Work Text:
Aug 23, 2024 - 2:31 PM
hey, this is ed from craigslist
Hello Ed! I’m home whenever you want to come pick it up.
groovy. i’ll be there in twenty min
October 1, 2024 – 11:12 PM
hey hot craigslist guy
settle a bet
Shoot.
is when harry met sally a cute movie or a bad one
Why would it be bad?
bc the whole thing is about how men and women can’t be friends
and then meg ryan and tom hanks become besties
Billy Crystal. Continue.
but then BAM they end up having sex w each other!
doesn’t that prove men and women can’t be friends??
yknow like heteronormativity aside
I had to google that.
what, you’ve never seen the movie?
No, “heteronormativity.”
you’re straight?
Yes.
bummer
for you, i mean
If you watch the movie closely you’ll see they were always in love with each other. So while perhaps the message was delivered in a less than ideal way, ultimately it’s a romantic comedy. Friends to lovers is one of my favorite tropes so maybe I’m biased, but—you can’t go into a romcom and expect the protagonists not to end up together. So is it a “bad movie” – by what metric? Because from where I’m standing, it delivers on its promises of genre and is enjoyable throughout.
huh.
never thought about it like that before.
October 5, 2024 – 12:06 PM
Did you win your bet?
no
and it’s your fault
I’m sorry ☹
don’t be
your point was salient
What did you lose?
i had to buy the drinks the rest of the night
Not too many, I hope.
lol
What’s your drink of choice?
rum
What kind of rum?
the kind w alcohol in it
I’m not a huge fan outside of cocktails. I make a mean daquiri.
i could fuck w a daquiri
Strawberry or lime?
strawberry 💯
What about a rum swizzle?
What’s that?
[two hundred and eight-two messages later]
That’s why I have a complicated relationship with Catholicism, I guess.
doesn’t sound that complicated mate
No?
nope. parents fucked you up, forced to marry and have kids
i could have been you if i had grown up rich
assuming my dad didn’t beat me to death
Well I’m glad both our fathers are dead.
hard same.
hey, uh, not to be weird after all that but… what’s your name?
Stede Bonnet 😊
November 28, 2024 – 1:42 PM
how’s it going
Bad, Ed.
food’s good though right?
I wish you had never told me about the white people and seasonings thing. It has ruined Thanksgiving turkey *and* mashed potatoes.
what about the rolls?
I brought special salted butter so not bad.
have you told them yet?
I’m waiting until after dessert when they’re so stuffed they can’t hate crime me.
they’re not gonna hate crime you
My ex and kids won’t. Her in laws, I’m not so sure.
you’re the one who wanted to do it today
Pageantry, my dear.
December 2, 2024 – 10:03 AM
Thank you for the care package. I do wish you hadn't sent it to my office but the packaging was very discreet. I’m not sure I’m ready for a rainbow dildo of that size, but I researched it and it’s very high end.
put it high in your end
Ha, ha.
you like it 👨❤️💋👨
I do.
January 1, 2025 – 12:00 AM
Happy New Year!!!!
hapyr newayt
jinx
How drunk are you?
axalotl
Ax-A LOT-l
lmfaoooooo
wish u we’re her
I think I’m sticking to he/him for now.
dick
You like it 😊
sure do.
January 5, 2025 – 3:59 AM
are you awake
sorry to text you so late
(early?)
i just had a fucked up dream
i’m five years old
i’m at a restaurant with my mom and dad
and i go to the bathroom
and my dad starts turning into the devil and grows bigger and bigger until he’s a giant
my mom and i are running away
we crouch behind this bush
and as he’s about to step on and crush us i wake up
fuck. sorry.
Can I call you?
yeah
February 13, 2025 – 4:13 AM
hey
Which one this time?
venus fly trap/spider combo
Combo???
yeah.
it was bad.
Call/text?
can you call and just
Yes.
March 1, 2025 – 3:39 AM
okay this one is kind of funny
Shoot.
i’m at a picnic
and this fuck off HUGE bumblebee is chasing me
like we are talking blimp-sized
stinger out
mouth dripping with honey
razor sharp teeth
I don’t think any of this is anatomically accurate.
stede focus
What is it with you and bugs?
that cannot be a serious question
[Ed Craigslist is typing...]
March 29, 2025 – 4:02 AM
dad devil one again
i’ve been having that one since i was five like can my brain fuck off for two fucking seconds
yeah yeah i know “therapy”
stede
stede?
are you okay?
stede i’m worried
stede
STEDE
fuck i don’t have your address
wait. yes i do.
thank fuck for craigslist
i’m coming over to check on you
if you don’t want me please just tell me
January 23, 2026 – 6:34 PM
I’ll be late to the florist darling, don’t wait for me.
do not leave me alone with this man
Lucius is a professional! He doesn’t have to be your friend.
he bullies me ☹
idk why we need him at all when you are just gonna choose whatever you want in the end
We have had this conversation 26 times. I need someone to bounce ideas off.
that seems high
I’ve been counting, sweetness.
but you are a proven liar
Are you really going to throw it into my face that I lied about being awake and instead set my ringer on high for you every night for months so that I could make sure you weren’t alone when you had nightmares?
for the rest of our lives 💍
I love you so much 👨 ❤️ 💋 👨
And also fuck you.
love you too 💜
(fuck me later)