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Despite the vast intelligence of all the Vegapunk satellites, Lilith couldn’t think of any reason why one of the mighty Straw Hat Pirates would willingly degrade themselves to such a level.
As the designated “evil” satellite of the Vegapunks, there were scarcely any moral lines Lilith wouldn’t cross. Anything that didn’t have any immediate connection to her—or her fellow Vegapunks—was immediately cast to the wayside. Hell, she would have been happy to plunder the Straw Hats bone dry the moment that they got ambushed by Mecha-Shark if Shaka hadn’t intervened. Though her impulses weren’t entirely self-centred like York’s were, she would generally have considered herself an all-around unscrupulous individual. (That was her role, after all.)
Even still, she had some modicum of morality. It took a lot to make her outright baulk at the decisions someone would take. For example, she couldn’t imagine why the navigator of the Straw Hat Pirates would let herself go so drastically—and that was putting it extremely lightly. When she was put in charge of looking after said navigator after an impromptu voting session (much to her chagrin), she rationalised it initially. It couldn’t have been that bad, Lilith thought to herself. Even though I’ve heard a lot about the Straw Hats already, surely she wasn’t so bad in person, right?
Although that was her naivete speaking in hindsight, absolutely nothing could have prepared her for the tremendous task of supervising the one and only “Cat Burglar” Nami.
“Hhhhaaauugghhh… My kneesh are… wheeeeze… killing me…! Are you shure… hufffhhh… the food’sh nearby… haaaahhhhh… Lilith…?”
“Uh… Yeah. I mean, provided you’re even capable of walking that far with how big you are…”
“What wash that?”
“Nothing, nothing!”
It wasn’t as though the Straw Hat Pirates’ infamy was old news, mind you. Although any Vegapunk worth their salt knew that the stories spun by the World Economic Journal were almost total bogus, Lilith was already keenly aware that the Straw Hat Pirates had an uncanny ability to blow your wildest expectations out of the water based on what she read from the headlines. She knew vague details about almost every crew member, from Luffy’s general idiocy to Zoro’s complete lack of direction, but in absolutely no part of her memory bank was there even a solitary mention of Nami being the size of a tank. She didn’t know which was more perplexing: the possibility that Nami somehow managed to hide her inhuman obesity from the prying eyes of the World Government, or the theory that Nami managed to gain this much weight right before arriving at Egghead, and that just raises more questions than answers what the hell what had this woman been eating to get this fat so quickly?
The ground shook as they headed deeper into the Labophase’s Fourth Floor, Nami’s tree trunk legs causing miniature earthquakes with every heavy step. Lilith’s face contorted into an expression of disgust as her eyes had the misfortune of laying themselves on Nami’s backside, two pale globes of wobbling, sweaty assflesh that had to have been the width of eight Liliths put together. Lilith was no stranger to dealing with stupidly massive people—York’s food comas required entire procedures in place to mitigate the more dire effects of her gluttony—but Nami’s size was a variable that none of the Vegapunks had even considered as a factor. The way that Nami moved was not unlike a giant mound of pudding that wouldn’t be out of place at Totto Land with how the navigator’s fleshy folds undulated, her backfat stretching through her already-skimpy clothes and her cankles bursting out of her futuristic boots. Being honest, Nami’s shamelessness gave Lilith secondhand embarrassment. She was showing far too much skin for her liking.
Looking back on it now, maybe the other Vegapunks gave Lilith this responsibility because none of them wanted to deal with Nami’s grandiose size. Damn pricks.
Alas, Lilith had no time to fume about her current predicament. As if fate itself was hellbent on making her day worse, they were quickly approaching an Automatic Cooking Machine. Capable of cooking up to five hundred meals so long as the ingredients were available, this was Lilith’s best shot at satiating Nami’s hunger while also taking her vitals for the sake of intellectual curiosity (read: seeing how much the Straw Hat Pirates ruined her).
Putting on her best fake smile, Lilith clasped her hands and cleared her throat to catch Nami’s attention. Because of how much she was wheezing and gasping for air, she didn’t hear her the first few times, leading to her to bark at her sharply.
“NAMI!”
“A-Ahhh…!” Nami yelped. “Don’t… hufff… yell sho loudly…! You’ll give me… nngfhh… a heart attack…!”
“At the rate you’re going, anything’ll give you a heart attack…” Lilith muttered. “Anyway, we’re close to getting you something to eat now. You just have to walk all the way over there.”
“More… walking…?!” Whining, Nami scrunched up her face as she waddled with the grace of an elephant. “Luffy would… haaahhh… never make me… nngngfuhuh… work for my food…!”
“I can tell you haven’t worked a day in your life…!” Lilith grit her teeth. “Hurry up and get your bubble butt over there! You’ll get as much food as you want, okay?”
“Waahhhh…”
As to be expected, the actual trek to the Automatic Cooking Machine took well over ten minutes without counting the constant breaks Nami took to catch her breath. Lilith refused to put her hands anywhere near Nami out of disgust at the thought of having her sweat get on her clothes, instead opting to go ahead and pull out four chairs just for Nami to sit upon. Honestly, she probably only needed three, but it was better to be safe than sorry. Nami lumbered forward, boots close to buckling under the weight of her body before she crashed onto the chairs and caused them to creak and bend in ways that made Lilith’s heart stop in her throat. Taking a few moments to catch her breath and grumble something about how much her feet hurt, Nami craned her fat neck and looked at the Automatic Cooking Machine with a tired expression.
