Chapter Text
The twitching motion of my body woke me up. I couldn't breathe, something was stuck in my throat. I tried to reach my throat with my hand but I hit something hard. I moved both my hands around the shape of the surface and I realized I was stuck. I was in a small dark place and I couldn't breathe. I felt the fear surge through me as I pushed my hands against the wooden surface. It didn't budge. How long could I stay there without being able to breathe? A few minutes?
I turned my head to the side and tried to cough up whatever was blocking my windpipe, but there wasn't enough space to move. It felt like a small box was encompassing my body and I could move. Couldn't breathe. How in the Hells did I end up there? Was there anyone coming to save me? I thought of Astarion and my hand instinctively punched through the wood. I felt the dirt come inside the already small area I was in.
Was I... dead? Buried? Did they bury me alive? I tried to scream for help, but my throat was still filled with something. I pulled with both my hands at the splintered wood and more dirt came in.
It felt like I was stuck in a panic attack and there was nothing else to be done. But my body somehow knew what to do, even if my mind couldn't seem to catch up with it. I dug. I felt the dirt cling to my fingernails as I raked through it. And then I felt it in my body. A strange sensation. I needed to do something. To dig, to get out.
The only other time I felt something similar to this was back on the nautiloid. I didn't remember anything back then either. But I knew I had to do something. Now I remembered things, however. But none of them made sense. None of them could help me get out of this dirt prison.
Which way was up? I found myself wondering. I dug for what seemed like forever. I was disgusted with myself, I felt dirty, I kept remembering I couldn't breathe but somehow that didn't seem to matter as much as the fact that I needed to leave that place. Something was waiting for me. And it was growing impatient. I don't know how I knew that. But that was hardly surprising. I always knew things that made no sense and I just chose to trust my instinct again as I did many times before.
My hand finally breached through the dirt and I felt cold air. I was so close to salvation. I swam through the ground and I could finally feel the end was close. I realized now how much truth was behind those words. My mind must have known somehow, like it usually knew things, even before I fully realized them.
I pulled my head through the dirt and felt the cold air on my face. I tried to breathe the air, but the thing was still in my throat. I somehow managed to be on all fours and tried to get the thing out of my throat. I started retching. I made the mistake of looking at it. It was blood. And bits and gore and dirt. I felt sicker by the sight more so than the act of retching itself.
My eyes looked around as they were filled with mist and I could barely make out the shape of someone. Someone with white hair looming over me. I felt relief, I knew who that was. Astarion.
I tried to hide my violent act of removing bits from inside myself from him but I heard him chuckle. How was this funny to him? I had just clawed my way through endless amounts of dirt, I couldn't breathe and I was recking awful things from my body. Why was he just standing there and not helping me?
I took that first breath of cold night air. It hurt my raw throat. But that wasn't the worst thing. I pieced enough pieces together to realize what was happening.
"My beloved spawn. Come to me."
My body moved. Without me. And I was trapped inside it somehow. Clawing at the walls of my own person just like I had done with the wood of the coffin I woke up in.
I was standing before him. He was smiling at me. My Astarion. But where love would have been, I felt something completely abnormal as I breathed in the scent of him. I felt my upper lip being pulled up by the teeth. I reached with my hand and felt the longer fangs. The pieces feel together. I looked up at him as I realized what I was.
He smiled. Not the safe Astarion smile that made everything in the world make sense and made me feel safe. The Ascended Astarion smile that made my skin crawl. I had said yes to be with him forever. I remembered my doubts. My concerns. How I did this for him, to be close to him still and keep an eye on him as he made me aware of all his plans to dominate the world.
I felt his fingers on the sides of my face. They were warm. They had been warm since he ascended and I could never quite get used to him not being cold anymore. I selfishly missed the cold. I took another breathe to steady myself inside my frozen body that moved of its own volition. I smelled him again and the pit in my stomach was all I could feel. All I could think. It hurt unlike anything else and I needed to quench it somehow. My fangs pulled under my lip even harder as I realized they wanted to reach for him. I wanted to bite into him, I needed his life essence, but my body was not my own.
"Yes. I remember the hunger." He said as he looked at me. "I have something for you, my pet."
He let go of my face and I felt the absence of his hands like a shock on my body. I wanted him to touch me, but the feeling was battling what he called the hunger and the hunger was winning.
I heard the beast before I saw it. He handed it to me and it all happened so fast that I struggled to put it into words. In an instant I was on my knees, my hands gripping the animal tightly, I heard the snap of its bones as I felt its fur stuck between my teeth. Then the warmth of its blood. It was soothing. It felt like the best drink I had ever had. I was a dry desert and this was the only water source. But then it was dry. And I was still thirsty. I looked up at Astarion from my knees.
He was still smiling that awful smile of his.
