Chapter Text
I was always the kind of person to zone out whenever life got overwhelming or uneventful. Whether it be the small buzzing noise from the air conditioner or an object in my room that my eyes naturally gaze at far too long, I’m guilty of dozing off too easily the second life becomes too unbearable.
My sight now was focused on my blue calculator that laid on my desk, trying to look at anything else made everything around it seem blurry. That was before a dainty, pale hand waved over my dazed glance a few times.
Quickly, my gaze jumped up to Sophie in surprise. The look on her face indicated that I might have spooked her when I fell out of my trance, which is fair because my whole body tends to jump and tense up at the slightest movement.
A small, awkward smile creeped up on my face as I mumble out a weak apology. Sophie seemed a little nervous as she patted my hand. “It’s okay, Y/N. I was asking if you wrote down the notes from class? I was just asking Simon, and he said he didn’t.”
With a small nod first, I rummaged through my black school bag and pulled out the math notes from earlier today. The sight of the red binder made Sophie smile wider as she opened it up. For a brief moment I had forgotten Simon was sitting at the table, let alone in the same Math class as us. He was always very awkward and silent, which to be fair so am I.
Sophie seemed excited to show Simon the notes, scooting towards him to explain some of the problems. Simon himself seemed a bit nervous and excited? He fidgeted in his seat and watched Sophie explain how problem number thirteen was easy and needed to be solved using a certain formula. Personally it looked like Simon was too focused on Sophie’s presence to even care about math. Part of me hoped that neither of them would dig too deep into my binder, I had a tendency to doodle in there and half of them I wouldn’t want to see the light of day. My heart sank slightly at the memory of drawing, or at least trying to draw, Simon. Despite his awkward appearance and attitude towards others, he was a very cute guy. Most of the doodles were cute ones like him sleeping in class or staring at the window, while some were a bit more suggestive. The thought of that even grazing my mind made my face scrunch up.
With the most subtlety my entire body could manage, I discreetly try to look at Simon while Sophie is distracting him. The boy always wears the same grey hoodie he got from the music festival last year, same black skinny jeans, same worn down black sneakers, and black fingerless gloves that he most definitely cut the fingers out himself. His bag is usually over the shoulder, but now rests by his and Sophie’s feet under the desk. Tilting my head I try to inspect his face, his hair was on the shorter side, his face was very pale and he looks kind of ghostly to the eyes. His eyes were a dark-
Before I could process what was going on, I noticed his eyes were now on me instead of Sophie. Embarrassment flushed over my face as I now realized how strange I must’ve looked, staring down a guy I barely knew. Sophie caught on really quick the second Simon’s face went from shy and slightly flustered to a confused and uncomfortable look. She followed his gaze and met my eyes too.
I felt my face grow hot from embarrassment as Sophie tilted her head slightly at me, as if she was curious by my nonverbal actions towards Simon. “ Is everything okay? “ She questioned softly, my guess was that she was genuinely concerned. Sophie and I have been friends since grade school; we sat next to each other in English class and quickly got along after she defended me from some bullies. She’s always been kind of protective of me growing up, so it was only natural she’d pick up on my behavior right away.
I nodded rather quickly, not wanting to show any hesitation and cause further confusion. Part of me wished she’d take only my nod as an answer, but she knew me well enough to press further into the topic. “ You’re not feeling left out right? You can come sit next to me and Simon! We can all look at this together!” Sophie practically chirped out, her cute accent slipping out towards the end.
I’m quick to shake my head, noticing how tense Simon got at Sophie’s offer. “ I’m not feeling left out or anything, I’m just kinda tired is all. “ I mumbled out softly, watching Simon slowly relax his once tense shoulders once I turned down the offer. Despite Simon seeming to relax, Sophie seemed a bit disheartened at my decision.
“ Are you sure? I feel bad taking your notes and not going over it with you too.” She pouted softly, trying to reach out for my hand to keep my already exhausted attention on her. I could tell what she was thinking just by her trying to hold my hand. She was worried I’d emotionally shut down during the conversation like Simon does sometimes.
Feeling as if I’m now making a spectacle out of myself, I awkwardly maneuvered out of my chair and grabbed my bag. This somewhat made Sophie look shocked and a bit hurt, however I was quick to try and find a made up excuse to appease her. “ Don’t even worry about it. I uh” I stopped for a second, feeling Sophie and Simon’s eyes on me,” I actually have to leave for work soon. Just drop off my notes whenever Sophie.”
