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“How about this one?”
Buck turned around to see Tommy holding a bright blue cane. He was hunched over, a hand on his back, as he shuffled himself forward using the cane for support.
Buck rolled his eyes. “Oh my God!” he exclaimed. “You're not an old man, Tommy.”
“That's not what that kid said the other day.”
“'That kid' is our kid, Tom.”
“Well, when he's calling me an old man he's that kid. What four year old calls his dad an old man? Where'd he even learn that from?”
“I don't know, maybe from the father that called the man in the restaurant the same thing not even two weeks ago, in front of said child?” Buck stared at Tommy pointedly.
“Okay, but that was an actual old man and he kept being rude to the waitress.”
“Doesn't mean you had to turn to RJ and tell him that he was a grumpy old fart man that deserved laser beams fired at his toupee.”
“You're gonna remember that forever, aren't you?”
Buck sighed. “Can I get back to finding RJ's favorite toothpaste now? Is the crisis over?”
“No, it's not over, Evan. It's not over because I'm forty-six and I have a son who thinks I'm eighty!”
“If it makes you feel any better, he- he thought I was half golden retriever last week.”
“How would that make me feel better? You are half golden retriever.”
Buck picked up a tube of toothpaste that was nearest him. “I will throw this at you.”
“And risk injuring the elderly?”
Buck tossed it toward him, hitting his chest before it fell to the ground. Tommy just looked down at it. “You know I'll never be able to reach down that far to pick it up. Not with my sciatica.”
“Tommy, I swear to God.”
“Okay, okay,” Tommy surrendered, reaching down to pick up the tube. “I still think the comment was undeserved.”
“You grunted as you got up out of your recliner to go get your reading glasses, Tommy. Think about it.”
A beat of silence, then, “Oh my God. Oh my God, Evan, I'm old!”
Buck's head fell forward, eyes closing as he tried to calm himself. “This is how I die, isn't it? I- I've survived the unsurvivable, but this is what's gonna take me out.”
“I like to sit out on the front porch every evening and watch cars go by.”
“They'll put it on my tombstone, 'Lightning couldn't get him, but his husband did.'”
“The last time I bought socks, I got the ones that go higher on the calf. They're just more comfortable, Evan!”
“Maybe if I tug hard enough, this whole shelf will topple on me and I'll get a week's coma out of it.”
“The other day at work, I used the word 'ruckus' in a sentence! Ruckus!”
“Tommy!”
“Evan!”
Buck sighed, rubbing his forehead. “I need you to calm down, please. Do the breathing thing we taught RJ, or I will leave you on this aisle, so help me.”
Tommy closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath through his nose, breathing out through his mouth. “Smell the rose, blow out the candle.” That's what they'd taught RJ after a set of particularly embarrassing, public temper tantrums that started not long after he turned three. “Fine,” Tommy said after a couple breaths, “I'm fine.”
“Praise be.” Buck started to turn and resume his search for the “bubblegum toofpaste but not da white one” when Tommy stopped him again.
“Hey.” He used the cane as an extension of his hand, lifting it to Buck's waist to pull him closer. Buck groaned, but moved toward him. “Will you still love me when I'm actually old?”
He already knows the answer. Of course he knows. They still ask the question all the time, “Will you still love me when...?” simply because it's nice to hear the answer.
“I think that was the whole point of this,” Buck said, raising his hand to show Tommy the ring on his finger. “Did you forget your vows, old man? Sickness and health. The whole death thing? I'm here for the long haul.”
“Promise?”
Buck gave the three finger salute. “Scouts honor,” he said, then added, “plus I heard divorces are expensive.”
“Aye!” Tommy yelped, using the cane to swat at Buck's ass as he turned back to the toothpaste.
Buck squatted down to search the bottom row of the aisle as Tommy put the cane back. “Oh, here you go,” he said once Tommy had returned, tossing him a box that he actually caught this time.
Polident.
Buck smiled brightly at him. “For your dentures.”