Chapter Text
“What do you mean you’re not dressed yet?” Screeched the voice of Lily Evans, from behind a door and down a hall.
“I mean, I’m not dressed, because I’m not going!” Remus yelled back from his bed, as he threw his blanket back over his head.
He groaned as he heard the unmistakable heavy footsteps of Lily move down the hall to his door. There was a banging at the door, followed very quickly by the sound of the door knob jiggling. “Remus Lupin, open up this door right now.” Lily demanded.
“No, that goes against all my rights.” He said, and hoped she wouldn’t hear him with the buffers he had put around himself.
Of course, she did anyway. “You have no rights. I’ll kick you out of my apartment so fast.”
“That would be cruel, and inhumane.” Remus argued with the door. “I’ve lived here a year now, I help with rent! You would be making me homeless and I would never forgive you.”
He could practically picture Lily’s hands being thrown up in frustration, followed by them being placed on her hips. “You have a perfectly good apartment, you would absolutely not be homeless. It’s not my fault you decided my spare room was yours.”
Remus peaked his head out of the covers, and looked around his room - Lily’s spare room. The only thing that really marked that it had been his for a year now was the mess on the floor, a small pile of used and battered books, and a bed covered in many blankets and pillows. Otherwise, the space was decorated with light, pastel furniture, and simple floral imagery. It was truly not his room, but it had been the place he had felt safest, surrounded by the careful attention of his friend.
His bedroom, the real one, in an apartment that had been locked and lonely, was full of his carefully curated collections of posters, music, books, antiques, journals and pictures. The last time he was there was over the winter, when Lily had insisted they needed to go get some of his cold weather clothes. The apartment had been quiet, exactly the one thing it never was when it had been home, and he had quickly stalked in and out, not able to stand another second in the apartment he and Sirius had shared in its emptiness. Now, as the weather warmed to spring, his coat was stuffed into the furthest corner of the bedroom he had claimed as his own. He could see the coat, under a pile of sweaters that probably needed to be washed, and the thought of the last quiet trip there was enough of a reminder of what today was.
“Remus?” Lily’s voice from the other side of the door sounded. Still agitated, but softer than before.
“A whole year.” Remus said, strained, more to himself than to her.
“Okay, let me in.” Lily said, and the door handle rattled again. “Now.”
Without removing the blanket from around his shoulders, Remus sighed dramatically, but swung his feet to the floor. He moved through the ‘fire safety path’ to the door, and opened it to Lily.
She was standing with her arms crossed, but a soft and concerned look on her face. She was, of course, already all dressed up. A lacy green top, ripped black jeans, and makeup that made her normally soft features look a bit sharper, ready for a night out for live music. She looked Remus up and down, and he knew that his bedhead, pajama pants, slightly red eyes, and blanket cape spoke more about his current state than anything he could have told her.
Lily started her case. “You’ve got to come.”
“I don’t want to.” Remus countered, but it was a weak argument, and he knew that she knew it.
“You do.”
“I’m pissed at them.”
Lily gave a sigh. “I am too, but when has that ever stopped us from being the better people.”
Remus retreated into the room to sit on the edge of the bed. Lily followed, as she flipped on the overhead light, moved a pile of t-shirts off of a soft rocking chair, and sat down. As Remus sat, he continued his argument. “Maybe I’m sick of being the better person.”
Lily gave him a pointed look. “You are not.”
Remus threw his head back, aware and uncaring that he was acting like a petulant child. “A year, Lily!”
She carefully pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know. But they’re your best friends. They want you there.”
And that much seemed to be true. Earlier that week, James had texted in the groupchat with all of them, for the first time in a year. Remus and Peter, the non-musicians who had been home all this time. And of course, the stars themselves, James, and Sirius.
It had been a shock when the group chat that Remus had long since deleted was what had lit up his phone with James’s text. “We’re coming home! Last show @ Broomsticks Music Hall, Thursday at 7! Tickets on standby for you all + Lily. See you soon!”
The shock, and anger from the text, and the situation as a whole, was overwhelming Remus again, and as he sat in a room that felt decorated too cheery for who he had become as a person, he felt tears well in his eyes again.
