't have an interest in medical school."
If looks could kill, Tamamori might have dropped dead right there. "Something tells me that it was actually a good thing you could never test into university..." As per usual, Kawase's words were venomous, but his voice was even softer than it ordinarily was- he still hadn’t fully recovered from the fever he had.
"You don't think I'd make a great nurse?" Tamamori said.
"What doctor would have you work for them?" Kawase said.
Tamamori smiled crookedly. "What, are you telling me that you wouldn't have hired me as a nurse when you become a doctor? Think about it! I'm so talented and well put-together, who wouldn't want me by their bedside?"
"You, working as a nurse for me..." Kawase muttered, an odd look crossed his face briefly, before he schooled his expression into a smile. “I’d rather die. What? You think that I would want to be investigated for malpractice?”
“Investigated for malpractice? As if! You're such a control freak, even if I did work for you as a nurse, you wouldn't let me do anything,” Tamamori huffed.
Kawase seemed to agree with the sentiment, but for a completely different reason. “It would be in the patients’ best interests if I didn't let you do anything.”
Tamamori and Kawase always joked back and forth like this, and in spite of the vitriol they spat at each other, it was… strangely nice? It had been a long time since they had been together for any extended period, and Tamamori had missed conversing in this kind of casual and direct way. Tamamori didn't have a lot of people he was close to in the first place, and even the few he was close to wouldn't joke around with him like Kawase would.
Maybe… just maybe… Tamamori had missed Kawase a teeny-tiny bit more than he liked to admit. And even though it probably hadn't been enjoyable for Kawase to have been burnt to a crisp, Tamamori was happy that such unfortunate circumstances had allowed them an opportunity to be with each other once more, even if just for a small while.
But all things come to an end eventually.
"Oh, Kawase! I just remembered…” Tamamori said, “I was asking around about what's happening at the imperial university on your behalf. Even though it sounds like most of the buildings were destroyed, I heard that they're planning on having classes start again, and soon! It seems like most of the classes are going to be held outside for now. Can you believe they're going to start again so soon?"
"Well, it's not like people are having fun just sitting in the rubble not doing anything. It's not too surprising they want to return to some semblance of normal as soon as possible," Kawase said.
There was a truth to his words that couldn't be denied… pretending like things were normal, even when they were the furthest thing from normal, was a good way to cope with everything.
"Then… does that mean you're going to leave soon?" Tamamori asked.
"Want me gone so badly?"
"N-no! It's not like that. I was just thinking, it's probably still pretty difficult, yeah?" Tamamori said, not meeting Kawase's gaze. “And besides, your hands are still in pretty bad shape, aren't they? You probably can't write well, right now…"
"My hands will be fine, even if I can't move them as well as before. And it's not like they'll heal any faster whether I stay here or go there."
Tamamori wanted to sigh. Even if it was selfish, he didn't want Kawase to leave yet. Even though Tamamori still had Minakami- and he would always have Minakami- he missed Kawase. Kawase becoming injured was the longest amount of time they had spent together since Tamamori and Minakami returned to Aizu together. He hadn't realized how much he missed hanging out with this spiky cactus of a human. He knew that Kawase would have to return to the imperial university someday, and in fact, it was for the best that Kawase returned to the imperial university and followed his dream of becoming a doctor. That was what would make Kawase the happiest, Tamamori thought.
But, in spite of it all...
He couldn't shake the feeling that this might be one of the last times he'd see Kawase in his life. He couldn't explain it, but he just felt like the moment Kawase stepped out his door, he would disperse into the air like a puff of cigarette smoke, never to be seen by his own eyes again. Even though Tamamori was the one who had run away from Kawase in the first place, he couldn't help but feel a little melancholy at the thought.
Nothing was forever, he reminded himself.
"Even still..." Tamamori started, "Classes haven't started yet, and you're still sick, so you'll have to stay here for at least another week."
"I suppose it can't be avoided." Somehow, it seemed that Kawase wasn't as frustrated as Tamamori imagined him. Maybe he figured that he could endure one more week of staying at Tamamori’s house since classes were starting again soon and the end was in sight- yes, that surely must be it. Kawase must be eager to get back to school so he could chase after the dream he had fought so hard for.
Even if Tamamori couldn't shake the strange premonition in his chest, he pushed it aside. As long as Kawase would be staying with him for another week or so, then he could make him read at least a few more of the short stories he'd written over the past year.
