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It’s odd, isn’t it?
The end of the world.
It comes with so much noise, so much panic, so much violence–sirens and alarms blasting everywhere, people rioting in the streets and looting stores.
But it all ends in silence no matter what.
The streets are vacant and so are most of the apartments near them, people form camps outside because it's easier to run away when you’re not trapped in between four walls with them.
Them.
He's seen plenty of series with zombies and post-apocalyptic monsters, and honestly JJ feels lucky that the ones out there are closer to the classic slow walking zombie than any of the more terrifying creatures that horror directors create for a scarier effect.
Although, right now it doesn’t feel like it matters that much anymore, does it?
Because while he's running with Net behind him—from a group of zombies they had seen in a room of the apartment complex they were looting—he knows he can't run from what’s about to happen to him.
The wound on his arm stings and hurts, the blood is coagulating and sticking to the sleeve of his now not so white shirt, although luckily the sleeves were already so dirty that the redness of the blood just turns them maroon, avoiding any fussing over his death sentence from his companion.
Ironically enough, this shirt was a gift from Net, JJ had pretended not to know that it matched with one of Net’s own shirts when he had gifted it to him.
Things were more simple back then, before it all.
The playful game of cat and mouse they used to play, flirting with each other without commitment, yet everyone around them knew they were serious about each other, it had just felt right for Net and JJ to keep it a game for a little longer.
Now it was out of necessity, JJ couldn't afford to let Net be any more attached to him, even less so after what happened earlier.
They push through another door and now JJ thinks they’ll be safe for a little while, unless one of them is hiding in the room.
The gun pushed down inside his back pocket feels heavier today than it ever did, even the first day where he had had to use it to kill hadn’t made the weight of the metal feel so heavy and cold through the fabric.
There’s only two rounds inside, it’s enough.
JJ knows he's dissociating now, he’s staring off into the wall of the room but he's not seeing it truly.
He thinks he wants to puke.
Of course Net notices it, like he always does, always so attentive to him, so caring.
“Please be more enthusiastic,” he says moving towards him, and JJ can hear the bitterness in his tone.
“We both made it out alive together,” this time the tone is lighter, as if both of them being alive right now is truly something to celebrate.
Now it's JJ that feels bitter, it’s easy to hear it in the way he responds a bit too loudly– “Sure”, it’s almost petulant.
“Hey,” Net cuts it down immediately.
There's a hand on JJ’s face and Net is holding him to look straight into his eyes, JJ looks back with eyes wide open. The force behind the hold hurts less than the guilt that he feels ensnaring his guts.
The hand leaves his face and his eyes immediately flee, looking anywhere but back into Net’s devastatingly honest ones. It's scary to have someone so open about their own emotions through their eyes because JJ doesn't want to see the hurt that he will cause in them.
“I told you to be more enthusiastic,” net continues, “not shouty.”
JJ nods and tries to smile and look into Net’s eyes to show his sincerity, it comes off more awkward than anything, but right now it’s the best he’s got.
“My bad,” he sighs out apologetically and looks back down–still unable to hold Net’s gaze for long.
There’s a pause.
“You…”
JJ has a thousand questions to ask.
“You can’t live without me ?” He settles on the worst one, he knows this as Net instantly smiles and it’s too tender–too raw. Net replies immediately.
“Yeah.”
The way Net is looking at him now has him feeling the bile in his throat rise up again.
“You must be right by my side,” and he can hear how serious Net is about it too, which only makes this feel worse–JJ didn’t even think that was a possibility.
He tries to hold everything in, he has to be strong, he has to protect him even if that means a fight between them right now.
“I think… you have to learn to live by yourself now,” JJ pouts and tries so hard to look unimpressed.
It doesn’t work that well, and he can physically feel how his eyes are watering and about to spill. He still smiles through it, bittersweet.
He has to take a large breath in, and Net holds onto his arm–probably a reflex from JJ always being here to reassure him.
They lock eyes again and jj just feels despair.
Net is looking at him with so many emotions. There’s sadness, anxiety–but mostly worry. Because that's what Net does: worry for him.
“What I just said,” he pauses, “was serious.” He finishes like JJ doesn’t already know that so well.
There's nothing stopping the tears from spilling now and he tries to force them to stop. He can’t wipe them, that would be acknowledging he’s crying.
He’s never felt weaker in his life, absolutely powerless, and honestly JJ can’t even tell if the tears are out of rage or sadness, probably both.
Then Net says it.
“I love you.”
There’s nothing JJ wouldn’t trade to unhear it.
it feels unfair, so fucking unfair. He’s trying his best, surely Net can see it, so why, why would he say the one thing that JJ cant bear to hear right now.
“Why did you have to say it ?” JJ says because that’s exactly what he’s thinking.
Why.
Net looks even more devastated now, as if the main issue here isn’t their situation but the fact that JJ hasn't responded.
“I just want you to know,” Net says, holding his hand this time as he squeezes and brings it towards him before letting go.
“It’s fine if you don’t love me.” JJ wants to hit him.
He doesn’t do that though, he just shakes his head because obviously that is not the issue–in fact it’s the opposite.
“It’s not that I don’t,” JJ tells him, “it’s just…” God, why are his words running from him now of all times?
“This is not the time to talk about it,” he finally settles on, and this time it's JJ that can’t keep his hands to himself, he's grabbing net’s arm.
He has to do it now.
And he does, he pushes the sleeve of his shirt up and it’s there.
The bite jj got earlier when they had gotten separated running off.