“How… hhfufhhfhuuurrrpp… doesh thish thing work again…?”
“You touch one of the buttons and it makes you the food shown on it.” Lilith put a hand to her chin and smirked. “One of the greatest machines on Egghead, if I do say so myself!”
“...Doesh that include butter?”
“What.”
“Ish that a no?”
“What the—what the hell are the Straw Hats feeding you?!”
“Shometimesh… hufffh… they jusht have to improvishe…” Nami grumbled. “If I can’t get that, though… nnfffghh. I’ll jusht take one of everything.”
“WHAT.”
“Ish that a no?”
“You know what?” Lilith threw her hands up in the air. “Fine! Fine, whatever, I’ll just push every button at once and you’ll get it all in less than a minute! Just so you know, though, you’ll have to pay for everything!”
“Mmmfhh…” Nami sighed. “I’ve got the belly for it…”
“In more ways than one, I’m sure…”
Lilith went up to the Automatic Cooking Machine and pushed every single button available, the machine rumbling ominously from the sudden influx of orders before dispensing the food right in front of Nami. In an instant, her eyes sparkled with unbridled glee as she reached forward and ate literally anything she could get her hands on like a pig. Western-style spaghetti, sloppy burgers the size of Lilith’s head, fried rice, rich and decadent compound butter—wait what the hell where did that come from that wasn’t on the menu butter doesn’t count for an actual meal?
Lilith missed the arms sprouting from next to Nami as she scratched her head in confusion, ultimately deciding not to dedicate too much of her brainpower to fretting over it in favour of collecting valuable biodata. Attaching a few pads to Nami’s arms and shoulders while she was shovelling insane amounts of food down her maw, Lilith hooked the pads to a monitor as she began to record various metrics pertaining to Nami’s health. In most instances, she would probably make up a reason as to how this could benefit the denizens of Egghead, but the reality was that Lilith was just really curious as to just how badly Nami managed to ruin her body.
With Nami’s eating noises providing sufficient background noise as the monitor whirred to life, Lilith waited patiently for the data to start appearing, foot tapping the ground impatiently. Because of how massive Nami was, it took a disconcertingly long time for any vital information to appear on-screen—though it wasn’t as though Nami seemed to care with how much food she was shovelling down. Lilith glanced over to her, grimacing at the sight unfolding in front of her. If she squinted hard enough, she could very easily mistake Nami for York with how ravenous her eating habits were—and given that York was over three times Nami’s height, that was distressing. Actually, Lilith herself was about two feet taller than Nami, and it genuinely stunned her knowing that Nami was wider than she was tall. Again, the question just had to be begged—what the hell have the Straw Hats been feeding her? How could they enable her willingly to get so disgustingly huge? Why was Nami not just accepting her titanic mass with gusto, but even revelling in it with how she was emitting high-pitched moans with every meal she downed from that Automatic Cooking Machine? Of course, she could refer to the popular adage of “The Straw Hats are just insane”, but surely even they had their limits… no?
Beeping from the monitors broke Lilith’s concentration. Looking back at them, Lilith rubbed her hands together as she prepared to absorb some of the world’s least useful information—though it would be a great intellectual curiosity to herself and herself only if she could see what made Nami’s body so abnormal compared to most. Lucky enough to have a packet of cup noodles next to the monitor, Lilith’s eyes started to scan across the readings. Starting from the top…
WEIGHT: 2063lb (935.7kg)
Lilith spat out her noodles, coughing as she made a mess of the monitor. “WHAT THE HELL?!”
Nami jostled, eyes squinting in pain as she whined. “I told you… nnffh… shtop shouting…! You’ll… gghuughh… give me a tummy ache…!”
Gawking at her as though she grew a third eye, Lilith half-debated screaming at her in an attempt to wake her up to the reality that she was quite literally over a ton which was anatomically impossible for someone like Nami—but quickly realised she would make no progress. Gritting her teeth, Lilith grabbed a napkin and wiped the monitor, looking at the next line.
HEALTH: Overwhelmingly Poor
“As if that’s a surprise…” Lilith rolled her eyes. “The question is how poor…”
HEART RATE: 178bpm
Lilith winced. “Okay, that definitely isn’t good…”
BLOOD PRESSURE: 170/110mmHg
“...I stand corrected, that’s even worse!”
OXYGEN SATURATION: 90%
“That’s—that’s horrible!” Lilith stared at the monitor in horror. “How bad can it possibly get?!”
BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS: 210mg/dL
“Okay—okay, that’s enough! That’s enough!” Turning away from the monitor in indignation, Lilith’s head whipped to Nami, her face completely drained of colour. “I thought you Straw Hat Pirates had a doctor on the ship! Haven’t they done any check-ups on you at all?!”
Nami paused mid-gorging to think about it. “You mean Chopper…?”
“...The pet?”
“Oh, he won’t like hearing you shay that… haaaahhh.” Nami groaned. “Anyway, he hash… mmfpgh! But he shaid there washn’t any point… hhuffhh… in putting me on a diet. Probably ‘caushe I’m healthy enough ash–ish! Hehehe… hhhuffhhh… mmph, chew chew…”
To say that Lilith was gobsmacked would be a gross understatement. Despite the fact that Nami’s health had deteriorated to the point that it would take miracles to undo the damage done by her self-destruction, she not only displayed no adverse health effects whatsoever, but seemed genuinely unaware of what state of health she was in in the first place. Ironically enough, Lilith seemed to be getting the brunt of any physical pain with how big her migraine was getting.
