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The warmth, the passing caresses of bare skin on bare skin as they part, leaving strands of saliva behind. As ephemeral as those special moments shared together.
The back of his hand falls to the side of the pillow, and the fingers of his counterpart interlock desperately, squeezing tight, again and again. He has Shadow's legs straddling his pelvis, the friction of his legs with the outside Sonic's own is electric. The other hedgehog seems out of it, as if in a trance where he just bounces on Sonic, whimpering as if his life depended on it. Shadow’s mouth is so close to his neck; Sonic can feel the heat of his breath hitting his skin, warm and moist, sending shivers down his backbone.
The act alone does not cause him to feel this way. He's a teenager, and he had a room to himself for quite a while, what do you think was going to happen? He's no stranger to anything erotic, he's masturbated plenty of times—it's satisfying to a degree, and it serves him well for many things. To clear his mind, to relax, to release some tension. Sometimes it's more of a chore to keep his mind off his raging hormones than to feel good.
It's different when the other hedgehog is involved.
Shadow always looks ethereal like this. Above him, his muscles rippling with every movement deliciously, his fur wet with sweat, drool sliding down his chin and eyes hazy in pure hypnotic pleasure. He takes Sonic inside him as if it were the most important mission of his life, and the pressure the blue hedgehog feels on his cock is delightful, it would be painful if it didn't feel so good.
Heat builds in his lower belly, and Sonic has to release Shadow's grip to place his hands on the other hedgehog's waist: a tacit warning born of habit. He's going to cum soon, and Shadow doesn't seem to want to stop. On the contrary, the ever-so-stubborn hedgehog takes it as a challenge and increases his pace, sinking fully into Sonic and only lifting his hips the slightest bit to keep the motion going. His eyes roll to the back of his head and he has to close them. It's too much. Shadow is too much.
“Shadow, I-”
“Inside.” Shadow croaks out between gasps, and the lust-filled desperation in his voice triggers things in Sonic that he can't say out loud. If his chest were to be ripped open, his heart would shoot out from how fast it's beating, “Do it inside.”
That wouldn't be a good decision, and Sonic knows it.
But he hasn't made good decisions for a while now.
—
“I don't want you to leave.” He admits, his voice more shaky than he is able to control. “Don't leave.”
—
“Boop.”
Sonic blinks, flinching and causing Tails to squeal in response to his reaction, pulling his arm away as if he's been burned. Sonic places a hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat throb against his palm. Breathing rapidly, he frowns and cries, “And what was that for?!”
Tails smiles with arched eyebrows, at least deigning to feign guilt.
“I'm sorry!” He isn't. Not really. “You were too distracted, I thought I might scare you but I didn't think that much.”
Sonic exhales, and reverts to staring out the window. It's dramatic by design—it's an excellent day outside, the weather nice and the sky clear. He could step out for a walk at any time. It doesn't match the mood, however. He rests an elbow on the sill, and lays his cheek on his open hand, surveying the horizon with an air of melancholy that doesn't escape the fox's attention.
Tails clears his throat, out of discomfort and to try to get his attention equally, but Sonic just sighs again. The fox approaches the window seat, and props both elbows on the cushions, cupping his hands and resting his muzzle on them. The younger fox casts his gaze up at the blue sky; the same sky Sonic flew through not so long ago with…
His chest squeezes.
“You've been awfully quiet lately,” Tails points out, and Sonic just hums in response, confirming his suspicions.
Sonic is what one might call a 'chronic yapper'. He can't keep his mouth shut for dear life. He guesses that living in isolation for so long takes its toll—no matter how long he spends living in a home that has gradually grown bigger and bigger. Even when he's not feeling his best, he always finds something to say.
This time is different.
“Is it because of what happened...?”
“Who is your master, fox? Who sent you to interrogate me?” Sonic says, mimicking Knuckles' archaic, serious accent. That gets a chuckle out of Tails, but doesn't entirely distract him. They finally connect their eyes, and Tails arches his eyebrows in concern.
“Okay, you got me. We're all worried about you, but they thought it was a good idea for me to come talk to you.”
Sonic snorts somewhat ruefully, “Why? Because you're adorable?”
“Partially. It was either me or Ozzy, but Ozzy's way of approaching this would've been...” As if summoned, the family dog barks and runs up to them. He specifically climbs up on Sonic's legs, and starts licking his chin as the hedgehog giggles softly, “...a little more gooey, if you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I get the idea.” For the umpteenth time that day, Sonic sighs. Ozzy lays his head on his thigh, and Sonic nuzzles between the dog's ears. His smile fades. “I don't even know why I feel so sad. I mean-! Robotnik is gone, and for good this time! Maybe it's because he went all Tony Stark in the end and sacrificed himself to save us all and do the right thing. But I don't know-”
He pauses. Unable to continue.
Tails climbs into the seat, sitting across from the hedgehog. He crosses his legs and leans forward. Very carefully he asks, “What about Shadow?”
Sonic closes his eyes.
“What can I say about him? We- I mean- I don't think it matters, y’know? 'Cause he hated my guts and he spent most of the time wanting to blow my teeth out of my mouth.” He explains hurriedly, trying to put some order to his thoughts that sometimes seem to run faster than he does, “We fought side by side at the end and that made me very happy, but Shadow made his decision and... Who am I to judge? Besides, he's not-”
He's not alive anymore. The explosion claimed Shadow forever.
Sonic returns his gaze to the sky. Even though it's daylight, the aftermath of the Eclipse Cannon’s explosion can still be seen. The wreckage is like meteorites in stasis, perpetually floating in Earth's orbit and adorning the clouds. They are like an everlasting reminder.
“I think it matters,” Tails interrupts, taking his hand and squeezing it lightly, “Because it matters to you.”
Sonic bites his lip and ducks his head in shame.
“I shouldn't care.”
Maybe that's the crux of the matter—once upon a time, Robotnik tried to steal the people he loves the most from him (despite never being successful), and Shadow almost murdered Tom. Also, he didn't lie. He didn't know Shadow for very long, but he's pretty sure 80% of that time was spent fighting, trying to beat the crap out of each other. The black hedgehog just wanted to be left alone, Sonic didn't listen and from there, an enmity grew out of sheer insistence. Their alliance was negligible compared to the moments that were not so pleasant.
One thing he learned from breaking his oath is that no matter how right your intentions are and how much pain clouds your judgment, consequences must be adhered to. Knuckles was nice enough, but he has a cast-iron adamancy, insisting that Sonic has to prove that he's learned by his actions. He's not quite sure what that means currently, but he knows that the right time will come eventually. It's a matter of time before he gets his chance to prove it.
Shadow no longer has that benefit.
Did his last act speak completely for him? Is it enough to forgive him for almost taking Sonic's family away from him again?
Perhaps these are questions that are no longer worth asking. Once again, Shadow is no longer here to defend himself.
“Maybe you shouldn't,” Tails concedes, rubbing his neck, “But you still do it, don't you?”
Sonic inhales deeply through his mouth, “I just need time to process what happened.”
—
“Even this wasn't enough.” The other hedgehog sobs, unable to control the tears sliding down his cheeks, “What else do I need to do to feel complete?”
—
Maybe the problem is that he couldn't save them, he reasons as he pops a handful of popcorn into his mouth. Tails and Knuckles are in the middle of a competition of who can collect the most branches for the campfire, and once his eyes land on the fox he can't help but overthink it.
Once the idea hits his mind, he can't help but ponder it, to kick it around; to imagine the possible scenarios, the 'what ifs'. Maybe that's the crux of the matter, and not what he should care about: he could have done more.
Sonic was weak.
If he hadn't been weak, if he had withstood the power of the Master Emerald a little longer, could he have helped Shadow? The options seem to be either Sonic also dying with him, or the black hedgehog surviving the battle. Hell, that would include Robotnik as well. He could have helped both of them flee if they had been quicker at moving the Eclipse Cannon away.
“Guys! Let's play catch!” Maddie calls, and both Knuckles and Tails yell in celebration. Sonic turns to look at Tom, sitting next to him.
“You go ahead, bud. I can't really play with...” Tom cocks his head in the direction of his cast arm as he clicks his tongue, “You know.”
Sonic turns to look at Knuckles, Tails and Maddie. The latter two are reminding Knuckles that he should throw with less force because, if things keep going the way they're going, their entire budget will drain away buying new balls. The hedgehog is unable to count the number of times they have described it as 'their last ball'.
He considers joining them; playing catch with Tails and Knuckles has been among his favorite activities ever since they joined the family, no matter if the red echidna is a bit of a brute. Especially when they go camping. They don't get to do it that often, but considering everything that happened recently, Tom and Maddie decided that maybe they needed Vacations, Again. The second edition. The rematch.
“Nah, I'll pass.” Sonic snorts, throwing popcorn in Tom's face. The man grumbles, but doesn't seem too upset, “Someone's gotta keep you company.”
“Oz is keeping me company. Right, buddy?” Ozzy, in response, starts barking and panting, lapping at Tom's uncasted hand as Tom laughs at his dog friend, “I won't be left alone.”
Sonic's lips press into a line.
“I still want to stay.” He whispers as he lowers his head, and Tom finally seems to understand what's going on. The human smiles at him and plops back against his folding chair as he returns his attention to his family.
“Okay. I appreciate the company, kiddo.”
