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"Woah~!" Niki gasped as he looked around the spacious apartment, eyes sparkling in awe, "Your house looks so cool, HiMERU-kun!"
"Thank you," HiMERU stands awkwardly in front of the entrance to the home, tapping his feet quietly on the floor out of nerves. He's never let anyone into this home. Ever.
Niki is the first. And he's only here for sex.
For one, to say HiMERU has been stressed lately is a complete understatement. According to the hospital, Kaname's condition is still unstable. It's always been that way, but just a few weeks ago, doctors were telling him he was getting better. There was hope that he could potentially wake up and begin recovery, and this nightmare would be over. And yet, that was weeks ago. There's no signs of his poor little brother waking up anytime soon anymore.
It isn't just Kaname. Idol work has been quickly taking its toll on HiMERU, both mentally and physically. Just the thought of being under the scrutiny of so many observant eyes, all trying to dig into his and Kaname's past makes him panic. He should be used to it by now, and he should find safety in Crazy:B's excellent PR team, yet he just can't shake the paranoia off. It eats at him, like a poisonous snake venom running through his veins. Not only that— he's tired. Tired of practicing for hours, days at a time to perfect the choreography the rest of his unitmates barely try at. He wants to rest. And maybe doing a physically demanding activity like sex isn't the best idea, but goddamn it— He wants a distraction. He wants to be held.
At first, he was just going to come here to rest until Crazy:B gets new work. But then Niki came up to him after their last practice session, asking if HiMERU would like to "take the edge off". At first he was going to refuse. He can't risk letting Niki into his personal home (one that he originally purchased for him and Kaname. The reminder burns at his heart like a flaming blade wound directly to his chest.) and letting him find out about his identity. But also… He really could use it. The distraction. He knows Niki would take care of him, that he's in good hands.
So he eventually agrees.
And now, here they are.
HiMERU is nervous. Anxious. Panicking a little. It's not that he's a virgin, far from it— It's that he's never done it for fun. It was always transactional, a few sweet words and touches in exchange for information or, in the worst of times, money in order to survive. He'd come into it with a clear goal, and would usually be the initiator of the deed. He's never slept around just for the sake of sleeping around. On the other hand, it's no secret that Niki is more… Promiscuous. Or in other words, experienced. To be fair, the only reason HiMERU knows this is because Rinne teased Niki about "pretending to be an innocent sexless maiden," with Niki only refuting the innocent maiden part. Not the sexless one.
HiMERU's distracted from his train of thought by Niki staring at him with a raised eyebrow, "HiMERU-kun?"
"Sorry," HiMERU clears his throat, averting his gaze away from Niki's concerned gaze, he debates whether or not he should feign inexperience. "HiMERU zoned out. He's… Quite nervous."
"Nyahaha, never sleep around, do ya~? I always knew HiMERU-kun was an innocent guy." Niki teases him, and HiMERU hates how it makes him a little flustered. "Want me to take the lead? Or did you get cold feet? I can leave if you want."
An out. Niki's giving him an out. And HiMERU debates taking it. After all, Niki doesn't seem upset by the idea of HiMERU chickening out due to nerves, and it would honestly save HiMERU a lot of hassle. But… Another part of him really, really wants this. Needs it. And he knows the best place to get it is, well, Niki.
Maybe it wouldn't hurt to open up a little. Just for one night, just one time— Surely Kaname would understand, right? Surely he won't mind Hikaru taking this opportunity to finally destress. He'd understand.
Yes, yes— He'd understand. It's not just an excuse to be selfish.
"No, 'I' want this. And…" HiMERU— no, Hikaru, lets out a shaky sigh, and rests his hands on Niki's shoulders. "It's Hikaru. For tonight. Only for tonight, okay?"
"Oh—" Niki stares wide eyed for a second, before nodding with a smile, "Okay, Hikaru-kun. Just let me take the lead this time, since you're so nervous."
Hikaru nods, and Niki doesn't hesitate before cupping Hikaru's face in his hands and pulling him in, closing the gap between their lips.