Tamamori even told Kawase as much. "And while you’re here, why don’t you tell me what you think of a few more of my manuscripts. I’ve been working hard on them, you know."
Kawase had a dull expression on his face. "Please have mercy and spare me," he deadpanned.
Even as he spoke with such an expression on his face, Kawase's posture was quite relaxed, and it didn’t seem like he considered Tamamori’s request to be anything out of the ordinary. He probably would read them if Tamamori brought him a manuscript and left it sitting beside his futon, and that was exactly what Tamamori planned to do throughout the upcoming week.
…The safety of the manuscript after Kawase read it wasn’t guaranteed, however.
ー ◯ ー
Then, a few days later, Tamamori returned home.
It was evening, and he had been out all afternoon in a nearby town, scouring for a job at a publishing company. Unfortunately for him, he had once again returned home empty-handed. He had eased off job searching while he had been caring for Kawase these past two-ish weeks, but now that his health had improved, he decided that it was time to crack on with the job search again. It had taken him most of the day, and he spent a lot of his time walking around in neighborhoods he had never been to before, asking for directions. And even when he had finally found a publishing company, they didn't seem like they were too eager to interview him.
No matter… He couldn't let a few failures stop him from trying again.
The sky was filled with hues of yellow, orange and pink, and the cicadas were singing their song cacophonously. The air was stiflingly humid, and paired with the hot weather, sweat was dripping down the back of his neck. The weather was even so unbearably hot that he had loosened the top buttons on his shirt, allowing for his sweat-covered collar bone to peek through his shirt.
What a quintessential summer day! There really wasn't anything else like it… if only these searing hot summer days were more pleasant. They weren't at all like the soft, dreary weather of the rainy season. It was like night and day: polar opposites.
The first thing Tamamori noticed when he stepped onto the veranda of his home was that, strangely, there were already two pairs of shoes left outside the door. One pair was Kawase's shoes that had been left there for the past two weeks, and the other pair was just as easy to recognize- they were Minakami's zouri. Somehow, it seemed strange to see the two pairs of shoes together. Minakami had not bothered to visit Kawase once when Tamamori had not been there, so for there to be two pairs of shoes now must mean that the two men were inside his home together.
It seemed that Minakami had finally visited Kawase, but something didn't seem quite right. Tamamori took off his own shoes and carefully placed them next to Minakami's, stepping inside his home.
"I'm back," he mouthed, but his throat was so dry, no voice came out.
He noticed he had left some water out and went to take a drink, grateful his own laziness had saved him a hassle.
As he drank, he heard a loud crash followed by cursing. Tamamori was so startled, he nearly dropped the glass of water he was drinking from. He set the glass down and rushed into his bedroom, where the noise had come from.
When he slid the door open, what he saw shocked him. Kawase was sitting on the tatami floor, dripping wet, while Minakami stood over him, an unusual expression of rancor staining his face. Both men froze and looked at Tamamori.
"H-Hey! What are you guys doing!?"
After hearing Tamamori's voice, Minakami's expression turned from one of shock to one of embarrassment, while Kawase's own expression of shock turned bitterly dark. There was a smashed bottle of Calspi on the ground next to Kawase. The glass from the bottle had completely shredded the tatami mat it landed on, and the glass shards had flown in every direction. If anything, it seemed like someone had thrown the Calspi bottle.
Kawase's head was the one that was soaking wet, and the bottle looked like it had landed near him, but that would mean that Minakami must have been the one to throw the bottle, and that simply didn't make any sense. Minakami wasn't the kind of guy to throw something in a fit of anger, let alone throw something at someone.
And yet…
Finally, Kawase began laughing. He laughed and laughed. It was a laugh devoid of mirth, and his expression was one of bitter defeat.
“Ah… I see how it is. I'll save you the trouble of explaining this to Tamamori-kun. It'll save me the trouble, too…” Kawase looked at Minakami, and when he looked at him, his eyes showed nothing but hatred. It was a deep hatred, one that sunk into the bones and infected every part of his being; the kind of hatred that existed even without anger, a hatred that was there in the dark, there in the light, there whether or not there was anything left.
Minakami looked at him with hatred, but it wasn't the same kind- his hatred only reached his skin. He was disgusted, like one was disgusted by something rotten or unpleasant, but it was a hatred soon forgotten when it was out of his sight. But Minakami also seemed to be looking at Kawase with something else. Surely, that look was…
Vindication.
