Chapter Text
It was dark. Glam walked around the empty space. "Ches?" He mumbled. No response. Ches wasn't there, but he heard something else. "Just as I said, deplorable." Glam shuddered as he turned around, his father stood feets away. "So, you ran away to become a dirty pansy? I put so much work into you and this is the thanks I get?!" Gustav shouted, it made Glam's ears ache.
He couldn't move; he wanted to shout back and insult his father in some way, but something was stopping him.
"What? Can you not even speak to your own father? You could call for that trash, but now you can't even say a word to me. You're still the same failure you were 5 years ago, a talentless, ungrateful little worm!" His father was shouting, a growl coming from the depths of his voice that practically shook the void around them. Gustav militarized himself, as all of a sudden he was holding a ruler.
Glam held his right arm close to his chest; the only thing crossing his mind was one word: 'No.’
His father proceeded towards him "Hand!" Gustav roared. Slowly, raising the hand that had a grip on the ruler, the weapon he had made his son grow to hate, to fear.
Glam resisted, keeping his arm to his chest, no words, hardly any breathing. He was silent. All of a sudden, there was a violently firm hand wrapped around Glam's hand as his father forced it down.
All of a sudden, Glam was 15 again, angry, horrified. He gave in.
Gustav's hand came down, and so did a loud smack, a sting.
Ches was turning the doorknob of the bathroom with a bong in his hand. They had rehearsal that day, and Ches wanted to be relaxed. What better way to relax than hotboxing the bathroom? Glam was still asleep, this was a perfect opportunity. It's not like he can complain if he's sleeping. But then he heard something—a movement, a choked gasp.
"Damn, alright, alright. I know the drill; no drugs in the... bathroom.." Something felt wrong; he wasn't immediately scolded for planning to fill their shared bathroom with smoke. The only thing he heard from his friend was breathing; that was odd as well. Why was he breathing so heavily? Ches turned around to look at Glam. "Are you awake?" He was awake; he looked sickly already, and he had just woken up.
'It itches, it burns.' Glam was staring at the wall in front of him, fidgeting with the wristband on his arm. He could hardly tell Ches was there, as if screens were behind his eyes, replaying all the things he had run away from.
"Lydia could have done better." A repetitive, painful pattern of strikes to his hand. The memory continued to play through Glam's head. He scratched at the skin that was usually covered by a wristband; he didn't even remember taking it off, but it stung. He had to get rid of the feeling.
Ches hadn't quite noticed this yet, his focus wasn't Glam's hands, it was his face. This wasn't right, was he sick? Ches put the bong down slowly so as to not break it, then walked over to Glam. He moved some of his friend's blonde hair away from his face to hold his hand against his forehead. There was no resistance from Glam, but he wasn't warm either. "Not sick... Glam, what's the matter?" Ches questioned, staring into his friends eyes; they were as painfully blue as ever, you could practically drown in them. That was besides the point; there wasn't a smile. That was what was throwing him off; the absence of Glam's usual freakishly intense smile was the cause of concern. Ches burrowed his eyebrows up a little, looking for anything behind Glam's eyes. Nothing. "Dude, you're scaring me a little." Ches chuckled nervously, taking one hand to scratch his chin and the other to wave in front of Glam's face. Nothing again. Ches looked at the wall Glam had been staring daggers into. Still nothing.
"Are you trying to disgrace me, yourself, and this family!?" His wrist ached; it hurt so much, he wished it'd fall off.
Ches saw Glam wince; why did he wince? Ches finally began actually examining the situation. "Shit!" Ches smacked Glam's left hand away in the heat of the moment, Glam seemed to shiver.
"Oh no..." Ches dragged out; he's seen Glam get upset like this before, but that time was different; he was easier to bring down, and he wasn't actively attacking himself. He obviously wasn't aware he was doing it, but it still scared Ches.
"Don't you start crying, Sebastian, I can give you a real reason to cry, you've got that?!" His father's stern voice loomed over him.
"Yes, father." Sebastian choked on his own words. He didn't want to cry, he agreed with his father that it wasn't necessary, but still, the tears were trying to fight out of his eyes, they stung, his wrist stung.
"Glam, just leave your hand there; don't scratch; you don't need to scratch." Ches's voice was flooded with panic. What the hell was he supposed to do? He paced around for a moment before sitting next to Glam on the bed, Glam was out of it entirely; Ches needed to bring him back, for both of their sakes.
Glam continued to breathe heavily, his throat had a lump in it, a slight quavering noise came out with his breath, his arm hurt, why did it hurt? The lump grew more painful. 'Don't cry, don't do it.' Glam didn't know if he was talking to himself or Sebastian; at this point, he felt as though he was still that boy, he needed to shake, sob, he needed to scream, he needed to throw things, he needed control.