Before she could try and push further into it, I gave a small wave and said bye before leaving the commons in a hurry. Technically it wasn’t a lie, I did have work in about an hour or so. My descent down the stairs and out of the college was with in minutes, my heart racing as I kept thinking back to a couple of minutes ago. Why was I so flustered by the fact Simon stared back at me? Maybe it was because I was acting like a total stalker and staring him down. I cringe at the thought of his expression. He looked so uncomfortable when he made eye contact with me. Why does he look at Sophie like some love sick puppy and look at me like I’m some creep?
Shaking my head, I speed toward the train station to head to work. The look of Simon’s eyes practically bleached into my memory as I take a seat by the window. Leaning my head against the window, I try to distract myself as I wait for the train to just start already. My face grows even warmer as I can’t keep my thoughts away from the embarrassing interaction. The feeling of my phone buzzing in my bag keeps me from zoning out. Pulling it out and looking at the phone screen a message from Sophie pops up. The words are barely visible now as water covered my vision. When have I started crying? I wiped my eyes and looked at the message that popped up.
3:46 pm
Sophie : Are you sure you’re okay?? I’m worried.
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve once more before typing back.
3:47 pm
Y/n : Don’t worry, I’m fine. I’m sorry for leaving so abruptly.
Sophie : Please don’t apologize! I feel bad for not involving you more in conversation.
Y/n : It’s okay, really. If anything I feel embarrassed about making Simon uncomfortable..
Sophie : Simon?
Sophie : I doubt he was uncomfortable! He was probably just confused on why you weren’t joining in on the conversation is all!
Y/n : Really?
Sophie : Yeah! He’s just kind of awkward around people he doesn’t talk to as much. :D
Sophie : Also, when would be a good time to drop off the notes?
Y/n : oh okay. Well I have to head to work, so whenever you want to drop off the notes let me know! I get off around 11 tonight.
Sophie : Sweet okay! Also I love your drawings!
My stomach drops for a second.
Oh no.
I stare at my screen quietly as I tried to think of every single scenario in my head. What if they saw my drawings of Simon? Oh god what if they dug deeper into my binder and found more? The ideas make my chest feel heavy. The image of Simon’s face staring at some of the more indecent drawings of himself makes me feel sick to my stomach. He doesn’t know me, he probably thinks I’m some perverted freak that stalks him.
3:55 pm
Sophie : y/n?
Y/n : I’m glad you like them. Which ones did you see?
Sophie : a doodle of me and Simon talking! It was so cute!! :D
Relief washed through me as I stared numbly at my phone. Thank god .
3:56 pm
Y/n : I’m glad you liked it. I’m about to be at my stop, I’ll text you later.
Sophie : Have fun at work!
I smile warmly at the text. Sophie was the sweetest girl I knew. The train made rough noise as it halted into the station to Stockholm. The sounds of people shuffling out of the train overpowered any other smaller noises. I was quick to grab my bag and head off to work. My shift started at four, giving me only four more minutes before I was considered late. The bookstore was usually not busy this time of the week, so the boss would give me and my other coworkers atleast a fifteen minute grace period anyway.
The door had bells on the top that chimed every time it opened, which made me entering work a lot more noticeable whenever we weren’t busy. Within a moment of me clocking in, a gruff voice startled me,” Well y/n, you’re only one minute late! Honestly I’m proud!” He joked, hearty laugh filled the room.
The few customers we had could be seen looking our way, the newer customers a bit startled by the older man’s booming voice in presence. However the regulars didn’t shy away from their books, use to Alexander’s antics. My boss’s extroverted personality was one of the main factors as to why we had regulars, he was always quick to recommend books and order any we didn’t have in store.
I put on my work tag and smile meekly over to Alexander ,” I did my best to come early. The train was a bit slow today.” I tried to explain, only receiving a shoulder pat of approval from him at first. Even just a tap of force from his hand makes me jerk forward.
He smiled down at me before leading me over to a cart of books that needed to be put back and on a display. “ Don’t even worry about it hun, I got you working on carts today since you came in early. I’m putting Aaron on the register since he’ll be late.”
He handed me the scanner and walkie talkie. Alexander looked over one last time before walking to the register,” Also, make sure you’re not on the phone unless it’s your break or lunch, we’re having some higher ups come in today. You can listen to music if you have one earbud in, just don’t tell Aaron. He’ll whine about ‘ favoritism ‘. That boy.” He shook his head and chuckled to himself.
Putting up carts of books alone isn’t a fun task unless you enjoy the isolation from others. Usually putting headphones in was considered bad due to the chances of accidentally ignoring customers, however Alexander always trusted me to get work done. Fiddling through my jeans pocket, I grabbed out my wired earbuds and my phone. While trying to get to my music second I see a few notifications I must’ve missed.
