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Donghyuck doesn’t really know when or how it happened. It just did. One day, he and Renjun were friends, bickering over stuff that doesn’t really matter, and the next day Renjun was in his bed, stroking Donghyuck’s hair and kissing his neck. What happened between Donghyuck is not sure. The only thing he’s sure about is that he wants Renjun’s lips on his body again.
Renjun shouldn’t feel that good. They’re friends, right? Donghyuck is straight. Maybe he was just lonely and needed someone to be here for him, his girlfriend of 4 years just broke up with him, she needed a fresh start or whatever. Fine. Not a big deal, totally not a big deal, Donghyuck wasn’t planning their wedding or anything, it’s not like he already picked out a ring. Donghyuck was totally calm about the breakup. At least he was when Renjun kissed him for the first time. It had been 6 months since then. So it’s not a post-breakup mental breakdown. Or maybe it is, it just manifested in an “I want to have sex with one of my best friends except I’m straight” way.
Maybe he was drunk, except he wasn’t because he only had one beer at the restaurant, and he had to drive everyone home because God forbid Jisung ever get his license. Renjun was next to him, in the passenger seat. He looked really good that night, he smelled really good and he had a little bit of glitter on his eyelids. Not that Donghyuck cared. He was supposed to bring him home, but Renjun lives across town, and Donghyuck’s apartment was closer, so he crashed there, nothing weird. It wasn’t the first time they did this.
They settled on Donghyuck’s couch and picked a movie. Nothing unusual, the couch is small though so they ended up squished together. Thigh against thigh and Donghyuck’s arm on Renjun’s shoulder.
The movie was boring and Donghyuck couldn’t pay attention, Renjun seemed really into it though, and Donghyuck wanted to annoy Renjun, so he put his thigh on Renjun, and his only response was to do it back. Ensued a fierce match of thigh legos. Donghyuck isn’t sure what the hell they were doing. It only stopped when Renjun did, their legs still intertwined.
“I won.”
“You haven’t won shit Hyuck. I’m too tired. And it’s not a competition.”
“Yeah, yeah. You’re just a sore loser.” Renjun rolled his eyes.
“Shut up.”
“See? You’re proving my point.” Donghyuck chuckled. Renjun didn’t even bother answering. Instead, he got really close to Donghyuck, too close, and put his hand on the other’s mouth.
“Shut up.”
How did they get so close? Why was Donghyuck’s heart beating so fast? Why did Renjun smell so good? The glitter really suited him. Was he also wearing lip gloss? He hadn’t noticed that in the car. His lips looked really good, more pinkish than usual. It suited him.
Oh. He was staring at his lips. Donghyuck prayed that Renjun didn’t notice. He slowly removed his hand from his mouth.
“Did you put on lip gloss?” Fuck. Why did Donghyuck say that? Renjun is going to know that Donghyuck was staring, and he wasn’t, they were just very close. He had to notice. Renjun smiled.
“Yeah. I did.” He simply said.
None of them moved. They didn’t dare. They stayed like that. Their foreheads are almost touching.
Donghyuck was sure Renjun could hear his heartbeat. He felt like it was beating out of his chest, why was he so nervous? It’s only Renjun. His friend, Donghyuck helped him when he was puking out his organs the week before because he drank too much. It’s only Renjun. Donghyuck kept telling himself. Why would he be nervous? Donghyuck likes women. So why was he craving Renjun’s touch? He was so much in his head he almost didn’t notice Renjun getting even closer, hesitating.
“Can…I” Their lips were so close, Donghyuck could almost feel them. It drove him crazy. He needed Renjun’s lips on him more than air.
“Yes.”
Why did Donghyuck say yes? He didn’t know. But their lips came crashing together. It felt good. So good. Different. Messy and hot, even if awkward at first, like all first kisses, but it made Donghyuck feel warm inside like bubbles exploded in the pit of his stomach. Renjun’s hand was wandering on his body, his hair, his neck, waist, and chest. Everywhere, but Donghyuck wanted more. It was like his brain shut off and the only thing it was thinking about was Renjun. He wanted Renjun everywhere, he wanted more. He never felt like this before, and maybe that’s the scary part.
Huh.
Very sudden. Donghyuck likes it.
Something changed that night. They slept in the same bed, cuddling. Donghyuck woke up the following day confused. They only made out that night. (Donghyuck wanted more even then but he’d never admit it out loud). Maybe he got too caught up in the moment. Yes. definitely that. Who doesn’t kiss and cuddle their best friend?
Everything changed after that.
Sneaky kisses at the club when no one was looking, secretly holding hands at restaurants, knowing glances that ended up with them making out in the bathroom, secret hang-outs…
Donghyuck felt like a teenager again. Having a secret relationship. It was new, it was good. Everything was perfect.
He was confused. He never felt this for a man. Especially not his best friend of 10 years, Donghyuck held Renjun’s hair when he was puking. He didn’t want to face his feelings. You can’t live in your little bubble ignoring responsibilities. Shocking.
And if Donghyuck could. Renjun wasn’t the type. He needed to know. One night, when Donghyuck was smoking on the balcony Renjun came up to him.
“Hyuck, babe. You promised me we’d tell at least tell Chenle this week.”
Donghyuck inhaled the smoke.
“Did I? I can’t remember.” At least he attempted.
“Hyuck. You’ve been avoiding the topic for weeks.”
“Yeah. I know. It’s just… hard you know? It’s still bizarre to me.”
“That you like me? It’s not that bizarre everyone does.” Donghyuck let out a weak laugh.
“Yeah. I guess. That I like boys, that I like you. And I know they’re going to take it well. They all dated each other at one point. It’s just. It’s big to me.”
“I get it. I do. I just want to share how much I like you to everyone. It sucks to be us in secret.”
“I thought you were into it though?”
“I think I’ll be into you even more if we can make out in Jaemin’s basement.”
“How romantic.” Donghyuck crushed the butt of his cigarette on the ground before bringing Renjun closer for a kiss.
“My head’s a fucking mess right now Renjun. I just don’t know what I can do to make everything right. I fucked up okay? I know I did, I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that.”
Pause. Donghyuck looks at the floor, he doesn’t dare look up, he's waiting for an answer but Renjun isn’t even looking in his direction, he doesn’t even look like he’s breathing honestly.
