Chapter Text
Phil sent a picture
Phil:What do you think? Too desperate?
Phil sent a picture
Phil:I can never take a good dick pic
The dick is Glorious. There is no other word for it. It’s girthy and long and beautiful. It’s pale and flushed red. It has magnificent lines and a huge vein running around it that looks ready to explode. It’s rock hard and shiny, not leaking but just about, looking all but ready to pop.
Dan actually feels dizzy with the intense snap horniness that flashes through him at once. He doesn’t even register whatever whimsical text Phil sent with the pic, all he sees is the straight-from-his-fantasies cock.
It looks perfect, a mouth-watering dish, a tasty delicacy. It’s Dan’s wet-dreams personified. He can just imagine it, the taste and the smell and the way his mouth would have to stretch and open to accommodate it. Even him, all obsessed might he be with sucking cocks, wouldn’t be able to swallow it all at once. He would have to work for, proper arduous, strenuous work, and even then, he probably wouldn’t make it on first try. He’d have to see that guy over and over again until he makes it; he can be quite single-minded with a challenge in mind.
He can feel his throat spam with the idea of it. This huge, wonderful curled monster slowly pushing its way through his mouth, chocking him, forcing him to swallow down until he’s woozy with it and can’t think a single thought anymore.
He’s so hard just seeing a picture of it.
He would probably come all over himself working his mouth on this cock, and he isn’t even sure how embarrassed he’d be about it.
He cups himself to alleviate the tension, just enough to answer Phil.
Dan: fuck yes choke me daddy
Dan: OMG 🌶️ ♨️🤑
Dan: I HATE YOU
Dan: i want that 🍆
Dan: 🌭
Dan: 🍌
Dan: 🌽
Dan: share with me 💦
Dan: i’ll swap you a week chore for his prf
Dan: name?!
Dan: app?!
Dan: state your price
Dan: i'll do anything
Dan is vaguely aware he’s not being very coherent right now. He rarely is when faced with a nice dick, but Phil isn’t usually the one who has to take the brunt of it. Dan can’t help it. All he can see is the beautiful loaf of meat in front of his eyes. He’s salivating so much his mouth stings with it.
Of course, Phil – I don’t actually like big cocks - would be the one landing such a wonder of a dick. Typical. Dan could never pinpoint exactly what it is about Phil that seems to attract only two types of guys – the weirdos and the big dicks; sometimes both at once.
It’s the bane of his existence and never-ending source of entertainment for Dan.
He loves to make so many jokes about Phil’s “unfortunate” sex encounters but deep down, he knows it was just a way to cover up his own jealousy at Phil’s “misfortunes”. Why is he never the one to land the very-big-dick-guys? He fucking hates how easy Phil has it and that bastard dares to complain about it too You don’t understand Dan, he was so freaking huge I had to run for my life.
Arsehole. Arsehole. Arsehole.
Of course, Phil would never share his wins. It isn’t moral or proper or something. He’d taunt Dan with the most exquisite delicious mouth-watering dick pics in the world then have the gall to complain about it.
And refuse to let Dan have a taste.
Worst best friend in the world.
Dan cups himself again and feels he somehow has gotten even harder while angry-texting Phil. He scrolls back up to the picture and swallows hard with the flush that comes back with a snap. Even at second look, that dick is a delectable beauty.
He might moan slightly.
He ignores whatever complaint Phill sent with the picture and looks at the second one. His heart thumps and his dick twitches under his hand.
Oh fucking hell, really?
The second picture is just as good as the first, a different angle that gives a perfect perspective to the length, wrinkles and curved lines of the dick, the thatch of reddish-brown hair where it attaches to the body it belongs to and the seemingly never-ending pale, tasty, meaty legs beneath.
In this picture, the guy is holding his dick in his hand. It’s a big hand for a big boy and Dan really can’t help it this time, he lets go of any pretence and pushes hard on his own dick, swallowing his moan so that Phil won’t hear him wank to the dick pic he just sent him from across the flat they share.
It’s just – it’s unfair. Dan is an equal opportunity lover, he will fuck about anyone that gives him good sex but he’s not above admitting he’s a bit shallow and has a thing for big guys. It’s not even some sort of hedonistic taste for fit athletic types or a dad-related kink for the bearish-slightly older guys either; it’s really just about the height.
