Chapter Text
A cup of hot unsweetened coffee sat on Gerard’s desk. It blew fumes next to a pack of cigarettes he bought from a store in front of the gas station during his early morning walk around the block. The town is just the way he remembered it was 20 years ago, he knew that too well. He’s been living here for most of his life, disregarding the 2 summers when he went away for art school– which didn’t end marvelously for him. His throat tightened at the thought. Everything is drearily the same, but it’s been missing so much life.
Gerard settled an already lit cigarette on the ashtray and continued squiggling his pen on the screen, desperately trying to accomplish his task of finishing the splash art for the videogame company he’s working for. He’s been in the same job for so long, yet it never really felt easy for him to finish anything. Every single time he’s tasked with something, it’s like he still has to crawl his way out of it even after all these years. He can’t even remember when art stopped being a passion but a duty, he gave up trying. Frustrated, he unconsciously dragged his pen with too much pressure on the poor screen, almost scratching it with its tip. He dropped it once he recalled how he wouldn’t recover financially if he broke the tablet.
“What am I doing?” he mutters to himself. He wished Mikey was here so they could watch some old horror movies like they did in high school instead. Gerard mindlessly stared into the tree that barely used to peek on the second floor window of his room, which used to be his brother’s. For minutes, he let himself breathe in the fragrance of the coffee that’s been neglected on his table, let the sun seep into the fabric of his cardigan in the best way there is, and feel the surface of the wooden floor lay flat against his feet. It’s always the most effective way to ground himself, to remind himself that he’s still here.
A while after Mikey moved to his wife’s hometown all the way to the other side of the country, Gerard’s mom decided she has to move away into her old house as well. He was left all alone in the place where he was raised. It wasn't too bad at all, the familiarity is comfortable and he never really found a good reason to leave. Besides, he doesn’t want to let go of his memories here yet, in fact he doesn’t know if he ever would.
He’s got a fair share of friends and relatives advising him to travel the world as he’s not getting younger anymore and that the world is too big not to explore, but that’s exactly the problem, the world is too big and it scares him. He travels the world by reading and consuming as much literature as he can, drawing inspirations from them and projecting these ideas into the work he’s creating. The world is big, but the corners of his home are far away enough for him to house the creativity he possesses. He feels nothing but content.
Even so, he can’t shake off the inkling somber he senses in his throat. There’s not a single word to describe it. All he knows is that it’s the same feeling of dreaming about a place that doesn’t exist and then waking up missing a home he’s never even been in, a warmth of the arms of a person with no face. Gerard takes a drag off the cigarette that’s almost burning off. Despite these thoughts, he decided that there’s no reason for him to be seeking what they mean.
When he was about to continue with the illustration, he realized he accidentally broke the nib of his pen. He thanked the gods he doesn’t believe in that it wasn’t the screen that broke. Gerard stood and walked to the cabinet where he kept the things he needed for his art. The jars clanked against each other as he rummaged through the boxes of trinkets, looking for an extra nib to replace the one he messed up. “Fuck, where did I keep those?” Gerard says.
His wrist ached as he tried to haul a box from the very bottom of his cabinet. He can’t remember if that’s where he placed the nibs, but he’s checking anyway. In an attempt to force it out of the tight space, something else flew out of it. Gerard landed on his ass on the floor with a groan. His eyes followed where the thing landed on his dirty carpet. It was small, so small he thought it was a pebble he decided to keep for a reason he can’t remember.
A seaglass.
There’s a loud thump in his chest upon seeing it. All the ache in his chest that he looked away from all this time finally caught up. As if his mind projected his life from 20 years ago, he saw himself young and gleeful. Hesitantly, he reached out to get a hold of the tiny seaglass. Memories of his past came back to him in such a pace he can’t keep up with. An overwhelming longing unfolded like an old forgotten song made its way into his throat, along with the name he so wretchedly forced himself to unlearn.
“Frank…” with a smile, he says tenderly. “My Frank…”
In an instant, Gerard realized that nothing has changed in this town, but the sky hovering over Belleville is no longer an explosion of orange and pink watercolor. It is now a lifeless grey he grew to resent.
With the sudden reappearance of that seaglass, he found it unbelievable how likely it is to forget a person after years of not hearing a single thing about them. Gerard can’t recall the last time Frank ever came across his mind before this. His face is no longer a clear picture in his head, it’s all blurry yet somehow, he can still remember the words he used to describe Frank’s features with.
Since it’s just another day of getting up and doing whatever he wants after finishing his work duties, he has some ideas on what to do with his remaining time. The oak creaked under his weight as he walked the stairs leading down to the basement, also his infamous former room. This is where he kept all the things he no longer wanted to see upstairs but too sentimental to let go of.
