Work Text:
It had been years since he last saw Viktor's face.
Walking into the academy gardens, he found Viktor in the exact place he last saw him. when he told Viktor he was done with him, with them.
He always regretted that decision. He wished Viktor had pushed back, had fought more against his decision to break things off between them. Maybe he would’ve stayed if his partner fought for them. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so impulsive if he knew how badly Viktor needed him. Maybe he wouldn't be on death’s bed if Jayce didn't leave.
But it's far too late to have regrets.
Viktor sat in a wheelchair next to a bed of marigolds, a freshly picked flower being inspected in his hand. His skin looked sickly pale next to the bright orange. His fingers fragile and thin, the single marigold bigger than his entire hand. His eyes bagged more than Jayce had ever seen them before, his face drooping with an exhaustion that not even the days they spent pulling back-to-back all nighters in college could compare to.
It was simple to see, he was dying.
The day Jayce last saw Viktor, he was mad. they both were. Yet Viktor always handled the flowers with such care, even as Jayce screamed at him for being so reckless again. Viktor was always pale, especially in contrast to the marigolds he seemed particularly drawn to, but he was healthy. At least, as healthy as a chronically ill man could be on a given day.
But he was a fighter, had a passion for life that made him as bright as the flowers he loved. In Jayce's eyes, Viktor was the sun, and he couldn't believe he had the privilege of holding the sun in his hands.
It is why seeing Viktor so careless with himself made him so deeply angry. He doesn't know when exactly Viktor fully lost that fiery passion to live, but when he did, Jayce couldn't handle it anymore.
They fought so much up until that day in the garden. Jayce tried again and again to get Viktor to talk to him, to care about his own life and to stop putting himself at death’s door for minor research discoveries. If Viktor got himself killed in one of their endeavors because Jayce couldn't talk him out of this self-sabotaging spiral, he wouldn't be able to forgive himself. And yet, his actions did that anyways.
Jayce is ripped out of his own spiral by the sound of coughing. The nurse sitting next to Viktor rubs his back and asks if he wants to go back to his room. Viktor shakes his head no and for the first time in years, Jayce hears his voice.
“No, Nurse Young, I'm okay. Let’s stay out here for just a little more.”
Jayce can't wait anymore. He reveals himself to Viktor, his metal leg brace creaking loudly as he nears, and Viktor turns his head towards him. They lock eyes for the first time in years.
There's an inkling of surprise in Viktor's eyes, but it seems to Jayce that no emotion could overpower how tired his partner is.
Nurse Young stands up. “Come get me when you’re done,” she comments to Jayce, resting her hand on Viktor's shoulder as she leaves to walk back inside the building.
There's another minute of silence before Jayce lets out a soft sigh. “Viktor..”
He had thought about everything he wanted to say to his partner the entire trip back to the academy, But yet.. He still couldn't get any words out aside the small whisper of his partner’s name.
Instead of speaking, he walked over to the bench next to Viktor and sat down, taking his partner’s cold hand into his two warm ones. Viktor doesn't protest, but he does tear his eyes away from Jayce's gaze and looks down at the flower in his hands. Jayce's eyes linger on Viktor's face before falling to their enclosed hands.
Viktor has never had delicate hands. They were small, but roughened with callouses from their engineering work. They were boney and thin, but steady and precise as to make sure every part of their inventions were in perfect placement.
Jayce wonders how long his partner hasn't been able to work with his hands. it must be longer than he thought. Viktor's hand trembles lightly in his own, his callouses softened. Years. Only years of non-use could revert decades of tinkering to such fragility.
Years jayce should have been by his side. Years they will never get back.
Neither are quite sure how long they sit in silence before Viktor speaks up, voice quiet and shallow.
“Nothing you do now will fix us.”
Jayce's eyes whip from their joined hands to look Viktor in the eyes. they’re glossy, like he’s holding back tears. Jayce is glad Viktor isn't looking at him. He would see that Jayce is holding them back too.
Jayce inhales. “I know,” he shakily replies, “I know nothing will ever take back what I've done to you.”
Viktor finally looks back into Jayce's eyes, tired. “Then why are you here?”
Jayce stares into Viktor's eyes with guilt he knows he will never be able to let go. He raises their conjoined hands to his lips and kisses Viktor's knuckles, never breaking eye contact with his partner.
“Because I never should have left.”
A moment passes before a single teardrop falls down Viktor's face. Jayce brings up a hand to wipe it off his cheek, a sad smile gracing his lips before he leans down to press a gentle kiss to Viktor's eyelid. The action makes Jayce's tears start to fall silently.
“I promised you I wouldn't, and I still did. and I will regret that decision for the rest of my life." Jayce squeezes his eyes shut, trying to will away his tears. They keep falling anyway.
