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“I’m sorry, can you repeat that?” Taerae raises an eyebrow and stares at Gyuvin.
Gyuvin is currently sitting in his Taerae’s room, head in hand, groaning out of embarrassment and shame at what he just admitted to his brother.
“I think…I think I may be homophobic.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? You are not homophobic.”
“No, but hyung-”
“Gyuvin, I am gay. I literally have boyfriend. Have you ever been disgusted by me?” Taerae says and Gyuvin doesn’t have to think twice before saying, “No.”
“You were literally the person who convinced Hao hyung and Hanbin hyung to confess to each other and get together after months of useless pining. Have you ever been disgusted by them?”
Gyuvin knows Taerae already knows the answer, so he doesn’t say anything and instead just resorts to shaking his head.
Taerae continues, “Then where is this coming from?”
Gyuvin thinks back to the past few weeks.
He lives an apartment near their university with Ricky. At the end of last year, he wanted to move out of his dorm room to get some privacy, and luckily, Hao said he had a friend who was looking for an apartment as well.
Him and Ricky got along well. They both danced and were planning to join the college’s dance club. They had a similar taste in music and liked to spend hours binge watching cringy dramas together. Ricky was a fine arts major, but since he minored in business, he would stay up overnight to help Gyuvin out before his exams. Overall, Gyuvin thinks he got pretty lucky in finding a perfect roommate.
One of the first things Ricky told Gyuvin about himself was that he was gay, to make sure he wouldn’t be rooming with someone who wouldn’t even be comfortable with him. Of course, that wasn’t a problem with Gyuvin. They had made sure to establish some basic rules between them, like informing each other in advance if they were going to bring someone over, so that the other won’t accidently interrupt in between. Gyuvin wasn’t that interested in dating or even fooling around, so he only had girls over four or five times over the past year. But Ricky didn’t have anyone over besides his friends over at any time.
Till about two months ago, when he received a text from Ricky.
rik
hey, can you come back after a few hours
got someone over
This took Gyuvin a little by surprise, but he didn’t think too much of it, and replied back with a simple sure.
He came back about 4 hours later, around 11pm, hoping that it gave Ricky and his guy friend enough time. As soon as he came out of the elevator, he saw the door to his apartment open, and Ricky outside talking to a tall guy. Ricky’s eyes crinkled, supposedly at some joke the other dude made. As Ricky waved bye to the guy, he moved towards Ricky and gave him a kiss, which Ricky seemed to reciprocate.
As the guy started walking towards the lift, he gave no heed to Gyuvin, but Ricky could finally spot him.
“Hey, Gyub!”
“Oh, hi Ricky. How was your evening?”
“Really fun.” Ricky smirked, and Gyuvin could see a light blush on his cheeks.
“Hah, I can see.” Gyuvin could see the light hickeys on Ricky’s neck but decided against commenting on it. “Who was he, by the way?”
“That was Jeonghyeon, from my sculpting class. You would’ve surely seen him around in one of our class exhibitions.”
Gyuvin hadn’t, or atleast he doesn’t remember that he had, because he wasn’t all that interested in art, and the only reason he went to any of these exhibitions was for Ricky. Ricky was extremely talented; even Gyuvin could easily see that despite his lack of knowledge about any sort of fine art. But he didn’t want to probe the conversation further, so he nodded and told Ricky he was tired and went to his room.
.
Ricky brought Jeonghyeon over two or three more times before declaring that they were better off as friends.
“Sure, he’s good in bed or whatever, but he clearly has something unresolved with his previous partner, and I don’t want to get in the middle of that.” Ricky told Gyuvin. Gyuvin doesn’t know why, but he was glad to hear this. That Jeonghyeon guy just rubbed Gyuvin off the wrong way.
And so did any other guy that Ricky brought home. It shouldn’t be Gyuvin’s business who Ricky sleeps with or dates, but every time he saw Ricky and his fling coming out of his room, hair all out of the place and necks a red mess, or him kissing someone bye at the door, Gyuvin just felt weird.