“Best friends don’t disappear and don't talk to you for a year.”
“You’ve heard from James.” Lily tried to reason. That was also true. James had texted Remus separately a few times throughout the year, always asking how things were going. James was polite and obtuse as usual, so Remus’s curt responses probably hadn’t been understood for what they were.
Remus rolled his head to look sideways at her. She read his expression correctly. “I know, I know.” She said. “Still, they wouldn’t have invited you if both of them didn’t want you there.”
“I can’t believe you’re just going to let them off the hook.” Remus said.
Lily rolled her eyes.. “Trust me, I’m not. But you know how hard they worked for this. You know better than anyone. I will celebrate them before I lay into them.”
Remus gave a forced chuckle. That was another truth. No one but Remus had watched how hard James and Sirius had practiced their music. No one other than Remus understood how many times rejection had stung them, and how often they wondered if their dreams were made to be stuck in the pipes. No one had celebrated as hard as Remus when their two man band started to find success. No one had been at every show they ever played as an opener like Remus had. No one had cheered harder when a label had picked them up, told them they would be headlining their own tour. Absolutely no one could have supported and helped them more. And now, all Remus could do was regret it. All it had led to was his two best friends, his favorite people in the entire world, disappearing on him.
It was like Lily could see the thoughts that ran rambet through his head. She moved off the rocking chair to sit beside him on the bed, a gentle hand on his knee. It pulled his attention off of the ceiling, and Remus looked at Lily, her kind, freckled face that had gotten him through the past 365 or so days.
“I’m so mad at them.” Remus whispered to her, and he had lost track of how many times he had said it to her.
“I know.” She affirmed.
“I miss them.” He added, and that had been whispered many times too.
Instead of Lily’s normal response, which was ‘you know, you could always reach out first, Remus’ which he would ignore, this time, she said “I know. Come on. Let’s pick out an outfit.”
*
The unbearable amount of emotions that Remus was feeling all at once left him with an overwhelming sense of numbness, as he stood in a crowd of bodies at the Broomsticks Music Hall. It was a local venue, and one he had been to many, many times. Today though, it felt foreign, despite the large number of faces he recognized in the crowd.
Lily had eventually managed to coax him off his bed, and into clean clothes. He had cared little what he wore as Lily pulled out a clean pair of jeans, and a faded t-shirt for him, and then shoved him out the door and onto the tube. Peter had met them, just outside the door. One of Remus’s best friends for many, many years, they had tried to spend time together over the course of the past year, but Peter had always wanted to talk about James and Sirius, and Remus did not, so conversation between them had become a bit strained. Peter had smiled at him though, and pulled Remus in for a quick hug, which he did not fight. They had picked up their tickets at the window, and shuffled together as a six-legged entity into the club.
It was all standing room, and a bar off to one side. Remus knew its capacity was five hundred people, and assumed that that maximum would be hit tonight easily. A local band that had started to blow up, even with a few songs on the radio, (Remus would smack it off each time one started), would of course gain a lot of attention from those who would want to claim they always knew that Map Makers would make it big.
The thought made Remus roll his eyes as he took a sip of his drink. In actuality, not one person in this club outside of their friend group had ever been willing to support James and Sirius in their endeavors. But now, of course, their opinions on the music they were here tonight to see had changed.
“How much longer do you reckon now?” Pete asked. The opener had already played, a band called Valhalla made up of three women, Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas. Remus had met them before the tour started, and they had all become quick friends before everyone departed. They played very well, and even Remus in his foul mood had had to admit it.
Lily shrugged. “They’re so dramatic, and with it being the last show, I’m sure they’ll take their sweet time.”
Remus shook his head. “Nah, they’ll not want the crowd's energy to die down too much after the opener. They won’t be long.”
“Smart.” Pete said. Remus was just annoyed that he knew their tactics that well to predict that. He was also annoyed at how close to the stage they had gotten. Remus had been very ready to stand up against the back wall for the whole night, but Pete had plowed right into the crowd, and left Remus and Lily to follow. In the excitement of Valhalla the crowd had moved closer and they had been swept up in it, and they now found themselves only about three people back from the stage. Remus had never hated his height quite so much as he did then, and knew he would be distinctly visible from the stage.