Dan is tall and having a tall partner just makes everything that much easier and nicer.
Based on the legs he can see in the picture and the size of the hands, there is no way this guy is not a tall bean, skinny and lanky and bloody hell that dick belongs in a freaking museum (preferably at the back of Dan’s throat).
He might have fallen slightly in love with the guy in the picture. Doesn’t even matter what he looks like or what his personality is like. He’s already checking more of Dan’s boxes that most people he goes out with with those two pictures alone. It’s a no-brainer.
He has to find a way to get Phil to give him to Dan. Phil wouldn’t know what to do with a dick like that, the underserving bastard.
Dan would fucking worship it.
Phil:🌚😳
Phil: Thanks?
It takes a while for Phil’s answer to register in Dan’s brain, probably because he has his hand down his pants and his mind full of glorious-huge-perfect-dick chocking him up just the right way, imaginary taste of precum already on his lips.
He has to pull himself together and blink several times before realizing there’s something weird going on.
Phil isn’t one to waste a good opportunity to roast Dan. It’s how most of their friendship works. For all he knows, that pic comes straight from a porn site and is not even an actually pic Phil received on one of these seedy dating apps he likes to use.
It’s all about taunting Dan and making fun of him; ever since Dan admitted to loving a big juicy cock in his mouth, Phil has been down to get him.
Personally, he thinks it’s Phil’s own way to take revenge for Dan not telling him for so long that he wasn’t exactly straight.
Or at all. Semantics.
Okay, no wait, he was on to something – the pic, the dick – why would Phil say thanks to Dan’s horny freakout?
Dan scrolls back up again, ignoring the lewd texts he just sent to his platonic best friend – they never address it, Phil is perfect like that – and tries to concentrate on the initial message.
It’s really, really hard to make out the words bracketed by two of the best, magnificent, perfect dick pics Phil has ever sent him.
If Phil ever decides to date the guy, he’d better flood Dan with more pics of him. Dan doesn’t care you’re not supposed to share private nudes with other people. At this point, he considers Phil and him are pretty much one and the same; one person in two bodies.
It’s probably just a matter of time before they start sharing a boyfriend too. They share everything else after all.
(No, no. Bad brain. Phil is a friend, friend, friend, just a friend. We don’t go there.)
Phil’s just a friend, yet so much more at the same time.
Maybe Dan shouldn’t jack off while texting Phil, it always makes his brain go to strange places.
What was he? -… ah yes, the text that started it all.
Phil:What do you think? Too desperate?
Phil:I can never take a good dick pic
Holly. Freaking. Shit.
Is that… PHIL’S DICK?
Holly molly shitting fuck.
That’s… that’s…
…
Sometimes, Dan’s dick has a mind of its own.
Sometimes, Dan’s mind’s got a mind of its own.
It’s what he’ll blame later, when the rush of heat goes down and his heart stop thundering in his chest and his cock stops pulsating with raw need and undisclosed desires as he desperately wanks over a picture of his best friend’s perfect, amazing, marvellous cock.
He’s just a man, a very lonely desperate horny man and it is, objectively, a very juicy appealing cock.
It’s no wonder the visual stimulation makes him come out of his mind, so hard his knees actually give out and he ends up sprawl on the floor, hand and shorts and shirt all ruined with his spending, air stuck in his lungs while the sentence phil’s dick, phil’s dick, phil’s dick turns like a broken record in his mind.
It’s so wrong. It’s so bad.
It’s so fucking good.
He’s going to hell for this.
Dan: sorry didn’t catch it was yours
Dan: nice going bro
Dan: you gonna make someone happy with that⚡🐎
The empty feeling in his chest after he’s done responding is due to the awkwardness of his initial response. It’s embarrassing how gone he was for that dick, over a simple picture. A picture of Phil’s junk.
Fuck.
They’ll probably laugh about it in a few weeks, right? Or pretend it’s never happened and move on as they do with everything else.
It’s all Phil’s fault anyway.
It’s always Phil’s fault.
What the fuck was he thinking, sending Dan a pic of himself?
Friends don’t do that!
The fuck?!
How’s Dan supposed to live with the knowledge of the amazing package Phil’s got in his pants now? And be okay with him going out with other guys while Dan drowns in a pool of despair to never be able to get his hands on that marvel of nature that is Phil’s dick?