"You will learn to pace yourself. That is enough for now."
But it wasn't. I was hungry, I was thirsty and I needed more. Disgust washed over me as I finally smelled the beast on the ground. It was like rotten food compared to how he smelled. Oh, how I wanted to sink my teeth into him. Just a little. Just to know if he tasted as good as how he smelled.
"Come. Let's go home."
As he said those words I felt their strings pull me up as I started walking. Without my control. I felt the walls of my body push against me as it did as he asked. Did he need to do that? It felt awful. I wasn't ready to walk. I was tired. Hungry. Angry.
He looked at me and I could see that he looked amused. As if my pain was amusing to him. I pondered something. Could he read my thoughts? Like he did when we were tadpoled? It had been a few weeks since then and we tried to navigate our lives as ascendant and elf. I remembered how he pushed me to turn. Promised me that we would be equals.
I looked at him and by the way my body moved, I knew we weren't equals. And I could tell that he liked that by the way he loomed over me. I learned to recognize the signs of it even in my previous form.
"Why am I a spawn?" I asked.
He sniggered. "You agreed to this, pet. Don't tell me you already forgot your old life."
That's not what I meant. And he was twisting my words. "I agreed to be your partner, not your spawn."
"Ah...but see, I never promised that. I only promised you the gift of eternity. Let's get you used to your new powers for now, hm?"
"But that's not what you said." I pushed and I could see the smile on his face drop. I was displeasing him. And a part of me wanted to push him and a part of me never wanted to make him feel like that. I wondered if that was truly me or if it had anything to do with being his spawn. Could I even say no to him now?
"I don't want you to ask about this anymore. For now, at least." He said as he smiled back at me and I felt whatever power he had over me and I knew I could no longer ask about it.
I wondered why he was doing this. My mind searched for an explanation and the fuzzy memory of Astarion from long ago told me that the biggest threat to a vampire was another vampire. Did he not trust me? After all we had been through?
I must have been overthinking because the next thing I knew, we were in Cazador's house, which became Astarion's house and in his bedroom. Our bedroom. I wondered if I was to keep sleeping there since I became his spawn and he was in his power-hungry phase. Would I get my own bedroom? Or was I demoted too far below, that he would finally keep to his threats and send me to the kennels?
"Get in the tub." I heard him say.
I looked behind me and I could see the tub filling with warm water. I just stared at him. I didn't feel his puppet strings on me, and I realized I wanted to oppose him. Even if I wanted to get all the dirt and grime off of me. Would he make me?
He smiled at me, a mixture of the smile I remember loving and the one I kept seeing on his face since he ascended. "First, you're going to be wonderfully obedient. I don't want to hear any of the things that are going through your mind right now."
As he said those words I felt their weight on my body. I couldn't resist it. It pushed me further inside myself and I only had barely a small space to fight to keep myself from being consumed entirely by his command.
"I will be a good Master to you if you let me. And if not, well..." I watched as the ascendant smile filled his face. I hated how much he enjoyed it. So why was there a fleeting moment when I enjoyed it myself?
I moved towards the tub and I watched him watch me as I started to take off my clothes. It felt so wrong and so right. I was at war with him inside myself and outside in the world and he was winning on both accounts. I wondered if I ever imagined it would be like that? Did I consider all the implications? Why did I trust him?
I wondered if my goddess could see me now as I stepped into the tub and watched it cloud the water with all the evidence of my new life.
He moved behind me and I felt his hands on my shoulders. "My dark consort. My right hand. My most beloved spawn."
I thought those three things shouldn't belong in the same sentence. Could I be all those things for him? Did I still want to? I thought I did, but now that I was there, I wasn't so sure anymore.
"We will be together for eternity, ruling this world side by side. We will have it all."
I couldn't help but notice how his words and his actions were not even in the same realm. I wanted to say that, but the words wouldn't come out as I felt his puppet strings keeping me from speaking my mind.
I felt as he dripped water onto my hair and moved to grab the soap close by. My hunger and my thoughts were temporarily dismissed as I felt his fingers in my hair. Gentle, as they were before. Warm and distracting. I felt the pressure between my legs, and I pulled my knees close to me as I wrapped my arms around them.
"You are so beautiful... And now you will be beautiful forever."
I blinked as I heard the words and I found myself standing before him in the bedroom. I didn't remember how I got there.
"Things will be a touch different for you than they were for me when I was a spawn."
I thought of the irony of his words and how similar our experiences had been so far. But of course, I couldn't say any of this to him as he had me tongue-tied. I wondered if phrasing my thoughts in a different manner would let me speak.
"Do I need to fear the sun?" I managed to ask.
"You need not fear anything." He said as his hand reached for my cheek and the warm gentle gesture warmed my undead heart. "You are stronger, swifter, faster, but no different. You were already perfect. It's hard to improve."