Viktor brings a hand up to caress Jayce’s cheek in the same way the other man just did for him. Jayce opens his eyes to be met with a bittersweet smile on a face that should never look as tired or heartbroken as Viktor’s now is.
“Jayce..” fuck he missed the way his name fell from his partner’s lips. “What’s done is done, we can't go back now.”
Jayce knows this. But hearing it from the mouth of his first and only love? It shreds through his heart like it's just a sheet of paper. Jayce crouches in on himself as he lets out a gut-wrenching sob. And then another. And then another.
Viktor, oh gentle and kind as ever Viktor, wraps his arms around Jayce and guides him into the crook of his neck and shoulder. Jayce balls his hands into Viktor's shirt, gripping until his hands go white and numb and sobs into his partner’s body.
He almost doesn't notice the hand on his back shakily drawing intricate designs, blueprints and schematics Jayce could probably recognize if he wasn't so overcome with so many emotions. Fear, love, guilt, bitterness. Just as he thinks he’ll stop sobbing, Jayce lets out another wrenching cry.
“I'm sorry. I’m so so sorry. For leaving, for everything, for us turning out the way we have. I’m sorry. I love you viktor, I never stopped loving you and never will-” Jayce is cut off by his own sob. He doesn't think his cries will ever end.
Viktor leans down to press a soft kiss in Jayce's hair and speaks so quietly, Jayce almost misses it, “I know. I never stopped loving you too.” He brings a hand up to run through Jayce’s grown out strands, lips moving against his hair in the same manner used to console him whenever he had a bad day. “I know you will never forgive yourself, but I hope you can learn to, because I do.”
Jayce's sobs have stopped, but the tears still fall. He inhales shakily before responding, but it does nothing to settle his racing heart.
“Why?”
Viktor pulls Jayce away from his body to look him in the eyes and drag a thumb through the damp streaks on his partner’s face. Jayce doesn't understand how Viktor is still smiling. It's a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. It makes Jayce want to believe that Viktor missed him as much as he missed viktor.
When the words leave Viktor's mouth, Jayce realizes how much he never deserved viktor.
“I don't want to die hating the only person I ever truly loved.”
In a strike of impulsivity, Jayce rushes forward to press his lips against his partner’s. He kisses Viktor with a soft passion, enough to show him how much he is loved by Jayce. Viktor's lips are cold and chapped, Jayce's are warm and scarred, yet neither seem to mind.
Viktor is the one to pull away for breath. Jayce feels the need to stay as physically close to Viktor as possible, so he leans their foreheads together and shuts his eyes. They’re both panting softly, overwhelmed by everything, yet completely at peace with each other.
When Jayce opens his eyes, Viktor is staring at him with a vulnerability he has never seen before. Not even during their best and worst times together as lovers. Viktor stares at him with the vulnerability of a dying man who is about to tell his love what to do when he passes.
“Jayce...” Viktor hesitates. Viktor never hesitates. He's scared. Viktor is never scared.
“Stay. Please stay this time.”
Jayce's face immediately falls. The idea that Viktor thought he would leave again… He thought his heart couldn't shatter into more pieces than it already was.
“Viktor,” Jayce brings both of his hands to Viktor's face to cradle it. “Of course. I won't ever leave you again, you hear me? I can't. I will stay forever if you’ll have me. I will lay with you in silence. I will chat your ears off until you can't stand me anymore. Whatever you want, I don't care. All I want is to be with you for as long as we have left together.”
Viktor leans into the touch of Jayce's right hand, eyes fluttering shut as a soft, content sigh leaves his lips. Jayce wishes he could freeze time in this moment, the first moment in years he has seen Viktor at ease, in peace. Like he has nothing to worry about anymore now that jayce is holding him.
They stay like that for who knows how long before Jayce moves to rest Viktor’s head on his shoulder, one of Viktor’s hands landing on Jayce’s thigh. It’s odd, assuming such a familiar position with a familiar person, yet they look completely different. They've aged, but they're still them, even if they haven’t seen each other grow.
Viktor was scared he wouldn't recognize the person his partner had become. After Jayce left, he was left with countless hours to ponder what the man will do with his life. He spent too many thinking about Jayce. But a part of him recognized the Jayce that stood in the academy garden just now, even before he opened his mouth.
He realized at that moment that all he wanted to do was hold his lover. All he wanted to do was let go of the pain he had held onto for years. It didn't matter what Jayce had done in the past anymore, Viktor wanted him in the present. He wanted to be with him from now until his final moments, the short time they have left.
The academy garden is always quiet, it always will be. The birds will always chirp as students walk through in the spring. The marigolds will bloom and die and bloom again. Jayce will sit in the peaceful quiet, watching the world keep rotating despite his presence. Every memory of his will always be ingrained in the life around him, leaving no room for guilt anymore.