They quietly hang out, just observing the adventures of the other three: setting up the campfire, lighting it, and then placing sausages and marshmallows on branches to roast. Knuckles is already preparing an abhorrent abomination of sugar and more sugar.
“Sonic, Tom! Would you guys like a s'more? I can make them for you,” Tails asks as he approaches them. The younger boy rests both hands on Tom's handrest as he stands on his tiptoes, slightly bent over.
Tom pats Tails' shoulder a couple of times, thanking him, and Sonic smiles at him, though it arguably looks a bit forced considering the looks of dismay on their faces.
“Thanks, Tails. Maybe another time,” Sonic says stiffly, and Tails' ears flatten against his head.
“If you say so...” He returns his gaze to the human, smiling before running off in the direction of the campfire.
“Say, Sonic.” Tom finally breaks the ice, and Sonic swallows nervously, his throat dry, “You've been kind of...”
“Quiet?”
“Yeah. Kind of a lot, actually.” Tom confronts him. Sonic was already dreading this happening. He knows his attitude isn't normal at all.
Or well, normal for him.
He has faced hardships before. He has fought and almost lost his life, but nothing has taken away his spirits like what happened recently. Nothing has brought him down or pushed him into this reflective state, so engrossed in his own thoughts that he can't even articulate the things he wants to say.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tom offers, after noticing that Sonic has nothing to answer him, not like always.
Sonic readjusts in his seat, uncomfortable, “Tails already talked to me. And yes, he told me you guys sent him.”
Tom huffs, “I knew we had to send Ozzy.”
At least that gets a smile out of Sonic.
“I need to process things,” Sonic explains. Maybe the crux of the matter isn't that he's giving importance to people who shouldn't deserve it, or that he feels like he's failed a mission he was never given, “I just think I'm not good at dealing with others' death.”
—
“If we're going to do it, I want to... I want to show you how much you matter.”
—
It's the middle of the night. Everyone is asleep, or well, they should be. Sonic is wide awake, how could he not be after sneaking Shadow in? All because his big mouth can't close for a measly second.
“What now?” Shadow asks, crossing his arms, “Are all your plans this barebones?”
Sonic frowns, “Hey. I'm a great planner. My plans are the ones that end up saving the day every time.”
The black hedgehog doesn't seem to believe it for a second.
“Your two-step plan was to come here and then cross that bridge when we got there.” Shadow throws him in his face, and Sonic averts his eyes haughtily. He must admit that most of his plans usually end with an eloquent and cheeky 'we'll see', “Well then, we've arrived at that bridge. Are you going to cross it, or are you burning it?”
“I'm going to cross it.” He sentences with determination, taking Shadow's wrist firmly, “Are you coming with me, or are you going to stay on the other side?”
He doesn't reply, but somehow Sonic knows the answer.
He's not sure why Shadow agreed to all this. Is he going to complain? No, absolutely not. This is great, actually. Admittedly, he doesn't know anyone else like them, and Sonic's been sexually frustrated for a while now. Or emotionally. Who knows.
If he thinks about it, it's not like he lacks affection. He has the best family in the world, there's no competition. Tom, Maddie, Ozzy, Tails, and Knuckles. They've all been there for him, through thick and thin. They show him the way when he feels lost. It's been a long time since he's had to feel alone.
Maybe that's why he feels so guilty: he has everything he's ever wanted, and yet, there will be times when he can't help but feel that way.
Alone.
Shadow feels the same way; that must be why he agreed to this without much of a fight, without taking offense and threatening to obliterate Sonic’s jaw, because everything that comes out of his mouth is either a bad joke or the most annoying thing Shadow has ever heard and he’s tired of it.
It's the first time they're doing anything like this. Sonic chooses to hide in the laundry room because he doubts anyone will be around at this hour and it allows him to keep Ozzy out. Nothing against the dog, but it seriously makes him uncomfortable to think that he could see what they're about to do.
It's kind of decadent, but Sonic covered the floor with a dirty towel that Knuckles should wash tomorrow because he’s on cleaning duty. If he's already going to clean it, Sonic doesn't think it's a problem if he gets it a little dirtier.
Once he finishes arranging things, he notices Shadow, and he looks...
Frightened. Eyes so wide that they could pop out of their sockets. Sonic has never seen the other hedgehog like this before, it makes his heart feel tight.
“Listen, man, if you're not sure-” Shadow shuts him up by pressing his mouth to Sonic’s, and the blue hedgehog startles, stunned.
He's never kissed anyone before, and he doesn't think Shadow has either. The kiss is clumsy. Sloppy. It doesn't carry a rhythm or a form that can justify why this feels so good. It doesn't explain why his skin bristles when he feels Shadow's hands wrap around his neck, pressing against his chest and devouring his mouth with ravenous hunger. Their teeth clash, their tongues collide. The sounds are foul and wet but they are already causing a heat in his crotch that he can't ignore.
He places his hands on Shadow's back, and slides them delicately, tracing and memorizing every detail of his shoulder blade, the bumps of his spine, the softness of his silk-like fur. He can feel his counterpart's muscle contracting with the shivers of being touched in this way: ghostly friction, longing for more pressure and strength. The trajectory of his hands reaches up to Shadow's waist, and wraps around him, pressing him closer than before, drawing a moan from the other hedgehog that Sonic gladly welcomes.
He's pretty sure he shouldn't be doing this. This guy tried to kill him. He tried to kill Tails and Knuckles. He tried to wipe out the planet. He almost killed Tom. He gave Maddie the most horrible moment of her life because she had more than one scare, thinking her husband—the love of her life—wouldn't make it out of this.
But he saw something in Shadow that time, something he couldn't get out of his head. An understanding that Sonic shares with no one else. Not even with Knuckles, even though their stories are so similar: the thirst for power of two races that led to tragedy and two orphans as a result.
He can feel Shadow's breath speed up, crashing against his muzzle. The other hedgehog tangles his fingers in Sonic’s quills and pulls back towards him, causing them both to fall onto the towel the blue hedgehog had prepared for this.
Shadow breaks away. Shivering. Panting. Frantic. His eyes glisten with tears.
“Just do it,” A fleeting kiss. Two, three more. His eyes narrow, and he forces Sonic to lie on his chest.
His cheeks flush red with heat, the scent and feel of Shadow's arms around him making the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Somehow, it feels more intimate than those hungry, needy kisses.
They interlock, like a missing puzzle piece, completing it.
The beating of his heart— Shadow is still truly alive —rumbles in Sonic's ear. In this way, the black hedgehog's every word becomes his as well. Everything surrounds him; the slight way his voice breaks, hope and pain all at once.
“Make me forget.” Shadow tightens his grip on him, “Help me be reborn.”
—
“I don't want you to leave.” He admits, his voice more shaky than he is able to control. He doesn't know if the other notices, if he even cares.
It's a thorn in his chest, one he's never been able to get rid of no matter how many years go by. Sometimes he can ignore it, sometimes the thorn feels like a stake piercing his heart. Sometimes he pictures it all too vividly: a scenario where he loses everything again, where the family he's won and the love he's felt vanish like foam.
“Don't leave.”
—
“Ah, this is so relaxing,” Tom says as he settles the bait on the hook of his fishing rod.
Sonic wrinkles his nose, “Ew, I wouldn't say touching those things is relaxing, but look, Tom. Everyone can do what they want to do. You can relax with sardine smell, and I can relax with my bubble baths.”
Tom rolls his eyes, laughing and passing the rod to Sonic. He accepts it, and accurately casts the hook into the water. Surprisingly, this has become familiar, he's not exactly a fan of the water, and it's an activity that requires far too much patience; a gift Sonic does not possess despite his many other qualities.
“It's been a long time since we've done this, right?” Tom remarks, casting his own rod, “Just you and me, out in the middle of the lake while we fail to catch anything.”
Tom is still pretty weak. He can't do much physical exertion so he sticks to working at home, very rarely going to the station to take care of paperwork and other things that aren't really Sonic's business anyway.
All that, the fact that there is hardly any time and that they now have two more tenants, have prevented these quality moments between the two of them. He doesn't dislike that Knuckles and Tails are now part of the family—on the contrary, it's great—but it keeps them from finding the opportunity.
The human has recovered adequately enough, and one of the first things he opted to do was to spend some time with Sonic at the lake, albeit for a short while. He appreciates it quite a bit, he missed being able to spend time alone with Tom.
“So,” Tom draws his attention, and his ears twist in his direction, “You've been a little better, haven't you?”
Sonic snorts, “What you mean is that you guys haven't managed to shut me up anymore.”
“Yeah, but no,” Tom sneers with amusement, “You had us pretty worried, buddy.”
Sonic smiles sheepishly, “I could tell, but hey! I'm better than ever. You know how I am. If I get knocked down, I'll eventually get back on my feet.”
Tom looks pleased to hear it, but his face scrunches up sternly. His nerves at seeing him like this turn into a tingle in his neck, making it hard to breathe, “And there's nothing you want to tell me?”
“Um, not exactly? Is there... something you want me to tell you?” Sonic asks, playing dumb, and Tom sighs at his response.
“Listen, I feel like you're spending a lot of time away from home lately, aren't you?” Tom questions, and it causes his heart to sink to his stomach.
Guilt and anxiety make the words catch in his throat, he's unable to come up with some excuse, something to get him out of this one. Will he suspect he's visiting Shadow? Will he know what they're doing?
