Chapter Text
The day Jules is supposed to donate a part of her liver to Doug, Mika shows up fifteen minutes later than she said she would. Not because she was falling behind on the way to Grey Sloan, but because she stood outside the hospital for what felt like forever before finding the nerve to walk through the front doors.
It shouldn’t have been so hard. Mika spent months working with her supervisor, Dr. Manning, upstairs in the lab, perfecting the new implant they’re working on and testing it on the mice. And of course, mice aren’t people, but there’d been patients around and, yeah, Mika still felt Chloe's presence every time the world slowed down enough for her to think about her. But it had been bearable. Peripheral. She could see the patients and keep herself separate from them because they weren’t Chloe. They weren’t Mika’s the way Chloe was.
The way Jules is.
Not that Jules is really hers. She was, or she could have been, but Mika ruined that a long time ago. Still Mika can’t shake the thought, however unjustified, that it’s her girl in there waiting to go under the knife.
Her girl, who Mika promised she would show up for.
At that thought, Mika grits her teeth, puts on her big girl face, and finally manages to make her feet do what she wants them to.
It isn’t hard to find Jules’ room. Mika remembers these hallways better than she thought she would, and though the aesthetics of the hospital have changed somewhat, the base architecture has not.
When Mika steps into Jules’ room, the space is already filled. Maxine sits in the chair next to Jules’ bed, smiling and at ease. Blue and Simone have found other, smaller chairs, and are sitting a little further away with Lucas standing between them. They’re all laughing at something. A joke Mika missed.
Mika’s gaze drifts to the table beside Jules’ bed, which holds a bouquet of yellow and purple asters and box of sweets that Mika assumes is for after the surgery. Maybe Mika should have stopped at the gift shop…
“Hey.” Jules is all smiles and warmth as she greets Mika. “How are you doing?”
“I think I’m supposed to be the one asking you that,” Mika teases fondly.
She keeps her eyes on Jules’ face, avoiding any acknowledgement of the hospital gown Jules is wearing because every time she does acknowledge it, Mika’s heart stutters.
“A little uncomfortable,” Jules admits. “I feel like this thing is barely covering me.” she tugs at the fabric of the gown, forcing it to the centre of attention.
Mika ties and fails to swallow down her unease. “It looks fine from here,” she mumbles.
Jules tilts her head, ever so slightly, examining Mika closely before she seems to come to a decision “Can Mika and I have a minute?” she requests, turning to the others. “I think this room is above max capacity,” she adds. “And I’m already on thin ice with the nurses for being related to Doug.”
It must be a joke, because Lucas snorts and Max chuckles softly under her breath while Blue and Simone smirk at Jules. Mika can’t seem to find anything funny right now, but she forces out a demented chuckle which, kindly, no one comments on.
“I think I need a coffee anyway,” Max decides.
“I can show you where the good coffee is,” Blue offers.
“There’s good coffee?” Lucas questions.
“Better coffee,” Blue concedes.
“And we need to check on our own patients,” Simone says, nodding toward Lucas. “Nice to see you Yasuda.”
Mika moves aside so that the herd can corral themselves out the door, doing her best to look put together.
“Will we see you around later?” Lucas asks hopefully as they pass.
“Yeah.” Mika nods, feigning confidence. “I have the day off, so I’ll be here.” She forces a smile, wanting to show that she can joke too. “Bothering you guys.”
“Great,” Blue returns sarcastically from somewhere in the hall. “It’s not like we have work to do.” A pause. “But I’m off in a few hours if you want me to come find you.”
“I am too. We’re all happy to have you around,” Simone tells Mika. She’s the last to leave and she pats Mika’s shoulder as she does, glancing meaningfully between Mika and Jules. “And when I say all of us…” She nods her head subtly in Jules’ direction, a knowing smile on her face.
Mika nods jerkily. “Thanks. I’ll text you guys.”
And then they’re all gone and it’s just Jules and Mika. Jules pats the seat that Max left empty and Mika slowly crosses the room to lower herself into it.
“So?” Jules asks. “How are you?”
Mika rolls her eyes. “I’m fine.”
Jules stares at Mika, like she’s searching her eyes for a real answer.
“So, uh, how’s Doug?” Mika prods, trying to change the subject.
“A pain in my ass,” Jules grumbles. “He keeps trying to convince the nurses he’s allowed to have hot dogs. When he’s not being gross and hitting on them.”
“He can’t eat before surgery,” Mika says automatically. Obviously, Jules knows that. “Has he come to see you?”
“I went to see him this morning but I can only stand him in small doses. You know he hasn’t even thanked me?” She shakes her head. “Not that I expected him to.”