4:26 pm
Sophie : hey! I’m sorry to do this last minute, but I have some stuff come up so I won’t be able to bring your notes tonight. :(
4:34 pm
Sophie : Apparently Simon said he could drop them off!! He said he needed to look over the notes again anyway.
Sophie : I gave him your number so he can text you when he’s there. I hope you don’t mind. :)
My face grew pale as I reread the messages from Sophie again and again. This was definitely not what I had in plan tonight. I hardly knew Simon, and the only times we’ve ever really talked were when both him and I spent time with Sophie. The thought of him meeting up with me and probably having our first conversation be about the drawings of him in my binder scared me shitless. Part of me hoped and even prayed that he didn’t decide to go further into my notes. All the drawing and doodles of Simon plastered on the sides of my loose leaf, it was borderline stalker ish. However another part of me dead down wondered how he’d react.
Would he be scared?
Would he be grossed out?
Would he like it?
The idea sent a tingle down my spine as I quickly push my phone back into my pocket. Simon was very attractive in a loner kind of way. The attraction towards him was normal right? The way he’d silently stare out the window, play with the sleeves of his hoodie, or even in his rare moments when he’d smile at Sophie.
He had a cute smile.
I could practically feel my cheeks grown warm as I zoned out, my focus dazed over at a book in the distance.
He’s always so flustered around Sophie. I hope one day he’d look at me like that.
He has cute little dimples whenever he smiles at her.
Watching the rare moments of his lips curving into a small smile is worth it.
His lips look very kissable, I wonder what he kisses like-
The feeling of a heavy hand on my shoulder made my skin practically leap off my body. Turning my head to find the owner of the hand, I saw Alexander look down at me. Concern filled his features as he inspected me, most likely as an attempt to see if I’m okay or need a break. “ Are you okay, hun? You’ve been standing there for a few minutes…” He whispered to me, or well attempted to. His voice could still be heard around the front half of the store despite his best efforts.
The feeling of eyes on us made me tense up slightly before gently shrugging Alexander’s hand off ,” I’m fine! I’m just a bit tired is all.” The poor excuse seemed to pay off as the feeling of my boss’s hand patting my head happened soon after.
Alexander let out a low sigh before looking at the old, vintage clock that hung above the security room. “ Well kid, you still got a few hours to go. Do you wanna take a lunch?”
I was quick to shake my head, grabbing a stack of books from the cart and heading towards the nonfiction section. “ Nah, I’m good. But thank you! I might actually skip my lunch today.” That comment alone raised an eyebrow from my boss. He was quick to follow me close behind as I put up each book in their correct section.
Turning my head to face him, I acknowledge his concerned presence ,” I promise it’s nothing to worry about. I was thinking I might get a bite to eat with this friend that’s stopping by after work.” I mumble softly, putting up a non fiction book on the second row.
The sound of a small sigh filled the space before I could utter out another word. “ Okay kiddo, I won’t push you to take a lunch. However,” he paused, most likely to make sure I’m still listening to him before continuing,” if I see you zone out again I’m making you take a break!”
Rolling my eyes, I shrug off his comment and go back to putting up books in the right genres. This seemed like a good response to his comment as he soon walked away to the register, most likely going to bicker at a fellow coworker about something.
Having enough social interaction with another person at the moment, I was quick to press play and have my music start up. The sound of metal blared quickly into my ears as I’d go to grab another book.
~~
After scanning in some truck and putting merchandise away , the end of the shift was just around the corner. Pushing the last cart in the back was one of the last chores I needed to do before being able to clock out. My boss, coworker, and I were the only three closing for the night. Most think having three people working would mean we’d get work done sooner, however the two boys had a tendency to not shut up about mutual hobbies.
Walking up to the front of the store, I wait quietly for the other two to finish counting all the tills for the night before we leave for the night. leaning against the front door’s big glass window, I look at the clock strike eleven at night. Part of me wanted to rethink waiting up front alone for a couple of reasons, the main one being that being alone in a creepy store isn’t fun but also because I knew those two were probably distracted.
Tap
The small, usually insignificant sound made me tense up. Quickly stopping myself from continuing to lean against the glass, I spun around to see where the sound of the noise could be coming from. The blur of grey covered my vision for only a moment before my eyes could adjust.
Simon stood outside, his expression a bit on guard as he instinctively gripped his shoulder bag. The look on his face sent a small shiver down my spine as we make eye contact. His eyes looked a bit dulled out during the night time, making his presence feel a bit unsettling at first glance. Simon’s guarded expression ever so slightly looked a bit confused? Most likely as to why I wouldn’t open the door for him and making him wait outside on the dim sidewalk.