I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of what I imagined was his love for me, and felt him close the distance between us as both his hands caressed my face.
"We make a fine team, don't we darling?"
I opened my eyes and saw the ascendant grin back at me. I wasn't sure exactly what made me dislike that smile. It just made me feel uneasy.
His smile dropped again and the fear of displeasing him came over me in waves. "My treasure, whatever is going on in that pretty head of yours to make those faces at me?"
I felt my eyebrows raise in response. I hadn't realized that even though I couldn't say the words, my face would still betray them. Did I manage to find a loophole for his tactics? I stared at him in defiance. He raised an eyebrow. Somehow it felt like old times when I would stand up against him and he would be annoyed, but he ended up agreeing with me. Could we ever go back to those days?
His lips on mine were enough to distract me from my thoughts. Unfortunately, his scent was so close that it made the hunger in my stomach come to the front of my mind. I was hyperaware of my fangs so close to his lips. Could I bite him? How would he taste like? Would he want me to? Would that displease him?
I didn't fully realize it until I felt the bliss that coated my tongue and I sucked on his bottom lip to try and get as much as possible before he would stop me. He chuckled as he pulled me away from him and I felt his hand on my throat. I remembered I didn't need to breathe, but the sensation was uncomfortable, yet somehow, I was proud of what I just did.
"Bad girl." He said the words slowly as he used the thumb of his free hand to move the blood back into his mouth. The motion of his fingers made me open my mouth and stick my tongue out as if I could taste it from a distance. But the words... the words did something to me. He had only ever called me a 'good girl' before and that statement awoke something in me as well.
His grin widened as I could make out the blood between his teeth. It was multiple hungers that fought for my attention. My hunger for blood, my hunger for him and my need for preserving my dignity after I just lay on the ground and devoured a beast.
"Now is the time you should be begging for my forgiveness, little love."
He wore his ascendant smile as he said that, so most of my enthusiasm died down as I gritted my jaw tightly to keep myself from saying anything bad to him. In the span of a few tendays some of his most interesting behaviors amplified. His need for control, his need to feel superior, as well as his taste for humiliation. Which one would it be today?
He raised an eyebrow at me when he saw that I wasn't about to do anything close to apologizing. He was starving me, controlling me, owning my body and mind. Did he really expect me to stand down and cower before him? Did his ascendant mind erase all that I was before?
Astarion let go of my throat and I pulled in a big swig of air as I reached for it to try and comfort it. Everything in this new form was uncomfortable. The changes, the hunger, the lack of control. How did he ever make it sound like it would be a good thing? And then it hit me. He didn't. He never did. I just assume and all of my presumptions were based on what he was like with the tadpole. But there weren't any tadpoles now. He was the Emperor in my head, only several times worse.
"On your knees darling." He said as he gestured the motion I should be making with his index finger.
I sighed internally. It was this Astarion then. The one who wanted to humiliate me. But I knew that this was my fault. I remembered the first time I did that for him. I went down on my knees before him as I took him in my mouth. How powerful I felt. How much I enjoyed having that power over him. It must have done something to him too, because the next time that happened, he was an ascendant and when I eventually got down on my knees for him, I didn't feel powerful. I felt vulnerable. Weak. Humiliated. Out of any control and he did with me whatever he wanted to. I would have stopped it too, if it didn't feel so good. He knew this was my weakness. He was my weakness. Did I make a mistake when I agreed to be a vampire for him?
"I would rather not use force on you but know I won't hesitate to do so if you disobey me further. And you have displeased me and now I need to teach you a lesson. So what will it be, darling?"
How I hated him at that moment. How I wished I was stronger. But even if I obeyed him, I knew that he would see it on my face. So I lowered myself before him on my knees. And it was my choice, so I still felt a modicum of control. He didn't control me. And I would rather do that than feel small inside myself again.
"Good girl." He said as he leaned closer to me, and I could smell the bloody breath that came from his lips. It made me open my mouth again as if I could taste it. He watched my expression and smiled. There was no way he didn't know exactly what he was doing.
He moved to the bed and sat down on the edge of it as he looked at me up and down. He tapped his knee in a gesture for me to take my seat. I remembered how he liked it when I sat down in his lap. Maybe it was the only punishment, and this was finally over.
As I was about to take my place there, he clicked his tongue in a disapproving manner and shook his index finger dramatically at me. I froze in my tracks. Of course this wasn't the only punishment. Gods, what did he have in mind now?
"On your hands and knees, little love."
What? How was I supposed to do that? He must have seen my thoughts on my face because the next thing I knew I was face down on the bed, my bare ass up high as I was placed over his knees. Fuck. I tried to struggle against it, but in another swift motion I felt the lock on my arms behind my back and my legs were held firmly by one of his.
