Work Text:
if you would let me give you pinky promise kisses,
then i wouldn't have to scream your name
atop of every roof in the city of my heart.
if i could see you, once more to see you.
if i could see you.
once more to see you.
and i can tell when they're sick.
sick of me.
i can sense their disappointment.
their pity.
yet it's nothing worth crying about,
but rather,
to relapse for,
and it's what they want.
and it's what i want.
they know what's best for me.
and they know what i want.
and to all those who wish me death,
well,
you're certainly getting me there.
but i thank you,
for the encouragement.
because one day,
then you'll be proud of me.
i'll make sure that day is soon.
just for you.
sing the chords.
tell me how they sound.
you're my music box for the graveyard.
make it your own, or take from me.
but tonight i let you.
tonight the dawn is yours.
and from tonight and on,
it's yours.
do with it what you will.
and to the outsiders it's all confusion.
it's all a wordless blur, as i read homer's odyssey,
with no recollection of any of it.
and to the outsiders it's all confusion.
they wouldn't be able to tell,
words from letters,
letters from numbers,
hate from love,
or love from me to you.
to tell you i love you is an understatement.
but you know that i don't have the words for it.
i was never the best at explaining to you.
but you still knew.
and all i say is i love you, unable to comprehend basic adjectives,
to tell you to believe me.
and you know.
and you still know.
you always know.
but it's all a pain to tell,
all a pain to see.
and that's all they'll know.
that's all anyone will ever know.
but you?
oh, no, not you.
you'll know everything but a pain to tell or see.
it's a story heartbreaking to utter but it brings you joy,
because you know i am at peace,
out of the cruel, god-fucking-forbidden world,
and that's how i'll stay until you join me.
and how i miss you badly and wish you were here,
don't join me now.
live the life i wanted you to.
live the life i want you to.
don't push,
don't pull,
just accompany me in this life hereafter,
once you've outlived yours.
and it's not that you should.
early, at least.
live it to your fullest,
and once you have, i'll be here awaiting you.
do you hear what they say?
about us?
'disgusting', they'd say,
'horrendous', i'll hear,
'outrageous', you listen.
and it's a pain.
i don't ever understand how one can't accept it.
but you,
you fight back.
a tiger.
it's you, and you tell each to fuck off,
whilst i sit in a corner, silently wishing
that i was dead.
i don't understand why you love me,
or at all how.
for all i am,
is just a hollow mannequin,
dressed in black and bleeding with scars.
feeling left long gone, yet all that stays is hurt, pain, anger,
the comfort of drowning in its sorrows.
but there's a quivering light,
so, so dim, yet slowly lighting.
for you.
and it is love.
just for you.
and none other.
the light stays flickering, gentle and alarming.
remembrance of a wish i made long ago.
for you to love me.
to care for me.
to hold me close, tight.
to keep me safe.
and it's exactly how i wished it would be.
until,
i spiral.
but i have,
i spiraled.
it got worse,
and all i could do was stand there.
stand there and pray for it all to dissipate.
to leave me alone.
and it never did.
so i still stood.
stood tall.
until i decided it was time to stand higher.
which meant hanging myself.
so if that works out just fine,
then i would be in your arms again.
after all these years,
i can finally gain your touch.
but don't feel guilty.
hanging myself wasn't just for me,
it was for you.
i apologize.
for making you suffer through my suffering.
for making you deal with me.
for making you have to ever know me,
acknowledge my existence.
and i'm still apologizing in the grave,
because since i died,
you will know me.
i won't leave your thoughts.
and i wish i didn't have to be in your head all the time.
but it makes me happy to know someone is still there.
so,
i love you for that.
i love you for everything.
i love you.
you.
always you.
never anyone else,
but you.