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everything was quiet and dark, almost peaceful. the only thing Rain was able to hear was the soft breaths of Dewdrop sleeping next to him, the quiet rustle of the leaves and the wind seeping through the window.
normally, that would have been enough to put him to sleep.
but in reality, all he could hear was the loud voices in his head, or maybe they weren't really in his head, telling him he had to run.
where, he didn't know, but he didn't feel safe. maybe he never did, maybe what he brushed off as "anxiety" wasn't really anxiety and was just reality. but he really didn't know and had no way to know: he could ask Dewdrop, but he wouldn't believe him anyway.
so he's stuck and he really doesn't know what to do. it's difficult to know what's real and what's not, he can try but he can't trust himself, or others: all he knows is that he's afraid.
afraid of Dewdrop hurting him, maybe manipulate him, maybe that's all he's doing and he's dumb enough to not realize it. Dewdrop's waiting until Rain lets his guard down to really hurt him, to push him on edge, to ruin him.
but Rain loves him.
loves him too much and doesn't really want to believe that's true, he wants to believe it's his anxiety, but what if.
tired of his thought running in circle in his head, the same questions over and over, he decides to wake Dewdrop up: not to talk about it, it's useless anyway, if he wants to hurt him he wouldn't admit it, would he? instead, he'll search for some comfort.
maybe watch a film, cuddle a bit, until Rain is too exhausted and just can't stay awake any longer. usually that helps.
Rain taps his shoulder, whispering his name, Dewdrop's a light sleeper so that should be enough, but since it isn't he tries again, tapping his cheek this time and whispering, louder this time, his name again: that works.
"what?" his voice is sleepy, he still has his eyes closed but Rain knows he won't fall asleep again: that's what he loves about him. he loves a lot of things about Dewdrop, that's his favorite one though: the way he always goes out of his way for him, he knows that if for whatever reason he can't sleep for three days straight Dewdrop would just stay awake with him. he would do anything just for Rain to be happy and comfortable.
and he feels guilty, because deep down he asks himself what if he's just trying to make me believe he loves me when he actually despise me?.
he can't even fully trust his boyfriend and he hates himself for it.
"can't sleep" he whispers, he hears some movements then the lamp is on: he squeezes his eyes shut, the light being too much after hours spent in the dark, but he opens them briefly after, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness. Dewdrop has already the laptop on his lap, opening netflix to put some random episode of their favorite show, and Rain put his head on his chest, silently asking for some cuddles.
he can still feel his thoughts, they're worse tonight than every other night, but he tries to ignore them: still, every movement that is slightly different has him thinking that something it's fundamentally wrong. that Dewdrop is angry, maybe.
but maybe is just anxiety.
maybe.
maybe not.
he's slowly starting to believe Dewdrop hates him and really wants to hurt him somehow, and that has him on alert: and he feels guilty, really.
he should trust his own boyfriend.
but he can't. and he doesn't know why.
it's not like he fully trusted anyone in his life anyway. he doesn't trust anyone, he really believes everyone hates him and wants to hurt him. sometimes he even feel like a narcissist, always thinking everyone is talking or plotting against him, but it's not something positive: it's extremely negative and gives him anxiety, also hatred sometimes.
sometimes he hates whoever is around him because he perceives them as bad people: he feels shitty about that, of course.
he lost count of the things he hates himself for.
he didn't even realize Dewdrop started the episode, playing with Rain's hair as always. he tries to pay attention, but he really can't.
he's starting to feel really uneasy.
"do you hate me?" he knows it's strange. usually he doesn't ask, if he does he has a reason: they argued or maybe Dewdrop's too much bitchy. but he can't help it, even if he won't fully believe his answer he feels like he's dying without checking.
"what? no. why?"
"nothing. just wanted to be sure" no one says anything after that, the episode being background noise because his thoughts are too loud, he doesn't quite know how to describe what's going on in his mind.
it's like someone is talking directly into his brain, telling him things. like reading someone's else thoughts, because he doesn't perceive that voice as his.
he can reply, if he wants, but it's useless: no matter how hard he tries to fight back, the voice always know what to say.
if, for example, the voice tells Rain that Dewdrop is gonna kill him, and Rain tries to argue back that it's impossible and he would never do that, the voice has always a way to back up his words: and Rain can't say anything.
whatever the voice says, it sounds right. real. it makes sense, he has no reason to not believe it.
so he stopped replying, but the voice hasn't stopped talking.
he sighs softly, and Dewdrop of course notices it.
