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12.05.86
Dear Eddy,
I’m writing to let you know I arrived safely at the hotel, I checked in a couple hours ago and I’ve been unpacking. When I got here, one of the bell boys helping with my bags asked if you would be joining me, and I explained that you wouldn’t, because of how busy you are with the warehouse at the moment, you do work ever so hard. This will be my first holiday without you, I do wish you could be here. I have the room for a fortnight, I think you’d like it, it’s big, and quiet. So quiet. Not a peaceful, tranquil quiet, but a cold, loud silence, all the time, it’s like white noise blaring, it’s deafening, and I dont know how to make it stop. Even though youre not here, I brought your suitcase with me. It’s still packed from the last time we were here together. The last time. I haven’t taken your clothes out, I couldn’t bare to look at them. But sometimes, I do think about opening it, I wonder if the clothes inside would still smell like you, they’re the only ones that havent been washed since you. Matthew and Nicola are staying with a friend, they keep asking when you’re coming back and I don’t know what to say. Because to tell them, the truth, would mean I’d have to say it out loud, and I havent done that yet, I can’t do that yet. Not yet. Anyway, it’s getting late, so I think I’m going to try and get some sleep. Good night, Eddy, I miss you.
Judee
~
Dear Eddy,
It’s the same night. I tried to sleep, but the bed is so cold, I’m not used to it. I’ll never be used to it. As I’m writing this, I’m looking out of the window, I don’t know what time it is, I didnt check. It’s dark. I’m looking at the stars, I do that a lot when I can’t sleep. I like to think, maybe, some of the stars I can see now, might be the same stars you and I once saw together. That would be nice, if they were the same stars. We saw a shooting star together once, I don’t remember what we wished for. I know what I would wish for now, it wouldn’t come true though. The world has looked so dull since I saw you last, like you took all the colour with you. I’m so tired. I can never sleep, but that wouldn’t help anyway. I dont need sleep, I just need you. I need to hear your voice, and your laugh, I hear it in my head but it isn’t the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I just feel so heavy, like I’m being pulled down to the earth all the time. Maybe life has always been this heavy, and I just didn’t notice it when I was with you. I think your love lifted me, without it I’m sinking. Because now, I only have my love for you, and it just keeps building, and building, because it has nowhere to go, and it’s weighing me down. I think I might stay here at the window a little while longer. I’ll write to you again in the morning, maybe I’ll feel better then. Good night, Eddy, I love you.
Judee