Ches took a gentle hold of Glam's wrist—not a grasp; he simply held it, as if it would shatter with the slightest touch. He continued to watch Glam's eyes; he longed to know what was happening behind them; maybe then he could stop it. He wasn’t quite sure what happened, but something in the back of his mind was giving him an answer. He wished he could manifest himself into Glam's mind and stop the hand of his father, stop the cracks in the glass that Sebastian was, and Glam was becoming again. The usual gentle, calming rain that Ches saw in Glam's eyes was gone and replaced with a raging storm, one you'd be afraid to go out in. The kind of storm Glam was in when he showed up at Ches's door 5 years ago. He wanted to let him in, put the pieces of that broken glass back together, and hold it. He wanted to hold it and never let it go.
Ches leaned on Glam's shoulder a little, trying to give him some sort of anchor, something to have his mind grab onto, the pressure on his side might distract him, right?
"You're not going outside anymore, you! I'll have you practicing music all summer, you understand?!" Gustav shouted, waving the ruler in his hand around drunkenly.
Sebastian was weeping, shaking moderately as he did so. He was holding his wrist, it was bleeding, and badly. Then he let go.
"I... will be practicing music... all summer, father." he said as he looked up at Gustav, angry tears rolled down his face, his hair was a mess "Everyday, I am going to be practicing music." His voice was boiling, yet still had a tremble to it.
Glam started scratching again, it was like time was flying by, yet not moving at all, it was enraging, terrifying, and desolate.
Ches moved Glam's hand away again, the glass was breaking, pieces falling into his hands. All Ches could do was try to hold them together, and so he did. Music—music is what started mending the glass in the first place. So Ches did the only thing he could think of; he hummed something calm, something gentle.
Glam swallowed, trying to rid himself of the lump in his throat, which was deemed unsuccessful. His ears rang with his father's insults, contemptuous words, and the ongoing thwack of a ruler. He was practically quivering. He wanted it to stop, he didn't even know why it started.
Glam felt an arm around his neck, then two. He took in another unsteady breath, there was a scent he knew all too well, musty in a way, an undertone of cannabis.
It was horrible, but better than the lack of smell he had been experiencing once again. The stinging of his wrist was still there, but the excruciating pain it felt as though he was experiencing had calmed down, the disturbed scar tissue throbbed. Over the sounds of his father's words, the blonde heard a quiet hum, D minor.
Ches lowered his arms to rub Glam's back, continuing to hum an improvised number. His voice was warm, comfortable. He knew where he was. Glam figured he could pay a bit more attention to his surroundings, peering over at Ches's half of the room. It was a mess, but it had character.
In the corner of his eye, he saw some of his friend's hair, his wrist itched again as he tried to pay attention to the soft melody taking over his father's remarks. His breathing began to steady, but nothing was leaving his head, it was still just as petrifying. However, now he was in a hotel room rather than a lifeless mansion, and he felt a gentle embrace rather than the swat of a ruler. His arm still hurt; he had eroded some of the scar tissue, but not enough to be fatal. Glam's breathing pattern wasn't calm, but it had become consistent.
"It's okay, Glam."
Gustav's words were melting away as Ches's took over, the blonde gently grasped his friend's shirt, and took in another deep breath. The smell of cigarette smoke and cannabis burned his nose, but something sweet came with it, a slight aroma of frosting. Ches had probably eaten a doughnut for breakfast again, or maybe one of those unbearably dry cookies, maybe seven. Finally coming back to reality, Glam found the memories still lingering in his mind. Why wouldn't they leave him alone? "Rehearsal..." Glam muttered. They were late, he couldn't handle the idea of being late for something in this moment. If he had been late for the entrance exam all those years ago, his father would have—
"Mmm, that's alright. I'll tell the guys that you're sick." Ches said earnestly.
Sick? Glam wasn't sick, he may have felt a bit dazed, but not ill.
"We have to go now." Glam said in response. Lordi and Bob wouldn't like waiting this long for rehearsal just to find out that it would get canceled.
"That's right, I'll go now and tell them, Glam. I'll be right back." Ches altered Glam's words on purpose, he wasn't exactly in the condition for a rehearsal; he might get snappy or start seeing things again. Ches slowly peeled back from Glam, taking his trenchcoat off and setting it over Glam's shoulders. "Give me 5 minutes." Ches said as he slowly left the room, watching Glam with every step he took. Once he was gone, Glam took his wrist bands off and inspected his wrist—a mark, a reminder. Glam wished he could make them go away, but unfortunately, wishing does nothing.