The motion he took next was to rummage through his grey bag, curious I tilted my head to try and see what he was rummaging for. His bag seemed a bit unorganized and overall messy. Papers, books, and more were practically hidden underneath all the small, random knickknacks in his bag. My actions made him rotate his stance, most likely his indirect way of telling me to stop snooping. With a small pout, I watch him through the door’s glass as he pulls out his phone. Within seconds, a small beep can be heard from my jeans pocket.
11:01 pm
Unknown : Why are you just standing there in the dark? Can you let me in already?
Y/n : I’m waiting for my boss and coworker to finish up counting the tills.
A muffled groan can be heard through the glass, he seemed annoyed from the minor inconvenience at play.
11:02 pm
Y/n : They’ll be done in a second, I promise. Just be patient, okay?
Unknown : Fine.
The sound of footsteps slowly creeped down the hall, I didn’t need to turn to know who it was. “ Hey, can I head out now? I have a uh… friend waiting for me?” I called out, looking at my phone one last time to see if there’s any new messages.
Within a few seconds, I could see Alexander’s burly hand fiddle with the front door keys ,” Thank you for waiting Y/n and yeah that’s fine! We’re about to head out too.” He said, looking over at Aaron, who seemed too exhausted to care about our conversation. “ Who’s your friend? I’ve only seen you walk home with that one girl, Sammy?” Alexander asked, his face slightly showing confusion and a bit of concern.
“ You mean Sophie and this is our mutual friend, Simon. He’s walking me to the train and giving me some notes he borrowed. “ I smiled softly, knowing that if I explained my situation to him, he wouldn’t feel so cautious about me leaving with a random stranger. That explanation seemed to appease my boss as he pushes the door open to let Aaron and me out. Aaron was quick to head off, probably to enjoy what little time off he had before having to go to sleep. Alexander locked the door behind him and waved a small goodbye before walking down the sidewalk as well.
The wind was blowing a little harshly as I watched my two coworkers walk the opposite way from where Simon and I were headed. Turning to face Simon, I noticed he already had out my notes. I smiled weakly and took my binder from his hands before opening them. They were slightly crumpled despite the face that they’ve been snapped up into a binder, my guess was that they were pulled out and put back in.
“ Why are you inspecting it? I kept it the same as you left it” His voice called out, his Swedish accent lingering in his speech.
Looking up at Simon, I was a bit flustered by his call out. He has always been on guard with me, like I would accuse him at the slightest mistake. Mumbling out a small “ Sorry.” , I closed my binder without further inspection. He started to walk as soon as I closed it, prompting me to follow his actions rather quickly so I can keep up. The streets of Stockholm were unusually quiet this time of night. And with the holidays approaching, so did the cold winds and rain. Walking down the sidewalk with Simon gave me a strange feeling, especially when he wouldn’t even utter a single word to me. ‘If I wanted us to get closer, then I’d be the one to have to initiate the first step.’ I thought to myself, slowly going to face him and figure out what I could say.
“ H-hey um..” I did my best to start, however continuing seemed to have been a struggle.
He turned towards me and tilted his head slightly, looking a bit confused.
“ What?” He asked bluntly, putting his hands in his hoodie pockets. He seemed overall a bit on the defensive already, as if I was gonna back him up into a corner.
“ I just wanted to say thank you. For returning this, I mean.” The words sorta cracked up as the attempt of talking seemed more impossible each time I let a word out.
Simon’s defensive attitude dropped ever so slightly, as if he looked a bit surprised at the thank you. Playing with the shoulder bag strap, he kept his eyes focused down at the ground. “ You don’t have to thank me. Sophie asked if I could bring it to you.” He mumbled, his jet black hair trying to cover my gaze from his face.
I smile a little at how cute he was acting, trying to be a bit more playful I lightly punch his shoulder ,” Then I’ll have to thank Sophie later. “ The slightest bit of physical contact made his arm tense. I was quick to put my hand down to my side once more before trying to keep the conversation alive. “ How are you and Sophie?” I ask, watching his poorly hidden face grow a bit red at the question.
Simon was quick to finally make eye contact with me when I mention Sophie. He looked a bit flustered by my question, however somewhat engaged by it too. It was no surprise that Simon had a crush on Sophie. He always followed her around like a lost puppy in high school. “ Sophie? What about her? “ He asked, his words a bit too rushed for his own liking.
Smiling at his eagerness, I grip my binder tight to my chest. “ It’s no secret that you have a little crush on Sophie. When are you gonna ask her out?” I ask. Part of me would be happy to see my friend dating someone who isn’t a complete dick. But a small part of me wished it wouldn’t be Simon. Although I wasn’t close to him like Sophie was, I did find him kinda cute.
