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“I hate you, man! I fuckin’ hate you! Bitch!”
The words that left Jimmy’s lips startled both Alex and himself. They were so hateful, so bitter and resentful—a stark contrast to his usual affectionate and loving nature. Alex had observed how distant Jimmy had been lately, how spacey he’d been, how he promised to be there for Alex every step of the way, but was never there.
“Your first love will always be drugs! Walk out that fucking door and you walk out of my life! You can have your fucking ring back too!”
Alex’s exclamation pierced through the haze in Jimmy’s mind, the cold isolation that had afflicted him for all these years. It took him aback, stunned him. His trembling hand halted before he could reach the handle of the door.
Like always, it remained closed. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t open the door. The isolation was too much, too familiar to change now. He wanted to be there for Alex, wanted to show his affection for her, wanted to be an unwavering presence in her life. But he couldn’t be who she needed right now.
Instead, Jimmy turned on his heel and walked by Alex, his actions swift despite the slight sway to his movements as he walked deeper into the apartment, the interior blurring around him, all the pictures framed on the walls that captured memories all distorting into something unrecognisable. His head swam, his vision clouding as he made it to the bedroom. To make a barrier between himself and the outside world, he closed the door with a slam.
In the moment, Jimmy wanted to be left alone as he buried himself under the covers on the bed like a blanket of dirt covering his body, chaining him to the spot. His body felt heavy, and he could feel a cold sweat coming on, his back dampening, his body tingling with a merciless cold that consumed his body.
‘You’re never around anymore, Jimmy! You’re a million miles away all the damn time! I’m sick of chasing you around!’
‘The fuck, man?! I’m right here, I'm always here for you, dawg! Don’t get it fucking mixed up!’
The distant argument loomed in his head, haunting him like a ghost. How dare Alex accuse him of being distant when he’d always been there, always showed up for her. Or so he thought. Jimmy squinted his eyes, a wave of brain fog overwhelming his mind. Had he been there? His mind refused to let him remember. Fuck.
He didn’t feel right in his own body. It felt heavy, like he was being weighed down by all of his burdens he’d endured. A distant memory of popping prescription pills last night occurred to him. Sleeping pills he’d found in Alex’s bedside table. He’d emptied the bottle, used them all up in one night. Perhaps that’s why she was so pissed. Perhaps that’s why his body felt paralysed, his head was racing with fatigue and lightheadedness. How the fuck could he do this to his girlfriend?
Yet, he refused to change no matter how much the guilt was eating him alive, no matter how heavy his heart felt every time he talked to Alex while avoiding eye contact.
‘Your eyes are so beautiful.’
He wanted to ask Alex whether she still felt that way when his eyes were bloodshot and half-lidded, when his pupils had dilated so much that the deep blue of his eyes was unrecognisable. Jimmy would give anything for another compliment from the woman he loved more than life itself, but the isolation was too captivating, too familiar and comforting.
Fortunately for Jimmy, Alex refused to enter the bedroom, clearly not wanting to face Jimmy while he was high.
The door remained closed for the rest of the night.
—
It’d gotten bad again. Another broken promise. Another lie that he’d get better. Never had he tried to get better. Why would he when the door could stay closed, when he could shut everyone out and rely on the one old friend that never failed him.
Though, Jimmy hadn’t intended to let it get this bad. He’d mixed the drugs he’d taken, the top up of Alex’s sleeping pills and around a dozen of the valium he’d found at the bottom of a drawer in the bedroom and in the pockets of his old hoodies. The effects hit him quicker than they usually did, and he stumbled into the bathroom aimlessly to splash his face with water in a desperate attempt to snap himself out of the haze that seemed to be rapidly consuming him. His face distorted in the mirror in front of him, and he could barely recognise himself. It was sickening. Not even his mother could love him like this. Good. He didn’t need anyone to love him. Not like this.
Albeit, for once, the door was open.
Alex rushed into the bathroom after hearing a loud thud from where she stood in the kitchen. Her heart pounded in her chest, panic flowing through her senses as her gaze fell upon Jimmy unconscious, his unmoving body splayed upon the floor. Their cat Shinx was rubbing himself up against Jimmy’s body, clueless as to what had happened. “Fuck!” The cuss left Alex’s lips before she could comprehend it, and an array of cries erupted from her as she rushed forward, time seeming like it was moving in slow motion as she shook Jimmy in a feeble attempt to wake him up.
“Come on Jimmy, you’ve gotta wake up! You can’t leave me—not like this. Not when I’m pregnant!” Alex sobbed, her head shaking from side to side in disbelief as she lifted Jimmy’s wrist up to check his pulse. It was faint and sporadic under the pad of her fingers, but it was yet to dissipate. A diminutive sense of relief flooded through her, her fingers remaining on his wrist to keep track of his pulse for a moment longer. She needed to act quickly, her thoughts racing as she rushed to the house phone.
—
The door had been open for a while now, and Jimmy was letting people in. He’d gotten better, and accepted rehab and counselling upon learning that he was soon to be a father. He wanted to be the best version of himself for when his daughter was brought into his life.
Panic consumed him when the piercing cries of his baby girl echoed in the hospital room. Was she okay? Was she in pain? Alex had to tiredly grab Jimmy’s hand and reassure him that the cries were normal, and that everything was okay.
Everything in life seemed to click into place for Jimmy when their daughter—River—was placed onto Alex’s chest, the baby curling up into the small embrace, relaxing into the warmth of her mother’s skin. Jimmy watched in adoration, unable to tear his eyes away from his beautiful girlfriend and the life they’d created. It seemed unreal, like some dream or a movie. Jimmy could hardly believe that he’d survived this long to be rewarded with the family he’d always dreamed of.
The words “Would you like to hold her?” rang through Jimmy’s mind, and the panic increased for a brief moment. What if he was too rough and hurt his daughter? What if he miscalculated her size and dropped her? What if his daughter hated him? His thoughts raced tenfold.
Though, the panic dissipated in an instant when his baby girl was placed into his arms, and everything felt right in the world. The world felt peaceful again, like life was on his side instead of against him like it had been for years. Jimmy hadn’t even noticed the tears streaming down his cheeks as he glanced down at his daughter, and in the moment he vowed to be the best version of himself for his three girls.
The isolation that had plagued his life was gone, replaced with an omnipresent feeling of compassion and love from his family. Here, with River cradled in one arm, Alex’s hand in his, and Lilly’s curious gaze peering at the new life they’d brought into the world in his arm, everything finally felt peaceful in the chaotic world of the Smith’s.