"something's wrong?" he asks, and for whatever reason Rain feels annoyed by that question
"no, don't worry" and that's it. Dewdrop doesn't say anything, and Rain convinces himself further more that he hates him. but also, he knows that if Dewdrop pushes him into talking, he'd be annoyed.
so neither of them can win, really.
"do you hate me?" he asks again, because it doesn't matter that he doesn't believe the answer, maybe if he asks enough times he'll starts believing it.
"no, I don't. are you sure you're okay?"
"yeah"
"you're weird"
"i'm not. i'm just tired" although he knows he's a terrible liar, and Dewdrop won't believe that he's just tired, he hopes the conversation ends there. rationally, he knows it's wrong to keep those thoughts to himself because the more he doesn't talk about them the more the problem will grow, it's not like he fully believes what his brain it's telling him, he knows it's not entirely the truth and that's what it makes that scary.
because if he felt that was 100% true, he wouldn't feel the way he feels.
but he can't find a good reason to voice his problems: what can he do? nothing. it's pointless. but it's obvious that Rain hasn't really been himself lately, not only with Dewdrop but with everyone.
he always had trouble forming close relationships, always feeling too anxious around people, no matter how much time he spent with them: before joining the band, that wasn't a problem, he liked being alone. after a while, you convince yourself that you like it even if you don't.
now he feels like he has to, because he can't stay alone even if he wants to. he has to speak to others, even if he doesn't want to, and obviously they're gonna try to be friends: and he appreciates it, he really does, but the anxiety he feels and the mental exhaustion it's not worth it.
but he tried: it felt easy with Dewdrop, he had no trouble getting along with him. he felt anxious, but he's the only one he felt comfortable with. he doesn't know why, but he's glad.
Dewdrop helped him, of course, it took time but eventually he formed a somewhat close relationship with everyone. the anxiety it's still there, but after a while he learned manage it, or at least pretend.
but lately, everything feels different and everyone feels distant.
"try to sleep" Dewdrop brings him back to reality, it's weird how his mind can drift away into those thoughts in a few seconds,
"I can't"
"do you want to try something else?"
"no, it's okay" Dewdrop stops the episode anyway, and Rain lets out an annoyed sighs
"you're being weird."
"how am I being weird?" he tries to hide the fact he's annoyed, he knows Dewdrop's trying to help, but deep down it makes him angry. he doesn't even know why, Dewdrop has a point when he says Rain's weird: he is, everybody knows. it's not only tonight, it's been a few days, maybe a week, or two, he lost count.
or maybe all is normal and everyone is trying to convince him he's weird so they can manipulate him better: the more he thinks about that the more it become impossible to not fully believe it.
he's slowly losing touch with reality, but he's not in the right mental state to understand that or to stop it, he can't even stop it anyway: if he understands it's not rational, he doesn't want to believe it's not true because if he lets his guard down, then he's fucked.
at least, if he doesn't fully trust anyone around him, no one can really hurt him.
"if something is going on you can talk to me, you know that, right?"
"I just want to sleep. can we resume the episode?"
"you're a terrible liar" all Rain can feel is a strange anger, it's something he doesn't particularly feel: most of the time he doesn't feel anything at all, other times he doesn't know what he feels but it's negative. anger it's something he doesn't experience that much but, right now, he feels it and he doesn't really know why.
"i'm going to watch this on the couch, you can sleep if you want" and with that he gets up, storming out the room, the door closing behind him with a loud thud. he waits for a few seconds outside the door, not because he wants Dewdrop to follow him but because he doesn't actually know what he's doing.
all his actions are not made by him, there isn't a single part of his brain that thinks "i want to do this" before doing it, he feels like he's moving but he's not really moving because he wants it's just instinct, and he doesn't know what his instinct is telling him except to go away.
where? he doesn't know.
but if he could, if he didn't live where he lived, if he wasn't who he was, he would run away.
and maybe die, too.
the voices in his head are screaming a lot of things, and he can't quite understand all of them and it feels so confusing, but he feels this intense fear, maybe hopelessness, and he's convinced no one can help him.
he doesn't really turn on the tv once he's on the couch, he just sits there in the dark, trying to keep some sort of rationality, but he's not sure he can.
when the light turns on Dewdrop is in front of him
"what's happening? i'm worried, i just want to help you"
but how can Rain trust him?
how can Rain know that Dewdrop isn't lying and in reality all he wants to do is to hurt him?
"leave me alone" he gets up, going to the kitchen to get a glass of water, or whatever, he doesn't really know why he does the things he does. it feels like every time he moves, someone else is controlling his movements and he finds himself in some place and he doesn't even remember he wanted to go there
"please, Rain. just talk to me" before he even realized it, he was screaming. just a loud scream, and it kinda felt liberating. he still felt strange, the voices still there, everything was the same, but somehow he felt slightly better.
or maybe it was just an illusion.
