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Before you, I was nothing.
Really, who was I, before you? Nobody at all. No one worth mentioning. No family, no friends, no connections to any other living beings. I simply existed without purpose, drifting from one point to another, hoping to come across a reason to keep on living.
I will never forget the day you greeted me with your smile for the first time.
It would be most apt to say that you ‘raised’ me. Both in a figurative but also literal sense. I was never really taught the rules of the world, nor did you try too hard to instill those to me. Not that I really minded, because all I desired now was to spend time with you, learning everything you wished to bestow upon me. I drank everything you poured out to me, holding myself out to you with outstretched hands. There was no higher power I believed in other than you, and I knew that I had finally found what I was living for.
Not that you wanted me to follow that path. You wanted me to assist you in serving humanity. Your loyalty laid strictly with that cause, and I respected it. I nevertheless treasured the time we spent together, and held everything you taught me in the highest regard.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have held all my cards in one hand, so close to my chest.
Remember when we would delight in the small joys of life? Strolls down to the town square, watching people live their lives as we sought out the next small establishment to explore. You loved meeting new people, seeing their smiles and hearing their joy. You loved to taste sweet desserts and would ramble on about the next big idea to help secure happiness for the future generations to come. When my curiosity got the better of me, you’d chastise me lightly and instruct me to slow down, and ask my questions one by one.
We no longer had such time for those joys when the Dawn of Revival approached.
Your ideas on how to help humanity were always very lofty, but who would have known the consequences of your hubris? It was no longer just you and I, but several others who came to help you in the time of need. It was a grave era, and the others wanted to serve humanity just as well as I did. I regret not being able to grow closer to them, as they were also your disciples as I was, but I had never learned how to communicate well with others.
Even then, I could have still considered them friends. We all wanted to help humanity in the looming dark age that was approaching. However, as our ideas on how to exactly serve humanity differed, we began to splinter. Especially as you grew more tired and haggard, there was less and less of you to look towards. The others insisted they had to do what was necessary to help humanity, and I left them to their own devices. When it was time for you to depart into The Backyard, I couldn’t easily express how that made me feel. This harrowing emptiness inside of me, it was selfish to feel this… This was for the betterment of humanity, was it not? How dare I feel such jealousy in a dire moment as this.
Now you were gone. I had the seeds in my possession, but what use were they to me without you? I had to maintain my bitterness for the sake of people, for humanity. As our friends in the Sanctus Populi and I had differing opinions on how to progress, I made my firm bid of farewell.
I engrossed myself in my studies, desperately chasing a solution and method in helping humanity in its progression. If I could help humanity evolve, I could hypothetically have it surpass its need for you to be at odds with the Universal Will. Even then, I was still selfish. I was immature. Even as I grew to open myself up with others, I still was unable to fully understand other people as easily as I had understood you.
Yet the greed of humanity was too much for its own good. My research was to be turned into weapons to fuel war and destruction. This wasn’t going to aid humanity, only hurt it further. I didn’t force myself through countless days and weeks and months of late nights, sometimes all-nighters for my research to be used to hurt people. The best I could do is negotiate with higher-ups to prevent as much potential harm that could occur, but it was no use in the end.
I had tried my hand at friendship, but truly my inability to understand another’s wants and desires made things infinitely difficult. All I wanted was to help, and in a last ditch effort to try and help someone I cared about, I did a very risky thing. The seeds you gave me, I hoped would be the secret to finally overcoming my selfishness. Finally, I could actually help someone I cared about… Of course all of it backfired. In the worst ways possible.
What else can I say about the consequences of my foolishness? I didn’t know things would turn out that way. That pesky Universal Will was able to hijack my efforts and like an array of every growing dominoes, my faults were knocking into each other, causing worse and worse tragedy. I could sacrifice the loss of respect and friendship from my peers, but subjecting an entire world to death and destruction was a much harder consequence to bear. I will never forgive myself, and in fact, I’m not worthy of forgiveness. Not from anyone alive now.
Despite the numerous casualties, the countless suffering and incomprehensible torment caused, people still craved power. Did they not understand that any sort of power would end up in their own destruction? Perhaps such lofty concepts were lost on some, but I knew that I had to prepare a long life dedicated to atonement. I needed to at least prove that I could make up for at least some of my mistakes. I didn’t want to bring further shame to you. I already failed our goal of serving humanity and ensuring their happiness and progression.
Over the long years, I have had many enemies and very few allies. I could not bear any of them the burden of the title ‘friend’, as I had made that mistake before. Even former ‘friends’ had every right to want me dead, but it was not yet time for that. It was all a blur, and often I would fail to recall some things but I could never forget you. How could I? You were… who created ‘me’.
I wanted you to return, but also dreaded our reunion. How could I ever reconcile my numerous mistakes to you? You probably already knew of my many failings and was desperately trying to fix things from where I couldn’t find you. Or worse, you had already gone and I was going to atone for my failings forever on my own. I juggled those possibilities in my mind, considering which was the lesser of evils. Things were looking to become worse and worse as I realised the piling consequences tumbling after each other. As the threat of war loomed closer and closer, I was forced to engage with my ultimatum of my mistakes.
