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How long had he been walking? Anders put one foot in front of the other mindlessly, hearing the crunch underneath his feet as they dragged the snow underneath him. He was tired, so tired but he didn't dare make camp, he didn't dare sleep. He had to make it to Skyhold, he needed to ask what exactly happened to Hawke, and if she was truly gone, he needed to ask where she was buried. His heart wrenched at the mere thought of it, he wanted to scream and cry. How could they have done this to him, to Hawke? How could Varric not written?
He had heard the news, from Fenris of all people, granted the elf still didn't like him but, he was surprised by his arrival at the inn. He hadn't told anyone where he had been staying. Anders remembered the elf's bright green eyes, red from tears he had probably been shedding in private. Before Anders could ask him anything, Fenris handed him the letter, patted him on the shoulder and whispered, "I'm sorry", his deep voice was almost raw from emotion. Then he turned on his heel and left.
Anders had impatiently read the letter, looking at every word, not believing what had been written. Then he saw the tear stains that had dried on the paper, marring some of the words. That's how he knew it had to be real. Oh Fenris. He had forgotten that Marian was his friend too. Maybe he had judged him too harshly when they were in Kirkwall. Out of everyone there, he had been a true friend. He had had the decency to come tell him what the rest hadn't. Anders felt anger stampede over the sadness he had felt. Was he truly this hated?! Maker's breath, he was staying near Weisshaupt and not even Carver had the decency to tell him, not even by post.
He could feel Justice stirring about within him, almost threatening to take over. Anders shook his head, Justice needed to stay deep within the recesses of his being, his time of vengeance was long past. He had promised Marian ever since the Chantry incident to keep himself in check. It was hard to not lose control, especially now. So he walked and he'd continue walking until he got to Skyhold.
He could feel his body aching for sleep, for rest but whenever he'd close his eyes, he'd see her and he couldn't face her. Not now, not until he had exhausted all possibilities of finding her. He loved her and he knew she knew it, but his mind would fill with dread as soon as he thought about their last conversation.
They had argued, Hawke wanted to make up for Kirkwall, for having aided him in blowing up the Chantry. Anders couldn't fathom that she was putting herself in danger again and in a moment of insecurity had made it all about him. How she was abandoning him the first chance she got, using the excuse that Corypheus was using the so-called "False Calling" to manipulate Grey Wardens, just to leave him. He remembered his last words to her, "If you leave now, don't bother coming back and if you die, I'll never forgive you." All she could reply was "I love you."Before she closed the door behind her, she had given him one last sad look, her sad blue eyes were still ingrained in his memory. He had been so stupid, he had been such an arse. He had been a stupid arse and he couldn't take it back what he said.
He knew in his heart that she would have never believed his words, but it still hurt. He couldn't tell her what he had really wanted to say: "I love you, stay safe and come back to me." Maybe those words would have brought her back to him, maybe she'd be back in his arms now. He should have run after her, asked her for forgiveness and told her to bring him with her, false Calling be damned.
He could hear it softly as he walked, the warped melody that played in the background of his mind. It didn't matter, he welcomed it. Anything to free him of this pain in his chest.
It sang in Marian's voice, he could hear the honeyed words,
"You'll soon be free, if you come to me. Rest your eyes and let me speak, the blood in your veins wishes to fly, surrender your mind and you will be mine, the black blood reigns, do not be afraid. When the time comes, you will feel no pain."
Anders could only laugh, Marian couldn't sing if her life depended on it. He remembered the time a bunch of Templars had come into the tavern they had been staying at, looking for him. It had been so crowded they couldn't move, all she had to do was start singing and they were pushed out of the tavern. The chuckles turned into stifled sobs as he continued walking, the snow now up to his heels. The cold wind blew in his face, almost freezing the tears that had welled up in his eyes.
He missed her, he never imagined living in a world without her in his arms and yet, here he was. He was close now, he could see the shape of castle in the distance and sensed a field of magic around it, all he had to do was keep moving. One foot in front of the other, he walked a few more steps and then collapsed utterly exhausted. The last thing he heard was Marian, singing to him.
Anders felt a kiss on his cheek and opened his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them. His vision stabilized as it got used to the bright morning sunshine and he saw the prettiest pair of blue eyes the Maker had created.