Niki’s lips are soft. They taste like coconut lip balm, and Hikaru resists the urge to lick it completely off. Niki’s sweet taste feels like alcohol to Hikaru’s parched throat and dry lips. He’s thirsty.
After a while of Niki gently kissing him, his hands move from Hikaru's face down to his waist, resting on his hips and pulling him close, their bodies flush against each other like puzzle pieces. It’s… Less scary than Hikaru expected. It’s nice. Niki’s lips are warm against his, and his breath against Hikaru’s mouth leaves shivers down his spine. He doesn’t remember what he was so afraid of.
He doesn't even flinch when Niki pries his lips open to insert his tongue, merely sighing and wrapping his arms around the other's back.
Hikaru’s not exactly surprised when, after Niki starts rubbing his crotch against his thigh and biting on his lips, that he starts to feel a deep heat brewing in his lower abdomen. He is, however, slightly sad when Niki pulls away suddenly.
That sadness morphs into anxiety again as Niki tries to pry Hikaru's shirt off his back. He just stares wide eyed as Niki struggles to take it off, zoning out as he watches.
"Hey," Niki looks back up at Hikaru, his eyes half-lidded. It causes knots in Hikaru's stomach— Niki looks hungry. A familiar expression. "Could you take this off? It's in the way."
"U-uh, sure," He internally curses at himself for stuttering like that. HiMERU doesn't stutter. Even if he isn't HiMERU at the moment, he still shouldn't stutter. It's embarrassing. It's vulnerable. It shows how much this simple act people commonly do on weekends or sometimes everyday is affecting him. They aren't even having sex yet. They’re just making out and maybe you could argue rubbing against each other. And yet Hikaru is already getting hard.
Niki grabs Hikaru’s hands as they reach for the buttons on his shirt, and his eyes that were so filled with desire are suddenly filled with concern. “You’re nervous, right?”
“… Yes.” Hikaru admits. No use lying to Niki, after all. As dumb as Niki can be sometimes, he’s a shockingly observant and emotionally intelligent young man. He’d catch on to Hikaru’s lie instantly. “I am… Not used to this.”
“Not used to it?” Niki looks confused, but gently runs his thumb against Hikaru’s knuckles as he responds, “This your first time? Don’t worry, we can take it slow—“
“Not necessarily, no.” Is all Hikaru says, not elaborating further. The silence may last for only a few seconds, but it feels like years to him. He continues unbuttoning his shirt, swallowing the sudden lump that appeared in his throat. Maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to this.
Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. Stripping bare, letting your partner see you in your most intimate and vulnerable moments, letting them touch and caress— It can be transactional, yes— But this isn’t transactional. This isn’t Hikaru having sex with a random rich guy to be able to afford food tomorrow, or to finish a mission Priest assigned him, it’s just him doing it with Niki. And for some reason, the thought is anxiety inducing.
The shirt is off, and Niki’s eyes fill with lust again. He hesitates before touching Hikaru, his hands hovering awkwardly before eventually resting on Hikaru’s shoulders.
“Gorgeous…” He whispers, probably a thought accidentally said outloud. Hikaru’s face turns pink. He’s used to compliments, but… This feels different, somehow. He really doesn’t know why sex feels so different with Niki. He’s been called all manner of affectionate terms and yet Niki’s absentminded gorgeous causes his face to heat up.
Maybe because it’s genuine, and not just flattery, his brain helpfully (or, unhelpfully) supplies. The thought of Niki being legitimately attracted to Hikaru feels both exhilarating and frightening.
Niki buries his face in Hikaru’s shoulder, taking a deep breath as he inhales the other’s scent. His hands start to wander—Over Hikaru’s pecs, his stomach, his sides— basically everywhere he can touch. His lips rest on the other’s shoulder, but don’t move. Hikaru bites his lip, squirming under Niki’s touches. His fingers are cold against Hikaru’s now heated skin.
“You’re fine with this, right?” Niki whispers, his hands stopping their wandering and resting on Hikaru’s hips. “Please don’t force yourself. I wanna do this for you, okay?”