The speakers played music, a playlist that Remus had at one distant point helped create. He cringed as each song only brought memories of times spent together with all his friends. Of times with James and Peter duking it out over video games, while Sirius and Remus would sprawl on the floor. Of road trips, and late nights, of secrets and trust, and promises to be a family forever. Each song only reminded Remus how much could change in a year.
When the song he knew to be the last in the playlist started, Remus braced himself. “This’ll be them.” We warned Peter and Lily. They were on either side of him, and while he knew they too had both been impacted by Sirius and James’s absence from their lives, that they would be there to keep him steady.
Lily looked up at him once. “Good?” She mouthed, over the sound of the crowd singing along to the speakers.
Remus gave a strained smile back. She bumped a shoulder into him, then turned back to the stage. Like clockwork, as the song faded out, so did the lights of the little stage. The crowd fell silent with it, one or two people gave an unnecessary yell of excitement.
There was a small noise of shuffling coming from the stage, and Remus could practically picture James crouching down and moving across the stage in his attempt to get to his drum set unseen. He did so effectively though, as with a sudden crash that turned into a loud beat, James began to drum into the darkness.
Remus recognized it, of course he did. He had been there for the entire process of almost every song. This one was one of the first that had started to gain popularity, and the crowd reacted as such. It was not just Remus that recognized the first notes of Feral Days. James’s beat carried on, rose to a crescendo, then was matched with a ringing guitar chord.
A light flashed, so bright that for a glorious moment, Remus was blinded to everything on the stage. As the crowd screamed and rushed in closer though, Remus was pushed with them, and for the first time in a year, there were his two best friends.
James was shirtless at the drums, the colored lights reflected off his dark brown skin, and his always messy hair swung around with him as he matched each drumbeat with force. It had always been a wonder to Remus how the man managed to keep his glasses on his head when he played. As he watched him, Remus felt a sudden pang of guilt for how little effort he had himself put into the, admittedly few, texts James had sent him.
He could not focus on that thought for long though, as Sirius had begun to sing. In a small moment devoid of sound, his voice was the only thing that ran clear, and Remus could only just look on from the crowd.
Sirius’s hair had grown longer, and it fell in waves down his shoulders. He wore a blank tank top, and tattoos that Remus recognized, and many others he didn’t were dark against his pale skin. He looked thinner than the last Remus had seen him, his cheekbones a bit higher.
The pain of anger and grief struck Remus stronger than he could have predicted. Sirius sang with his eyes closed the first lyrics of one of the first songs he had ever written. Remus could only wonder how many in the crowd could relate in some way to Sirius’s musical story about never wanting to leave the safe walls of their boarding school.
“ Those breaks I dread
anywhere but that house,
no more summers, I pled. ”
Remus had felt his heart hurt the first time Sirius had turned his lyric book his direction and asked for his thoughts. It still did. To hear so many voices sing along though, it almost completely transformed the song.
As the intro ended Sirius opened his eyes and pulled away from the mic, and the crowd sounded in return. They all loved him, Remus realized. Sirius bent down to hold his hands out to those at the very front of the stage, who all eagerly grasped for his hands back. Remus knew the man too well though, knew his mannerisms on and off stage, and knew he was searching.
The thought made Remus tense, although he knew it was inevitable. Sirius continued to sing, and Remus watched his gaze sweep the front of the crowd, and the very back. He was not looking in any of the right places, and the little notch between his eyebrows deepened. Remus almost scoffed at the thought that despite being right there in his line of sight, Sirius still hadn’t found him.
The chorus of the song began, and bodies jumped and screamed along with Sirius.
“ Please let me stay in the feral days,
Please tell me I won’t need obey .”
There was a practiced pause there for a cymbal crash, and as it sounded, Sirius finally had found him. He locked eyes with Remus. It froze Remus in place, which he hated deeply. The thought that the sudden gaze of a person he used to spend everyday with could paralyze him like that. But it hadn’t been his fault, he tried to remind himself, but it was difficult when the way Sirius’s grin spread across his face was the loudest thing he had ever heard.