“I do,” Mika objects, irked on Jules’ behalf. Jules raises her eyebrows and Mika’s ears burn. “I mean I would. If he were my brother.”
“Yeah, well your brother sounds a lot better than mine,” Jules mutters. “It’s too bad Doug is the one we both met.” She brightens a little. “I think I would like yours.”
Mika’s heart clenches. “Yeah.”
Jules might have met her brother, Rey, already, if their lives had been different. Chloe had liked Jules and Rey would have liked her too. All of Mika’s family would have. Jules could have come over for the holidays one year or she could have been Mika’s plus one at her sister’s wedding last fall. Chloe would have teased them mercilessly and Mika’s mom would have made Jules feel like family.
Everything could have been so different. Mika looks into Jules’ eyes and can’t help but feel cheated of the life they could have had. What they’d started back then, it had been so easy. Falling into each other like that was the only thing that made sense to do.
What would they be now, if they’d just kept falling? Would they have created something beautiful in these two years? Could they have taken it slow and savoured every step? Telling their friends and their family in their own time. Learning each other as thoroughly and as reverently as the surgeries they studied for so carefully? Could they have had a first time that was about finding each other and not escaping something? That didn’t end in Mika sobbing in Jules’ arms?
Jules, who showed time and time again that she’d show up no matter what. Mika’s ever present, ever patient guardian angel.
The accident had taken all that away. Or Mika had. Maybe either way it was her fault.
She looks at Jules now and feels, more sharply than she ever has, that they lost something together that they can never get back. The regret is so thick she can barely breathe through it.
Worse than that though, far worse than that, is the fear. She sees Jules in that hospital gown, looking so much like the hospital gown that Chloe wore during her last days, and thinks I’m going to lose her. Even if I ask to try again right now, even if by some miracle Jules lets us, it’s too late. I’m gonna lose her. She’s gonna go someplace that I can never reach her.
It would be just like that last, perfect, moment they had in the scrub room. A promise that was never going to be kept, at least not in the way they way it should have been. Sparkling at the edge of catastrophe.
I’m about to lose her.
I can’t do this.
“Mika?”
The sound of Jules’ concern brings Mika back to herself enough for her to realize she’s trembling.
“I-I… I just need a minute,” she chokes out, shooting to her feet.
Jules’ shoulders sink, disappointment clouding her eyes long enough for Mika to recognize it. Then she puts on a strained smile, nodding like she understands.
“It’s OK,” she soothes, gentle even as Mika starts to back away. “Max is gonna be back soon, she can stay with me until I have to go to the operating room.”
It’s not OK, but Mika can’t stop herself. She bolts out of the room, sprinting blindly down the hallway.
What am I doing? What’s wrong with me?
She’s gonna die. I’m gonna lose her too. Why is this happening-
“Woah!”
Gentle hands catch Mika by the shoulders, stopping her from running face first into their owner.
“Yasuda?” It’s Bailey, big brown eyes round with concern. “What’s going on?”
Mika wheezes, choking back a sob. “Please don’t let her die.”
“What?” Bailey frowns, taking a few seconds to process. “You mean Millin?”
“You can’t let her die,” Mika begs. “Please. Don’t lose her. Not her. Not again.”
Bailey purses her lips, looking past Mika and down the hall towards Jules’ room before turning back to her. “Come with me.”
Like she’s walking through a haze, Mika lets Dr. Bailey lead her into an empty meeting room. She stands rigidly next to one of the office chairs, watching as Bailey closes the door and makes sure the blinds are shut.
“Sit.” Dr. Bailey instructs. “Breathe.”
Mika does as she’s told, struggling to keep her breaths even. Bailey takes a seat in one of the nearby chairs, rolling herself over to Mika so that they’re face to face with each other.
“You were going to check on Jules,” Mika realizes belatedly. She frowns, feeling like a phone with too many files on it, dull and lagging. “I’m getting in your way.”
“You let me worry about that,” Dr. Bailey objects. “We’re not in any rush. Do you know how to calm yourself down? Has anyone taught you techniques?”
They have, and Mika employs several of them now, glad that Bailey hasn’t turned on a light because it’s easier in the grey semi-darkness. Grounding her feet. Finding things in the room to focus on. It takes some time but, eventually, with one last dizzying lurch, the world stops spinning.
Mika drops her head into her hands, shame surfacing now that her terror is starting to die down. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles. “That was really unprofessional.”
“It’s not unprofessional if you don’t work here,” Dr. Bailey reminds her kindly. “You’re just a…” She pauses, as if searching for the word. “A friend of a patient, who’s having an understandable reaction to a stressful situation.”
Nothing about this is understandable. “I really thought I was gonna be OK,” Mika laments dully into her palms. She sighs, lifting her head. “I’m so sorry, Dr. Bailey. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. I’m just so… I just….”
