Work Text:
how do I mourn what never lived
The rain pattered against the windowpane, casting a melancholy rhythm over the room. Seungcheol sat hunched on his bed, his laptop open in front of him, the soft glow of the screen illuminating his face. The song drifting from the speakers seemed to mock him, each word resonating with painful clarity, sharpened by betrayal.
Seungcheol's eyes dropped to the floor, his gaze tracing the patterns of the rug as if searching for answers. His mind, however, was elsewhere, lost in the memories of what could have been. Memories of him and Jeonghan, their names intertwined since freshman year, a tapestry woven with shared late-night study sessions, whispered jokes, now ripped and frayed beyond repair.
The dim light of the room seemed to close in around him, suffocating him with the weight of his emotions. Seungcheol's chest felt heavy, his heart aching with a dull, throbbing pain. He'd fallen for Jeonghan slowly, quietly, captivated by his charm, his smile. He'd been so blind.
As the song continued to play, Seungcheol's thoughts drifted back to the past, to the memories of him and Jeonghan together. He remembered the way Jeonghan used to make him laugh, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he smiled. He remembered the way Jeonghan used to hold his hand, the way his touch used to make him feel alive.
Seungcheol's eyes began to sting as he fought back tears, his throat constricting with emotion. The memories were bittersweet, a painful reminder of what he'd lost. He felt like he was drowning in his grief, suffocating under the weight of his own emotions.
As the song continued to play, the memories came flooding back, each one a fresh stab to Seungcheol's already battered heart. The late-night diner visits, once filled with laughter and whispered secrets, now seemed like a carefully constructed illusion. The neon lights of the diner, the smell of greasy food, and the sound of sizzling meat all blended together to create a sense of nostalgia, but it was a nostalgia tainted by bitterness.
Seungcheol's eyes seemed to glaze over as he relived the memories, his mind trapped in a loop of pain and regret. He remembered the way Jeonghan used to smile at him, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners, and the way his voice used to make Seungcheol's heart skip a beat. But now, those memories were tainted by the knowledge of Jeonghan's infidelity.
The night he'd confessed his feelings to Jeonghan, Seungcheol had felt like he was on top of the world. He'd been so sure that Jeonghan felt the same way, that their relationship was something special.
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Seungcheol's mind was flooded with memories of Jeonghan's infidelity. He remembered the night he'd caught Jeonghan with another guy, the way his heart had shattered into a million pieces.
He'd been waiting for Jeonghan at the dorm, studying for an exam while Jeonghan was out "running errands". But when Jeonghan finally showed up, his hair was mussed and his clothes were disheveled. Seungcheol had known something was off, but he'd tried to brush it off as paranoia.
That was until he saw the text messages on Jeonghan's phone. Messages from another guy, messages that made it clear Jeonghan had been cheating on him.
Seungcheol's eyes had widened in shock as he confronted Jeonghan. "Who is he?" Seungcheol had demanded, his voice shaking with anger and hurt.
Jeonghan had tried to downplay it, to tell Seungcheol that it was just a mistake, that it didn't mean anything. But Seungcheol had known better. He'd seen the way Jeonghan looked at him, the way he'd lied to him, the way he'd broken his trust.
The memory of that night still felt like a fresh wound, a painful reminder of Jeonghan's betrayal. Seungcheol's eyes stung as he fought back tears, his heart heavy with grief and anger.
"Why did you do it?" Seungcheol whispered, his voice barely audible. "Why did you lie to me?"
Seungcheol's eyes blazed with anger as he confronted Jeonghan. "How could you do this to me?" he demanded, his voice low and menacing.
Jeonghan took a step back, his eyes darting around the room as if searching for an escape. "Seungcheol, I--"
"Don't lie to me!" Seungcheol's voice rose to a shout. "I saw the texts, Jeonghan. I know all about it."
Jeonghan's face went white, and for a moment, Seungcheol thought he saw a flicker of guilt. But then Jeonghan's expression hardened, and he sneered at Seungcheol.
"You're so possessive, Seungcheol," Jeonghan spat. "You can't handle the fact that I have a life outside of you."
Seungcheol's eyes widened in shock. "A life outside of me?" he repeated, his voice trembling with rage. "You were cheating on me, Jeonghan. That's not a 'life outside of me', that's betrayal."
Jeonghan shrugged, his expression unrepentant. "You're just being dramatic, Seungcheol. It didn't mean anything."
Seungcheol's anger boiled over, and he slammed his fist into the wall, making Jeonghan jump. "You're unbelievable," Seungcheol snarled. "You're going to stand there and tell me that cheating on me didn't mean anything?"
