Chapter Text
~✨🌙✨~
He was just a little thing.
Sitting alone in the train compartment, drowning in a jumper worn out at the elbows. His sandy blonde hair was a mess, like he was trying to hide behind it, and he stared down into the book in his lap.
He was alone, and inconspicuous, and there was absolutely no reason that he drew Sirius’ attention.
But the small glimpse of him through the compartment window stayed with the other boy. Even as James tried to drag him further down the hall, towards the snack trolley. Something about the hunch of his shoulders and the way he tapped his shoe against the floor.
It sparked his curiosity, it drew him in like a moth to the flame.
He managed to wrestle out of James’ grip, much to his friend’s annoyance, and stumbled back towards the door. He shoved it open, slipped inside, and slammed it behind him, making the boy in the seat jump harshly.
He leaned back against the door, wedging himself in such a way that James had no hope of opening it, and tried for a charming smile.
“Hi, hello, sorry about this. That bastard meant to kidnap me, can you believe it?” He joked, wincing when the door handle dug into his arm. James was on the other side, yelling and yanking on it.
The boy looked at him with large green eyes, brows furrowed in confusion. There was a silvery line of a scar that went over the edge of his mouth, which was parted like he wanted to say something, but was unsure what.
That’s alright, Sirius could talk enough for the both of them.
“He’s rich as can be, but expects me to buy him something off the trolley. Rude if you ask me, not my fault he misplaced his coin bag. Sirius Black, nice to meet you.” He grinned, extending a hand. It was a bit of a stretch to reach out and keep the door closed at the same time, but he managed.
The boy hesitated, looking Sirius up and down, but his mouth twitched and he took his hand.
It was warm, and rougher than Sirius had expected, the grip was light and hesitant.
“Remus Lupin,” he answered, smiling.
Sirius thought it was a very nice smile.
Suddenly he lost his grip on the handle and it jerked away. He stumbled forward unbalanced, and fell to the compartment floor, James landing unceremoniously on top of him.
“Ow! Fucker, get off!” He growled, doing his best to hit behind him. James just laughed.
“Serves you right,” he dodged the blows easily, pinning Sirius’ arms beneath his knees. “Harassing some poor first year like this.”
“We’re- gah- first years-too,” Sirius grunted, squirming.
Remus laughed, light and low, and it was just as nice as his smile.
“It’s alright, I don’t mind,” he chuckled, moving his feet out of the way of one of Sirius’ flailing arms he had managed to get free.
“Well thank God for that!” James grinned, “My name’s James, good to meet you.”
“Remus.”
“Sorry about Sirius, he’s just like that, always has been.”
“You’re friends then?”
“Bitter enemies actually. The Blacks and the Potters go back a ways, we go to each other’s Christmas parties.” James joked, digging his elbow into Sirius’s ribs.
“Which I won’t live to see if you don’t get your fat arse off of me,” Sirius gasped, feigning breathlessness and kicking his legs.
James had mercy on him then, and let him up, dragging him into the seat opposite of Remus. Sirius made sure to get in one last kick at his shin.
“What are you reading?” Sirius asked, ignoring James reaching into his pocket to steal some coins.
“Uh, it’s a muggle book my friend lent me. It’s got a wizard in it, but nothing like the real thing,” Remus smiled crookedly, his voice soft spoken but firm.
“Wicked,” Sirius grinned, “I’ve never seen a muggle book before, mum would blow a gasket. Can I have a look?”
“Sure, though it’s not much different than a normal one.”
He was right, the only real difference being the content and a flimsy paper cover. By the time Sirius tossed it back, James returned with an armful of sweets, throwing a chocolate frog straight into Sirius’ head. Remus’ eyes went wide at the sight of it all, and soon there were wrappers strewn around them and on the ground.
The train ride was long, but it felt short in their company. The compartment was warm, and full of sweets, books, and Remus’ hesitant laughter.
It was enough to make Sirius forget his worries, the look on his mothers face as he boarded the train, the tight grip of his father’s hand on his shoulder.
That was all behind him now, and looking out the window of the train, looming like a promise, Hogwarts was ahead.