“Donghyuck. If you expect me to forgive you right now you’re dreaming. You’re a fucking asshole. You send me all those mixed signals, take me on dates, hold my hands, and then act like you don’t know me in front of your, our fucking best friends when you promised. You let people hit on me at the bar like you don’t fucking care. It hurts Hyuck, so much. Do you even care about me? Or do you just use me to forget about your ex? I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to be your little secret. I need more and if you can’t give it to me. Then whatever this is is over.” Renjun gestures around, what is this exactly?
“Renjun… I’m sorry. It’s hard, they’re new feelings I didn’t know I had. I don’t know what to do. I… I’m sorry. I love you and I’m really trying to do things right. I’m just scared.”
Renjun doesn’t even react to the sudden confession, his eyes become cold, and he gets up and goes to the door.
“Yeah. Maybe that’s not enough anymore.” He leaves the room, a confused and heartbroken Donghyuck still sitting, staring at the wall silently.
How could Donghyuck tell Renjun that he doesn’t want to share him because he’s scared he’s going to leave him? Secrets are good. It means nobody knows except them. In their tiny little bubble. It’s different when everyone knows when everyone has their eyes on their relationship. When they can judge, because Renjun is just so much better than Donghyuck and he knows that if they ever go public, everyone would be asking Renjun ‘why him? Why the straight guy out of all the people that would be more than happy to be with him?’ It sucks.
“Hyuck. You have to come to the summer vacation. It’s tradition. You don’t cancel on traditions.”
“Well, I just did. I’m not coming this year Chenle.”
“Why?”
“Huh?”
“Well if you cancel on the tradition we’ve all been doing since we were in middle school you must have a reason then, right? And I know you haven’t been doing too well these past few months. It shows, by the way, maybe you should consider sleeping for more than 3 hours a night. I promise it’ll do you good. Anyway, You must have a good reason to cancel, and I want to hear it.”
“There’s nothing.”
“See? I know you’re lying. I’m your best friend and I know there’s shit you’re not telling me.”
“I tell you everything Lele.”
“So why don’t you want to come with us?”
“I’m just tired. That’s all.”
“Bullshit, and you’re coming. I’ll drag you out if I need to. We barely get time all together because everyone is so busy now, that summer is the only thing we get. Plus, we’d have to cut off your finger, and I really don’t want to do that dude.” Donghyuck wanted to respond but Chenle didn’t let him.
“We haven’t seen you in forever. We never hang out anymore. We’ll think you started to hate us if you don’t come.”
Donghyuck sighs. There’s no reasoning with Chenle. He shouldn’t have told him, and just not show up to the trip. At least he could’ve told his friends that his cat died the day of. (Donghyuck doesn’t have any pets and is incredibly allergic to cat fur.)
Maybe Chenle would’ve been more understanding if he knew the truth, but how do you tell that you’ve been sleeping with one of your best friends (coming out at the same time) and broke his heart because you’re scared even though you’d want nothing more than to hold his hand again? Donghyuck couldn’t. Donghyuck is a coward. The strong and confident persona he has is the only thing keeping him together, keeping him from falling apart. And no one seems to have caught on to his act. Except for Renjun. It’s always Renjun. How did he manage to know Donghyuck this well? How did he break every wall Donghyuck spent years building? Hana broke it when she decided that kissing Jaehyun was a good idea, but it was Renjun that tore it all apart. His stupid, dumb, beautiful, sweet smile got the better of Donghyuck.
Fuck. He’s thinking about Renjun again. Donghyuck cursed Chenle. Why does he have to go on that trip? They go every year. It couldn’t be that dramatic if he misses one year. Right? He’s completely and utterly miserable, the absolute last thing on his mind is seeing Renjun for 10 days straight and acting like nothing happened between them.
He even talked to Karina about it, over their weekly hotpot.
“Honestly Hyuckie you should go.”
“It’s only one summer. They won’t miss me that bad…”
“What if someone dies next year? You’ll regret not coming then?”
“Wow. You’re ruthless.”
Karina is Donghyuck’s colleague, but they met a few years back when they were both studying. She sat next to him during class and forced her way into a friendship with Donghyuck and he’s so glad for it.
“Always. They’re your best friends. You can’t miss it. You can’t be the first one to miss it.”
“You’re right.”
Donghyuck wants to cut open Renjun’s brain and study it, he wants to learn every fact there is to know about Renjun. From how he likes his eggs (scrambled) to how he got the tiny scar on his hip (he fell on a rock while running after Chenle when they were 12). He wants to eat Renjun’s brain. He wants to crawl under Renjun’s skin and live there forever. He would’ve transformed into one of Renjun’s goldfish if it means living with him and being with him forever.
Yeah. Donghyuck is completely normal about Renjun. That’s what breakups (can he even consider it a breakup, they were never technically together?) do right? Everyone is a little bit insane. (Don’t tell him that he never was this insane about Hana, he’d try to deny it Donghyuck-style)
And that’s how Donghyuck ended up in a car with Chenle driving, Jisung in the passenger seat, and Jeno in the backseat next to him. They’re all chilling, quietly listening to music. The drive isn’t that long. The city scenery is long gone, replaced by a more calming countryside. The beach isn’t that far off from the big city, but enough
10 days every summer, since they were 15. A week at the beach with friends. They got drunk, smoked for the first time here. It’s their little tradition. And as time went on, their way of still connecting to each other. Even when Jaemin was busy being a med student and when Mark decided to travel the world. That week, it’s almost sacred for them. A symbol of their friendship. The same as when they decided that they’d cut each other's pinky finger off if one of them ever decided to leave.
Maybe Donghyuck will get incredibly drunk for 10 days straight, that way he doesn’t have to deal with Renjun.
Not his best idea, he gets clingy and emotional when drunk. It seems tempting until he realizes that maybe he’ll say something he shouldn’t to Renjun. (I want to kiss you again. I miss you. I want you. I love you.)
Donghyuck falls asleep. He only wakes up when Chenle nudges him awake.
“We’re here.”
The seven of them make their way into the house, they know the layout perfectly, they always come to the same house, a yellow beach house, where when they step outside they already have their toes in the sand. They even know in what room they go.