Gyuvin was sure he wasn’t homophobic, he was sure he wasn’t disgusted by the fact that Ricky was gay, but all he knew was that he wanted to throw up whenever he saw Ricky with guys.
.
But Gyuvin doesn’t know anymore. Maybe he has developed some selective homophobia that only applies with Ricky. And Gyuvin hates himself even more for that. Whatever his brain is doing is clearly affecting his friendship with Ricky, as Gyuvin has started avoiding him nowadays due to the fear of saying someone wrong if they are hanging out together with just the two of them.
.
Gyuvin finishes his rant, and looks up at Taerae, who hasn’t said a word this entire time.
“Um. Are you sure you’re not just jealous that he is, how do I say this, um, getting some?” is the first thing that comes out of Taerae’s mouth. “Gyuvin, have you ever thought about getting out there and letting off some steam.”
“Hyung, I am not talking about my sex life with my brother.”
“You just told me about your roommate’s sex life in detail.”
“That’s different!”
“Literally how.”
“Anyways, to answer your question, no. I’m not really interested in dating around or even having something casual. I don’t think I’m jealous of his sex life, nope. That’s not it.”
Taerae looks like he wants to say something but he holds back. He hears a ping from his phone and grabs it to look at the notification. “Ah, it looks like Matthew is done with his class. I’m gonna go pick him up.”
“Oh, okay. Bye hyung, see you!”
“Bye Gyub. I’ll just say, go talk to Ricky about it. You guys are very close, I’m sure you guys can figure out whatever this weird”, he waves his hands around, “situation is.”
.
Gyuvin is not talking to Ricky. Nope. Absolutely not. Especially not about this.
He instead plans on avoiding Ricky as much as he can until he can get over this weird feeling. Maybe after that he’ll tell him and they can hopefully have a good laugh about this.
.
All his plans go into the drain as soon as he unlocks his apartment door and enters.
Because right in front of his eyes, on the couch, he sees Ricky making out with guy who seems about Ricky’s height but has a much bigger build, which allows him to put his arms comfortably around Ricky’s waist, engulfing him completely.
Gyuvin doesn’t get time to take in what is happening in front of him, because Ricky’s eyes go wide as soon as he notices Gyuvin standing at the door and he gently pushes the guy off him. “Gyuvin!”
Luckily, the two still have their clothes on for the most part.
Gyuvin finally sees the dude’s face, and he recognises him as Park Gunwook, from his and Ricky’s shared economics class. Huh, he didn’t know Ricky and Gunwook were this close.
“I am so sorry. I didn’t text you because I just assumed you would be staying over at your brother’s place tonight.”
Gyuvin shifts his eyes to Gunwook, who seems to be getting up and flattening out his shirt, “I think I should get going.”
“Wait, Gunwook! You can stay.”
Gunwook looks between the two before pondering for a second, “Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll text you, okay?”
Ricky nods and Gunwook is already on the way out. “Bye Gyuvin!” and he closes the door behind him.
“This is so embarrassing, oh my god. I am so sorry you had to see that-”
“Till when are you gonna keep this up?”
“Huh?”
“Do you even realise how uncomfortable I get seeing you bring guys home every other day?”
Fuck. Gyuvin doesn’t know what he wanted to say, but it was definitely not these words.
“What do you mean?” Ricky’s tone is mingled with shock and anger, but all Gyuvin hears is disappointment.
“No wait Ricky. I- I didn’t mean that.”
“Then what did you mean?”
Silence.
“Wow. I can’t believe it. We’ve been living together for a year and you couldn’t have mentioned that you weren’t comfortable with me being gay?” Spite. Pure spite in his tone.
“No Ricky. You’ve got it all wrong. I swear that’s not what I mean.”
“Then what? You’re just an asshole? Why do you care about me bringing guys over so much? When I never once complained when you used to have girls over?”
More silence.
“You know what Gyuvin? Leave it. I can’t deal with you right now. Talk to me when you can actually figure out your own thoughts. I’m gonna stay at a friend’s place tonight.”