~✨🌙✨~
Remus Lupin was certain he was going mad again.
It had happened before, though that time had been different, and far more bearable.
He had Sirius back then.
Or maybe he only thought he did, it was hard to tell anymore. Was there ever any boy with a blinding smile next to him at the table, or was there only ever Sirius Black: traitor.
The whiskey dripped from his hand down onto the table, spilled because he couldn’t stop shaking.
The first time Remus felt mad was when he was very young, before he started Hogwarts. When he would be locked away in a shed, sweating through his clothes, body contorting in pain.
He felt sure he would snap, would never come back from being that… thing. It all just blurred together until he couldn’t tell where he started and the monster ended.
And then there was Remus and James and Peter and Lily, and slowly he gained himself back.
And now…. Now he was back to where he started, spilling out all around the edges, held together only by patched up clothes and cheap alcohol.
It had only been a week…
He downed the rest of the whisky all at once, his throat burning. It wasn’t enough.
James would be so disappointed in him, he could almost hear him now.
“C’mon now Moony, you’re better than this.”
But he wasn’t, he really wasn’t, it was James and Lily who kept him right. It was Sirius and his gentle hands in his hair. Without them, he was what his father always saw, what he had tried so hard not to be.
… Fuck, he was tired.
Eventually he found his way back to his room, the inn he was holed up in dark and dingy, but at least there was a door to close and a bed.
He collapsed onto the ratty mattress, closing his eyes, doing his best not to think.
It was many hours before he managed to fall asleep.
In the end, it was Minerva who found him. Remus thought he might never live down the shame of his old teacher seeing him like this, scruffy and unkempt, in the worst of the worst places, slumped over a glass of gin in a booth.
But she didn’t say anything, only looked at him with the same horribly unreadable expression she always did, and took him back to his room.
She made him shower, and fixed him some tea. She forced him to sit and drink it, even though he objected, and by the end, he was feeling somewhat human again.
Somewhat.
“What are you doing here, professor?” He rasped out, when he could bear to talk again. He kept his head down.
Her eyes were sharp and heavy on him, “I came here to put an end to whatever this is. Dumbledore is content to leave you to your grief, but I am not.”
Remus hummed, “Dumbledore’s right,” he said, voice soft, “I’m better off left alone.”
“Once again, I seem to be the only person left from this God-forsaken war with any sense!” she snapped, making him jolt in surprise and squint at her.
“…Are you… angry with the headmaster?” He guessed, rubbing at his temple to stave off the forming headache.
She didn’t answer, crossing her arms and standing to pace. She stopped after a moment, whirling around.
“I know you think this is the end of it all, that it’s over now. But it’s not, Remus, we need you now more than ever.”
Remus bristled, “The war is over, it ended with Lily and James. You lot have taken everything from me,” he spat, “I have nothing left to give. Leave me alone.”
“Remus John Lupin, you are twenty one years old. Stop speaking as though your life is over,” she stalked forward, leaning down to look him in the eye, “You’re right, there is nothing more the order can ask from you. But I’m not talking about the Order.”
Remus paused.
“I’m talking about Harry.”
A guilt settled in Remus so deep, it felt like it might break him.
Harry.
“I wish you had been there mate, he said it clear as day. C’mon Harry, say it again, will you? Say ‘Moony.’”
Harry who was miraculously alive and well, and safe. Far away from him.
He was safer away from him.
“Dumbledore… he’s taking care of him, he told me. Harry’s better off without me,” he choked, looking away.
“That’s just the thing,” Minerva hissed, “I don’t believe he is.”
He stilled, watching her carefully. She ran a hand down her face.
“He put him with Lily’s sister. I watched the place, Remus, they were so- so… I can’t explain it. But I’m worried. The headmaster is content, as he is with you, to simply leave things be. To take a step back. But… I don’t believe they’ll love him, not like they should.”
Her eyes were once again on him, and it made his whole body feel cold.
“He needs you Remus. So get better, if not for yourself, than for that boy.”
Maybe Remus didn’t believe it yet, but the seed had been planted, and it would not leave.
Harry needed him.
So he would get better.
~✨🌙✨~