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Here he was – AGAIN. Jesus, can’t people just keep it in their pants? Another husband caught cheating on his wife with his secretary. Isn’t anyone original these days? When Ed became a private investigator he imagined solving cold cases, kidnappings, and disappearances. Not following the seventh guy named John, only to find him boinking Tiffany.
It was supposed to be temporary, just to start out, just to get paid. But he was good at it, dammit. To the point that now he only took high-end clients. Izzy’s idea. Every time Ed tried to take another, more interesting case, Izzy would remind him that it would take time, too much time. And now he had his own PI business where he employed a few other investigators that he had to pay. So, easy money it was.
Ed was just snapping pics of John number seven shoving his tongue down Tiffany number four’s throat when his phone vibrated. He picked it up to check his text.
Fang: Hey, boss, got a new client for you when you’re done.
Ed couldn’t help but roll his eyes. Great, another cheater.
Ed: What’s the case?
Fang: The uszh.
Of course it was. Ed texted back a thumbs-up emoji. He looked back up to see the pair of horny lovers nearly fucking against the door of their motel. Ed snapped a few more pics until the two finally opened the door and went inside. He let out a deep sigh, started the car, and headed back to the office for more of the same.
—
Fang was waiting for him in the lobby, he looked excited for some reason. Ed couldn’t imagine why.
“Hey, boss,” Fang took a manilla folder from off the reception desk and handed it to him.
“Heya, bossman,” Archie mumbled, her feet up on the desk, leaning back in her chair, picking at a hangnail. “She’s in room one.”
Ed stopped in his tracks.
“The new client?”
“Yup,” Archie popped the p.
“She’s here?” Ed needed to clarify. Spouses rarely ever came to the office. Most wanted the comfort of home to discuss such matters. Especially when he was showing them the evidence he found.
This time Archie looked up, scrunching her eyebrows, “Uh, yeah.”
Ed looked at Fang, who smiled and nodded in the direction of room one. There were only two rooms, but it sounded professional to number them. Room number two was jokingly called the “Izzy Hands Memorial Cheaters Room” despite the fact that Izzy was very much alive. It was the room the caught spouse would eventually be put in when they came to ask to spy on the spouse that had sent him to spy on them.
“Okay…” Ed said, taking the folder. He glanced at it in the short walk to the first room down the hall. All he caught was a name (Mary Bonnet) and the reason for her visit (suspected cheating). Ed knocked lightly on the door before entering. He found people were usually already a little frazzled by the time they hired him.
The woman sitting at the small table was pretty, long brown hair, dressed well, huge engagement ring. Yup, she had money. It was usually more about the money than the cheating. One spouse wanted to prove the other was cheating so they could get a boatload of money in the divorce.
“Hi, there, I’m Ed,” he stretched his hand out, “you must be Mrs. Bonnet?”
Mary took his hand, shaking it with a pretty impressively strong hand.
“Mary, please.”
The accent. Shit, she was Australian. No wonder Fang was so excited, they never got someone that close to Aotearoa.
“Australia?” Ed asked, taking a seat. That managed to get a small smile out of her.
“Sydney, yeah.”
“Aotearoa,” Ed said, pointing at himself. She smiled a little brighter, relaxed a little, more comfortable. “So how can I help you today?”
He already knew the answer.
“I think my husband is cheating.”
And there it was. Ed nodded, trying to act like he’d never heard that one before.
“Why do you think that?” Ed put pen to paper, ready to take notes.
“He’s gone all day, says he’s at work, but I know he’s not. Ever since his father died, he’s been different…just…freer? I don’t know how to describe it. Happier maybe?”
Ed looked up from his notes.
“Bad relationship with his father?” He could sympathize with that.
Mary laughed derisively, “His father was an asshole.”
Ed let out a puff of laughter. He wrote down “asshole father” on the paper and underlined it.
“When he is at home, he’s distant. I mean, he always was a bit. But he usually at least made time for the children.”
Ed looked up again. “Children?”