Sirius grinned and grinned as he sang the rest of the chorus right at Remus.
“With you, I’d always rather stay,
But I leave, and lie,
‘It’ll all be okay’”
Remus bit at his cheek anxiously and couldn’t help but roll his eyes, and didn’t care if Sirius could see or not. The return of the small eyebrow crease indicated that he had. Sirius held the last note though, before he turned and ran to James across the stage. On with the show.
He felt an arm wrap around his elbow, and knew it was Lily. He sighed into her, and she let him. He wasn’t sure how long he would be able to withstand the irony of most of the songs that the Map Makers would play. So much of their music was centered around the close knit friendship of their childhood and early adulthood. So much of it was promises that had been broken.
But when Sirius turned back to the crowd for the repeat of the chorus, it was again that Sirius sang right to Remus. One voice above the rest, and eyes of gray and stars that sounded out and Remus was forcibly reminded how powerful the presence of Sirius on a stage was. Intoxicating, and light, and exactly where he was meant to be. It wouldn’t matter how much he could hate Sirius otherwise, when Sirius sang, you could only root for him, and all you could do was watch and sway along. And so that was what he found himself doing, and he could hardly deny that a small, sad smile tugged on his cheek as his pride for his friend won out for a moment.
“With you, I’d always rather stay,
But I leave, and lie,
‘It’ll all be okay’
But Christ, I want to stay in those feral days.”
The music drew to a close, and as the crowd erupted into clapping and cheers, Sirius stood still on stage looking at Remus. It was a short moment, but it was one Remus felt, heavily. It was broken quickly though, as James leaned into his microphone above his drum set and screamed into it.
“How are we doing tonight!?!”
The crowd answered with raucous glee.
The reaction made Sirius chuckle, who had moved back to life as if he had never seen Remus at all. “Think they’re doing alright, James?” He asked his drummer.
James gave a dramatic shrug. “Could be better. How are we doing tonight?!?” He repeated, louder, and the crowd matched just the same.
“Alright, alright.” Sirius said, but Remus knew that he was eating it up. “It's the last show of our tour, and of course we had to come home to do it!”
Everyone in the club was ecstatic to be addressed as home, and even Lily and Peter joined in on the claps.
“And we are absolutely thrilled to recognize so many faces!” James said, and pointed a drumstick into the crowd. Peter raised a hand in an enthusiastic wave, and James waved right back, his wide characteristic smile plain on his face. “But enough yapping, let's get back to music.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” Sirius said. With that, they launched into their next song.
As the two man band played on, Remus had to find a delicate balance between closely watching his friends that he had deeply and sorely missed, versus acting just aloof enough and refusing to again meet Sirius’s eyes. It was difficult though, as Remus couldn’t help but mentally catalog each small difference and change since he had last seen them both.
James looked like he had been working out, a lot. His hair was also longer. He was playing with more fire than Remus had ever seen before. He wondered if that had become the normal, and it hurt that he didn’t know.
Sirius bounced around the stage like it would kill him to stand still for more than two seconds, but that wasn’t new. That was how Sirius existed, always moving. His voice was practiced, and each move with his lyrics seemed well rehearsed. Even in between songs, the on stage banter felt almost like a script, and Remus did not recognize most of it. It felt like returning to the house he had grown up in, but all the walls were painted anew, and none of the furniture was the same.
The set list passed by Remus, and it, at least, was familiar. Thin as Blood, Detention for Four, Red Room Blues, and Somethin’ Wicked all played, and the crowd seemed to love each one more than the last. They covered two songs, and Remus knew that the set was coming to a close.
“Thank you!” Sirius called out to the crowd as they lost their mind after Sirius had of course crushed his version of Mr. Brightside, always a fan favorite. “Now, we don’t have many left for you.” The crowd booed and awed. “But,” Sirius placated. “What do you say we sing you a new one?”
