Chapter Text
Jake is not a morning person.
The sun rays hit him through the uncovered bedroom window as soon as his heavy with sleep eyelids open. He whines quietly, cursing himself for not closing the curtains the other night, and turns off his annoying alarm.
Waking up blinded by the sun in his eyes is indeed not Jake's favourite thing, but the view he’s hit with afterwards makes up for everything. The autumnal scenery visible outside his window, looking as if it has been painted with these warm and vibrant colours. Lately he spends about 5 minutes of his morning routine just by looking out the window and admiring his favourite season.
He knows it's a bit corny and all, but he actually decided to live his last school year’s fall to the fullest. And by ‘the fullest’ he means romanticising it, but it's his only way to survive the cold, depressing weather outside. Yeah, Jake's a bit overdramatic.
On the orange-leafed trees, he sees birds chirping as if to tell him something important. Something life-changing, something that will finally make him connect some dots and understand the purpose of life. Because he honestly does not see it. He's always looking for it, in quite everything, but never actually finds it.
Yeah, he has friends, a decent family, sure, he loves them, but he still feels alone. Every day he still feels like he's missing something. A piece that he was born without, and whose absence has become more and more apparent lately. He's just looking for a place of comfort, where he could feel understood and loved. Where he would belong.
The abrupt ringing of his alarm clock jolts him out of his train of thoughts. He sighs again, but this time as he finally gets out of bed and starts to get ready for school.
As usual, he's home alone at this time of the day, since his mom works early in the morning and his brother is away at college. He does his skincare routine (one of the few things he actually sticks to), eats some cereal for breakfast and gets into his school uniform. Although some people have problems with it, Jake is actually very grateful that he doesn't have to choose a new outfit every day. He thinks that would actually kill him.
Layla looks at him, clearly waiting for something and signalling her presence, as Jake tries to style his black, slightly too long, hair. He assures the cream border collie that he hasn’t forgotten about her and feeds her before some cuddling. That big ball of fur is his best stress reliever.
The way to school doesn't take long, he lives quite near it so he always gets there on foot, often meeting Sunghoon halfway. “Often” is a bit of an exaggeration, as his friend is usually late and Jake will not, in fact, wait for him and risk staying after school for that. The fact that he usually arrives there 10 minutes before class also doesn’t help.
What Jake cannot deny himself is being quite a good student, known for his excellent attendance. Not that he's trying really, it just comes naturally, because what else is he supposed to do beside school? He stopped playing games a while ago. There’s nothing else in particular he really enjoys doing anymore, nothing he’s passionate about, nothing that makes him feel alive and worthy of the life he’s been given. Nowadays, he feels like school is the only thing he's actually good at, hence he lets it determine his worth, shielding himself from the feeling of complete futility.
As expected, Sunghoon arrived about 5 minutes late. He sat down next to Jake, who was already handing him his notes for him to rewrite. His friend just grinned and mouthed a silent “thank you”. It’s been like this since middle school and Jake does not complain, he likes it the way it is.
*
“So” Sunoo starts, while putting his food tray on the table and sitting down. “Have you seen him?”
They’re all sitting at their table in the school canteen now.
“Oh. my. god. yes-” Jungwon joins the conversation, eyes wide.
“Seen who?” Jake and Sunghoon interrupt at the same time.
“Wait, I didn't tell you two? That new guy, wait what was his name...” Sunno trails off. “Actually, I don't remember. But it doesn't matter, you’ll just have to look at him. Wait, i think he's coming”
All of their eyes darted to the entrance of the cafeteria. Among all the other half-familiar faces, Jake sees a particular one he recognises all too well. He feels his heart tighten and heart beat at an impossibly fast pace.
“Oh my god…” He murmurs quietly to himself, but loud enough for the others to hear.
“Right?” Sunoo hisses, clearly amused, slowly standing up. “I honestly think I'm gonna hit on him-”
“No!” Jake shouts way too loud, catching Sunoo’s wrist before he could go. “Don’t… please.”
“What? Why not?”
Jake feels his face flush. He doesn't know what to say. Normally, he could just lie, come up with some excuse and go on with his day, but Sunghoon is here and he's definitely not going to let Jake get away with this. He looks at the latter, hoping he doesn’t recognize the guy, but the smirk he sees on his friend’s face says enough. He knows everything.
“Um- I-I.. ” Jake stutters. Not a single full word comes out of his mouth.
“Jakey had a crush on this guy for, like, ages since primary school. Then he finally confessed and got rejected.” Sunghoon says fast and excited as if he had been holding it in for a good while. It elicits gasps of surprise from the others.
Jake glances at him with horror on his face. “Well, thank you for that.” He says with a fake smile. “It wasn't that big of a deal though, I was young so I barely remember it.” He lies.
“Wait- Jake got rejected?” Sunoo says, shock audible in his voice “No way. I thought it was impossible. You're the one who’s always rejecting others, everyone is literally obsessed with you”
Well, Jake can't deny that one either. He has that kind of a ‘charm’ that makes everyone like him. He thinks that it's just because he's consistently kind and well-behaved, but Sunghoon always tells him that it's all because of his cute aura and puppy eyes that no one can say no to. He's a nerd, sure, but a hot and smart one? Jake guesses.
He seldom goes to parties, but when he actually finds himself at one, there's always plenty of people who either want to dance or fuck him. Sunoo’s right, he usually turns them down politely. He always knew what he wanted - to spend the rest of his life with one person that he loves, mutually. He's not interested in one-night stands.
His friends always call him a romantic and laugh at him for being ‘virtuous’, but he knows he’s just being foolishly quick to commit. None of the people who approach him feel like they’re special, someone he's interested in, so he doesn’t feel the need to fulfil their desire.
It wasn't always like this, though. At some point Jake used to force himself to find someone relationship-worthy, so he often found himself flirting and making out with some random guys, trying to finally feel something. Spoiler: he didn’t. It usually ended with Sunghoon having to listen to Jake’s crying, trying to comfort him till the morning.
Therefore now, he’s keeping all the good stuff for the right person, he tells himself, but deep down he's afraid that ‘the right person’ will never come. That's why he was so quick and confident to foolishly confess his feelings to that guy in middle school. He just wanted to settle down with the one person who felt right, who he adored and trusted, even though he was still young.