Donghyuck has shared the room with Jeno ever since they were 15. Renjun is with Chenle, and Mark, Jaemin, and Jisung share the biggest room. (Jisung always complains, because why does he have to share a room with the only long-term couple in the whole friend group.) Donghyuck successfully avoided Renjun for now. Thankfully because he thinks he might just burst out crying if he catches a glimpse of him. Maybe Renjun is avoiding him too.
“What’s going on with you?” Jeno asks. Straight to the point, Donghyuck hates him.
“What do you mean?”
“You were quiet in the car. You’re never quiet in a car that is like your whole brand.”
“Is that how you see me?”
“You’re deflecting now.”
“I’m not” Even Donghyuck doesn’t believe that. Jeno sighs.
“My fucking god Hyuck you are so emotionally constipated it’s sad to see.”
“Jeno. I know you’re not the one talking to me about being emotionally constipated.”
“It takes one to know one friend.” Jeno laughed. Sipping at his beer. When did Jeno take one? Donghyuck probably should go and drink one as well, maybe 2 or 3, or maybe a whole vodka bottle.
Thankfully, Donghyuck managed to avoid Renjun. (Mostly by not going out of his room for the rest of the day. He thanks his past self for downloading a shit town of series to watch on Netflix.)
He even fakes being asleep when Mark comes into the room to drag him out to their go-to restaurant.
It all makes sense in Donghyuck’s head like he could avoid Renjun for 10 days, preferably forever, he’d rather die a horrible, slow, and painful death than communicate.
And for 2 days it works. He acts like he is deadly sick, and can’t go out. He even fakes coughing when he hears that people are inside, he tip-toes to the bathroom so that nobody sees him. It’s not that bad, 10 days like this. Is it? He’d rather do that than face Renjun anyways. He’s either on Netflix or texting Karina whenever she’s not at work.
Donghyuck is watching Glee when he hears a knock on his door. He coughs.
“Donghyuck.” Maybe Donghyuck is really getting sick because he swore he heard Renjun’s voice.
“I know you’re awake. Open the door.”
He doesn’t. Maybe if he tries to act like he is asleep he’ll leave him.
Poor attempt, because after 15 seconds Renjun decided to open the door.
“I know you’re not sleeping. Can we talk?” Renjun closed the door behind him.
“You can’t just open the door like that. What if I was naked?” Donghyuck tries, weakly.
“Wouldn’t be the first time I see you naked.” Touché. And now Donghyuck is blushing. Renjun really makes him feel like a teenage boy. He clears his throat.
“I wanted to talk to you.” Renjun sits on Donghyuck’s bed. He can’t make out what emotion Renjun is feeling. He knows how to hide his feelings. Donghyuck on the other hand is visibly freaked out, which Renjun definitely noticed, as he always does.
“You’re doing a terrible job pretending everything is normal with everyone. They’re all wondering what the hell is going on with you.”
“Nothing, I’m feeling sick. That’s all.”
“Donghyuck, 2 years ago we almost thought you were dying and you still went out on the beach. I know you’re trying to avoid me, or God only knows what the hell you are trying to do. Please stop.”
“Not everything revolves around you. What I am doing does not correlate to you whatsoever.” The younger one sits up. Both facing each other on the bed. Glee is still going on in the background. “I’m really, really sick.”
“Do you expect me to believe that? Seriously Donghyuck?”
“Yeah…?” Renjun sighs. He doesn’t look angry, more exasperated.
“Well, your ‘totally-not-avoiding-Renjun-plan’ make it stop. Go outside. Talk to the guys. I promise I won’t even look your way. And you’ll do the same. I already told the others that we fought because I stole your Switch. I still have it by the way.”
“Are you even going to give it back to me?”
“Nope. Sorry, I’m having way too much fun on Animal Crossing. Consider it payback.”
“ Payback for…?”
“Breaking my heart.” Ouch. Straight to the point. It feels like glass shards shattered Donghyuck’s heart. Even though he kind of asked for it.
Renjun gets up and goes to the door.
“We won’t talk to each other. But please talk to our friends. Jaemin wants to do a barbecue tonight and he’ll get very sad if you’re not there.” He closes the door. And Donghyuck finally breathes again. He missed half of his episode. Stupid Renjun, and his stupid intelligence.
He can do a barbecue. For sure. It’d be nice to actually eat a real meal. And Jaemin makes the best barbecues ever. And it’d be nice to hang out with everyone. Right. And he needs a drink. Donghyuck gets up. He really needs a shower.
The beach is nice, and the sand is hot, not the kind of hot that makes your feet hurt, but rather the kind that makes you want to lay in it, the sun is still out and there’s a nice breeze brushing Donghyuck’s hair. The water is refreshing. It’s nice. Donghyuck loves this place. He sees everyone laughing together, and he smiles. He really missed his friends.
Then he sees Renjun, and a part of his heart breaks a bit. Is it going to be like this every time Donghyuck sees him? He really hopes not, his heart can’t handle much more.
He’s laughing with Chenle, he has the best laugh ever, Donghyuck would record it and listen to it every second of the day if he could. Everywhere he goes because it’s totally not creepy.
He must’ve been staring because suddenly Renjun stops laughing and shoots him death glares. Right. He hates him. He almost forgot. Donghyuck sighs and goes to the rest of the group.
Jaemin’s food smells amazing. As always. And it’s good too. Donghyuck missed this.
“You weren’t coming out of your room for so long that I almost started to think that you hate us” Mark joked.
“I do, I only came out for Jaemin’s food,” Donghyuck replied. “Glee is way more interesting
than you guys. Sorry.” The oldest laughed.
“Nah seriously. I missed you. Glad you’re feeling better.” He squeezed Jaemin’s hand next to him.
It seriously has been a while since Donghyuck last saw Mark. Was it the last time they were all here? Maybe. Mark decided to travel the world, and of course, Jaemin followed. They’re always together. Since they decided that they acted more like a couple and friends who have sex. Donghyuck smiles. Mark has had a crush on Jaemin since he was 13. And he always talked to Donghyuck about it. He’s glad they finally got together because he’s not sure he would’ve handled more years with Mark pining over every little thing Jaemin does. “Look at how he folded the napkins, he’s so good! I want him so bad.” Ridiculous, if you ask Donghyuck, but he’s not really sure he wouldn’t act the same if had the opportunity to talk to someone about Renjun.
