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Adam squeezes the wheel tighter, the red of the stoplight illuminating the bruises on his knuckles as he forces himself to stare down at them. Anything. Anything to avoid looking at Morgan's shaky hand holding their bag of takeout food in her lap. If he looks, he's reaching over to grab her hand and interlocking their fingers together to stop her trembling.
The words had been stuck in his throat ever since she busted the lock on the old cellar he was found in that afternoon. I'm okay. I'm fine. You saved me. How could I calm the fear in your head? had been lodged in his chest with no escape ever since she threw his arms around him in a strong, almost too intense, embrace that landed her sideways in his lap as he sat bound to a chair.
He was barely gone for less than six hours but from the look on her face - the furrowed brow, teary eyes, and strong hands gripping his sore shoulders in place so she could glance him over without him moving and the simple fact that she was on his lap - told him that the ransom letter Drew Cooper left on his partner's desk that morning was more dark than he imagined.
Did they spend the day thinking he was dead?
She wouldn't tell him. Morgan had been a nervous, anxious, avoidant mess ever since they returned back to the precinct for debrief. All she asked him in the moment was if he was okay to stand and if anything hurt terribly enough to go to the hospital in which he shook his head and replied a definite no. He couldn't even hold her back because his arms were tied behind his back and it was all he wanted after a day from hell. He was just sore from a few punches - one that ultimately knocked him out - achy, and bleeding from a cut down his forearm from a knife swipe. He was fine.
He wanted to go home after changing into his spare clothes and luckily once he made that clear, his team left him alone. Sure, he hoped she would've stayed behind for him to say goodnight but the bullpen was empty when he began making his way to the bathroom. It wasn't until he made his way back out, hair freshly washed and bloody shirt bundled in his hands, that he sees her sitting on his desk with his jacket and sachel in her arms.
She's distracted by the clay elephant next to his phone which left him an aching moment to admire her from afar. Letting out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding, accompanied by the twinge of pain he feels in his ribs at a result, Adam walks over to her slowly so she knows he's back.
He has to force himself to keep up his pace when she looks up and sees him. He sees her for the first time all day - studies the way her jaw tenses and how the edges of her eyes crinkle when she forces herself to smile and fails. It takes all of his strength to bury the urge to bring her into a hug and hold her just as tight as she held him earlier.
He'd been doing it a lot lately. Burying urges to do something about the fact that he's fallen in love with her.
"I thought you left." He says, voice barely above a whisper. It echoes in the empty space surrounding them. Something in his heart breaks at the sight of her clutching onto his jacket just a little tighter at the assumption. "This place was empty before I went in to change."
She ducks her head, “I went to change into something more comfortable.” For the first time, he notices a difference in her outfit when he looks her up and down. "I didn't want to waste time later."
Instead of the purple shirt and black jeans she adorned earlier, she was in one of her familiar lounge sets. A dark grey cotton sweat outfit with a hoodie that's way too big for her.
She's always been a beautiful woman in his eyes but as they've gotten close over the years, he's grown quite fond of her in comfort clothes outside of work. That’s when she looks her prettiest, he thinks. It took him a while to warm up to knocking that wall down within himself to sit with someone on a sofa, put a show on, and bask in the comfort of company. Especially her company. Once that wall was knocked down, he was a goner. He wanted Morgan around him every moment she wasn’t with him.
“Later?” He raises a brow, smiling something soft. Did she have plans?
That gets him a grin from her. She stands and outstretches her arms to hand over his jacket and bag. “It sounds like you forgot. It’s Wednesday and—“ Oh. He watches as she tries to look anywhere but him, pulling his jacket back to her while he stares. He had frozen right along with her. How could he forget what today is? “If you want a rain check for dinner, I’ll go home and hope you forgot I even asked, just to make that clear but I’m starving and I could only imagine how you’re feeling and—“
He doesn’t expect her to stop talking as he steps closer to her, hands reaching out to gently grab and reach for his belongings that she has clutched to her chest but she’s stuck in place when he takes the first move.
His heart feels like it’s beating too fast in his chest as she stares up at him with her ocean blue eyes slightly covered by chestnut colored bangs — a new change she decided to make during New Years last month — with her lower lip caught between her teeth. He hurts all over again at the tired lines crinkling around her eyes.
