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During his first weeks working at the Agency, Atsushi had his first (and certainly not last) slip up. He was well aware that it would happen eventually, and seeing how stressed his mind was because of all the life changing events he’d passed through, it didn’t surprise him. Being thrown out of the place he grew up in, chased by a tiger, discovering that actually he IS that tiger and later being offered a job and a place to stay ocurred in such a short period of time, so many changes took place…
Not that he wasn’t glad to have freedom and not live under constant threat of punishment anymore, of course. Atsushi didn’t know how to thank Dazai-san and Kunikida-san enough for doing all of this for him. It’s just that he always had a hard time with changes.
But it’s fine! He can handle himself! It’s the least he can do.
~
Atsushi woke up like shit, the reminiscent feelings of his nightmare still present in his body. He didn’t remember a lot of it, but there was a part hard to forget, considering it wasn’t its first appearance on his nocturnal mind.
He was there again, stuck in the orphanage storage room. how he came to be in that place already forgotten. Atsushi was little when the original moment happened. A child, eight years or less. He’s hungry, his stomach hasn't had anything to digest for at least 2 days. The room’s almost empty, bare of the esential ingredients needed for a simple soup. At the corner of a decaying cabinet, though, the boy saw something. The sight of a small and withered carrot had made him almost cry, scrambling his frail legs towards it, grabbing and instantly biting the vegetable’s tip. It felt as though that single, almost rotting carrot, was the most delicious feast someone could have. He almost forgot that the door to that place was stuck, or locked, he wasn’t sure which one was right to begin with.
He should be alone in the storage, there was no one with him in that place.
So why did his tiger senses say otherwise?
The feeling of being watched, crippling in the back of his neck.
Someone’s watching him. Someone’s here.
Atsushi looked frantically around the room. Where? Where were they? And who is it? It can’t be a grown-up, they wouldn’t be able to hide in such a small place. So it can only be a child, maybe an orphan hiding from the adults…
Behind a forgotten shelf, eyes stared at the boy. Atsushi was paralised with fear. There isn’t space between the shelf and the wall, there isn’t space for someone to hide in. It looked like a shadow, a black silhouette of a child, the only color present was in the eyes. Blue, but not a natural eye color blue, it was unnatural, too saturated.
In fear, he scrambled backwards, accidentally knocking down a wooden bowl out of a table, clashing against the floor.
Oh oh… that isn’t good. Someone probably heard it and will come check out what was the reason for the noise. Atsushi wasn’t even supposed to be here, he should be at the kitchen cleaning the dishes.
No, no no no this isn’t good. He’s in trouble. He’s in trouble and will be punished accordingly because he did something he wasn’t supposed to.
He looked again at the shelf. There’s nothing, just cobwebs.
“And what do you think you’re doing here, pest?” An old woman opened the storage’s door. She worked at the orphanage and Atsushi had never seen her with a smile on her face. “can’t you do one thing that was asked of you without messing it up?” she yelled harshly, grabbing the boy”s thin wrist with force, hurting him.
“No, n-no no please, madam please i won't do it again! please-” Tears streamed across the younger's face, he’s pleading, even though he knows it’ll only make everything worse.
“NONSENSE. Everyone knows that you will! Don’t even waste your tears with me. The director will not be pleased with your actions.”
From there on, every nightly appearance of the memory in his brain was different. different kinds of punishments, different kinds of pain. Atsushi didn’t even remember what his actual punishment was for that mistake, he only knew that it’d hurt.
He brought his hands to his face, rubbing them in an attempt to brush off the reminiscents of sleep, and sat up, proceeding to blindly move his arms around the futon until his hands found his phone. The device’s clock informed the hours, 8:10 am. He had to be at the agency at 9 am, so it’s best to get up and start his morning.
Stucking to a routine always gave Atsushi a sense of comfort, in their familiarity and knowing what to expect more or less of the future. It calmed him, so he began his morning routine: clothes, food (always something light, like an orange and some crackers), bathroom… But the uneasiness he acquired when woken up still hadn’t left his mind completely. Trying not to think about that, he pushed on, taking his bag and tying his shoelaces, opening the door and going on his way to the agency.