The question, Remus found, was directed at him. He had not avoided Sirius’s gaze again, and he tensed at the question. The last show they had performed here Sirius had proposed the same thing, and that was when it had all gone wrong. Lily pressed in closer to his side. She remembered it too. Remus began to plan his escape, he could absolutely not stand to listen to that song again.
“Brand, brand new.” Sirius said, and Remus couldn’t help but feel it was for just him, and no one else in the audience. “We want to do something a bit special for our hometown.”
Everyone around Remus screamed “YES!!” And “New song!!” while he just wanted to leave. Something in the way Sirius was still looking at him, and the note of pleading in his eyes kept him still though.
Regardless of if Sirius was genuinely asking for his permission or not, he seemed to nod to himself at Remus’s continued presence. “Alright then.” He said, and took a step back from the microphone, readying his guitar. “This is Solar Flare. Take us away, Jamie.”
James hit his guitar sticks together, and counted them in. “One, two, one, two, three.” It must have been a very new song if they still needed to do that.
It was with a quick ferocity that they launched into a song that already sounded so much angrier than any they had made before. James had already been sweating, but attacked the song like he had something to prove, and when Remus looked, he was shocked to see that Sirius was eerily still in the center of the stage. Remus knew him though, knew the rapid rise and fall of his chest, the words that were about to pour out of him would be anything but calm. And Remus had been absolutely right. Sirius stepped slowly back towards the mic, and began to scream.
“ Lash out, I know I lash out
Burn it all without a thought!
Practical, chemical, parent-etigal
I’ve got no excuse to share.
Its okay to stay away,
I know I’m just a solar flare. ”
Sirius’s scream was gruff, and loud enough that Remus was sure he could be heard from outside the venue. The sound of him, and the words themselves rooted Remus to the ground.
Sirius gulped the last words down, his chest at a wild pant, and now Remus realized, it was Sirius’s turn to avoid eye contact. The song pressed on though.
“ Bubble up, burst and spray
You’ve every reason to keep away
I hurt and I burn and I can
Turn it all to ash
Nothing to be spared.
Its okay to hate me
I know I’m just a solar flare. ”
The crowd danced with rapt attention, but not as rapt as Remus was. The venue pulsed with lights of red and yellow, and he felt that his cheeks likely matched in the warmth of the color.
With the next verse, the screams turned into a desperate whine of Sirius into the microphone, his eyes pressed closed.
“ Radio blackouts.
Nothing I can hear
Just your name, sent through space.
Don’t you miss your solar flare? ”
The question rang through Remus’s ears, and he felt everything and nothing all at once. The whine turned back into the scream, more visceral somehow even than before.
“Lash out, I know I lashed out!
Went and burned you without a thought!
I cycle and I orbit, holding onto planets
I sent them my prayer
Please, god why am I a solar flare?”
Sirius looked to the ceiling with the last words, like he was in fact praying to a god that Remus knew he didn’t believe in. Sirius sucked in a deep breath, head still turned upwards, and together him and James reigned the beat in. No longer was it a racehorse on a track, but the sound floated, as if detached from gravity.
“Even our twisted magnetic fields
Couldn’t stop the pull
Gamma rays and destruction yield
In nights of light and something meaningful”
Sirius looked at the ground as he sang, something Remus hadn’t seen him do in years. He could hardly process what that meant though as he listened intently to the words being sung. The tempo picked back up, and sped past as Sirius again screamed the last lyrics of the song.
“Even our twisted magnetic fields
Couldn’t stop the pull
But its all
Radio blackouts
Nothing I can hear
Radio blackouts
Nothing I can hear
Just your name, sent through space.”
Sirius finally looked back out into the crowd, and in a second, found Remus. His lips were pressed closed to the microphone, and Remus gulped as Sirius sang to him.
“Don’t you miss your solar flare?”
The song ended abruptly, and the venue was engulfed in total silence for just a second as if the crowd was confused. It passed quickly though, and they exploded with cheers and screams.
On the stage, Sirius breathed heavily, drenched in sweat, and without a smile he stared right at Remus. Remus stared right back, and could only hope that the venue was at least dark enough that Sirius could not see the war of emotions that was almost certainly playing across his face. On one hand, here was Sirius’s form of an apology, but on the other, it made it sound like Remus had been the one to pull away, which was about as inaccurate as Remus could imagine.
