Work Text:
[Pandora’s Vault. Awesamdude, behind the lectern. Quackity, enter lobby-left, holding a–]
AWESAMDUDE:
What is that?
QUACKITY:
What does it look like?
AWESAMDUDE:
Um. A stair. With some…signs, on the side? Um–
QUACKITY:
Dude, come on.
(Out of the inventory, onto the floor–with a bang.)
It’s a chair.
(Silence.)
AWESAMDUDE:
What’s a chair?
QUACKITY:
It’s a…
(Dropping to a whisper)
You know. For the thing. The thing we do!
AWESAMDUDE:
What thing ?
QUACKITY:
The thing! The T-thing, the word you don’t like to say.
AWESAMDUDE:
What? No. We can’t say that word. They’ll ban us if we say that.
QUACKITY:
You keep telling yourself that.
(An uncomfortable moment. Some might call it a beat.)
AWESAMDUDE:
So, so – okay, what do you do with it?
QUACKITY:
You sit in it.
AWESAMDUDE:
Isn’t that what stairs are for?
QUACKITY:
Yeah, but see here’s the thing about stairs–kind of pointless, yeah? For this, at least. Nowhere for your arms to go, and that’s–
AWESAMDUDE:
Where did you get it?
QUACKITY:
The thing is, I had this idea. More like a vision, really. Hear me out; like stairs, but with arm things. And there was a calendar, and–
AWESAMDUDE:
What’s a calendar?
QUACKITY:
Not important. Listen, we’ve got this chair, we can get some leads, it’s a good idea, a great idea, really! We’ve got this chair and we can–
AWESAMDUDE:
Quackity, I’m not sure–
QUACKITY:
Sam, if you could stop cutting me off, that’d be fucking great. Don’t forget whose idea this was–
AWESAMDUDE:
Yours.
QUACKITY:
Don’t forget whose prison this is, then! Every time you’re dancing around, remember who’s the one pulling those levers, dispensing that lava, letting me walk in here every fucking day and do the–
AWESAMDUDE:
Quackity, we can’t get banned. What’ll happen to the server if we get banned? There’ll be nobody to watch the prison.
QUACKITY:
That’ll happen if you get banned. Let me say it, then! Who’s the one letting me do all the tort–
(Exeunt Quackity.)
AWESAMDUDE:
Oh no. Ohhhhh, no. This can’t be happening. This–
(Sam scanning the room. Makes sure he’s really alone. Checks for his keycards once. Twice.)
Okay. Okay, o--okay. Senses, Sam. Senses. This is fine. It’s--it’s--it’s fine, we’ll just go back to the way things were. That’ll be okay. Before all the--
(Enter Quackity.)
QUACKITY:
Kidding! Just kidding. Logged out. You should’ve seen the look on your face.
AWESAMDUDE:
You scared me half to death.
QUACKITY:
I’m not even live yet. You worry too much. C’mon, chop chop, let’s–
AWESAMDUDE:
That’s a lot of insults for someone who isn’t even live.
QUACKITY:
Can’t ruin things before they’ve even started. What sort of book will that get us?
AWESAMDUDE:
You and this book. All for the show.
QUACKITY:
The people love a show, Sam. C’mon, you know this.
AWESAMDUDE:
So that’s who it’s about?
QUACKITY:
No. Yes? In--in a way.
AWESAMDUDE:
It’s certainly not about you.
QUACKITY:
Are you being sarcastic?
AWESAMDUDE:
Not at all.
Sign here.
QUACKITY:
You’re changing the subject.
AWESAMDUDE:
I thought you said you wanted to hurry this up.
QUACKITY:
This is hurrying up? How come I have to sign this thing every time?
AWESAMDUDE:
It’s protocol.
QUACKITY:
It’s an assumption. It’s not necessary.
AWESAMDUDE:
I thought you loved assumptions.
QUACKITY:
Give me that.
(Clicking. Quill on paper.)
AWESAMDUDE:
Thank you.
QUACKITY:
Same as always.
AWESAMDUDE:
Right this way, then.
QUACKITY:
Same as always!
