Chapter Text
The picture frame trembled in his hands, one of the few non-necessitates personal items he’d brought of the freighter. It held many photos of his family, mother, father, sister, all dear to his heart. He eyed the photo splayed on the front of the frame. His mother’s deep cherry red hair volumed with tight bouncy curls, her roots showed the platinum blonde underneath that red. Her eyes shone, the photo didn’t do much justice to show how truly bright her eyes were. The deep hazel eyes she has fill his stomach with warmth. Memories of her tussling his hair after he had complimented how good the cookies she had made were, or when he’d fell asleep with his head in her lap while a movie blared in front of them, his little sister snug to his mothers other side already long asleep.
All the memories filled his heart and mind. They were all of when he was a little boy, not yet able to see the horror the world truly beheld, he wasn’t sure he truly saw it even now. The memories came with dreams, dreams he’d had for ages that he achieved, seeing the stars. It was something he’d wanted for so long, sometimes he’d think he might have been born with this dream in his heart. One to see the stars and planets that consumed the universe. Traveling far from home to see the galaxy with his own two blues, to gaze at them forever never looking away from it.
His father, the man who was the foundation of his dreams, would give hi pictures of the stars, the planets and the world he got to see in the sky, in space. He’d always glue the pictures into a scrap book that slid under his bed, growing heavier with each trip his father took. Even if it was only for a few weeks a year, or none at all, that he’d get to see the man and his pale blues borderline grey or his light auburn hair, he’d treasure every second with him. To this very day he’ll hold pictures of the man close to his heart, whether its of his face or the stars he’d gotten to see so much. A mere extra look at him for a second made him want to cry, it was good he’d be seeing him soon. So, he could run into his arms and cry, just like his old man did when he’d come home.
The firm bed pony express provided wasn’t the most comfortable but it’d make do. He stared at the picture frame now in his lap. The back of it strained with excess pictures shoved into it. His eyes lingered on the front picture, looking away from the curly red head to the green eyed girl in the picture. It was an old one, taken back when he was just a junior in high school, Curly can’t help but chuckle, he feels so old. The young girl, if he remembered right was a freshman at the time, had loose curly amber hair cut into a pixie style curls framing her face and not going much past her neck at all. He smiled to his eyes at the sight of her, she looked much different now, her hair still as short as it was then but now, she had a ring on her finger and a lovely lady by her side. Unlike Curly she wanted to settle down and have a family, she has a cat but not children yet, one on the way. She used to hold dreams much like his, to see the stars and universe, yet when her love came into her life she reveled and took the realization she wanted nothing more than to live with her family, to see them everyday and not take their tie together for granted. Curly respected that.
He stared up at the ceiling, a blank white chipping at the edges, he put the frame on his nightstand. It wobbled once he turned it to face away from him, they didn’t need to see this. One final look at Frieda, one look at his mother and one at him, his younger face beaming, naïve to the world, to the horrors. His eyes blurred and his nose burned, he turned it away from himself. He half hazardly snagged the bottle of painkillers- oxy- something that was in quite heavy quantities in the med bay.
After a moment he unscrewed the bottle, hands barely able to manage the task. He tossed the lid to the edge of his bed and gazed at the pills. The bottle wasn’t completely full, some pills being taken, pain was something that everyone experienced, showed them that blood flowed through them and to their hearts, keeping them moving. He took a hallow breath pouring a handful into his palm, the pills sticking to the clammy skin. The pills stuck and trembled in his hands as he steered it towards his mouth, this was only a third of it.
There was a bit of hesitance, holding his hand at his mouth to lap up the pills. Yet his mind drifted, he’d see his father again the man who made him who he is today, he’d never see his sisters baby, his niece-or-nephew, his mother’s eyes would never meet his again, he’d never feel their soft embraces. These thoughts swirled in his mind like a pot of stew, bubbling over. He let his hand drift down, eyes narrow but soft, uncertain.
Who’d find him like this? That thought was added to the pot, scenarios of Anya seeing him, lifeless overdosed on the cheap-ass painkillers pony express provided. Or maybe Jimmy, he didn’t think he’d want jimmy to find him like this, not after- he shook his head, that was the last thought he wanted to have. The bubbled over into his ears, blood rushing and filling them up, to his eyes pouring out in a mess of wet and salty, dribbling slowly out his nose and coming out a sharp gasp and whimpers from his mouth, truly pathetic. He willed his hand back up to his mouth and managed to shove every last pill on his hand into his mouth, wincing as he swallowed the chalky dry abundance of pills.
The bottle wasn’t empty yet. He shook his head and tried to not think- about the after of his decision. Being captain, these people are his responsibility, he’s going to let them down- but only once. They’ll have jimmy… He pours another handful and stares at the stark white bringing it up to his quivering lips… they’ll have jimmy, he can only hope he got whatever he wanted from him and wont--. He squeezes his eyes shut, ignoring the warm trickle down his cheeks and shoves the next batch of chalky tablets into his mouth.
This hurts- not physically no but the pain his heart feels, he’s leaving them behind. His mother, his sister, everyone on the crew- jimmy. They’ll be fine the crew will be fine, jimmy got what he wanted from curly- he won’t want more. These thoughts make him feel sick, or are the pills? Images play in his head like a vivid nightmare, of Anya beneath jimmy being assa- he gulps and lets his eyes go wide tears running more freely. He tries to blink away these thoughts- and pray to any god, one of that he didn’t really believe in, that she would never be hurt like he has been-was. That no one else on the tulpar would have to go through the same pain as him.
One last handful, his vision seems doubled.
They’ll live, they don’t need him. He’s—he’s replaceable. The pills, the last of them, are in his hands in front of his slack mouth. Already multiple dozen fizzing in his stomach, a couple dozen more won’t hurt, he’s already committed. He lets the pills tumble into his mouth and swallows, the tablets leave his throat dry, mouth already long since dry.
He wonders if he should’ve written a note.
He supposes he should have.
The window- screen it was a fake window that projected the skies, and the stars like on earth- faded into sunrise, everyone would wake up soon.
He hoped it was jimmy who’d find him like this.
At least then the others wouldn’t have to bear that horror, that knowing.
They still had 7 months till they landed.
What would become of him?
Knock-knock.
His eyes drooped, this was it.
He’s taking responsibility- for whom? He doesn’t know.