Chapter Text
“Tangina,” Maloi hissed in frustration as she dropped the lighter on the cold marble tiles of the comfort room. She reached for the pack inside her back pocket and let the stick rest in between her soft plump lips. Lighting it as she rests her back softly on the white painted wall. She inhaled and paused momentarily as she felt the smoke enter her lungs, feeling the slight burn in her throat despite it being mint flavor. It never fails though, to calm the throbbing pulse that’s threatening to bore her skull.
Maloi looked up, and saw her reflection in the full mirror in front of her. She was wearing an oversized hoodie matching it with faded jeans, feeling more comfortable. She prefers casual clothes more than the usual outfit she wears in every stage, which are a little revealing for her liking.
She took a step forward and leaned closer, she was still wearing makeup but the creases above her eyebrows were still visible. She lightly traced the skin under her eyes, a shade darker than her white porcelain skin, evidence of sleeplessness, stress, emotional distress (?). “Fuck, when did I get so old? ” she thought to herself feeling a little insecure suddenly as she pressed her back on the wall once again.
She shook her head lightly as she took another puff, taking her time but she can’t really stop the thoughts running through her head. Maloi is tired. Maybe tired is an understatement. She is restless . She used to LIKE this. She used to LOVE this. Hell, she DREAMT of this. But she can’t deny the fact that as time goes by, she feels that this is just sucking the life out of her. She feels suffocated, trapped and exploited even.
But she can’t really complain now, can she? EVERYONE FUCKING LOVES Maloi Ricalde. THE STAGGERING Maloi Ricalde. Singer, performer, model, influencer, former BINI member . Name it all. She can do. She’s basically perfect (in the eyes of her fans at least). As one reporter said and she quote, “An actual Angel”.
She scoffed, glancing once again at her reflection. She is NOTHING like that. If they only knew that the FORMIDABLE Maloi Ricalde they basically painted inside their heads is NOTHING like her, at least not anymore. Maloi - this Maloi staring back at her is unsure, jaded, spent, anxious and everything in between. She winced as she remembered the thought of having to fake her confidence in every stage, every award show, every public appearances. When and how did she turn out like this? She doesn’t know or maybe she does but she doesn’t have enough energy to think about that right now.
“Maloi?” A slow knock on the door broke the train of her thoughts. There was a pause and another soft knock. She purposely didn’t acknowledge it at first but the knock was persistent, getting louder until it was harder to ignore. Maloi groaned, obviously frustrated because fuck, this is her only time for herself after an almost 2-hour set, is 15 minutes too much to ask? She threw the butt in the trash can on her side and sighed, slowly making her way through the door.
“Yes?” she offered a little smile to her Manager.
“May naghahanap sayo.”
Brows furrowed in confusion, she waited as her Manager continued. “I let her wait for you inside the dressing room, I just need to talk to some organizers. Pag may kailangan ka, tawag ka lang, okay?” and in one swift move her Manager was gone. Maloi stood on the doorway though, confused more than ever.
Who’s her? She doesn't really remember inviting a friend or anyone to her concert. She shrugged, making her way to the not so empty corridor, smiling and bowing to every person that she bumped into. Whoever this visitor is must be important enough for her manager to just let her wait around in her own private dressing room.
She knocked carefully and she froze the moment she opened the door, mouth gaping, one hand gripping the door knob tighter the other leaning on the door frame desperate for something to hold onto because her knees seemed to have forgotten how to function properly.
She was aware of the look of horror plastered on her face. Until the woman in front of her took a step and offered her that ever so familiar smile.
“Hello, Maloi.”
And then it turned into a look of confusion.
“Colet…” She said just above a whisper.
Maloi’s heart was beating so hard she thought it might actually jump out of her chest. Colet. Colet fucking Vergara is here. Thousands of emotions were running through her whole being. She was tired and it took her a lot of effort to not just collapse right then and there.
To say that she wasn't happy to see Colet would be a lie, she is ecstatic . She should be ecstatic. Yet, her body failed to show her emotions. Colet, her friend, her ex-member, the person she sees almost everyday for almost 8 years is here. But remembering the last time she saw the girl years ago and how it went was the one thing holding her back from just crashing Colet with a tight hug.
Taking a deep breath, Maloi tried her best to calm her nerves before closing the door behind her.
“...you're here,” she continued.
“I’m here,” Colet giggled this time. Making Maloi's heart flutter. As if the heavy thumping of her heart wasn't enough.
She looked past Colet expecting to find someone with her.