"it's okay if you don't want to talk right now, but I can't leave you alone like this" Rain hates the way Dewdrop sounds nice, like he cares about him: what does he care? he doesn't. it's so obvious, and it makes him mad that he pretends. he would prefer to hear the truth rather than lies, even if the truth hurts to ear. it'd be simpler if he could just believe what Dewdrop says, let himself thinks it's all genuine and he actually cares because at that point, if he didn't actually figured out the truth, he wouldn't have a problem to begin with.
he picks up the glass from the counter, the one he picked up before, and he threw it at Dewdrop: he didn't want to hit him, it was just a warning.
maybe stupid, maybe it was too much, but he shut down the part of his brain that tells him to feel sorry: why would he feel sorry for someone that's trying to hurt him? that all those years lied and lied just to he can trick him into believing someone actually cares about him when in reality all Dewdrop cares it's having someone to manipulate. and he doesn't even know why he would want to manipulate him, but he knows he's doing it.
he tried to ignore it, he tried to talk himself out those thoughts by telling himself "it's not true, he loves you, you're just anxious".
but what if it isn't anxiety?
because he feels like the truth, and it doesn't help that all his brain is saying is that Dewdrop hates him and everyone hates him and he should die.
"okay. i'm going to sleep then, clean that up." it's all Dewdrop says, and Rain can feel he's annoyed, angry maybe, but he doesn't care. he can stay angry all he wants, it's not gonna change things.
the only things he cares about it's that he ruined what he has here: he doesn't want to stay in a place full of people that hates him and even if he wants he can't stay anymore after this night. but he cared about the band and playing, he enjoyed it, and that's the reason why he's there in the first place.
but like everything in his life it was destined to end, because he can't do anything right. and he doesn't even know why, at this point.
but he never had friends, he never had anyone, and the reason being that somehow everyone hates him: and he can pretend it's not his fault, that everyone is a piece of shit, but deep down he knows he's the problem.
he just doesn't know why he's the problem.
when he's alone in the kitchen he sits on the floor, picking up a piece of broken glass, and that's when he fears a different kind of fear: if he felt like running away before, like he needed to find somewhere safe, now he's scared for himself and of his brain.
he quickly places the piece on the floor and he goes straight to his room, which is also where Dewdrop sleeps most of the nights, if not every night, except when one of them is sick.
he slowly opens the door, it's dark but he knows Dewdrop isn't sleeping.
"do you hate me?" Rain asks quietly, like he's afraid of the answer. he is afraid of the answer.
he definitely hates him, no doubt in that, and he thought hearing the truth was better but maybe not.
all he needs now is to pretend everything it's alright for a while, he still doesn't feel okay and he feels strange but it's okay, he wants to pretend again.
"no, I don't" and Rain doesn't believe it, of course, but he sits on the bed anyway: Dewdrop turns the lights on, Rain doesn't look at him.
he can't look at him, he's scared.
of what, he doesn't entirely know.
"you should sleep" he talks nicely again, and Rain is glad. because it helps with pretending if Dewdrop is pretending too.
"I can't sleep"
"I know. maybe we can go to the hospital?" Rain looks at Dewdrop, and by the look on Dewdrop's face he must look scared, a lot
"it's okay, we don't have to go. we can find something else" Dewdrop tries to take his hand, but Rain pulls away
"do you want some tea?"
"no, i just want to stop" and even though Dewdrop doesn't understand what that means, he didn't push Rain to talk, and that made Rain feel more at easy: he still feel on edge, like something slightly wrong can lead to make things worse, but right now he takes what he has.
"i have an idea. it's a dumb one though, but apparently humans when their babies can't sleep they put them in the car and just drive around until they sleep. we can try that, if you want" it seems stupid, Rain doesn't understand how being in a car could help with sleeping, but he would do anything to get out.
maybe being outside can help.
"yes, okay. we can try"
being in the car felt strange.
it felt strange being outside, he rarely goes outside at night, except when they go out drinking something while in tour but usually they're too tired and they all return to the hotel pretty soon.
usually there are people, or cars, or someone around: but apparently at 5am there is no one, and it's so quiet it's almost scary.
it makes Rain feel strange, both in a good and bad way.
and he's so focused on how the streets are empty and what he's feeling he doesn't even realize where they are until it's too late, and he feels the panic set in.