~
“What’s happening here?” the boy asked, not directed to but looking at Dr. Yosano, who was standing perched on the wall of the ADA’s door. Tanizaki was sitting on the floor, reading a volume of a manga he started recently. He looked up and greeted the other, giving a thumbs up. Haruno, the agency secretary, was there too. She looked like she was concentrating on whatever was on her phone, but gave a quick nod to Atsushi as a good morning.
“The door won’t open.” the doctor clarified, crossing her arms. “Kunikida and Kenji have gone out searching for a locksmith, so we’re waiting.”
Atsushi gave an understanding “oh” and directed himself to the window at the end of the corridor. At this time of the morning there’s lots of birds flying through the city, starting their morning search for food, and seeing this parade of little creatures always scratched his brain in a good way.
‘Kunikida-san and Kenji-kun will probably come soon’, the boy thought.
Just five minutes later, he’s starting to get restless. He had the worst luck today. He knew that, eventually, the help would come and he’d be able to start his daily work. ‘But this was wrong,’ passed through his mind, ‘it shouldn’t be like this, it’s not what I should be doing right now. Wrong, this is wrong’.
Unconsciously, he rocling back and forth on his feet. He needed to calm down, this was such an stupid reason to have a tantrum over. Sure it wasn’t something he expected would happen, but it wasn’t bad. Just an inconvenience, a really uncomfortable inconvenience.
Forcing himself to stop doing such odd movements, Atsushi willed himself to stare at a random point in the corridor’s wall. ‘Are you going to cry just because of this? Stop being a crybaby’ he thought, trying to block out any signs of discomfort.
About three minutes later, Kunikida, Kenji and a supposed locksmith arrive, with the issue being quickly resolved, the ADA finally able to start its work day, just an hour or less after.
~
After the unexpected situation had been solved, the morning so far has been rather boring. Sure, the weather’s beautiful, with a radiant sun shining through all Yokohama, and Naomi brought some cookies she’d made the previous day (and, in all honesty, they were delicious) but there weren’t any cases today and Atsushi, being, hopefully, a good employee, had already finished all of his pending paperwork.
That leaves the boy with no excuses to avoid doing what he least wanted to. Working in the renewal of his documents and issuing the ones he still hadn’t.
When he was kicked out of the orphanage, the only document they gave him was his (expired) ID. He learned after that he’d need some other documents, too, if he wanted to simply live in a society.
All of the bureaucracy gives him headaches.
Not to mention the other headache-inducing factor acting in his life right now. The Port Mafia seemed really keen on the bounty placed on Atsushi’s head, and they’re eager to collect it. He’d already encountered some members of the organization, but that gothic guy caught on his nerve. Although it was cool to discover that the tiger can regenerate lost limbs, He did not appreciate having them taken away from him in the first place. The situation made Atsushi look like a gecko. He did not want to look like a gecko.
It was now around midday. Atsushi’s luch break had started 10 minutes ago but he hadn’t even noticed, too focused on the damn documents. Even with Kunikida helping him, the process was still so confusing. There were so many details to keep in mind, he felt as though he was in the orphanage school again, trying to understand the math problems his teacher had assigned to the class.
The boy’s frustrated. Nothing seems to go well today and he’s getting overwhelmed.
But, like with his old math problems, Atsushi won’t stop trying! to make the words and numbers make sense. He read the requisites again and again, hoping he’d understand something. He had to. Otherwise, of what worth would he be to the agency? They gave him house and food and he couldn’t even do one thing right.
“Atsushi-kun, me and the others are heading to cafe Uzumaki downstairs for lunch. Wanna come with us?”Junichiro asked, totally not scaring the other and making the tiger slightly flinch, while putting his red hoodie on.
“Ah- no, thanks, Tanizaki-kun!” Atsushi blurted, “I’m not hungry yet and I have to figure this thing out,” he pointed at the computer screen. “But thanks for the offer! I appreciate it”.
