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“I think Atsumu’s biggest blessing isn’t his physical talents or his mental abilities - it’s that he’s got Osamu.”
Seven years ago, Atsumu and Osamu uttered their last words as brothers: a simple, meaningful “I hate you.” Three words that left a resounding impact on both of their lives, twisting the intertwined fibers of their being until they shattered. Their entire world froze in unbreakable ice before their very eyes.
“‘Tsumu,” Osamu began, fiddling with one of the buttons on his blazer’s sleeve. He was nervous to speak to his brother of all people. Rather than saying what he wanted to, he switched the topic at the last second, “Can ya believe it’s their graduation day?”
Atsumu shook his head in reply, “Nah, can’t believe Kita-san and Aran-san are leavin’ us to our own devices. The team is so fucked.”
“I’m more shocked that they left the captain position to ya,” Osamu laughed, “Thought they woulda given it to Gin or somethin’.”
Atsumu turned to scowl at his brother, “What? Ya think I’m not fit for the role? I can be a great captain, ya know.”
”Ya got the year to prove that’s true.” Osamu took a breath, “Hey, ‘Tsumu?”
”Yeah?”
Osamu let it out, “I’m gonna quit volleyball after high school.”
Atsumu stopped fiddling with his collar, “Yer jokin’ right?”
Osamu shook his head, “No.” A pause enveloped the duo, both frozen in their places, “I wanna open a restaurant. It’s always been my dream.”
“No, yer dream was to play volleyball at the Olympics with me. What the fuck are ya talkin’ about?” Atsumu was confused - his brother wanted to open a restaurant instead of playing with him?
”I asked Sunarin and Gin ‘bout what I should do, they both said follow my heart rather than my head. I don’t wanna hurt ya, ‘Tsumu, but I gotta do this for me.” Osamu boldly looked into his twin’s eyes, “We still got a year left of bein’ the ‘Miya Twins’ on the court, let’s make it-“
”You don’t wanna hurt me?” Atsumu asked, a darker look coming over his eyes, “It does fucking hurt, ‘Samu. It hurts that ya lied to me for years, sayin’ ya wanted to go pro with me. It hurts that ya went to people who weren’t me for advice. Ya say ya don’t wanna hurt me, then ya do things that contradict yer words.”
“I did those to protect yer feelings, ‘Tsumu. Ya would’ve reacted the way ya are now if I told ya any sooner.” Osamu’s hands grasped his sleeves, “I gotta make my own path, can’t just follow ya on yers.”
“Did ya even think ‘bout me?” Atsumu uncharastically spoke, his words barely being heard over the air conditioning in their shared room.
Osamu took a step toward Atsumu, who stepped back in return, “Of course I thought ‘bout ya. Yer my twin, kinda hard not to.”
“I don’t think ya thought hard enough.” Atsumu tapped his own head with a blank face.
“Can’t ya just be happy for me like a brother should be?” Osamu crossed his arms, “If ya told me ya wanted to do somethin’ else I’d be happy for ya.”
“This is fuckin’ different, ya know that.” Atsumu pulled the roots of his freshly-done hair, balling his hands into fists. “I can’t believe ya’d do this to me.”
“Fuck me thinkin’ ‘bout yer feelin’s, are ya thinkin’ ‘bout my feelin’s and what I wanna do?” Osamu raised his voice and pushed back Atsumu’s shoulders, the latter’s back hitting the wall of their shared room. ”Why would ya want me to do somethin’ I don’t love?”
“Ya literally told me before the training camp that ya love it just a smidge less than I do. Why are ya spoutin’ bullshit now?” Atsumu released his hair and pushed his twin in return, “I can’t believe ya.”
“Now yer guilt trippin’ me for wantin’ to do somethin’ I love. I fuckin’ hate ya, ‘Tsumu. I wish I was an only child ‘n ya were never born. Wouldn’t have to put up with this shit if I was an only.” Osamu stutters over the words, wanting to take them back as soon as they leave his mouth.
Atsumu’s eyes teared up at the admission, “Do ya really mean that?”
Osamu gripped the fabric at his side, desperately wanting to say no rather than stand his ground, his instincts screaming at him. “Yeah, I fuckin’ do. I hate ya.”