“You Straw Hat Pirates are something else…”
“Ish that a compliment?” Nami beamed. “You’re sho shweet… BBBbBBWRRUURRFFPH!”
“...Whatever makes you feel better.”
Sitting back at the monitor and putting a fist to her chin, Lilith wracked her brain in a desperate attempt to try and see things from Nami’s perspective. Surely, there had to be some personal incentive for willingly ignoring how her health was deteriorating? She had to have been aware that even just existing was becoming difficult as a result of her gluttonous lifestyle, no? Her train of thought drifted towards the Straw Hat Pirates, who seemed apathetic at best towards their navigator’s weight troubles and enabling at worst with the intention of exacerbating them to heretofore unseen levels. Lilith shuddered as she thought about how bad they possibly could get the more that Nami continued to waddle down the path she made for herself…
Lines of text on the monitor quickly faded into a green blur as her eyes unfocused, only to jolt back to reality when they started to turn red. The vitals appeared to have changed significantly from when she had last seen them.
WEIGHT: 2579lbs (1169.815kg)
HEALTH: Negligible
HEART RATE: 190bpm
BLOOD PRESSURE: 190/130mmHg
OXYGEN SATURATION: 87%
BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS: 290mg/dL
“Wh… What?!” Lilith stared slackjawed at the monitor before turning her head to Nami. “What’s the matter with… you…?”
The sight before her defied all explanation. Through her insatiable gorging and mashing every button that she could possibly reach, Nami had managed to blue-screen the Automatic Cooking Machine, causing it to malfunction due to a lack of ingredients and an influx of unanswerable requests. Lilith didn’t want to think about the amount of money that fixing it would cost, mostly because that would entail Shaka throttling her neck for not keeping a better eye on Nami. (How the hell was she supposed to know that Nami was capable of doing this?!)
Rushing from her chair and right by Nami’s side, Lilith tried to provide some sense of comfort to Nami by squeezing her arm (and tried to resist the urge to attach a blood pressure cuff to make sure the readings were as accurate as could possibly be).
“Nami? Nami!” She jostled her arm, trying to wake her up. “Are you okay? You’re not hurt, are you?”
“Whuh…?” Grunting, Nami shook her head as best as she possibly could with three chins and cheeks the size of bowling balls. “Of… courshe I’m fine… moshtly…”
“Mostly? Why, what’s wrong?”
“...Shtill kind of hungry… BBbBBBWWWOOOOOOOOOOURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPHHHHHHH~!”
Lilith resisted the urge to scream directly at her, instead gritting her teeth. “Well, I hate to break it to you, but you ate everything out of that Automatic Cooking Machine and managed to completely wreck it! Shouldn’t have expected less from the Straw Hat Pirates, but still! You ate over four hundred pounds of food and you still want more?!”
“Well, maybe you should’ve… nnggffhh… built it better than that…!” Nami whined. “There hash to be another one shomewhere, right…?!”
“There is, but the question is whether or not you’re actually going to make it there!”
“Of courshe I can! Gllluuoourrraarrpphh…” Nami groaned. “I could… fit a whole shea beasht inshide of me if I wanted…”
“I don’t doubt that you can, but I flat-out refuse to let you break another one of these.”
“Sho much for being futurishtic… Nnggfh!”
Suddenly, Nami began to clutch weakly at her upper stomach, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. For all of Lilith’s bluster and snark, she really didn’t want to have her head on the chopping block if any harm were to befall Nami. Clutching her arm yet again, Lilith asked far more urgently than before.
“Nami? What’s the matter?!”
“...I need… hhougghhnnfghh… the bathroom… BBBbBRRRFFRRPPPPPPPPRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTT!”
…Oh.
Oh, Nika.
Lilith’s hands shot to her head as the colour drained from her face, panicking as she realised the gravity of what was about to happen. Screw the logistical challenges of transporting a full-ton fatass to any of York’s bathrooms, how the hell was she going to even begin to get her to move given she ate enough food to feed all the countries affiliated with the World Government?! Spluttering and in desperation, Lilith yanked twice on Nami’s arm in a futile effort to bring her to her feet.
“H… Hurry up, then! What are you doing just sitting there?!”
“But I can’t move… nnhfhfgugh! FRRRAAARPPPPPPTTT! I’m too heavy…”
“ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” Lilith screeched. “Would it kill you to have just a LITTLE BIT OF DECENCY FOR ONCE AND GET TO A BATHROOM?!”
Despite the perilousness of the situation at hand, Nami found it in herself to only shrug. “Ushually… BbbwwlRRRPFPFFFFRRRRPPTTTT! They jusht bring a bucket…”
“THERE ARE NO BUCKETS ON EGGHEAD THAT COULD EVEN HOPE TO CONTAIN A FRACTION OF THE FOUR HUNDRED POUNDS OF FOOD YOU JUST ATE, NAMI!”
“Hrrmpph…! BFFFFFFRRRRRRFFFFPLRRRPPPTT~!” Nami puffed out her cheeks. “Then what do you shuggesht…?!”
“I’m going to exercise my better judgement here and get you to one of York’s bathrooms! Given how she tends to put out around the same amount of waste, it’s your best chance of not destroying the Fourth Floor and my best chance of not being ripped into by the other satellites for not spoiling you!”
“I’m not… FFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTT… shpoiled…!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever, just suck it in and get to your feet! One, two, THREE—!”