Of course, Tamamori couldn't gleam a fraction of this- he was far too shocked.
“What do you mean you'll save yourselves the trouble of explaining this to me!? T-this is… this is my house! What are you guys doing?” Tamamori exclaimed.
Minakami hung his head, bowing slightly in Tamamori's direction. "Tamamori, I'm sorry, I…"
It seemed like he couldn't finish his sentence for some reason, but Kawase filled in for him.
"Minakami was going to pour himself a glass of that wretched Calspi you like so much, and he spilled it all over me- as you can see. So useless, a guy that can't even pour himself a drink…"
"A-ah... That's right," Minakami nodded, but his face was red.
"But… there aren't even any cups in my room…" Tamamori pointed out.
"That's only because he wanted to drink from the bottle, of course," Kawase said.
"Y-yeah…" Minakami nodded.
It was obvious something was up.
"But wait! Wait just a minute!" Tamamori said, "Kawase, why aren't you cursing Minakami? You- you would curse anyone who dropped a single hair in your direction, but Minakami dumps an entire bottle of Calspi on your head and you're not mad!?"
"Oh Tamamori-kun, that's where you're wrong. I am mad. I'm so mad, I could gladly wrap my hands around Minakami's throat and end his pathetic life," Kawase's voice was flat and without any inflections, but there was something hiding behind his eyes.
"Minakami… Why, why would you…?"
The whole scene was wrong. How could Kawase get soaked and then the glass bottle end up smashed against the mat? Why wasn't Kawase cursing Minakami's name to the moon and back? Why was Minakami standing there sheepishly? The story didn't make any sense, and the characters were saying cheap lines, but Tamamori could not find the words to refute them.
"Tamamori…" Minakami said suddenly, "I think I'll head home for the day. I'll get you a new tatami mat to replace the one that I ruined. I'll bring it over sometime in the next few days. I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused you."
Minakami bowed his head low in Tamamori's direction.
"N-no, it's okay, but… shouldn't you apologize to Kawase for getting him dirty?" Tamamori said.
However, Minakami did not address this matter, and instead, he simply headed out of the bedroom, sliding the door shut behind him.
And just before the door slid shut, unbeknownst to Tamamori, who was facing the inside the room, Minakami smiled at Kawase.
The sick, gloating smile of the victor at the top of the mountain, smiling down at those who had lost- the man in the abyss.
Kawase was so disgusted, he looked like he could have thrown up.
Tamamori knew from experience that calspi was sticky when spilled, and being that Kawase was already something of a neat freak, he had to be beside himself at being covered in something so sugary. He had still been wearing Tamamori's only spare hakama and undershirt, but there was no way that it wouldn't need to be washed now. It was an abhorrent situation for him to be in.
"Kawase, I-" Tamamori started to speak but when Kawase shot him an angry glare, his voice faltered for a moment. He didn't know what he was going to say at first, but he changed his mind, and instead said, "I'll draw you some water so you can wash yourself off. And then while you're washing, I'll try to find you something else you can wear…"
Kawase did not say anything to this, which Tamamori took to mean he was fine with this arrangement. And so, he drew some water, and placed it and a washcloth on the back veranda by his room so that Kawase could wash himself in peace. Of course, Tamamori also had the now sticky hakama and undershirt thrown at him, but that was to be expected.
Tamamori took the clothing to his kitchen table, and gave it a withering look. There were some old people who swore up and down that in order to properly and thoroughly wash hakama and kimono, you had to remove the seams of the outfit, unsewing the whole garment into pieces of fabric in order to wash it, as per the arai-hari way. But Tamamori couldn't sew, and he was far too lazy to even attempt such a miserable chore. So he simply dunked the poor clothing in some hot water and brushed off as much as he could- and even that much was miserable.
When he was done, he went behind his house to hang his clothing to dry. As he was hanging, he saw that Kawase must have finished washing, as he was sitting in Tamamori's room with the sliding door open. He was facing away from him, but he must have found something to wear, because his back was covered in a white shirt.
Tamamori finished up, and walked up to Kawase like one might walk up to a wild animal.
Looking closely, he saw that Kawase had put his old school uniform on, sans the gakuran jacket. The pants were still a bit singed, but the white shirt actually seemed to be mostly fine.
"Ah, Kawase! It seems you've found something to wear. I'm glad…" His voice trailed off.