AWESAMDUDE:
Do you want things to change?
QUACKITY:
Well, I don’t entirely want to be doing this forever.
AWESAMDUDE:
You’re the one who said ‘every day’.
QUACKITY:
Only until he cracks. God, Sam, do you want to be doing this forever?
AWESAMDUDE:
There’s worse things to be doing forever. Like rotting in prison.
(Contemplating)
I made a promise. To Tommy, Tubbo, to--everyone. On the day we put him away.
No mask. Someone broke it along the way, I think. I still remember the look in his eyes.
QUACKITY:
Worst day of his life, maybe. Hopefully.
AWESAMDUDE:
It’s strange. He looked at me like it was the best.
(The clicking of a platform. The clicking of the lava flow.)
QUACKITY:
Well, you know what they say about the best day of your past.
[Pandora’s Vault. Dream, Quackity, in vivid color.]
DREAM:
There it is. Thought you’d never show up with that thing.
QUACKITY:
Dream, hate to say you’d never believe it, but–
Wait. What?
DREAM:
It’s a good chair.
What goes around comes around, y'know?
QUACKITY:
What is that supposed to mean?
DREAM:
Wouldn’t you like to know.
QUACKITY:
You’re real cocky today, aren’t you? Got some mouth on you, huh? That’s a surprise. Not every day that happens.
DREAM:
Not every day you bring a chair in here.
QUACKITY:
(Once again depositing the chair on the ground.)
Dream, you know how I feel about surprises.
DREAM:
Okay! Okay.
QUACKITY:
That’s more like it, that’s what I like to see. Get some use out of that shift key.
DREAM:
You’re not even supposed to be live today.
QUACKITY:
Well, you’re not supposed to be threatening me. Ever. I said every fucking day, Dream, what do you think I meant?
DREAM:
It’s not ‘every fucking day’ you bring a chair in–
QUACKITY:
(Advances on Dream)
Alright, that’s enough.
DREAM:
You’re--wait, wait wait, you’re live, you’re live!
QUACKITY:
Yeah, and everyone loves a good show.
DREAM:
Don’t touch me.
Don’t touch me, I’ll sit in the-- is this what you want?
QUACKITY:
You know what I want. Everything else is just--
DREAM:
Collateral.
QUACKITY:
If that’s what you want to call it.
DREAM:
Including the book?
QUACKITY:
Funny, real funny.
(Studying the chair. Studying Dream in the chair.)
That’s a start. Stand up.
DREAM:
A start? What do you mean a start?
QUACKITY:
Well, I don’t have the leads yet--
DREAM:
You’re gonna tie me down?
QUACKITY:
Well, if I just wanted to see you beneath me, I would’ve just brought a stair in here.
DREAM:
But you didn’t?
QUACKITY:
This is a chair.
DREAM:
It’s a stair with some signs on it.
QUACKITY:
I said stand up.
(Tsks.)
All that power you pretend to have. Well, see if I care. You’ll crack soon enough.
DREAM:
And you think it’s all from the book?
QUACKITY:
The only thing that gives you power. Isn’t it? That’s why you won’t give it up.
DREAM:
I could give it up.
QUACKITY:
( Laughter )
Yeah, right.
DREAM:
I could.
QUACKITY:
Why don’t you, then? We could put a nice stop to all of–
DREAM:
Because it’s not about the book, Quackity! You know it’s not about the book.
QUACKITY:
What’s it about, then?
DREAM:
It’s about the chair.
(Momentary silence. Something clicks.)
QUACKITY:
You know what–let’s go back to that. You know what this is.
DREAM:
Who do you think thought of it in the first place?
QUACKITY:
Stop. Just–fucking stop, Dream! Don’t fuck around with me.
DREAM:
I’m really not.
QUACKITY:
I had a-
DREAM:
Vision.
QUACKITY:
(Simultaneously)
Vision--
Stop it. Don’t do that.
DREAM:
What are you gonna do to me?
You’re live .
QUACKITY:
You’ve done plenty of things live.
DREAM:
Well go ahead, then. Be my guest!