After the rejection, he was so hurt that Sunghoon had to literally drag him to school by force. That's actually so stupid and pathetic, when he thinks about it now. Good thing he only knew Sunghoon back then.
“What is he doing here though?” Jake hisses, voice audibly panicked. “He went to the other high school in town- besides, I thought he already graduated. Why the fuck is he here?!”
“Oh, don’t worry. Sunoo probably knows his entire biography by now, you’ll know every single detail.” Jay laughs with Jungwon sitting on his lap. When did that happen, Jake wonders.
Sunoo is, in fact, the gossip girl of the group, so Jake has no doubt about that.
“Well, not every…” Sunoo starts with a grin. “But yeah, I know some things. I heard he was transferred to our school because of some bullying towards him and fighting incidents. He kicked the headmaster's son's ass or something.” Jake’s brows furrow.
“Oh, and that's when you thought 'this guy’s just right for me, I'm gonna hit on him'". Jungwon deadpans. Sunoo snorts in response, ready to say something.
“What…” Jake interrupts. “That’s gotta be some bullshit. I know him, he was kind and very popular. There's no way he would get bullied.”
“You knew him” Sunghoon emphasises the second word. “It's been a long time, Jakey. You don't know what happened after that. Well, just look at him, he has changed so much. He seriously looks like he could kill someone.”
Jake glances at the table where the guy sat mere minutes ago. There's nobody sitting with him, or even near him. Now that Jake can take a better look, he really has changed a lot. His formerly dark brown hair is now burgundy. His facials have also changed, it looks like he has finally grown into his features. His ears don't stick out as much anymore and they’re pierced with several earrings. Jake can feel his heart beat faster.
“Well, I'm gonna talk to him anyway.” Sunoo says as he slowly turns on his heels. “In a friendly way, don't worry, just so he knows he's welcomed here.” He adds as Jake starts to whine in protest again and walks away. Jake hides behind Jay and Jungwon, who are sitting in front of him, as if that’ll make him invisible.
Jungwon looks at him, eyes narrowed. “You can't ignore him forever, you know. You're literally the class president, you will have to talk to him eventually.”
Today’s the day Jake regrets all his ambitious decisions. Why would he run for class president?
Sunoo sits next to Jake’s old friend. The other looks at him with indifference and slowly takes his headphones off. All Jake can see from now on are the movements of their mouths. He can't hear any of the conversation, but shit, he wishes he could.
It looks calm, Sunoo talks beaming as always, the latter on the other hand keeps his nonchalant face expression. After what feels like an eternity, Sunoo finally comes back, smiling, but not saying anything. That can only mean one thing - he’s done something Jake wouldn't like.
“So? How was it?” Jungwon is the first to break the silence.
“Well, somebody’s grumpy, but I think that’s just for show. His name is Heeseung and although he didn't really show any emotions, he was nice…” Sunoo kept talking but Jake’s ears began to ring. He couldn't listen anymore, all he could hear was that name mentioned by Sunoo over and over again.
His name is Heeseung. He knew that very well, but he hadn't heard that name for a long time. After the rejection it had kind of become a forbidden word for him and Sunghoon, to help Jake get over it. Now that he heard it again, he felt like that dumb boy with a dumb crush all over again.
Jake's eyes unconsciously turn back to his old friend and he freezes. He’s looking directly at Jake with those big doe eyes, that Jake loved so much, furrowed brows and slightly parted lips. Jake can feel his heart pounding faster and faster in his chest, his face growing hot and probably red. The eye contact doesn't last long though, as Heeseung suddenly looks away, apparently being busy with something on his phone.
For a moment, it was as if it was just the two of them, as if the world stopped just so they could look at each other again. Everything was back to normal now and man, did Jake hate it. All the noise from the cafeteria audible again, including Sunoo’s yapping.
“... soo I invited him to my party this weekend.” He says, like he’s dropping a bomb ready to explode.
“You did what!?” Jake yells a little too loudly, attracting the attention of the other students. “You won't see me there then.”
“Oh come on, it's my birthday, you have to be there, no excuses.” And he’s right, Jake wouldn’t miss his best friend's birthday under any circumstances, especially not Sunoo’s, as he knows his love language is quality time. He honestly has no choice, unless he wants the younger to be mad at him for at least a week.
The ringing of the bell interrupts their conversation, for which Jake is very grateful. He sighs and gets up, others also following that action.
He sees the already empty chair that was earlier occupied by ‘the new guy’. He knows it's not over yet though, as they are in the same class. It's still a long way to go for it to be over, Jake realises. What has he done to deserve this?
*
When Jake and his friends return to their classroom, there's still no sign of Heeseung. Why does Jake care so much anyway? He should just let it go and get on with his day, nothing would change, right?
“Okay, hello class, please take your seats.” He hears as the maths teacher walks in, a tall boy behind her. “This is Lee Heeseung, your new classmate. I hope you will show him your kindness and acceptance.” She says in a bored tone. "Jaeyun, as class president, you wouldn't mind showing him around the school after class, would you?" Jake freezes. He wants to say something, but no sound comes out of his opening mouth. "But for now, just sit with Heeseung for a few days, so you can help him catch up on the things we've already done in the first month, yeah?”
“Y-Yes ma'am” He stutters. What the fuck is going on with him? He looks at Sunghoon, who’s sitting next to him, looking for help as he gets up to change seats. All he finds is a shrug from his friend. Very helpful.
He sits in the empty seat next to Heeseung at the very end of the classroom. Their eyes meet for a second and Jake goes into full panic mode. What is he even supposed to say? How is he supposed to start the conversation? ‘Hi, it's been a long time since I completely embarrassed myself in front of you’? That's not happening. How is he supposed to casually talk about algebra, without mentioning what happened between them years ago?
Okay, he just needs to calm down. He just needs to ignore the problem and do what the teacher told him to do.
“So, um- have you got the textbook? We’re doing the second chapter now…” He manages to start and then words flow out of him about the topic of the lesson without much thought.