Dinner goes perfectly if you ignore the fact that Dongyuck wants to shoot himself every time Renjun speaks. He ignores him, at least he tries to. Maybe it’ll hurt less over time.
He missed his friends. Everyone is laughing. It’s crazy how they’ve all been friends for so long yet they still have so many things to talk about.
“Everyone down to get drunk tonight?” Chenle suggests. You don’t really have to ask a group of men in their early twenties if they want to drink.
They all end up curled up on the couch, drinks in their hands. The TV is playing something, Donghyuck can’t really make up what it is over everyone’s talking. He’s not drunk, yet. But he can feel it coming in. He needs a smoke.
Maybe he’s drunker than he thought because when he gets up, the world spins a bit before him. He searches for the cigarettes in his room and goes outside. Drink still in his hand. It’s almost cold outside in his shorts, the alcohol has definitely risen, and he doesn’t feel the cold or the wind. He feels hot and giggly.
He gets really into looking at the stars while smoking his cigarette that he doesn’t notice the shadow sitting next to him.
“Can I borrow you one?” Donghyuck could recognize this voice between thousands. Renjun.
“Yeah… Of course. Here.” Donghyuck says as he gives a cigarette and his lighter to Renjun. “I thought you quit?”
“I did. It’s been a lot these past few months. I started again.” Donghyuck looks at Renjun, the moonlight looks so good on him. And the way he looks at the stars makes Donghyuck swoon.
“Stop looking at me,” Renjun says, he doesn’t sound mad though, at least, Donghyuck can’t hear it in his voice.
“I’m sorry. It’s hard. You look beautiful.” Fucking alcohol. But Donghyuck swears he can see Renjun smile, only a little bit. They fall silent for a bit, Donghyuck goes for a second cigarette. He doesn’t even really want one. He just wants to spend time with Renjun.
The alcohol is really taking effect now if it wasn’t before. Why did he keep drinking?
“You promised that you wouldn’t look my way today”
“Yeah.” Maybe the alcohol is getting to Renjun too. Because Donghyuck knows for a fact sober Renjun would’ve never done that, and he genuinely looks like he doesn’t remember that he said that merely a few hours ago. “I did… I’ll leave.” He crushes his cigarette on the tray.
Donghyuck grabs Renjun’s hand as he was about to get up
“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to… I’ll leave. I know how much you like to look at the stars.” Renjun seems confused, but he sits down again.
“Don’t leave. I don’t mind.” He finishes his drink in one go. “It’s really hard to not look at you Hyuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you to get out of your room. I think I’d rather not see you.”
“I can still do it y’know? Just tell me the word I’ll disappear. Promise.”
“Maybe I’ll take you up on that. We never know.” Renjun softly smiles and Donghyuck melts. The alcohol wants to make Donghyuck say things he probably shouldn’t. He settles.
“I missed you.” He probably shouldn’t be saying that either.
“You could’ve had me. I was all yours.” Donghyuck hopes to hear ‘I still am’ but it never comes.
“I wasn’t ready. I’m still not. I don’t think.” Why are they getting closer? Donghyuck swears he can feel Renjun’s hand on his.
“I know.”
“But I want you. I want you so bad it hurts.”
“It’s too late.”
“I know. I wish it wasn’t.” Donghyuck puts his head on Renjun’s shoulder.
“If you really wanted me you wouldn’t have let me leave.” Renjun puts his head on Donghyuck’s.
“I didn’t know what to do.” He sighs. “I really didn’t.”
“And you would’ve tried to reach out, to talk.”
“Not fair. You didn’t also.”
“It’s not my place to put your head together Hyuck.”
“I thought you wanted nothing to do with me.” Donghyuck stops for a bit. “You’ve made that clear.”
“Yeah. Maybe.”
Renjun smells the same. The exact same. It makes Donghyuck go absolutely insane. Their hands are intertwined. It feels familiar. Too familiar. He doesn’t even care anymore if someone catches them. Fucking mojito.
“I’m sorry.” Donghyuck finally says. “I’m really, really sorry. I was and still am in a really weird place. I don’t know what to do. And I’m sorry I dragged you in it.”
“I think I hate you.”Everything is spinning. Is he looking at the sky or the sand? He’s not sure anymore. The only thing he hears is Renjun’s voice. Fuck Renjun hates him. Or does he? He can’t make up the tone he’s using. Why is he so good at it? His heart is crumbling, it feels like daggers went straight through it. There’s a Renjun fog clouding his brain, maybe that’s what makes his head spin. Why is Renjun so close? It doesn’t feel real. He has a weird way of showing that he hates Donghyuck.
“Don’t say sorry now. After everything. Especially if your answer doesn’t change. You’re still the same.” Renjun adds.
He’s so close, Donghyuck puts his hand on Renjun’s cheeks. He probably fell asleep because he was drunk. He’s dreaming. Yes, that is definitely it. He feels Renjun’s lips on his cheeks, then on his neck. It feels real. Or maybe not, because just like that, Donghyuck feels cold again. When did Renjun leave? Did he? He’s not sure anymore.
Apparently not. He feels Renjun’s lips on his. For a very brief moment, not more than a peck. Then Renjun suddenly gets up. “Fuck, fuck fuck.” He says before leaving.
Damn. Donghyuck is going to regret that tomorrow. Renjun too, probably. And they’ll need to talk about it. Eventually.
It’s a problem for future Donghyuck though because he’s too giggly after the kiss. Who needs communication when you can just ignore your problem anyway?
His head hurts. What time is it? The sun is already out. He grunts.
“Good morning sleepy-head.” He faintly hears Jeno say from across the room.
“Ugh. Please wake me up in an hour or two. Actually maybe never. My head’s killing me.” Donghyuck puts his pillow on his head to block out the outside world.
“Nah no way. I’ve waited for you for 2 hours until you wake up.” Jeno starts, “I saw you with Renjun yesterday.” That’s enough to make Donghyuck stand up at the speed of light, getting dizzy on the way. Right. Renjun kissed him. He thinks. Everything is a blur. He’s nauseous.
“What did you see?” The words get choked up in his mouth.
“You were talking outside. I thought you two were fighting?” Donghyuck silently lets out a sigh of relief.