Despite Nami’s hefty size, she wasn’t entirely an immovable object. Her centre of gravity was mostly focused on her front half due to the weight of the food currently stewing in her guts and being processed through her intestines, so it was easy for her to stay upright. It was actually moving with how dense and stocky her legs were that were the problem. Shifting her mass to and fro from side to side like some kind of facsimile of movement allowed her to advance forward at an approximate rate of four millimetres per second, which was exceedingly inefficient and only served to make Lilith panic even more.
“Can you move faster?!”
“Wh… BBBbbbBFFPPLRRPTPT… What do you ekshpect me to do…?!” Nami whined. “I can barely bend my kneesh… FfffFFFFFRRRRRRRRAAPPLPRRPTTT… and my tummy’sh in the way…!”
“Okay! Okay, fine, let me make things easier for you, then!”
Heading in front of Nami, Lilith tried desperately not to think about what she was doing and placed both her hands under her heaving, turgid stomach, lifting it and easing the burden of incredible weight off of Nami’s middle. As fortunate as it was that it didn’t immediately make Nami fall flat on her fat ass, a particularly visceral groaning noise coming from her lower gut rolls was a sign that she may have just sped up her digestion by a lot.
“U… Uuuuu…” Nami whimpered, her tubby arms failing to reach far enough to rub her gut. “My belly hurtsh… fff… ffffFFRPPRPTT…”
You know, at this point Lilith didn’t even know why she was bothering. “Just hold it in, will you? And stop complaining! It’s, like, forty steps away!”
“Your shtepsh are bigger becaushe you’re taller…! HHHhhhNNGNhhh…”
Ooooh. That wasn’t sounding good.
“Look, you just have to hang in there! It really isn’t that far away…!”
“You shahid that about that cooking machine too…! FFFFFFRRRRRFFFPPRTTT… I had to… go up three floorsh…! HHhhrhhrfghghnghh…!”
That was NOT sounding good.
“IN AN ELEVATOR! Stop being so difficult and move those legs!”
“But… But I’m sho tired… I kinda need to air out a little bit…”
“No!” Lilith barked. “I swear if you do that and what I think happens happens I’m making sure you never step foot in the Labophase ever again—!”
BBbbbBFFFLLRLRRPRPPFPFFppppprpprrprrrrrrrrrpppppppttttttttttt~
It was fortunate that it wasn’t what Lilith thought it was and instead appeared to be a far wetter assblast than she had been preparing for, but it was at that point that she looked at what she had been doing and reevaluated what she was doing. A Vegapunk satellite, of her station, coddling a mere human Straw Hat Pirate who had gorged herself into near-total immobility? Her time would be better spent researching problems of actual importance instead of dealing with Nami’s stomach problems. WIth a fierce sneer, she dropped Nami’s gut upon the ground—causing Nami to yelp and another bassy assblast to erupt from her rear—and stood up at full height.
“You know what? Since you got yourself this far, you can go to one of York’s bathrooms yourself.”
“W… What?!” Nami squawked as she looked up at Lilith with wide eyes. “But where even ish the bathroom?!”
Nonchalantly, Lilith shrugged before jerking a thumb behind her. “On the other side of the floor.”
“Huh?! But… BffrrFRRRFPFRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTT… y-you have to eshcort me there…!”
“Since when? The other satellites just told me to keep an eye on you, and I can do that from the cameras in one of the lab rooms.” Lilith waved her off as she took long strides towards anywhere that wasn’t where Nami was at the moment. “Don’t worry! I’ll just… talk to you over the intercom, or something…”
“L… Lilith…!” Nami continued to plead and beg. “Lilith! P-Pleashe don’t leave me here! LILLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITH…!”
Alas, Nami’s desperate wobbling and whining did nothing to change Lilith’s mind, who already resolved to escape so she wouldn’t be saddled with potty training duty. It’s an industrial toilet designed for York of all people, Lilith mused to herself. Surely it can handle Nami. Right? Right. Obviously.
Heading into another room, Lilith sat down and breathed a heavy sigh of relief. A tremendous weight felt like it was lifted from her shoulders. Her mood was improving already! Straightening her back with a wide smile, she pulled up the cameras on another monitor—
“W… Waaahhhh… BBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPLRRRRRRRRRPTTTTTTTTTT… It hurtsh sho much…!”
And her mood immediately deflated. She clicked the intercom button and barked at Nami. “Just shut up and get to the bathroom, already! If you actually tried, I bet you’d be halfway there by now!”
“I already am trying…! HHHNnngghghhhh… I’m trying… to hold it in…!”
“You’ll be getting no sympathy from me after breaking one of the Automatic Cooking Machines! Just move it!”
Lilith could see on the camera that Nami was puffing out her cheeks as though it would have convinced her that Nami was someone whose threats were worth taking seriously. If it had been literally any other Straw Hat—yes, even Chopper—maybe she would have gotten out of her room to help Nami. Maybe. She did have to admit that it was fun watching Nami from afar, though.
Eventually, Nami stopped being a brat and actively started to lumber forward. As she complained earlier, because of her rather unique physique, she was unable to effectively bend her legs and walk forward like a regular human being. Instead, she had to teeter side-to-side, taking incremental steps bit by bit in order to shuffle forward like a drunken cow. Lilith honestly would have started howling with laughter if it wasn’t for two things: firstly, the fact that Nami was barely making any progress; and secondly, the cacophony of noises that she could hear not just from the speakers, but directly outside of the room. She didn’t realise that Nami could even be that loud…
Looking back at the monitor, Lilith calculated Nami’s distance using the individual pixels on the screen to estimate how much progress she had made. She had gone about… two metres-ish, give or take a few? Maybe? Lilith was going to be here for a long, long time.