It was strange. Kawase should have been cursing Minakami, cursing him, and cursing this whole stupid world, but instead he said nothing. He sat hunched over, his head down low, his still dripping-wet hair hanging like black strands of ink around his head.
Something stupid occurred to Tamamori. "Did… did you and Minakami have a fight..?"
They were his friends, why would they fight?
“No, of course we didn't fight.” Kawase's voice was low, but smooth. He said it easily.
‘No, of course we didn't fight.’
“A-ah! That's good, then…”
Tamamori was someone that never knew what to do in bad situations. He was socially inept, and even if he wanted to mean well, he struggled to know what to say.
"Your… your hair's still soaking wet. Why don't I dry it for you?"
Tamamori didn't know why he suggested it, as he knew Kawase hated being touched by others. He didn't know why he went and grabbed a dry towel from the shelf, and he certainly didn't know why he placed the towel over Kawase's head and began drying his hair.
And all the more strange was, even with the clumsy and not so gentle Tamamori drying his hair, Kawase sat in tolerant silence.
The sun was setting now, and the streaks of dying light across the sky seemed to be dyeing the room in a gentle red color. The cicadas sang their song of the dying summer in the distance, the only sound to be heard save for their breathing.
He didn't know why, but he felt hot and cold all at once. The whole situation was strange, and he couldn't understand it.
Why? Why had any of this happened?
Lost in thought, Tamamori's fingers accidentally brushed against Kawase's ear. He jolted like he had been shocked, and it seemed that he could be tolerant no longer.
In a lilted voice that didn't suit him, Kawase said, "Tamamori-kun, stop."
"Huh? But your hair's still wet."
"It doesn't matter."
"H-Huh? Yes, it does. You're still injured from the fires, right? And now you want to sit around all wet and get yourself sick? Look, even a guy like me knows that's bad!"
Tamamori removed the towel, but without thinking, he placed his hand on Kawase's head.
As if he had been burned, he smacked his hand away.
It didn't hurt, but Tamamori was surprised, and he grew irritated.
"What's with you guys? You're acting so weird and-..." And Kawase still hadn't raised his head to look at him. "And I feel like you're hiding something from me."
Tamamori sat down in front of him. Backlit by the sun, Kawase's form seemed completely dark, almost a silhouette.
"Forget it."
"No, I don't want to forget it!"
"Tamamori-kun, leave me be…"
Somehow, it sounded like a warning, but Tamamori was never one to heed warnings. Instead, he had grown tired of waiting for Kawase to look at him, and he placed a hand on his forehead, leaning forward slightly, he intended to tilt his face upwards.
However, that was the breaking point, and without further warning, Kawase lunged at him.
He pushed Tamamori to the floor, pinning his arms on either side of him. The wood underneath the tatami matting creaked, and Kawase's fingernails dug into his arms.
He ached from having been shoved so roughly, and he groaned.
“Ka-Kawase… What are you do-...!?”
However, he could not finish his sentence, for in the next second, Kawase had pressed their mouths together.
Tamamori froze for a moment, completely in shock.
Kawase. Kawase was kissing him. Kawase, who hated his guts and probably wanted to push him off a tall mountain, was kissing him. Something like this should not have been happening. The two of them, while they could call themselves friends, got along just about as well as cats and dogs. They hardly spent any time together without flinging insults at each other, how could something like a kiss occur between them? What's more was, Kawase was disgusted by him, and he should not even deign to be touched by his own hands, let alone voluntarily press their mouths together. To him, Tamamori was unclean (wasn't he?), and to touch him would be like tarnishing himself- or, at least it would seem that is what he would think.
The next moment, a thought occurred to Tamamori: 'Ah, this feels good.'
In the third moment, another thought occurred to Tamamori: 'Oh, I'm in a relationship with Minakami.'
In the fourth moment, Tamamori finally managed to push Kawase off of him.
"Kawase, s-stop! Please stop…!"
Kawase stopped, looking down at him with an indescribable expression.
"You- you…" Tamamori's voice faltered; he was breathless, and his face was stained as red as the surrounding room. "W-why did you kiss me?"
Kawase did not speak, and so Tamamori's mind raced to find answers.
"You… you must know that Minakami and I are in a relationship! Yes, that's it!" Tamamori said.
Kawase acknowledged this, "Yes, that's true. I do know that you and Minakami are in a relationship. I confirmed that two weeks ago."
