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hao hated winter.
he runs cold and when winter approaches he feels like ice is flowing through his veins instead of blood. his friends still joke about it. the moment the air starts feeling cooler on their skin, they turn to hao, "you haven't frozen over yet!" they exclaim. hao laughs because despite them constantly making fun of him, they're also his home in a foreign land.
he remembers being a kid and being sick for the majority of winter. for him, winter had always been a blur of cough syrups and tissue boxes and his mother's soups. perhaps that's the only thing that would get him through the season.
when he moved to korea, even that was gone. he remembers running on autopilot, not unlike a robot that's been ordered to attend classes, do assignments and work. on some days even his goals felt too out of reach, untouchable. sometimes, his dreams felt more like a nightmare on repeat. the sisyphean classes and assignments, an unending cycle of fatigue and despair.
in those days he found himself asking, "what's there to hold on to?"
and the answer was this: sung hanbin.
sung hanbin with his stupidly charming smile and glimmering eyes and the sort of love that could bring mountains to their knees.
for so long, life was a race and he chased and chased. he'd hold the prize in his hands, a mild relief washing over him before chasing again. a dog and a stick. why's it always so out of reach?
sung hanbin was the same— another thing to chase, except for once, he was expecting failure. hanbin was smart and kind and handsome and of course everyone wanted him.
so it still punches a gasp out of him when hanbin calls him baby, or when he brings him coffee or when he walks him to class.
it's unbelievable, at least to him it is. everyone else says they saw them getting together all along. matthew said he's never seen anybody understand hanbin they way he did. ricky said when he first met hanbin, all he would talk about was his kindness.
still, hao can't help but feel it's slightly ridiculous because when hanbin had met and fallen in love with him, he wasn't the hao he is today. he wasn't this polished, confident hao.
back then he was scared and so unspeakably lonely— flinching at the slightest bit of affection directed at him. hanbin had fallen in love with the hopeless hao. the hao who chased a high he could never achieve. and yet he'd loved him and allowed him to grow, even if it meant getting to know him all over again.
these days, he feels like that hao. as the weather changes, bright summer morphing into this gloomy winter, he feels himself regressing into the same scared hao. behind his smug and sharp persona, it seems, is still the eighteen year old him living in a sea of strangers.
the crisp fall air reminds him of last year and how even in a world so large, he couldn't find a place for himself. transferring from one school to another in china, and then moving to a different country altogether, he still couldn't find somewhere he belonged.
china brings back memories of the past and hao yearns for what once was and is no more. these days, he misses china and the sleepless nights, when he was either up studying or reminiscing over a future where it was okay for him to be himself.
fall is a season for the desolate who, despite it all, hope. when the sun of his life dullens and the cold numbs his insides, he waits for spring. he can feel himself falling back into old habits: staying up all night simply to tire himself out because after such a long time of joy, his mind questions how much longer? when will it be taken away?
his bones ache with the weight of existence, a headache ever so present. he sluggishly walks back from class to his dorm room, feeling as though his body is filled with lead.
when he fiddles with his keys to unlock his room, he finds it already unlocked. the door is opened with shaky hands, it's creaking similar to hao's own joints.
hanbin sits in the living room, turning his head to look at hao. the smile that blooms on his face at the sight of him reminds him of the coming of spring. hao lazily smiles back.
he toes his shoes off and hangs his jacket, stumbling over himself a little as he drops his bag by the door. whatever, he'll pick it up later. when he turns back around, hanbin is standing right behind him, arms open wide. and hao falls into them like he was made to fit between them.
hao isn't the kind to complain so openly, even if he whines a lot. it's similar to that hanbin thing where people know him but not in a way that matters. he complains about the flavor of his coffee but not about what has been bothering him for years now.
hanbin presses a quick, fluttering kiss to the top of his head before leading him to the couch. hao lets him, sitting in hanbin's lap, arms wrapped around his shoulders and face buried in the crook of his neck.
hanbin shivers when hao nuzzles his face in his neck. “you're freezing, hao,” he says it like hao doesn't know it himself. his hands detach themselves from his waist and grab his hands instead.
hao pulls back to see his hands between hanbin's who brings them to his mouth to blow puffs of his hot breath onto them. his heart feels warmer than his hands.
“why didn't you take a jacket with you?” hanbin asks, concern dripping from his voice.
why didn't he? because in a way, he feels undeserving of all that he has and he tries to make up for it by making himself go through distress. it's his way of saying i'm paying the price for it, please don't take this away from me.
after a beat of silence, he replies, “i forgot.” there's hesitance in his voice from lying to him and hanbin senses it before he, himself does.
