Chapter Text
I sat there, looking at my mary janes that were a little too tight on me, actually, as everyone at the table talked. Cici ate a ham sandwich and pickle, which made her make these smacking, slick sounds as she chewed, which in turn made my throat lurch every now and again. Aiden, who sat next to me, had a tray full of fries, a huge baked potato in the corner, and a slice of pizza. I thought about the inevitable, and highly expected, text from him that Ruben would receive and decided to show me this afternoon about Aiden almost passing out during football practice from his self-imposed malnutrition.
Everybody was talking, while chewing. And the overlapping pandemonium of jaw clicking and slick, snapping, smacking of tongue and teeth against pulpy, mushy food made my ears shake from the inside. I had to step away.
I got up, silently, hoping that I could slip away without anyone saying anything. Of course, they’d notice, but as long as no one called attention to it.
“May, you’re going?” asked Ava. She didn’t sound too sad about my departure. In fact, she sounded a little giddy. I glanced at Ruben and then glanced back down at my shoes.
“Yeah, I’m going. I need to get some work done,” I lied, pulling the sleeves of my shirt down my wrist, even though the sleeves were long and already touching my wrists. It wasn’t a complete lie, however. I did have statistics homework to do. And I needed to do some reading for AP Literature. I felt my eyes get heavy and decided to head to a secluded place that I’d found on the second floor of the building a couple weeks ago.
“You didn’t even eat anything,” Ruben pointed out. He looked a little concerned as he reached out for my hand. Our hands met, briefly, shyly, our fingers doing a slight dance with each other before I pulled my hand back.
“I’m not that hungry and lunch was ass.”
“It’s not that bad,” Aiden retorted, mouth stuffed full of fries. I’m surprised I was able to make out what he said.
“Okay, well, I’ll see you after classes? I’m driving us back, right?” I nodded at Ruben, smiling in a tight-lipped line. “Okay, great. I’ll see you.”
“Yeah,” I said. I turned, feeling a little warm. But not because of the temperature inside, or because I was getting sick or anything. I felt a warm anger wash over my insides, inflaming my gut and setting fire to my shoulder. Then, my hair felt hot, and my cheeks, and my forehead and nose, and the back of my neck became sweaty. I had to get out of the lunch room. This sort of feeling happened a lot more often than I wanted, and a lot more often than it should. Was it jealousy? No. Embarrassment? No, not really. Was it actually even anger? I don’t think so. No, not really. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I pulled my headphones back up over my ears and walked out the cafeteria.
I put on my best faux-friendly, tight-lipped smile as I passed teachers whose classes I never spoke in and people who were friend-adjacent and hung out with Ava, or Cici, or Aiden, or Ruben. My eyelids felt heavy and cool. I listened to Writer in the Dark, Lorde’s voice replaying over and over in my ears and the chord progression pounding in my head. I needed to sit down.
Eventually, I found the nook, huffing as I slung my book bag off my shoulder and slumped down. There were no chairs or anything. Just coarse, grey carpet whose edge kissed the edge of the eggshell cinder block wall. I shut my eyes, not expecting to actually fall asleep. Statistics homework and AP Lit reading could wait. I needed some shut-eye before facing my economics class.