Remus had been so distracted that he had not seen James leave his drum set to join Sirius at the center of the stage. He wrapped an arm around his shorter best friend, and the movement was a distraction enough to pull both Remus and Sirius out of their isolated trance.
“Thank you so much everyone! We’ve got some merch and cds in the back for on your way out!” James shouted.
Sirius’s stage smile plastered back onto his face, and he leaned into James. “Once again, We are the Map Makers! This has been incredible! Thank you!”
James gave a wave at the crowd, and when he found Remus, Peter and Lily, he mouthed ‘wait for us’ at them. Then the two man band made their way off stage.
The crowd around them burst into murmurs and conversation. Remus could hear some people around him sound a bit confused, as if they didn’t quite believe that was the end of the show, and that certainly there would be an encore. Remus did though, that was how the last show he had been at had ended. A brand new song to Remus, a plea from James to meet them backstage, and no more music for the night. That last time, Remus had not waited for them.
“Wow, they really have gotten good haven’t they.” Peter remarked from his side.
“Lots of experience will do that.” Lily said. Her bangs had become plastered to her forehead. “They looked great though.”
Remus rolled his eyes at her. “You mean James looked good.”
Lily gave as much of a shrug as she could manage while they were all still packed like sardines. “I said what I said.” She told him. “Now, will these people get the hint and start to move?” Lily said, quite loudly, and the people surrounding them did.
Finally, Remus was freed from the constricting crowd, and made a beeline for the furthest brick wall to lean against and catch his breath. Pete and Lily followed right behind.
“You alright, mate?” Peter asked.
“Fine.” Remus said, because he honestly had no idea how he was. “You?”
Peter gave a half shrug. “Good. I… I’ve chatted with them recently, so it's not been too weird.” Peter said as he shuffled his feet.
Remus looked down at him. “You’ve talked to them?” He asked. When Peter nodded, Remus pressed. “Both of them? Even Sirius?” The question stung as Remus asked it.
Peter looked at the ground as he answered. “Yeah. Sorry Rem, I know he hasn’t-”
“It's fine.” Remus cut him off. “Whatever.”
Peter and Lily both gave him a sympathetic look, which Remus couldn’t stand. He never had learned how to handle it.
He ran an anxious hand through his curls, a whirlpool of emotions cycling through his stomach. He looked at Lily, wondered briefly if or how often she had heard from not just James, but Sirius as well, but couldn’t bring himself to ask. “I can meet you back at home.” He said, but heard the question of it in his own tone.
Lily gave a little shake of her head, like she and him both knew that for no good reason, he would listen to her. “We don’t have to be long.” She said quietly.
Remus just leaned further into the wall, and crossed his arms over his chest with a sigh. “Right.” He said, not really believing her, but not willing to fight. “Being the bigger person.” He said, more to himself than anyone else.
Peter joined him in leaning against the wall, and Lily pulled up a spot on the floor. They watched mostly in tired silence as the rest of the crowd moved through the slow motions of a merch line. Eventually the venue security started to push everyone out, but let the three of them be.
At one point Lily looked up from the ground. “Do you want to talk about that song?”
Remus almost huffed a laugh, not sure how he should feel that it was evident it had been for him. “No.” He said, not unkindly. She leaned her head against his leg, and they continued to wait.
When the merch line finally cleared out, the young woman who had been working it walked over to where the three of them waited. She waved shyly. “Hey guys!” She said, then seemed to cringe at herself. “You might not remember me, but we met before tour started.”
Lily smiled at her. “Diana, yes we remember. Hi!”
Remus was not sure he did remember Diana very well. She had a young face, but had to have been around their age. Shoulder length hair in messy curls, that was such a dirty blonde it was practically brunette. She was wearing shorts, and her legs were covered in colorful tattoos. She giggled nervously. “I know we didn’t get to spend a lot of time together before, but I just have heard so many stories, it feels like I know you guys so well.”