He popped a disc he grabbed on the way to the basement into an old dusty player. Nowadays, there are more convenient ways to play music without having to dust off things, but he liked to keep it this way. He’s ancient like that.
He proceeded to lift up an unused bed frame to reveal a plethora of more boxes where all the photo albums are kept. Gerard chuckled at the idea of him being 16 and wasting his camera films for the most useless and uninteresting subjects before. He used to take random shots of everything around him, resulting in loads of photos in front of him. He silently wished Mikey didn’t take those photo albums which contained photos of him and the “gang” as they used to call themselves.
There’s really no point in digging up ancient crap like this, Gerard is so aware of that fact. He could just ask Mikey or Ray for Frank’s contact and arrange a meet up, but that idea scares him. All these years, he’s repulsed by the thought of seeing his first love again. Besides, he’s doing this to pass the time. There was nothing to do, and it won’t hurt to walk down the memory lane. Maybe he could invite Ray for coffee one of these days, review the photos with him, and exchange forgotten stories to each other. He made a note to text his friend later.
Gerard tucks a stray lump of hair to the back of his ear, his hair had gotten so long after refusing to visit the barber for months. He initially planned to let his hair grow longer but like he used to but he’s starting to get irritated. He spat a polite curse at the wind. After all the chucking out old figurines and tossing outdated comic books across the room, he spotted a discolored blue hardbound cover. Faded Batman stickers peeling off by the edges stared back at him as he read the title of the album: “For when we go back to Belleville”.
Remembering what the title implied, he laughed at himself. For one, he left Belleville for a very short time, secondly, there’s no “we” anymore. Mikey rarely came back to this town, Ray never left, and Frank… Well, God knows where he is and what he’s up to now. The promise this title held faltered like autumn trees before Gerard’s eyes. The thought made him feel miserable. He’s unexpectedly reminded with no defense of how nobody could’ve ever predicted this situation many years ago. They were all so inseparable, nothing could ever break their bond with each other, not even when Ray was too sick to go to his classes— they all skipped school for 3 days and somehow, their teachers understood. Gerard’s friendship with them was bigger than the obstacles they used to face, especially with Frank.
His feelings for Frank transcended the definition of what love is. Frank was his soulmate who knew how to put Gerard’s thoughts into words more so than he did. In turn, Gerard gave Frank the warmth of an embrace he never felt from anyone else at all. Seeing each other after a class they weren’t together in was like finally laying on the softest bed in the world after running laps all day. It was irreplaceable.
Mikey knew what was going on between them, so did Ray, but did not dare to speak about it. Before it all dawned down to the both of them, Mikey used to feel jealous of the attention Gerard’s giving to Frank. Gerard would ditch their movie nights just to hang out with Frank by the beach at night and smoke their lungs out. He thought it was unfair that Frank was replacing his position of being a brother to Gerard. But he got it all wrong. Frank was never to Gerard the way Mikey was to him. It’s all different. That’s why up to this day, he still finds it unbelievable that the two no longer talk and are miles away from each other. They had a connection one couldn’t have broken, not even distance.
Gerard sat on a stool, unmoving with a heavy archive of memories between his palms. He’s pretty sure half of these photos would be just Frank, because he loved capturing those eyes. He worshipped Frank’s very existence, and he expressed it through his art.
“Gee, know that I am not about to insult your art or anything by that nature, but can you please make my nose smaller?” Frank rambled on. “Or I will cry.”
“You’re too polite, you could’ve just said my drawing sucks, y’know?” Gerard faked offense, snatching the sketchbook away from his friend and proceeded to erase the part Frank pointed at.
“You didn’t have to do it, loser. It was a suggestion” he nudges at the man’s side.
They’re currently sitting on the hood of Frank’s car, staring out the empty parking lot of the park. There’s a few strangers jogging by the bank staring at them which Frank would stick his tongue out to and would earn a pinch on the thigh from Gerard. They both giggle when Frank does it anyway. It’s 11PM and they have early classes the morning after, neither gives a damn if they came to school with dark circles around their eyes, as long as it’s the both of them.
It’s one of the good things about their friendship. They’re not afraid of getting stuck into inconvenient situations because they know the other one would be suffering with them as well. It’s a comforting idea, especially for a pair of cowards who are about to step into adulthood. They knew they’d be stuck with each other for long, because how else would Frank learn how to get his own passport and other government issued documents if there’d be no Gerard to process them with? The truth is that they’re both too scared of how big the universe is expanding before their eyes. Getting older is finding out you’re all but a speck of dust, both Frank and Gerard are starting to try to wrap their heads around that idea and it scares them. That’s why they stick to each other’s side, no matter what.