Ches walked into the rehearsal room, Lordi and Bob were standing there. Bob was tapping his foot on the drum pedal impatiently, Lordi just looked annoyed.
"Finally! It took you long enough, what were you even doing? Rehearsal started 30 minutes ago, and where's Glam?" It was extremely obvious how irritated Lordi was, his tone was disgruntled, with that slight whine that was usually lingering whenever something didn't go according to plan.
"Calm down, we have to cancel rehearsal today." Ches stated. He got an immediate snap back from Lordi.
"What do you mean we have to cancel? Why didn't you tell us this earlier?!"
Bob cut in "Yeah, we have to get ready for the gig on Saturday, or did you forget?" His voice was filled with condescension.
"Listen, it wasn't intentional! Glam woke up real sick, I've gotta take care of him. He tried to come but he was too groggy to do it." The lies flowed out of Ches's teeth like a gentle river. He had lied to them more often than he'd like to admit, sometimes they caught on, but it was a bit difficult seeing as his voice hardly ever changed unless he was shouting, or singing.
"... Really? How did Glam get sick? You give him something?" Bob asked; it wasn't really a shock that something was up with Glam. He usually gets there first.
"No I didn't give him anything, he just woke up feeling bad." Ches scratched his chin and glanced at Lordi and Bob, his eyes half-lidded.
Bob led on to say "Oh... well, uh does he need anything? Tea?" The irate tone left his voice entirely.
"Nah, I've got it, don't worry. Thanks though." Ches let out a short chuckle before walking back out. As the brunette departed, Bob and Lordi gave each other the look. There was definitely something going on between those two that they didn't know about.
Ches's trench coat made the scent of his friend linger. Glam really didn't mind, he had grown fond of the strong smell, not because he enjoyed it, in fact it was far from it, only because it was Ches. Glam tried to focus on where he was, the smell, what he saw. He looked out the window; there was a bird. He heard a bird the day of the concert, the day his father found everything out, the day everything changed. He was scratching again, it was an unconscious decision, it itched, like a rash left neglected.
Ches almost appeared behind him with how quickly he entered the room and walked to Glam, he moved Glam's hand again. "You're going to open your skin, stop that." Ches said, firmly but gently. Ches sat down next to Glam and held his wrist once again, gently rubbing the scars with his thumb.
It didn't itch anymore. Glam blinked finally after what felt like forever. He blinked a couple times, then rubbed his eyes with his free hand, smudging his mascara. He had forgotten to take it off the night before, and he wasn't sure why.
"Breathe, Glam." Ches uttered, and a rush of relief washed over him like a warm shower, Glam seemed to be with him again. "Can you tell me where you are, Glam?"
"The hotel." Glam's voice sounded hoarse; he hadn't let out a single sob, and yet he sounded as though he hadn't stopped crying for days.
Ches simpered, then hugged Glam with one arm, still gently running his thumb over Glam's scars, it was a sad sight, they were red, irritated from the consistent scratching. Ches payed no mind that they were there, he just didn't want the glass to continue to shatter, he wanted to repair the damage that was done, none of it will ever fully be gone; he knew that, that was ok, he just didn't want Glam to hurt.
Glam was still thinking about everything that he had run away from; it continued to play in his mind, and it hurt.
"Remember, Glam, you're no longer a gladiolus in a flower bed, but a weed torn from the garden." Ches quoted himself; it earned a wan smile from Glam in response. The smile quickly faded, though. Glam turned and hugged his friend tight.
Ches was warm, and Glam needed that warmth. He was almost digging his nails into Ches's back; he didn't want to let go. He hid his face in the crook of Ches's neck; his brunette hair tickled Glam's nose. Ches hugged the blonde back, gently running his hands through his hair.
"You're safe; you're cared about a lot." He reassured Glam. He felt Glam's entire body tremble, then melt into him as he took a deep, shaken breath. The glass was mending, at just the right temperature to be put back together.
Ches didn't complain about the pressure on his back; it wasn't that bad anyhow and Glam needed this. He wasn't usually the one to initiate physical contact. He let Glam sit there in silence for a bit and gently rocked the two of them back and forth. "Can you look at me now, Glam?"
Glam nodded, he knew it was important if Ches was the one to end the hug. He let go of Ches and leaned back to look at him.