“Yeah. Yeah, we are. I just went for a cigarette and he wanted one. Y’know how he gets when he’s drunk. We just talked for a bit. I don’t think we’re not fighting though. Honestly, it’s kind of a fog. I think I was way drunker than I thought.” Donghyuck should get an award for this oscar winning performance, he thinks.
“I’ll never get you both. Fighting this much over a Switch really? And then act like nothing happened the second the both of you had a drink.” If Jeno is suspicious he doesn’t let it show. “You really should get your shit together. Both of you”
“We will, eventually.” Jeno smiles and gets up from his bed.
“You always do. Anyways, I’m gonna go for a swim. Wanna join?”
“I think I’ll skip that one, I feel like there’s a construction site going on in my brain right now, and I might throw up everything I’ve ever eaten in the last 8 years if I move.”
“You’re no fun dude.” Donghyuck doesn’t even answer. He’s already back in bed, he hopes he never wakes up.
He does, unfortunately, several hours later. His head still pounding, and he’s hungry. He goes to the kitchen and pours himself a bowl of cereal, at 3 PM. The sun is too bright, and everyone is talking too loud. Maybe he should have stayed in bed. The cereal isn’t even good. It’s the kind of morning (or afternoon) where his cereal doesn’t taste the same as usual, or maybe it’s because he’s nauseous, he’s on edge. He promises himself he’ll never drink again. (He promised this to himself at least a dozen times by now.)
Jeno is still swimming, Donghyuck concludes he hasn’t slept that much since his talk with him.
Oh. Right. Why did his mind go there? Now he remembers yesterday. No. He probably dreamed it. Right. His drunken mind playing tricks on him. Renjun would’ve never talked to him or kissed him for that matter. That must be it.
“You look absolutely dead.” Where did Chenle come from? Has he always been here?
“Thank you. I know I look lovely.” Donghyuck deadpans.
“Where did you run off to yesterday?” Were they all going to ask the same question?
“I went for a smoke. Then I went to sleep.” Donghyuck is about to throw up. He feels the acid coming out of his throat. Never again.
“Aw. Sucks for you, dude. You missed Jaemin trying to throw Jisung into the ocean. I think he forgot Jisung is like 6 meters long now.” Donghyuck scoffs. Just imagining the scene is ridiculous.
“Oh, I would pay to see this actually-”
“And miss some quality time with me?” What the hell? Donghyuck almost chokes on his cereal. He coughs. Is Renjun getting a kick out of this? This is seriously not funny. Where did he come from? He looks his way. Why does he look so pretty, even when his hair is messy, and he still has his morning voice, and he still hasn’t washed his face? It should be illegal to look this good.
“‘Sup dude.” Chenle high-fives Renjun, and all Donghyuck manages to say is a weak “Good morning.” He wants to slap himself.
Chenle and Renjun start talking in Chinese, and Donghyuck zones out, his cereal becomes soggy. He’s way too nauseous to eat. He wishes he understands anything that they’re saying, the only thing he does understand is “motherfucker”. Which quite frankly they use a lot. Who needs to say that every 3 words in a sentence?
Donghyuck looks miserable in front of his bowl. It’s a miracle he didn’t throw up yet. He doesn’t even remember being that drunk yesterday. Chenle leaves.
“Hope you didn’t talk too much shit about me.”
“Only that you are the worst kisser I’ve ever kissed.” Donghyuck has a gag reflex. He goes pale, way too pale, or green. The acid is right here, in his vocal chords. Renjun laughs.
“Relax. It’s nothing. It’s about his grandmother.” Donghyuck doesn’t question why would you need to say that many ‘motherfuckers’ when talking about an 89-year-old grandma. It’s Chenle. It somehow makes sense.
Donghyuck logically knows that Renjun would never out him, or say anything to anyone. Maybe that’s what makes this whole situation worse. Renjun is way too nice and understanding for his own good. Even when it comes at the expense of his own well-being.
“I knew that. Of course.” Is that a smile?
“You should’ve seen your face. You looked like you were seconds away from throwing up every organ in your body and dying.”
“I think it’d be better than to feel what I feel right now.” He’s definitely smiling. Donghyuck will die. Killed by Renjun’s smile, it fades so fast.
“You drank too much.” Renjun pauses for a second, “Did you black out?”
“I don’t think so, everything is just kind of a blur.”
Ah, there’s an elephant the size of a kiss in the kitchen right now. It doesn’t make sense. They fall silent.
“Did you?” Donghyuck tries.
“Hmm?”
“Blackout?” Renjun takes his time before answering.
“No. No, I didn’t.”
Another silence. Great, you should give them the Communication Award. Donghyuck clears his throat. They really communicate a lot better when both of them are drunk.
“Anyways… I think I’ll join Jeno…”
“Right… right. Have fun.”
“Thank you. You too.”
That is one awkward conversation, and God only knows how many awkward conversations Donghyuck had to sit through in his life. This definitely joined the top 5.
He runs to his room. His cheeks are red. He thinks he has a fever, he touches his forehead. Yeah, he definitely has a fever.
Renjun definitely doesn’t remember. He thinks he does but he forgot about that part. Surely, definitely. He wouldn’t have talked otherwise. Yeah, that’s it. Or maybe Donghyuck really dreamed it all. He was really drunk yesterday, it wouldn’t surprise him if he kissed the table. Even that seems more believable.
Only a week left. Dongyuck can’t decide if the time is passing quickly or not. It’s weird.
The water is nice, it’s not too cold nor too hot. It’s perfectly refreshing. He needed this, he missed it. In a way, he’s glad Chenle made him come to the trip. He loves this little house, and him playing ball with Jeno, Jaemin, and Jisung in the ocean makes him feel whole again. Especially after the shitty year he had. Getting broken up by someone you thought was the love of your life, finishing your studies, and realizing that the first few years as a journalist are shit. He hates adulting. He misses his teenage years when they used to come here and Mark would gush about Jaemin for hours and when they all got drunk and smoked here for the first time here. When he and Renjun would be the last ones up and stargaze for hours until the sun comes up, laying on the sand and giggling. When Chenle gossiped for hours about everyone in their high school. (Donghyuck still thinks it’s weird that he knows so much about people. How does he do it? And it is literally Donghyuck’s job to know about people.)
Then everyone grew up. It’s weird to Donghyuck. He doesn’t realize it yet. Time flies by.