In fact, his fear of being discovered has taken on a new facet: if the government finds out that Shadow is still alive, what will they do to him? If Maddie and Tom, who have very good reasons for not liking him, find out, will they report him? Will they return him to that place where he’s been hurt so badly?
“I'm not scolding you, Sonic.”
Dammit, and he thought he was being sneaky, that no one was seeing the increase of his absence as odd. He patted himself on the back congratulating himself on a job well done.
He opens his mouth, but nothing compelling comes out, “Tom, I-”
“Let me finish, buddy.” Tom interrupts him, and Sonic closes his mouth, his eyebrows arching, “You know Maddie and I don't want to limit you, but I don't like you biting off more than you can chew.”
“I'm not going out looking for vigilante adventures, or anything like that,” He justifies, which significantly relaxes Tom, “We’ve been over that before. You've already killed my dreams of becoming Batman someday. Thanks a lot, by the way. Blue Justice is retired.”
“That makes me glad,” The human says, the sternness in his voice doesn't fade though his gaze softens, “You know, I think you're entitled to your own privacy. It's part of growing up, after all.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh-huh, and another thing that's part of growing up is the trust we give you,” Tom explains. He has that same smile whenever Tom is about to give Sonic a life lesson he will never forget. “You don't need to tell me what you're doing if you don't want to, but I trust you to know how to make the right choices.”
“Tom...” Sonic gasps, strangely moved at his words. In the end, Tom didn't tell him anything that would ruin his whole week with thoughts he can't stop, “Thank you.”
The human winks at him, and returns his gaze to the lake, “As long as no one gets hurt, everything will be fine.”
Tom doesn't notice, but it knocks his smile back down. Sonic bites the inside of his cheek.
Hopefully, no one will get hurt.
—
“I don't know if you'll ever be able to feel complete.”
—
Sonic just decided this is a night walk, did he know that when it started? No. Was that the initial intention? Not at all. He even doubts there was an initial intention to have left without warning anyone. They're all asleep in the tents, so he wouldn't have been able to say anything without waking them up either.
It's better that way. He needs to clear his head after... after such a relaxing day? After being surrounded by the people he loves the most, eating the foods he likes the most, doing the activities he enjoys the most?
He sighs, and places a hand on his head, rubbing lightly over his eye.
“Sonic, what the hell is wrong with you?” He asks himself. It's been so long since he's talked to himself. Sometimes he feels like his family would describe it as a bad habit; a reminder of all those years when he lived in a hole with no one to keep him company, “You really need to get a grip. What you're feeling isn't normal at all.”
“And what do you feel?” Sonic screeches loudly, jumping up and dropping to the ground to turn into a ball of spikes.
“Oh. I need to stop talking to myself, it's just an invitation for the ghosts in the forest to talk back to me!”
“I'm not...” The all-too-familiar voice responds.
Sonic breaks free and ends up splattered on the ground, looking up at the sky, at the stars peeking through the leaves and branches.
If he turns his head, he can see that ghost who answers him.
The other hedgehog visibly gulps, licking his lips before answering him with his brows slightly knit together, “I'm not a ghost. I'm not a monster.”
His eyes widen, and Sonic leans over to sit in one fluid motion. He opens his mouth, though only a thin noise comes out. He closes it again and repeats this process until he can say something, anything. Even if that's just calling his name, “Shadow...?”
“Hello.” Shadow utters, embarrassed, unable to meet his gaze.
“You-” Sonic hurries to his feet, in the blink of an eye invading Shadow's personal space. With erratic movements, he checks the other hedgehog's condition, surveying his arms, his legs, his back. He goes so far as to circle Shadow, though it seems to be making the black hedgehog both dizzy and frustrated at the same time, “You're still alive! How is that possible?”
Shadow doesn't answer, instead averting his eyes to the forest. Sonic cocks his head, curious, but decides not to press. Maybe Shadow doesn't know what happened either, but it doesn't matter! Something inside Sonic lightens, he feels so much relief. It's as if he can breathe for the first time after being submerged in a dense sea for hours on end without rest or escape. His mind celebrates as it shouts ‘ He's here! He didn't die!’
He didn't lose another person.
Shadow lifts one arm to rummage through his quills, and when he's done he holds out his open hand to Sonic. There are seven emeralds in his palm.
“I came here to give you back your magic rocks.” He says, barely whispering.
Sonic blinks, his eyes sparkling as he is strangely awed by Shadow's attitude. For some reason this way of moving, of talking, it makes him look so youthful, so small. More Sonic's age and not like a soul who's been suffering for decades on end.
“Thanks, dude. I, uh, I really appreciate it! Knux, Tails, and I are supposed to guard this gem with our lives, but look what happened to it, we lost it! We actually thought it was destroyed forever, and according to Knuckles, that's not such a tragedy. If it no longer exists, no one can take its power for evil purposes. Oh, by the way, did you know that this was actually a single emerald? It's like those spiders that explode when they give birth to their babies and-”
Sonic pauses, noticing that Shadow has raised an eyebrow at the relentless chatter.
He laughs in embarrassment.
“Sorry.”
“You talk a lot.” Shadow says matter-of-factly, the remark should be more insulting than it sounds, “You're a very strange individual.”
It's Sonic's turn to raise his eyebrow, “I'm a strange individual? You survived the explosion of a deadly weapon weighing hundreds of tons and lots and lots of accumulated energy.”
Shadow rolls his eyes, but Sonic can see a faint blush thanks to the moonlight. It's oddly cute, “Well, if you put it like that...”
Sonic smiles. There’s still a thing he doesn’t understand, “How did you find me, Shadow?”
“I can sense your chaos energy,” The other hedgehog explains with a shrug, and Sonic nods, “I've already fulfilled the goal I set, so now...”
The alarm spreading in his mind is faster than he is, settling before he can realize it. Does this mean Shadow is leaving? But he just got him back, just realized that he's not dead, he just-
“Shadow,” Sonic calls, ignoring the brain jumble and the thoughts spinning a thousand miles an hour, “Are you really leaving?”
Shadow's red eyes look apprehensive, like an unspoken apology, eyebrows arched and eyes strangely sincere for someone like him.
(His eyes were always quite sincere, about as open as Sonic had ever seen on anyone, anthropomorphic animal or not. The numbing pain was always clear, the heartbreak and his desire for revenge. How much he misses his own family, how much he cares. How much he regrets it. Shadow was always an open book, for the good, the bad, and the ugly).
“I don't think I should stay here.”
Before he can answer, Shadow blinks out of existence, and it's as if he's died yet again.
—
That's the problem with Shadow being as fast as him, he can't say anything to stop the other hedgehog. He sneaks through his window and Sonic takes too long to process it. He doesn't reason it out, he simply follows, jumping up and intercepting Shadow before he can leap off the roof to escape. With a lump in his throat, Sonic asks one last thing of him.
“I don't want you to leave.”
—
He didn't have anything planned tonight. As in, he just talked to Tom about trust and good decisions. Sneaking out at night to fool around with Shadow is not a good decision. Sneaking him home without anyone's prior knowledge it’s not a good decision, with how taboo it has become to utter his name.
When Sonic does good things, when he makes the right choice, he will know it in his heart. That same teaching was what drove Shadow to save the world.
From the beginning, Sonic suspected it wasn’t the right choice. From the moment he and Shadow became one, he knew he was just getting started and they had already gone too far. But, even if his heart knows, his logical mind can’t figure out why.
(He should have known that feeling complete would only be momentary, and by the time they were done, there would be nothing left of the two of them. Just an emptiness that's hard to fill.)
He doesn’t try to reason it further because it feels too good. Shadow gives him everything, lets Sonic do anything to him because he only wants one thing from the blue hedgehog: if only for a moment, Sonic can help him forget about everything around him. Of his pain, his sorrow, the unfortunate consequences that surround him and everything he ever lost.
“Shadow, out here? What if someone finds us?”
Sonic has to deal with Shadow seeking sex from him every few nights. That’s okay, but he really needs something else to do. The blue hedgehog suspects it’s because Shadow doesn’t actually have a place to stay the night, so obviously he doesn’t sleep. Why else would it be?
Shadow rolls his eyes, and goes back to licking his pouched bulk. Sonic hisses, closing his eyes because of course Shadow is going to be motivated by his reaction. This freak is always like this; Sonic screams, or reacts in a way that excites the other hedgehog, and forget about it. The only thing he wants to focus on is driving Sonic insane.
Shadow continues to lick relentlessly, Sonic has to cover his mouth so his pathetic moans won't be heard by anyone inside the house. It feels amazing, and yet it's too much. He tries to close his legs, but Shadow resists. His hands on the blue hedgehog's knees apply more leverage to spread his legs apart, somehow leaving him even more exposed. It takes no time at all for his member to spring out of its hiding place, and Shadow looks quite pleased.
“The houses in this town are meters apart,” Shadow reasons, wrapping his fist around Sonic's dick. He hisses again, and hates how satisfied Shadow looks every time, “No one is going to find us here.”
“What if my family comes out and finds us?”
Shadow stops the swaying of his hand. He looks up to connect their gazes, and his eyes narrowed with boredom only say 'really?'
“As opposed to all the times you fucked me inside and they never listened to us?” Shadow pronounces, a little too elegantly for someone who not long ago was begging to suck his cock, “I think we'll be fine.”