It was a year after BINI’s disbandment. Maloi wasn't the most proud about how it ended, she hated it, even blaming herself for fucking it up for everyone. A year after and here she is, in a car on her way to her scheduled photoshoot for a makeup brand. She heard her phone ring and quickly fished it inside her bag. The name on the screen made her smile.
Aiah and Maloi kept in touch. Of course they did. They were each other's best friend. Aiah was like an older sister. With Aiah, Maloi felt protected, understood, and loved. They were each other’s rock and Maloi is more than thankful that she stayed in her life.
It's not too long before Aiah was ranting about her work, being a TV Host in one of the most famous talk shows is also a pain in the ass apparently and Maloi just giggled teasing her best friend as she absentmindedly stared at the busy streets.
It wasn't until Aiah swerved the topic - completely out of nowhere that Maloi almost choked on her americano, “Have you heard? Colet and Jho are living together now. Just the two of them,” she said matter of factly. “Well, that's according to Mikha.”
And then there was silence. Gripping her phone tighter on her ear, Maloi stayed mute. She wanted to ask, wanted to say something but nothing came out. As if acknowledging that she touched a sensitive topic, Aiah laughed awkwardly and continued rambling about a certain coworker.
“Ako lang,” Colet said as if reading her mind, meeting Maloi’s eyes for a moment but the older one quickly looked away.
She nodded in response, hiding her trembling hands inside the pocket of her hoodie. “I see.”
Maloi gestured for them to occupy the small round table, eyes just shyly looking over her side to get a glimpse of the older one. But it wasn't long enough before they were sitting face to face and it had given Maloi the opportunity to really look at Colet this time.
Unfair, she thought. After all these years, Colet is still breathtaking. How she managed to still look effortlessly beautiful with almost no makeup on and not to mention keep her shape is beyond her. Her dark hair flowing past her shoulders. Colet still looks young for her age. Granted, she's only what? 28 years old? But the girl looks almost the same as years ago. When her gaze stumbled upon her sharp jawline, her stomach almost backflipped.
She still doesn't understand how people thought she was the most charming BINI member when Colet Vergara exists.
“Colet, anong ginagawa mo dito?” she breathed out, leaning backwards slightly.
The older woman placed her right elbow on the table, head cocking to the side as she pressed her chin on her palm.
“Well, I wanted to see the very famous Maloi Ricalde," her tone wasn't mocking, it was laced with sincerity, amusement.
Maloi shook her head and scoffed to herself, “did you…?”
“Yes I did,” Colet confirmed and Maloi wished she could hide her flustered face. Colet visiting her is one thing but knowing that she watched her full concert made her shy. She looked down to hide her face. How the fuck does Colet still has this effect on her.
“Nung narinig ko na meron ka’ng concert dito, I knew I have to go, I knew I have to see you,” she continued. “You did well, by the way. You look great.”
There was a different vibe to the older woman. If it was Colet and Maloi talking years ago it would be the other way around. It would be Maloi who’s poised and collected and Colet would be quiet and timid as she always is. But this Colet is unshaken, her new found confidence clearly stirring Maloi off guard.
The words leaving the older one doesn’t help either. Was she implying that after all these years, she wanted to see Maloi suddenly?
“Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself,” Maloi replied. Offering a small smile.
“Kamusta ka? It’s been so long,” Colet said. Hands now clasped on the table. Her brown orbs scanning, waiting.
“Im fine,” Maloi answered, hoping the other didn’t catch the slight waiver in her voice. “More than fine. Ikaw?”
They stared at each other for a while, letting Maloi’s question hang around in the silence of the room. The room is spacious but as the second goes by the more Maloi feel the walls cramping her up, smothering her. Or maybe it’s just her heart constricting thanks to the girl in front of her.
But that didn’t stop Maloi to lower her gaze to Colet’s eyes with those long lashes. Her nose, that perfectly bridged nose and then her mouth, her small mouth with soft plump lips. That lips she has touched before, kissed before - lips that was... this is dangerous. Maloi thought to herself.
“Busy ka ba?” Colet asked swiftly, “nevermind, of course you are. Uhm, but do you have some free time? To you know, maybe go somewhere and catch up?”
She almost saw a trace of the old Colet there as she rambled briefly. Colet who’s always bashful but nonetheless self-assured. Until the older one regained her composure, eyes never leaving Maloi’s.