The question almost makes Hikaru want to cry. No one’s ever been kind to him in a situation like this— Well, not that they had any reason to. Niki doesn’t either, frankly, but the sentiment still makes him emotional. Maybe that’s why even his simple compliments cause knots in Hikaru’s heart.
“Please continue,” Hikaru grips Niki’s shoulder, his free hand moving to undo his ponytail, “I’ll tell you if I don’t want this anymore.”
Niki responds by peppering Hikaru’s shoulder and neck in innocent pecks. Those innocent pecks turn into wet kisses, and those wet kisses turn into nibbles and bites. Niki’s sloppy, he drools as he bites and sucks on Hikaru’s skin. HiMERU would think this is gross, disgusting, a defiling of his perfect body. Hikaru never had a perfect body. Hikaru thinks this is the hottest thing someone’s ever done for him, and the sounds he makes prove that.
“N-Niki—“ slips off his lips as Niki delivers a brutal bite, a chomp down at Hikaru’s skin that breaks skin and is bound to turn into a nasty bruise. He tugs a little on Niki’s hair, causing Niki to bite down harder, almost making Hikaru scream out Niki’s name in pleasure and pain.
“You taste so good, Hikaru-kun…” Niki gasps out, his voice hoarse, it’s like he’s drunk off Hikaru’s taste—the thought causes him to grip Niki’s hair a little tighter.
“Let’s move to your bed, yeah?”
The move is clumsy. Hikaru refuses to let go of Niki, kind of awkwardly wrapping his arms around him as they go to Hikaru’s bedroom. And as soon as they enter, Niki straddles Hikaru on the bed. The sight makes his throat dry, Niki on top of him like that.
Niki continues his conquest over Hikaru’s skin, littering his stomach in wet kisses that cause a fire to burn in Hikaru. His pants feel too tight, but Niki takes them off for him. Hikaru helps Niki take off his shirt as well.
Niki’s attractive. Hot. Sexy. There’s many adjectives to describe him, but none of them truly convey how beautiful he is to Hikaru. How much Hikaru wants him right now. The anxiety he felt before feels like a distant memory, as all he can think about is how much he needs Niki on him. Or, alternatively, inside him. Maybe.
“Niki…” He gasps out as his hands reach out to touch Niki’s torso. He feels his cock twitch as Niki smirks down at him, the back of his hand caressing Hikaru’s cheek. He trembles in anticipation as Niki’s hand moves down, down his stomach towards his crotch—
On instinct, he grabs Niki’s hand before it goes all the way. His heart’s pounding louder than a siren in his ears, and Niki stares at him with wide eyes. The anxiety from before returns, no longer a distant memory.
“I-I—“ He starts, words wishing to leave his lips but failing him. He didn’t know what came over him. Suddenly touches became too hot, no longer a warmth over the cold but instead a blazing lava on ice cold epidermis. Too close for comfort, his body rejecting Niki’s touch even though he knows he wants it.
“Hey,” Niki’s other hand cups Hikaru’s cheek, his thumb stroking his skin. It’s grounding. Hikaru notices that Niki’s eyes are no longer wide, but instead soft and kind. “It’s okay, are you alright? You’re shaking.”
“I’m…” Hikaru lets go of Niki’s hand, and averts his gaze away, as much as it pains him. He wishes he could stare at Niki forever, but it feels too… Overwhelming. He didn’t even notice he was shaking, it was like he blanked out. “I’m alright. I don’t know what came over me.”
“Would you rather we just cuddle?”
“Yes, please.”
Niki wraps his arms around Hikaru and pulls him close, covering him in the soft warmth of his arms. Hikaru can’t stop himself from leaning in, trying to selfishly take as much of that warmth as possible. His breath shudders as he rests his head on Niki’s bare shoulder— Niki is like a huge, very nice smelling teddy bear. A bear that smells like homecooked meals. Actually, maybe not a cooked meal, he just smells like home.
The comfort he’s getting from Niki’s embrace scares him. Terrifies him, almost. What would HiMERU— No, Kaname—think? Would he be disgusted, his own face hugging someone who’s virtually a stranger? Would he be horrified, scared of the doppelgänger who selfishly almost fucked a man who’s meant to be his unitmate? Would he cut Hikaru off? Would he scream at Hikaru until his already weak lungs give out?