Or at least she would have been, had it not been for what happened next.
“Nnnnffghughgh… Ooouhhh… My tummy hurtsh really, really bad…!”
Click. “Yeah, you’ve said that before. Just grin and bear it—”
“No… You don’t undershtand… I can’t hold it in like I have been…!”
Lilith was just about ready to snark back at her until a particularly ear-splitting fart caused the speakers in the lab room she was in to peak. Clutching her head, she tried to focus on the monitors, only for the worst to come to pass.
SSSSShhSSSSHHHHHHPLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRPPPPPPPPRRRRROOOOORRRRRRPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTT~!
Nami… had vacated her bowels. Violently. Lilith was grateful she wasn’t there to experience it firsthand, of course, but seeing it still wasn’t a pretty sight. Because Nami was wearing basically no undergarments beyond a white thong, none of it was contained whatsoever, causing a giant brown pile of mess to collect right behind her. What shocked Lilith was how goddamn massive it was when compared to the rest of her. It was a massive pile of sludge, reaching about the same height as her ass shelf and just as wide. Lilith didn’t even get a good look at how long it took her to make it. She blinked and it was already formed…
Despite Nami’s spoiled nature, not even her airheaded composure could withstand such a mortifying event. From the cameras, Lilith could see her face had become a bright red, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes as the gravity of what happened hit her like a freight truck. The microphones picked up her whimpering.
“L… Lilith…? P-Pleashe… help me…”
Click. “Nah. York’s bathroom is all the way down there. Good luck.”
“Pleashe! I can’t hold it in—”
“That’s not my problem! You should have thought about that before you ate four hundred pounds of food!”
Nami’s pleading fell on deaf ears as Lilith kicked back and watched the navigator struggle trying to trudge through her ankle-high piles of waste. With the trail that she was leaving behind her, Nami somewhat resembled a slug in both size and gait; it seemed that even with the threat of imminent sharting at hand, Nami’s waddling was no less hurried than it had been before. Maybe that was because Nami had already been embarrassed just from messing herself so violently and being witnessed by Lilith; there was no reason for her to act as though her dignity was going to leave this floor intact. The consequence of this is that—even if she was holding it in like she said she was—far more sludgy brown piles were erupting from her ass, and her swollen gut wasn’t getting any smaller. The noises that she was making were so loud that Lilith had to turn down the speakers so her migraine didn’t worsen any further.
Click. “Sheesh, if this is you when you’re trying to hold it in, I’d hate to see what’s going to happen to the pipes when you actually get to York’s bathroom.”
“Hhhugauguhghhh…!” Nami cried. “It’sh… going to be able to fit it all in… right…? SSSSSSHHHHHPPPPPPLRRRRRPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT…!”
“...Are you serious? What—why wouldn’t it? She eats literal tons of food every day and pushes out the same amount!”
“I’m just ashking…!”
“If you’re seriously needing to ask, you’re beyond help. Get to moving.”
Despite her aloofness towards Nami’s precarious situation, deep down, Lilith felt the slightest twinge of fear in her heart. While she had initially been frustrated by Nami’s general slobbery, she didn’t realise the depths of depravity this woman had been willing to sink to, whether by her genuine ignorance or otherwise. Nami having the gall to ask whether York’s bathroom would be enough to accommodate for a high-maintenance woman like her… It was actually really frightening. (Lilith wouldn’t admit that to anyone, of course.)
Watching Lilith from afar was a momentary comfort to her, but Nami was increasingly getting worse on the already torturously-slow trek to York’s bathroom. Part of Lilith actually wasn’t sure if she was going to make it in time, but another part of her really didn’t want to leave the room and be forced to assist her any longer than she had. It seemed that Nami was in a Catch-22 situation where every move she could take resulted in her losing. If she continued to move as slowly as she had been, it’d take far longer for her to reach York’s bathroom, yet if she picked up the pace and waddled faster, her control over her bowels would slip even further. It wasn’t like she was escaping this place without making it any worse than it had been, though, so Nami tried to move faster. It was like watching a whale on land.
SSSSSSHHHHHHLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPLPRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTT~!
The noises Nami was making were absolutely nauseating. Because of the sheer exertion it took for her to lift even one of her titanic lard pillars for legs and the supposed effort it took for her to dial back her bowel movements, actual speech was a significant challenge for her. Most of the noises that she made when Lilith wasn’t talking to her over the intercom were guttural grunts and moans of varying emotions that Lilith couldn’t quite place. Embarrassment? Likely. Pain? LIfting up that gut and having volcano blasts erupt from your ass would do that to you, yeah. Arousal?
…Lilith hoped not.
The messes Nami continued to make were even worse. Most of the food that Nami consumed were egregiously high in fat content and her body had an exceptionally poor time digesting them to the point that most eruptions she made had the consistency of pudding. Not all of them—although not much proportionally speaking, the fibre content of the nutrients she consumed was still over twenty times an average person could consume in a day—but most of them. At this point, Nami’s undergarments had completely shredded, unable to contain any mess surging from her rear. Piles of waste that could have reached up to Lilith’s waist in height only got higher and higher as logs the size of boa constrictors erupted from Nami’s ass like a fire hose, causing the very highest pile to be just a couple of feet taller than York. Lilith watched in horror as it just didn’t stop, the mess behind her managing to fill the corridor and then some.
Click. “I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE HOLDING IT IN!”