Maloi was searching for something through those brown orbs. She wondered how Colet could be so nonchalant about this. Like nothing happened during those years that they were apart, living their own life. And god knows what happened to Colet during those years. She doesn’t even know who this person is anymore. All she knew was that the girl is a music teacher (claimed once again by Mikha) and is now living with Jho, her best friend. Their bestfriend. Even though Maloi was sure she couldn’t call Jho that anymore.
“What do you have in mind?” she asked.
“There's a bar 10 minutes away from here. A drink or two would be nice."
Nostalgia is a fucking bitch, she thought. Her mind is racing, memories flashing before her eyes briskly. Memories that she chose to bury deep down at the solitary confines of her mind. Memories that she wasn’t sure even happened.
But she couldn't stop herself from remembering. Suddenly, she’s 22 years old again, young and reckless, drunk by the thought of having her life in her grasp.
How Colet and Maloi with alcohol was never a good combination.
She couldn't stop herself from remembering that night she once shared with the woman in front of her.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“Maloi?” Colet called out in the darkness of their room, the dim light of their phones reflecting their faces, “Maloi, gising ka pa?”
“Hmm?” Maloi glanced at the girl flopped on the bed beside her. She turned off her phone, discarding it on her night stand. The sole source of light was gone and Maloi had to squint, barely making out the shadow of Colet’s face.
“Hindi ba weird?” she said more so to herself. Colet wasn't moving, just staring at the ceiling, hand fiddling with her plushie. Maloi waited for her to continue. “That I will turn 20 years old soon and wala parin ako’ng first kiss.”
And this is the part where Maloi would laugh. Where Maloi would tease Colet and pinch her cheeks and tell her how cute she is. Until she heard the other girl whine, turning around and burying her face on her pillow. Clearly distressed.
Maloi stood up and made her way to Colet’s bed. Nudging the girl to scoot over so she can squeeze herself. Thing is, the bed wasn't that big for the both of them so Maloi struggled before finding a comfortable position, their bodies innocently flushed against each other.
Colet still has her face buried on the pillow and Maloi turned to her side, hands found their way to Colet's soft locks, caressing the girl assuringly.
“Weird? Anong weird dun?” she bit her lip. Honestly, Maloi wasn't the best at pep talk especially if this was the topic. Yes, she was confident and probably one the most open members amongst them but this, this is something that Colet never opened up about.
Most times, they would talk about how they missed their family, even their pets but never these kinds of things. It's not that she's not comfortable talking about it with Colet, but she would always find herself looking for Aiah when it comes to these kinds of matters. She guessed that maybe it wasn't really just a part of their dynamic.
So she was being extra careful, she let her hand rest on Colet’s shoulder caressing the tense muscle before she continued, “Hindi mo naman kailangan mag madali. My first kiss wasn’t really memorable as I thought it would be, I thought before that first kiss would all be butterflies, yung parang sa movies? but one day, I just said to myself fuck it and got it over with, and it was sloppy, and wasn’t nice at all,” she chuckled to herself but Colet wasn't responding.
Maloi closed her eyes and mentally kicked herself because she probably is not making any sense right now and is nowhere close to being helpful. So much for being extra careful. She sighed, “Anyway, the point is, rushing wouldn't help. I’m sure there's a lot of boys who would want to be Colet Vergara’s first kiss,” she smiled, accentuating her last sentence.
Silence wasn’t something new to them. It was comfortable, warm. And Maloi knew Colet is one of the very few people that could make her usual babbling self to mum.
“Would you do it?” Colet asked quietly, so quiet that Maloi wasn’t sure she heard it right.
“Ha?” Maloi wasn’t meaning to sound appalled, or anything like that. But this is Colet. Colet who is perfect. Colet who is precious. Colet who could probably never do wrong in her life.
“Sorry, nevermind I asked,” Colet said quickly sitting up, hiding her face on the palm of her hands. “What am I saying? Nevermind...” she continued. Shaking her head.
Maloi stared at her for a good minute, biting her lip, weighing her choices where her next step would either make or break their friendship and she knows it. She wasn’t opposed to kissing Colet, if she’s being honest - it’s just a kiss . But once again, this is Colet we are talking about and she couldn’t and wouldn’t risk what they have.
All sense of judgement was out the window though when she catches Colet trace her bottom lip with her tongue slowly, biting it and then pouting. A habit that was once inconspicuous, now making Maloi’s heart tug involuntarily. Fuck it.
“Sige, I’ll do it,” she said.
“Talaga?” Colet raised her eyebrows, and Maloi was sure she heard the hint of excitement in her voice. She couldn’t help but wonder if Colet had previously thought about kissing her before they were in this position.