(It’s Phil’s fault so if Dan ends up jerking off to the pictures several more times during that week, well, that too, is Phil’s fault. Dan is weak to a beautiful cock. Phil knows that. He should have known better than to open that can of brain-eating worms. Dan can’t be held accountable for any of it.)
🌭🍌🌶️🍆🌽
It all starts because of Phil, of course.
Dan doesn’t even remember why he opens the door of Phil’s room with no warning, violent energy inside of him telling him he was about to shout or complain about yet another thing Phil had done to ruin his life. Instead, he comes up short for breath, struck where he stands by the huge full-screen picture of a naked penis on his best friend’s monitor.
It’s almost comic, the way Phil turns his head when Dan barges in then goes through fifty different shades of red and scrams to minimize the window, far, far too late.
“Dan!” he whines, high-pitched voice and all. “Get out!”
Dan doesn’t move. He feels rooted on the spot, heat spreading over his cheeks as he takes in what he just saw. A smirk makes its way on his face; it’s his favourite defence mechanism. If you can’t escape the awkwardness, make a joke about it.
“Wow Phil, never took you for the type,” says Dan.
Which type, exactly, he has no idea. It’s not like he doesn’t know at this point Phil is one, gay, and two, a fucking perv. There is nothing out of character about him ogling some stranger dick full screen in the middle of the day.
“I just – I didn’t – It wasn’t – ”
Alright, ok. Now this is becoming fun. Dan can forget his own clumsy awkwardness walking on something he absolutely, definitely shouldn’t have seen and focus on making Phil the embarrassed one.
“You weren’t?” asks Dan with a voice dripping of sarcasm. “Dick pic just jumped on your screen, didn’t it?”
Phil does this little frowny-thing he does whenever he feels Dan is being unfair or a little shit (Dan will probably be solely responsible for half of Phil’s future wrinkles at this rate) and he shakes his head vehemently.
“Yes! I didn’t ask or anything. We were just talking and then – then – ” Phil makes big gestures with his hands, encompassing his computer and the screen and Dan, like the words he says are somehow supposed to make sense. “He ambushed me!”
“He ambushed you?” Dan repeats slowly, probably giving Phil his most ‘yeah bro keep talking’ look ever. “With his dick?”
“Yeah!” Phil continues to try (and fail) to defend himself. “You have no idea what that’s like, those gay dating apps! It’s a freaking jungle.”
“A jungle of dicks?” Dan deadpans.
He makes the strategic mistake of sharing a look with Phil and the ridiculousness of the situation hits him in the face. They both break in giggles at the same time.
Dick-related awkwardness aborted, friendship wins the round.
“Well, let’s see,” says Dan because, after all, he is a little shit. “Since he ambushed you, we should at least give him proper feedback.”
Phil gapes. “Feedback on what?”
“His ambushing skill, of course. Come on, Phil, keep up,” says Dan as he makes himself comfortable on the bed behind Phil, sitting in a way that gives him full view of the computer’s screens.
“You – ” Phil gives him a weird look. “You actually want to see it again?” he asks, his eyebrow dancing in his forehead in some sort of complicated choreography that probably betrays his inner thoughts in a very obvious yet incomprehensible way.
Decoding Phil’s weird eyebrows-sign language is a work in progress; pretty high up on Dan’s to do list along with teach Phil how to close a cupboard, learn how to do laundry and tell your gay best friend you’re not straight.
Those things just take time.
“I’m familiar with that particular piece of anatomy, Phil,” Dan retorts, opening his legs slightly just to prove a point and because it makes Phil’ eyes open wide before he turns his head the other way, ears burning red. Dan chuckles. He can’t help being a tease and Phil is so freaking easy, it’s criminal.
He can see Phil is trying to gather his thoughts, clambering to find an excuse to get himself out of this predicament and Dan just sighs, leans forward and clicks on the icon himself, bringing up the penis picture in full screen before Phil has time to do more than release a little indignant yelp.
Dan used to watch porn with his mates, it doesn’t have to be weirder than that. It’s only Phil’s clumsy avoidance of such topics, as if being too sexual or crude around his “straight” friend is going to make him combust or something, that make things weird. Dan is just trying to rectify course; a sort of roundabout way to say yeah, you can talk about cock around me, it’s cool that will, hopefully, turn into Dan feeling comfortable to do the same at some point down the lane.