Would he pass out again? Fall into another coma, one that’s even more dangerous than the last?
“Hikaru-kun?” Niki calls out, snapping the other out of his spiral. He’s shocked to find his cheeks wet, and his nose slightly runny. Is he sobbing? HiMERU doesn’t cry. This isn’t right. Niki’s calloused fingers caress his face, his thumb absentmindedly wiping away salty tears. He isn’t supposed to be treated like this. He doesn’t deserve this kindness. He isn’t Kaname.
“Shh, it’s okay,” Niki whispers, causing Hikaru’s tears to fall even harder, his chest rapidly rising and falling as he struggles to take air in. The more Niki comforts him, the guiltier he feels, and yet he still leans closer, his tears dampening Niki’s shoulder. Gross. Niki doesn’t deserve this either.
“Let it all out,” Niki softly says, his other hand carding through Hikaru’s hair. Why isn’t he pushing him away? Why isn’t he disgusted? Disgusted with the parasite cozying up to him? “I’m not leaving until you feel better.”
“Sh-Shiina…” He manages to get out, his sobs causing his words to stutter. Gross. His arms wrap tightly around Niki, his body not wishing to let go even though he knows he should. “You-you don’t have to stay—“
“I want to,” Niki affirms. It’s like the knife is being twisted in Hikaru’s abused heart. “It hurts me to see you so upset.”
After a while of Hikaru’s useless sobbing, his rapidly beating heart calms, and his sobs quiet down. He can feel Niki smile down at him. He doesn’t deserve it.
Niki doesn’t let go of Hikaru’s shoulders as he helps him sit up. He hears Niki ask where the bathroom is, and quietly mumbles an answer, only audible thanks to their proximity.
He mainly zones out as Niki leads him… Somewhere. His eyes are unfocused, kept firmly planted to the ground. He now remembers that his pants were taken off in the heat of the moment. Gross. He hopes Niki doesn’t notice the scars that litter his body, all makeup rigorously applied probably melted away with the sweat and heat.
He’s taken out of his trance by cold water hitting his face. They’re in the bathroom now, somehow. Hikaru was too zoned out to notice.
He stays quiet as Niki rubs a damp towel against his face and shoulders, mentally thanking him for not going any lower. He still feels gross, like a disgusting fly instead of a graceful bee, but he is technically cleaner now.
“Could you tell me what’s wrong, Hikaru-kun?” Niki sits him down on the toilet seat, his voice gentle and calm. There isn’t an ounce of judgement in his voice, which… Does make Hikaru want to open up, but—
“HiMERU—“ A slip of the tongue. He thought about HiMERU too much. Zoned out too much. “… I simply got cold feet. I’ll be alright.”
“You and I both know that’s not true.” Niki’s voice is stern, but not angry. He’s not used to that. “If I hurt you in any way, you don’t have to hide it. Just tell me, I promise I won’t get upset.”
“It’s not you.” Hikaru’s eyes make contact with Niki’s for a few seconds, before he averts his gaze and holds his knees close to his chest. He should stay focused, make sure he doesn’t say the wrong thing and reveal too much— But Niki is so calming and sweet that words fall from his mouth before he can swallow them back down. “It’s…”
“Then…” His voice is quiet, cautious. He knows Niki doesn’t mean it, but it makes Hikaru feel like a ticking timebomb. This isn’t how HiMERU’s meant to act. “What is it?”
“I…” Hikaru swallows the lump in his throat as he thinks about what to say. Niki’s been nothing but kind and understanding, but Hikaru doesn’t know if he can trust him with his secret. He hasn’t told anyone else. It’s terrifying, but… He doesn’t have to mention Kaname, yes? To be fair, his impulsive action to push Niki away right before the climax wasn’t exactly Kaname related…
He isn’t exactly spilling Kaname’s secret if he opens up a little about himself, right?