Jeonghan's eyes flashed with anger, and he took a step forward, his fists clenched. "You're not perfect either, Seungcheol," he spat. "You're just as guilty as I am."
Seungcheol's eyes narrowed, his heart pounding with fury. "How dare you," he whispered, his voice deadly calm. "I never cheated on you. I never lied to you."
Jeonghan sneered at him. "You're just as bad as I am, Seungcheol. You're just too blind to see it."
Seungcheol's fist connected with Jeonghan's jaw, sending him crashing to the floor. Seungcheol stood over him, his chest heaving with rage and hurt.
"You're dead to me," Seungcheol spat, his voice trembling with emotion.
Jeonghan looked up at him, his eyes wide with shock and pain. But Seungcheol didn't care. He turned and walked away, leaving Jeonghan lying on the floor.
As he walked out of the dorm room, Seungcheol felt tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. He tried to hold them back, but they spilled down his face anyway, hot and salty.
He walked blindly through the corridors, not knowing where he was going or what he was doing. All he knew was that he had to get away from Jeonghan, away from the pain and the hurt.
Seungcheol finally stumbled out into the cool night air, gasping for breath. He leaned against the wall of the dorm building, his body shaking with sobs.
He cried for what felt like hours, the tears streaming down his face as he mourned the loss of their relationship. He cried for the pain and the hurt, for the betrayal and the lies.
And when he finally ran out of tears, Seungcheol stood up, his eyes red and puffy. He took a deep breath, and then he walked away, leaving Jeonghan and the pain behind.
🍒
Seungcheol's phone one buzzed on his nightstand, shrill in the silence of his bedroom. He groggily reached over to answer it, his eyes squinting at the clock. 11:47 PM. Who could be calling him at this hour?
"Hello?" Seungcheol said, his voice husky with sleep.
"Seungcheol," Jeonghan's voice said on the other end of the line. "I'm so sorry to call you so late."
Seungcheol's heart skipped a beat as he heard Jeonghan's voice. They hadn't spoken in weeks, not since Seungcheol had found out about Jeonghan's infidelity.
"What do you want, Jeonghan?" Seungcheol asked, his voice cold and detached.
"I want to apologize," Jeonghan said, his voice filled with remorse. "I was wrong to cheat on you, Seungcheol. I know I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that."
Seungcheol felt a pang of anger and hurt at Jeonghan's words. How could he just apologize and expect everything to be okay?
"Seungcheol, I know I hurt you," Jeonghan said, his voice filled with remorse. "But I want you to know that I'm truly sorry. I was blind, I was stupid, and I made a mistake. But I promise you, it will never happen again."
Seungcheol remained silent, his emotions still raw from the hurt Jeonghan had caused him.
"Seungcheol, please," Jeonghan continued, his voice taking on a desperate tone. "You have to forgive me. I need you, Seungcheol. I need your love, your support. Without you, I'm nothing."
Seungcheol felt a pang of guilt at Jeonghan's words. He didn't want to be the one responsible for Jeonghan's happiness, but at the same time, he couldn't bear the thought of Jeonghan being miserable.
"Jeonghan, I..." Seungcheol started, his voice hesitant.
"Seungcheol, please," Jeonghan interrupted, his voice filled with urgency. "Just give me another chance. I promise you, I'll make it right. I'll do whatever it takes to regain your trust."
Seungcheol felt his resolve weakening, his emotions getting the better of him. He wanted to believe Jeonghan, wanted to trust him again.
"Okay, Jeonghan," Seungcheol said finally, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'll give you another chance."
Jeonghan's sigh of relief was audible over the phone, and Seungcheol couldn't help but feel a sense of unease. Had he just made a mistake?
🍒
It was almost 3 in the morning when Seungcheol heard a knock on the door
As soon as Seungcheol opened the door, Jeonghan was on him, his lips crashing down on Seungcheol's in a fierce, passionate kiss. Seungcheol was taken aback, but he quickly recovered, his arms wrapping around Jeonghan's waist as he deepened the kiss.
Their lips moved in perfect sync, their tongues tangling together in a dance of desire. Seungcheol could feel Jeonghan's heart pounding against his chest, and he knew that he was just as turned on.
As they kissed, Jeonghan's hands roamed over Seungcheol's body, his fingers tracing the contours of his face, his neck, his shoulders. Seungcheol shivered at the touch, his skin tingling with pleasure.
Without breaking the kiss, Jeonghan pushed Seungcheol backward, into the apartment. They stumbled through the living room, their lips still locked together, until they reached the bedroom.