Maloi nodded in response. The other girl was eyeing her expectantly, brown orbs never leaving Maloi’s. Waiting, wanting. She sat up and leaned her back on the head board, stretching her legs, gesturing Colet to sit on her lap. Alright, if Colet really wants her to do this, might as well never hold back.
It was awkward for god’s sake. Colet’s legs both on the side of her thighs, fingers toying the hem of her shirt. Skins flushed against each other. The older girl’s mouth is just inches away from Maloi and she could just lean in and close the gap right away, get it over with, like what she did with her first kiss with a random boy in her high school. But she didn’t. Maloi has this urge to make Colet feel good. Satisfy her even.
“Lagay mo dito yung kamay mo,” she said, guiding her cold hands to her waist, “Is it okay to put mine here?” she asked as she palmed Colet’s nape. The older girl only nodded.
And then she guided Colet down, closing the gap. Soft lips touched hers in a split second. It was a quick peck, she barely felt Colet’s mouth on hers.
“Okay?” Maloi inquired, searching her eyes. Colet hummed, “Isa pa,” she whispered.
Colet was the one who leaned in and this time, the kiss lingered. Taking their time to feel each other’s lips. Colet tastes like watermelon while Maloi tastes like mint. Maloi’s heart was pounding immensely at this point, her skin burning causing her to sweat profusely. But she can’t back down now, can she?
Maloi softly brushed her palm on the roots of Colet’s hair, getting bolder as she moved, trapping Colet’s bottom lip and sucking it. She felt Colet jerk and her lips shiver slightly and Maloi pulled away abruptly. Shit.
Colet’s eyes were hazy, the fingers that were once resting on her waist were now grasping her tightly. She clearly looked flustered and Colet didn’t even bother hiding it. Instead, she rested her forehead against Maloi’s.
“More.”
It wasn’t a question. It was more of a demand. A desperate one. And they were too further down this hole might as well dig deeper.
And deeper they went. Maloi connected their mouths for the third time, the idea of just giving Colet a kiss is now long gone. This time, she just wants to make her feel good. Make her feel good because of her.
They started slowly, continuing where they left off with Maloi giving Colet a lingering kiss. Then she started moving, sucking her bottom lip only this time she poked her tongue out and grazed it just slightly, earning a sigh from the other girl.
Maloi wanted to hear it again. And so she moved both of her hands, caressing Colet’s jawline, guiding her as she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. Her tongue prompted her mouth to open and when she did, Maloi wasted no time swiping her tongue and tasting Colet.
Colet is arguably the fastest learner in BINI and Maloi wasn’t surprised when soon enough Colet’s tongue was meeting hers. It was warm and amiable and Maloi was enjoying it too much. Enjoying how Colet lets out a breathy sigh when she nibbles on her tongue. Enjoying how Colet’s cold hands were caressing, tugging, grasping the hem of her tank top, occasionally brushing the exposed skin that made Maloi skin burn further.
Air was a necessity and shortly they were panting hot breaths against each other, lips still grazing, eyes both hooded. Maloi lets out a low chuckle, “Not bad?” she asked with a smirk, lips still touching Colet’s.
The older one flashed her a smile, “I like your lips,” she said. Maloi didn’t anticipate what Colet was about to do though and she could swear she could just die right there and then when she quickly sucked her bottom lip, nibbling it with her tongue before releasing it with a pop, “It’s full and soft.” she continued, kissing Maloi once more on her cheek before resting her forehead on her shoulder. Maloi swallowed the thick lump on her throat, trying hard to calm down her heart that was about to burst out of her chest. She was glad Colet couldn't see her nervous state.
Closing her eyes, she let herself focus on the warmth that is Colet, with her soft breath hitting her cheek. They stayed there, hugging each other for a few minutes before Colet muttered a soft and shy thank you with a kiss on her forehead.
They didn’t talk about it. Hell, they didn’t talk to each other at all. It’s been weeks and they didn’t even care to mention what happened nor acknowledge it. Colet doesn’t look bothered from the looks of it and Maloi is far too focused on their schedules to sulk on Colet’s lack of reaction. But that’s what she is, she might as well deny the problem than confront it, she knows herself. And she knows damn well that Colet is the same.
So she ignores it. Ignore the frustrating ache she feels when Colet flashes everyone that smile except at her. Ignores the slight pang on her chest when Colet looks at everyone except her - like she wasn’t there. Ignore the way Colet ignores her. And eventually, ignoring Colet entirely.