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It is hard to put our relationship into words. But not only is it hard, no it is also somewhat disrespectful because no matter how many words I would gather up to try to explain what is going on between me and him... it would never fully express this deep connection I feel to him and only him. We met each other 5 years ago from now. I can not recall the exact moment that I laid eyes on him for the first time but i do certainly remember the first time I looked into his beautiful consuming eyes and was swallowed whole. After a year of coexisting that irresistible urge inside of me to get to know this guy grew and grew till I couldn’t take it anymore. I started to talk to him and to be physically close to him whenever I could. If I look back at it know from this point of view it is painfully obvious that it was a crush I was developing. back then I thought I only wanted to be his friend really bad since he was so much cooler and over a year older than me. From time to time I realizied that the boy I wanted to get to know was not like most of the others. He didn’t really have such a thing as feelings. It was weird for me to watch and even harder to comprehend since I always knew how to read a persons emotions usually. After another 6 months I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked. "Do you even feel emotions?" it may sound like a very disrespectful question to ask but he understood. His eyes widened a little and became almost a little soft...or am I making this up and they were defensive? I’m not sure anymore. He did however answer me. he told me that he felt emotions but very dull. He also told me that he lacked the feeling of empathy as its whole. That was funny to me since i was often told I had way to much of it. I guess it didn’t make sense someone like me would like someone like him but I did. There is no answer to the question why. I just did. When another year passed and we both got a little older I started to understand that it wasn’t only a platonic desire I felt. I tried to hide my feelings tho because I knew he could never like someone like me. That was fine with me.. weirdly enough. because his presence was satisfying enough to keep me content. It was around this time when he started to make comments about my body. He told me i looked good and he liked it a lot. I was confused about the situation but I just smiled and thanked him. After a few weeks he made it clear. he didn’t want to date me, he wanted to fulfill his pleasures and I ... was okay with that. Because at this point my feelings for him were long gone. and I saw him as the same as he saw me. A hot friend that you might wanna fuck but that’s about as far as it goes. The tension grew and grew and grew but... I never did it. I was scared to loose him and I was scared in general. But he didn’t back away or get pissed. He stayed as a friend and made sure I was comfortable . It’s been two years and nothing changed. We are friends. He wants to fuck. I want to as well but I still tell him no. Many things happened in both our lifes and we don't really see each other anymore but it was fine. Until a few weeks ago. I realized it was coming back. And there is no hope for this. It made me feel sick. So I had tell him I wanted hin for me and only me or else I would leave. I didn’t have to leave because he did. He was nice about it. Told me it is okay and that I should do whatever feels right. But now he is gone. And so is our friendship. I miss that Boy.
And for the first time in five years.... I am not okay with this.