“Shads-” Again he covers his muzzle, this time with both hands. Shadow, without any hesitation or shyness, wraps his lips around Sonic's dick. The inside of his mouth feels amazing, warm, wet, and with a roughness that he can only identify as Shadow's tongue, which he eagerly moves to taste Sonic.
Sonic instinctively thrusts his pelvis forward, forcing his cock deeper inside and Shadow's throat tightens with a gag.
But, like so many other times, Shadow doesn't stop him, push him away or ask him to stop. He lets Sonic do anything because it turns the masochist on when he takes advantage, or what does he know. He's not going to get down to analyzing the black hedgehog's motives even though he's pretty sure he should, that it's something important, something he shouldn't be ignoring as deliberately as he has.
Sonic doesn't move again even though his other head begs him to, frightened by the ease with which Shadow accepts all this, and the other hedgehog seems to get restless. He opens his mouth with a pop and pulls Sonic's dick out of his mouth, leaving several strands of saliva behind. He replaces the inside of his mouth with his hand, though he doesn't move it.
“Why did you stop?” Shadow questions.
“Uh, I don't want to hurt you?”
Shadow rolls his eyes at that weak response, as he would describe Sonic.
“A weakling like you can’t hurt me,” There it is. Blah blah blah, it's not like Shadow repeats it over and over.
“Man, I don't know. I think you need your throat to breathe.” Shadow clearly gets annoyed at that, because he clenches his grip on his hand in a way that, more than satisfying, hurts like a bitch. And it's pathetic that it brought a moan out of him.
“I don't need to breathe, I need to stop thinki-” Shadow pauses. Sonic raises an eyebrow, wanting to question it, but Shadow distracts him by returning to a swift back-and-forth that knocks the air out of him. The smooth movement of his wrist seems like an instigation to Sonic, a motivation, a reward, “Please. Just do it. You don't have to be careful with me.”
Shadow never asks him please.
Before Sonic can retort, Shadow seizes Sonic again with his mouth, but this time he slides down to meet his groin in a way that causes the blue hedgehog to feel on fire, on the verge of spontaneous combustion. His penis begs for friction and movement at the slimy cavity but his mind is still confused by Shadow's actions. With so much desperation, with so much desire to be seen as less than nothing.
But Shadow doesn't move from where he is, even though oxygen is barely entering through his nose, and his throat is spasming in an attempt to expel the intrusion.
Sonic squeezes his eyes shut again, and allows himself indulgence. He cups Shadow's cheeks to hold him still and begins to thrust his hips. He feels with the tip as, with each thrust, he touches the back of the black hedgehog’s throat. Tears begin to pool in Shadow's eyes, the sounds he makes are too grotesque to be so melodious, and Sonic takes no time at all to cum inside. Too fast for his liking, actually. Usually, this takes longer.
Shadow pulls away. Shakily he lifts his head to use gravity on his favor and swallows the semen spilled in his mouth and throat.
Okay, yeah. Sonic lasted fairly little this time, but with that nasty sight of Shadow's throat, soaked with drool and bobbing as he swallowed, he didn't even have time to soften up. He's hard again.
Shadow wipes his lips with his arm, and looks down at Sonic's crotch.
“It appears we’re still not done here.”
He thinks about stopping this. Would that be the right choice? Will he know it once he tries it? Why does he want to stop it in the first place?
His heart can give him a few reasons.
Because they've already done too much (the danger was initially exhilarating—the thrill of being caught, of committing something forbidden and frowned upon. Once the novelty wore off, Sonic actually began to fear that Tails or whoever might find him in the middle of the act).
Because he's slowly becoming more and more uncomfortable with the idea that he's keeping things from his family (with all the trust they have been giving him recently despite past mistakes, thinking Sonic will know how to do the right thing even though that's too heavy a burden for someone who's just been running his whole life).
Because Shadow wants more and more dangerous things (he'd be some kind of huge masochist, or simply the more vanilla stuff doesn't serve as a distraction for him like it used to, but Sonic doesn’t love the idea of hurting him badly despite knowing how durable Shadow is.
Maybe he’s not hurting physically, but what about emotionally?)
He should rein it in if nothing else. Tell Shadow to take things slower even if it goes against Sonic’s congenital nature.
But it still feels too good while it's happening. His cock is throbbing painfully, and Shadow is already accommodating his entrance to sink all the way in as he sits on Sonic's lap.
When they're like this, thinking is too hard. After all, that's the appeal Shadow sees in all this (Shadow has been explicit about it, even if Sonic wants to play dumb). They don’t have to think. They don’t have to keep feeling like something is missing so they’re not suffering.
Once he bottoms out, Shadow wraps his legs around Sonic's lower back. He stays there for several seconds, still—seconds where everything is Shadow, his tightness, his hotness, his red eyes that look so beautiful this way: unfocused, full of pleasure, just for Sonic. Once he feels comfortable enough, the black hedgehog starts to move his hips in circles, not separating his body from Sonic's crotch for a single second, the other hedgehog's penis rubbing against his stomach.
Sonic feels his chest burning, the stimulation is overwhelming and he can't take it anymore. A loud moan is going to escape his throat if he doesn't do anything to stop it.
He bites down hard on Shadow's shoulder without warning. The other hedgehog sobs, his insides clenching almost torturously as if he wants to suck Sonic's soul out of his cock. He just cummed, and Sonic is already too close-
He can hear Ozzy barking inside the house, add that to the noise rather reminiscent of footsteps, and you have the perfect recipe for Sonic to burst into a nervous breakdown.
“Soni-?” Shadow doesn't even finish the question, because Sonic pops out of him and carries him on his shoulder; concerned, above all else, for Shadow's welfare. Never mind if Tom sees him out here when the human doesn't like it when Sonic stays up late. Never mind if Tom catches him alone and with a hand on his dick or whatever.
He worries that he will see Shadow and that it will cause him to be taken away again. That he'll be gone again. That he'll feel like he's died again without Sonic managing to do anything.
In the blink of an eye, they find themselves inside the garage, in the dark, with the door closed.
Sonic drops to the floor, panting, and through the threshold he can see the light of a flashlight.
This feels like a deja vu.
“Who's there?”
As he suspected, that's Tom's voice. Sonic's jaw tenses as his fists tighten.
He feels movement above him, and his head whips around so hard that, if he were a tiny bit more fragile, he would have broken his neck.
Now Sonic really thinks this lunatic is going too far. Sonic is still pretty hard, all right. His erection is quite painful, granted. But is that an invitation for Shadow to keep riding him until there's not a drop left to spill? Despite the situation they're in?
...Maybe.
The very funny guy, the one who otherwise loathes Sonic's jokes unless it's to torture the OG himself, raises a finger and presses it against his lips, asking the blue hedgehog to be silent.
Gulping is not enough to prepare himself.
He covers his mouth again, and doesn't know which is more sensual, the image of Shadow above him, the way his penis is being squeezed, or the danger they find themselves in.
“Agh! You again?! Get the hell out of here, you fucking raccoons!”
He hears Tom curse, the sound of metal junk clattering against itself in what he can assume is the great escape of a family of raccoons, and finally, it ends with the front door slamming. That allows Sonic to pull air back into his lungs, an unabashed moan brushing his lips.
It takes no time at all for him to cum, and Shadow collapses onto his chest. He makes no effort to pull Sonic's cock out of him.
Sonic grunts tiredly, placing a hand over his eyes.
“Shads, my guy. We really need to find a place for you to sleep.”
—
And that's because his eyes never told a single lie. His pain was genuine, his joys and his doubts.
He looks up at the sky, at the stars and the remnants of a weapon he stopped himself.
“I wanted it, but-” He pauses, a sob overtakes him and brushes his lips, “This isn't enough.”
—
Shadow didn't end up leaving for good. After a couple of weeks, Sonic learned that Grumpy was still wandering Green Hills in the same way Sonic once did, back in the days when he was just Crazy Carl's imaginary demon and not part of a collective hallucination (as a few still insist on calling it).
He was not the same, however. Shadow was completely out of it, suffocating in nothingness and with memories in the driver's seat. He insisted that Sonic leave him alone but how could he? This was a distress call, with or without the other hedgehog's knowledge and intent.
That was the first time he proposed to Shadow a foolish thing that wasn't worth the trouble.
And Shadow, against all odds, accepted.
—
What if Shadow is right?
“It's not working. I don't think... I don't think we should see each other again.”
—
“What. Are you doing here.”
Oh no. This is bad, very bad. Knuckles has adopted a fighting stance, and though Shadow hasn't moved an inch from where he is, the fire in his eyes is synonymous with 'come closer if you dare.'
It's not Tails' fault, even if it feels like it. The little fox has been worried for days, he convinced Knuckles to tag along and follow him despite Sonic's insistence that he's only out for a walk to clear his head. He thought he was convincing; he stopped sulking all the time, talked more, and even spent more time with the team, but of course such an observant and sly little guy wouldn’t be fooled so easily.
Any little detail that doesn't match or any out-of-place reaction that Sonic couldn't completely hide—anything would be cause for suspicion.
He assumes that taking some old sheets, blankets, and pillows is suspicious. Leaving with them without explaining anything as well. He also assumes that commissioning Tails for one of his gadgets without explanation is suspicious as well. Sonic has earned it big time.
“Are you going to fight me?” Shadow's tone is almost disdainful even though Sonic learned that's his way of speaking. It's not a provocation, he's not asking him for a fight, it's a legitimate question.
Knuckles clasps his fists together, and pulls them apart again, ready to throw the first punch, “If you give me the reasons.”