“...Do you get it now?” Jake asks after explaining the topic, breathing as fast as if he had just run a marathon.
“Yeah” And that's the first thing he hears from Heeseung after such a long time. His voice is so much more mature now, but still velvety. Despite the cold look, his voice is still very soft. “Thanks.” he adds, keeping his eyes on Jake’s own. Holy shit, Jake curses to himself.
He cannot focus for the rest of the lesson and puts all the blame on his old friend. Yeah, maybe he’s not doing anything in particular, but all Jake can think about is the latter sitting next to him. He feels like he’s being watched, but also takes note of every little movement Heeseung does.
*
After class, Jake says goodbye to his friends, all of them giving him a ‘good luck’ look, until he’s finally left alone in the classroom with Heeseung. The silence is piercing so Jake manages to start the conversation again, as he’s supposed to show him around.
“Ok, come, I’ll show you where the bathroom is first.” He starts, avoiding the latter’s gaze and going in the corridor's direction. Suddenly he feels a cold hand around his wrist, stopping him.
“C’mon Jake, you don't have to do this, I already figured most of the things out myself.” Jake freezes, looking at the physical contact between them. His stomach drops at his name being mentioned by the older after such a long time. Heeseung lets his hand go, noticing the younger’s reaction. “Can we talk? Listen, about that day-”
“No, don’t. I was just young and stupid… It meant nothing really, we don't need to talk about it.” Jake interrupts seeing where the conversation was going, not wanting to confront their past.
“Oh.” Heeseung says quietly. “I see… It's just that you didn't say a word after all this, I didn’t even get the chance to apologise and make things up, so-”
“Don’t be sorry, I was just stupid. You don't have to explain yourself either, we should just move on, okay? Is there anything I can help you with as the class president?”
The other doesn’t answer for a moment, brows slightly furrowed. “I don't think so.” He says looking down directly into the younger’s eyes. He sits on the desk behind him. “You’ve changed a lot y’know, Jake.”
And no, Jake does not actually know. He doesn't think he’s changed that much, but Heeseung on the other hand, well, has a lot. He wants to know everything that happened after the two split up. He wants to know why he switched schools and how can a person, formerly so dear to him, be a stranger now.
“Um, yeah y-you too” Jake stutters. The silence once again takes over the room and Jake feels the urge to run away before he says or does something stupid. “Okay, so I will get going now… Oh! I almost forgot!” He practically yells. “I need to get your phone number so I can add you to the class group chat!” He wishes he would just stop talking or at least shouting.
“Well, don’t you already have it? You know, from the middle school. I haven’t changed it.”
“Ohh, right, that's right! Seeyoutomorrowthenbye!” He says in one breath and quickly comes out of the room.
What the fuck even was that? He managed to keep his cool for so long, why did he have to mess it up at the very end? That’s all Jake can think about on his way home. He needs to tell someone.
Jakey
i was doing just fine
why did he have to show up
i’m so fucked hoonie
Hoon
Oh I bet you are.
Call me.
He spends the whole way home telling Sunghoon about what happened. All that could be heard was his yapping and the rustling of the dried orange leaves under his feet. He got so caught up in explaining his feelings that he didn't realise he didn't have his bag until he had to open the front door of his house.
“Shit” He curses under his breath, leaning against the door with closed eyes.
“What? What happened?” A voice speaks up on the other side of the phone.
“I think I left my bag at school. Ughh what is happening to me? I don’t have keys and my mom won’t get home ‘til like eight!” The cold autumnal gust of wind, to which he didn’t give much attention earlier, suddenly hits him in the face. This day will definitely be the end of him, he knows that for sure.
Aside from the rustle of leaves caused by the wind and the chirping of birds, something unusual can be heard. Someone is calling his name. He opens his eyes to see the same man he had just talked to Sunghoon about, standing outside the fence of his house. He’s resting his hands on his knees, panting, his chest heaving as he gasps for air, as if he'd just run a marathon. Well, he probably had.
“You- uh, you forgot your bag” He says, straightening up and catching his breath.
Jake cannot believe this. “Oh my god, Heeseung you’re a lifesaver!” He quickly runs down the few steps of the veranda and feels the sudden urge to give the latter a hug, just like he would do to his friends in such a situation. But they're not friends, Jake reminds himself, so he just stops in front of Heeseung with open arms. He coughs and takes his bag instead. "I mean, thank you, really. I think I would freeze here waiting for someone to come back."
A thought abruptly hits him. Heeseung remembers exactly where Jake lives. He gulps as he reminds himself of the last time the older man visited him. His stupid love confession runs through his head. The funny thing is that it happened right where they're standing now, in front of his house. Heeseung's painful words 'I cannot like you this way, Jeeyun' echo in his ears. He feels his heart beating at an unbelievably fast pace.
“Jake?” The older interrupts his train of thoughts, as he sees the latter zoning out. As Jake comes back to his senses, he notices Heeseung’s gentle hand running down his arm, leaving goosebumps wherever it goes. “You alright?” He says, worry visible on his face.
“Yeah” he starts, looking at the ground and moving away from Heeseung’s touch. “I’m fine, thank you again”
“It was really good to see you again. Oh, and I noticed you still have this.” He points to the plush gamepad keychain attached to Jake’s bag. It was one of their favourite activities together - playing games. As time passed by, he wanted to get rid of it so badly, but he just couldn’t. It brings back so many precious memories, reminding him that once, in the past, he really wasn’t alone.
Heeseung turns around and shows his backpack with the same matching keychain hanging from it. Jake can’t help it and smiles widely, thinking about how his old friend also kept it for all these years. When the other turns around to face Jake again, he’s also grinning. That damn heart-shaped smile, that he hasn't seen in so long, that he loved and adored so much. Back in the days it was all it took for Jake to be happy for the rest of the day.
Jake laughs at the latter, though it sounds more like a giggle. “So, um, see you tomorrow, I guess?”
“Yeah, see you tomorrow, Jake” He says softly as he starts going backwards in the opposite direction, then turning around completely and walking away.
And so, once again, he was left alone in front of his house, schoolbag in hand, wind blowing his hair in all directions. He catches himself staring at the retreating figure with a soft smile. He feels like he knows Lee Heeseung a bit better now. He could finally perceive in him a little bit of the boy Jake once knew so well.
