Work Text:
when the news of figor farkaroff's defeat came to folph festrange, he'd been expecting it for some while. figor's arrogance was his own ending, and folph knew better than to let arrogance be his.
"no villain monologue," folph murmured to himself, checking off the box on his list. "yes rubber ducks. so many rubber ducks." folph festrange loved rubber ducks almost as much as roarthur weaselbee, the half-lion, half-weasel, all-bee man who was in charge of the superheroes. "i want to rub myself in rubber ducks," folph told fella flack, the no-nonsense machine that stored all of folph's information.
folph had almost named her karen, but that was already taken.
"ok," said fella.
folph opened his mouth to reply with a quick and witty comeback, but before he could, his door was bust open and two figures tumbled in.
"RIGHT BEFORE MY COMEBACK?!" folph cried, smashing his chair into the wall, with him still in it. "ow," he muttered, a single tear falling down his cheek.
"LOL," said a familiar voice. the voice of... the duck. unlike rubber ducks, the duck was a terrifying and muscular woman who liked to foil folph's plans. the worst about the duck, though, was the company she kept.
"we meet again, folph festrange," said moony. moony was a wolf-man, which explained his name. folph had never understood the duck's name, because she hopped like a rabbit and was as strong as three small men in a trench coat, pretending to be a larger man pretending to be a wrestler to win a bet.
"so we do," folph answered.
"you're so stupid," said fella in the background.
"shut up computer lady," said the duck.
"the duck," fella snapped back. "more like the FUCK."
the duck gasped and collapsed to the ground, mortally wounded from fella's words.
"how DARE YOU!!!" moony cried, stepping forward to unleash his fury. fear shot through folph's heart, and he cowered back, only to be interrupted by the beeping of his computer.
"there is a message," said fella. "someone has stolen all of your rubber ducks."
"WHAT?!" folph cried, outraged. pure anger was filtering through him. he could feel himself becoming powerful. moony gasped. "WHO?! don't tell me it's..."
"it's sultry strawberry," said fella.
"NO!!!" folph cried.
"who the diddly heck is sultry strawberry?" moony asked, confused.
"my worst enemy," folph answered. "he ALWAYS steals my rubber ducks."
"THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" the duck said, suddenly sitting up. "WE MUST GET YOUR RUBBER DUCKS BACK!"
"but wait, we were supposed to be fighting him!" moony argued.
"I WANT MY RUBBER DUCKS!" folph cried.
"WE MUST AVENGE THE DUCKS!" the duck cried as well.
"FINE!" moony agreed.
"YAY!" folph and the duck said in unison.
"fella," said folph. "where is sultry strawberry located? we must fight him."
"you think you can fight sultry strawberry dressed like that?" fella asked in a bored tone.
"fella!" folph hissed.
"fine, fine. don't listen to me. you never listen to me." fella let out a long tortured sigh and drew up the location of sultry strawberry.
"off we go!" said the duck.
and they did.
they arrived in the lair of sultry strawberry at noon.
"what to heck?" the duck said, upon arrival. "it looks like..."
"i know," folph answered. "like a giant strawberry. don't be fooled. it tastes horrible, like the inside of his soul."
moony blinked. "did you... did you taste it?" he asked.
"HAHA WHAT? NO." folph laughed nervously, afraid they could see through his lies. but they couldn't. of course not, because he was a great liar. "this way," he said, leading them toward the inside of the strawberry. "also, don't give him your true names. he can use those against you."
they creeped into his home and managed to catch him off guard. he was clearly in the middle of his mid-day dance routine, knee deep in his sultry strawberry gel as he twirled in his tutu. sultry strawberry was, of course, a giant strawberry with two red eyes imbedded into his juicy flesh.
he spotted them and his eyes widened into watermelons. "WHO MIGHT YOU BE?!" he asked.
"i'm m'boy," said the duck.
"i'm r-dawg," said moony.
"huehuehuehuehuehue," laughed folph. "that was my izzy laugh. i am izzatron." out of the corner of his eye, folph spotted the gold. the rubber ducks in a cardboard box, right by the tv. "and i want my rubber ducks back," he demanded.
"lol no," said sultry strawberry.
at that, the duck let out a scream of rage. "LOL IS MY THING!" she jumped at the strawberry, bitting into his head.
"NO!" said folph. "HE'S POISONOUS!"
"I'M VENEMOUS!" said the duck. "GET THE RUBBERS!"
"THAT DOESN'T MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS!" said moony as he and folph dived to grab the box of ducks.
"NOOOOOO!" said sultry strawberry, but it was too late. he was already melting into strawberry gel, ready to be later repackaged and sold at izzatron's store.
"we did it!" said folph.
"yeah we did. right, mary?" there was no response. "mary?"
"who the heck is mary?" asked folph. "the duck is lying on the ground very pale and probably dying but i don't see a mary."
"WHAT!" moony cried, rushing over to the duck, who was definitely dying. "mary, no!"
"at least... now... i get to be with my husband... without the cats," said the duck. and then she died.
"who's mary?" asked folph again.
moony turned his tearful glare onto folph. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! I AM GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND AVENGE MARY'S DEATH!" with a final cry, he flew out of the window with the duck's body.
"ok, but who's mary?!" folph yelled out the window. he got no answer. still confused, he picked up the box of rubber ducks and headed home. fella was waiting for him there, and he asked her. "who's mary?" as he set down the box.
"fuck you," fella relied.
"ok," folph said sadly. he would never know who mary was.