They had been exhausted on the job before. More often than not. Actually, if he thought about it long enough, he’s probably only had a true good night’s sleep on a dozen of occasions in his entire career in the last ten years. But that was him. No matter how strong and intelligent Morgan was on a daily basis, he always tried to make sure the burden of the job fell on him. She had a family to go home to and as much as she wanted to share it with him, he wanted to hold as much of the emotional burden as he could from her.
Knowing she had spent a day in anxiety and fear over losing someone she loved — a fear she knew well over her ex Roman — had tugged at something deep in his chest. He wanted to sooth her worry the second he’d seen her unlatch the door to his cellar.
He takes a breath, “If you’re buying, I could go for dinner.” Everything feels so fuzzy, as childlike as that sounds, the longer they stay this close to each other. She’s looking at him in something like awe and Adam feels like his world is about to crumble to his feet. “You’re alright with Fang’s?”
She nods, unable to take her eyes off him.
“Are you kidding? That’s a hard yes.” Morgan tries to scoff but it comes off as more of a wince, “Of course. I’ll be paying for it.
He huffs out a tired laugh, “I won’t try to convince you otherwise.”
“It’s the least I could do.” She hides her eyes from him as she stands, handing over his belongings with a pass that brushes their fingers together. “Are you ready?”
She pretends it hadn’t happened. She pulls her hands back as if the touch hurts her.
Adam wishes he had the courage to tell her she didn’t need to pretend like everything’s okay after the day they’ve had.
He knows she’s cold. That’s the thing. She has her hands tucked under her legs as she sits sideways on his sofa, a carton of shrimp fried rice long forgotten in her lap as she stares ahead at '50 First Dates' playing on the television.
There’s a blanket on his lap, a thick blue knitted one that his grandmother gave him in his 20s - he had made sure to keep it out in the living room once he realized Morgan enjoyed using it on a stormy night months ago - and he’s close to driving himself up the wall in wondering why she doesn’t want to get close to him.
For the past two years, they tried to keep a routine of spending time together after work on the Wednesday of each week. Besides the rare occasions of overtime or school performances, they’ve managed to keep to it. They’d eat their chicken wings, noodles, and rice at the table until they got full. Then they’d bring the leftover rice to the sofa to share, pick a movie on Netflix, grab the blue blanket that she’d nicknamed Bluey all because of her toddler daughter Chloe’s obsession with the show, and sit shoulder to shoulder with the blanket covering their laps to keep warm as they watched the movie.
It was three hours of the week where they left work at the door. Even if she was upset with him, she’d take the blanket if he offered.
Tonight...tonight was off. Different in a way he hated.
Instead of agreeing to share Bluey after an already distant and quiet conversation over dinner, Morgan had sprawled on the opposite end of his large corner sectional on the other big seat across from him. With her hands tucked under her legs. Telling him without words, maybe unconsciously, that she was cold.
A problem she could easily fix if she wasn’t afraid to get closer to him.
God.
“Morgan?”
She doesn’t even move to acknowledge him, “Hm?”
“Are you cold?”
He moves slowly to twist his upper body to face her, his ribs protesting slightly with an ache he can’t ignore. His face must betray him because she reaches for the remote to pause the movie. “Do you need more Advil? I’ll get it for you-”“ She stands and rounds the sofa to walk toward his bathroom, and he doesn’t know why he does it - maybe it’s because she’s walking too far away from him or that she didn’t answer his question or both - but he can’t stand the awkwardness anymore.
All the distance. The quiet. He can’t take it from her.
“Morgan, stop.” Adam peels the blanket from his legs with a sharp grab, ignoring the pain shooting up his side as he gets up to follow her. “Will you come back here?"
Her footsteps come to a halt. He must’ve made a certain noise when trying to stand once he got up, Morgan’s in front of him with her hands outstretched as if she was going to reach for him a second later before he stood.
“You’re gonna hurt yourself..." She reprimands him with such a stern tone, he almost listens to her. Straightening up once he’s upright and stable, Morgan keeps her arms at her side now that they're eye level. “Are you okay?”
He really hates that question. Why is she pulling away from him?
“You’re distant with me.” Adam crossed his arms, unsure with what to do with them. ‘Why?”
“You’re injured.”
