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Thanos looked back at his room, a weird cold feeling creeping up his neck. this would be the last time he ever saw it. the room he grew up in, the room that kept him safe from his parents never ending arguments. he could practically hear their arguments, his mom's voice being the most obvious. his mom always wanted only what was best for him, which was the exact opposite of his dad. while his mom was the definition of warm and loving, thanos' dad was cold and icy, unlovable and careless. all he wanted was for his mom to divorce his dad, for them two to move away from him and start fresh, still being in contact with nam-gyu, of course. but life never went how thanos wanted it do go. he never got what he wanted. it was as if he was put under a spell the second he was born, for his life to be as terrible as possible.
thanos looked around once more, making sure he grabbed everything he needed. he made a mental note, ticking the boxes, clothes, money, pictures, food, spare phone, he had everything he needed. well, almost everything. it had been what, 1? maybe 2? years since his mom had passed. honestly, thanos wasnt sure, time merged together the second he got pulled out of class that one day. he could remember what the teacher had said, word by word.
listen, su-bong, we got a call from your father, your mother she.. she committed.. she left you a note
at the thought of the note, thanos squeezed his trouser pockets, where the note sat, safe and protected from all harm
feeling tears slowly roll down his face, he finally decided it was time to leave. climbing out the window, he made sure not to make too much noise, incase it woke his dad up. there was one more thing he needed to do, one more place he had to go to.
he knew the way off by heart, being able to navigate his way there even with his eyes closed. nam-gyu. he needed to see him, one more time. for the last time.
nam-gyu's house was 13 minutes away from thanos' house, or 5 if you were to run, which thanos decided against.
the moon shone, illuminating all the memories he had with nam-gyu. to his left, was the entrance to the forest, the place they would go when life got too much. the place where thanos had first told nam-gyu about his home life, about his problems, about his scars. about everything. it was the place where nam-gyu held him as he cried his eyes out, years and years of hiding his emotions, released within just 10 minutes of talking to nam-gyu. he had that effect on him, something that thanos loved about him, how he never felt judged no matter how much of a shit person he was. nam-gyu was the reason he was still alive. if it wasnt for nam-gyu, thanos would've been dead at 11. 6 years ago, nam-gyu had entered his life. giving his dark and gloomy life, joy and light when he most needed it.
it was when his parents first started fighting, fighting about thanos. his dad was the one who had found out about his scars, his dad was the one he blew up on him. "a freak is what you are" his dad had yelled, "no son of mine is weak enough to hurt themselves, you truly aren't my son". he didnt want to think about his dad right now, all he wanted to think about was nam-gyu.
as if on cue, his house came into view. his 2 story house, bright garden sitting infront, mesmerising anyone who looked at it. thanos was jealous of nam-gyu, to be honest. he had everything thanos wanted, a loving family, who supported him no matter. he still remembers the way nam-gyu ran to him before school, practically yelling about his his parents supported his being gay. thanos wished he was nam-gyu. but he wasnt, he never would be him. nam-gyu was perfect, while thanos was far from perfect.
thanos sneaked by the side of the house, stopping infront of the tree that sat on the side. he had done this countless of times before. so why did this time feel so weird? thanos mentally hit his brain, of course it was going to feel weird. it was the last time he would ever do this, ever sneak into his bestfriends house. last time he would ever see his best friend. placing his foot on the bottom of the tree, he slowly climbed it, trying not to bash the roots against the windows. luckily, the tree was placed just outside of nam-gyu's window, making entering and leaving a lot easier.
he hadnt seen nam-gyu asleep before 11pm since they were 12, and today was no different. through the blindes thanos could make out nam-gyu sitting at his desk, probably studdying or drawing. thanos loved nam-gyu's drawings, he had one of them in his phonecase. it was a drawing nam-gyu had made when they were only 14. it was thanos and nam-gyu standing side by side, both of them with a smile on their face. in his bag, he had about 40 other drawings made by nam-gyu, aswell as many photos of the two of them together. from the day they first met to just last month. thanos loved taking pictures of the two of them, specifically nam-gyu, to just see how much they have changed in such a short period of time.
guilt started creeping up, only then did he realise he was about to say goodbye to his best friend for the last time. their final goodbye. he tapped on the window, watching as nam-gyu turned around in shock, before his face turned into a wide smile the second he realised thanos. nam-gyu, walked over the the window, unlocking it and opening it up for thanos.
"funny seeing you here, thanos" nam-gyu looked at thanos as he entered his room, his face turning into a frown once he realised how tense thanos looked. "hey, you okay?"
thanos walked over to nam-gyu's desk, not wanting to face his bestfriend. he looked at the drawing on the desk, it was a painting of the sunset, in it you would see two water bottles standing side by side. thanos instantly recognised that picture, he had taken it a few months ago. they had sat at the top of a hill, just talking about everything and nothing the whole time, until it went dark.
"thats supposed to be for your birthday, one week away!" nam-gyu walked over, standing next to thanos, watching his side profile. something felt off, but nam-gyu couldnt place his finger on it.