He looked as if he was gonna have a stroke. He probably guessed no one was observant enough to care about him, let alone figure out who he liked. “ I um…” he started, his breath seemingly caught in his throat as it took a while for him to speak once more. “ I mean she’s my friend. I honestly don’t know if I love her or not, but I’m sure I could if Sophie and I got together. I won’t deny that she’s one of the prettiest girl in school and all..” Simon averted his gaze back down at his black shoes and pathway beneath his feet. His mind following another direction that I wouldn’t be able to read from his face.
“ but I just don’t think she feels the same way. I’ve never been to strong enough to ask her..” He admits softly, his tone going from nervous to somewhat defeated. The cold air brushed against his face, making his hair push back slightly to show his face. His eyebrows were furrowed, as if he was lost in thought at the revelation he uttered out.
The sight of Simon looking so frustrated with himself gave my chest an aching feeling. Despite my own comfort, I gently touched his shoulder. The touch itself was light and reassuring, but it didn’t take a genius to see that even a small touch like that was foreign to him. His eyes darted back to me, trying to read my intentions through my body language. I do my best to smile weakly before starting ,” If you want, I can try and find it out for you. Or at least help you work up the courage to ask her.” The offer alone seemed to make Simon look shocked and maybe even a little happy? For a small split second I could see a smile start to form on his face before going away.
We walked down the sidewalk steps and into the train station. He seemed to ponder a bit by my offer as he didn’t reply until we got onto the train. “ What’s in it for you? What do you get out of this? I mean you barely know me..” He asked finally, moving to sit down by the window.
‘ That was a good question, what would I be getting out of helping them? Sophie is my friend and all, and she doesn’t know about my little crush on Simon either. So technically she wouldn’t even have to worry about my feelings at all, she thinks I don’t even know the guy. ‘ I sighed softly at the thought. Looking at the binder on my lap, I tried to ponder a good reason as to why I want to help Simon.
After a moment in silence, I looked up towards Simon ,” I guess because I want my friend to be happy. But also..” His eyes were practically piercing through me. He was hanging off every word I was saying it seemed. With a small huff, I decided to say it with my whole chest. “ because I want to be friends with you too.”
Welp.
The look of shock was written all over his face, almost imbedded into his being. “ Why? ” He asked softly, his accent slipping out cutely that even I started to blush.
No real answer would satisfy him so a small shrug would have to do for now. There really isn’t a solid reason as to why. The shrug itself didn’t seem to be accepted as he repeated himself ,” Why Y/n? “
Smiling softly, I shrug again which didn’t seem to appease him at all. With a small sigh through my nose, I tried to find a better way of expressing it,” I just want to. Now do you want my help or not?”
Simon seemed a bit conflicted by the ultimatum that I had laid out for him it seemed. He took a few minutes to remain silent before the train stopped.
‘Shit it’s my stop.’
“ It’s my stop, I gotta go.” I said quickly, getting up and holding my binder tight as I made my way down to the train cart’s exit. Simon called out a small wait! However I just gave a small wave and practically hopped out the exit and onto the station floor. Making my way to the station’s stairs, I look back at the cart to see Simon watching me go before typing on I believe his phone. Within moments I felt a small vibration from my pocket. Pulling out my phone as I head up the stairs, the light from the phone now illuminating my face.
11:47 pm
Unknown : I’m in.
A small smile grew on my face as I make my way out of the station and onto the city streets. I made a small mental note earlier to make a contact for Simon, making sure to do it now before I forget again.
11:48 pm
Y/n: Great! We’ll discuss more tomorrow then! Where do you want to meet up?
Simon : The college would be difficult since Sophie is there, so maybe your work? Or on the city?
Y/n : Sounds good! Text you later, goodnight Simon!
Simon : Goodnight Y/n.
Putting my phone back in my pocket and gripping my binder tightly to my chest, I hurried down the street.
It wasn’t until I got home that I throw my binder on my desk and got ready for bed. My folks weren’t home very much, always out working and doing their own thing. Which was nice for the most part, I didn’t want them putting their life on hold for me now that I’m in college. With a small yawn, I look around my room for my pajamas. The room was cozy for the most part, my lamp being the only light on at the moment made any chance of a headache less likely. Finding my pajamas on my dresser, I put them on lazily before walking towards my desk. Turning off the lamp, I paid no mind to my binder half hazardously open on my desk. One final stretch, I got into bed, burrowing myself into the blankets and pillows as I forced myself to sleep.
If only I had bothered to check the binder more throughly earlier, I would’ve noticed some of my drawings missing.