She won’t meet his eye yet. She’s afraid to look at him even when he’s only a foot in front of her. "Isn't that reason enough?"
“Did I get misdiagnosed and somehow my meds are masking the pain?” He stressed further, running a hand through his short curls at the top of his head as she scoffs out a harsh laugh. “Are you afraid of breaking me while sitting beside me? What’s the matter with you?"
“There is no problem!” Morgan cut him off, pacing a few steps backward so they had distance between them. “We’re perfectly fine.”
“We’re not." He says pointedly. "Why?”
“Adam, drop it. There’s nothing to be worried about.”
“You’re not telling me what’s bothering you and as your partner, I-” He lets the words trail off, stopping himself from scaring her from being honest with him. He just wants the truth. “I just wanna know what’s wrong here.”
“All this because I won’t sit next to you?”
“There’s more to it!”
“You’re acting childish.” Morgan snaps at him suddenly, eyes harsh and arms unmoving. He winced at the force of her words but she didn’t seem to notice. “But I think that’s the theme for today when it comes to you, isn't it?" She steps away from him and heads toward his dining room, hand roughly wiping at her face as if she’s wiping tears away that hadn’t fallen yet. “You got kidnapped today and don’t seem to care about what other people went through!"
His sudden burst of frustration overwhelms that feeling of worrying over making her cry. “I don’t care?” He rounds the couch to face her when he realizes she had turned her back to him, voice sharp and unwavering. “I couldn’t let my fear get the best of me. Do you wanna hear about how terrifying it is to get kidnapped?" She looks down to the floor once he’s close enough to stop once their feet touch. “I had to fight cause I knew you guys were trying to find me. As soon as you pulled that door open, I knew I would be safe. I don’t need to relive any of that once I’m safe.”
“What about me, huh?” Morgan looks up as emotions get the best of her, meeting his eye for the first time since she fell in his lap hours ago. The fear is shining in her gaze, sadness evident in the way her lower lip trembles as she finds the strength to speak. “How do I stop reliving that moment I walked into work and saw everyone freaking out because you were gone overnight? How do I cope with the fact that you’re in front of me saying you’re fine with what happened to you today when I feel like my...“ She stops herself once tears fill her eyes, blinking harshly. “My..." She isn't able to continue once the tears fall.
"Morgan.." Adam called out in a low voice, “I’m okay. I’m right here.” All frustration gone and replaced with understanding. With something he’d only ever describe as longing to hold her close and make sure she knew how much he cared about her.
He goes to reach for her arm to pull her close but what happened next came in such a blur that he feels like everything had turned for the worst in a blink.
“I should go.” Morgan tells him, looking around the room and rushing toward her coat and purse she had left at the dining table. "I need to go."
“Morgan?” He follows and rushes to catch up to her, ‘Woah. Woah. What are you doing?”
“The kids...” She began, slipping her arms through the sleeves. The tears in her eyes still haven’t fallen and it makes her eyes look all unfocused. When she wipes at her face, he feels something in his chest crack apart at the sight. He knew what her kids were doing tonight - they should be peacefully sleeping in Ludo's house right now. She just didn't want to stay here with him. “Ava had an art showcase today and I should see it before she goes to bed. I should-"
"The kids are at Ludo's. You know better than to wake them up."
She's still moving to gather her things and Adam snaps into focus. She isn't leaving until she's honest with him and confesses why she can't stand the sight of him by her side. In all honesty, he just wants her to take a moment and breathe.
He reaches her so fast he isn’t even sure if he blinked in the five feet he moved to get to her. He’s spent three years with Morgan as his partner. He knows her better than he knows himself sometimes, especially when her emotions get the best of her. He’s seen her work through anxiety attacks, knows exactly what to do when there’s too many words in her brain to form a sentence together. He knows how to soothe that scrunch between her brows when she’s worried and stressed. In that moment, he hates that he’s the one making her feel that way.
Adam, with careful fingers, reaches for her purse to set back on the table. When he doesn’t get a shove to the chest in retaliation, he knows he’s doing the right thing here. He hears her take a deep breath once their fingers graze together - a sign that she’s wanted to feel him as much as he’s wanted to assure her that he’s okay so he uses the same hand to grab at her waist.