“Houugghuhgh… I am… holding it in…!”
“YOU’RE ALMOST DESTROYING THE ENTIRE FOURTH FLOOR!”
“I would have… nnggfhgh— SHHHHHPLLPLPRRRRPPPPPPTT!”
Lilith winced, seeing one of the monitors cut out suddenly. Nami’s sharts couldn’t be that powerful—oh, yeah, she’s a Straw Hat Pirate, of course they would be…
“Ash I wash shaying… I would have been at York’sh bathroom by now… if shomebody helped me…!”
“And be caught in the splash zone? Not in a million years! You’re almost there, so just keep it up!”
Lilith could hear Nami’s cries over the monitor. Frankly, even in spite of her frustration towards her, Lilith no longer gained any catharsis from putting her through the wringer like this. She just wanted this nightmare to be over…
The thudding of Nami’s steps didn’t shake Lilith’s current hideout as much as it had been, so she had to be making some progress. Lilith didn’t even want to look at the cameras because the scene before her was like something out of a horror movie. Not even York would put the other Vegapunks through this kind of thing… and if she did, she certainly wouldn’t be this horrifically filthy…!
Despite herself, Lilith was overcome with curiosity, a compulsion left over from the main Stella’s desire to verify everything. Moving to the door of the lab room and leaving the monitors unattended for a moment or so, Lilith opened the door, immediately started coughing and hacking from the smell and also because of how much literal shit had managed to get to her side of the Fourth Floor, and then shut the door and resolved to never leave the room ever again.
Returning back to the monitors with the energy of a dehydrated sea beast, Lilith realised the scale of the mess she had gotten into (thankfully not literally… for now…). At this point, the best thing that she could do was see it through to the end. With a shaking finger, she clicked on the intercom.
“Nami?”
“HhhhHHOOOOOUUUUUAGHGGHHHHHHHH— SSSHHHHHHPPPPLLLLLLLLRPRPRPPPPPPPPRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTT~!”
Sheesh, she was sorry she even asked. “I don’t want to… distract you from whatever it is you’re doing, but you’re almost there!”
“NnnnNNFFGFHFHGHHHH— SSSSSSHHHHHHHPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRTTTTT!”
Another monitor went out. “At least, you should be. I think it’s right in front of you…”
Nami continued to make noises akin to a dying Sea Beast. Lilith took it as a sign that now was probably not a good time for her to try and continue talking to her, so she just sat back and watched her go.
What Lilith said wasn’t just an empty platitude to help Nami get over the fact that she was currently making the hallway of the Fourth Floor completely unusable. Just a few metres away from where Nami was currently standing was a bathroom specifically designed for York with both her height and her usual weight in mind. Nami’s height obviously wasn’t a problem, but her width was the closest thing that could have totally made her progress all for naught. Lilith held her breath as she watched Nami slowly inch towards the entrance, her heart dropping at the thought of having to get out of the room and wading through all that mess just to push her into York’s bathroom—!
Fortune smiled upon her today. Nami’s hips just barely clipped the edges of the bathroom’s doorway. Lilith leaned back into her seat, wiping her forehead clean of sweat as the next phase of damage control began. Because of how expansive York’s bathrooms tended to be, there would be more than enough space for her to move around in place and sit down on it. Provided that what Nami said before about York’s bathroom not being enough for her was false, York would be able to just sweep away all of the mess and that will be the end of that. She could almost feel the other Vegapunks patting her on the back for dealing with such a nuisance of a navigator!
To ensure that York would be kept safe and not get ambushed while in the bathrooms, cameras were installed in every one. Lilith simply flicked on the monitors for the particular bathroom in the Fourth Floor and coached Nami through as best as she possibly could.
Click. “Alright! You made it!”
“HhhhHHHURTTSSHHH—BBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFRPPPPPPPPPPSSPHPLRRRPPPPPPFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTT~!”
Lilith winced. “Look, you’re just a few more steps away from letting it all out, okay—”
Even just mentioning the words “letting it all out” caused yet another eruption to slide out from Nami’s rear end, almost filling the entire doorway.
“...Just… Just go sit down.”
She certainly didn’t need to tell Nami twice. Lumbering forward lethargically—it seems that Nami’s knees were close to giving out as a consequence of having to lug around all of that food she ate while also holding in every calamitous bowel movement—Nami’s stomach growls only seemed to get worse. Even Lilith could see how painful things were getting for her. Moving around while weighing literally over a ton and unable to move a few feet without anyone’s assistance, being stuffed with a further four hundred pounds of food made it impossible for her to think about anything that wasn’t getting immediate relief. Given how spoiled Nami was, Lilith refusing to accommodate for her was probably a significant factor in causing her bowels to go into overdrive… provided that her body wasn’t finally betraying her. Her stomach ached from all the food, her heart pounded with every step, and her legs burned from having to carry all that navigator flab. Combining all of that with the fact that she messed herself beyond anything even remotely close to normal and having Lilith absolutely refuse to assist her, it was no wonder that she was having such a terrible time…
It just kept coming. Nami couldn’t focus on anything aside from how unnaturally tight her stomach was, the force of which she was shooting out logs like a fire hydrant on high blast, and the fact that it just wouldn’t stop! Every time Lilith got a good look at her face, she could see Nami was absolutely miserable. She almost felt bad for leaving her to her fate… Almost. It was either her or Lilith, and Lilith was far too important to be buried under all that waste.
Now that she was positioned in front of the toilet, Nami looked at it and wailed in despair.
“WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Click. “What? What’s the matter? No way it’s out of order—”
“IT’SH TOO SHMALL— SHHHHHHHHHPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!”
“TOO SMALL? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TOO SMALL?!”
“I CAN’T SIT DOWN!”
Lilith grabbed at her head. “LOOK! JUST TURN AROUND AND BEND OVER IT, OKAY?! IT’LL BE CLOSE ENOUGH, IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT!”
Sobbing, Nami weakly nodded and began to pivot in place, swinging her hips from side to side like a pendulum and slowly turning around. It was one of the most grotesque things Lilith had ever seen; Nami continued to mess herself even while rotating, spraying the whole room with her waste as though she were a hippo. All that Lilith could think about was how many robots it would take to clean up all of this… York was absolutely going to kill her, and Lilith wouldn’t even be able to complain…
At last, Nami had finally managed to direct her rear in the general direction of York’s toilet. Given how large it was, Lilith had a hard time believing that Nami would completely wreck it. The navigator couldn’t even reach to put her hands on her knees, only wincing and clutching her stomach as she spoke words that would haunt Lilith for the rest of her days:
“F… Finally… can let it… all out…”
The next few moments happened far too quickly for Lilith to process.
BBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFRPPPPPPPPPRPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTT! SSSHHHHHHPPPPPPPLRRRRRRRRRPTTTT—FRRRRRFRRRRTTTTTTT! BBBBBBBRRRRRRRFFFFFRMMMMMMMRRPPPPPPTTTTTTT~!
With the force of artillery befitting of a Buster Call, a humongous splatter of waste completely obliterated everything behind Nami, a tidal wave of Nami’s liquid sharts filling the pipes and yet still managing to fail in being contained. Given that York’s entire purpose was to eat and to use those toilets, this was a horrifying prelude for what was going to come. It was like a massive weight shifted in that room, Nami managing to push out far more than she had previously eaten from the Automatic Cooking Machine as though everything she ate had immediately converted into waste. Initially, the consistency of Nami’s mess was mostly liquid, the fat causing it to come out as an avalanche-like slurry, and the pipes were having a relatively easy time processing it all. It was when it started to become solid that it became clear that Lilith had no chance of ever preparing for Nami’s tummyache troubles.
York’s bathrooms were designed to deal with her when she was at a BMI of 600. Part of the reason for such a high BMI was because of York’s massive height. Although she tended to gorge herself to a rather large size, it was always in proportion to the rest of her. Nami, on the other hand, was about three times shorter than York and somehow managed to be thrice as wide as York at her heaviest, which meant that all the waste that she was pushing out was a lot more than York’s plumbing could handle. Even though the Stella had shrugged and doubled the diameter of most York-grade plumbing just in case, Nami was proving to defy even the predictions of the smartest people in the world through sheer ignorance and gluttony alone.
Initially, Lilith had genuine faith in the ability of the plumbing to be able to contain and deal with Nami’s waste as necessary. However, it seemed that Nami had only just begun to let it all out, because all it took was Nami grunting like a pig and suddenly an eruption with the same destructive power as an Ancient Weapon started to shoot through the sewage system. Solid logs the width of the Yarukiman Mangrove trees from Sabaody were being pushed through the pipes like a train struggling to fit through a tunnel, and things were starting to become backed up far more than Lilith had ever expected. A giant pile of Nami’s mess completely settled at the back of the room behind York’s toilet, towering high enough over Nami that it almost reached the ceiling and dwarfed even the likes of York herself. If that wasn’t a sign of things to come, then the beeping coming from the computers would have done it.
BBBRRRRRRRPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRBBBBBBLRRRRPPPTTTTT! SSSSSHHHHHHPPPPPLAAAAAAAARRRRPPPPPTT… FFFFFFFRRRRRRRRFFFFFPPPPPPPLLLLRPTTTTT! BBBFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRFRRRRRRRRRRPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT…!
Lilith watched in horror as red text slowly blinked on an adjacent monitor, warning that the sewage system capacity was in the process of buckling down completely. Lilith could only stare in a cold sweat as multiple weak points in the sewage system were highlighted, each one of them turning a dark red to show that they had completely broken. Nami didn’t even seem to realise how destructive her bowel movements were. The noises that Lilith could make out that weren’t mic-peaking sharts or ear-splitting gurgles were desperate moans or something along the lines of “my tummy hurts”. Gradually, more and more weak points were highlighted until the computer flat-out gave up and said that the entire sewage system had completely been compromised. According to the monitors on the other floors, various other floors on the Labophase had been filled with Nami’s mess, completely ruining the entire building. While Lilith had been lucky enough to be hiding in a room that was relatively untouched by the emergency happening right now, not a lot of other people could say the same…
Or, at least, was relatively untouched. The sound of pipes becoming undone made Lilith snap her head upwards. Pipe fittings that had been designed with a wider circumference than most had snapped off as a result of Nami’s mess causing the pipes to bulge, threatening its structural integrity. Lilith now knew what caused the plumbing around the Labophase to completely explode, but she was not interested in having the same thing happen in her safe room. Unfortunately, the universe couldn’t have given less of a damn, because right as Lilith was about to get away, the pipes burst and caused the entirety of the lab room to be splattered in Nami’s waste. That in of itself wasn’t much of a problem—when compared with everything else, that is—but what was becoming an increasingly pressing problem was that the flow of waste wasn’t stopping whatsoever.
SSSSSHHHHHHPPPPPPLRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRT… BBBBBLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPRLLLRRPPTT…!