There, they collapsed onto the bed, their bodies entwined as they continued to kiss. Seungcheol's hands were everywhere, tracing the lines of Jeonghan's face, his neck, his chest.
Jeonghan's hands were just as busy, his fingers digging into Seungcheol's skin as he pulled him closer. They were both breathing heavily, their chests heaving with desire.
As they kissed, Seungcheol could feel the tension between them building. It was like a spark had been lit, and it was only a matter of time before it ignited into a full-blown flame.
And then, in an instant, it happened. Their lips parted, and they stared into each other's eyes, the air between them crackling with electricity.
Seungcheol's heart was racing, his body trembling with desire. He knew that he wanted Jeonghan, wanted him more than anything.
And from the look in Jeonghan's eyes, Seungcheol knew that he felt the same way.
Seungcheol woke up to an empty bed. He reached out to the other side, feeling for Jeonghan's warm body, but he was alone.
He sat up, rubbing his eyes, trying to shake off the haze of sleep. He looked around the room, but there was no sign of Jeonghan.
Seungcheol's heart sank as he realized that Jeonghan had left without saying goodbye. He felt a pang of disappointment and hurt.
He threw off the covers and got out of bed, padding over to the kitchen to see if Jeonghan had left a note. But there was nothing.
Seungcheol's mind was racing as he tried to process what had happened the night before. He had been so caught up in the moment, so swept up in his desire for Jeonghan, that he hadn't stopped to think about the consequences.
Now, as he stood in his empty apartment, he couldn't help but wonder if he had made a mistake. Had he given in to Jeonghan's desires too easily? Had he let his heart override his head?
Seungcheol sighed, feeling a sense of uncertainty wash over him. He didn't know what the future held, or what Jeonghan's intentions were. All he knew was that he had to be careful, had to protect himself from getting hurt again.
Seungcheol was surprised when he heard the knock at the door. He hadn't expected anyone to visit, especially not Jeonghan.
He made his way to the door, his heart beating slightly faster as he wondered what Jeonghan wanted.
When he opened the door, Jeonghan was standing there with a bright smile on his face. "Hey, I brought lunch," he said, holding up a bag of food.
Seungcheol was taken aback by Jeonghan's casual demeanor. Didn't he remember what had happened the night before?
"Hey," Seungcheol said, trying to sound nonchalant. "Come on in."
Jeonghan walked in, dropping the bag of food on the kitchen counter. "I figured you might be hungry, so I brought some of your favorite food."
Seungcheol raised an eyebrow, feeling a pang of wariness. What was Jeonghan's motive?
"Thanks," Seungcheol said, trying to sound grateful. "That's really thoughtful of you."
Jeonghan smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. "I wanted to make it up to you," he said. "For last night."
Seungcheol's heart skipped a beat as he met Jeonghan's gaze. What did he mean? Was he apologizing for what had happened, or just trying to smooth things over?
As the days went by, Jeonghan and Seungcheol started to fall back into their normal routine. They would meet up for lunch, go on walks, and just enjoy each other's company.
At first, Seungcheol was wary of getting too close to Jeonghan again. He was still hurt from the cheating incident, and he didn't want to get hurt again.
But Jeonghan was patient and understanding. He gave Seungcheol space when he needed it, and he never pushed him to talk about things he didn't want to.
Slowly but surely, Seungcheol started to open up to Jeonghan again. He would tell him about his day, his hopes and dreams, and his fears.
Jeonghan listened attentively, offering words of encouragement and support. He was there for Seungcheol, and Seungcheol started to feel like he could trust him again.
Things were far from perfect, but they were getting better. Seungcheol and Jeonghan were taking things slow, getting to know each other again and rebuilding their relationship.
It wasn't easy, but they were willing to put in the work. They loved each other atleast that was what seungcheol believed , and they were determined to make things right.
🍒
Seungcheol was busy in the kitchen, whipping up a batch of his famous chocolate chip cookies. Jeonghan was lounging on the couch, watching TV and occasionally yelling out suggestions for what kind of cookies Seungcheol should make next.
"Add more chocolate chips!" Jeonghan shouted.
Seungcheol rolled his eyes good-naturedly. "You just want more chocolate chips because you're addicted to sugar," he teased.
Jeonghan grinned. "Hey, that's not true! I just have a refined palate."
Seungcheol chuckled and slid a tray of cookies into the oven. The aroma of melting chocolate and baking dough filled the apartment, making Jeonghan's stomach growl with anticipation.
A few minutes later, Seungcheol pulled the cookies out of the oven and let them cool on the rack. Jeonghan got up from the couch and padded over to the kitchen, his eyes fixed greedily on the cookies.