It was humiliating, I struggled, and I heard him chuckle at my useless attempt.
"Now, do you know why you're being punished?"
For being an idiot and falling in love with you? For not agreeing with you? For being an idiot and agreeing to become a spawn even though I didn't think about what that might imply? I writhed against him again even though I knew it was a pathetic attempt.
I gasped as I felt the quick burst of pain as his hand slapped my bare ass cheek. I stopped struggling. Oh fuck, I was in deep trouble. Not because of the pain, but the lingering sensation after, when his hand rested on the same place it hit and the gentle caress made me want to moan. I realized how exposed I was in that position. Which was likely why he did it.
"Let's try this again. Do you know why you're being punished?"
I nodded as I moved my head to the side to get an angle on his face. I knew somehow he was watching me and my desire to please him took hold more than my need for decency.
"Good girl. Now speak."
As he said the last words, I felt the constraint on my body leave as my whole awareness expand back into each fold of my being. I could say anything. But I had to be careful with my words.
"I bit you." I muffled the words against the cover of the bed.
"Yes. What else?"
I tried to focus but nothing else came to mind. I was distracted by his hand on my ass moving so slowly and gently as it followed the shape of my body. "I struggled against you?" I asked, unsure what he expected me to say.
Another slap in the same spot as I groaned into the bed. There was no soft caress after it either. Why was I enjoying this? Why did my head give me more nonsense answers to say, just to test and see if he would do it again? I felt the wetness on my parted folds as the cold air caressed my body. I thought about how unfair all of this was.
I twitched as I felt his hand back on my ass. "You disobeyed me, little love. We can't have that, can we?"
Couldn't we? Wasn't that one of the main reasons he fell in love with me too? At least the old him. Was there anything left of that man?
"Did you learn your lesson?" He asked in an amused tone.
I wondered about how far he would go. Would he hurt me? Or was this just one of those times where he just needed to be the one in control? So, I decided to test the waters and I didn't say anything. He removed his hand. I was anticipating another strike, but it didn't come. I moved my head against the sheets to try and catch a glimpse of his face and try to discern what he was thinking.
I could barely see him as the twisting motion of my head moved my hair as well and it was blocking my view.
"You're being a very bad girl, Tav. Tell me what you want."
The command gripped my body, and I had no choice but to answer. Even as I tried to purse my lips to keep the words from spilling out. "I want you."
"How do you want me?"
"I want you as I did before. I want you to make me yours."
Fuck. I remembered all those times before when he would ask me and I would never answer or simply dodge it. But there it was, pulled from my lips and out in the open.
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Make me yours, Astarion." I answered again honestly, his command still gripping me. I felt his hand languidly moving over my body as I quivered under his touch. He had a finger move on the exposed inside of my thigh, moving upwards, and the feel of it made me groan against the bed and my body twitched in anticipation of where that finger was headed. I wanted him to touch me, and I hated myself for it.
His hand grazed the wet part of my sweet spot and I bit my lower lip hard enough to draw blood to keep myself from saying anything.
"Is this where you want me to touch you, darling?"
"Yes!" I moaned the word against the surface below me as I was fighting both the compulsion to answer and my own traitorous body.
"Do you know what I want, little love?" He asked as he started rubbing with one finger lazily in the same spot.
"What?" I asked in the same muffled voice as I tried to position myself so that he would touch me harder and I just struggled against his hold on me.
"I want you to obey me." He said as he continued with the motion. "But you keep trying to fight me. So, tell me, will you obey me, my dearest pet?"
"No." I answered honestly and as Astarion shifted on the bed, I could feel the growing bulge against his pants. The thought of him enjoying that made my treacherous body even more excited.
"Hmm, are you sure?” Astarion asked as he moved the same finger inside my cunt. Slowly and curled up in that way he knew I liked it, and it would make me come faster. I fought the urge to move my body on his finger.
"No." I answered pathetically as I tried to tense all the muscles I could in that position to distract myself from anything else.
Astarion chuckled as he added another finger and started moving them faster. I thought about how there was no escape. About how I perhaps didn't even want to escape. I asked myself if it would be so bad to just give in this one time, let him win this one game so I would maybe get to win another? Maybe even the war that was between us?
"Until you do, you won't get what you want either." Astarion said as he removed his fingers from inside me and removed his grip on my body. "No release for you, love. Not unless I give it to you."
The command took over once more as the frustration mixed with relief and anger. I knew I could speak, but I had no idea what to say as I got to my feet and watched his face. I realized for the first time since becoming his spawn that he held all the cards. And I didn't even have myself as he played me like a string. He motioned for me to sit on his knee and I did. He started to stroke my hair as he spoke.
"Don't worry, little love, I will break you eventually. I am not quite sure of the specifics, but I know one thing. This is going to be fun . And then we can finally show this world what monsters can do."