Shadow rolls his eyes. He turns and begins to walk deeper into the forest, “It's a waste of time for both of us. You're still not on my level.”
Knuckles growls, and launches a spiral attack. Shadow teleports to dodge it, but makes no further attempt to attack back.
Sonic feels his whole world go cold. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see that Tails' expression is similar to his own; bulging eyes and mouth ajar. Regret emanates from his pores.
“You see these deadly weapons sticking out of my fists, hedgehog? I'll use them to pulverize you if you deign to come near my family again!”
Shadow's expression changes completely, from small eyes to large, innocent ones, full of guilt and memories of moments they both regret very, very much. That's what finally makes Sonic snap out of it. He blinks, unfreezes, and quickly rushes in the middle of the battlefield, holding out his arms for both of them to keep their distance.
Shadow won’t fight, he knows that. But Knuckles…
“Woah! Easy, Wolverine.”
“I am no wolverine. I am an echidna warrior!”
“Whatever, man! Shadow's not here to fight! He's just-!”
“Why are you defending him? Has he given you a reason to trust him?”
Sonic’s eye twitch. Just sex. But that’s not a good reason. It might not be a reason at all, “Well-”
Knuckles' eyes expand, and Sonic can see a gleam in his eyes as if a light bulb has been turned on inside. He's realized something.
Knuckles points his fist at him, “Did he bring you back the Master Emerald?”
Sonic gulps. Ha… He didn't really think that one through, did he? He didn’t care enough to find a sound explanation, just shrugging it off and claiming it was pure coincidence. Knuckles now knows that Sonic lied to him, an act that in itself seems disgraceful to the echidna, and what makes it worse is that he didn't just lie for the sake of lying. He lied to hide the fact that Shadow was back.
“You knew a threat was nearby and decided to hide it!” Knuckles now focuses on him, the warning of punches going to Sonic. His eyes turn red as energy begins to leak out in anger.
“Yes, I did! You want to hit me for that? Fine, go ahead! I'm not afrai-”
“Stop it!!” Tails shrieks. He has sat down on the ground with his legs pulled up to his chest and his hands covering his ears, an innocent attempt to block out the noise because, of all of them, he has better hearing. He shakes his head, and after a sob, he implores them, “Don't fight again...”
He'd be lying if he said his heart wasn't in pieces.
He never acknowledged how hard it must have been for Tails to be in the middle of that altercation; feeling so helpless, unable to intervene or say anything that could heal that rift that was slowly getting bigger. It's that sensation of feeling so small when everything around you is so massive.
“I'm sorry,” Shadow murmurs with his head down, “I didn't come here to hurt your family. I only want to be left alone.”
Knuckles lowers his fists, standing up straight with much sternness in his gaze. Sonic can recognize that he hasn't let his guard down completely.
“What you've done is admirable, hedgehog. That I can recognize.” Knuckles begins, bringing his fist up his chest, in front of his heart, “But my duty lies with my tribe, forever. Until you prove to me by your deeds that you come in peace, I cannot trust you or forgive the harm you have caused.”
It only confirms Sonic's worst fears: they would really hate him if he knew what he and Shadow had been doing.
“And you,” Knuckles now turns in the blue hedgehog’s direction, his irritation palpable, “Learn to find where your priorities lie.”
—
“Why am I still here?” The question is so genuine when it comes out of his mouth. “Why didn't I die up there when I was ready to give it my all?”
—
“It's okay, Sonic. I think we all need to process what happened.” Tom reassures, though Sonic still feels a little squirmy, “If you need to talk, you know I'm here for you, right? Maddie and me. Knuckles too, and you know how much Tails cares about you. We're all here for you.”
Sonic smiles at him. It's true, they are the best. Though there’s still a seed of doubt slowly growing inside his head. Something he really needs to hear. He doesn't know how they'll take it if they hear how he feels about Shadow's death.
“I think Shadow and I were a lot alike,” He begins, and can sense how Tom tenses at the sound of his name. Dammit, “He was hurting.”
Tom nods, not answering, and his lips tighten as if he's trying not to show Sonic a grimace.
Sonic arches his eyebrows and bites his lip. Finally, he decides to ask, “If Shadow came back... Would you let him stay with us?”
Tom doesn't answer him for several seconds. Maybe under different circumstances, he would say yes, without hesitation. Because that boy also needed a family just as much as Sonic does. He had it, actually, and it was cruelly and unnecessarily taken away from him. Shadow was pushed too far.
And the worst part is that Sonic knows he's a cautionary tale. It was looking in the mirror to see himself and what he could have become if things had been just a little bit different. Longclaw said that Sonic has a very big heart, and maybe that's true, but how much can a heart like that take until it gets worn out? Sonic came close to making the same mistake.
He's not asking for Shadow, he's asking for himself.
If he had given in to revenge. If he had made the same mistake Shadow did.
Would he still deserve this family?
Tom sighs, “I don't know, buddy. I... I don't think so.”
In the end, maybe that was the crux of the matter, or none of them at all. Regardless, Sonic has his answer.
—
Really, what can he say? Sonic is all too familiar with the passing of the years after losing someone you love. He knows what it means, the implications, and the burdens that come with it.
“I don't know if you'll ever be able to feel complete.”
—
“Okay! This is today's quest!” Sonic goes from pointing at the sky, with one hand on his hip, to pointing at Shadow. The other hedgehog cocks his head like a confused puppy, “We'll get you a home!”
Shadow blinks with a poker face, “I don't need that.”
“Oh, but of course you do, mister!” Sonic insists. He grabs Shadow by the shoulders, forcing Grumpy to turn around, and pushes him to start walking. All despite Shadow's feeble protests. Lately, he simply can't hinder Sonic, “Yesterday Tom almost caught us, besides! Where do you sleep?”
“On whatever branch looks most comfortable,” Shadow admits casually. He doesn't see anything wrong with it, and Sonic has to remind himself that the black hedgehog, despite his hard shell, is a bit naive. He doesn't know much about Earth, but luckily he's with the expert. The connoisseur. Sonic knows all there is to know. He even graduated from Discovery Channel to History Channel, which clearly contains only 100% accurate documentaries and not a single conspiracy theory. Not at all.
“Little guy, you're adorable,” Sonic coos with a huge grin. Shadow's blush doesn't escape him, but he won't comment, “Every good life on Earth needs a dash of stability, a place you can come back to, to call home.”
“I already had that and it didn't go well.” Sonic stops pushing the hedgehog, and Shadow, too, stops accordingly. He turns around and gives Sonic the most neutral face he has available. It's as if he didn't just say one of the most heartbreaking things the blue hedgehog has heard in a long time.
Sonic inhales, his shoulders slump, and his eyebrows arch.
“I had a family before the Wachowskis, and it didn't turn out well either. I lost her,” He admits, showing far more sincerity than he's allowed himself in months. Shadow notices, his gaze softening and his ears drooping, “You gotta give second chances a chance, Shadow.”
Thankfully, the other hedgehog seems to consider it.
“Okay.”
—
Shadow never says 'stop' to him.
This time was the exception. The only one. Possibly the last.
—
“The guy from Olive Garden? Again? What happened now?” Maddie asks after opening the front door, surprised, confused, and flatly tired all at once. Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles startle at the same time, running to the front entrance and looking at the man they thought was dead.
“Commander Walters!” Tails expresses, though Sonic fails to identify whether he's happy to see him alive or a bit disappointed, “You're still alive...”
The man removes his hat and pins it to his chest as a sign of respect.
“I came to thank you personally for what you have done for this world. The Earth could have been destroyed if it weren't for you,” Walters utters, bowing his head once. “And I must admit that this happening was partly my fault. I made a mistake fifty years ago. I would have been very sorry if another child had paid for me and my crimes. Again, you have my gratitude.”
“Are we getting paid this time around?” Tom asks after leaning out, draping an arm around his wife's shoulders protectively, “Or are we getting another gift card from Olive Garden?”
“Not just one gift card,” Walters holds up his unbroken hand, he has a coupon in his hand which, with a nimble movement of his thumb, turns into two, “I'll give you two gift cards this time.”
Tom raises his eyebrows and smiles forcibly. Maddie struggles not to laugh, gently patting her husband's chest, “Great, we appreciate it.”
Tom is about to close the door, but Commander Walters stops him. His expression turns somber, “Actually, there's something else we need from you. We recently detected Shadow's energy signature in Green Hills. I wonder if you have any information about it.”
“We didn't know he was still alive.” Tom points out, brow furrowing, “What makes you think we know where he is?”
“Well, considering you have a penchant for housing super-powered aliens...” Walters motions to the kids behind the couple, “I thought it would be reasonable if you could contain the fourth.”
“And what the hell does G.U.N. want with him now?!” Sonic bellows, interrupting the grown-ups. Tom closes his eyes as his nostrils flare, mentally preparing himself for whatever the hedgehog is about to provoke, “Didn't you guys do enough to him already?!”
Walters looks apologetic, “I agree, and I'm very sorry for him, but he's too dangerous for him to be roaming free. He at least needs to be supervised.”
“Dishonorable.”
Sonic freezes, his whole body tensing as he watches the echidna out of the corner of his eye.
He rarely actually hears Knuckles speak in this voice, with a commanding finality that is almost monstrous and can only express deep-seated ire. He can tell it's not lost on the rest. Especially Walters.
Knuckles clenches a fist.