Ches gently took Glam's wrist again and used his other hand to draw lines around the scars with his finger. "You shouldn't feel guilty or have to feel scared. You don't need to be afraid of these, they're nothing to be ashamed of. They're just proof you're alive. Like a mountain; you keep climbing, sometimes you slip, sometimes you need to stop, but eventually you get to where you want to be. You aren't going to climb straight up, and the heights are terrifying, but the view is worth it. It's beautiful, and when you look back you realize; the hike was as well." Ches stopped to stare into Glam's eyes; the clouds were gone, the rains that were held in them were calm again; they were beautiful. Then he took his other hand and also used it to hold his friend's arm, then he gave Glam's once lacerated wrist and kissed it.
What just happened?
Glam's face felt warm; but not out of embarrassment or shame, tears? His mascara was running. He stared at Ches for a moment, then he broke down. Glam was sobbing, not pretty sobbing either; he choked on his own spit a couple times, Ches didn't mind. He pulled Glam back into a hug, and rubbed his back. Every once in a while he gently whispered a "Shhh."
It was warm, it was safe, Glam didn't feel like he needed to fight that lump in his throat anymore; no one would yell, no one would hit. It was just him, and Ches.
They stayed like that for 30 minutes, eventually the tears ran out; there was mascara, tears, and snot all over Ches's shoulder. Glam parted from the hug; he was dehydrated and groggy, the crying had given him a headache.
Ches moved Glam's hair out of his face again, stared into his eyes for a moment and then stood up. "I'll get you something to drink, something you eat too... maybe cookies." Ches scratched his chin and rubbed Glam's shoulder with his free hand.
Glam was rather hungry; he didn't eat or drink anything at all that day. He hadn't even noticed his hunger. Glam wasn't too fond of eating sweets often, but he wouldn't object. Cookies sounded good right about now. "Alright. Well, hold on now. You should clean off your shoulder, I apologize for doing that." Glam got up and walked into the bathroom; walking back in with some tissues. He blew his nose with one and used another to clean off Ches's shoulder. "You should shower later." Glam paused. "I should shower too."
Ches shrugged it off. "I'll shower tomorrow morning, you shower tonight. Sound good?" Ches was looking at Glam with the usual half-lidded eyes and soft grin on his face.
Glam smiled. "If you're sure." He said as he walked back to the bathroom to throw out the used tissues, then walking back and sitting down on the bed.
"I'll be right back." Ches walked out of the room with his hands in his pockets, leaving his trench coat with Glam once again.
Glam got back up, he left the bed a mess. He took a deep breath and made the bed before sitting back down. He could think now; his mind wasn't clouded by horrible memories anymore. What caused the dream that started all of this? Did someone say something, do something? He wasn't sure. But, Glam was calm enough to agree with himself that he would think about that later. Right now he wanted to think about anything else.
"Right, and then she came up to me and was talking about how playing the drums must be a killer work out, or somethin'.. I don't remember her exact words but either way; she was hot, funny too." Bob said to Lordi, leaning on the door frame of their hotel room. Then Ches shut the door to him and Glam's room behind him.
"Oh, hey guys. I thought you two would've gone to do something, eh?" Ches said as he started walking past them, then Lordi butt in.
"Hey wait, are you leaving Glam in there by himself? Did he fall asleep or something?" He asked, Lordi always seemed to have something to say.
"Yeah yeah, hes alright, you're acting like he can't take care of himself. I'm just getting him something to eat and drink, he hasn't had anything all day. Chill out, dude." Ches said as he continued to walk "He'll be ok, I'll be gone 15 minutes." Then he was out of ear shot.
Lordi rolled his eyes, then looked at Bob. "Should we check on him?"
"I dunno, Ches seems to be doing an ok job and we don't really know if Glam wants a whole lot of company, y'know? Ches does have a point too, he can take care of himself. Maybe if Ches doesn't come back in the 15 minutes he said he would then yes." Bob said with an uncertain tone in his voice, the walls weren't too sound proof; maybe Glam was really that ill. It probably sucked, Bob was surprised he was supposedly sick in the first place, let alone it being this bad. Lordi gave a silent gesture, which they usually did. Each one meant something different, they were both thinking about the same thing, they knew it too.
Ches walked back into the room about 20 minutes later with a bottle of water and a bag of cookies, they were fresh. Glam wasn't where he was when Ches left. "Glaammm? I'm back." Ches said loud enough to be heard clearly from outside the door.
Glam opened the bathroom door; he was wearing clean clothes now but he had kept Ches's trenchcoat on, the weight of it was comfortable. He was still drying his hair from the shower he took. "Welcome back!" Glam smiled; that was good.
"There you are! Here take this." Ches smiled back and gave him the water and cookies, he had just bought them; he didn't want Glam to have cold cookies, he'd get more money soon anyway. He chuckled a little and pointed at the coat "Thought you would've taken that off by now, heheh."
