Chapter Text
Izuku sat on the couch, bundled up and cozy on a winter evening in their apartment. His half-finished grading lay in a scattered pile on the coffee table; his class hadn’t done particularly well on this exam, but he couldn’t focus on them. His eyes kept getting drawn to his boyfriend’s figure as he dried off from the shower in the bedroom. He could barely see his lean muscles through the doorway from the couch.
Izuku and Shindo had started dating not long after graduating, they had both managed to find a spot at Hawk’s agency and had been sidekicks together. While Izuku still had the last embers of One for All, he had been a heavy hitter of a sidekick and had become a favorite in the agency. They had found each other after one particularly harsh villain fight, bloody and beaten but victorious, and Shindo had made his move on him. Their romance was a whirlwind and was just as intense as their personalities. That was until Izuku had to quit hero work.
Things had slowed down a lot this last year or so. Izuku had used up the last shreds of One for All that he had stubbornly held onto, and was forced out of hero work for his own safety. It had been hard for him to accept, if he accepted it at all, but he had taken a spot teaching at UA. He loved his students and he loved teaching, he really did, but it was a hard pill to swallow. It had been hard for Shindo too, for a while the subject led to blow up arguments and tears as Izuku struggled to come to terms with the loss of his quirk. Shindo had been a rock for him, had stayed, had picked him up every time he crashed out. Shindo had been a good partner.
As they settled into their new normal, though, things had changed. Their dynamic wasn’t what it had been. Izuku couldn’t name exactly what it was, but he just felt… less than. Gradually they became less equal partners, and more of strained roommates. Izuku felt bad asking for things from Shindo, and Shindo ensured that Izuku knew that his requests were a burden on him. Shindo treated Izuku like a fragile thing, but not one that he particularly wanted. He would rarely touch Izuku, citing worry about hurting him. When he did it wasn’t with the same firm and confident grabs and pushes that he was used to, it felt lackluster. Like his heart wasn’t in it.
And maybe it wasn't. Maybe that is why Izuku was resorting to hungrily staring at his boyfriend from a room away while he got ready for bed. That was another thing that bothered Izuku; Shindo didn’t go to sleep with him anymore. Before they would wait for each other, falling asleep in each other's arms. Now he would quietly get into bed, and Izuku was lucky if he got to spoon him.
He sighed and shuffled the papers and mess into a somewhat organized pile, before standing up. He stretched his arms and legs, feeling a twinge of something ugly as he felt his waning muscles pop. Maybe it made sense why Shindo was so careful with him now..
He looked over and his boyfriend was already crawling into bed, his eyes meeting Izuku’s for a moment before he rolled over.
Izuku turned off the lights in the rest of the apartment and made sure the door was locked, before he shuffled into the bedroom. He changed quickly into pajamas in the dark, insecure about his leaner body. Izuku slid into bed behind Shindo, daring to spoon him and wrap his arm around him. Shindo gave a small sigh but didn’t pull away this time.
Izuku could be happy like this, but part of him wanted more. He gently moved his arm that was wrapped around Shindo lower.
“Izuku,” Shindo said tiredly, “I don’t have the energy for that.”
“I-I just wanted y-you,” Izuku said pitifully, “You don’t even have to do anything, I can do all the work! Really!”
“Izuku, no.” Shindo said with finality, pushing Izuku’s arm off of him.
Izuku felt tears well in his eyes and his breath caught in a sickening bubble in his throat. This was fine. Shindo was fully in his rights to say no. That didn’t stop that ugly feeling from clawing its way up his chest though. He felt embarrassment and shame and disgust with himself burn in his chest and claw outwards. He truly wasn’t desirable, he knew he wasn’t anymore. He was just a plain boy that would slowly fade back into nothing again.
Izuku rolled onto his other side and hugged his pillow to his chest, trying to not cry and disturb Shindo’s sleep. He was important, he was a hero, he was helping people.
Izuku would fall asleep that night curled into a small ball, spiraling into darkness.
---
The next morning was rough. Izuku’s throat was dry and scratchy, his eyes were puffy from unshed tears and nose was stuffed. He had half a mind to call out, get one of the other teachers to help take his classes for the day so he could recover. But Izuku wouldn’t do that, the self sacrificing shit he was.
Izuku sat up in the empty bed, and padded to the bathroom, the floor cold on his bare feet. He felt empty, scooped out, like someone had cracked him open and taken everything essential from him.
He eyed himself in the mirror, his pajamas hung off of him looser than they used to, his arms were thinner, lacking the definition he had before. He swears that he was a bit shorter too, but he could just be crazy. His eyes were glassy and held deep bags beneath.
Izuku splashed water on his face and scrubbed away the foul feelings and grogginess the best he could. He went through his morning routine almost mechanically, not wanting to focus too much or that ugly feeling would just claw its way out of his chest again. He had gotten better at this part at least, taking a step out of himself and just going on autopilot.
He was halfway down the street before he was jostled back into himself, feeling a hand slam down on his shoulder. He jumped, his instincts kicking in, causing him to grab the hand and move to throw them over his shoulder. His muscles flexed and his feet moved, but nothing happened.
“Midobro!” Izuku heard a voice from behind him exclaim with a bubble of laughter.
“Kirishima,” Izuku sighed, turning to see the sturdy hero in full costume.
“What are you up to? You looked like a zombie, bro!” Eijiro laughed, smiling down at him.
“Just heading to work,” Izuku told him, his voice coming out smaller than he had hoped, “Got to teach the future heroes!”
“Amazing!” Eijiro smiled down at him, “Want a buddy to walk with you?”
“Oh I couldn’t ask you for that,” Izuku muttered, face heating.
“Nonsense, bro,” Eijiro said happily,” Patrol is slow and I gotta keep my Number One safe!”
Izuku tensed, feeling the comment hit him in the chest. He wasn’t a hero anymore and now Kirishima felt like he needed to protect him. Such a small comment made that ugly feeling start to simmer in him again.
“Okay,” Izuku muttered, feeling small and weak all over again.
They walked in silence for a few beats, making their way towards UA in the early morning crowd.
“What have you been up to, Kirishima-kun?” Izuku asked, trying to not suck every bit of joy out of their walk.
“Bro! Didn’t you hear?” Eijiro asked, suddenly smiling like the sun.
“No? I guess not,” Izuku said, giving him a small smile.
“Me and Katsuki got an apartment together! We’re right downtown!,” Eijiro gushed.
“Oh?” Izuku said, trying to be happy for his friends.
“Yeah! We just finished moving a few weeks ago! You should totally come over for our house-warming party!” Kirishima beamed down at him.
“I can try, I don’t know if Shindo would want to come, though,” Izuku said, scratching the back of his neck nervously.
“That’s okay, bro! You can come on your own if he doesn’t want to!” Eijiro said, “We miss you Midobro, I’ve barely seen you since you stopped doing hero work.”
Eijiro’s smile flickered for a moment, before dropping to a more comforting one as he put a hand on Izuku’s shoulder.
“If you won’t come for me, come for Katsuki. He won’t admit it but he misses you too.”
Izuku’s breath stuttered at Eijiro’s touch, “I-i, Uhm. Okay.”
Kirishima’s smile grew blinding again as he pulled the shorter man into a hug.
“Can’t wait, Midobro!” Eijiro said, beaming and letting him go, “See you soon!”
Izuku barely had a moment to say goodbye before Eijiro started walking away. He looked up and saw the gates of UA behind him. He had been so engrossed talking to Eijiro he hadn’t even noticed that they stopped moving.
Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad of a day today.