"nam-gyu, i need to talk to you" nam-gyu froze at his tone of voice, grabbing his hand before pulling his towards the bed. they both sat down, and it was only then when nam-gyu realised the bad on thanos' back
"nam-gyu.. im leaving"
nam-gyu froze, not being able to think anymore. all his dreams of his future with thanos, gone. his dreams where he would confess, they would grow old together, move in together and just be happy.
"you.. youre leaving?"
thanos nodded, not trusting his words
"you arent going to, you know," nam-gyu paused "kill yourself, are you?"
thanos noticed how shakey nam-gyu's voice was, and only then did he notice the tears streaming down his face. he quickly grabbed nam-gyu's hands, pulling him close and into a tight hug. "no, no, i wont. i promiced you i wont. and i will stick by my promise"
"please, stay, please, we can work something out, i promise, ill help you, you turn 18 in a month, we can move in together. please su-bong, please"
thanos' heart ached at the way nam-gyu said his real name, "hey man, i love you, but no fucking way" it wasnt ment to insult nam-gyu, it was just a way to say that his mind wasnt going to change, no matter what.
"was it, was it something i did?"
"no, no of course not. you have done nothing bad nam-gyu. i just cant live like this anymore"
nam-gyu nodded, he knew about thanos' home life. he was the one that thanos came to when he had panic attacks. he was the one that cleaned his cuts, every time he had relapsed.
"please, just stay the night with me"
"okay.."
thanos had dumped his backpack next to the bed, before nam-gyu had pulled him under the covers.
"wait-" thanos had gotten up, quickly walking over to nam-gyu's closet. he opened the door, looking through his hoodies. once he found the one he wanted, he took it out, closing the door behind him. turning around, he saw nam-gyu looking at him weirdly, tears still running down his face. slowly, he took off his own hoodie, wincing at the sight of his arms. they were covered in scars, all of them different sizes. quickly, he put on nam-gyu's hoodie, readjusting it to make sure the strings were equal.
he walked back over to the bed, handing nam-gyu his hoodie. "put it on" practically instantly, nam-gyu threw the hoodie over his head, pushing his arms through the sleeves
thanos fell into the bed, cuddling up next to nam-gyu.
"su-bong, promise me, that you wont hurt yourself, and that you will text me, atleast once a year, so i know you are safe and alive."
thanos sighed, before replying, "i promise, nam-gyu, i love you"
"i love you, choi su-bong"
they fell asleep, not in peace, but in harmony. today, the sun orbited around them. right now, everything paused. it was only thanos and nam-gyu, nam-gyu and thanos. and it always would be
thanos had woken up before nam-gyu, wriggling his way out of his arms. he hated the way nam-gyu's warmth almost immediately left him, making him want to go back and lay in bed with him. but he couldn't. instead, he walked over to the desk, picking up the painting nam-gyu had started. it wasnt finished, but thanos thought it was perfect, just like nam-gyu. he got an idea, he pulled out his cross necklace from under his hoodie, taking it off and opening it. all that was inside was a single dead daisy, the last one his mom ever gave him.
he grabbed a piece of spare paper and a pen from nam-gyu's collection of pens. he decided on writing a note, once last thing he would give to nam-gyu
to nam-gyu
i love you, since i was young. ive know i loved you since i was 12.
the way you smile, to that way you laugh. to the way you always hide your hands in hoodies and sweaters.
i wish we had more time, i wish we could be together forever
but sadly, we cant.
i hope you know i love you, and ill come back for you one day
i love you
i love you so much
love, choi su-bong
aka, thanos
also, hope you dont mind, i took the painting Xx
thanos folder the note up, placing it carefully into the cross. he looked back over at the sleeping man, noticing the tear stains on his face.
thanos walked over to him, before placing the cross necklace on nam-gyu's bed side table.
he picked up his bag, opening it and placing the painting carefully in, not before taking out one of the top photos. it was a photo of the two of them, when they were about 15. it was nam-gyu's birthday and nam-gyu's parents took both of them to a festival. there stood the two of them, smiles wide with no cares in the world. thanos wishes he would go back to that. he placed that picture ontop of the cross. leaning over, he placed a soft kiss against nam-gyu's lips, savouring the taste of them.
he knew he had to go now, the sun was starting to rise and he couldnt handle seeing nam-gyu's sad eyes as he walked out.
he climbed out the window, going down the same way he went up. his vision was blurry, he wasnt sure where he was going. but all he knew was that he had to go somewhere far away, away from his dad, away from this town, away from everyone. but not nam-gyu. he wants to be with nam-gyu, but he cant.
nam-gyu wakes up to a cold bed, replaying what had happened the night before. he noticed the cross sitting there, he opened it up and read the note.
he held the note tight against his heart, tears coming out faster than he could ever imagain.
thanos loved him, su-bong loved him, but he couldnt be with him.
nam-gyu would do anything for thanos, but he never thought it would mean letting him go.
nam-gyu loved su-bong
su-bong loved nam-gyu
but yet they couldnt be together
that day, all light from nam-gyu disappeared. his other half had disappeared. he needed thanos, but he couldnt have him
nam-gyu loved su-bong
su-bong loved nam-gyu