“Jake! Is he gone already?” He hears a quiet voice coming from his phone.
Jake freezes, wide eyes looking at his phone screen with Sunghoon’s name on it. “What? You’re still here? You heard the whole thing?” His voice goes embarrassingly high.
“You bet I did. But wow, that guy’s really down bad for you.” He snorts. “And I don't like it”
Jake climbs up the porch stairs, blindly searching for the key in his bag. “What? Firstly, how on earth did you come to that conclusion, ‘cause I honestly think he hates me, and secondly, why not?”
“Well, firstly, ‘cause you’re blind as fuck, as we already know, and secondly, I’m not aware of his intentions y’know? I know you don’t want to talk about it, but c’mon Jake, he hurt you really bad that day, not saying a word since then and now he just shows up here, out of nowhere, looking like a god damn fuckboy and acting like nothing happened?”
Well, Heeseung actually did say a word after that day. He actually did say a lot of words via text messages, which Jake ignored being too caught up in his ‘broken heart’. Besides he’s the one, who’s kind of acting like nothing happened now. Though Sunghoon does not need to know that.
“I’m gonna be fine Hoon, you need to stop worrying about me. I can take care of myself y’know.” He states as he’s unlocking the front door, greeting Layla.
“Yeah, I know. It’s just that… I really don't want you to get high hopes for something more again. We all know how quickly you get attached and how it usually ends. Don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“I got it, okay? Stop bringing it up all the time.” Jake says, irritation audible in his voice. “I know my limits, you don’t have to act like my fucking babysitter all the time”
Silence resounds on the other side for a moment. “Fine. Just… You know you can tell me everything. If something really happens don’t ignore me and just talk to me ok?”
“Yeah, yeah, sure, can I hang up already, dad? I’m tired of being lectured.” Jake says overdramatically, with a tease, to lighten up the uneasy tension.
Sunghoon’s groaning clearly audible. “You really are so annoying, y’know that.” He laughs “God, I can’t stand you sometimes, Jakey.”
And so the conversation continues for the whole afternoon. Jake doing his homework, Sunghoon yapping on the other side of the phone.
He likes it that way, he really does, but he still has this uneasy feeling that something is missing. Today’s encounter left him pensive, confused with every thought intruding his mind. He doesn’t know what to think or how to act around Heeseung. Are they friends already? Does he even like him? How far can Jake go?
*
The next day Jake feels exhausted, even though he has only just woken up.
He doesn’t spend 5 minutes of his morning routine looking out the window anymore. He spends it lying in bed stressed, constantly thinking about Lee Heeseung.
He makes his hair more carefully and his makeup a bit more visible today. He’s actually going crazy, he thinks.
Even Layla doesn’t manage to reduce his stress, like she usually does. In fact, he’s even more anxious, remembering how much Heeseung loved his dog, since his parents wouldn’t let him have his own.
He was such an animal lover, one of many traits Jake liked him so much for. How is he now though? Does he still care? More and more questions appear in Jake’s mind during his way to school.
When he finally makes it to the campus, someone hugs him from behind.
“Oh shit, you scared me, Sun.” He says, freeing himself from the embrace.
“Well, nice to see you too hun- Ohh I like the smokey eyes.” Sunoo remarks, studying the other's face and wiggling his eyebrows. “He’s going to like it too.” He adds quietly with a smirk.
“What? Who will?”
“Your ex, obviously. Don’t try to convince me you spruced up like that on a random friday, just because you ‘felt like it’.” He answers in the most casual tone. “You know, we texted a lot yesterday, he seems like a sweet guy.”
Now, Jake’s confused. “You’re kidding? Now, why would you do that?” He says, only then realising how crazy he sounds. They’re entering school now, all the loud noises audible.
“A lot of reasons actually. I had to get to know the legend, the one who turned our Jakey down. That’s not a common phenomenon, y'know.” He starts, one finger up in the air. “And besides, he's coming to my birthday party, so I needed to give him some details, nothing much.”
Jake’s breath feels heavy at the mention of tomorrow's party. He really can’t get a day’s rest from all this, can he?
“Ok… so, what did he say?” He wants at least some benefit from that conversation.
“Oh, I can’t tell you, it was a private talk.”
“What? You’re literally my friend, not his, you’re supposed to help me out.”
“Hey, do you want me to tell him about your obsessed fangirl behaviour the first time you saw him again?” Sunoo quickly attacks, brows furrowed. “I don’t tell him about your weird stuff you have going on, so I also do not tell you about his.”
And well, that’s fair, when Jake thinks about it. But he still wishes his friend would just tell him. Why does he have to be so loyal to everyone, and how does he know who’s the right person to trust?
“Oh, come on, you literally met him yesterday” Jake sulks.
“So? That's more than enough time for me to get to know someone.” Sunoo answers matter-of-factly. “Y’know, if you would just try not being a pussy for once, you would get there too.”
Jake’s jaw drops open, brows furrowed. “Okay, now that was unnecessary. Why is everyone against me these days?” He whines.
“Honey, you know I love you, but honestly, most of the time you are the one against yourself.” He answers with unexpected sincerity in his voice. “Just think about what you want ok? Don’t rely on what Sunghoon or I tell you, do what you feel is right.”
He knows perfectly what he wants, only if there were no consequences. Only if he could stop thinking about being hurt and dumped again. It’s just scary, not knowing how his current actions will affect his future.
The conversation starts to sound a bit too serious for Jake’s liking, so he smoothly changes the subject. Their chat continues until they reach the school shop.
“Okay, I’m going to get some snacks now. Don't wait for me though, you can head to class already.” Sunoo says as he walks off in another direction.
Jake doesn’t even have a chance to say anything before the other is already gone, so he heads to class as originally planned. He always goes to school way earlier than it’s needed to. He tells himself that it’s because of his class president duties, but in reality he just likes to spend those 10 minutes before class alone, in silence.
It’s still too early for his classmates to be at school, hence, he doesn’t expect to meet anyone.
However, when he enters the classroom, there's a figure lying on one of the desks, half covering Jake’s side of it. As he gets closer, he right away recognizes the napping face, covered by the sun shining through the window.