Fuck, he hated when kids were involved. They always got stuck in the middle of a nasty divorce, used more as pawns than actual humans.
“Yes, we have two kids. A girl, Alma, and a boy, Louis. Nine and six.”
FUCK. They were young but old enough to understand that their parents’ marriage was falling apart. Old enough to be scarred by the fallout. He wrote down the names and ages.
She took several photos out of her purse and slid them across the table. As soon as Ed looked down, his brain short-circuited. Staring back at him were the most beautiful hazel eyes, along with curly blond hair, and a smile showing just a hint of slightly crooked teeth. Ed could understand why Mary was so worried, the man probably had people falling at his feet all day, every day.
He looked through the rest of the photos. One of the blond man with two children, holding each one under his strong (bulging, muscular) arms as they giggled. A family photo with the boy, Louis, sitting on his father’s shoulders, Mary standing next to him with her daughter in her arms. A wedding photo. Nothing particularly off about it to the untrained eye, but Ed’s eyes were very trained. He could make out just the smallest hint of rose in Mary’s cheeks, her face a little rounder. Her stomach bumped out ever so slightly.
Ed filed that away for later. He slid the photos back to Mary and continued on his mental list of questions.
“And what’s your husband’s name?”
“Stede. His name is Stede.”
–
Half an hour later, Ed escorted Mary out of the office and to her car.
“I have to finish up with a client tonight,” he said as he opened her car door for her, “but I’ll start first thing in the morning.”
Mary took a deep breath. She had that same already defeated look on her face that everyone had when they came to him with their suspicions.
“Thank you, it actually felt really good to talk to someone about this,” Mary said with a soft, sad smile. Ed nodded in understanding. Most people seemed to feel that way.
“Glad I could help. Sort of.”
That got a laugh out of her. She ducked into her car and he shut the door for her, waving as she drove away. Ed felt sad for her, but also, strangely, felt sad for Stede. It sounded like he had a shit life, even with all that money. His father was verbally – and Mary suspected physically – abusive. He didn’t have many friends and had been bullied in his youth. Not that he talked about it much, according to Mary. But she’d gleaned enough.
Apparently, his father had been so sure Stede would never find a spouse on his own that he set him up with Mary, who was the daughter of the wealthiest family they knew. Mary didn’t say what happened, exactly, only that their parents and circumstance had “forced their hand” to marry. Ed figured it had something to do with the bump in the wedding photo.
“Good case, boss?” Fang asked when Ed walked back into the lobby.
“Nah,” Archie answered for him as she typed in all of Mary’s info into their system, “just more cheating. It’s always cheating.” She sounded as bored as he felt.
“Well, it’s kinda cool the husband is from Aotearoa,” Fang shrugged. Ed stopped in his tracks, already halfway to his office. He turned around slowly to face Fang.
“What?” Ed asked.
“The husband, Stede, he’s from New Zealand,” Archie answered for Fang. She had a tendency to do that.
Had Ed completely missed that? Shit, maybe he was slipping. He reached over the desk to grab at the file, glancing through it. No, Mary hadn’t mentioned that.
“She told you that?” Ed asked Fang, who nodded. So that’s why he was so excited earlier. Ed looked down to where the man’s photo was papercliped inside the folder. Ed swallowed hard and tried to go back to his other case, but his head was filled with blond hair and a crooked smile.
–
Ed woke nice and early the next day. Mary said that Stede usually left the house at 7 am and Ed wanted to be waiting to follow him. He brewed some coffee, put together his usual PB&J sandwich for lunch, and grabbed his tumbler of cold water he left in the fridge the night before.
He made it to the Bonnet house by 6:50. He waited, sipping some coffee, eyes locked on the front of the house. His parking spot across the street gave him a generous view. It was a beautiful house. Three-story, Victorian, with several windowboxes of flowers, and a stoop full of plants Ed couldn’t even begin to name.
The door to the house opened at exactly 7 am. Stede was nothing if not punctual, Mary had said. Ed started the car, watching as Stede got into his own – a Rolls-Royce, of course, because the man was fuck-off rich – and followed close behind.