Donghyuck wants to stargaze again. He doesn’t know anything about stars, but he misses listening to Renjun talk about them. He’s so passionate, him and Jisung. You can’t hang out with only the both of them because by the end of the day your head will explode. Donghyuck wishes he was passionate about something like that. He spent years living through Hana’s passions that now he has to build himself up again, bit by bit. He started playing games again, but he stopped when it got serious with her because she found them childish, and most of his free time he spent with her anyways. Donghyuck likes to give himself as a whole when he loves someone. His entire being is theirs. He gives everything.
He’ll stargaze tonight, even if alone. There’s something therapeutic about looking at the stars for hours on end until the sun gets up. Doing nothing. Just him and his thoughts.
For the rest of the day, it is the only thing he looks forward to. He spends the rest of the afternoon playing in the water, he showers and eats with the group. The sun is still not completely out. He makes use of the time to charge his speaker and hangs out in the living room with Mark.
“I’m glad you came Hyuck.” Mark suddenly says, after looking up
“Of course, I would. I wouldn’t miss it.”
“Chenle said that you didn’t know if you’d come. I’m glad he put some sense into you.” Typical Chenle.
“Yeah. You know I had a rough year, I didn’t want to bring you guys into it.” Donghyuck has this awful habit where he bottles up everything inside and it only comes out when the bottle is too full and it explodes. Mark smiles, softly.
“I get it. Especially after… her.” Donghyuck tenses up. He moved on, but she’s still a sore subject. “I hate her so much for hurting you like this.”
“Yeah. I do too. But I’m fine now. It was for the best. I feel like myself for the first time in forever.” He doesn’t say that he feels like himself the most when he’s with Renjun when they’re all alone and it feels like they could conquer the world together. Maybe it’s not that healthy.
“I’m happy to hear that.” Mark’s smile is so big it makes Donghyuck smile. “You know I never liked her right?” The younger scoffs. It’s true. He remembers it well when he told him they were together. He had that face that says ‘I’m happy for you, but what the hell are you doing?’ Only he’s too nice to phrase it like that. Chenle and Jeno on the other hand made it very clear they didn’t like her.
“Yeah. I know. None of you did.” Donghyuck smiles.
“I hope you’ll find happiness again soon Hyuck. You deserve it so much.” If only Mark knew…
Night finally happens. It’s colder than yesterday, so he has to wear a jacket. It’s still nice outside. He brings out his cigarettes and his music with him. He walks a bit before settling down on a place and he lies down. He doesn’t turn on his music right away, instead deciding to listen to the waves for a bit. He lights up a cigarette. Everything is calm, for a bit he doesn’t think. It feels great. He feels peace for a bit.
“Is this seat taken?” Donghyuck jumps when he hears Renjun’s voice.
“Fuck. You scared me. Yeah, yeah you can.” Renjun lies down next to Donghyuck. It feels weird, weird but oddly familiar, even in the silence. It’s comforting. None of them dares to talk. Maybe they’re both scared that they’ll ruin the moment. There is so much that is unsaid between them. They’re just enjoying each other’s company, exactly like before.
Donghyuck gets his pack of cigarettes.
“Want one?”
“Yeah, thank you.” He takes a cigarette and lights it up. Donghyuck does the same.
“You know, If I didn’t know better I’d think you only talk to me to get free cigs.” Donghyuck jokes.
“Oh. I absolutely do. I don’t have any other reasons to talk to you otherwise.” They both laugh. Donghyuck would’ve kissed Renjun right there if he could. He looks back at the stars.
“Can you recognize some?” Renjun asks, also looking at the stars. “If I ask you to point to the Virgo constellation?”
“Yeah. I can totally do it…” Donghyuck looks at the stars, he remembers something that Renjun said about Spica being the brightest star in the sky and also being in the constellation, but everything blends together. “I can’t do it.” Renjun giggles. He giggles.
“Right.” He scooches closer, so close to Donghyuck he can smell his perfume and his shampoo. He points his finger to the sky. “See, that’s the brightest star, Spica. And if you follow it along you’ll reach Virgo. Here.” Donghyuck smiles.
“Why are you smiling? Do you see it?”
“I think I do.” Donghyuck pauses. “I like how passionate you are about it. Because it’s been years and you still show me every time. It makes me happy.” Maybe it’s the lighting because Donghyuck swears he can see Renjun blush.
“Of course. Even your dumbass deserves to see it.” They both smile. Renjun lowers his hand. Oh, their hands are so close, they’re brushing each other. Donghyuck takes a hit of his cigarette and another. Donghyuck is going to die. He takes Renjun’s hand, and Renjun doesn’t let go.
Donghyuck looks at the stars again. And he finally sees Virgo. He turns his head to face Renjun.
“Renjun! Fucking finally, I see it. For real this time.” And Renjun is smiling so hard.
“See? How do you find it?”
“It’s beautiful.”
“I told you.” Their hands are still intertwined. And their heads are closer, Donghyuck can feel Renjun’s breathing on his neck. He almost feels his lips there too. Renjun is smiling, he can feel it. He could cry.
“I love your smile.” Where did this bravery come from Donghyuck? Renjun laughs.
“You can’t even see it right now.”
“No. But I know exactly what it looks like.” Renjun buries himself in Donghyuck’s neck. Maybe out of shyness but he doesn’t let go.
None of them look at the time. They stay like that, in silence. Until they both fall asleep, in the sand.
“Hyuck! Hyuck! Wake up!” Donghyuck opens his eyes, what time is it?
“Huh? What’s going on?” He weakly says, his eyes closing again. What time is it?
“Open your eyes. Look.” It’s sunrise, why is Renjun still awake? He looks at the horizon and he sees one of the most beautiful things he has ever seen. The sky is blue and pink, with a bit of orange. The ocean reflects it.
“Wow…” That is the only thing Donghyuck manages to say.
“Yeah. I waited for hours to see it. It’s beautiful.” Renjun has stars in his eyes.
“You stayed awake just so you could watch the sunrise?” Donghyuck doesn’t know why he asks. It’s so Renjun-like to do things like this.
“And I have absolutely no regrets.” Donghyuck laughs. Renjun doesn’t look like he wants to sleep at all. He’s just enjoying himself, watching the sunrise. He’s amazing, Donghyuck thinks—the best in the entire world, maybe even the universe, and more.