The viscosity of Nami’s messes were in some sort of superposition state akin to a non-Newtonian fluid, splattering against the wall like a liquid only to settle at the bottom like a solid. What Lilith hadn’t expected was the rate at which more waste was being expelled into her room, already becoming ankle-high in a matter of minutes. This wasn’t the kind of thing that duct tape alone could fix, and despite Lilith’s genius in all other matters, she wasn’t skilled whatsoever in the art of plumbing. She tried to wrack her brain with a solution, but the smell of everything kept making her involuntarily gag, let alone the fact that the sea of waste was only getting higher…!
The amount of waste filling the room affected virtually all of the electronics. Because of its mild liquid consistency, it seemed through any parts that weren’t totally sealed, causing the monitors to flicker in and out and reducing any chance of her being able to contact Nami and tell her to stop whatever the hell it was that she was doing. Lilith tried to move towards the computers, but a sudden influx of waste made the sea of mess inside the room rise to waist-height, making it impossible for her to move. Lilith didn’t want to even think about how long it would take for her to wash the smell out, let alone feel comfortable looking at a bathroom ever again. And it just kept rising! Despite how dense Nami’s expulsions were, Lilith was having a hard time trying to stay afloat of everything as most water-wading techniques are rendered completely useless in semi-liquid substances that weren’t water. Her feet eventually left the floor, and she realised with a panic that there was a serious chance that she might end up drowning if she didn’t think of a solution. (She technically could just get another body, but the principle of the matter was that she wasn’t wanting to “die” here of all places!)
“Think, Lilith! Think!” She muttered to herself as she looked around the room. “What can I do to fix this?!”
An idea struck her. In situations like this, the Stella had thought of almost everything, and made sure that there would always be computers at the bottom and the top of all rooms so they could communicate with ease. She immediately got to a keyboard that was stashed at the very top of the room and connected to a terminal within Egghead, typing in a command that was supposed to be used in the most dire of emergencies if York’s bathrooms somehow couldn’t fit waste in them. In one fell swoop, all of York’s bathroom plumbing was redirected towards the ocean, hopefully easing the amount of waste that was currently filling the whole of the Labophase.
BBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFRPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTT… BBBBBRRRRRRRPPPPPPFBBBBBBBLRRRRPTTTTTT!
The results couldn’t easily be seen from where Lilith were standing, but she could tell already that Nami in five minutes had rivalled the pollution of Kaido in Wano over the course of twenty years. She was already dreading having to explain all of this to the other Vegapunks, but Nami just couldn’t stop! It seemed, if anything, that Nami was going even harder than she had before, causing untold ecological damage to the surrounding waters of Egghead and probably causing the sea level to rise by another metre! Lilith could only pray that the onslaught of waste would stop soon, because the last thing she needed was this emergency to become even worse than it already was…!
Until suddenly… it slowed. Nami’s pipe-clogging sharts finally ceased. The explosions had slowed down until they were akin to shotgun blasts, which in turn petered out in intensity until Nami had stopped completely. The structural integrity warnings were still blaring, and the Labophase was still flooded with an ungodly amount of waste, but it was finally finished. The nightmare had finally finished. Lilith didn’t even want to imagine what the other Vegapunks were going to say—actually, nevermind, what about the Straw Hat Pirates themselves? Luffy was going to absolutely rip into her for letting things get this bad in the first place! Lilith could already feel her life force being sapped by the moment, even without accounting for Nami’s disgusting mess being literally everywhere…
Lilith looked around for an Emergency Transponder Snail, stashed somewhere at the top of the room in case it was ever required. She never thought it would be required—well, actually, she did, she just never thought that this would be the emergency in question—but it was fortuitous that she was able to find it just in time. Reaching up, she got to the Emergency Transponder Snail and clicked it so it was able to connect with the one in the bathroom that Nami was currently occupying. After what felt like an eternity of the Transponder Snail trying to establish a connection with the other one, it finally opened its eyes and allowed her to speak with Nami.
“N… Nami? Are you okay?”
“...”
“Nami?”
“...Hhhaahugghhh…”
Glancing at a stray monitor that managed to still stick out of the sludge, Lilith could see the sorry state of York’s bathroom, covered in messes of varying consistency and size. Nami herself seemed to be very slightly smaller than before, which was primarily because Nami managed to expel literally over four hundred pounds of food in a single bowel movement. For what it was worth, Nami seemed a lot better than she had before, which wasn’t exactly a high metric considering how bizarre this entire experience was and especially considering how unhealthy that woman was.
Again, Lilith clicked the Transponder Snail. “Nami…?”
“L… Lilith…?”
“Yeah, I’m here! I hope you’re okay—”
SHHHHPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTTTTTTT~!
Another voluminous pile of waste on top of the hot fudge sundae that was this entire emergency. It felt as though the universe was having a laugh at Lilith’s expense.
“Hhhauaughh… Much better…”
“...Is… Is it finished now?”
“It would’ve been… hhfufufhhh… over a lot quicker… if you helped me, you know…!”
Lilith winced. “P… P-Please don’t tell the Straw Hat Pirates…!”
“Hmmm… Maybe I won’t… but on one condition… hhouffhghh.”
“That condition being…?”
“...Take me to another… Automatic Cooking Machine… and we’ll call it even!”
Lilith stared blankly at the Transponder Snail. She turned it off, placed it back where she had gotten it, and stared at the ceiling in nothing short of sheer unadulterated despair.
“...Shaka’s going to kill me…”