Already, he knew Mary was right. She’d given Ed the address to Stede’s work and he’d looked it up on a map the night before – a real estate company called Bonnet Realty. And this was most definitely not the way to go to get there. In fact, it was in the exact opposite direction. This might be over sooner than Ed anticipated. He was strangely a little sad about that fact.
Soon enough, Stede pulled into a parking lot, Ed following a few seconds later. He parked several rows away, grabbed his camera, and got out of his car. In the distance, he could see shining blond hair, like the sun guiding him. Ed tried to tread as carefully as he could, not wanting the sound of his steps to give him away.
Suddenly, he saw Stede wave to someone. He readied his camera and hid behind the closest car. Stede was approaching a young man, but he was too far to hear them. This wouldn’t be the first time he trailed a supposedly straight man only to find out he was fucking another man. But for some reason, this time it made Ed’s chest heat and heart flutter.
He shook himself, bringing his camera up to look through the viewfinder. He readied his finger on the shutter button. The man Stede met was young, probably half Stede’s age with brown hair and a rather magnificent beard that was about the same length as Ed’s own.
Maybe Stede likes men with beards , Ed’s mind unhelpfully supplied.
“Shut up,” Ed whispered to his own brain.
Ed watched. Ed waited. But nothing. The men didn’t hug, didn’t kiss, didn’t palm each other through their clothes. They stood a respectful, but familiar, distance apart. Mary mentioned that Stede had a personal assistant, a young man. This must be him. So already, Stede was bucking the normal trend. Because there was definitely nothing going on there.
Eventually, the two men started walking out of the parking lot, Ed quickly followed after them. They chatted back and forth, but Ed was still too far away to hear them. But then they stopped. In front of…a ship?? On land?? In the middle of the city??
“What the fuck?” Ed whispered out loud. The ship was a small one, but it was made to look like one of those old tall ships. It even had a mast with a sail and…several flags? One with…was that a cat?? WHAT THE FUCK WAS HAPPENING?
There was a wooden door on the port side of the bow and as Ed got closer he saw another directly across on the starboard side. The men stepped through the door marked “entrance” and Ed could hazard to guess the other was the “exit.” Ed noticed several people looking up so he followed their gaze to find on the front of the bow was a fucking UNICORN. It stood high above the sidewalk, people walked under it, children stared up in wonder, many took pictures, some even curious enough to go inside.
And dammit, Ed was more than a little curious.
–
A bell jingled softly as he stepped inside. And was met with…plants? Just rows and stacks and beds of plants. Flowers. Trees? There were whole-ass trees in here. What the dick was this place?
“Hello there,” a sweet voice said from behind him. Ed knew who it was by the Kiwi accent. Shit.
Ed turned around and sure enough, there was Stede, hanging his jacket on a coat stand that looked like an upside-down anchor. Because it was an upside-down anchor. Like, a real one. From a real ship.
“Hi?” Ed couldn’t help the confusion in his voice. Stede laughed like he was used to the reaction.
“I know, it’s a bit…much,” Stede said and walked a little closer to Ed. God, his eyes were even better in person. Blue and brown and gold and…was that a little bit of green?
“Much?” Ed laughed and Stede’s face fell a little. “Mate, this is fucking insane.”
“Oh, well, it’s…” Stede stumbled, eyes falling away, face a little red, frowning.
“No, no, I mean that in the best way possible,” Ed assured him. Stede’s gaze came back up and so did his lips. Ed could just see those teeth, the sharp incisors.
“Really?” Stede asked. Ed looked around again. There were plants hanging from the damn ceiling, attached to it by rope. There was a mast on top of one of the shelves, with more flags.
“This is fucking awesome,” Ed whispered in sheer delight. He’d never seen anything quite like it. He turned back to Stede, giving him a quick once over. He wore a turquoise sports coat over a white dress shirt, the top two buttons undone, and matching turquoise slacks. He had a pocket square, for god’s sake, printed with green leaves and little frogs.
