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Dan looked at Phil. His Phil. Phil has wanted this so badly. He had already devoted his entire adult life to Him, and there was nothing Dan could do to stop what came next.
Well. There was one thing. But that would be Betrayal. He couldn’t Betray.
However, Dan isn’t ready to let Phil go. Even though this is what his Phil wants so badly, he doesn’t know how to move forward without him. While Phil’s entire adult life was devoted to Him, Dan’s entire adult life was devoted to Phil. Dan would move mountains for Phil. He would do anything he asked of him in the blink of an eye, and with enthusiasm. Phil says that we all must devote not just our actions but our attitudes to Him, and Dan has never had an issue with doing that for Phil… But for Him… Sometimes he wonders if his devotion is as pure as it should be.
Dan knows Phil wonders that as well. He’s chastised Dan a number of times because he wasn’t as happy about some of their actions as Phil was, and as He needed them to be. But Dan couldn’t help it. Even if Phil wanted his body to be sacrificed in so many ways for the Harbinger, Dan still hesitated every time. His body rebelled against bringing any harm to his Phil. That was sinful of him.
Pain is love and love is pain and inducing pain was the best way to show love. Dan knew that, and yet he still hesitates.
“Dan,” Phil said sharply.
Dan’s head jerked at the sound of his beloved’s voice. “Yes.” He meant it as a question but the tone came out flat. Probably due to the stress he was under to obey both Phil and Him even though he truly did not want to do what was being asked of him.
“You need to do it without hesitation. He will know if you hesitate and then He will punish me for bringing someone unworthy and all of this will be for nothing.” Phil had that look in his eye when Dan was being particularly sinful. Dan withered under that look.
“Yes, but it’s hard-“
“Don’t you want this for me? For us? For all of the others? For Him? This is important. This is the most important thing either of us can do. You cannot mess this up.”
Dan bowed his head. Phil was right, of course. Phil is never wrong. He has such a vast understanding of the Harbinger that Dan could never rival. Sometimes the rules are complicated and seem to twist around each other and cross in seemingly inconsequential or arbitrary ways, but none of that is for Dan’s understanding. Phil is so smart, though. He understands His will.
Dan schools his face into a calm expression that Phil is most fond of. He hopes that Phil finds it beautiful today. He would love to hear him call him that, but he knows better than to expect it. Phil has only said it once.
Placidly, he blinks at Phil and starts the camera. He said the camera must roll the whole time, however they can’t film what they’re about to do. That part is sacred and private, between them. Dan’s grateful to Him for giving him at least that mercy. A moment of time together before everything changes.
Once they check the camera is rolling, Phil confidently strides into the room. This is the final stop. This is where Phil will leave Dan, willingly. Dan’s heart is beating hard, but he has to remember what this is gaining, what the end all of this is. He has to remember that Phil wants this so badly, and he’d do anything for his sweet, kind, beautiful Phil. He has to remember that Phil must love him so dearly to trust him to carry on his final wishes. Phil must even think he’s capable of handling this on his own, what could be the most important part of the entire Harbinger.
He can do it. Phil believes he can do it, so he must be able to.
He hesitates at the door. That’s exactly what Phil said not to do. Fuck. He has to have confidence as soon as he steps into the room or Phil will be disappointed in him. Fuck. Alright.
He walks in. His sweet and wonderful Phil is laying on the ground. The cold ground. He deserves something nicer. Dan doesn’t have the luxury.
He kneels at Phil’s side, lays the knife on the ground, and cradles Phil’s head in his hands. He looks so peaceful, content in a way Dan has never seen him. He kisses him softly on the lips, and then both eyelids, staying near him for a breath. He trails his free hand up Phil’s jawline and sets his head down on ground. Dan can feel the tears pricking at his eyes. He knows he’s only doing this for Phil. Not for Him, not for anyone else. That is sinful. But does it really matter? He will do everything from here on out exactly as Phil would do it, with precision and confidence. Phil wants him to, so he must.
He picks up the knife.