“Stay.” He whispers to her, urging her with a pull to turn sideways and face him. “You know you don’t have to go anywhere.” He uses the last bit of courage he withheld for the day and uses his other hand to turn her head up to look at him. Holding her cheek with a warm hand, he forces himself to breathe through the the teary eyes looking back up at him. “No more cutting each other off. What do you have to say to me?”
Morgan looks so small in her oversized hoodie that it makes his heart hurt worse because to him right now, she isn’t a colleague who almost lost her partner today. She looks like his best friend who he gets to have weekly dinners with who was afraid of losing him today.
He doesn’t need to look down to feel her shaky hands gripping onto his sweatshirt pocket. He doesn’t dare breathe when she tugs on it either, bringing them inches closer. If she needs this closeness from him, he’ll let her take it.
“You want the truth?” She asks him.
He nods, captivated by her shiny blue eyes. She still looks nervous about something and it's impossible not to worry about her confession. He wants to know everything she wants to tell him.
“I felt like my heart got ripped out of my chest today when I realized you were gone.” Morgan confessed, taking a deep breath before letting her head fall forward to rest against his shoulder. On her next breath, he wraps an arm fully around her back to pull her close. She shivers and he stills when he realizes she’s started crying. “I felt like I couldn’t breathe until you were okay. That’s why I’m upset that you didn’t react once you got back to the precinct. I feel like an idiot-" She tries to smile the embarrassment away but he feels her cheeks blush under his palm. He shakes his head in disagreement as she continues, “-I feel like the one that’s overreacting here and nothing happened to me. You’re in front of me and I still don’t feel like myself, like I’ve got a million voices in my head telling me this isn’t real and somehow I’ll go into work tomorrow and see you missing again.”
“I’ve got you, Morgan. I’m here with you.” He assures her gently as her body trembles against his chest, purposefully (and blissfully) ignorant to the way his ribs ache when she hugs him right back. "Don't worry about that anymore."
“It’s so exhausting to handle right now.” She confesses to him, hiding her face in his neck as she speaks. “My brain won’t shut off. It keeps screaming over and over that I need to find you and..."
“What does your heart tell you?” Adam asks her lowly, hand sneaking under her hood to grasp her neck and gently tilt her up.
“What?” She looks taken back.
“Right now...” He began, “What does your heart tell you about me right now?”
Adam has never been a wishing man. He wasn’t the type to look upon a star passing in the sky or brush an eyelash off his cheek in the morning and ask for a wish to come true. He’s lucky to still have his parents and sister with him. He’s got a family that loves him. He’s wished for superficial things like a Dodger win at a World Series when they’ve fought to push to a Game Six. He wished that his nephews arrived safely in the world. But, for love? He’s never been strong enough to wish for that and that’s how his last relationship got ruined right under his nose.
Here in this moment with a woman who stumbled into his life unexpectedly three years ago who he happened to fall in love with - Adam wishes that Morgan reciprocates his show of courage and tells him what he asks to hear from her mouth. From her heart.
He’s wishing for love.
Morgan looks up at him, eyes wide and blue as ever through her tears, and he watches as the tension in her brow disappears. She’s not confused, he knows that. He was clear in his instruction. She was stuck holding her breath as she navigates her words carefully.
“My heart?” She repeats in a whisper only for him to hear and he nods, unable to look away from her. “You wanna know what my heart feels for you?”
He loses his ability to breathe at the feel of one of her hands retracting from his back to move up his chest. He doesn’t move once she settles to rest her palm right above his pec, right where his heart would be.
“Will you tell me?" Adam inhales sharply, all of his attention focused on the weight of her hand on his chest. “Are you afraid I’ll disappear if I let go of you?”
She bites down on her lip to stop herself from shaking. There’s a new wave of tears blossoming in her eyes and he’s stronger than ever in looking directly into them. His hand trails up to caress her cheek and god, he’s certain she could feel the way his own heart is beating rapidly under her palm. She’s warm and kind and unbelievably caring toward those she loves and he can’t believe he gets to hold her like this.
“No.” Morgan replied. “I’m not.”
“Afraid I’ll turn you away when all I’ve wanted to do since you opened that cellar and fell into my lap crying over me was to hold you until those million and one worries disappeared?”