“Well, somebody's sleepy.” He whispers under his breath, smiling softly.
He knows class shall be starting soon, so he has to wake Heeseung up. But just not yet, he thinks. He carefully observes the latter’s slightly parted, pursed lips. Chest slowly rising and falling. He sleeps so peacefully, his cheeks all flushed with a soft pink colour. It must be so hot in the sun, so Jake lifts his hand and holds it in the air at just the right angle to shield Heeseung's face from the sun rays. He barely resists the abrupt urge to run his fingers through the burgundy soft strands of hair falling on the sleeping face.
Before he has a chance to wake the older up, his body begins to squirm slightly, eyes softly opening, looking directly at the other. Their eye contact lasts longer this time, causing Jake’s heart to beat at an impossibly fast pace. He honestly feels like he’s going to pass out.
“Jake?” A hoarse voice reverberated, eyes blinking away the sleep. He looks up at the younger, straightening up from the desk.
As soon as Jake opens his mouth to say something, two girls come into the classroom, talking and minding their own business. He feels as if he’s been woken up from a dream.
“Y-you fell asleep. I was just about to wake you up so the teacher won't get mad.” He says, voice a bit trembling. He takes his hand away, sits down at his new place, next to Heeseung and starts to take some books out of his bag. He feels the latter’s gaze at him but doesn’t reciprocate it.
“Thank you” he barely manages to hear from his seatmate.
The clock shows 5 more minutes before the class starts, so more students keep coming in. Including his friends, who are trying to communicate with their hands from afar of the classroom, so that Heeseung wouldn’t see it. Except that he definitely does, considering how clumsily and stupidly they try to get Jake to understand their sign language. So it all turns out more embarrassing than if they had just come and talked to him.
The physics teacher walks in and the class finally starts. It’s his favourite subject, so he really needs to concentrate and be the good student he always is.
*
More or less 10 minutes into the class, he feels Heeseung’s soft hand tapping his own. He hands him a small note with something written on it.
'How's Layla? I miss her so much' with a little puppy drawn on the side. Jake feels like he’s melting. He tears out a blank page from his physics notebook (he would never do that before) and writes on it with a pink glitter pen (the first thing he grabbed out of his pencil case).
'She’s doing fine' he pauses, thinks for a moment and then continues writing 'I think she also misses you' with a little smiley face.
He hands the note to Heeseung and sees his forever favourite toothy smile as the older reads the message. He can't help the grin that grows on his own face in response.
He doesn’t want this to end so he grabs his pen again. Writing is somehow easier than talking.
'Sorry if Sunoo bothered you too much last night, I just found out this morning.'
Their hands brush with every passed note. The elder moves his leg to the side until it touches Jake's knee. Their every smallest physical contact drives Jake crazy.
Heeseung gives him a quick glance before answering on paper. 'Don’t worry, he didn’t. He’s so nice.' and then, written lower down on the sheet 'He actually helped me figure some things out.'
Jake's brows furrow. What things? Why does Sunoo apparently know more about Heeseung than he does? He wants to know everything, but on the other hand, he’s aware it's none of his business. Therefore, he settles on something less noisy.
'I have a question then. Why did you switch schools?'
Heeseung’s light smile suddenly drops, but he still accepts the note and starts scribbling something on it.
' Don’t want you to know, don’t want to talk about it, Jake'
' But I want to know. Is the rumour true? You really attacked some prick? I want to hear the truth from you, ‘cause I honestly do not believe that shit. The Heeseung I know wouldn’t do that.'
He wonders if he’s crossed the line as he sees the latter’s pained expression at the passed note.
Heeseung gives him the paper sheet back, no longer looking him in the eyes, as if the board’s contents had suddenly become interesting. 'You don't know me anymore then.'
With every word Jake reads his stomach feels tighter and tighter, to the point of feeling nauseous. He definitely has crossed the line.
But I want to get to know you, even if it means doing it all over again, Jake thinks. Why can’t Heeseung understand that? More thoughts invade his mind, but he doesn’t write anything more. He just stares at the note, as if it will make him find some hidden meaning behind it. It doesn’t.
When the bellring resounds through the school corridor, Jake leaves the class as fast as possible. He needs some fresh air. As soon as he enters the school’s campus a cold breeze hits his face. Normally, he would complain about it, but at this moment it was exactly what he needed. He sits down on the nearest bench and hides his face in his palms. The only thing running through his head is how far can he go?
After a while he begins to shiver from the cold and regrets not taking his hooded sweatshirt from the classroom.
Suddenly Jake feels a warm hand on his cold, frozen shoulder. He looks up and sees the reason for all his recent concerns.
“You’re going to catch a cold.” Heeseung says, handing him his forgotten hoodie. “Can we talk?”
“Yeah… have a seat” He requests, covering himself with the clothing and making space for the other.
“What I wrote… I didn’t mean it in any way to offend you, Jake. It’s just that… there’s a lot of things I’ve done that you’re not aware of. A lot of things I’m ashamed of and I don’t want especially you to know about it. Don’t want to see your disappointed face looking at me-”
“But I want to. I want to know you, Heeseung. And yes, the real you, not some memory I hold in my head… Tell me everything I need to know to understand.” he whispers, reaching for one of the latter’s palms to hold in his two hands. Maybe it will be easier that way, he thinks. Heeseung looks down at their connected hands then back at Jake and gulps. “Besides, it can’t be that bad.” He adds. “Sunoo apparently trusts you and he’s really good at figuring people out. Honestly, I rely more on him than on myself with that kind of stuff.”
For a moment, all that's audible is the wind whistling through the trees, their orange leaves rustling.
“Okay” Heeseung starts, taking a deep breath. “First of all, I want you to know something. It was never your fault, what happened between us. I hated myself for letting you think that way for such a long time, when it was actually all on me. Back then, I knew I had to be very careful with… what we had going on. You know what my parents were like. I was perfectly aware that as soon as they found out it would be over. They would ruin everything, Jakey.” He finally looks the younger deep in the eyes.