Ricky starts moving towards his room to get his stuff, but Gyuvin calls out to him in desperation, “Wait, Ricky!”
“What?”
“Are you- are you going to Gunwook’s place?”
That is the worst thing Gyuvin could have said at the moment.
Ricky looks straight into his eyes, and the gaze which is usually adorned with warmth and endearment is one of indifference. Gyuvin holds his breath.
“That is none of your business.”
.
“Hyung, I think I really fucked up this time.”
Gyuvin only goes to Jiwoong with his problems when he really can’t see any way out, because he knows how busy Jiwoong is with his job, and Gyuvin doesn’t want to bother him too much. But Gyuvin really really doesn’t know what to do this time.
Jiwoong, as calm as always, seats Gyuvin down on his couch and gets him some ice cream, a glass of water and a box of tissues before asking him what’s wrong. Taerae is sitting beside him, looking vaguely uninterested.
Gyuvin, through his hiccups, manages to reiterate the story he told Taerae literally a day ago, adding what happened at night with Ricky.
Gyuvin had barely been able to sleep all night, rolling around in bed and crying in intervals. Even after what happened, after potentially ruining everything about his friendship with Ricky, there was only one thing he could think about. Did Ricky actually go to Gunwook’s place? If he did, what would they be doing at that very moment? Did they continue what they were doing, only this time on Gunwook’s couch? Or maybe, they moved to his bedroom instead. Ricky would be lying down on the bed, Gunwook right on top, kissing him deeply before parting for a second, both of them panting, and Ricky’s face red. Gunwook would probably move down to plant soft kisses on Ricky’s neck which would make Ricky giggle because Gyuvin knows how ticklish he is. Gunwook’s hand would shift from Ricky’s neck to his small waist where his shirt would be lifted a little, before taking it off and throwing it somewhere on the floor. He would then- no. No, Gyuvin couldn’t be thinking of this. He shouldn’t have been thinking of this because it shouldn’t matter to him what Ricky does and with whom. But he couldn’t help it; he got the same gut wrenching feeling he did every time he saw, or even imagined Ricky with a guy. And he absolutely despises himself for it.
Gyuvin doesn’t realise that he is rumbling till Jiwoong is practically shaking his shoulders, asking him to calm down. Gyuvin starts crying once again, and throws himself at Jiwoong and Taerae, getting engulfed into a tight hug.
“Hyung, what do I do now? How can I fix this? Can I even fix this? Oh my god, Ricky probably hates me now doesn’t he-”
“Gyub, Gyub, it’s okay”, Jiwoong pats his head, “I am sure Ricky doesn’t hate you, he just needs to know why you have been acting this way.”
“I don’t know! I must be homophobic, that could be the only reason, isn’t it?”
“For the last time Gyuvin, you are not homophobic!” Taerae screams, and Gyuvin flinches at his words.
“Taerae, relax.” Jiwoong looks at him sternly before turning to Gyuvin with an uncomprehensible look on his face. “Gyuvin, let’s go through this slowly. Do you hate Ricky?”
“No!” the reply comes out of his mouth before his brain can even process it.
“When Ricky came out to you, did you feel disgusted?”
“No.”
“But you feel sick every time you see him bring over a guy?”
Gyuvin doesn’t say anything, but the guilty look on his face answers the question.
“Gyuvin, are you sure you’re not jealous?”
“Hyung, I already went over this with Taerae hyung. No, I’m not jealous that Ricky has an active sex life while I don’t. I don’t really care for that stuff.
“No Gyub, jealous as in jealous of those other guys.”
“Huh? What does that mean?”
“Good lord, you oblivious walnut!” Taerae unhelpfully chimes in. “Do we really have to spell it out for you? Are you jealous that Ricky is going out with those guys instead of you? Would you rather he would do everything he does with them, with you?”
“What are you saying? Of course not, he’s my best friend, not my boyfriend.”
“Yeah, but would you rather that he was?”
“I- no. Why would I want that? I’m straight.”