“Your suggestion implies that I’m lacking” Gerard chuckles while ‘fixing’ Frank’s nose. He shoves the sketchpad on Frank’s lap once he’s done. “Are you happy? You damaged my confidence as an artist, are you happy?”
“Oh my God, you’re so dramatic, and I never said you sucked” Frank rolls his eyes while gripping the sides of the book, holding it very close to his face as if there’s a secret behind the lines that he needs to decode. “And your drawing is awesome, it’s obviously on me that I can’t look at my face realistically.”
Gerard watches his friend take a drag off a cigarette as he’s admiring the drawing. Frank always gives the most satisfying reaction to his art, he’s always the one to stare at them the longest too. “Your nose looks good to me, that’s why I drew it that way” he mutters.
“I trust your artist eyes, I wish I could have them”
“Your insecurities are wiped if that happens”
“I would say the same for you but you’re a bonehead. You’d never believe me.” Frank giggles at Gerard’s blushy face. He knows how nervous Gerard gets when people compliment him.
"Stop being stupid" Gerard mumbled his words, Frank almost didn't catch them.
"Dude, I'm serious. You're like very pretty. It sucks that you don't see it"
"Well, it sucks that you don't think your nose looks okay too. This is such a dumb thing to argue about."
Gerard wanted to reciprocate the compliments properly, if only it wouldn't scare his friend away. He knew Frank could use some kind words sometimes seeing as he's evidently struggling with self esteem. Gerard might be struggling with the same thing and it might be hypocritical to say it, but he wants Frank to know how easy it is to make a photograph breathtaking when he's the subject.
Unfortunately, there's no way to say these words without his mouth betraying his secrets. Maybe one day when the feelings are gone, he might be comfortable enough to make Frank feel better about himself.
"But it's true though. I could never understand how girls and boys at school aren't crazy about you yet." Frank says nonchalantly, gazing far within the trees in the darkened park.
Gerard suddenly chuckles, earning an eyebrow raise from Frank. "That's so out of character, I can't believe you with that tone, Frankie"
"The only time I didn't lie and you're not taking me seriously, fuck you" Frank snickers through his sentences, punching Gerard at his shoulder slightly.
It was true that the tone in which Frank spoke about Gerard was one of the most serious he ever sounded, it was terrifyingly genuine. Gerard saw a spark of chance which faded so quickly. No way could someone really see him in that light when there was never a moment in his life where he imagined himself being admired in such a way. He's sure he's been a tiny bit attractive to someone before, he knows he's decent looking, but never enough to actually tell him. At least not in a way that Frank does.
He almost believed it was a subtle confession, but Frank had always worn his heart on his sleeve. He's the kind of person to not hold back with compliments. Everybody gets compliments from Frank, so what's so special about him?
Comfortable silence is one of Gerard's favorite things about this friendship. No words are exchanged but it tells so much about them. Frank throws a short smile at him, a genuine one that Gerard would move mountains for. He picks up his camera from the sling bag sitting on his side.
Frank is dangling his feet by the bumper, looking at the sky. For some reason, the sky is perfectly clear tonight, they could see the stars so vividly. Gerard's fingers lightly shivered at the coldness of his camera, reaching for the shutter button. As he's fixing the aperture, Frank suddenly says "I used to think we could touch the sky and stars are holes on its surf—" shutter .
Gerard captured just right at the moment when Frank was blabbering about his childhood. The shutter was loud enough to get Frank's attention, turning his head to Gerard with a grin and— shutter . Another shot exhibiting Frank's teethy smile that Gerard loved so much. It's a perfect shot, the light is barely illuminating Frank's skin, but the shadows casted by the lamp post accentuated his smile.
"A warning would've helped" Franks says with a grin.
"Nah, I like it better unscripted" Gerard grins back. "You're going on my college entrance portfolio's photography section."
"Well I'm honored”
Frank gnawed on his bottom lip pretending there weren't butterflies storming up in his belly. Gerard looks away hoping he was brave enough about all of this.
“This is insane, Gee. I didn't think you'd keep this thing after all these years!” Ray exclaimed as he flipped over the stiff pages. He's sitting across from Gerard in a booth of the diner they used to work at.
There weren't a lot of people in the establishment where they decided to meet up for a chat. Frankly, Gerard had to drag himself out of the house and grow some balls to start talking about their past again. It was odd to know that they were his memories and not someone else’s. Seeing himself in these pictures and the younger images of his friends felt like looking through the lenses of a stranger he's never met, but it's all so familiar.
However, Ray didn't feel the same. There were sparkles in his eyes when he stared at the photographs, it's what loosened Gerard up just a little bit. At least there's some kind of assurance that there's a point in digging it out of the dusty boxes, this wasn't totally such a bad idea after all.