Ed might be in love.
“Are you a photographer?” Stede suddenly asked. Ed was taken aback a little. What would give him that idea? Oh, wait. He still had his camera hanging around his neck. Ed nervously took the camera in hand.
“I dabble,” Ed replied.
“Well, I’ve been looking for someone to take pictures of the shop, for the website,” Stede said, gesturing around said shop. “I’m not sure if you’d be interested.”
“Yes,” Ed said a little too quickly.
“Great!” Stede replied, a little too loudly. Several heads swiveled in their direction. Ed could see the young PA whispering to another man; bald, wearing a vest that looked like the sleeves had been ripped off of it. Why? Why not just buy a regular vest? But before Ed could dwell on it, Stede stepped closer, holding out his hand.
“I’m Stede.”
I know , Ed’s traitorous brain whispered.
Shut up , Ed mentally growled back.
“Ed,” Ed answered and took Stede’s warm, soft, strong hand.
–
So that’s how Ed ended up taking pictures of plants instead of a husband cheating on his wife. He supposed Mary would be happy to know. And Ed kept having to remind himself of Mary. Every time Stede leaned in close or turned a plant to its “good side” or helped a customer or spoke to one of his workers.
He’s a married man. He’s a married man. He’s a married man with kids, for fuck’s sake! Don’t be the Tiffany!
It didn’t really help. Every second that ticked by made Ed feel like he’d be the reason Stede would become a cheater. It was difficult to parse whether Stede was flirting or just nice, though. If his eyes really shone with a different light when he looked at Ed or if that was just Ed’s imagination.
When Stede learned that all Ed had for lunch was a sandwich, he flat-out refused to let that stand. He ordered in Greek for the two of them. Ed asked about “the crew” (as Stede called his workers), but apparently, it was everyone for themselves since they could never all agree on what to eat.
So they ate together in the back of the shop…ship…whatever. Ed could feel the eyes of the various crew on them, whispering. But honestly, he didn’t really care, not when he was making Stede laugh.
“What do you do for work, Ed?” Stede asked as they finished their meal.
Fuck. Should he tell the truth? He should . But he can’t seem to make himself do it, afraid that Stede will hate him and never speak to him again. Maybe part of the truth would suffice.
“I’m a private investigator,” Ed finally responded. Stede’s face lit up in excitement.
“Oh, that sounds like fun!”
Ed looked around the lunchroom, which was designed to look like the galley and mess of a ship.
“Not as fun as this.”
After lunch, Ed kept taking pictures. He told Stede about his own shit father, which led to Stede telling him things that he doubt Mary even knew about Stede’s dad. Things that made Ed want to find where the man was buried and piss all over his grave. They talked and talked and laughed, well after Ed had taken pictures of every inch of the ship and its inhabitants.
–
“You want me to lock up, boss?” One of the crew asked on his way to the exit. Ed was pulled out of a reverie he hadn’t even realized he’d been in. It must be late. He checked his watch. Yup, late.
“No, thank you, Olu, I’ll do it,” Stede smiled and sent Ed a sidelong glance. Olu nodded like he understood some unsaid thing.
“Have fun, Captain,” one of the other crew, Jim, said, smiling as they joined Olu near the door. They sent a wink over their shoulder to Stede – who ducked his face to hide the blush – and turned off the neon “open” sign that sat in one of the portside windows.
With a swish of the exit door, they were both gone. Stede and Ed were alone. They looked at each other and smiled. Fuck, Ed should leave before he did something stupid.
So he stayed.
And did something stupid.
–
The lock clicked into place. Stede looked up from it, blushing.
“I have to lock that one,” he pointed to the exit door behind him, “from the outside.”
Ed nodded. He was nervous. Shit, when was the last time he was nervous to be alone with someone?
Well, he is married , he tried to remind himself. Again.
Stede walked toward him and Ed couldn’t tear his eyes away. Stede had taken off the jacket earlier and had rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt, so his strong forearms were bare. Jesus, Ed wanted to lick them, bite them, have them hold him down.