“If you really are sorry,” Knuckles says, taking a step forward that echoes throughout the house, “You will learn from your mistakes and leave him alone.”
Sonic is strangely moved. Knuckles doesn't know what happened to Shadow—which, truth be told, Sonic doesn't know it in detail either—but he was able to sense the hedgehog's honesty: his deep regret and genuine desire to just be left alone. He may hate his actions, he may hate what he did previously, but he identifies honor in Shadow’s desires. Knuckles respects his dignity, and that's more than many are willing to do for Shadow.
Knuckles is really strong, and no matter how much they fight or have disagreements, Sonic should have remembered that he could always count on him. On them.
“We'll let you know-” Maddie butts in, placing herself between the pissed-off echidna and Commander Walters, “-if we know anything. Thanks for the gift cards.”
She finally shuts the door and turns to look at her husband. Tom raises an eyebrow before saying, “And that's the sign we're not going to tell him anything?”
“That kid scares the hell out of me, but I don't know what they could do to him. At any rate, I don't have a good feeling about it.”
It shows again that the situation was not as black and white as Sonic thought it was. Sure, they have reason to dread Shadow, even to not want him around, but they wouldn't put him in imminent danger. All the things Sonic assumed—all that speculation born of inherent distrust from having been alone for so long—were wrong, proving to him again why he came to this family.
Why they are right for him, and he is for them.
Because his heart always knew he was screwing things up. Always knew something was off. And he should have trusted them more.
“It worries me,” Maddie says, almost breathless. She returns her gaze to the trio, and in dismay asks, “Did you guys know Shadow was in Green Hills?”
—
“Why am I still here?” He sounds so confused, so helpless. The question is so genuine when it comes out of his mouth.
He has to remind himself that Shadow had an ending already visualized for both situations. After all, he knew. He knew that the Eclipse Cannon would explode, whether he took the rest of the world with him or not.
Whether he was manipulated into accepting death or not, Sonic has no fucking clue, but the intention was there.
“Why didn't I die up there when I was ready to give it my all?”
—
“Of course! My old cave! How did I not think of it sooner?” Sonic shouts as he comes across the all-too-familiar hole.
He grabs Shadow by the hand, and though the other hedgehog protests at the sudden tug, he lets himself be pulled by Sonic anyway.
The hedgehog lets go, and after a wide grin with sunbeam-filled eyes, jumps in. Shadow hesitates, but follows him inside anyway.
Sonic watches him carefully analyze every detail. He bounces on his tiptoes with excitement at being able to share with Shadow one of the memories he holds with most nostalgia even though it is sometimes synonymous with his social seclusion.
“Ta-da! What do you think of my old cave, isn't it fabulous?” Sonic chirps, a little smugly. One can tell he's affectionate about it.
Shadow nods once, conceding a positive point, and his gaze fixes on a specific spot, on the wall behind Sonic.
Again, there is that very authentic look, with his eyebrows arched and his mouth almost forming a pout. Sonic blinks in confusion and turns around, finding the drawing of his old home, with a considerably smaller Sonic and an owl keeping him company.
Sonic smiles with a bittersweet taste. Shadow stands next to him, and the blue hedgehog raises a hand to touch the wall.
“It's where I used to live,” He explains, though Shadow hasn't asked. His hand wanders over to stand underneath the drawing of his old family, “And she was Longclaw. I drew this when I first came to this planet.”
He turns to look at Shadow, he’s biting his lips hard enough to draw blood, “Why did you draw it?”
Sonic chuckles weakly, “So I'd never forget.”
Shadow exhales shakily. He takes a couple of steps back and before Sonic can process it the other hedgehog has sat down at the other end of the cave, hugging his legs and laying his chin on his knees. Sonic arches his eyebrows and walks over to him.
“I can't stay here,” Shadow says, his voice duller than usual, ”I don't want to stay here.”
“Shads,” Sonic calls. The other seems to have adjusted enough to the nickname not to react violently. Sonic kneels in front of him, trying to get him to look him in the eye, “What's wrong?”
“Do you want to know what I was doing before I came back to Green Hills?” Shadow asks, and Sonic nods.
“You can tell me anything you want.”
“I... I didn't know what was next after everything that happened,” Shadow begins. These odd moments where he comes clean, where he allows himself to be so vulnerable in front of Sonic, are few and far between, “I wanted to go back somewhere familiar, but I- I remembered that I destroyed… everything.”
Sonic's eyes widen.
Sure enough, that mini black hole swallowed what was left of the top-secret military base. It devoured Shadow's former home. It blew the memories that were stored there away, drifting like the wind, and he probably didn't care at all at the time. He and Gerald Robotnik had the goal of wiping out the entire Earth anyway.
But now that that didn't happen, Shadow has to deal with what he did. That explains why he was so agitated when Sonic met him after he came back, why he looked the way he did: so fed up, about to explode with any little brush.
(And that's exactly what Sonic did to him.)
“There's nothing left of her,” He says, his voice cracking, “And I almost got rid of the last thing that carries her memory.”
Sonic arches his eyebrows, “What thing?”
Shadow sobs, and points to his chest. To his heart.
“If I had died, her memory would have died with me.” Shadow closes his eyelids tightly, and Sonic takes his hand, squeezing, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand. It seems to calm the other hedgehog even just a little bit.
“It's a good thing you're still here, then.” Sonic tries, and Shadow wipes the corner of one eye with his wrist.
“It doesn't take away my guilt,” Shadow quietly whispers, “Doesn't take away that I got rid of everything that reminds me of her.”
Sonic bites his lip. He can understand, the only thing Sonic keeps from Longclaw is a single feather that fell through the portal with him. The hedgehog is pretty careless with his stuff; he's lost shoes, comics, and other junk over the years, but the feather is the one thing he always cared for with his entire body. The last tangible memory he has of Longclaw. If he had lost it, he could never have forgiven himself.
Luckily now he can keep it in his drawer, and-
He snaps his fingers, remembering. That's it!
“Shadow? Give me a few seconds, literally a few seconds. I'll be right back!” Sonic takes off running at full speed in the direction of his house. He quickly greets Tom (he's doing housework today too, apparently) and goes up to his room. He opens his drawer and gets the item he came to collect.
He leaves as quickly as he arrives (Tom is more confused than anything, Sonic’s 'Hi Tom!' and 'Bye Tom!' separated by mere microseconds) and returns to his old cave. Shadow still has his eyes closed, and Sonic pulls his wrist to place Shadow and Maria's picture in his open palm.
When Shadow notices what it is, his eyes shine so beautifully, as if they contain all the stars in the universe. It's a picture Sonic will never be able to erase from his mind.
Sonic rubs the back of his neck, “I saw the photo and took it with me without realizing it. I didn't know what to do with it, but now I'm glad I kept it! Now I know that-!”
Sonic jolts as he is interrupted by a pair of arms wrapping around his neck tightly. Shadow hides his face in his shoulder, and Sonic's heart skips a beat as he feels his own eyes filling with tears.
“Thank you.”
Sonic smiles, and wraps his arms around Shadow's back, “You're welcome.”
“I'll stay here.” Shadow informs him, and Sonic couldn't feel more glad.
“I know! I'll help you bring stuff to decorate! I'll even...” Sonic hesitates, would it be right to propose after seeing Shadow so vulnerable? Just, he saw that room with his two little eyes. Familiarity and affection poured out like a water birth, drenching everything with its love.
Maybe that would make Shadow feel a little more at home.
“We can... We can make a pillow fort,” Shadow breaks off, his eyes still glassy. He doesn't look sure, and Sonic pats him on the shoulder a couple of times, “If you want.”
Shadow ducks his head, hesitant for several seconds. Sonic can hear the gears turning inside his head as he considers it.
For the first time in a long time, Shadow smiles at him. It's a tiny smile, but it lights up the entire room and causes his heart to race with even more haste. It's officially one of the most beautiful things he's ever seen in his entire life.
“Let's do it.”
—
Maybe this plea isn't because he feels affection for the other, nor because they forged a friendship or a strong bond despite the understanding they both share. It's because he can't bear the thought of never seeing him again.
Oh, come on, that's a lie. Like he's dumb enough to ignore what his heart feels. He's already done plenty of that, and he refuses to do it anymore.
Because Sonic had never met someone with such beautiful eyes, that could hold all the stars of the universe inside them like Shadow's eyes do. And, when Sonic sees them, his heart knows what's right.
—
“Sonic knew,” Tails admits. And again. He feels incapable of blaming the fox. Don’t know what to do with Sonic’s odd attitude? Spill the beans to the caretakers, they’ll know what to do. Or make it worse. Who knows.
Tom sighs, and it’s a bit heartbreaking how disappointed he looks. “Is that why you've been going out so often?”
Sonic bites his lip, his ears drooping like a scolded puppy, and nods.
“I'm sorry, I know he hurt you, but-” Sonic pauses, looking down at the ground. All the things he's been thinking for the past few months slide out of his mouth like a dam breaking as it comes close to overflowing.
Sonic was going to overflow, it's famously known that he doesn't know how to stay quiet for long, even when his big mouth gets him in trouble.
If keeping quiet was the wrong thing to do, if his heart always knew it was wrong, then the moment he was waiting for has come: to make up for his mistake, and give them back the trust they have placed in Sonic.
They deserve to know the truth, what his heart really harbors.