Atsumu’s eyes searched his brother’s face for any sign of sarcasm, hot tears streaming down his face. When he didn’t see any, he uttered an “I hate ya too,” and pushed past Osamu, heading down the stairs of their home and straight outside.
Their last year in high school consisted of Osamu attempting to speak to his brother and Atsumu either ignoring him or uttering confirmations. Osamu had Suna, Atsumu had Gin. That’s just how it was, even as captain and vice captain.
“Are ya ever gonna talk to him, ‘Tsumu?” Gin would ask, placing his hand on his best friend’s shoulder.
Atsumu would scoff, “What do ya think?”
On their graduation day, very few words were shared - none of which being a goodbye from either party. After Atsumu’d packed his belongings from the guest room he’d moved into, Osamu uttered a simple “Take care of yourself,” to which Atsumu didn’t grace with a response.
To Atsumu, they’d said goodbye a year ago when his brother wished he was never born.
While in high school, Atsumu was scouted to join the Sendai Frogs - an offer he accepted immediately post-graduation. He earned the starting spot by pouring his heart and soul into the game, his dedication dripping with each set ball. Though his first time playing without his twin, he’d already started to make a name for himself in the volleyball world.
After his first game as a starter, a reporter approached him and asked for a short interview. Having been Atsumu’s first time being approached by a reporter of any kind in his V. League career, he automatically accepted.
“Miya-san-“ A reporter started holding a microphone to his mouth, glancing between Atsumu and the camera.
Atsumu interrupted, “Atsumu’s fine.”
“Okay, Atsumu-san. You’re fresh out of high school, already competing against people who have played the game for twice the amount of time you have.”
Atsumu nodded, “I’ve been out of high school for a year now, but was there a question in there?”
“In high school, you and your brother were a fantastic duo.”
Atsumu winced at the mention - now that was still fresh, “Thanks.”
The reported nodded in acknowledgement, “The fans want to know… What happened to your brother? Everybody thought you would terrorize the V. League with your attacks, but we stand corrected.”
“Well, I’m pretty sure he’s still alive,” that comment earned a laugh from the reporter, though not intended to be a joke, “His heart led him down another path.”
That was the most subtle way Atsumu could say that they were done.
“What path would that be, if you don’t mind me asking?” The reporter pushed, obviously not noticing Atsumu’s shift in tone.
Atsumu honestly didn’t know. Last time he talked to Osamu, he’d wanted to be a chef at his own restaurant. If his dream changed, it’s not like Atsumu was close enough to him to have that knowledge.
“Yer just gonna have to wait to find out.”
The reporter laughed again, “How mysterious! You sure do know how to keep people on their toes.”
Atsumu thought it was all over, but even after the first reporter the questions about Osamu kept rolling in.
[Suna to Osamu]: did u see this? *link to atsumu’s interview with reporter*
[Osamu to Suna]: no wtf? that was posted a year ago?
[Suna to Osamu]: watch it.
Osamu watched as his brother grew increasingly uncomfortable answering questions regarding Osamu’s whereabouts. When Atsumu winced, Osamu winced too. He could only feel sorry that his brother had to go through that. When the video arrived to asking about Osamu’s current path and Atsumu made a comment about thinking he was still alive, he had to text Suna.
[Osamu to Suna]: the crazy part is he isn’t joking
[Osamu to Suna]: we haven’t seen each other since graduation day. he has no fucking clue whether i’m 6ft under or not.
[Suna to Osamu]: that was 2 yrs ago??
After two years with the Sendai Frogs, Atsumu found himself signing the paper that laid in front of him, hearing a voice ring out in his ears. Signing with a new team was sudden to him, but the constant was volleyball being his battleground - and refuge. A place when he could bury the ache that he was left with beneath the roars of the crowd and the stinging of sweat in his eyes.
“Welcome to the MSBY Black Jackals, Atsumu. We’re happy to have you.”
He shook the held out hand of his new coach, Samson Foster, and put a smile on his face, “Happy to be here, Coach.”
Atsumu moved into the MSBY sharehouse and on the night of his arrival, they held a small get-together for the team members.
“How about a toast, Atsumu?” One member, Meian (if his memory serves him right), asked while holding a bottle of beer. “It's a tradition for the newly-signed to raise a toast.”