“Hopefully nothing horrible.” Peter joked, but Remus couldn’t imagine what sort of stories Sirius could have possibly passed on about him. The thought of Sirius speaking about him at all to anyone but James felt like an additional betrayal, when he couldn’t have even been bothered to ever speak to Remus.
“No, no.” Diana assured. “Always the opposite.” She sounded kind, but Remus noticed a slight frown from her in his direction. That was fine, he thought. She didn’t need to like him.
“Do you do merch stuff for other bands while the Maps Makers aren’t touring?” Lily asked politely.
“Sure do. Now that this tour is finally wrapped, I’ll be planning what comes next. But I think I’ll probably stick around the area a bit longer. I’m not contracted exclusively with the Map Makers. So I’m not sure if I’ll work with them again in the future, but I love the job itself.” Diana said, and Remus thought absently that she seemed like a bit of a rambler. He also knew he was in a bad mood, and his judgement of people might be a bit harsh.
“I’m sure.” Lily said, still from the floor.
Diana glanced over her shoulder, messy curls following. “I’ll go tell the guys you’re waiting, I’m sure they’re trying to beautify themselves. Nice seeing you again!”
“Bye, Diana.” Peter and Lily said as she left.
It felt like an age later when a very familiar voice sounded from across the space. The same voice that had once, so many years ago, loudly told Remus his name, and declared without any reason beyond that they shared a dorm that they would be friends forever. “Guys!” Shouted James Potter. It was followed by fast feet as James ran towards them. Lily stood up, and Remus and Pete pulled themselves off the wall.
He had luckily cleaned up, and was even now wearing a shirt, and he quickly pulled all three of them into a hug at the same time. It was uncomfortable and squishy, and reminded Remus deeply of their childhood. He couldn’t stop the bit of a smile at the return of James to his life.
“Oh my god it's good to be back.” James said as he finally released them. He gave Pete’s hair a quick ruffle, then smacked Remus on the shoulder. To Lily, he stood up straight. “You look great.”
Lily flushed slightly, but smiled. “Thanks. So do you.”
James flushed even harder than she had. Remus had to wonder, not for the first time that night, how often they had been speaking over the course of the year.
As glad and conflicted as Remus was to be reunited with one of his best friends, he couldn’t help but look over his shoulder for the other one. James, never as oblivious as many took him for, noticed. “He’s on his way.” He met Remus’s eyes earnestly. “I’ve missed you, Lup.”
“You too James. I should’ve been better about tex–”
He was interrupted by a voice, ever more familiar. “Moons!”
Remus tensed, unsure of what to expect. James stepped aside, and Remus was faced with the shape of Sirius Black running at him. Before he could blink, Sirius’s arms were wrapped around him in the tightest hug he had ever experienced. Remus was knocked back slightly by the impact, and for a moment, stood shocked and limp as the man who had disappeared from his life a year ago wrapped around him.
He looked around a little wide eyed, and saw Lily, who just inclined her head at Sirius pointedly. Remus looked down at the black head of hair that reached just below his chin. His heart beat embarrassingly fast, and it took a moment to convince his arms to move, but slowly he wrapped his arms around Sirius in return.
He felt a small heave of Sirius’s shoulders as he did. “You came.” Sirius said in a hurt, shocked whisper that certainly only Remus could hear. It confused him, but, as it always had, Sirius's pained voice just made him hold onto him a bit tighter. Sirius wasn’t letting go, and Remus allowed his eyes to flutter shut. A thought materialized in his head so clearly as the man clutched at him. The feel and weight of him was so familiar, even the smell of him, Remus couldn’t help but relax into it, even if only slightly. Sirius felt like home. And he hadn’t felt it in so long.
Despite the anger and betrayal he had been harboring for so long, he never wanted that hug to end. He wanted to cry as Sirius pulled his head off of his chest, but kept his arms firmly around him. “I didn’t think you would.” He said, still low and blue.