"Then, that's why you kissed me! B-because…" Tamamori was speaking far too hastily, his heart beating wildly, "Because you're mad at Minakami. You're so mad at him, you hate him, and you know we're in a relationship, and so to get back at him for spilling Calspi on you, you want to defile me!"
That was the only answer that Tamamori could come up with that made sense, and he desperately clung to it before Kawase viciously shattered that idea.
“You're as thick as ever,” Kawase sighed, "Well, you are right about one thing… I hate Minakami."
"Y-yeah...?"
"And you're right about another thing, Tamamori-kun…" Kawase grabbed him by his jaw, leaning in close to his ear, he spoke softly, his seemingly emotionless voice feeling hot in his ear. "I want to defile you."
Tamamori felt Kawase press a kiss to his ear, and he felt a wave of revulsion (or was it attraction?). However, it didn't seem that Kawase wanted to stop there, because his lips gently moved along Tamamori's carotid artery, and his left hand was pressed against his chest.
"Kawa-" Tamamori tried to complain again, but his mouth was once again sealed by the other's lips.
This time however, despite the voice in the back of his head, Tamamori found himself wrapping his arms around Kawase's back. In spite of that voice that was telling him not to, in spite of the guilt he felt in his heart, in spite of everything, he found himself pulling him closer, sinking deeper into his taste.
He couldn't shake the feeling that this might be one of the last times that he saw Kawase in his life. He couldn't explain it, but he just felt like the moment Kawase stepped out his door, he would disperse into the air like a puff of cigarette smoke, never to be seen by his own eyes again.
He had never wanted this to happen. Kawase was his friend; he had never wanted any of this to happen.
He didn't like Kawase and Minakami in the same way- he knew that much was true. But how did he feel about Kawase?
And how did Kawase feel about him…?
"Kawase, you… The reason you want to defile me…" Tamamori spoke in spite of the hands that seemed to be pulling him ever closer, fear tinging his voice. "...Is it because you hate me?"
"No... I don't… I don't hate you."
"You don't hate me?"
"I've never hated you. I li-" Kawase bit his tongue.
"H-huh…?"
Kawase swore under his breath, but somehow, it didn't seem like he was swearing at Tamamori.
"Idiot…"
To his shock, when he looked up at Kawase's face, he saw that there was a single bead of water rolling down his face. That single drop of water made him speechless. It was an unbelievable sight, one that made as little sense as Kawase's words and actions. Why had he become like this? What was he thinking?
With Kawase leaning down over him like this, Tamamori couldn't think. He felt his warm body heat sinking into him. It was warm, warmer than the uncomfortable summer air outside. Had he always been this warm? Tamamori realized with a hazy thought: he didn't know.
He reached a hand up to his face slowly. But just before his hand touched that single bead rolling down his face, Kawase suddenly pushed him away, scrambling backwards as if he were once again terrified of being touched. Tamamori froze in place. It was too soft to make out, but it almost sounded like Kawase murmured, "I know better..."
Before Tamamori could even open his mouth to ask what he meant by not hating him, Kawase stood up on shaky legs, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. The haze was leaving him, and inexplicably, Tamamori had a bad feeling in his chest.
"W-wait- Kawase, where are you going?" He found himself asking.
However, Kawase did not reply. He didn't say anything.
In the next moment, he ran out of the room. He ran outside, along the veranda to the front of the house. Tamamori was much slower about standing- somehow, it seemed like his legs were even shakier than Kawase's had been. He ran through the house to reach the front veranda. By that point, Kawase was already pulling on his shoes.
"Wait, where are you going? Kawase-!"
Tamamori made a motion to reach for his own shoes, but Kawase grabbed them before he could lay a hand on them. He turned and proceeded to throw the shoes far, and they ended up landing in the grass some distance away.
"Kawase, why are you...?"
Despite all of his protests, despite all of the things he wanted to say, despite all of the things he wanted to hear, Kawase only spoke once more.
"Don't follow me."
And then, he left. His form retreated in the opposite direction of the retreating sun, his shadow ahead of him as his silhouette became smaller and smaller, fading into the distance. He left, and Tamamori remained rooted to his spot on the veranda. He called out pathetically to him, knowing in his heart that no matter how much he cried out, Kawase would never come back to him.
Like a puff of cigarette smoke, he was blown away by the wind.
And they would never meet again.