I’m so scared Jules is gonna die here too.
But if she says it out loud, it might grow teeth, and she can’t let this feeling get any bigger than it already is.
“I am not going to let anything happen to Millin, or her brother,” Bailey assures her. “I can’t promise that there won’t be complications. You know that no surgeon can promise that.”
Mika nods because of course she knows that. Logically, she knows everything that Dr. Bailey is saying right now.
“But I can tell you that it’s a relatively low risk procedure, which I’ve done dozens of times without any problems.”
“And how many times have you lost someone?”
It’s like someone else is talking for her and Mika wonders for a second time what the hell is wrong with her. She doesn’t want to know that. She doesn’t want to make Dr. Bailey answer that.
“Once,” Dr. Bailey admits, lifting her index finger.
Ice spreads through Mika’s chest, but she’s glad that Dr. Bailey is being honest with her. It makes Mika trust her more.
“She doesn’t even know how much I love her.”
What the actual fuck is wrong with Mika today? Did she really just say that out loud? To her former boss?? Dr. Bailey still writes recommendations for her!
“Well.” Dr. Bailey laughs lightly. With her, not at her, Mika thinks. She certainly doesn’t sound surprised. “I can think of one way you can solve that problem.”
Mika stares pleadingly at her. “It’s a lot more complicated than that.”
“Relationships are complicated,” Bailey informs her. “That’s what happens when you grow up. Time passes, complications accumulate, and it all gets-” She waves her hands around, eyes glinting in amusement. “Messy.”
“How am I supposed to get it all in order again?” Mika asks, longing for the simple love she missed out on.
Bailey smiles sympathetically. “You don’t. Not all of it. But that’s OK,” she adds, as Mika’s shoulders drop. “Messy isn’t always bad, and you don’t have to decide all of it right now. Let’s start with something simple, OK?”
Mika nods, clutching at the lifeline she’s being thrown. God, she missed the people here. Even if this place is still haunted for her, at one point it was home.
“Where do you want to be, right now?” Dr. Bailey asks. “Do you want to leave? Do you want to sit in the waiting room?”
“I want to be with Jules,” Mika answers without hesitation.
“Are you sure?” Bailey checks. “I’m sure she’d understand if you have to wait for her at home.”
She would. Sweet, ever understanding Jules would be disappointed but she wouldn’t be angry. Mika trusts Jules enough to be sure of that.
“I know. I want to stay.”
Mika’s sure of that too. She can’t stop the surgery by leaving, all that will do will make her feel even more helpless if something does happen. No, she wants to be here with Jules. For better or worse and no matter how messy things between them are. Mika didn’t fall in love with Jules because it was easy, she fell in love with her because Jules is one of the most remarkable people Mika has ever met. She’s worth figuring out complicated for.
Dr. Bailey nods. “OK then.”
She starts to get up and Mika is about to follow her when the door bursts open and Skywalker comes stumbling inside like he was thrown in by the force.
“Yasuda?” He catches sight of Mika and his whole body sags with relief. “Oh good, you’re with Dr. Bailey. We were worried about you.”
“We?” Mika questions, getting to her feet and raising an eyebrow at him.
“Millin texted 911,” He explains. “Simone, Kwan, and I have been looking for you all over the hospital.”
Oh.
Affection swells inside of Mika like a wave and she bounds across the room, throwing both arms around Lucas and squeezing hard.
“Uh…” Lucas stiffens. “Mika?”
“I’m fine,” Mika assures him, squeezing tighter. “I just missed you guys.”
Lucas relaxes, hugging her back. “We missed you too.”
They let go and Mika turns to Dr. Bailey, placing a hand on her arm. “Thank you.”
Dr. Bailey twists her arm so that she’s holding Mika’s hand in both of hers. “You’re very welcome. You may not be my intern anymore, but I never stopped wanting any of you to be happy and healthy.”
Mika swallows, struggling not to cry at how cared for she feels in this moment. Even though she left. Even though she missed so much. These are still her people and she doesn’t have to do this alone.
“Take your time,” Dr. Bailey advises. “Millin’s surgery is going to be delayed a few hours anyway. We had an emergency come in and Dr. Hunt needs the OR.”
Some time to clear her head does sound like a good idea. Lucas offers to keep her company, but Mika wants to think so she politely declines, saying she'll find him later.
Grey Sloan is a beautiful hospital, wide windows letting in whatever little light Seattle has to offer, and clean, bright walls that make it feel welcoming. Mika lets her feet take her wherever they want to go, lost in her own thoughts until she looks up and finds herself at the gift shop.
An idea forms inside of Mika’s head and she smiles. Then, thinking of a future of new memories to be made, she steps inside.
/-/-/