Atsumu shrugged his shoulders before holding up his own bottle, carefully choosing his words before speaking, “Here's to new beginnings and newfound family.”
“I’ll cheers to that!” Inunaki hollered before taking a sip of his chosen drink, “Here’s to Atsumu!”
All of a sudden, Atsumu felt nauseous. He wasn’t sure why, but he handed his drink to a new teammate he hasn’t learned the name of and headed to the bathroom. His head was screaming, his stomach burning. Atsumu grabbed his phone, opening an application with a number pad. Halfway through the phone number he stopped, deleting what he’d typed.
Even after three years, it was still a habit for him to call his brother. How embarrassing.
On the other side of Japan, Osamu sat in the bathroom with his head held over the toilet. Tears streamed down his face as he threw up whatever was in his stomach, and his forgotten phone sat on the floor beside him with a tab open.
‘Inarizaki High Phenom Turned Sendai Frogs Star Miya Atsumu Signs to the Division I V.League Team MSBY Black Jackals.’
“Atsumu, you’re starting the game.” Foster spoke, pointing to a whiteboard with their lineup on it, “Make us proud.”
”You got it boss.” Atsumu smiled, dazing at the white board.
“I’m so proud of you.”
Atsumu’s head snapped up and looked into the crowded stands for whoever said that - he knew whose voice it was - one similar to his own. A clap on his back startled him and he winced lightly at the stinging sensation.
“You good, ‘Tsum-‘Tsum?” Bokuto asked, a nod coming from the mentioned, “I was telling you that I’m proud of you! You’re incredible, ‘Tsum-‘Tsum!”
Oh. So it wasn’t him.
“Thanks, Bokkun.”
Atsumu played his heart out against the Tachibana Red Falcons, winning them the game and earning himself another starting position. He wondered if his brother was watching him, seeing that he could be happy without him, playing the sport they both used to love. No matter how many victories he’d secure or accolades adorned his name, the ache would never cease - it was a persistent wound that refused to be silenced.
On the other side of the screen, Osamu sat with Suna spectating the game from afar.
A teary-eyed Osamu whispered toward nobody in particular, though Suna knew who it was directed to.
“I’m so proud of you.”
Four years in and Atsumu was making a name for himself and learning how to be happy without his built-in best friend. Osamu couldn’t say the same for himself - his guilt overpowered any other feeling he’d had in the past four years.
‘Olympic Hopefuls Sakusa Kiyoomi and Miya Atsumu Come Out? MSBY Black Jackals volleyball star setter, Miya Atsumu (24) and hitter Sakusa Kiyoomi (23) post about their relationship on social media and the fans are going crazy!’
Ah, was this how it felt when his brother was the last to know about his career choice? Being the last to know about Atsumu’s sexuality and relationship hurt more than Osamu would like to admit. He didn’t know why he felt betrayed - they hadn’t spoken in over five years.
“You saw the article?” Suna asked, waving his phone in the air where the same article was pulled up, “Should’ve known you’d keep tabs on him even now.”
Osamu could only nod before being pulled into a hug by Suna, sobbing into his boyfriend’s jacket.
“You’re okay. Things are going to be okay.”
Osamu choked, “Not without him they aren’t.”
“You’ve survived this long without him.”
“I don’t want to anymore, Rin. It hurts.”
Suna shushed Osamu and pushed his head further into his shoulder, “I know it does. It’ll never stop hurting.”
It was a game review day for the Black Jackals, yet Atsumu found himself with silent tears running down his cheeks.
“What’s wrong, Atsu?” Sakusa whispered, wrapping an arm around the body next to him.
Atsumu let out a wet laugh, “I dunno. Sometimes it just happens.”
They were at the supermarket doing a grocery run for the sharehouse when Atsumu reached his hand toward something he’d been avoiding for awhile - Onigiri. Ever since the news that Osamu finally opened his own restaurant named “Onigiri Miya”, Atsumu’d been avoiding that food like the plague.
“When we get married, I’m takin’ yer last name.”
Sakusa cocked his head, “What brought that on?”
“Just… Just thinkin’.”
Sakusa sighed and rubbed his hand over Atsumu’s coat, “Thinking about your brother? You’ve been keeping tabs on him, haven’t you?”