Donghyuck falls asleep again shortly after. When he wakes up, it’s way too hot and he thinks he got a sunburn right on his nose, he doesn’t know what time it is. And Renjun is gone. He goes back to the house. Chenle and Jisung laugh at him because of the sunburn and Donghyuck contemplates throwing them in the ocean when they’re asleep at night. He could easily drag Chenle he’s shorter than him and is a heavy sleeper. He’d have to convince someone to help him with Jisung though.
Only 6 days left. Donghyuck’s head feels hot, hotter than normal. And it hurts too. A lot. He goes inside and looks for some medicine.
“Hey, man. You alright? Mark asks. Donghyuck looks at him. “Wow. Bad sunburn.”
“Yeah. Obviously. And my head hurts. Do you have ibuprofen or something?”
“Yeah. I do. In the bottom drawer here.”
Donghyuck takes the medicine. He shouldn’t have slept that long in the sun. The worse is, Renjun left. He could’ve woken up Donghyuck when he did. Maybe the sunburn wouldn’t be as bad and his head wouldn’t be killing him. Maybe it’s all part of Renjun’s plan to make him suffer as much as possible, his cruel and horrible vengeance. He wants to kiss Renjun again so badly. He’d give away a lot of vital organs just to make out with him again.
He stays inside for the day, on the couch. Hanging out with Jisung. Donghyuck does his best to understand whatever Jisung is saying about the universe and stars and all, but the truth is. He doesn’t. And it’s not as interesting as when Renjun is talking about them. He gets why they’re so close.
“Are you even listening to me?” Jisung asks, waving his hand in front of Donghyuck.
“Yeah. The sun and the stars and all…”
“Fuck you, man. You always listen when it’s Renjun. Do you hate me or something?”
“I do actually, I hate you so much that I’m gonna to go and take a nap.” Donghyuck gets up and yawns, leaving for his room
“I’ll never talk to you again.” He hears Jisung muttering under his breath, making Donghyuck chuckle.
Donghyuck’s nap is cut short by Jeno coming into the room. Donghyuck is sure that Jeno is making as much noise as possible to wake him up, instead of simply talking to him.
“Oh good you’re awake.”
“Jeno, you could’ve just banged two pans together if you wanted to wake me up so bad”
“Oh! I never wanted to wake you though…” Jeno is lying, Donghyuck can tell by the way he’s smiling. “But since you’re awake… I wanted to ask…” Donghyuck groans.
“Since when have you been fucking Renjun?”
Donghyuck jolts awake. What the hell? They didn’t even fuck. Well, not during the trip anyway.
“Are you drunk? Insane? Do you want me to call your therapist?”
“I saw you this morning. Cuddling and all on the beach.”
“Yeah, like we always do. Nothing new.”
“Hyuck, you look at Renjun like all the stars are stuck up his ass. You can’t lie to me.”
Donghyuck panics. He feels the heat coming back to him. He’s totally going to faint.
“Hyuck. It’s fine. It’s just me.”
“We haven’t even fucked this trip, I promise, only because we kinda broke up but not really because we were not even together and it hurts like a bitch and I don’t know what to do and it’s weird because I thought he hated me and then he keeps coming back to me and-” Donghyuck takes a deep breath. “Sorry.” He’s word vomiting. Why is he saying all of that?
“Wow. Slow down. I need you to tell me everything, from the beginning. What the hell?” Jeno sits down, a dumbfounded look on his face.
And so, Donghyuck does, his messy break-up, how he and Renjun started making out, their secret dates, and how in the end Donghyuck was too much of a coward to assume he liked a boy, his best friend in the whole world, and how he’s scared it ruined their whole relationship.”
“Oh my god, Hyuck stand up please.” Jeno cuts him mid sentence.
“What?”
“You are down so horrendously bad. Please just tell him you want him again. You’re just cockblocking yourself.” Donghyuck can’t tell if he is amused or annoyed at the situation.
“I can’t be with him. Everything went wrong because I am a coward and I can’t be out, I’m not ready yet, and I’m not sure I’ll ever be.”
“No. You’re just scared of commitment. And coming out and announcing that you’re with him confirms that it's real, that you guys are a thing. And you’re terrified of that. I don’t blame you, your ex did a number on you huh?’’
Donghyuck doesn’t even know what to say. He stays still. Jeno is still analyzing his face, his expressions. He hates it. How Jeno can see right through people, especially his friends.
“You really need to tell Renjun how you feel.” Jeno continues.
“He knows. Fuck, he knows it. That’s why it hurts so much. Because he knows how I feel about him. But I can’t ask him to wait for me. To be ready, when I don’t even know if I’ll ever be. I’m so scared, Jeno, and I wanted him by my side. I really did, but I can’t ask him to wait for me forever. That’s not fair. He deserves so much better than me, he deserves someone who is proud to show him off, I’m not that guy.”
“You know. I don’t think Renjun expects you to go on a rooftop and scream that you are in love with him. I know him, he probably only wanted to hold your hand when we’re hanging out in Jaemin’s basement or something.” Jeno gets closer to Donghyuck and puts his hand on his shoulder.
“Yeah.” Donghyuck pauses. “I need a smoke, or two or maybe ten.” He gets up and takes his lighter and cigarettes. “Want one?”
“Nah… I’m fine. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about it. Expect if you want me to?”
“I think I’d rather be eaten by sharks. But thank you, Jeno.”
“I tried.” Jeno sighs.
Donghyuck goes outside. He finds a corner, where he knows no one will come to Find him. He has a lot to think about. He doesn’t know if telling Jeno out of people was a good idea, but he does feel a lot better after talking about it. You can always count on Jeno to help rationalize his feelings. Maybe he should take all that advice he gives and apply it to himself.
Donghyuck is scared. Terrified even, but he knows one thing. He likes Renjun, a whole lot, and maybe figuring things out with Renjun, going through everything Donghyuck is scared of isn’t that bad of an idea after all. The walls around him are slowly breaking down. He wants Renjun, maybe more than anything else in the world.
He takes one last cigarette. Maybe a walk alongside the beach will do him good. He needs to clear his head, he passes by Chenle, Jisung, Mark and Jaemin playing volleyball with a makeshift net, Chenle is losing, Donghyuck can tell, he is even more competitive than usual, and he overheard him saying to Mark that they should play basketball after to see who will win then. Donghyuck chuckles to himself.