“Things were hard for Shadow, and all this time I couldn't help but wonder if I could have ended up just like him. You know what? Scratch that, I know I could have. Shadow has a huge heart and he still did things he regrets anyway. I almost did something to him that I might have regretted because I was so angry about what he did to you, Tom. But I have you guys, and I could realize that whatever I was doing wasn't the right thing to do, and that revenge would have gotten me nothing. Shadow- He doesn't have anyone, not anymore. He did, he had a family and they were taken from him, so he couldn't focus his life or do the right thing and now he needs a friend to help him get back on his feet-”
Sonic stops to catch his breath. He is met with looks of surprise from his family.
Knuckles places a hand on his shoulder, “Do you think it's the right thing to do?”
There are many things he knows are wrong because his heart aches, but this—being Shadow's friend, the shoulder to lean on that was so lacking during the whole journey they experienced a few months ago—is not one of them.
There is no heaviness, no doubts, no regrets. It is crystal clear and bright as day.
He frowns and nods firmly. Knuckles smiles at him.
“I'm glad-” Knuckles says with pride, ”-you've got your priorities in order now.”
—
He takes Shadow's hand in his, and he looks up at the stars.
—
The atmosphere is still very tense from what happened a few hours ago. Sonic tried to ease the atmosphere with his good vibes and his jokes with undoubtedly effective comedic timing, but the discomfort, the chills, were still noticeable.
Shadow didn’t talk, but helped him set up the pillow fort either way. Sonic had to use quite a bit of his allowance money to get the stuff that wasn't in the house (or in the trash, actually) but it's totally worth it. He only took Maddie and Tom's old stuff, from long before Sonic settled there; they've been living in that house for quite a while and were considering throwing it out anyway, what with that they now have three aliens living in their attic and there’s no more room for storage.
“The final touch is missing!” Sonic exclaims, trying to get Shadow to perk up a little bit. He runs with super speed around the pillow fort strategically placing the wire with Christmas lights (he admits, with a tiny bit of irony, that he did steal these from Maddie and Tom. Meh, Christmas is a few months away. He'll get them some more when he recovers his investments).
Shadow remains speechless, his gaze lost in the pillow fort.
“And you may ask, ‘Oh, but Sonic, how are we going to get electricity to turn on the lights?’ Well, you see, dear Shadow! There's a benefit to living with a boy genius. If you pay him enough, he'll build things for you,” Even if that then leads to them having an unpleasant encounter because the boy genius has questions, and Sonic refuses to answer said questions. Yes, he still feels bad about it, “Observe!”
Sonic pulls out the little electrical box he commissioned from Tails and plugs the lights into the socket. All he has to do is press this switch and-
The lights illuminate the dark cave, and it's a colorful spectacle where the stone reflects the reds, yellows, blues, greens, purples, and whites of the LEDs. They release a calmness and beauty that relaxes Sonic considerably, though he is still somewhat regretful about the altercation with Knuckles.
“Sonic,” Shadow calls out to him, and Sonic raises his eyebrow, returning his gaze to the other hedgehog. He’s hugging himself tightly, “Why are you doing all this?”
Sonic sighs, despondently deflating. He learned that Shadow's questions are not provocations. They're always about his thought process, him discovering and navigating that foreign world around him, rather than judging right off the bat, even though the tone of his voice might indicate otherwise.
It reminds him of when Sonic was tiny and had just arrived on Earth, everything was unknown, strange, scary. It was unfamiliar, it was new, it wasn't home.
Sonic had time to turn things around. Shadow became a recluse the exact moment he arrived on Earth and then became an ice cube for fifty years.
Small and innocent. Those are two adjectives that under no circumstances would he use to describe Shadow, but that's exactly how he looks. So puzzled, so lost, everything around him too massive.
He reminds him just a little bit of Tails being like this.
“I don't understand.” Shadow whispers, his voice cracking, “I don't understand you. I can- I can understand you not wanting to kill me, but all of this...”
He gestures with his hand to the pillow fort, the lights, the decorations Sonic has had to pick out because the black hedgehog insists he doesn't need them and that they are really a waste of time. He points to the whole cave, in general, and his gaze ends up fixed again on Sonic's drawing, on the photo they hung next to it. Of him and Maria, at a time when things were a little simpler, something he can never get back.
“Shadow?”
“Why don't you hate me more?”
Why are you doing nice things for me? Is what he seems to ask, so stunned by Sonic's attitude that he even looks dizzy. Understandable, he supposes. Knuckles was very direct in letting him know that his mistakes have not been forgotten, that he did his tribe a disservice and it's something the echidna has to take into account even if his enemy has no reason to fight.
“I don't hate you.” Sonic retorts, but Shadow shakes his head in denial, so the blue hedgehog doesn't insist. He lets him stay quiet for all the time in the world until he comes to a conclusion.
“I don't want to think about this.” And once he says that, the same song they've been dancing to since this 'arrangement' began kicks in, Shadow pulls Sonic up and his heart flips with surprise. He collapses on top of the other hedgehog. His eyes widen as he feels Shadow's hands on his flank, running down his fur until they reach his thighs.
Sonic gulps.
Should he stop him?
“Do whatever you want to me.”
Hadn't they gone far enough?
“Maybe not today, pal. You know, I had a bit of a cough earlier and-” Shadow grabs his chin to interrupt him, squeezes his cheeks, and forces Sonic to press his lips to his. Sonic for a moment loses himself in the highly addictive sensation, closing his eyes and reciprocating the desperate kiss.
Well, let's see, this is why he found a place for Shadow, right? No, quite the contrary. It was because Shadow wasn’t sleeping so instead he hooked up with Sonic. His objective was to find the black hedgehog somewhere he could feel safe enough to hit the sack.
Meh, whatever, he supposes this could work too.
Also, he indeed understands Shadow a little bit: he also doesn't want to think about what happened earlier. Sonic also doesn't want to think about the fact that he betrayed Knuckles again, that he scared Tails to the point of almost making him cry. He doesn't want to think about his priorities or whatever.
He doesn't want to think about the fact that his heart aches, knowing this is wrong even if he doesn’t want to find the ‘why’s’ and ‘why nots’. His heart feels like he should be taking better care of Shadow.
...
“Shadow,” He breaks off, but the other hedgehog keeps giving him kisses around his muzzle that feel so good, “Do you really want to do this?”
Shadow frowns, “I don't want to think.”
Sonic pauses and, if only for a short moment, considers.
“You don't even want to think about whether you want it or not?” Sonic starts to doubt, has he been taking advantage of Shadow all this time? It's always been weird. He's always recognized that Shadow does this on purpose: he takes it too far even if it pains or hurts him because it's easier than asking the right questions.
Shadow stops his kisses, still on Sonic's skin. Slowly he pulls back and looks into his eyes.
Silently, he shakes his head. He looks strangely innocent.
At least he gets Shadow to reconsider.
“Not today.” He admits, finally, and something inside his eyes snaps, though Sonic can't identify what it is, “Not in front of her.”
Her? The girl in the photo? Well, truth be told, it would be a bit awkward to do these things in such an important place. In a place that reminds them of the people they lost. It's as if they were about to desecrate a sacred ground.
Sonic stands up and holds out his hand to Shadow so he can stand up as well.
“Will you leave?” Shadow asks, and it's at that moment that Sonic turns to look up at the sky. The stars are already peeking out.
Sonic nods, “I'll let you sleep in peace.”
“I don’t need sleep, and I don’t want to sleep. And… I can’t.”
Sonic sighs. He's so stubborn. He would trust Shadow more about this. Being in a medically induced coma for so many decades could mean that you really don’t want to sleep, but Shadow still looks very tired from time to time.
“What if I stay here?” He proposes, and Shadow ducks his head, ”Would it help you sleep?”
Against all odds, Shadow nods. And before he knows it, they're inside the pillow fort, covered by a quilt and sharing personal space. And they're not having sex. And Sonic really likes it anyway. His heart beats with the same force but somehow it feels lighter. Better. And Shadow looks just as cute.
Maybe he's just that cute. No matter what the situation is.
“What if I do this?” Sonic sticks an arm out from under the covers and starts scratching Shadow's head gingerly. The hedgehog right off the bat goes defensive, like a kitten about to hiss at a perceived threat, but quickly relaxes, his eyes growing drowsy.
Shadow shuts his eyes, and in a soporific voice says one last thing before he falls asleep, “She used to do this to help me sleep too...”
And Shadow can fall asleep like that, even with a smile on his mouth. Sonic isn't going to hide that he stayed awake a little longer on purpose, just so he can appreciate and memorize Shadow's peaceful face while he's asleep.
—
This was going to happen. The house was empty: Tom and Maddie left Green Hills for a pending surgery for the man (part of his treatment), Knuckles and Tails went camping in the woods because they want to try out some of the inventor's new gadgets. They invited him, but Sonic passed.
They haven't done it for several days, Shadow hasn't reached out to Sonic. Sonic hasn't reached out to Shadow either. Whatever happened a few days ago in the pillow fort changed things, or so Sonic figured.
For Shadow, however, things were different.
He plops down on his bed, and spreads his legs, his hands removing the fur covering his entrance and penis.
“Don't hold back.”
Sonic sighs. He's really already come to a conclusion. Maybe all this time they've been hurting each other more than it was helping.