QUACKITY:
You’re a bit more eager than normal, yeah?
DREAM:
Well, it’s not every day—
QUACKITY:
You wanna fucking lose a canon life?
DREAM:
No, wait, no no no--
QUACKITY:
Gotcha.
DREAM:
If you’re gonna kill me, do it!
QUACKITY:
I already told you. People love a show.
DREAM:
You’re--
How long have you been off live?
QUACKITY:
Wouldn’t you like to know.
DREAM:
You think you’re smart.
QUACKITY:
I know I’m smart.
(Momentary silence.)
DREAM:
You know, I had a–
QUACKITY:
Vision?
DREAM:
Let’s call it that.
QUACKITY:
Of a chair?
DREAM:
I didn’t know what it was, actually. Just that it looked like a stair. Didn’t think you’d put signs on the side, but hey, what goes around comes around.
QUACKITY:
Are you trying to scare me?
DREAM:
If the shoe fits.
(More than momentary silence.)
QUACKITY:
Fuck, you’re lucky I don’t cut your tongue out.
Maybe that’s what we’ll do tomorrow.
DREAM:
You can mark it off your calendar.
QUACKITY:
Huh?
DREAM:
Sorry. Are we still calling it a vision?
[Awesamdude, still behind the lectern. Quackity, enter lobby-right.]
QUACKITY:
Jesus.
That was messy.
AWESAMDUDE:
I’m gonna take that as a ‘no book’?
QUACKITY:
He was confident today, awful cocky. Don’t like that one bit.
Don’t make it a habit.
AWESAMDUDE:
Why are you looking at me when you say that?
QUACKITY:
It’s you that’s here all the time.
AWESAMDUDE:
It’s my job.
QUACKITY:
You chose it.
AWESAMDUDE:
Did I?
I mean--I did. Probably. Someone needed me to. The prison needed a guard. The server needed a prison. You needed--
Well, something.
QUACKITY:
The book.
AWESAMDUDE:
You keep telling yourself that.
QUACKITY:
Oh, not you too.
(Suddenly;)
AWESAMDUDE:
How do you know the chair was meant for Dream?
(Silence.)
QUACKITY:
Huh? What the fuck?
AWESAMDUDE:
Quackity, listen to–
QUACKITY:
What, you’re gonna let him out? God, I knew you were going soft.
AWESAMDUDE:
You saw this–this thing, in a vision. Who was sitting in it?
QUACKITY:
Sam, what the fuck are you talking about?
AWESAMDUDE:
How did you know to bring it here?
QUACKITY:
Chat, he’s going crazy.
AWESAMDUDE:
I was just thinking about--about the prison. I knew who it was for. The whole time.
Except I didn’t.
QUACKITY:
Huh?
AWESAMDUDE:
He wanted things a very certain way. I built them how he wanted it. You think I never thought to ask who it was for?
QUACKITY:
If you hadn’t noticed, he’s pretty good at keeping secrets.
AWESAMDUDE:
It’s not that, it was never that. It was like…none of us knew. Until we did. Like I’d known the whole time. And then he had the nerve to brag about it, of all things.
QUACKITY:
What does any of this have to do with the chair?
AWESAMDUDE:
Well, you do it too. I do it. We change the past all the time, Quackity.
QUACKITY:
( Touching his scar )
Yeah.
Still feels…I dunno. Weird.
But that’s different, yeah? That’s my own past.
It’s creepy. Don’t tell me it’s not creepy, Sam.
AWESAMDUDE:
Okay. I won’t tell you.
QUACKITY:
You think it’s not creepy.
AWESAMDUDE:
I think there’s a difference, is all.
QUACKITY:
Between…?
AWESAMDUDE:
Between something that’s creepy and something you just don’t like.
QUACKITY:
I don’t like things that are creepy.
AWESAMDUDE:
You don’t like a lot of things.
(A beat.)
AWESAMDUDE:
He’s not going to stop, you know. Saying those things.
QUACKITY:
Oh, he will. One day.
AWESAMDUDE:
And until then?
QUACKITY:
Well, you know me.
I’ll just edit it in post.