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Technoblade had no idea what to expect when he met Phil’s children.
Phil had talked about them before, of course, but never really in enough detail for Technoblade to put the pieces together. He was a grieving parent, of course he didn’t want to talk in detail about his children. But he always talked about how sweet and innocent and kind his two children were. The two were perfect little angels, his precious son and darling daughter.
Technoblade had always pictured two mini little Phils, just one in shorts and the other in a skirt. Maybe the daughter would have her hair in pigtails, maybe the son would have a slightly different nose, but Technoblade had always pictured that they’d look exactly like Phil.
He was surprised when he was finally introduced to them.
Niki looked the most like her father. Her hair was blonde, most of it was kept down but she had two little buns on top of her head. Her eyes were different though – sometimes they were blue, sometimes they were brown, sometimes they were a golden amber. She wasn’t exactly Phil’s princess like Technoblade though, typically dressed in overalls and a cute shirt.
Wilbur looked the least like his father. His eyes were the most striking. His left eye was a deep blue, and his right eye was green, maybe more of a teal color. His hair was brown with some curls, pulled back in a lopsided ponytail. Freckles dotted his face like an adorable constellation. He was usually dressed in his favorite blue sweater.
They also didn’t act anything like what Technoblade expected.
“So, do you know your star sign?” Wilbur asked him while sprawled out on the floor.
Technoblade tilted his head, “Star sign?”
“Yeah! When you're born, different constellations are in different places! They can tell you a lot about your personality and other fun things!” Wilbur explained excitedly.
“Wilbur likes astrology,” Niki chimed in from the floor where she was drawing a picture of something, “He knows a lot about stuff like this. He also knows a lot about potions.”
“Niki is a Sagittarius Sun, Cancer Moon and Cancer Rising,” Wilbur gushed, “Phil is a Capricorn Sun, Sagittarius Moon and Aquarius Rising.”
Technoblade had no idea what any of those words meant, “Oh… cool… What about you?”
Wilbur smiled brightly, “I am an Aquarius Sun, Gemini Moon, Leo Rising, Gemini Mercury, Pisces Venus, Gemini Mars, Sagittarius Jupiter, Cancer Saturn, Aries Uranus, Sagittarius Neptune, Virgo Pluto—”
“Hey Wilbur, you should guess what Techno is based on his personality,” Niki suggested, interrupting Wilbur.
“Oh, I’ll go get my books!” Wilbur excitedly jumped up and ran out of the room.
Technoblade sighed, “Was he nearly done?”
Niki shook her head, “There were eleven other special points and asteroids, plus the twelve houses.”
Technoblade wasn’t the most in touch with what normal children were interested in or capable of. His ability to manipulate time via undoing his deaths meant that his childhood was complicated. He might have been physically the same age as these two, but mentally? That seemed like an eternity ago, it was hard to imagine.
But he couldn’t imagine normal small children reading large books on things like that. Niki didn’t seem to find it too strange, but surely if this were normal Phil would have mentioned something about these ‘star signs’ to him before, right? Technoblade wasn’t too sure.
Honestly, Technoblade wasn’t sure if Phil’s children were normal children. The stories Technoblade had heard of them made them sound completely different. Definitely not the kind of children who would happily pickpocket from a store, sneak out, or lie so easily to Phil and other adults. They honestly got into so much mischief, it was a miracle they hadn’t been caught.
Niki sighed, “I’m bored.”
Technoblade was as well, but he had assumed the current activities were mentally stimulating enough for a child, “Well, what do you want to do?”
“I want to try baking!” Niki beamed at him.
Was five too young to try baking without adult supervision?
“Have you… baked before?” Technoblade asked cautiously.
Niki nodded, “I’ve helped dad plenty of times! It’s not too hard, you don’t need to worry about it.”
Well, given how paranoid and overprotective Phil could be towards his children, baking must be pretty safe. And it wasn’t like they didn’t have an adult supervising them – Technoblade might be in a sex year old’s body, but he was well in his twenties, if not older. He had fought against armies of heroes, he should be able to keep all of them pretty safe and avoid any kitchen accidents.
“Alright. Let’s head back to the kitchen,” Technoblade nodded.
Niki clapped, “Sure! What flavors do you like in your cupcakes?”
It turns out, while Niki was a good baker, it wasn’t hard to easily distract her and Technoblade. Especially if the distraction was Wilbur. When Wilbur was in a mood, it was impossible to ignore him without grave consequences. It was worse when he was excited about something, he could talk for hours and hours about something. Which was not great with cupcakes in the oven.
At least nothing had been set on fire?
“So,” Phil said as they all sat on the couch, “What did we learn today?”
“That Techno is a Leo Sun, Taurus Moon and Taurus Rising,” Wilbur nodded.
Phil stared at his oldest child for nearly a minute, “What?”
“Wilbur likes astrology,” Niki offered as an explanation.
“Since when?” Phil asked.
“For a while,” Wilbur smiled innocently, “We don’t know Technoblade’s birthday, so I had to guess based on his personality.”
“I… don’t think that’s how it works…” Phil said.
“Well how else are we going to figure out Techno’s birthday and star signs?” Niki asked.
Technoblade had no idea what was going on, “Um, Phil—”
“How are we gonna throw Techno a birthday party, Phil?” Wilbur pouted, “He’s so little and has so many birthdays to look forward to! But we can’t celebrate them if we don’t have a date to celebrate them!”
“We can’t just not celebrate his birthday!” Niki looked up at Phil like she was ready to cry.
Phil’s gaze instantly softened, “Of course we can celebrate Techno’s birthday. You don’t need to study star signs or whatever to work them out.”
“Oh… okay,” Wilbur said with a weak voice.
“Now, it’s nearly dinner time, so why don’t you all go play while I start to make dinner,” Phil smiled reassuringly.
“Okay!”
“Thanks Dad!”
With that the two children ran up the stairs, as if they were being hunted down. Phil looked confused as he turned his gaze back to Technoblade.
“Phil, I think you forgot about the cupcakes,” Technoblade pointed out.
There was a long pause.
“Wil! Niki!”