“Gyuvin”, Jiwoong starts, rubbing his hand on Gyuvin’s back, “Of course, you know yourself best, but who you are and who you like doesn’t have to be rigid. There’s no rules and laws to your sexuality or a set age by which you have to decide if you like guys or girls.”
“But I don’t like Ricky. Not like that. No, I- I don’t- I’m not gay. I can’t just suddenly become gay.”
“Oh god, this is getting nowhere. Let’s do this. Gyuvin, imagine Ricky with one of the guys you’ve seen him with. What was his name again? Gunwook? Let’s go with him.” Gyuvin doesn’t get why Jiwoong wants him to drown in his misery even more, but he agrees and shuts his eyes anyways. Jiwoong continues, “Okay, imagine that they’re at a movie theatre. They’re sitting in the very last row and sharing a tub of popcorn. The movie is fine, it’s whatever, and halfway throughout it, both of them have lost interest. Until Gunwook looks at Ricky and smiles at him lovingly, and Ricky moves to his side to peck Gunwook’s lips. When he parts, he sees Gunwook blushing and smiling at him like a fool.”
No. Absolutely not.
His distaste for the situation is clearly visible on his face, because Jiwoong says, “Cool, no need to ask you what you think about this. Okay, now close your eyes again.” Gyuvin opens his mouth to protest and ask him what he thinks Gyuvin will achieve by doing this, but Taerae stops him, and cues Jiwoong to continue.
“Now, imagine the same thing all over again, but instead of Gunwook, it’s you who is on the date with Ricky.”
Jiwoong’s methods are weird, but Gyuvin tries to picture it anyways.
Gyuvin and Ricky very often watch movies together, usually at their own place, but occasionally at the theatre as well. They would also usually choose the side most seats in the last row so that they could talk throughout the movie without bothering other people. He loves hearing Ricky rant about whatever he liked and disliked in the movie they were watching. Sometimes he would go on another tangent completely unrelated to the movie, but Gyuvin didn’t mind because no movie could be as enjoyable as hearing Ricky talk about how he was finally be able to buy his favourite strawberry cake from the café near their college since it was in season.
But, whatever. Gyuvin focus. They’ll be at the theatre, the movie will be boring, and suddenly, Gyuvin will feel a pair of lips on his that belong to Ricky, leaving Gyuvin blushing. Ricky’s lips always look so soft and pink, which makes Gyuvin believe that they would be nice to kiss. Would Gyuvin mind kissing Ricky? Well, he supposes not. It seems like he would be a good kisser, and Gyuvin would probably pull Ricky back in for more than just a peck, sliding his hands behind his neck and into Ricky’s soft hair and-
Oh my god. He likes Ricky.
If there is anything to tell from Jiwoong’s knowing smile and Taerae’s “Finally!”, it’s that he might have said these words out loud.
“What do you mean finally?”
“Gyuvin, you’re like, a dumbass.” Taerae unhelpfully adds.
“Thanks?”
“All of us can see how you are with Ricky. It’s really not that surprising that you like him. The only thing that’s surprising is how long it took for you to realise it. We all were betting on when you would finally get your act together. And I lost 20 dollars. So thanks.”
Gyuvin has way too much to think about to even care at all about his friends betting on him and Ricky. And now he is back to stage one.
“Hyung, what do I do now?”
“I think all that’s left is for you to talk to Ricky.”
“But he-”
“Kim Gyuvin, I swear if I hear you say that Ricky hates you one more time. He does not. No one will suddenly start hating their best friend after one fight. Especially not Ricky. God knows how endeared he is with you. It’s disgusting how you guys are with each other. It’s sometimes worse than Hanbin and Hao.”
Now that’s saying something. As cute as his two hyungs are, Gyuvin sometimes can’t handle their PDA. If him and Ricky are anything like that, he hopes he has a slight chance with Ricky.
But he can’t be thinking about that right now. Dating is a whole other level, Gyuvin doesn’t know if Ricky will even talk to him right now. But he has to try. If nothing else, he just wants his best friend back. He just wants his Ricky back.
