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Caitlyn was used to it by now. The whole arrangement. Her and Maddie, how they’d spend the day exchanging knowing looks and finger brushes (mostly on Maddie’s end), and then fall into bed by nightfall. Wash, rinse, repeat.
It had started maybe a month ago, and the beats were all the same. Minimal kissing, quick fucks. A cuddle or two if Maddie wanted it. Sometimes she spent the night, and sometimes she didn't.
Caitlyn didn't like to reminisce, to think too deeply about it. It was what it was.
And anyway, it was a nice escape, a brief reprieve from the usual hellscape that was her life these days. Haunted by the phantom of her mother. The insignia, the title. Ambessa’s court jester. Swallowed in grief, swallowed in loss, swallowed in rage. In guilt. In…heartbreak.
Vi was everywhere. Caitlyn saw her in the stars, in the reflection of the river, in the comfort of another woman’s skin, behind her eyes.
And where she saw Vi, she saw Jinx.
Lurking, preying. Waiting to pounce on her from the depths of whatever backwater shithole in Zaun she crawled out of. Just like she’d done months ago in Caitlyn’s bathroom. Always in the corner, always…
But the blade cut both ways. For as much as she hated Jinx, she couldn’t stand herself. And maybe that was why she sought out Maddie, or more specifically, why she didn't turn her away when Maddie sought out her, because she was the opposite of everything else that had gone wrong, of everyone else who had wronged her.
Maddie Nolen was a sweet girl, eager to please. An enforcer like her, principled and disciplined. And wasn’t that what her mother always wanted for her?
“I know you and…Vi had something, yes? The sister of that tyrant? But, my dear, we can’t all allow ourselves to indulge in our more base desires, especially when they coincide with what’s right. The justice we seek,” Ambessa said, leaning forward and laying a comforting hand on Cait’s shoulder, “Think of your mother. Do not forget her face. Do not forget her voice.”
Caitlyn’s eyes narrowed, “I won’t.”
That was one of the very first lessons Ambessa had imparted on her. Think of your mother. Do not forget her.
It whirled around in her head, a mantra. A reminder of what she was fighting for. A promise of vengeance that coiled, twisted her insides like curdled milk..
That day, Maddie finds Caitlyn when her vision is blurry and there are tear tracks on her cheeks. Maddie doesn’t comment on them, doesn’t dare toe that line, just offers herself up like the obedient servant she is.
Caitlyn wants to tell her that she appreciates it. That she appreciates having a body to lay on, to fuck. A plaything to exercise some semblance of control over.
She always feels sick after having thoughts like that, and double for letting them tip over into their encounters, but the mortal wound opening up so deep inside of her denies any guilt. Pushes the feeling so far away that all Caitlyn can see is her dangling feet as she falls into the abyss, falls into sex, hedonistic pleasures.
But still, she doesn’t let Maddie touch her. Because it isn’t about that.
As they enter the Kiramman guest room, Caitlyn swiftly pulls Maddie in by the lapels of her nightshirt and sloppily kisses her against the wall. Tongue, teeth. Mindless. She presses her hips to Maddie’s on instinct then regrets the action right after.
She’s already worked up from earlier. Bad idea. She wasn’t trying to lose herself in this.
Maddie is accommodating as always, bending to Cait’s will like a rubber band snapped in half. Doesn’t protest when Caitlyn grips her jaw harshly to force Maddie to look up at her, gazing into dulled eyes. Says nothing except a weakened plea of commander! when Caitlyn carries her to the bed, catches her in a bruising kiss. Hands roaming everywhere. Creature of design.
It’s boring. It’s nothing like Vi. No, Vi is headstrong, brave, witty, a fierce fighter. It wouldn't be this grey.
Caitlyn kisses Maddie some more, perfunctory, then strays to her neck, collarbone, breasts. Anywhere that she can’t see her. Anywhere she can be somewhere else, be with someone else.
The fear threatens to return, clouding her vision, but she swats it away. Doubles-down on her mission as she sucks on Maddie’s nipple, allowing herself a moment to just breathe in the scent of her, the scent of a woman. The body beneath her. She moves, nips at the top of her breast, growls when she realizes this won’t be enough.
Clothes are shed and Maddie squeaks when Caitlyn asks her how she wants to be fucked.
