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Mika stands at the door of Jules’ room, one hand pressed into the wood, and listens to the muffled sound of Jules sobbing on the other side. Deep, racking sobs that Mika can picture shaking her whole body.
“Jules.” Her voice cracks. She doesn’t know how this went so wrong so fast.
It was only a kiss. A heartbeat-long lapse in Mika's judgment that set Jules off like a firecracker.
Only a kiss- as if. What the hell was Mika thinking? They have rules for a reason. It could never have been only a kiss between them. That's why Mika wanted it so badly that she'd fooled herself into thinking Jules wanted it too.
“Leave me alone,” Jules chokes. She breathes in sharply enough for Mika to hear through the door. “I can't do this again. I was doing fine. I- I was fine. Until you came along.”
The accusation lodges in her chest and Mika wonders if Jules means when she reappeared a few months ago… or when they first met as interns.
“I’m sorry,” Mika squeaks. Jules is still gasping like a wounded animal and Mika just wants it to stop. “Please, I’m sorry.”
“Just go away!” Jules shouts.
Jules’ anguish is like a living thing writhing between them. Mika can hear it in the way Jules cries. Like she can’t stop herself.
Tears burn in Mika’s eyes. Her limbs let go and she slides to the floor, leaning her back against the door and fighting down a sob of her own. On the other side of the door, Jules is a mess and it’s a while before she manages to make a coherent sentence.
“Wh-why are you still here?”
“I don’t know.” Mika can barely get the words out, it’s like talking through water. But she does know. It’s because the last time she walked away from Jules it caused all this pain. So how can she do it again? “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You left me!” Jules cries. “Like I was nothing. Like I meant nothing.”
Is that what Jules really believes? Anger sparks in Mika’s belly. How can she think that? After everything they were to each other? How could that be nothing?
“That wasn’t what happened,” Mika snaps back.
“I called you. I called you for months. I sent you messages. You never answered. Y-you just left me and never looked back. Like it was easy.”
Mika clenches her fists. Nothing about that day had been easy, least of all leaving Jules. “I was sick!” she retorts furiously. “I was grieving! I didn’t even know who I was anymore. Chloe trusted me. I was supposed to protect her and I let her die. You don’t know what that’s like! So stop judging me like you do!”
Jules goes eerily quiet and as cathartic as that outburst was, Mika instantly regrets it. If Max were here, she’d have definitely dragged Mika out by the ear by now. Mika’s already on thin ice with Jules’ surrogate grandmother, a status she hasn’t really understood how much she deserves until now.
I’m not unsympathetic to what you went through and if Jules wants you in her life again that’s her choice. But I don’t think you realize how much damage you’re capable of doing, and if you break that girl’s heart again I will never forgive you.
Mika sighs, letting her head fall back against the door with a soft thud. Max was right. Of course she was.
“Jules?” Mika tries tentatively.
“Was it my fault?” Jules asks.
Mika is so taken off guard by the question that she glitches out for a few seconds.
“What?”
“W-was it because it was my fault? The car accident. Is that why you never… why you never…”
A vice squeezes down on Mika’s chest. She closes her eyes, letting her tears burn down her cheeks. She hates how broken Jules sounds.
“What are you talking about?” she mutters.
I killed Chloe. It was my fault. That’s why I had to leave. Because she was gone and I wished it had been me instead. Thought it should have been me. I still think that sometimes.
Jules sniffs. “You stayed up all night because of me. You were helping me.” She inhales sharply, her voice wobbling. “I gave you the surgery…” Another sob. “Mika, I’m so sorry. I should have let you rest but I didn’t. And then you were laying there, and you were dying and… a-and… Did I do that to you? God, did I…”
She trails off, weeping openly. Mika has never heard Jules cry like this. Didn’t know she could cry like this.
“Hey.” Mika soothes. “No, no, no. That wasn’t your fault.” She twists herself around to face the door and reaches up for the handle but it’s locked. “Can I come in? Please?”