.
Gyuvin doesn’t actually expect Ricky to be home when he comes back. He had left yesterday night, extremely angry, with the intention of staying at a friend’s for a few days. So, when he reaches back and sees Ricky laying down on the couch scrolling through his phone, he practically freezes.
Shit. He thought he had more time to prepare his apology/coming out/confession speech.
Before he can think of turning his feet and go back crying to Jiwoong, Ricky looks up and catches his eyes.
Ricky’s eyes mirror his restlessness, distorted with a look of worry. “Gyuvin, oh my god, where were you? It is so late. I was so worried- I- Gyuvin, why are you crying?”
Gyuvin doesn’t even realise he has tears coming from his eyes till Ricky points it out, and he feels the wetness running along his face down his neck. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t know you’d be back this soon. I’ll come back later.”
He unsuccessfully tries to move his feet, but before he can leave, he feels Ricky hold his wrist and pull him in and onto the couch. He doesn’t complain.
Ricky doesn’t say a word and simply holds Gyuvin till he relaxes in his arms and his breathing stabilises a little. He is ever so careful with his touches so as to not overwhelm Gyuvin. A light graze over his arms. Softly petting his hair and running his hands up and down Gyuvin’s back.
Gyuvin loves him so much.
Gyuvin only releases himself out of Ricky’s embrace after he is sure that he can actually talk to him.
“Gyuvin…”
“I’m gay.”
Gyuvin feels the one hand Ricky has on his waist stiffen. He doesn’t know why he is so afraid of Ricky’s reaction; he would obviously be supportive of him. But he is literally Gyuvin’s gay awakening, his crush, and only the third person he has come out to after his brothers.
“Oh.” There is something flashing across Ricky’s eyes, but Gyuvin can’t read it at all.
“Well, technically, I’m bisexual, but well, you know, yeah.”
“Oh, Gyuvin.” Ricky hugs Gyuvin again, but only for a brief second before looking him with the most endearing smile and tearful eyes and Gyuvin doesn’t know anything else other than the fact that he really wants to kiss Ricky right now.
So, he does.
Only for a second though, before fear comes rushing up his whole body like flames that are spreading like wildfire, and he has to physically separate himself from Ricky so as to protect him from burning.
“Fuck, Rik, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that, I don’t know what came over me. I-”
“Did you want it?”
“What?”
“Did you want to kiss me?”
Gyuvin has realised that nothing good can come out of lying to Ricky, or running away from him again, so he doesn’t take a second to respond, “Yes.”
Soft.
Ricky’s lips are extremely soft and he kisses Gyuvin just as hard. Gyuvin is still in shock but he wants this, and he wants Ricky to know that he wants this, so he reciprocates the kiss almost immediately. Gyuvin feels Ricky slide his hands up in his hair, slightly tugging at them, and it all feels so overwhelming and good and so right.
“I like you.” are not the words Gyuvin was expecting out of Ricky mouth as both of them are panting, looking for air right after Ricky kissed him breathless.
But he is not missing his chance. “I like you too. Like a lot.”
Ricky chuckles. “Yeah, I think I figured that out.”
Gyuvin is flustered, and Ricky can see the redness on his face as well, but he continues, “I had a slight suspicion after, uhm, the recent events, but you’ve always seemed so painfully straight that I didn’t want to get my hopes up. If I knew that getting you jealous would get you to come to terms with your feelings, I would’ve done it months ago.”
Gyuvin is still blushing, but he playfully hits Ricky on his arm before- “Months ago? You’ve liked me for months now?”
It’s Ricky’s turn to blush now. He doesn’t look straight into Gyuvin’s eyes and starts pouting and Gyuvin finds him extremely cute so he kisses him again. Ricky still pretends to ignore him before Gyuvin looks at him and grins and Ricky pulls him in for another kiss.
It turns out that Gyuvin doesn’t have any problem with Ricky kissing guys as long as it’s Gyuvin he’s kissing.