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Ivan tried. Was it his fault to bring someone else to their bed? Of course, he assumed it as it was, he brought Luka in and now he was… he didn’t know what he was feeling, exactly, but it was burning him from the inside.
He looked at Till, happy, satiated and with the burning need of being fucked senseless by an Alpha and Ivan, inevitable, fell more in the sadness of being incapable of making his partner happy.
He loved Till endlessly, he would burn the world for him and his words made the path Ivan followed, being incapable of worshiping his god was killing him, slowly.
When Till ended up pregnant, Ivan felt himself crumble, something in him snapped. Something in him, finally, gave up.
Ivan faced the reality in front of him and decided that, sadly, he couldn’t keep up with this. He couldn’t keep up with being nothing Till needed.
Luka made him happy in a way Ivan couldn’t, and Ivan can’t keep doing this to himself.
He knew right from the start that love wasn’t enough, but god, how he wished it was.
How he wished his love was enough to satiate his lover but wishes meant nothing in the face of what was in front of him. Wishes were nothing when biology condemned him from the very beginning.
He sighed, he was feeling particularly tired, he went home, knowing that Luka and Till had ended for the day. Knowing that he could end things as easily as possible, because Till didn’t need him and now he had Luka.
Ivan should have said no since the very beginning of this endeavor.
When he crossed the household, the sigh of Till glowing and smiling, with teeth-marks on his neck and hickeys decorating his skin, received him, Ivan took a deep breath, wanting to cry. He should just disappear.
“Ivan! Welcome home.” He ran up to him, and Ivan, hastily, like something burned him, evaded his touch. “Ivan? Are you alright?”
The question left him with a sob stuck in his throat.
“Till.” He said, in a dull tone, devastated. Just like when they were kids and Ivan didn’t know how to talk. How to express. How to emote. Ivan completely shut down. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? Why are you sorry for?” Till ask and Ivan wants to cry, because at the end of the day, it was Ivan the one who didn’t belong in their home, anymore.
Ivan just fell deeper into the void of his emotions, knowing that he was losing himself.
“I think we should break up.”
The statement just took off the light of Till face and Ivan felt more miserable.
“What? Why?” Till asked, with that lingering fire that Ivan always reached, but now, he didn’t feel anything.
“I’m not enough for you.” The brutal honesty was there, because nothing else was keeping him present. He didn’t have anything else to attach himself to, nor something that would keep him alive. “And love isn’t enough, but god, Till, I wish so much it was.”
His face was blank, Till face was blurred by the tears falling down on his face, but Ivan didn’t feel anything anymore and he just wanted to cease existing.
“That’s not true!” Till almost screamed, he approached Ivan, but the black-haired men eluded him again, Till felt himself crumble. “You’re everything, Ivan.” He mumbled, trying to reach his lover again, but Ivan didn’t want to be burned by Till again, he didn’t want to feel alive again. “Why wouldn’t you be?”
“I’m not.” He said with certainty. “In all the time we were together you were never this happy, never this open, never this free.” Ivan said, knowing that this was going to break him more than it was going to break Till. He choked with a sob. “I was never capable of making you free of the heats, was never capable of making you feel good and satiated and happy.” He didn’t clear his eyes, nor tried to stop the crying. He didn’t know he was capable of crying this much. “I love you so much, Till, but I can’t give you anything you need and it’s killing me.” He confessed, taking his hair out of his sight, inhaling deeply. Trying to calm himself just a bit. “It’s not your fault, nor mine.” He shook his head slightly. “But god, I wish I could make you happy in the way you need.”
“But… Is this about Luka?” Till asked, trying to understand, trying to grasp, exactly, what was hurting Ivan.
“No.” it wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t entirely the truth, and Till knew it. “I knew that Luka was going to make your life easier, that was a fact, I blame myself, mostly, for not being able to be the one doing that.” He explained, it pained him, but what else was there to do? Ivan was nothing in comparison to Luka, and he couldn’t keep trying to deny himself that fact, nor deny that Till just didn’t need him. “I’m not like Hyuna, I just can’t keep overlooking this.” He took a deep breath, trying to calm his instincts screaming at him, telling him to stop just to keep Till by his side. “I love you, Till, endlessly, I love you as Till and as an Omega. You’re both.” He bites his tongue. “And while I can keep you happy in some regards, I can’t be good for you in the way you need, and I’m so sorry that I’m not an Alpha. I’m so sorry that I can’t mark you up as mine and make your instincts happy.” He approached Till, slowly, just to let a soft kiss on his forehead. “I’m so sorry that I can’t be what you need and what you love at the same time and I’m sorry that I can’t keep all this up, because I just want you to be mine, but I can’t do that.” He took a deep breath, hugged him tightly.
Then Ivan let him go.
“Be happy, please.” Ivan begged.
It was the only thing that would keep Ivan going: the thought of Till being happy in every way he needed and wanted.