“Fingers first? Then…”
Caitlyn nods, shoves her ring and index fingers in Maddie’s mouth so that she can wet them, and it’s perverse and wrong and makes her own stomach drop in arousal when the sound of gagging rings out.
“Good girl,” Cait says, heady with power.
She starts fucking her with her fingers, slipping her head in Maddie’s neck and biting down so that she doesn’t have to face her. Maddie trembles when Caitlyn curls inside of her, hitting the spot that’s sensitive and spongy over and over and then Maddie’s walls are fluttering, pulsing around her fingers, and it’s so - so predictable. So easy. So…nothing.
Making women cum quickly was something Caitlyn always prided herself on. And Maddie was no different.
But there’s a starkness to this, an emptiness. She feels no sense of accomplishment as she reaches down to rub Maddie’s clit and the girl promptly releases on her fingers. She feels like a shadow.
Silently cringing at the mess, Caitlyn lets Maddie breathe, recover for a moment before pulling out and shoving her wet fingers back in Maddie’s mouth. Caitlyn towers over her. Clicks her tongue as she watches Maddie struggle to adjust to the intrusion.
“Suck. Get ‘em all nice and clean. That’s it.”
Maddie moans around the digits at Cait’s words, which sound foreign and warped even to her own ears, but her gut flares in blatant desire regardless. The sight of her spit and cum mixing together…
Caitlyn presses her thighs together, clit pounding. God, she’s… Maddie looks absolutely ruined, face flushed, hair tousled, thoroughly fucked. But Cait wants more.
Then…
Removing her fingers and wiping them on the sheets, she gives Maddie a peck on the lips and then leans over to rifle through the bedside drawer, where she (currently) keeps her rotation of toys. She spots the blue strap-on and grabs it, along with the harness and lube.
“You want this?” Caitlyn asks, chest heaving. She still hasn’t taken her pants off.
Maddie nods, starstruck. “Please.”
Caitlyn spends a short time getting it ready, unbuckling her pants and adjusting the straps and then finally sliding the dildo into place, groaning when she gives it a little tug and the base knocks firm against her clit.
The bottle of lube sits heavy on the mattress. Caitlyn wants to comment on how wet Maddie is already, how she wouldn’t even need it, but the words get caught in her throat. It feels too intimate, almost, a teasing remark reserved for lovers well-versed in each other’s bodies, souls, minds. Hearts. Her own aches.
“Turn around. Ass up. Can you do that for me?”
She nods again and gets into position. Says something that Caitlyn can’t hear.
Caitlyn swallows, spreads the lube generously over the head of the toy, down, down, then pulls Maddie closer to her, greedily passing over the shape of her ass, the fullness. She spits on her own hand and strokes Maddie once more, savoring how tight and velvety she feels before easing the strap inside.
The whole thing is mechanical. It means nothing. Maddie lets out these little addictive noises with each thrust, and they would be pretty to anyone else but to Caitlyn they’re ugly, it’s all ugly.
Because she isn’t her. She doesn’t sound like her. She never will be her.
That knowledge only makes Cait drive into her harder, furious and bitter and filled to the brim with self-loathing. And it feels great.
She’s no one, nothing, but Cait doesn’t care anymore, she’s pussy-drunk, and her breathing only gets more ragged when she pushes the toy in deeper and sets a pace that somehow eclipses the pleasure she felt earlier, and it’s the most lost she’s ever felt in her life but she needs more, more…
The strap-on can’t make her cum. At least, Caitlyn doesn’t think it can. But that doesn’t matter.
She wants to reach even deeper inside her, which Maddie obliges. Of course she does. She always obliges.
So Caitlyn’s hands find purchase on the girl’s hips, and fucks her harder into the mattress, obscenities flowing from both of their mouths. Caitlyn is spellbound at the nameless, shapeless slap of skin sounding out below her, all around her. Chasing, like a ghost.
She pulls out nearly all the way and feels her stomach tighten in warped pleasure when a string of slick connects to the dildo.
“C-commander! Caitlyn!” Maddie moans, hips rocking back in a futile effort to take more of Caitlyn.
Cait grants her, bottoming out. She’s close. Her head is fuzzy, swimming with the sharks. Vi. Vi. Vi.
Even though she can’t feel it fully, she still feels the presence, the warmth, the mind-spinning friction that the cock - her cock - is giving her. Each thrust a spark of heat sent straight to her core.