When I was imprisoned by that mysterious child assassin, I had ample time to consider my options. I was on the cusp of losing all hope. Many times throughout my life I had considered giving up, and I had always forced myself to keep going but it was getting harder to continue. I was possessed by fear and isolation, and it kept me shackled to my past. Those may have been the longest ‘weeks’ I had spent in my life. I was slowly aware of my own unraveling.
When that mysterious interloper delivered your words to me, it gave me hope. Of course it carried the weight of what was to come, but it was a sign that you continued to exist in some capacity. Yet it did not dispel my dread for what was to come, as I still lay locked in my cell.
It was the words of another of your disciples that allowed me to return my sights forward to the future. When I had found out that not all of your disciples were lucky enough to survive… I couldn’t help but feel solemn sadness. Despite our differences, we were still… friends, I think. Even when we were at odds, they simply were ‘trying to help’, and were forced to face the consequences of their actions, like I had. Truly, anyone I considered a ‘friend’ was doomed to face quite an unsavory fate.
It wasn’t easy, but I figured the worst of it was over. I could finally overcome many of my fears, and even made sure to allow another to wear the title of ‘friend’. Now that we had managed to stop the coming apocalypse and the Universal Will was under control, I thought I was able to let my guard down, for once.
I was a fool.
A pathetic, ignorant, immature fool.
Of course someone who had sinned so deeply, so irreparably, would not deserve any sense of calm. I would finally be able to reunite with you, teacher, but it was in neither of the ways I had suspected.
It was somehow worse.
There cannot be words to describe the feelings I felt. You would no longer be able to understand, after all. Despite the long years, I kept my image of you as pristine as possible, like one would with a priceless painting. With your reveal, it was as if someone had barged into my home where the painting lay, and set fire to the whole building.
Who were you?
An anomaly, unrecognizable, unfathomable. Your smile was somehow twisted, deformed and mutated into something sinister. Your thoughts, your ideas, all corrupted and warped. You claimed to exist to further humanity’s progression, but you also relished in its suffering. You can’t lie to me about that. The loving, caring figure I idolized, strove forward for eons for... the image of was completely shattered.
Outwardly, I could not express any of this sadness and turmoil. The years had numbed me to this sort of despair and I had never been good at expressing my feelings anyway. Internally however, I had never been so irate. You said you were driven mad, and I could say the same happened to me in an instant.
How should I put it?
I loved you.
I had never stopped loving you. I don’t care if I was overstepping my boundaries in our relationship of teacher and student, it didn’t stop me from loving you and only you. Yet now, the ‘you’ I loved no longer existed.
Maybe the ‘you’ I loved never existed.
The fury inside of me burned everything in an instant, leaving behind only charred ashes. Even rectifying my mistake with my former colleague lost its ceremonious weight in the aftermath of your reveal. I was simply going through the motions at this point. If you weren’t going to save humanity, I would still persist to do so. Your new form would say peace was ‘boring’, after all.
Perhaps that’s another reason why I escaped to the moon. I could not bear the company of other people, those who did not deserve my unbearable presence.
One might think it would be very lonely up there, but I never really excelled at maintaining friendships. In another effort to fix my mistakes, I created another self. One without the guilt, the weight of his mistakes, the burdens I normally bear. He does quite well, actually, but he has no problem in hating your current incarnation. I wish I could.
Yet, that devilish anomaly that calls itself ‘Happy Chaos’ is still ‘you’. Despite the flames, it seemed like my irrational feelings persisted. There must be some part of you still in there, deep down. Maybe something that was broken could still be fixed. Clearly, I haven’t learned my lesson on selfishness. Even if I could fix you, there is no guarantee that you would return my feelings. Yet, I would still wish for it, if not to have a moment to speak with you again, laugh with you, watch you smile and praise me like you used to. Call me nostalgic, but I’ve always wished for this. Even the mere modicum of hope was enough to banish any fury I had felt.
It seems like in the end, I’ve grown very little from when you were still here.
So… what now? As I continue my broadcasts from space, I have begun to notice slight radio interferences every now and then. It seemed like someone was trying to communicate with me, and I have a crippling fear of who it might be. If I’m wrong, then I could simply ignore it. However…
If it’s you…
Even if you’re no longer yourself, I’m unable to think critically when it comes to you. You are who made ‘me’, the original behind who I am today. I would not be ‘Asuka R. Kruetz’ without you. I want to see you smile, even if it’s twisted all up inside. I want to make you happy, even if it's from watching me in pain. Even if you don’t share my feelings… or return them…
You must be aware of them… right?
If you didn’t then you wouldn’t try so hard to get under my skin. Naming yourself ‘Happy Chaos’... I see how it is. Was naming me not enough, you had to name yourself with my words? I smile at that thought. I must be delusional.
Unfortunately, you know me too well. You’ve already crawled deep underneath my skin, and I can’t help but anticipate for the moment you make your way to where I reside now. You could do it whenever, I believe. I find myself thinking about you even more than I have in years. Your radio interferences have been growing clearer and clearer, to the point I can hear them in my mind when I try to sleep. My dreams are filled with nothing but you, smiling with your two forms. I can’t help but love both. I am simply unable to think reasonably. Perhaps it’s a century of loneliness finally catching up to me.
In fact, you’re right outside the door now. I can see your dark halo and blue horns from where I stand.
All I need to do is open the door, and let you in.
I love you, after all.