Remus wasn’t quite sure how to respond as he was face to face with Sirius. Seeing him up on the stage had been weird enough, but there had still been a sense of separation, like maybe he really was just a musician that Remus had been dragged along to see. There was none of that illusion here though, where he could see that way Sirius’s pupils dilated in his gray eyes, he could see the faint freckle that sat on his left cheekbone, and could feel his breath dance across his skin. He wanted to tell Sirius that of course he had come, that even if he had not wanted to, he was always going to be in the audience. It all got stuck in his throat though.
“Well yeah, James invited us.” Remus settled on saying, his throat dry.
It hadn’t been what Sirius wanted to hear though, and Remus knew that. Sirius cleared his throat, and quickly pulled away from him. James, Lily and Peter had moved a few steps away and were chatting in low voices. Remus couldn’t see, but was sure that they all kept glancing occasionally over at them. Sirius looked around the room, but his gaze quickly returned to Remus.
“So uh, is Shawn here..or..” Sirius started.
“No.” Remus said, a bit taken aback by the question. He hadn’t thought of Shawn in a very long time, and it wasn’t like Sirius had ever cared about him. He had made that quite clear. Remus felt the walls of awkwardness begin to build up around them quickly. “No, we’re not together anymore.”
“Oh.” Sirius said, his eyes a bit wide and he shuffled his feet.
“Dumped me last year. But I have a hard time believing you didn’t know that.” Remus said flatly, without really meaning to.
The crease between Sirius’s eyebrows had deepend dramatically. He looked over to James like he was searching for help, but there was no life preserver being sent his way. With patented Sirius hope though he continued on. “Listen, I wasn’t sure…the flat… so James said I can stay at his if that’s better right now, or.”
Remus almost wanted to laugh at how awkward Sirius was being. It was so far from the cool persona he adorned on stage, and almost just as far from how he knew him to be in reality. He cut Sirius off though. “No, it's fine. I’m going to Lil’s anyways.” Remus told him. He hadn’t been able to stand to spend one night in the empty flat, but it seemed fitting that Sirius should.
Sirius’s lips twisted up, like he had more to say but was holding back from doing so. Remus had no idea where they were meant to go from here. They were saved from it finally though, by James, Lily and Peter walking back over to them.
Sirius shuffled close to James, and Remus couldn’t help but feel concern over how eagerly Sirius was letting himself fall into the background. Lily and Peter both pulled him into a quick hug though, and engaged him in a polite conversation about how wonderful they thought the show had gone.
Remus was busy scuffing his shoe against the floor and trying to ignore the sensation that bugs were crawling beneath his skin, but Peter caught his attention as he said “That new song was really quite something.”
That snapped Remus’s attention up, and he was almost not even surprised to see Sirius’s eyes honed in on him for a reaction. Remus fought to not give him one, but the air had become charged.
James gave a bit of a cough. “Thanks, uh, that one was all Sirius.”
Remus didn’t stop the eyeroll that possessed him. Of course it had been, Sirius wrote practically all their lyrics, and that one more than any of them had been some sort of pointed message from him.
“Did you like it?” Sirius asked, and for all intents and purposes, it was a response to Peter’s compliment, but directed at Remus. No one spoke.
Remus turned away from him, to where Lily had taken up sentry next to him. “I think it's time to go.” He said, without glancing at his watch. “I’ve got work tomorrow.”
Lily searched his gaze, she knew it was a lie and he absolutely did not have work the next day. But she gave a nod. “You’re right. Me too.” She gave a dramatic yawn and Remus had no idea if it was forced or not.
“That’s my signal too then.” Pete said, and went to join them, giving James a high-five as he walked past.
They turned to walk, and as much as each step away from the awkward and confusing encounter was a relief, Remus also couldn’t help but feel that the last time he had walked away from Sirius, it had been the last for a very long time. He hadn’t ever turned around last time. He had simply walked away and felt so sure he would see his best friends– even in their anger with each other at the time– the next day, just like always.
And so this time, he couldn’t help it. He looked back over his shoulder. James had a hand on Sirius’s shoulder, and was saying something to him. Sirius just stood, with his shoulders slumped, staring after them. For the short moment that Remus looked back though, Sirius’s eyes widened, just a bit. Remus didn’t look long enough to see anything else, and he walked out of the venue with Peter and Lily.