“Um…” Stede stopped just shy of Ed, “thank you for taking those.” He nodded to the camera that sat on one of the shelves nearby. Stede took a step closer. Ed felt his heart ratchet up, beating furiously. He could damn near hear it in his own ears. He was sure Stede could hear it, too.
“Not a problem,” Ed replied. “It was fun.”
It was. Ed never really cared about plants before but hearing Stede talk about them, recite back the names in Latin, throw out some random facts. It was…hot? Somehow.
Ed took a step closer.
They were close. Too close. Ed could make out every little fleck of color in Stede’s eyes, smell the man’s cologne.
“Ed, I should-”
But Ed knew what he was about to say. He would tell him what Ed already knew, that he was married, that he loved his wife, doted on his children.
Ed couldn’t bear to hear it.
So he was stupid instead.
He grabbed Stede by his open collar and pulled him in, lips crashing together. Stede made a startled little noise that Ed swallowed up. Stede seemed to hesitate at first but returned the kiss. Stede’s fingers slid up the side of Ed’s neck, wrapped around the base of his skull, held him dearly. Ed felt a burst of warmth in his chest.
Fuck.
Ed reluctantly pulled away. He opened his mouth to tell Stede the truth, like he should have done hours ago, but Stede spoke first.
“I’m gay.”
He didn’t sound surprised, exactly. But he didn’t sound too sure either. Like he’d known somewhere, deep down, but never realized it.
Ed swallowed.
“Your wife hired me to follow you,” Ed blurted out. Stede’s eyebrows furrowed together, his forehead wrinkled in confusion.
“I’m sorry?”
“I told you, I’m a PI. Your wife hired me yesterday because she thought you were cheating.”
Stede pulled away, his hands falling back to his sides.
No, no, no, no, no.
Now that Ed’s felt Stede’s touch, his kiss, he’s not sure he could live without it.
“Mary?” Stede asked. Ed nodded slowly. “Hired you?” Ed nodded again. “Because she thought I was having an affair?”
Ed nodded again, scared now. He royally fucked this up. He should have just told Stede. The blond took a step back, walked in a small circle. Stopped. And then started laughing. Big, heaving belly laughs
Ed wasn’t sure if he should join or not, but then Stede was back, his arms around Ed’s neck, bringing him in close.
“I might have to thank her,” Stede whispered in his ear.
–
Ed paced back and forth through the lobby of his office building. Mary was already here, he’d led her to room one and left her there with a “be back in a minute.” She seemed worried, her forehead creased, her eyes sad.
This wouldn’t be easy.
The front door opened and Stede walked inside. He was a vision in a green jacket with gold trim, a white undershirt, and jeans. Tight jeans. Ed couldn’t help but smile. He’s never been so happy to see a marriage end. He probably still shouldn’t be. He just hoped Mary wouldn’t take it too hard.
“Hi,” Stede whispered, eyes darting to Archie, who sat staring at them intently, smiling knowingly.
“Hey,” Ed answered. Stede’s eyes came back to him. In his chest, Ed could feel his heart ache, flutter, summersault. They smiled at one another, not losing eye contact, the air felt heady around them.
“Jesus, just fuck already,” Archie said, breaking their little bubble. Stede went beet red but gave a small half smile.
“You ready?” Ed asked, taking Stede’s hand. Stede nodded and they walked together to the room where Mary waited.
She was definitely surprised to see Stede, that’s for sure. Her eyebrows disappeared behind her bangs.
“Stede?” She looked from him to Ed. Neither of them said anything but sat down in the two seats across the table from her. “What’s going on?”
“Well,” Stede began, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Okay?” Mary asked, confused. “What’s the good news?”
“I wasn’t cheating on you,” Stede said, hands rubbing against the table nervously. Mary’s response was…interesting. She didn’t look exactly relieved.
“And the bad news?”
Stede took a deep breath. He looked to Ed, who nodded, before reaching over and taking one of Ed’s hands in his.
“I am now.”