"Can I have one?" he asked, his voice wheedling.
Seungcheol laughed and handed him a warm cookie. "Here, but don't burn your tongue."
Jeonghan took a bite of the cookie and closed his eyes in bliss. "Mmm, this is so good," he mumbled, his mouth full.
Seungcheol smiled and leaned in to kiss him. "I'm glad you like it," he said, his voice soft.
Jeonghan's eyes snapped open, and he smiled up at Seungcheol. "I love you," he said, his voice sincere.
Seungcheol's heart melted. "I love you too," he replied, his voice barely above a whisper.
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"You said this was a forever thing, not a fling…"
Seungcheol stood outside Jeonghan's apartment, a excited smile spreading across his face. He had just returned from Japan, and he couldn't wait to surprise Jeonghan.
He had planned the perfect surprise, complete with flowers, chocolates, and a heartfelt letter expressing his love.
Seungcheol took a deep breath, raised his hand, and knocked on the door.
There was no answer.
Seungcheol frowned, wondering if Jeonghan was out. But then he heard a faint noise coming from inside.
He knocked again, louder this time.
The noise stopped, and Seungcheol heard footsteps approaching the door.
It swung open, and Jeonghan stood before him, looking disheveled and guilty.
Seungcheol's heart sank as he took in the scene behind Jeonghan. Hyungwon, the same guy Jeonghan had cheated on him with previously, was standing in the background, a smirk on his face.
Seungcheol felt like he had been punched in the gut. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
"Seungcheol," Jeonghan said, his voice shaking. "I...I can explain."
Seungcheol shook his head, his eyes filling with tears. "No," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "You can't explain this away, Jeonghan. You cheated on me again."
Jeonghan took a step forward, but Seungcheol backed away, his heart heavy with sadness.
"I thought we were working through our issues," Seungcheol said, his voice cracking. "I thought we were rebuilding our relationship."
Jeonghan looked at him, tears in his own eyes. "We were," he said. "I swear, Seungcheol. This was just a mistake."
Seungcheol shook his head again. "A mistake?" he repeated. "You call cheating on me again a mistake?"
Jeonghan didn't answer, and Seungcheol knew that he had made up his mind.
"It's over," Seungcheol said, his voice firm. "I deserve better than someone who can't even be faithful to me."
And with that, Seungcheol turned and walked away, leaving Jeonghan and Hyungwon behind.
Seems like I fought for you more than you ever did
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It had been a month since Seungcheol walked away from Jeonghan. A month since his heart was shattered into a million pieces.
Jeonghan had called and texted him several times, begging for forgiveness and promising to change. But Seungcheol was resolute. He never picked up or replied to Jeonghan's messages.
Seungcheol was broken, but he refused to go back to the way things were before. He deserved better than someone who couldn't even be faithful to him.
He thought about all the times he'd cried himself to sleep, all the times he'd begged Jeonghan to stay, to love him, to cherish him. He thought about all the times he'd felt like he was dying, like his heart was being ripped from his chest.
But as he sat there, something shifted inside of him. He realized that he wasn't mourning the loss of Jeonghan, not really. He was mourning the loss of what could have been, of what should have been.
He thought about all the promises Jeonghan had made, all the vows he'd broken. He thought about all the times he'd been hurt, all the times he'd been betrayed.
And then it hit him: he was trying to mourn something that had never truly existed. Jeonghan had never loved him, not really. He had never cherished him, never valued him.
He picked up his phone, his thumb hovering over Jeonghan’s contact. He should have missed him. But all he felt was a hollow ache and a simmering rage. He deleted Jeonghan’s number. He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t keep reliving the lies, the betrayals, the shattered dreams. He couldn’t keep fighting for someone who wasn’t fighting for him.
Seungcheol's eyes dried as he realized the truth. He didn't have to mourn what never lived. He didn't have to waste another tear on someone who had never deserved them.
He closed his eyes, the rain continuing its relentless rhythm. He knew he couldn’t change the past. But he could control his future. He would no longer be a fool. He would no longer give Jeonghan the power to hurt him. He would rebuild, heal, and learn to trust again. But Jeonghan would not be a part of that future. He had loved Jeonghan. He thought he always would. But now, all he felt was a profound sense of loss, not just for what could have been, but for the trust that had been so carelessly broken, for the lies that had been so skillfully woven, for the realization that he'd been playing a game he could never win.
With a newfound sense of freedom, Seungcheol stood up and walked away from the bed, away from the memories, away from the heartache. He walked towards a new beginning, towards a brighter future, towards a life where he would be loved and cherished for who he truly was.