He’s feeling miserable, but gave the best smile he could make at the time.
Getting outside of the office, the ginger replied with what Atsushi presumed was a genuine smile “Alright. If you need any help just call me up”.
Until that moment, he hadn’t noticed he’s now alone at the office, and how silent it became. He could hear the cars passing through the avenue and people chatting away while walking.
Sincerely, Atsushi did want to go with Junichiro and have company while eating his lunch, but… he had to finish this. It did not matter what he wanted, he already had a roof on top of his head and a well paid job. To ask for more would be selfish, and that would be bad. They’d be disappointed in him, Kunikida-san mainly.
Atsushi respected the man. Because of Dazai-san’s rather lack of self care, he wasn’t the best one to teach the younger the basics essentials (washing clothes, prepping food, all the stuff he hadn’t a good grasp on), so Kunikida-san took upon himself to teach all those things to his subordinate.
He would be so disappointed to notice that his lessons were worthless – that the boy was worthless, that he was good for nothing and should just d-
*ding* His computer gave him a notification – just an email. He’ll read it later.
Atsushi started to get agitated, unconsciously flapping and shaking his hands, that is, until he noticed it, stopping immediately after, embarrassed, although nobody’s there to have seen it.
His head hurts. To be honest, his whole body hurts. Not because of anything, it was just uncomfortable, itchy. Maybe if he stops moving it’d help.
With his body now completely tense, Atsushi looks at the computer screen again, eyes accompanying the words, though not actually reading them.
Fuck this.
He wanted to trash out– to scream, to rock back and forth.
But he couldn’t.
Not that he’s stopping himself, the detective physically couldn’t. Just moving an inch of his body felt impossible, like he’d turned into a statue.
His eyes fixated at the first thing they passed through, that thing being, of course, the sticky note he had written earlier today, glued at the table, containing all of the things he should complete today.
He wanted to fulfill them, but he seems not to be able to.
He’s useless. Just completely useless.
Said word floated around his consciousness through an enormous amount of time, atleast that's what Atsushi guessed, having lost quite the grasp on the hours.
At some point, a screech alerted the opening of a door, but the boy still couldn’t move his head around to be able to see who opened it. God, he’s pathetic. The state in which he was in is pathetic.
Heels could be heard clacking towards the detective’s table. Once the unknown person seemed to be at his side, a tender and worried voice asked “Atsushi-kun? Are you feeling unwell?”.
Atsushi knew now who was at his side, the voice belonging to Haruno-san, the Agency secretary. He didn’t talk with her a lot, but she’s always calm and friendly, not to mention her undying love for cats and felines alike. He likes her.
The boy still felt like a statue, being able to just move his eyes around a little. That’s when he noticed the wetness coming from them. Shit, he’s crying and didn’t even notice it until now.
If that did not prove his thesis on how pathetic he was…
~
Going back to the office after lunch and seeing a worker colleague clearly in distress was not something Haruno was expecting. But you normally don’t expect those things, they come by surprise, and you have to think and guess what the best ways to help were.
She’s trying to figure it out at the moment. The younger was hunched over his desk, forehead almost touching the wood, arms and legs pressed against his body, tense, and hands curled into fists with a tight grip on nothing. That clearly is going to hurt after some time.
The secretary slightly crouched to be able to see Atsushi’s face. He’s crying and his eyes are open, focused on what seemed to be an ordinary mark on the table’s surface.
Earlier, when she addressed him, the boy gave a small flinch. Seeing his current state, she guessed physical contact may not be her best option for comforting him right now.
So the question was: what could she do to help Atsushi?
“Atsushi-kun, I'm going to make a cup of tea for you, okay?” she whispered.
The orphan made an barely audible grunt and hunched over even more. Haruno couldn’t help but think ‘good, at least he’s present’
The woman made her way to the coffee table, putting hot water on a mug and guessing which tea Atsushi would like most. While in the process, some sniffles could be heard coming from the detective’s table.
~
‘Shit shit shit shit shit’ Atsushi thought. ‘She saw me like that, she saw how worthless I am’.