Mary sat there for a moment in silence. Looking at their clasped hands, to Stede, to Ed, back to their hands. When all of a sudden she let out a breath, her shoulders slumped. And then she said something Ed really wasn’t expecting.
“Oh, thank God!”
“What?” both Ed and Stede said at the same time. Mary was smiling now, genuinely, brightly smiling. She reached across the table and motioned for Stede’s free hand, which he gave her.
“Stede, I’ve been in love with my painting instructor for the last six months.”
“What?!” Stede squeaked out. “Doug?”
“Yeah,” she was still smiling, “nothing’s happened. Well, not nothing but not, y’know, sex.”
Stede sat for a moment staring off, face going between confusion and relief. He didn’t seem quite capable of words yet.
“Why did you hire me, then?” Ed asked, also pretty confused.
“Because I really did think Stede was cheating!” She answered. “I was hoping if he was, Doug and I could be together.”
“Oh,” Stede whispered out, still staring off. Finally, he looked back at her. “So you aren’t mad at us?”
Us! Ed’s brain screamed. They were an us.
“No, no, of course not! I’m so happy for you, Stede,” she squeezed his hand. “It’s been over for us for a while. And I…well, I kinda knew you were…” she looked over to Ed and smiled softly.
This was by and far the strangest meeting with a client Ed had ever had.
–
Stede and Ed waved goodbye to Mary as she drove off to, well, file for divorce. Then probably to fuck her painting instructor senseless. She hadn’t told them that, but Ed could guess it was probably on the list. Once the car was out of sight, Stede turned his whole body into Ed’s, pressing up warmly to his side.
“Well, that went better than we could have hoped for,” Stede laughed. It only lasted for a second before worry creased his beautiful face. “I hope the kids take it as well.”
Kids. That’s right, Stede had kids. Ed had never dated a man with kids before. Stede told him that’s why he and Mary had gotten married; she was four months pregnant and both of their parents were quite old-fashioned. Apparently, their fathers were both so old-fashioned they expected a son to be born, so he and Mary had tried again, this time “getting it right” as Stede’s father had said.
But Stede loved his kids. That’s the only reason he stayed with Mary so long. The reason she stayed with him, too. Ed was sure he’d like them. And he hoped more than anything they would like him. Because he’s pretty goddamn sure he’s gonna marry their dad.
“They’ll be happy when they realize you and Mary are happy,” Ed said, running his fingers through Stede’s soft curls.
“Well,” Stede smiled up at him, bright and beautiful, “it’s a good thing what makes Stede happy is you.”
He leaned up to press a kiss to Ed’s lips and Ed felt something bloom inside of him, something he’d never felt before.
“You make Ed happy.”
Stede laughed against his lips before pressing a kiss there again. Ed tilted his head just slightly and pressed his tongue against Stede’s lower lip. There was a small intake of breath before Stede opened his mouth and let his tongue slide against Ed’s.
They jumped apart as they heard catcalling and a banging sound. They both turned to find Archie and Fang at the door of the office, cheering them on, hands banging against the glass door. Ed flipped them off as Izzy pulled them away, and back to work, sending a glare toward Ed. No doubt he thought this whole thing was very unprofessional.
Ed didn’t honestly care. Come tomorrow he’d take whatever case he wanted. Or leave the business to Izzy and become a doting plant dad. Or open an inn or something. Whatever. Didn’t matter. As long as Stede was there with him.
Ed and Stede burst out into giggles. Ed cradled Stede’s face in his hands, so far gone that he’d never find his way back, never wanted to. He landed one last kiss.
“Now,” Ed announced, “you’ve GOT to tell me what the fuck is up with that ship.”
Stede looked very excited, “It’s a pirate ship!”
As they walked back in Stede regaled him with his boyhood fixation with pirates, and as they got their coats he talked about his love of the sea, and as they drove to Ed’s apartment he talked about all his plants, Ed’s hand on his knee. Ed could listen to Stede talk for hours, but as soon as his apartment door shut behind them, he found a much better use for his mouth than talking.