Her next breath turning into a relieved sigh as a tear slipped past to roll down her cheek was enough of a push for tears to start forming in his eyes too. She had probably hoped, just like him, that he wanted to hold her just as badly as she wanted to be held by him and it’s such a freeing release in his chest to chase that feeling that he feels like his knees could give out.
Morgan shakes her head, leaning into his touch against her cheek. “Not afraid...”
“What is it?”
What’s keeping her from taking the leap of faith with him?
“I want that...” She confesses in a whisper, the hand on his heart turning into a fist of bunching his shirt in her grasp. “I’ve wanted to be with you for such a long time that the moment that chance to be together got ripped away from me, I knew that it was serious. That my heart was serious about you. I don’t want you to let go of me, Adam. That’s the truth. I could do it, the whole being alone without a partner for as long as you or the universe needs me to so we could breathe on a regular day, but I couldn’t breathe knowing you were missing today. I need you here with me. I want you with me. I don’t want distance. Not now. Not tomorrow. Or ever—“
It’s a smooth and quick move of his hand to bring her mouth to meet his for the first time. Just come here. Adam wanted to say it aloud before he kissed her as a warning but he was unable to speak before acting on the impulse. His heart was beating loudly in his ears and his joy of the moment is evident in the smile he wears when their lips glide together for the first few seconds of the kiss. The arm he has around her back tugs her to his chest and he realizes he could kiss her forever at the sound of a sigh leaving her lips as his thumb brushes hard against her cheek to tilt her head a little sideways to match his slow pace. The feeling of her softening her grip on his shirt in initial surprise only for her to grip on tighter once the shock wore off made his head begin to spin.
Adam goes a hesitant step further to lean her against his dining table, chasing her lips as she moves to wrap both of her arms around his neck. She’s trusting him to keep her close and upright and he cherishes that responsibility in the moment - making sure she’s pressed up against him before deciding to swipe his tongue along her lower lip and pull away barely an inch from her so they could take a breath. The gasp that escapes her is small but makes his body warm from the inside out. Her hands scratch at the nape of his neck and he doesn’t hold back the shiver at the feeling. If she won’t move away from him then he won’t dare put any space between them.
“You had to know that I felt the same way, right?” Adam whispered to her, taking a hand and gently rubbing against her back. “I’ve loved you for a long time now. I’m in love with you. Tell me you know that, Morgan.”
He’s drawn to the way she licked her lips before speaking, eyes narrow and glassy. “I was hoping..."
Adam doesn’t want to kiss her again until he gets what he has to say off his chest so he settles for brushing his nose against hers, loosening his hold on her as her eyes flutter closed. “I don’t want to lose you either, Morgan. It’ll ruin me too. I would’ve acted the same way if it was you in the chair today. The only..." She leans forward and presses a kiss against the corner of his mouth, and his breath shakes on the next sentence. “The only time I didn’t feel scared today was when you unlocked the door. You brought me home. You saved me.”
When Morgan opens her eyes, she’s crying again. Only this time, he’s given her permission to hold his face and brush her fingers against his stubble. She traces the cut along his forehead with her pointer finger and she smiles at him while she does it.
“I love you.” She nods along with him, taking a deep breath before pulling him in for another real kiss.
Adam doesn’t let the tears fall but he does let his heart expand and open. He lets her love wash over and hold onto him.
“I love you too.” He diverts her lips for only a second, choosing instead to tilt his head upward and press his lips against her forehead. Morgan melts into him, hands moving to rub his shoulders, and he....god, Adam smiles against her skin. "How's your head, honey?"
When he glances down at her, he feels her eyelashes flutter and slightly tickle against his cheek as her eyes shut closed. If she had a problem with the nickname, she'd tell him. He'd call her honey as many times as she liked from here on out if she liked it coming out of his mouth. He's sure she'll tell him what she thinks later. She looked so peaceful in his arms like an early sun rise or a warm bed after being out in the cold and Adam can't help but brush his fingers against her pulse in the crook of her neck. It was slowing down, almost as if she was falling asleep right here pressed against him in his dining room. Morgan hums in content, leaning further into him. "It's better. Good. Quiet."
He doesn't need to say anything in response. All he hopes is that he's able to quiet her worries for the rest of their lives just as good as he's doing for her right now.