“When you told me how you felt, my world literally collapsed. I stupidly believed that turning you down was the only way. But I never ever wanted to end our friendship. It wasn't until you stopped answering my calls and texts that I realised how badly I'd messed things up. I couldn’t let myself force you to see me either. I thought that the only way I could help was to stay away from you and in that way never hurt you again. After that, my parents made sure I went to a different highschool than you did. Funny how they only ‘cared’ about me when it came to me being gay.” He laughs bitterly.
Jake just stares at the elder, mouth slightly open, brows furrowed, trying to believe the words he hears. He feels like he has been living in some bubble all these years, being completely wrong and clueless. Even a single word can’t be uttered.
Heeseung continues. “S-so, after we split up, when the new school year started… well, my parents had a car accident. I shouldn’t even have been sad because it was all their fault, they were drunk as usual and I should’ve been glad that no one else got injured instead. But I was still a kid back then and couldn’t think about it that way. They spent some time in hospital, but didn't survive.” He finishes as he looks straight ahead, eyes locked on something, not even blinking.
Jake feels pressure behind his eyes, but quickly shakes it off. He can’t make this about himself. He never really met Heeseung’s parents, always hearing various excuses from him as to why he shouldn’t. Now he comprehends why. Jake never hid his sexuality, never felt the need to.
He still doesn’t know what to say though. Should he comfort the latter? Should he stay quiet and let him talk? How could he not know about any of this for so long?
He squeezes Heeseung's hand. “Hyung… I-I’m so sorry I-”
“No, don’t be, Jakey. It’s all fine now. You know how they were. We never got along, I actually hated them most of the time, probably as much as they hated me. But even though we were never close and all, they still were my parents, y’know. I was still young so it affected me a lot.”
“Yeah, I understand. I’m sorry you had to go through that alone, I’m sorry I was so oblivious-”
“Jake, stop. I chose to be alone, it’s all on me. You have nothing to be sorry about... After that, I had to repeat a year at school and live with my aunt until I became an adult. Last year, when I hit 18, I had to move out and live on my own, which was honestly better than living with that old woman. I was really lost at that time and had to get some money the easier way to make ends meet.” He stops talking.
“I understand…” Jake has an inkling of what ‘the easier way’ means, so he decides not to dwell on the topic. “So, why did you switch schools in the end?”
“Uhh, you know, some privileged assholes had a problem with me and it resulted in a couple of fights. There’s no need to tell you the details. It was just bad enough to get me kicked out of the school.”
“Really? That’s it?”
“Yeah” He answers quickly, looking down at the ground.
He doesn’t quite believe Heeseung in the last part, but doesn't push any further. He's already heard enough. His head falls carefully on the taller’s shoulder. “Thanks for telling me.” he whispers softly. There’re so many things Jake wants to say, to ask about, but he thinks it may not be the right time. Therefore they sit like this listening to the sounds of nature until the bell rings again.
*
At home, Jake has a lot to think about, his head feeling heavy with all the new information. He’s itching to tell someone, to let Sunghoon know how clueless he’s been for all these years. But most of all he needs the world to know that he, in fact, hasn’t been dumped like some worthless teenage sexuality exploration. He just found out that the things he has been telling himself since the incident were all in his head. Right?
That day, back in middle school, Jake felt like the biggest fool. After the rejection he immediately assumed that Heeseung was straight and saw him just as a friend. However, one thing never sat right with him. Jake just wanted to make their situation official, but things have been already going on beforehand. He could have been a bit delusional, sure, but not to the point of misinterpreting them holding hands while playing games or Heeseung telling him all those sweet things he wanted to hear so badly. They never talked about it, but for Jake the situation was pretty clear.
He was so confused when the older reacted the way he did to his confession. Heeseung’s smile immediately dropped, all shocked, as if they didn’t just kiss for the first time in Jake’s room before he had to come back home. The moment Jake saw the latter’s face he knew it was over.
He and Sunghoon just assumed that Jake was some sort of experiment for the elder, an easy opportunity to explore his sexuality and as soon as it got serious, he didn’t like it anymore. But apparently this wasn’t the case.
Of course Heeseung didn’t state anything about their current situation, but at least Jake now knows that he wasn’t just crazy back then.
As much as he wants to tell someone, he can’t. Heeseung has shared a piece of himself and his past with Jake. He would rather die being alone with that knowledge than shatter the precious trust he’s been endowed with.
*
The next morning Jake wakes up not quite sure where, who and why he is. He’s dehydrated and has a duvet mark on his face. That alone tells him he had a good night's sleep.
He groans and reaches for his phone on the nightstand. His eyes widen at the sight. Firstly, it’s almost 11 pm, which is definitely too late for Jake, and secondly, there are several unread messages from their group chat and a lot of unanswered calls and texts from Sunghoon.
His heart stops at the memory of yesterday. After the eye-opening talk with Heeseung, his mind was completely full. Normally, he would just talk to Sunghoon, but he can’t. He has to keep that conversation to himself until Heeseung decides he’s ready for others to know. Therefore, he needed to be alone.
After class he went straight home and put his phone on silent mode. There’s one thing though - he forgot to tell Sunghoon.
He decides to open the group chat first.
DON’T LEAVE XX
10:06
Sun
okay girls, a quick reminder, the party starts at 9 PM, but you better be sooner or I’m going to beat your ass
Wonie
Yeah, about that, me and Jay are gonna be a little late. Sowyyy ^^
Sun
BITCH
you had one job.
at least explain yourself.
Hoon
Has anybody contacted Jake since yesterday at school?
Jay
Sorry Sun, I’m working late today :(
I tried to talk to my manager but you know what an ass he is.
Sun
ok, you have work but what excuse does the unemployed one have?
Wonie
Well, I’m the support obv.
We’ll come as soon as Jay’s shift ends, promisee <3
Hoon
Sure, ignore me all you want.
Sun
??
ohh
we only talked a bit after class but he went straight home.
weren’t you with him?
Hoon
Well, I obviously wasn’t.
He hasn't answered since I last saw him.
Jay? Won?
Jay
Well, all I heard from him yesterday was how gross I am when he walked on me and Won in the bathroom.
He’s such a nice friend, isn’t he?