"why are we here? i told you i don't want to be here"
"i know. but they might help you, i don't know what to do and i'm scared" and when Rain felt that something can make things worse, is this something.
he doesn't have trust in Dewdrop, or at least not fully, but he tried to trust him and even that slight of trust he had it went away.
and if he thought the worse he could feel was while in the kitchen, this is much more worse: his head is spinning, and he's panicking, and he doesn't know what to because the door doesn't open and he can't get out and run away even if he wants. he's stuck there, and he doesn't want to be, and the only thing he can do is to break down and cry.
"they might help you"
"they can't! they can't. no one can help, nothing's wrong." Rain knows everything wrong. but everything is wrong with everyone and it's not something that's fixable. they can't fix every person on the planet just because Rain doesn't like them or doesn't trust them.
"something is wrong. just try and if they can't help we can get through this together."
"they're going to hurt me. and you're going to hurt me too." and he doesn't know why he said that. but somewhere in his mind, if he's still capable of thinking on his own, he knows he has to tell how he feels even a little, otherwise Dewdrop won't understand why he can't go there
"no one is going to hurt you"
"how do you know that? you don't. stop lying" deep down, much deep, Rain feels sorry for Dewdrop. because if he really doesn't hate him or doesn't want to hurt him and he's not lying, this hurts for him.
but it's a small thought and soon it's washed away by his other thoughts and it's like that thought never existed.
there's silence for a bit, and Rain hopes that means they're going home.
"i know you're scared. and I don't know what's going on but i'm sure that being there it's safer than go back home." Dewdrop talks quietly, and it's uncharacteristic of him, he's never quiet.
and for whatever reason, that calms him down a little.
"okay"
"you wanna go inside?"
"yeah" Dewdrop nods and exit the car, closing the door behind him and opening Rain's door.
Rain takes a moment before stepping out the car, but when he does he has the impulse of running away, but he doesn't: he's still scared of looking at Dewdrop, but he does, and his heart aches a little.
and something in his brain is screaming that he's dumb because he still loves Dewdrop even after everything, that he shouldn't feel sorry for him when he's trying to hurt him, and he wants to believe that it's not true and that Dewdrop is in fact helping by bringing him there, but he doesn't fully believe it.
he doesn't know what to believe and he feels stupid.
Dewdrop tries to explain the situation to a nurse, or whoever she is, and Rain doesn't -or can't- listen. not only his brain is noisy, but the people there are making the situation worse: he hears people screaming, or crying, and he feels a lot of sounds all at once and everything is confused.
and the lights are too bright, and everything feels too much.
and before he can run away someone take his arm, gently but with a strong grip: not knowing where he's going is bringing him anxiety.
he tries to ask if Dewdrop can come, or if he would like to, but he's not sure he's actually speaking or making sense at least, and he can't quite hear the answer anyway.
it's all too loud.
for the first time ever, his brain is quiet.
everything is quiet.
the noises are normal, he feels normal.
and he's sleepy, but can't bring himself to sleep.
he's not scared anymore, or at least, he is scared but not like before: he doesn't know what will happen and that makes it scary, but he's not scared that something bad it's gonna happen. it's just the unknown that is scary.
and even though he knows it wasn't long ago, maybe half an hour ago, it feels like everything that happened it's far away and he doesn't even remember all of it.
just how he felt, his thoughts, but most of it it's like it didn't even happen: it's there, but he can't quite tell exactly what happened.
when Rain can finally see Dewdrop he feels bad: he's tired, and he can see he cried. and it's not like Dewdrop never cried in front of Rain, it's just more unique than rare. and it hurts, he never wanted to be the cause of Dewdrop's pain.
he takes a chair and places it beside his bed, and no one talks for a bit.
"do you feel better?" Dewdrop asks, and he's quiet. and, again, that isn't very Dewdrop-like.
"it's quiet"
"what's quiet?"
"everything"
"is that good?" Rain nods.
Dewdrop tries to take his hands, and Rain lets him. there's no one that screams at him now. and it feels strange to do something because you want to, and not because something told you to.
"i'm tired" Rain sighs, and he doesn't know if he means it physically or mentally or both.
"can you sleep now?" Rain nods, because he can if he wants to. it's actually difficult to stay awake anyway, and now that Dewdrop is there it's like being under some soft blankets when it's cold out and the coziness and warm lullaby you to sleep.
Rain loves when Dewdrop feels that way, and he missed it.
"you can sleep, i'll stay awake for you"
"you don't need to"
"don't worry. if something happens i'll wake you up." Dewdrop squeezes his hand and then he starts making some circles on the palm of Rain's hand with his thumb, and Rain sighs because he feels safe.
and before he know it, he's finally sleeping.