Atsumu nodded, “Yeah. Kinda hard goin’ from livin’ every day of our lives together to radio silence.”
”Why don’t you reach out, then?” Atsumu told Sakusa the story and was honestly appalled to hear those words come from his mouth, “You two were obviously holding each other back. You found yourselves separately - maybe it’s time to find each other again.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t? Or you don’t want to?”
Atsumu laughed, “Both really.”
“It’s been six years, Atsumu. Do you want to go on like this for the rest of your life?”
Atsumu stood his ground, “I have to. I don’t have a choice, Omi.”
“Okay.”
Atsumu bought the onigiri he’d found in the market, hiding it in a corner of their shared fridge.
Osamu found himself in the kitchen preparing something he’d been making every day for months.
Suna approached Osamu and hugged him from behind, peering over his shoulder at the board on their counter. “Aren’t you tired of onigiri, Osamu? You make it for a living.”
“I dunno why but I’m really cravin’ it right now.” Osamu patted the rice into a triangular shape, “I can’t just order it from somewhere when I’m literally known for makin’ onigiri for a livin’. Imagine if customers somehow found out that the owner of Onigiri Miya orders takeaway onigiri.”
Atsumu found himself sitting on the court cradling his ankle. Bokuto offered him a hand to hoist himself up, which he took.
“Thanks, Bokkun.” Atsumu bounced up and down, slightly wincing at the pain in his ankle.
“Atsumu!” Foster called from the sideline and beckoned Atsumu over, “Are you okay to keep playing?”
“Yeah, Coach. I can stay on the court.” Atsumu bounced again before jumping in place, “See? I’m all good.”
“Alright, but you’ll have to see the trainer after the match.”
Atsumu nodded in confirmation and jogged back to his position on the court. He shot a smile to the stands with two thumbs up.
“Atsu, are you good?”
”Yep! Let’s keep goin’. Can’t let stupid Tobio-kun win.”
They won unsurprisingly, though Atsumu’s ankle was more than just a twinge now. He held onto Sakusa's shoulder as he walked to the sideline, limping more than he was before.
“Fuck!” Osamu exclaimed, slapping a hand to his ankle. Customers' heads turned toward him, scowling. “Sorry. This is a family-friendly restaurant, I swear. Just… banged my ankle on somethin’.”
Osamu pulled out his phone and checked the V.League news Twitter page, finding the source of his phantom pain.
‘MSBY Black Jackals Setter, Miya Atsumu, Injured In Game VS Schweiden Adlers?’
Osamu checked to see if his staff could handle the rush as he walked to the empty break room, dialling a number and letting the phone ring. He didn’t know if the recipient had the same number or not, just that he needed to call.
‘Hello?’
”Please don’t hang up.”
There was silence over the line before hearing a muted yelp in pain.
‘Talk.’
“‘Tsumu, I never meant it. I could never fuckin’ mean it. I love ya. I’m so sorry.” Osamu started wheezing as the tears flowed, throat becoming raw. “I don’t wanna live without ya. I don’t wish ya weren’t ever born. I love ya.”
‘Why now after seven years, Osamu?’
“I can’t do it any longer. I can’t pretend like I don’t fuckin’ care because I do care.”
‘Ya didn’t care for how long, what’s even longer?’
”Please don’t hang up, Atsumu. I understand why you were upset at me for not telling you. If I could go back, I’d change everythin’.”
’Ya can’t go back though, Osamu. We’ve changed and we’re livin’ our separate lives.’
“‘Tsumu… please.” Osamu grovelled over the phone, hoping his desperation was heard over the line.
‘Fuck, I dunno what ya want from me Osamu. I’ve built a life without ya and I know ya’ve done the same.’
Osamu sobbed. Hearing the words made everything much more real to him - they were travelling down different paths and they’d never converge. “Atsumu, I need you in my life. I can’t do this anymore, ‘Tsumu.”
‘Well,’ Osamu heard shuffling in the background, ‘Ya should’ve thought of that before tellin’ me that ya wish I wasn’t born.’
Osamu heaved, “I said I regret it. I regret it all, ‘Tsumu.”
‘Yer seven years too late for that, Osamu. Ya had a different response when I asked ya back then… What was yer answer? Can ya remind me?’