"Nope! Thank you for these." Glam gleamed; he was definitely doing somewhat better.
"Yeah don't mention it, dude." Ches sat down on his bed and leaned against the wall. "Glad to see you like this again; today was crazy, yeah?" Ches chuckled again and scratched his chin.
Glam nodded, then sat at the very edge of his own bed, eating a cookie with care; he didn't want to get crumbs anywhere. This was nice; he could hardly remember what was originally bothering him at this point, his wrist still stung but it was tolerable. After he finished the cookie he rolled up the bag and set the rest aside; opening the water bottle and drinking half of it in one go.
"Better?" Ches asked
"Yep!" Glam smiled at him again; it was more gentle than his usual smile. Ches took that as a good sign; he was relaxed, that was good.
Ches sat silently for a moment then began to get nervous, he fiddled with his thumbs and sat up from leaning against the wall, only to slouch right after. "Hey, uh, listen. I'm sorry about that weird kiss thing I did earlier, I was just trying to calm you down." That was a lie, but he glazed it enough for it to sound genuine.
Glam nodded "That's quite alright, I don't mind." Ches was his friend; he knew it wasn't romantic, why would it be? Ches liked girls, Glam liked girls, nothing weird was going on there. Homosexuality was weird, right? Why was Glam thinking so hard about this?
He shook his head and put the water bottle down then asked "Did you really tell them I'm sick?"
"Well, yeah. Don't want to tell them anything if you don't want me to, man." Ches had relaxed again; he was leaning on the bed frame now, picking at his teeth with his pinky.
"Thank you." Glam responded, he wanted to avoid talking about that part of his life as much as possible; doing that never settled right in his stomach, it made him feel like he swallowed a rock.
"I get it, I don't wanna talk about much of my childhood either. I won't push you, Glam." Ches added to what he originally said while nodding at his friend's gratitude. Glam knew what he was talking about, Ches didn't have the most polite upbringing either; his father didn't seem to be around, his mother hadn't been doing the best and it showed. He knew Ches loved his mom a lot but that doesn't mean it didn't affect him. Glam nodded in agreement.
Ches sat up again and got out of bed rummaging through his things, taking out his guitar. "Well, we missed rehearsal so we should probably practice something. You think you're up for it?" Ches said while sitting back on his bed, putting the guitar in his lap.
"Yes! Shouldn't we include Bob and Lordi?" Glam asked, taking out his guitar as well.
"Nah, I think I'd prefer just us two right now. Wouldn't you agree?" Ches looked up from his guitar to look at Glam, his tone was almost doting.
Glam thought for a moment; he didn't want to leave out the other two band members, but then again he didn't think he wanted to listen to Lordi make sassy remarks about how he was 'sick' one second and fine the other, and he had no problem spending time with just Ches. In fact he was quite fond of the time the two of them spent alone. "Yes, yes I would."
Ches couldn't compose himself; he smiled a little wider. "Alright, do you remember what we did last rehearsal?" He said.
Glam nodded "Yes, 'Smell Like Cherry' right?" He watched his friend get ready to play, placing his fingers on the correct frets to play the first chord.
"Yeah, that's the one. Don't forget your part, it's very important, heheh." Ches's tone was teasing; but he was genuine. He wanted Glam to have a part in the singing; his voice was nice, the fans would love it. Ches would too.
Glam gave a half-suppressed laugh "I won't, don't worry."
The two of them had been practicing for a good hour, fixing some notes, Glam commented on the poorly written sheet music a couple times, like a normal rehearsal. But Bob and Lordi were in the room over this time.
"If he's so sick, why are they playing right now?" Lordi declaimed, he had his arms crossed and the whine in his voice was present.
"Hey, guitarists are persistent. Glam could have the plague and he'd probably still try to play. He probably just doesn't want to infect us, I wouldn't look too far into it. If it wasn't something serious he would've showed up. It's alright Lordi, we can reschedule. Plus; the more they practice without us the less we have to listen to them argue about the sheet music. They banter like an old married couple." Bob said, patting Lordi's back.
"Yeah yeah, alright. Whatever. We might as well go do something then, theres no reason to sit around." Lordi tapped his finger against his elbow, until he uncrossed his arms to flick one of his wrists. "But listen, if this becomes a reoccurring thing I'm not keeping my mouth shut."
Bob rolled his eyes. "It won't become a reoccurring thing, you know how Glam is about keeping things properly scheduled. Don't be a drama queen, he got sick one time. I do understand the irritation though."