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The first time I saw it was at one of the many sleepovers we have.
Everyone was sitting on the massive couch of the Swift household. Obviously, I wasn't paying attention to whatever anime was on the big screen at the moment and instead scrolling mindlessly on my phone.
“Okay guys, I think it's time you turn the TV off and get to bed!” Cassandra Swift -Taylor's mother- came into the room telling us to go to bed.
“but mommmm!! I need to watch the end of the episode!!!”
“okay finish the episode, then let's go to bed”
“okayy thanks Mom” Taylor's mom smiled at us when she left. I didn't care what time we went to bed, I'd probably be up for another few hours anyway.
Time went faster than I thought it would, I looked up above my phone and saw credits in Japanese with outro music playing and the main characters in the background in freeze frames, I knew that meant the episode was over and time for us to sleep.
The TV went dark and the only light that could be seen was the bright light shining on my face from my phone. I turn my phone off quickly and a quiet chatter erupts about going to sleep. We hop into the makeshift beds that Taylor keeps in his room for our weekly sleepovers, they are basically a second bed for us.
I end up going back into my phone but having my brightness down so I don't wake up my friends. Eventually, I heard snores from all the guys around me.
“how am I going to sleep now when they are all so fucking loud” I mumble to myself quietly. I put down my phone and stare up at the ceiling that is tinted blue from the night light Taylor can't sleep without.
I look to my side and see Lincoln sprawled out on his mattress, blanket only over half his legs and his Garfield shirt pulled up from him rolling around in his sleep. Even though the room is dim, I can still see it. I can still see the pointy paleish scar that stretched across his stomach. The scar was a few shades lighter than his dark skin and I could only imagine the matching one on his back.
I couldn't stop looking, reminding myself that it was there because of me. because I was stupid and desperate for validation from Willy. I hurt one of my friends… I hurt him.
my internal self-loathing stopped when he rolled over once more and I couldn't see the scar anymore. I also roll over and put in my headphones connected to my playlist of loud music that helps me fall asleep.
The second time I saw it was at a teen high soccer game.
I wasn't playing, instead, it was me and Taylor on the sidelines supporting our two friends on the field. Well, only one of them was playing soccer while the other was on the side in a big Teeny The Teen suit with noticeably less enthusiasm than usual. I think after the whole ordeal that happened a few months ago Normal hasn't been… himself.
Link has just gotten into the teen high varsity and his nerves can even be spotted by the people in the back row. The ball is being kicked around left and right but it isn't looking good for Teen High as they are losing pretty badly. I thought that I might go back to soccer but whenever I try… it's not the same so I ended up going back inside.
“Yo Taylor, is there anywhere to get a drink around here? It's so fucking hot” why do they decide to have the soccer game in this hot ass weather?
“You're in luck! I have everything one person would need in this weather: many drinks to choose from, pocky- strawberry, matcha and cookies and cream flavour of course! sunscreen-”
“a water will do” Soon a water bottle was in my hand and it was… almost lukewarm- great. I'll still drink it, better than nothing I guess. That's when I saw it. That's when I saw it a second time.
As I was taking a sip, I saw the ball come flying at Link, too high up for him to kick it with his foot. Everyone is on the edge of their seats waiting for what Lincoln will do.
The ball approaches and he jumps up in the air, his shirt flying up in the process showing off his lower stomach, as well as the ends of a scar that can just be seen.
I don't think anyone else noticed it but me.
I didn't notice the great defence Lincoln had just pulled off with a crowd-shocking chest bump until everyone watching cheered. Taylor screamed so loudly in my ear but I could still hear the thoughts plaguing my mind.
Why doesn't he hate me?
Why hasn't he said anything about what happened?
Why did he forgive me?
Why does he still talk to me?
“ARE YOU SEEING THIS SCARY?!? LOOK AT LINK GO!” Taylor snapped me out of my thoughts.
“I'll be back” my voice was merely above a whisper as I got out of my seat and shuffled to the stairs. I feel eyes staring at the back of my head and I glance back briefly over my shoulder just to see the sad and confused eyes of Lincoln, who was just looking back at me as I was leaving. I turn back around and rush up the stairs.
The third time I saw it was at a pool party my dad decided to host.
I walked out to the backyard with my black swimsuit on and a towel in hand. Taylor is already in the pool, Normal has his legs in and link has yet to change into his swimwear.
The smell of food hits my nose and I look over to the barbecue where I see my dad and grant grilling sausages and carrots. then my head turns to see the seating area where the rest of our parents sit.
“scary would you come here please” i look back over to the barbecue as i see terry calling me over so i start walking over.
“yeah?”
“Do you think this is enough food for your friends?” he turns to face me and continues “i worry it won't be enough” then i saw it, the ‘kiss the cook’ apron that terry is wearing.
“oh my god dad! what the fuck” god i just want to crawl up into a ball and die of embarrassment.
“what!? did i say something-”
“no- just- oh my god okay bye” i start walking away, not wanting to see that stupid apron ever again.
“Is this enough or not!? scary??” i dont have the strength to turn back and give him a proper answer so instead I sit next to Normal and dip my legs into the pool.
“Hey norm” I turn to him and see the bright blue swim shirt he has on. I can already envision the conversation Grant will have with Sparrow about the dangers of wearing blue or green swimwear while swimming.
“oh, hey scary!” He looks back at me and smiles slightly. I am a bit worried for him, I recognise that distant look in his eyes.
“Hey Link!! lets see who can do the biggest splash”
“you're on taylor!” The two run to the deep end of the pool, but Grant's and Marco's warning to not run falls on deaf ears as they reach the deep end and jump in.
That's when I saw it again.
Lincoln floats up back to the top of the water, now in his swimwear I can see the full extent of the scar on his torso. Why do I feel like I need to puke? I need to leave right now.
“i have to go”
I walk into my house and into the many halls, not really thinking of where my legs will take me. I find myself in the bathroom, my reflection in the mirror looks like I have food poisoning.
I hop into the bathtub hoping that nobody finds me until this gathering is over and tears start streaming down my cheeks, why is this affecting me so much? Why do I feel so bad?
“Scary? Scary??”
shit… Someone's looking for me.
“Scary, where did you go?” lincoln's voice is easily recognisable as he calls out to me. great that's the last person i want to find me. lincoln walks into the bathroom which i am in “scary are you in here?” I pray that he doesn't check the bathtub.
“Scary, why are you in the bathtub? Are you okay?”
i sniffle “go away”
“What's wrong?”
“go away”
“not until you tell me whats wrong” i don't answer, the silence fills the air and i look up finally to see Lincoln, still wet from the pool looking down at me with so much worry in his eyes. I look back down, not being able to face him.
He does something I didn't expect and sits next to me in the bathtub. “What's wrong?” I feel my walls breaking down and silent tears roll down my cheeks.
“why don't you hate me?” I whisper.
“Why would I hate you?”
“i… hurt you”
“scary, when did you-” my eyes travel down to the scar and he seems to understand what i'm feeling.
“I don't hate you because… I understand what you were going through at the time. I understand that you didn't want to hurt me, you were angry and I'm alive now so isn't everything okay?” more tears run down my cheeks.
“You should hate me!”
“how could i hate you when i love you”
“you… love me?”
“yes! I've loved you for so long. i loved you then and i love you now” my tears have stopped and i look up at him, my stomach has dropped. “This scar does not change that scary.” he takes my hand and holds it to his stomach on top of the scar.
“i felt so hurt every time i saw it, i can't help but think about how i hurt you”
Instead of saying anything he brought me to his arms and hugged me, all the guilt and shame washes away.
“i think i might… love you too Lincoln”