He goes far enough that he doesn’t hear his friends anymore, just the sounds of the waves crashing on the sand. The condo is out of sight. He’s alone, truly alone since the beginning of the trip.
He likes Renjun enough he’d jump off a cliff without any hesitation if he asks. He’d do the most stupid things a man can do, just to see Renjun smile, to hear him laugh.
Donghyuck visibly shakes. No Renjun thought, at least right now. This is his alone time.
That task proves much harder that Donghyuck anticipated. Everytime he tries to thing of anything else, his mind always wander back to Renjun, no matter how hard he tries. It’s like Renjun infected Donghyuck’s mind and cursed him to only think of him.
He stared at the clouds. Is it him or that one looks just like Renjun?
Fuck. That doesn’t even make sense. Donghyuck seriously considers drowning himself in the sea. At least he won’t think about Renjun that way. He gets up, sighs and goes back to the condo.
Everyone is eating dinner by the time he gets back. Donghyuck joins them while they have the very famous debate in their friend group, who is the better basketball player between Chenle and Mark.
“It’s obviously me. I don’t know what you guys are talking about.” Renjun says, sarcastically. And Donghyuck bursts out laughing, like a highschool kid talking to their crush for the first time.
“Come on. It wasn’t that funny, Hyuck.” Jaemin chuckles. And Donghyuck instantly turns red. Fuck. He hates how he’s acting.
“Better than Chenle and Mark arguing the same things for the past 8 years straight.”
“Fair. Especially because we know that the better player is me.” Chenle adds.
“Yeah. Keep telling yourself that. But I won our match today.” Mark answers.
“Only because I was tired, we played all day.”
“I still won. Quit crying and get better.” Mark laughs, Chenle isn’t though, and everyone in the group knows that Chenle will try even harder now to prove Mark wrong.
The dinner continued like this. Donghyuck zoned out. This is their normal, and he finds immense comfort in it. He missed his friends. They’re the most precious thing he has. One half of his heart is with them, at all times. Not that he’d let anyone know that. He has a reputation to keep.
“I need you to stay tonight.” Donghyuck wants to scream. He’s not brave enough. It comes out more like a whisper, a strained, pained whisper. He can’t see Renjun’s expression in the dark, but he feels the bed getting heavier, and slowly Renjun lays right next to him. He smells his hair, he feels Renjun’s head on his arm, but he doesn’t say anything. And for a while they just stay in complete silence. The only sound is the one of the waves crashing on the beach. The sand is cold on their feet.
“I miss you. So much.” Donghyuck breaks the silence.
“Stop talking. Let me enjoy this while it lasts.” But Donghyuck doesn’t want this moment to last ever. His arm could go numb, he could grow roots attaching to this bed, he’d never leave if it means staying with Renjun like this, forever. He needs to speak up. He has to, if he learned anything from this trip, he learned that he is at least 65% sure he will die if he doesn’t kiss Renjun everyday, every hour, every moment of his life. He has to. Donghyuck just hopes that the other feels the same.
But this, this is a bubble. A vacation with his best friends. Not reality, will Donghyuck be strong enough to handle it once they go back to real life? Donghyuck feels invincible right now, he hopes it lasts forever. But the realist in him thinks that it will not, that the problems they had will just crawl in their life again.
Maybe kissing Renjun for eternity is worth all of this. Maybe Donghyuck really is a coward. He’d do anything to be with Renjun, except actually being with him. It doesn’t make sense. And with Renjun with him Donghyuck feels like he can accomplish anything.
“I want to be with you” Donghyuck blurts out. Fast, loud.
“Yeah, you said that a lot.”
“I’m serious. I mean it.”
It’s dark. Donghyuck can’t make out what expression Renjun is making. He’s not sure.
“Look. Hyuck… I don’t want to be with you unless you are a hundred percent ready. You don’t have to be out to everyone, just, I want to be able to hold you when we’re with our friends.”
“I think I can do that…” Donghyuck pauses “You’re so worth it Renjun. Not being with you is torture”
“Yeah?” Renjun is even closer now, foreheads almost touching.
“Yeah.”
Their lips touch. They kiss, and it’s different from every kiss they ever shared. Gentle.
They don’t stop until the both of them are breathless and need to stop to breathe. They kiss again…and again.
They don’t stop for hours. Their hands wander, but never more. Too soon. Even though they both really want to. They’re taking things slow, for now.
And before they know it, they notice glimpses of the sun. And that is when they go to sleep.
Donghyuck smiles, Renjun sleeping on his chest.
No matter what happens, Donghyuck knows that he has Renjun by his side, and suddenly nothing seems impossible.
Well, telling the others seems pretty impossible.
But he has to do it.
Today.
When they wake up the day has already started for the others, they can hear them bickering about what they’ll eat for lunch.
Okay, it is a little harder than what Donghyuck expected.
Renjun kisses his cheek
“You can do it. I’ll be with you the entire time” He whispers in his ear. “I am proud of you.” Sending shivers down Donghyuck’s spine. They leave the room. Donghyuck is shaking, and Renjun takes his hand.
He’s brave enough. He can do it. He will do it.
Everyone is already gathered in the living room. Donghyuck mentally curses everyone. They sit down.
“Hi guys…” Donghyuck starts, weakly. He wants to crawl under the carpet, and maybe never come out. He feels Renjun’s hand on his, encouraging him. He takes a deep breath.
“I have something to tell you guys.”
This is it. There is no backing down now.
“I am in love with Renjun. And he is also in love with me. We are together, like kissing under the moonlight kind of way, or I want to move in with him and adopt 3 cats, maybe a dog too.”
It all comes in one breath. Rapidly, to get it over with.
The boys reaction isn’t what anything Donghyuck could’ve imagined. Jisung and Mark bring out a money bill on the table. Jaemin looking smug and taking it.
“Just because it was today of all days. Fuck you Jaem” Mark says.
Donghyuck and Renjun are very confused. Renjun musters “I’m sorry…what?”
Chenle talks.
“We all bet on the day you’d finally tell us that you have seen each other naked.”
Right. All of that for nothing? Despite this, Donghyuck feels that the Eiffel Tower was lifted off him. Finally.
He can kiss Renjun, all he wants. As many times as he wants.