“Not this time, Shadow.” He wants to make amends, wants to show the other hedgehog that things can be okay. That they can be okay. He settles on top of the other hedgehog, propped up on his hands and knees. Shadow looks magical this way, even if his gaze only reflects confusion, “If we're going to do it, I want to... I want to show you how much you matter.”
He kisses his forehead, his brow. Kisses the side of his nose, his chin. Shadow lets out his breath every time it happens. This way, his heart knows things are right. It doesn't feel wrong. Maybe this way the pieces are finally going to match. Maybe then they can be whole.
(Although inside he knows it's not true. Sonic was already getting enough affection from his family, and it wasn't enough.)
“No, no.” Shadow hisses. His blank stare hints that he really doesn't understand what's going on, “This isn't working. No...”
Sonic chuckles, and gently strokes the outline of his face, “Give it a chance.”
Out of nowhere, his eyes fill with anger.
“No. Stop. Stop. Stop!” Shadow shoves him, knocking the air out of Sonic and causing him to fall out of his bed. He turns to protest but Shadow looks...
So frightened. And that marks the second time he's seen the other hedgehog like this.
Shadow never says 'stop' to him.
This time was the exception. The only one. Possibly the last.
“Stop acting like this, as if- As if you care about me.” Shadow implores him, short of breath, and places a hand on his temple, pressing desperately like his head begins to throb.
Sonic arches his eyebrows, “I do care about you.”
Shadow growls at that and finally yells, “No you don't! You should hate me and you shouldn't care. If you've put up with me it's because you don't want to think and you don't want to be alone either. You're doing this for the same reason I am.”
Shadow chides him, and Sonic lowers his head, suddenly feeling... sober. He shouldn't care. That's what he told Tails months ago. He shouldn't care so much that Shadow died. He shouldn't care that the other hedgehog feels so hurt and alone. He shouldn't care how lost Shadow is now because the world is big and overwhelming and he was never given a chance to adapt to it.
The crux of the matter was that Sonic felt weak for not helping more. Then, that he really isn't good at dealing with deaths, with people leaving him behind. Finally, he thought it was just his own fear surfacing because he realized that Shadow and he were two sides of the same coin.
What if Shadow is right?
“It's not working. I don't think... I don't think we should see each other again.”
Sonic gasps, and after raising his head there are only papers left soaring in the air from the sudden gust of wind.
(Before he can answer, Shadow blinks out of existence, and it's as if he's died yet again.)
That's the problem with Shadow being as fast as him, he can't say anything to stop the other hedgehog. He sneaks through his window and Sonic takes too long to process it. He doesn't reason it out, he simply follows, jumping up and intercepting Shadow before he can leap off the roof to escape. With a lump in his throat, Sonic asks one last thing of him.
“I don't want you to leave.” He admits, his voice more shaky than he is able to control. He doesn't know if the other notices, if he even cares.
The pain of thinking he'll leave again, that he'll never see him again. It's too much for Sonic, a sensitive fiber he's never deigned to acknowledge until now.
It's a thorn in his chest, one he's never been able to get rid of no matter how many years go by. Sometimes he can ignore it, sometimes the thorn feels like a stake piercing his heart. Sometimes he pictures it all too vividly: a scenario where he loses everything again, where the family he's won and the love he's felt vanish like foam.
“Don't leave.”
He's going to accept it. Maybe Shadow is right and in truth, Sonic doesn't care as much as the blue hedgehog thinks he does.
Maybe this plea isn't because he feels affection for the other, nor because they forged a friendship or a strong bond despite the understanding they both share. It's because he can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. Because experiencing it makes him involuntarily tie it back to the moment when he was just a child, a few years old, and lost his whole world, his only family. Sonic can't bear to lose people because he already did it once and that event marked him for life.
...
Oh, come on, that's a lie. Like he's dumb enough to ignore what his heart feels. He's already done plenty of that, and he refuses to do it anymore.
The crux of the matter is that he's very fond of Shadow; regardless of all the blunders he's made, of all the hard times they both regret so much. Regardless of Shadow thinking Sonic should hate him for everything he's done, and ignoring how much they've both screwed up. Shadow quickly became someone special to him.
Because Sonic had never met someone with such beautiful eyes, that could hold all the stars of the universe inside them like Shadow's eyes do. And, when Sonic sees them, his heart knows what's right.
“I can't stay.” Shadow cries out, and the sorrow inside him becomes evident. And that's because his eyes never told a single lie. His pain was genuine, his joys and his doubts.
He looks up at the sky, at the stars and the remnants of a weapon he stopped himself.
“I wanted it, but-” He pauses, a sob overtakes him and brushes his lips, “This isn't enough. It stopped being enough, I can't stop thinking about everything that happened, that nothing makes sense. I'm sick of nothing making sense. Why does nothing make sense, Sonic?”
“Shadow...” He calls. It's a question he doesn't know how to answer either, and he actually stopped asking it a long time ago because it was simply pointless torture. Thinking about the unfairness of the situation, wondering with all his being if he really deserved what happened. Shadow looks that way once again: so small, so innocent, lost in a world far beyond him. Stranded and floating in a universe with no direction to follow or a planet adrift to call home.
“I don't even know how I ended up here! Why am I still here?” He sounds so confused, so helpless. The question is so genuine when it comes out of his mouth.
He has to remind himself that Shadow had an ending already visualized for both situations. After all, he knew. He knew that the Eclipse Cannon would explode, whether he took the rest of the world with him or not. In both scenarios, Shadow knew he would end up giving his life, which gives that very tragic tinge to it all.
Whether he was manipulated into accepting death or not, Sonic has no fucking clue, but the intention was there.
“Why didn't I die up there when I was ready to give it my all? Why couldn't I have died with dignity and not had to deal with all this?”
Sonic sighs shakily. He can't bear to hear this. He grabs Shadow by the lapels, and pulls him close. He digs his eyes into Shadow's reds, and though he trembles (him, or Shadow, both of them, actually), the blue hedgehog doesn't hold back, “What dignity is there in dying, Shadow? What kind of redemption is there in death? There’s a difference in wanting to get rid of yourself completely and the parts that are hurting, y’know.”
“No...” Shadow closes his eyes, and a tear slips down his cheek. He shakes his head, “I don't want to keep thinking. I want it to stop.”
“Things that are really worthwhile are hard, okay? Thinking things through too. Coming to terms with what happened to you is horrifying because you realize how unfair it all was and how much you were failed. That you didn't actually do anything wrong to deserve it when you always feel so guilty. It's frightening, and it sucks a hell of a lot, but it's necessary to realize that... That maybe the only way to show them that this didn't break you forever is to… Find your happiness again...”
Shadow pushes him. He buries his hands on his head and growls, more and more tears sliding down onto the roof like raindrops, “Find my happiness again?! How am I supposed to be happy?”
Sonic puts a hand to his muzzle, and startles as he feels the wetness soak through his gloves, is he crying too?
“I don't even feel like a living thing.” Shadow reveals, dropping to his knees. He looks up at the stars and that light that means so much, “I feel like I'm just in pieces.”
“I'm sorry, Shadow,” Sonic whispers, kneeling in front of the black hedgehog. All this makes him rethink all the things he started himself. Maybe because he's just like Shadow: a being in pieces. Because he didn't want to think either, because he didn't want to sleep when he had nightmares. He proposed some foolish thing that wasn’t worth the trouble, and instead of helping them, he just gave them free rein to not face their demons. He should have known that feeling complete would only be momentary, and by the time they were done, there would be nothing left of the two of them. Just an emptiness that's hard to fill. “I should never have dragged you into this.”
“I...I wanted it. I thought it would help, but even this wasn't enough.” The other hedgehog sobs, unable to control the tears sliding down his cheeks, “What else do I need to do to feel complete?”
Sonic bites his lips, a naive attempt to keep his own tears at bay. Really, what can he say? Sonic is all too familiar with the passing of the years after losing someone you love. He knows what it means, the implications, and the burdens that come with it. His family is his most precious treasure, and he adores them, but...
“I don't know if you'll ever be able to feel complete. I’m not there yet myself.”
He can't lie to Shadow when he's this vulnerable. He deserves to know, deserves sincerity as much as he deserves a better ending. He deserves to be able to think things through, to process them properly, and not just ignore them through activities they both barely understand because they still have some growing up to do.
Shadow watches him with wide eyes, breathing heavily.
He takes Shadow's hand in his, and he looks up at the stars.
“There are better days than others, sometimes you still feel lonely even though there are people surrounding you. But...” He interrupts himself, and a bashful smile settles on his lips, “But they're just feelings in the end, because you open your eyes and they're there for you, and they won't go away.”
“I don't have that...” Shadow sobs and Sonic laughs. Shadow purses his lips, appearing completely offended by Sonic's laughter. But, noticing that Sonic doesn't take back his smile, his eyebrows arch.
Those pretty eyes always look at him like a puzzle to solve, though, for the first time, maybe they'll listen to what Sonic has to say. Be ready to receive all the affection he has to show. His eyes were always quite sincere, about as open as Sonic had ever seen on anyone, anthropomorphic animal or not. The numbing pain was always clear, the heartbreak and his desire for revenge. How much he misses his own family, how much he cares. How much he regrets it. Shadow was always an open book, for the good, the bad, and the ugly.
“‘Course you do, dummy.” Sonic squeezes, and Shadow reciprocates. And so, sheltered under a blanket of stars, Sonic makes one last promise, one that his heart knows is right in the moment that matters most, “You have me. We can be incomplete together.”