It isn’t like Dan is curious about his friend sex life or tastes and habits or anything. That’d be weird.
“Nothing to write home about,” he comments testily because, unfortunately, it’s a pretty nice cock in a perfectly decent picture. It almost looks artsy in a way.
“It’s… okay,” says Phil, talking like his jaws are stuck together and the words pain him. He keeps his eyes straight ahead, refusing to look at either Dan or the penis on the screen, his grey wall suddenly the most fascinating thing in the world. “Had worse. Seen better,” he adds like that non-committal prick he is.
“Really?” Dan can’t help but ask. It’s not like he never received a dick pic himself, but he only goes on those sorts of apps to hook up, so the pics are inherently very horny and messy; that’s the entire point. Phil though, he’s looking to date, so maybe his experience is different than Dan.
Dan surely never received a dick pic so well put together.
“Show me?”
“Hm, no?” Phil finally turns his head towards Dan again. He looks very confused. “That’s like, personal?”
Dan shrugs. “Come on, it’s not like I’m asking a pic of your boyfriend or something. They’re just strangers or what, exes? Who cares if I see them?”
“I do,” says Phil and it sounds final enough that Dan lets it go. The tension in the room has gone from friendly to awkward again and that’s entirely on him.
Shouldn’t surprise him, really. He always goes too far, push too much. Even Phil can’t take all of him at times.
He makes a joke, he thinks he does anyway, he isn’t really in the conversation anymore, then gets up and leaves the room, tail between his legs and a heavy weight on the stomach. He’s slowly spiralling down, letting his mind be invaded by unwanted thoughts and cringing at his own pushy behaviour and what must Phil think of him when his phones dings.
Phil:OMG. I told him I didn’t want pics before we met and he replied with this
Phil sent a picture
Phil:WTF is wrong with ppl??
Phil:🤬
Attached is a picture of, most likely, the same penis, except now it’s half-hard with a hand around it and there’s nothing classy at all about the picture anymore. That’s more like the pictures Dan is used to.
Figures Phil and he have such different tastes. After all, Dan has already determined a long time ago that, even if they are the best of friends and would be champions at dating (if, you know, Dan was into dating at all), they are irremediably incompatible in a more, let’s say, intimate setting (not that he spent a whole lot of time thinking about it, of course), which, really, is probably the reason he’s procrastinating telling Phil he’s seen quite a few more dicks than his own.
Dan:should send him a picture of your own 😈
Dan sent a picture
He can hear Phil’s scream from across the flat. Dan can’t help but laugh. Booby-trapped pictures might not be the hit-thing it once was, but Dan remembers when they were all over the internet and you couldn’t click a single link without risking being jumped scared by the most haunting picture ever.
It’s lazy, but it still gets the job done.
Phil:I CLICKED THAT you arse
Phil: hate you
Phil:I’m sending that to every guy that gives me unprompted dick pic from now on.
Phil:I didn’t consent to see you naked mate
Phil:😤
Dan loves unprompted dick pic, he thinks sullenly.
Dan: yay consent
Dan: 🎉
Dan: you show them!
He hesitates about 10 seconds before shooting his shots one last time. He doesn’t even know why he does it, but it seems important to take his chance of sharing that part of Phil’s life as well, since they already share everything else.
That, or he’s just a peeping perv.
Dan: btw i consent to sharing
Dan: in case it wasn’t clear
Phil: Almost sounds like you want to see dick pics, Danny
Dan: i’m an open-minded kind of guy
Phil: Open-minded enough for this?
Phil sent a picture
Dan: kinky 🌶️
Phil: Deleting your number RN
And so it begins, despite Phil’s claims that “it’s personal” and his initial reservations. Dick pics are getting Dan’s way and, pretty soon, he starts to reply in kind. Gorgeous, mouth-watering, artistic images of magnificent penises to make each other horny; terrible, nauseating pictures of unkempt dicks to make each other laugh. Phil never asks how Dan, his presumably boob-only friend, gets his hands on so many haunting dick pics.
He’s either a saint or very stupid.
Either way, they don’t ever talk about it.