”Atsumu…”
‘Oh yeah, ya said ‘Yeah, I fuckin’ do. I hate ya.’ What other way am I supposed to take that shit, Osamu? Ya can’t just say that ya didn’t mean it. Stand on yer business, man.’
”But I didn’t fuckin’ mean it. Even back then I never meant it.”
‘Then why’d ya say it?’
Osamu gripped his hair, “I dunno, ‘Tsumu. Heat of the moment.”
Osamu heard a laugh over the line, ‘Heat of the moment, huh? That’s fuckin’ rich, Osamu. Ya know that’s a shitty thing to say, even if ya don’t mean it.’
“I know. I knew it back then, I know it now.”
’Then I’ll ask ya again, why’d ya say it?’
“Fuck, Atsumu. I don’t fucking know. I was mad at you for havin’ no consideration for me and how I felt.”
‘I was tryin’ to understand, ya know. Well, I guess ya didn’t know. We wouldn’t be in this position if ya did know that.’
“I’m so fucking sorry, Atsumu.”
‘What’s done is done, Osamu. We can’t change the past - we can focus on the present.’
“So yer gonna let me back into yer life?”
Silence fell over the line - Osamu knew the answer. He sobbed harder than he had been, feeling bile in his throat.
“Please, ‘Tsumu. Let me show ya that I do care ‘nd that I wanna be back in yer life. I’ll earn it, I swear.”
‘Osamu… For what it’s worth, I still check up on ya even though ya said that shit to me. I shouldn’t fuckin’ care about what yer doin’ ‘cause we said our goodbyes seven years ago.’
“Don’t say that, ‘Tsumu. Please.”
‘It’s fuckin’ true. We renounced our brothership when ya told me that ya hate me and that ya wish I wasn’t born.’
“Fuck, are you ever going to get over that?”
‘That’s my cue to hang up.’
Osamu panicked, “No! No, I’m sorry. I phrased that wrong.”
‘How’d ya mean it then?’
“I want to earn back what we lost. I want to make up for the time that’s passed.”
‘I don’t think there’s ever earnin’ that back, ‘Samu.’
The nickname made Osamu shiver, “Please let me try.”
’I was plannin’ on callin’ ya. Honestly, my phone was in my hand waitin’ to call.’
Osamu grew hopeful, “Really?”
’Mhm. I dunno if I was actually gonna press the button, but it was there.’
“Why?”
‘I dunno, honestly. I felt like I needed to.’
Osamu didn’t know what to say, so the line remained silent until Atsumu spoke.
’I dunno if I can just let ya back in my life that easily, ‘Samu. I’m-‘ Osamu heard sniffling over the line, ‘I’m sorry.’
“If it hurts you even half as bad as it hurts me, I’m sorry. I feel so fuckin’ guilty.”
‘Yeah, I’m not gonna tell ya that ya shouldn’t because ya should, but it does fuckin’ hurt all the time. I can’t even look at damn onigiri without cryin’ ‘cause of ya.’
“I’m sorry.”
‘Ya’ve said that ‘bout a hundred times already, yet I’ve seen no actions to back that.’
“Can I visit?”
‘That was the offer, proud of ya for understandin’ that.’
Osamu breathed a sigh of relief, tears still streaming down his face, “Thank you, ‘Tsumu. Thank you so much.”
‘Fuckin’ hang up the phone already, ‘Samu. I’ll message ya the address.’
Osamu pressed the red button on his phone and walked to the front of Onigiri Miya, discarding his apron and leaving the store to one of his trusted employees. He got into his car, wiped the tears from his eyes, and drove all the way to Osaka.
He finally arrived at a large complex and knocked on the door, one of Atsumu’s teammates opening it.
“Atsumu! Your… brother? Twin? Is here!”
…Did Atsumu’s teammates not know of his existence?
Atsumu hobbled to the door with a large ice pack wrapped around his ankle, holding the door open when Inunaki walked away.
“So, are ya gonna stand there like a dumbass or come in?”
The seemingly unbreakable ice between them shattered; it was a truce - a testament to the enduring bond of brotherhood that seven years of silence could never sever. They’d travelled different paths, but it led them back to the same road: together.