No response. Mika presses her forehead against the door, hoping her voice can carry better through the crack along the door frame.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she insists gently. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” Mika’s not sure if she believes the second thing yet, but she’s working on it with her therapist. “You were the reason I made it through those first few weeks. The reason I wanted to. I wanted to come back to you. Still do. Please.” Her throat tightens. “Please, let me help you.”
The lock clicks above Mika’s head and the door creaks open to reveal a red-faced, wet-eyed Jules. In an instant, Mika is through the door and then they’re both sitting on the floor of Jules’ room and Mika has pulled Jules into her arms so Jules can bury her face in her chest.
“Shhh.” Mika rocks Jules gently as she cries, leaning her cheek on Jules’ hair so that her own tears must be soaking into it. “Shh, shh, shh. I’m sorry. It wasn't you. It was never you. You were never nothing to me. You matter so, so, much.” She tilts her head, kissing the side of Jules’ hair. “I’m so sorry for how much I hurt you. I wanted to call. I tried so many times and I missed you every day, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how. You're the best thing that happened to me at that hospital. One of the best things that ever happened to me. Please believe me.”
She holds Jules until she calms down. Kissing her head, stroking her hair. Telling her in every way she knows how to, how much she’s not nothing. Eventually, Jules stills, her body going slack in Mika’s arms.
“Mika?” Jules’ voice is raspy, like she has a cold.
Mika kisses her temple again. “What do you need?”
“Stay?” Jules clears her throat. “Just for tonight… Just to sleep… I can sleep on the couch-”
“I’m not making you sleep on the couch,” Mika protests.
Jules shifts against her and Mika moves to let her sit up, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Jules’ ear when Jules’ puffy red eyes meet hers.
“I’ll stay,” Mika promises.
Jules gives her a watery smile. “Yeah?”
Forever, if you want me to.
Mika cups Jules’ cheeks, using her thumbs to smooth out the tear streaks. “Yeah.”
Jules’ mouth wobbles into another small smile. She reaches up her own hands, gently wiping Mika’s cheeks, the way Mika’s wiping hers. Still trying to take care of Mika even through all the pain she’s in.
It’s from that little gesture that Mika recognizes something that she’s probably known for a while now, but has just been too dumb- or maybe too scared- to put words to. That she loves Jules. Like world upside-down, shake-up your life, pit of the soul kind of love. The kind of love that makes you stupid.
It’s as glorious as it is terrifying and Mika has no idea what to do with it.
Jules choses that moment to let go of Mika, and, dazed, Mika reluctantly pulls her own hands back to let Jules wipe her eyes on her sleeve.
“Sorry.” Jules sniffs, rubbing one eye with the front of her palm. “That was… That was a lot.”
“It’s OK,” Mika assures her.
“No.” Jules shakes her head. “I know how hard the accident is for you to talk about. I shouldn’t have brought it up like that.”
“Don’t,” Mika scolds. “Don’t treat me like I’m fragile. Whatever this is between us, it isn’t going to work if we can’t talk to each other.”
Jules sucks in a deep breath, roughly wiping the last of the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve. “I don’t know if I know how to make it work,” she admits. Mika’s heart sinks, before Jules keeps going. “But I want to try.”
Mika wants to ask Jules what exactly it is they’re trying to make work. Friends or something more? But she’s scared that if she pushes Jules too far, too fast, she’ll shatter this fragile moment of trust between them.
“Me too,” Mika agrees. She hesitates briefly before adding. “We can figure it out together.”
Light dances behind Jules’ eyes. “Together,” she agrees.
They both spend the night in Jules’ bed, not doing anything more than laying side by side. Someday, Mika hopes, she’ll make sure Jules knows exactly how she feels. She’ll show Jules with her hands and her mouth and her words until the truth of how much she loves Jules is undeniable.
But not tonight. Tonight they tear down the first of the walls between them. Tonight they are forgiven.
For now, that’s more than enough.