Moans spill out of Maddie’s mouth, other noises, and then she comes. It’s largely unceremonious.
After a few moments, Maddie reaches behind her to swipe at Cait, to warn her to pull out, which she does immediately. Her fingers shake as they race to undo the straps, and then the harness roughly hits the floor.
Caitlyn feels broken.
“Fuck,” someone says. Caitlyn thinks it’s Maddie.
Maddie goes to move, to get out of her position, but Caitlyn presses a hand down on her shoulder, preventing her from doing so.
“M’close,” she offers as an explanation, voice strained and warbly.
Caitlyn knows she’s wet, throbbing, and can feel her arousal paint her thighs. She’s a wreck. Hair undone, sweat built up on her neck.
She silently thanks the universe that Maddie’s still turned around, that she can’t see her in this state.
Fuck. Is she crying?
A single teardrop had rolled down Caitlyn’s cheek. She goes to swipe it away, but it's too late. Is all of this too late? Can I still - still be forgiven? Is that even possible?
Her allegiance to Ambessa, blinded by the burning pit of rage inside her. The gas, the fear. All for nothing. And she’d gone ahead and ruined it with the one person who saw her, too. Because Jinx. Always Jinx.
Caitlyn comes back to herself when she feels a hand cover her own. Maddie had turned around after all, and she was looking up at Cait all concerned and it was just too much.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Caitlyn responds, hollow. She flashes Maddie a disarming smile and then it’s back on again.
She mounts the girl easily. Pauses momentarily, considers how she wants to get off. Briefly thinks about fucking her mouth, but even that seems too intimate, so she just ends up locking her legs tighter around Maddie’s hips, taking a deep breath before lowering herself, bare and wet, onto the meat of Maddie’s ass.
She knows it won’t take long. But she’s embarrassed that it’s even come this far.
The hole gets smaller but…you can never fill it.
Caitlyn bites her lip, shuts her eyes. Wants to scream. None of this was fair, she didn’t want this, she’s disgusted by herself and the lonely world of terror around her. She misses…
No. She can’t think about that.
Her hands smooth over the expanse of Maddie’s back as she begins to rut into her, and from this angle she can almost imagine that she’s someone else. Someone real.
Little grunts slip from her lips, the friction reaching a tipping point every time Caitlyn tilts her hips back and then pushes forward again, dragging her clit on the smooth, abused ass under her. Another drag, another slap, and Caitlyn almost falls, has to bite her hand to muffle the noise that threatens to leak out.
It feels so good. Too good. Her mind empties as her hips snap furiously at a pace that must feel bruising to the officer. She can't bring herself to care.
Skin. Just skin. Nothing else. You are not her. You are no one.
With Maddie like this, face pressed down against the pillows, she is nothing. Caitlyn could take and take and never give anything in return.
These poisonous thoughts drip onto her like running water, icicles from a damp cave. She feels like she’s drowning, like her ears are clogged. Control she doesn’t want. Power that isn’t hers.
In truth, Caitlyn doesn't know what it is she wants. Doesn’t know if she wants to stop entirely, stop everything, or stretch it out, prolong the rare pleasure.
But it was too late to decide. One more involuntary thrust, one more slick press of taut skin against her aching clit, and a mangled moan tears from her throat. She sees violets blossom in the back of her eyelids.
Breathing all ragged, she bends down and drapes herself over Maddie’s back. Her tongue snakes out to taste the salt, the sweat. Eyes close as she imagines black ink in the space where bare skin is.
“Thank you,” Cait murmurs into her skin.
She feels sick, after. A note of surprise plays on Maddie’s face. It had never been like this before. Usually, Cait never - never let herself give in to pleasure. And especially not in such a whirlwind of emotion, to the point where everything was so blurred she didn't even know if she -
She excuses herself, rushes to the bathroom. Her hands are shaking.
Caitlyn starts to sob, just pathetic choked-out sounds from the back of her throat. Presses a curled fist below her chin to curb more from escaping, then to her eyes, and sees Vi behind them.
Her savior, her thief. The light of her life. A name of flowers etched into stone. Permanent.
She tells Maddie that it's the last time, that they can’t do this anymore. Maddie doesn't fight it. Doesn't even seem particularly disappointed, just…resigned. She collects her things, and right before they part, takes one final look into Caitlyn’s eyes and sees nothing, nothing.