Sun
deserved.
seriously just get a room sometimes.
private room*
Wonie
Okay, now who are you to talk??
I also haven’t talked with him after class tho.
He probably has his beauty sleep now, don’t worry.
Hoon
Ughh you’re all so helpless guys, seriously thanks.
Sun
maybe ask Heeseung?
I saw them talking a lot between classes, maybe he knows something.
Hoon
Why would this dick know more than I do?
But fair, that’s Jake, it’s possible.
I don’t think I have much choice anyway.
Oh he’s fucked. He just wanted to rest and now he feels like he went missing. On the other hand, he’s grateful to have someone who cares about him. It feels really nice.
He quickly opens the conversation with Sunghoon to reply before he does something unnecessary.
17:46
Hoon
Are you still at school?
I just went for a piss, but I don’t see you anywhere.
Guess you went home? Text me when you arrive.
19:34
Hoon
Jakeyyy
Are you home?
I noticed you were talking to Heeseung today, but didn’t want to bother you two.
So call and tell me what happened if you want, ok?
23:50
Hoon
Jake, I swear, if I wake up tomorrow and your dumb ass still hasn’t answered, I’m coming.
09:05
Hoon
Ok, you clearly want me to come over.
So nice of you :)
I’m going to wait till 11 but after that - count your hours.
10:58
Jakey
shit.
I’m so sorry hoonie.
I really didn’t mean to scare you.
just needed some time for myself to think and completely forgot to tell you beforehand.
sorryyy :((
I will make it up to you somehow, I swear.
but first, please just tell me you didn’t text Heeseung.
At the exact moment his last message was sent, his phone vibrates and shows a new message notification. His heart stops once again. So he did, in fact, text Heeseung. Fuck.
Heeseungie
hey Jake, are u okay? Sunghoon texted me.
are you home?
I can come over if you need.
I'm worried, please answer as soon as you can.
He shivers at the nicknames. They didn’t even change them for all those years. Massage after massage appears on the screen. How fast can Heeseung type? It’s honestly impressive.
Jaeyunie
Hi, I’m all fine, sorry you had to get involved.
I was just sleeping.
Heeseungie
u sure?
if you need anything, tell me, okay?
Jaeyunie
I really don’t, it was just a misunderstanding.
see you at the party then?
Heeseungie
yeah
see you, Jakey.
His stomach is going crazy. Heeseung really seemed worried. Does he really still care that much? Okay, Jake needs to be at that fucking party, that’s for sure.
Another notification shows up on his phone screen.
Hoon
You really will be the cause of my death someday.
God, Jake I was so scared.
Don’t do this ever again, just let me know next time.
Jakey
I know, I will, promise :]
I still think you overreacted tho.
Hoon
You literally could be laying somewhere dead without no one knowing.
So, you want to talk about it?
Jakey
about what?
Hoon
Well, about whatever you had to think about so long.
You know you can talk to me, Jakey.
Jakey
I know, just don’t want to talk about it now.
but don’t worry hoon, nothing happened, i’m really fine.
He sighs and leaves the conversation. It’s after 11 AM now and he really needs to pull himself together.
DON’T LEAVE XX
11:27
Jakey
hello everyone, I’m alive.
Sun
JAKE YOU’RE NOT MISSING
good, cause i really need a hair and makeup model.
please tell me at least you’re going to be sooner.
Jakey
I will.
not sure about the model thing tho…
Sun
oh come on, you know you can’t do your own makeup the way I will :]
besides, you need to look stunning today.
He just sighs, puts his phone aside and finally gets up. He won't even pretend he doesn't know what Sunoo means.
*
Two hours before the party, Jake sits on the countertop in Sunoo’s bathroom, legs swinging in the air, while the other tries to do his eye make-up.
“Oh my god, can you stay still for once?” The younger whines. “How am I supposed to make you look pretty when you can't even keep your ass still for 10 minutes?”
“Sorry” Jake pouts. “I don’t know if it all isn’t pointless though. I’m not even sure he’s going to be there.”
“Honey, I don’t think worrying about that will do you any good.” He pauses. “What was it all about this morning though? Sunghoon seemed really worried when I talked to him. It was Heeseung you had to think about, wasn’t it?”
“Well… yes, but I can’t tell you anything more.”
“That’s fine. I’m not asking for details y'know. Just wondering how you feel about the relationship between you two. Have you already made the decision we've talked about earlier?”
“Um… It’s complicated y’know, but I’ve realised one thing. He makes me feel something different, something I haven’t felt even once since our last encounter.” He gulps then looks up, so Sunoo can do his mascara. “You know how much I forced myself to feel it again with anyone else, but I just… couldn’t. I’m still scared, having no clue what he wants and how he feels about me, but I think I would hate myself for not even trying.” He stops for a second so Sunoo can apply lip gloss on his softly pink lips. “Thus I think I’ll just go for it. Just let it happen, y’know. I don’t want to rush it, but won’t deny it either, that’s for sure.”
Sunoo just looks at him with his bubbly, bright smile. “I’m glad to hear that, Jakey. I’m really proud that you’ve finally thought about your needs.” Then he pulls away from the older and starts to clean up the mess they made. “All done”.
When Jake looks in the mirror he looks… well, hot. He naturally has a pretty face, but this is just different. It’s not too much but definitely enough, just the perfect amount of eyeliner and eyeshadow, slightly reddened lips gleaming with lipgloss. Once again, he’s again grateful to have someone to take care of him. Even when it come to make-up.
*
Around 9 PM people, who Jake doesn’t even particularly recognize, start showing up. Sunoo is busy greeting everyone and being the great host that he is, so Jake just sits on the couch in the living room observing the constantly opening and closing front door.
He’s dressed in a black fit crop top, which Sunoo practically forced him in, loose jeans and a checked mini skirt he found in Sunoo’s closet over it. Is it too much?
First, he recognises Sunghoon in the crowd. They talk a bit, but if he notices the change in Jake's appearance, he doesn't bring it up.