“next time, i'll make sure i put that jacket on you myself.” hanbin replies and for a second, hao thinks he's mad at him. but then he smiles so sweetly, hao can't help but smile back.
for a while, he watches hanbin and their intertwined hands and the way sometimes while he's kissing the tips of hao's fingers he accidentally kisses his own.
eventually, he pulls hao up from his lap and settles him down on the couch. in the beginning, he used to feel weird about this. he was a grown man, it's not that he couldn't do things himself.
“its not that i think you can't do it, it's just that i want to do it for you.”
Hanbin puts a blanket over him, before hurtling towards the kitchen. “you haven't eaten, right?” but he doesn't even wait for his response.
soon he's back with some ramen and a pair of chopsticks. “you're not gonna eat?” hao asks when he sees the chopsticks.
hanbin laughs. “of course i am.” he settles into the couch by hao and grabs the bowl of ramen.
“open,” he mumbles, as he picks up some noodles and blows on them before feeding hao some. then, he takes a bite himself. and it goes like this for a while with the two of them taking turns eating.
with their tummies full with food and hearts, with love, they lay next to each other— a mess of tangled limbs.
“hao-ya, are you okay?” hanbin whispers, hand carding through his hair.
hao inhales shakily before he replies, “of course.”
“have you been sleeping?”
maybe the shadows under his eyes give it away or maybe it's his fatigue but hanbin doesn't sleep with him, he wouldn't know. “yeah.”
“for sure?”
“mhm.”
once again, he feels guilty for lying but he doesn't want hanbin to worry. he already has a lot to worry about himself. hao wants to be the one to alleviate that burden, not become part of it.
“please don't lie to me.” Hanbin says and it almost sounds like a plea, like he's begging hao to tell him the truth.
he puts one leg around hanbin's torso, straddling him and rests his forehead on the other's shoulder.
“i'm— i'm so tired, hanbin.” his voice comes out so small and meek he wonders if hanbin even heard him. but hanbin hums, and of course he heard him. when has hanbin not heard him? seen him?
hanbin remains quiet, allowing him to keep talking. his voice comes out dense when he continues, “it's getting bad again.”
hanbin messages his neck and hao wonders how hanbin is always so attuned to hao. how does he not get tired of him?
“is it class? or is something else bothering you?” hanbin's voice is soft and comforting and wraps around him like a blanket, keeping him warm.
“i don't know— hanbin, you won't ever leave me, right?” he's shaking, he realizes. his body doesn't feel like his own.
hanbin kisses the tip of his ear as he applies pressure on his neck with his fingers. “oh baby, why would i ever leave you?”
“i miss china so much— i miss mom and dad,” he sniffles. there's a million things running through his head at once. the mere mention of china brings tears to his eyes.
“shh. you can go to china, you can meet mom and dad. i bet they miss you so much,” hanbin consoles him, voice smooth. he's so unlike hao, who's spilling his feelings all over them.
“you'll go with me, right? i don't wanna go without you.”
hanbin chuckles and it sounds so pretty hao sobs. hanbin frowns when he sees hao's sobs intensify. “of course, i'll go with you. when have i ever left you alone?”
hao doesn't speak, sniffling against hanbin's shoulder as hanbin begins to run his fingers through his hair.
“we can go see china together. you can tell me all about your favorite places and we can make new memories there. this time with me. hm?”
hao pulls back to look at hanbin and God, he looks so, so pretty right now. a small smile on his face. he's a complete juxtaposition to hao.
“you look so pretty right now,” hanbin says it, almost as if he read hao's mind. he says it so casually too, like it's something he's supposed to laugh at for a second and then forget.
“i'm sorry for ruining your sweater.” hao points to the neckline that's soaked with tears. instead of looking at the neckline, he leans forward and pleases a featherlight kiss on his lips.
“well, lucky me i like my shirts soggy.” hanbin jokes in a way that feels like a hug and a tickle.
his tone shifts into something more serious when he meets hao's gaze. “i know you feel like you have to pay for happiness but i need you to remember that you deserve it.”
hao doesn't believe the words. it doesn't work like that. he can't unlearn something he's spent years believing. “but i haven't done anything to deserve this.”
“you don't have to save the world to be worthy of love. your existence is love, baby.” and the gentle firmness hanbin says it with almost feels like the knots in his throat have unraveled.
he doesn't even realize there are tears running down his face again until hanbin is wiping them, thumb swiping across his cheek. he kisses his cheeks where the tear tracks are still wet and then presses a soft kiss to his lips. hao tastes his own salty tears through hanbin.
“i love you, i'm so glad you're here.” if his voice wavers this time, then it's not because of fear or fatigue, but appreciation.
“of course. you got me and i got you. it's a ‘till death do us part’ thing, isn't it?” Hanbin chuckles. Hao finds himself smiling against the other's lips. “i love you so much. i'm glad you shared this with me.”
life will undeniably try to break hao again and he will ask if it's all worth fighting for but thankfully with hanbin, his winters will be warm as bread.