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"Ah, here you are."
Reigen almost flinched when he heard Serizawa's voice from behind him on the balcony.
"I was wondering where you'd wandered off to all of a sudden."
He went to stand next to Reigen over by the railing.
Reigen sighed, taking another drag of his cigarette.
"I'm surprised someone noticed at all."
His voice was sharper than he'd like it to be, at the moment.
God, this was the worst time for Serizawa to show up. Why did he have to be here.
"Who am I kidding, the peace and quiet tipped you off, right."
He chuckled bitterly.
Serizawa slightly furrowed his eyebrows, but didn't reply to that comment.
"...I thought you were going to quit smoking."
His voice was soft. Reigen could tell he was trying to approach this gently, but that really just frustrated him more. He already didn't have a reason to be upset, he knew that. Now Serizawa had to come in and act all stupid and understanding. It made him feel small.
He scoffed.
"Yeah, well. I thought I was going to quit being a whiny little snowflake months ago, but.."
Reigen leaned forward, hanging slightly over the railing of the balcony. Not enough to be dangerous, but he imagined if he shifted his weight away from his feet the chance of falling would already increase a ton.
"...I guess I'm set on dissappointing the both of us tonight."
The cigarette trembled inbetween his fingers. He really hoped Serizawa wouldn't see it. He honestly wished he could turn off that guy's vision in general, sometimes. Keep him focused on the better days, not just...
Reigen's other hand came up to run through his hair.
...Not this wreck of a person he was right now. The one he always felt like he left behind, and then came back swinging in full force the second anything got too hard.
God, he was pathetic.
"Don't say that", Serizawa said predictably. "Why do you always-"
The esper rubbed his eyelids, really wanting to stay patient but also being sick of having this same conversation.
"I've told you so many times that it isn't like that. That you're not..."
He sounded weary of this, his voice tired.
"Sometimes I wonder if you even think about how I feel when you put words in my mouth."
Reigen immediately felt like crap. Right, he was making it all about him again.
*Great job Arataka, you never fail to be a selfish prick.*
He begrudgingly glanced over at his friend.
"...Sorry. It can't be easy hearing me go on about how much you all hate me, I know. I just always feel—"
He interrupted him.
"It's not even that, It's..."
He barely didn't groan.
"It's the fact I try so hard to convince you of the opposite all the time, and you don't even listen to me."
Serizawa huffed as he crossed his arms.
He was visibly upset, briefly turning away to gather himself, to find the words again.
"I want to help you the way you helped me, but I– I'm not great at... I don't know what to do here. I don't know how to reassure you of everything you need me to."
...
There was a heavy silence.
"I'm sorry."
.......
The silence continued.
"Tch."
Reigen put more of his weight against the railing.
"Oh, shut up. Don't.. don't you dare fucking apologize."
His voice cracked.
"It's not on you. It's not you, it's never been *you*."
His fist hit the railing.
"I thought I was over this shit, goddammit. I thought I felt fine. I'm not alone anymore, the company is actually making money. And the amount of people stopping by is.."
The sounds of conversation and laughter back inside do nothing to make this easier on him.
"...bigger than I ever imagined it. Everything is great, I was *great.*"
He was really starting to wish he could just phase through this railing and drop at this point.
"So why does ONE stupid meagre goodbye party manage to–"
Reigen chokes on the words. He can feel what he knows is coming prickle in his eyes, and he stubbornly refuses to let it.
"––shit. *shit.* fucking *damn it.*"
He tries to hide his face in his shaking hands.
Serizawa's hand comes up to rest on his shoulder, because of course it does.
"It's not weird that this is hard on you."
He gives Reigen's shoulder a gentle squeeze.
"Shigeo quitting to focus on this new school... I'm happy for him, but I can't help but feel sad somewhere too."
The psychic leaned down against the railing as well.
"These things are kind of a mixed bag."
Reigen was barely holding it together. Damn him. Damn Serizawa and his stupid comforting words and soft voice and incredible patience. Damn him to hell.
"I can't even– I'm supposed to be... there for Mob. Supposed to be proud of how far he's come. Supposed to be..."
He took another drag of his cigarette.
"I dunno, encouraging him for his hard work or whatever."
He frowned deeply at himself.
"Instead I'm out here killing my lungs for the first time in two months like the world is ending tomorrow."
Reigen coughed, the combination of his almost-tears and the smoke he was inhaling not doing him any good.
"I can't believe I'm actually this co-dependent."
"I think you're scared."
The cigarette lifted itself out of the conman's hands when Serizawa swiped it across the air over to an ashtray with his finger.
Reigen shot him a glare.
"I'm not SCARED of anything."
"You're scared of being vulnerable, at the very least."
He murmured.
"Shigeo is probably the person you've opened up to most out of everyone here. Now he's leaving and you're upset you're affected by that."
Serizawa squeezed his shoulder.
"You can't handle actually admitting how attached to him you are because you can't handle knowing something can impact you that way."
A pause.
"Am I wrong?"
There were no words on Reigen's part. He didn't feel like admitting that the other man had read him like an open book. He faced himself away from Serizawa's expectant gaze. Serizawa simply leaned further forward to look at him anyway.
"Listen, I... uhm."
He had no clue how to navigate this conversation, but he nervously tried anyway.
"You remind me a lot of myself, you know? From.."
The esper fidgeted with one of his suit buttons.
"From before I left my room."
Reigen mentally froze at that comment, stopping his gradual shuffling away from Serizawa's prying eyes. He held his breath. He didn't know why.
"I, ah.. I used to be so scared of saying things as a kid. I already got picked on, and it felt like everything I said in earnest would always get them to bully me harder."
Serizawa continued.
"I never really understood why, but I didn't want to picked on, so I... stopped saying things."
He chuckled sheepishly.
"People still picked on me. For things I was *doing,* instead. For the powers I couldn't control."
His hands resumed fidgeting with the button.
"So I eventually... stopped doing anything around anyone else altogether. For over 15 years, I avoided the society I thought couldn't handle me."
The silence went on.
"...But then, I met Shigeo. And I started working with you."
The fraud psychic suddenly started paying attention.
"You taught me that there are people *worth* taking the risk for."
Serizawa gave his boss a small nudge, a light encouragement.
"People worth being genuine and honest with."
His expression softened.
"People who *can* handle the worst you have to throw at them."
He made sure to emphasize.
"And, you know..."
The hand on his shoulder became an arm around his back.
"People who are going to confiscate your cigarettes and force you to get off this balcony."
Reigen almost choked on his own spit.
"Pfft— HAHAHAhaha"
He started shaking with laughter.
"That was so dry... I swear, you're the dryest person I know, Serizawa."
He leaned slightly into the awkward side hug he was being given right now.
"But... thanks."
Reigen closed his eyes.
"Thanks for not letting my dumbass crash and burn, I mean. I appreciate you not punching my face in when you have the opportunity."
The esper leaned back in turn, a faint smile on his face.
"Oh it's tough, but I manage."
...
Reigen swore he could hear crickets.
"That was a joke, just to— I don't ACTUALLY want to punch you."
"Yeah, I know, I figured."
The silence lingered for longer this time, but it felt less awkward and more... peaceful.
"You know what? I *should* head back inside. To save everyone from how dull this party would be without the star of the spiritual world, obviously."
He pushed himself up and away from the railing, turning back to the sound of the chatter.
"Obviously."
Serizawa nodded along with a small smile, following right behind him.
"You should seriously hand over those cigarettes, though."
"AW C'MON"