“What made you think of looking for this relic again?” Ray looks up from the pages to Gerard’s face sprawled with an uneasy expression. “Man, this thing is ancient”
“Uh…” Gerard cleared his throat. “The seaglass, I found it under my alcohol markers and pen nibs. Think it's been stuck there for ages. It reminded me of this album.”
“The seaglass?” Ray mutters in interrogation. They both stared back at each other in an equally confused gaze. “The hell is that?”
“Brother, the seaglass , how could you forget?”
“I'm not sure I know what that is…” Ray says and raises an eyebrow in the process.
Gerard sighs exasperatedly, unable to understand why Ray forgot about that thing. “Do I have to remind you of that time Frank tried to drown us all?”
“Can't remember a thing, but that little shit was always a menace, I'm sure.” Ray chuckles out. “Help me recall.”
“Yeah, well, he tried to drown us then Mikey avenged us by doing the same to him.” Gerard laughs fondly at the memory.
“Fuck yo—” Frank tried to scream out in fits of giggles but was washed up by the sea when Mikey harshly grabbed at his patchy bleached faux hawk down to the salty waves.
“Get that, loser!” Ray instigates while Gerard was losing his breath, throwing his head back as he laughed at the scene.
“Hey! You're being too much!” Then his head went below the surface again, it was Ray who pushed his shoulders down this time. Gerard cackles even further, choosing to be the audience at the sidelines instead of contributing to Frank's demise. “I swear to god—” a series of words muffled by the bubbles echoes at the almost empty shore.
“What you, fucker, get for trying to drown me!” Mikey yells in between the laughter. There's a big smile splattered all over Frank's face as he breaks away from the grasp, all aware of why he's getting this treatment. He did not, in fact, regret what he did.
“Alright, I think that's enough” Gerard pipes in, placing an arm around Frank’s shoulder before taking his turn at pulling Frank down like the Cthulhu. “Sorry!”
“Race to the benches!” Ray screamed and the two took off to break away from the tide. Gerard was giggling the entire time until he realized Frank's not rising above the surface even when he's stopped pressing on the man's shoulder.
“Hey! That's unfair, Raymond!” He hears Mikey yell in the background. The blood in his veins ran colder and colder when Frank started sinking further into the depths.
“Frank? Frank, this isn't funny!” He tried to grab on Frank's shirt but his hands felt nothing but the drag of the sea water instead.
Gerard couldn't see the figure of his friend through the murky waters, especially when Frank was wearing a black shirt. He started panicking, looking around from where he was afloat. “Frank— Guys! Help me! I couldn't see Frank!” He tried calling for aid but the two were brawling on the sands.
“Frankie, please, I can't see you!” Gerard's voice cracks, yelling as if it would help him spot the man faster. He let out a frustrated scream and an inaudible sob as splashed around the moving waters helplessly.
“Please, please, I can't lose you like this, I can't— I can't lose you—”
“I found a seaglass!” He hears a loud voice behind him. When he turned around, he saw the smiling(?) face of the friend he thought he lost. Before Gerard could stop himself, he rushes to wrap Frank around his arms. “Woah! Gerard, what—”
“I thought I killed you, I thought you were gone, Frank. Don't do that again, please.” Gerard sobs on Frank’s neck.
“Hey, no…” he gently rubs the back of Gerard’s head with his thumb. “My foot touched something smooth and round, I just went to pick it up.” He says softly. “Here, look, it's a seaglass. See?”
He detangles Gerard’s grasp with minimum effort to show him the treasure that he found. Gerard lets out a sound that was supposedly a chuckle but came out as a relieved sigh. “That's beautiful, Frank.”
“I know…” Frank stares at Gerard as he admires the gem. “It’s yours now, I guess.”
“No, Frank, you found it. I don't wanna be unfair.”
“Stop, I'm giving it to you,” Frank forced Gerard’s fingers to close around the seaglass. “Please keep it”
“This is stupid, it’s you who found it”
“It’s a thank you for being scared of losing me.” Frank sticks a tongue out to him before running out of the waves.
They both went back to the shore where Mikey and Ray were both trying to decorate each other with grains of sand. Their shirts hung limp on the benches, waiting for them to dry as the four young boys dreamed of a life where it's peaceful and nobody goes anywhere without the other.
The seaglass hid inside the pocket of Gerard’s shorts like a promise.
Gerard stupidly recalled that special moment he once had the privilege to have experienced freely on the coasts of New Jersey. Remembering how it used to be was like hearing a familiar song, only was it muffled by the water in his ears. He could never hear the song the same way it sounded when he first heard it.
Home wasn't home at all, he certainly isn't the same person that he was.
This town is but a remnant of his golden days, and the seaglass is a reminder of it. The reason why Ray couldn't remember it is because it was only special to Gerard and Frank. No one else.