Jake is so nervous that he doesn’t even recall his friend leaving to ‘get some drinks’. He’s so caught up looking at the front door, waiting for a familiar face to show up, that conducting a conversation with him is probably difficult. Thus he doesn’t blame Sunghoon for clinging now somewhere to Sunoo following him around with a grin on his face. He really gets it, but he also really needs a drink. He won’t survive a night in that state. Hence he finally gets up from the couch to get his own drink, not waiting for Sunghoon.
There are some couples kissing in the kitchen, one of them right against the fridge, which he’s aiming at. God, the party has just started, he thinks. He mumbles an annoyed ‘excuse me’, which causes the couple to move away, but still glaring at him as if he had just ruined their whole night. Jake couldn’t care less thus he grabs a couple of drinks that Sunoo prepared earlier and goes back to the living room.
Still no Heeseung within sight. How long is he supposed to wait? It’s 10 PM and he’s sipping his second drink now.
“Woah, easy with that” he hears Sunghoon's voice approaching him. “What do you need that much for?”
“Well, it’s for the others too” he tries, even though he’s the only one sitting here. “Here, have a sip.” He hands one of the beverages to his friend.
“Ugh, I think I’ll have to stay sober tonight, looking at your already tipsy ass” annoyance audible in his voice.
“What? No, don’t. I’m gonna make it home on my own just fine” he whines, suddenly feeling guilty. “Just have fun Hoon, I’m gonna stay here if necessary” he adds, laying himself down out on the couch.
“Yeah, sure” he snorts. “I’m coming back to Sunoo for a while, okay? But seriously, don’t get too drunk, I won’t be dragging your ass to the car again.”
*
Jake is not the type of person to get drunk at a party and then be a pain in everyone’s ass. He doesn’t even usually go to parties, so how did he end up like this? Completely sprawled out on the couch, drink in hand, talking to some guy he doesn’t even know, about his situationship problems.
“So, y’know, what was I supposed to do, right?” His words slurred, mixing together. “He just leaves me with all this information, without stating anything, then acts like he cares, but doesn’t even show up at the party we both agreed to be at? Hello? Am I the problem?”
“Well, Jake, I think that guy’s just a pussy.” The unfamiliar face answers.
“You know what Brian-”
“Brayden.”
“Yeah, Brayden. Fuck it. I take it all back. I will dance with you.” He states, then gets up, surprisingly steadily, and leads Brian (or Brayden, or Brandon, he doesn’t quite recall) to the dance floor.
They start moving to the music. All the lights blinding him in the eyes hence he doesn’t even see the other guy’s face, in his favour. It helps him imagine dancing with someone else, he pictures those big doe eyes looking directly at him like he’s the only one worth looking at.
Except, when he opens his eyes and looks around, he actually sees the person from his imagination standing in the corner, piercing Jake with his gaze. Is the alcohol making him see things? Is this real?
Jake’s not going crazy. Heeseung must have come while he wasn’t looking.
He takes advantage of the situation and starts dancing a bit more physically, a bit more sensually looking directly into Heeseung’s hungry eyes.
The elder hands his solo cup to someone talking to him and goes in Jake’s direction. His breath catches in his throat. “Move.” is all it took for Heeseung to scare off the guy Jake was dancing with.
Now that Jake can take a better look, Heeseung looks breathtaking. He’s wearing a dark sleeveless shirt, fit black slacks with a flannel tied around his hips and low heeled shoes. He’s getting closer and closer to Jake, holding their eye contact until finally closing the distance between them. Their bodies begin to move to the rhythm of the music, Heeseung’s hands on the younger’s waist.
“So, you show up two hours late, scare off my dance partner and expect me to just forgive you?” Jake starts, words a bit slurred, hooking his connected hands behind Heeseung’s neck.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing. Something important came up, sorry Jakey.” He says, alcohol perceptible everytime his mouth opens.
“More important than me?” Jake asks, pouting, unconsciously showing his puppy eyes.
Heeseung’s expression changes as he brings his lips to the younger’s ear. “Never.” He whispers. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Mhm” Jake can’t stop the whimper that leaves his mouth, caused by the action.
“You’re driving me crazy Jaeyun-ah, all dressed up, lookin' fuckin' gorgeous” His dark with lust eyes fixed at Jake’s plump lips. Their faces so close that he can feel Heeseung’s every alcohol-scented breath.
“For you, hyung.” Their lips brushing now with every word uttered. His heart beats at an erratic pace.
Their moving bodies suddenly stop, just pressing against each other. Heeseung’s hand moves slowly from Jake’s waist all the way up to his flushed cheek. Next thing Jake knows, the taller leans down and presses their lips together, head slightly tilted.
Initially, the kiss is gentle but the longer it lasts the deeper it becomes. A little moan slips out of Jake’s lips as the arousal in his gut grows with each passing second. He wants to feel Heeseung’s touch so badly, he wants more. Everything feels so blurry, but still so good.
Suddenly he feels another hand pulling him out of Heeseung’s embrace.
“We’re going home.” The serious, familiar voice reaches his ears. It's Sunghoon. He’s being dragged by his hand off the dance floor towards the exit of Sunoo’s house.
“Wait, Hoon. What are you doing?” He whines, but the words are barely coming out of his mouth. His surroundings become more and more blurred. He hears Heeseung saying something to Sunghoon but he doesn’t quite catch it.
“You’re both drunk. I’m taking Jake home.”
“Hoon, stop. You’re not my babysitter, just leave me alone. I want to be with Hee now!” Jake cries out pathetically, words slurred. He can barely stand still now, a nauseous feeling bubbling in his stomach.
“If you don’t want a babysitter then stop acting like a fuckin' baby! It’s all fine until he dumps you again and you come to me crying your eyes out. You’ll regret this tomorrow Jake, so just come with me now and don’t make a scene. And you-” he points at Heeseung. “You should know better. If Jake is just another sexuality experiment for you, find another.” He says directly into the other’s stunned face.
Jake doesn’t feel well.
“Come on Jake, we’re leav- Oh god.” That’s all he hears before he falls to his knees and starts throwing up in the middle of the living room. The only thing he registers afterwards is Sunghoon quickly leading him to the bathroom, before the vomiting could start again, and Sunoo's loud gasp at the mess he made on his carpet. That's not quite how Jake expected this night to go. Not at all how he wanted it ot be.