He had fought well, as best as he could, but there was nothing he could do once the teeth of the beast had sunk into his arm. There was no remedy. No miracle.
He could probably last a day at most if his body was resilient, but the parasite would overtake him and he would become one of them.
“In a few hours,” JJ just continued, he couldn’t stop now, even with Net looking at him like this.
“We won't be able to understand each other anymore.” That had been more poetic than jj had expected it to sound, but all of it was lost on Net.
His grip on JJ’s arm was strong, too strong.
“Why didn’t you tell me ?!” Fuck, he sounded like he was about to cry and looked like it too.
The battle wasn’t over.
“Before I turn into a monster…” JJ trailed off, taking the gun out and looking at it, feeling his brain turn to mush at the sight of it knowing the final destination of the bullets inside.
“What are you doing ?” Net sounded unbelieving, and JJ didn’t know if Net doubted his will or simply couldn’t compute what JJ was implying.
“I don't wanna become one of those vile beasts,” maybe reasoning would work, “just let me die right now.” Finally getting those words out felt like a weight off his chest, but also like an anvil had dropped on his head. Never had he imagined dying so young.
A selfish part of him still did not want to, it wanted to accept Net’s words, wanted to just try to pretend the bite wasn’t there and continue to live his life normally.
JJ had never been selfish.
Net still doesn’t look like he can even accept this as a possibility, he’s shaking his head and trying to take the gun out of JJ’s litteral death grip on it.
“Give it to me.” It’s an order.
“I'll end myself here,” and of course jj isn’t going to listen to it.
Net is shaking his head again, but this time there’s genuine anger in his oh so expressive eyes and his jaw is clenched, JJ can tell he's biting down hard to avoid screaming.
“I won't let you do it.”
“Why ?”
Net had said that with an almost crazed look to his eyes, though JJ’s question had replaced it with a look of fond sorrow.
“Why don't you just let me go ?”
Please. Let me go so you can live.
That was what JJ had meant to say.
“I just wanna live my life with you,” Net had taken a shaky breath before replying, so much yearning in his voice. “I don't care what you'll become.”
Their faces were so close he could feel Net’s trembling breath caress his face. So close that it had almost distracted JJ from the way Net had gained back that crazed look in his eyes, and now JJ could see it for what it was, possessiveness, love, obsession, a mix of everything that stood in between them.
“I just love you, do you understand ?” His voice had gotten weaker, shakier, probably not helped by the amount of emotions Net was feeling at once.
‘I just love you.’
Just love you.
Love.
Ridiculous, stupid–insane useless love.
An obstacle. That was what Net’s love for him was right now. JJ had never claimed to be sane, especially after such fucking traumatizing events.
He could feel the smile on his face, mocking.
“You love me, don't you ?” Throwing back net’s words at him was a low blow, though just high enough for JJ to do it.
“Sure.”
His eyes locked onto the sleek black matte-finish of the steel glock.
He had never noticed how pretty it was.
“This gun has two bullets.” Without realizing it, his hand had already reached Net’s face, a gentle caress compared to the threat he had let out. Pushing harder letting his thumb dig into the flesh of Net’s chin and tilting the man’s head back, JJ continued.
“You love me that much, don't you ?” At his words, Net’s gaze had turned calmer, tender.
“What about we both just end it here?” Net’s half-lidded gaze and smirk looked almost sultry.
“Just kill me,” Net had let out like a prayer, worshiping at JJ’s altar. His hand that had been previously clawing at where JJ was holding the gun had simply fallen down in a slow caress as JJ brought the gun up to Net’s head. The click of the gun’s safety had been heard.
JJ hated the fact that all it had taken for Net to calm down was for JJ to threaten Net’s life instead of his own.
“I'm going to die either way,” was all the warning JJ had got, before the hand that had been just seconds ago lovingly holding onto his fell down and pushed up his sleeve, revealing Net’s matching bite mark that looked an even deeper burgundy than JJ’s.
His ears were ringing. His body felt cold, and his stomach had dropped.
Fuck.
“Kill me !” Net screaming hadn’t helped the disorientation fogging up JJ’s brain.
“Do it!”
JJ only realized Net was gripping onto him—enough strength to bruise—when he tried stepping back, only for Net to step further into his space.
He was unable to speak, trying desperately to escape from the intense and overwhelming sensations causing his developing panic attack.
“I won't…” Net’s voice cracked, “I'm not going to be around either way.” His voice in between a scream and a sob, Net finished, “all I want is just to be with you.”
Everything was spinning. JJ was pretty sure he was going to puke this time, he dropped to his knees and Net let him.
Nothing felt right, a bitter taste of his own medicine.
he had stayed on his knees, collapsed on the ground for a while longer. Once Net had calmed down, he moved JJ to lean back against the wall. He had given him water as well, and had hushed gentle words to him.
Eventually when his brain logged back in, JJ noticed the duvet Net had covered him with. He felt exhausted, unable to tell if it was simply how people felt before mutating, or if it was just the aftermath of their fight.
Once again, the silence was back.
It’s the end of the world after all.
JJ let his head drop onto Net’s shoulder, who was warm, sitting next to him. A few seconds later JJ finally croaked out after what had probably been two hours of absolute silence from him.
“Guess we will be together like you wanted after all.”
He hadn’t meant to laugh afterwards but it had spilled out–nerves, and probably the dramatic irony of it all.
Net reached for his hand and squeezed it, and spoke with a smile in his voice.
“Yeah, the rest of our lives. Together.”