“I am damaged goods, Niki—“ he regrets it as soon as he says it. Fuck, Niki thinks him and Kaname are the same person. He’ll think Kaname’s the one who’s fucked up. He just ruined HiMERU’s image to his own unitmate because he was so greedy he wanted some more of Niki’s comfort and safety—
“Just… forget it, actually. HiMERU is alright.” He buries his face in his knees. He can’t bare to look Niki in the eyes anymore. “You can leave if you wish.”
“I asked Hikaru-kun,” Hikaru’s eyes shoot up to look at Niki. His expression is stern, but surprisingly not angry, and his hand moves to rest at Hikaru’s shoulder. “Not HiMERU.”
“Niki, please—“
“You’re clearly hurting,” Niki’s grip on Hikaru’s shoulder tightens, but not to a painful degree. Hikaru almost wishes it was. Pain is familiar, comfort isn’t. “you can’t expect me to leave you like this.”
Hikaru’s mouth opens and closes a few times, before he goes back to burying his face in his knees, too ashamed to show his ugly face. His makeup’s all melted. His mask fell off. Niki doesn’t see HiMERU, but Hikaru, and that’s the most terrifying part of this all.
“I can’t—“ He starts. He genuinely can’t speak about it. All words dissolve in his mouth before they come out. He doesn’t know how to tell Niki that the skin he just touched and caressed isn’t his, that he’s nothing but an imposter in a suit that isn’t his. A life that isn’t his. An identity that doesn’t belong to him.
It’s bad enough that people have to look at this body that’s covered in handprints and bruises and scars and see it as Kaname Toujou. He’s defiled Kaname’s image just by taking on this role, and yet he can’t have enough, can he?
“I can’t, Niki.”
Hikaru expects an annoyed sigh, maybe a harsh grip. He’d deserve it anyway. But it doesn’t come. He instead gets soft hands on his cheeks, lifting his face up to look at Niki. His expression is loving, eyes filled with adoration, and for once—He feels actually seen. Like Niki is seeing Hikaru, not HiMERU.
“That’s okay,” Niki’s smile is so sweet it makes Hikaru nauseous. “Can I at least hold you?”
All Hikaru does is nod, and drown into the warm softness that is Niki. Greedily nab all the comfort he can from Niki’s body like a leech. It’s comforting, yet at the same time miserable. Once morning comes and this night ends, they’ll go back to their old lives like this never happened.
“Niki.”
“Hm?”
“Do you see HiMERU any differently?” His voice is quiet as he asks, almost inaudible if not for their embrace that Niki pulls away from slightly to look at Hikaru’s face. His expression still has that adorable, sweet as honey smile as he hums before answering.
“Well, I don’t really know HiMERU, but I know I don’t see you any differently!” His smile is so innocent. It’s so cute and pure as he brings Hikaru close to tears again. His facade is shattered. “‘S not like anything weird happened. People get cold feet all the time. It happens~”
“Also, just saying this before I forget,” His expression turns serious, and Hikaru suddenly feels anxious again, “If you wanna keep this casual, that’s fine but—“
“… I don’t know if I do.” Hikaru mutters under his breath.
“What was that?”
“I don’t know if I want it to stay casual.” Saying it feels like speaking with his mouth full of lead. He can’t face Niki, his gaze focused on his own feet. “I… Want you. It’s selfish. It’s not what HiMERU would want.”
“Does what HiMERU want really matter that much, geez,” Niki sighs in exasperation, his seemingly endless patience slowly waning, “Sorry, that was rude. But can’t you think about what you want for once?”
“Then…” Hikaru slowly lifts his head, staring intently into Niki’s ocean blue eyes, “Could you stay? Just for a while longer?”
Niki doesn’t respond with words, instead responding with a loving smile and a nod.
Niki helps him stand up off the toilet seat, arm around his shoulder as they get back to Hikaru’s room. He doesn’t leave Hikaru’s side even as they get into bed, wrapping his arms around Hikaru’s side as he hugs him.
Hikaru knows he won’t be okay. Knows that just one night of sweet words won’t undo a whole life of regret and loss. But at least he has Niki. A sweet, buzzing bee who treats him like a priceless ceramic instead of cheap plastic to be thrown away.
He has Niki, and for now, that’s all he wants.