"Good morning" she said as she kissed him gently on the lips and tucked his long hair behind his ear. "You were thrashing, did you have a bad dream?" Anders couldn't believe his eyes, was all that he had gone through just a dream? A nightmare that he had finally woken up from?
He held her face in his hand and she leaned into it, when he asked,"Are you real?" She bit down hard on his hand and he exclaimed, "Owww, now what was that for?" Marian smiled, "To prove to you that this is real, it's you and me, forever and ever now."
This was real, this was his reality. She had come back. "How long have you been back?" She looked at him, puzzled, "What do you mean back? I've never left." He grabbed her by the shoulders, "You never went to Adamant, to help the Inquisition with Corypheus?" She perked up, "Oh that! Anders, that was years ago. Everything went well, we all came home safe and sound. Was that what your nightmare was about?" He nodded as he felt tears well up in his eyes, he embraced her and he felt the tears spill, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He sobbed," I shouldn't have said all of those things to you of all people. You've always tried to help people, even when the odds were against you." He felt her arms wrap around him and hold him tightly, he continued, "You saved me, when you had all the reasons not to." He nestled his head into the nook of her shoulder, "I didn't want to lose you, I couldn't fathom it and I was a fool." Marian lifted his head, "It's alright. It's all over now. You can rest easy, I forgive you." He looked into her eyes, he could swim in those blue orbs, how long had he yearned for a moment's peace, to rest easy, safe and sound in her arms.
As he absorbed every detail of her eyes, her face, every lock of hair, he noticed something strange. In the corner of their room, there was snow. "Don't look at that" Marian said her tone urgent yet soft. In that moment he had realized what had happened. He held that hand that cupped his face, "I'm dying aren't I."
Marian lowered her gaze, he could see the tears welling up in them,"Yes, you are. You should have listened to Justice when he told you to rest." He wiped the tears from her eyes, "How could I ever rest easy knowing you weren't near? That you were dead or worse, lost somewhere I couldn't reach you?" Marian broke down, "I'm sorry, I had no choice. Alistair and the Inquisitor were there, I couldn't let them stay trapped in the Fade. They were too important." Anders kissed her tears away, "You are important, Marian. You are the Champion of Kirkwall, a brilliant mage, most of all you are my heart. I never dreamed of loving anyone as much as I love you. Even in our darkest moments, all that mattered was you. That you were safe, that you could have a life worthy of someone like you."
Marian kissed him, bliss filled his heart as their lips touched. She broke away from him and said, "I'm so happy I got to se-"
And she disappeared along with there room. Anders was now sitting in a vacuous space, with only blackness surrounding him, silence echoing in his thoughts. He cried out, "Marian! Marian where are you?" He ran around but saw no change in his vision, almost as he were running in place. Then he felt pain blossom in his face.
"Blondie! Blondie wake up! Maker's Breath Anders! Wake up!"
Anders felt another heavy handed slap, pain blossomed on his face. "Serah Tethras, we must ask you to refrain from hitting the patient. He's still weak." Anders teetered in and out of consciousness and he heard more raised tones. Glimpses of Marian flashed in his mind. He could hear bits and pieces of her, calling to him. His mind pieced together what she had said, "Come find me Anders, I'm alive."
Anders looked at the dwarf through half opened eyes, "Varric, where's Hawke? She was right here with me." He shivered, his bones felt like ice. His teeth chattered as he spoke. His hair was sopping wet as well as the rest of his body. A fire roared next to him slowly as he sat up, looking at his surroundings. He didn't recognize his surroundings.
He heard Varric stomp towards him and felt pain blossom on his face again. He touched the offended cheek and looked at him, his vision still blurry. " Maker's Tits Anders. What were you thinking coming here?" Anders laughed, it started out slow and spread until it became hysterical. Varric narrowed his eyes and glared at him, "What's so funny?"
Anders could barely speak, "Maker's… Tits…" he erupted into laughter. Varric sat next to him, his face still red with anger, but his expression was relaxed, "You know what, that's pretty damn funny. I'm happy that your sense of humor's come back Blondie. Welcome back to the land of the living."