“It’s what you deserve, scum.” The headmaster’s voice echoed in his mind. “You brought this upon yourself, stupid brat. If you weren’t such a crybaby, this would not have happened.”
His crying was getting worse, and his body urged him to run and hide, but, at the same time, made it impossible to do so. He still felt paralyzed.
The sound of a mug being put down gently at the table stopped his spiraling. The detective was so in his head, he didn’t even notice Haruno-san moving. “Dear, why don’t you try drinking a little of the tea? I think it’d help you get better.”
Atsushi started unclenching and clenching his fists, Haruno quietly watching on the side of the table. After a minute, she sees the boy slowly relaxing, bringing his trembling hands towards his face to dry the tears, not at any moment looking at the secretary’s direction. He looked ashamed, embarassed.
“Are you feeling a little better?”. Atsushi made a faint nod while steadily grabbing the warm mug with both hands and proceeding to put its brim on his lips.
The tea was really good. The smell was soothing and the warmth of the mug on his hands, comfortable. While he’s drinking, Haruno took the time to water the office plants, there’s lots of them thanks to Kenji. When she finished the task, Atsushi had almost drunk all of the mug’s content, and looked a lot more calm.
She made her way towards him again, saying still with a soft tone “Is there anything more I could do to help you?”
Atsushi wanted to answer, say she’d done more than he deserved, but it felt like his voice was stuck in throat.
What is wrong with him?
He shook his head. She didn’t need to worry about him.
A hand with painted nails landed on his table, attracting the younger’s attention. Haruno wasn’t touching him, but was close enough so that, if he wanted to, he could seek comfort in a hug. “Why don’t you go rest for the rest of the day, Atsushi-kun? I’m sure you did enough work today” she said with a warm and soft smile. “Don’t worry about lefting early, I can talk with Dr. Yosano and say that you had a headache or something and had to head home”.
What a temptatious offer… And it wasn’t that far from the truth. Now that the adrenaline wore off, his entire body was aching, but…. “I have to finish this thing…” he whispered, so low he could barely be heard.
“Does it have to be done today?”
“Oh- huh… not really…”
“Then that settles it!” the woman says, straightening up and clapping her hands.
A wave of panic hits Atsushi “huh… I– I don’t know if that would be allowed, though…” Uncertainty was plastered in his face.
He appreciated Haruno, of course, but what about their superiors? What about Fukuzawa? Would he be mad at Atsushi? Would he punish him for negligence? Atsushi knew things worked differently here in the ADA, he’s aware the orphanage was too harsh reacting to the orphans' misconduct, especially him, but… Everyone has their breaking point, right?
“You don’t need to worry about it, Atsushi-kun. You should really focus on relaxing a bit now.” The woman’s voice snapped him out of his train of thought. “I’m sure no one will have a problem with it.”
He was hesitant, afraid that the decision would backfire later, but Haruno-san was saying he could go with so much confidence. Atsushi sighs and makes a small nod “Ok, sure, then. Thanks, Haruno-san.”
The secretay gives him a frindly smile, and helps him pack his things up.
“Stay safe, alright, dear? If you need anything, please, contact me. You have my number, right?”. He takes his phone out of his pocket, saying “ahm… yes! Yes, I do… I will, thank you, again.”
~
Atsushi entered his dorm with a weird feeling. Despite him being a nuisance to everyone in the office, Haruno treated him with such gentleness.
Did she really care about him or just didn’t want to deal more with his stupid meltdown? The boy couldn’t tell.
Later that day, when the sun was setting and the sky had beautiful warm colors and pink clouds, Haruno brought some pastries to the boy’s dorm. None had lemon in them, something Atsushi couldn’t stand the taste off.
It was then that he reached a conclusion. She cared about him.
Having the realization made him warm and fuzzy, still not accustomed with people doing more than the bare minimum to him. Atsushi felt happy, and thought, maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t truly a nuisance, and the Headmaster was exaggerating.
Haruno had asked him if he’s feeling better. Atsushi did not lie to her, he did.