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Zoro becomes aware that his captain's draped haphazardly across his chest and stomach long before he's fully awake, but he doesn't register the horrid flavor clinging to his tongue until he blinks open bleary eyes to find himself staring up at the Adam wood ceiling. Oh, fuckin' GROSS! What the actual hell? It tastes like a sea king shit in my mouth! Or maybe just straight-up crawled in there 'n DIED while I was asleep…
"Gimme five m'minutes," Luffy whines sleepily as the swordsman shifts him aside, watching with amusement as the younger pirate burrows beneath the blankets and soon resumes his faint snoring.
Despite his disgust over his own morning breath, Zoro can't help smiling as he ruffles the tuft of dark, unruly hair that's left sticking out from the tangle of bedding. He's seriously tempted to rejoin his boyfriend under the covers- especially since he knows damn well that Luffy's not wearing a stitch of clothing- but he's missed far too many morning exercise routines thanks to that Enies Lobby insanity, and he also wants to check out this new gym that Franky's promised he'll find in the crow's nest.
Swinging his legs over the side of the bunk, he drops to the floor below, stifling a yawn and stretching his arms over his head. He's surprised to see that Usopp's bunk is empty; the sniper's usually only up and about shortly before Luffy. Maybe we slept longer than I thought? Casting his gaze about in search of his haramaki, he eventually spots it dangling from the head of the axe mounted to the wall and snorts at his vague recollection of Luffy wrestling the thing down his thighs and then shooting it across the room like one of Usopp's rubber bands when they'd tumbled into bed together the night before.
He's in the process of plucking the garment free, cursing under his breath to avoid disturbing his sleeping lover as he accidentally rips a small hole in the fabric trying to tug it off the axe head's upper point, when a monstrous bolt of pain stabs through his temple. He staggers, losing his balance, and crashes into the storage lockers forcefully enough to dent one of the doors.
"I didn't eat that meat, Sanji, I SWEAR!" Luffy shrieks, shooting upright and clawing the blanket off his head to reveal the panic-stricken expression on his sheet-creased face. Hands raised, palms held out defensively, the captain blinks down at his startled swordsman with wide, unfocused eyes... and then promptly flops over backwards out of sight. A few seconds later, faint snores once again begin drifting out of the upper bunk.
Zoro shakes his head, rubbing his bruised elbow. Then he eyes the damaged locker and grimaces. Franky's obviously poured far too much of his heart and soul into this ship to take kindly to people wrecking it, but then he realizes it's the unit the cook claimed… and suddenly doesn't feel quite so guilty. Pervert's probably got the damn thing stuffed full of nothin' but porn mags already anyway.
He dresses slowly, stubbornly ignoring the way his head continues to throb while he sits on the sunken table to pull on his trousers and then scours the floor for a t-shirt that's relatively clean-looking and also passes the sniff test.
When the swordsman eventually steps outside the men's quarters and pulls the door shut behind him, he's taken aback to see the sun's almost directly overhead- which means it's a hell of a lot later than he'd guessed. And if that wasn't disconcerting enough, it's only as he's wandering across the lawn deck in the direction of the dining hall that it dawns on him… there's grass tickling the soles of his feet. His BARE feet. Which means his boots are still laying back there on the carpet below the bunk he'd shared with Luffy.
“So the marimo finally rolled out of bed," remarks an irritatingly familiar voice just as he's about to reverse directions and plod back across the lawn. "I was starting to wonder if we needed to open the door so it'd find its way out of the dark.”
“Shut up," Zoro grumbles, sounding slightly less hostile than usual because his head's still killing him, and the bright light isn't helping. They must be passing a summer current, because it's also uncomfortably warm, and at this point, he's not looking forward to climbing up to the crow's nest, let alone doing his normal weight lifting routine. "Oi, cook- what time is it?”
"You idiots missed breakfast and lunch," Sanji grumbles as he leans back on his elbow against the Sunny's railing, rolling his cigarette between his fingers, and Zoro wonders how the hell he can stand wearing that hideous suit in this weather.
"Shit." The swordsman scowls as he joins the cook and peers out across the Grand Line, which seems relatively sedate for a change, and although he'll never admit it, he's glad, because he's getting a little tired of killer waves and rampaging sea trains. They all need a chance to kick back, relax and recover from the shit they've just been through.
He sneezes suddenly, his eyes and nose itching- and realizes that Sanji reeks. He's not sure he's ever reacted quite this strongly to the odor of tobacco before, but the man smells like a goddamn ashtray, and it's making his guts roil uneasily. "Oi- get that fuckin' thing outta my face."
"Woke up on the wrong side of the bunk this afternoon?" Sanji inquires pointedly. And proceeds to deliberately blow a lungful of smoke into the swordsman's face, smirking when other pirate fans at the air with both hands, coughing and looking disgusted. The smile on the cook's face abruptly vanishes, however, when Zoro blanches- and then seizes the railing to lean out and vomit over the side so violently that the blonde's forced to lunge forward and grab him by the collar to prevent him from tumbling overboard along with the contents of his stomach.
“JEEZ, Marimo, you must have one HELL of a hangover," he tells the swordsman, who's too busy wiping his face on his shirt front and trying not to start retching again to notice the hand still resting on his back. "I know we all got a little smashed last night, but at least I can still remember how many mugs I drank."
Zoro glares at him with watering eyes and spits phlegm over the railing. His digestive tract protests noisily in response to the odors of smoke and seafood clinging to the cook, and he sits down suddenly, yanking Sanji off balance. "I don't get hangovers. It's YOU, dartboard brow- you fuckin' stink." His gut lurches again and he rocks forward, putting his head between his knees and struggling to keep his breathing deep and even because he really doesn't want to throw up again, not in front of this asshole.
Sanji watches him uneasily. He knows Zoro drank a hell of a lot yesterday evening - they all did, celebrating Robin's rescue and Usopp's return and the addition of their newest, possibly most unique crew member yet - but he's fairly certain he's seen the swordsman drink just as much before. And he hates to admit that Zoro's right, but he can't remember ever seeing the man this ill in the past. Bleeding and half-dead from injuries, yes- but hacking up a lung over a little cigarette smoke? Certainly not.
“... maybe I should go get Chopper…”
“Don't bother. I'm fine.”
“Oi. Marimo. You just projectile vomited like you were trying to set a distance record. There's obviously something wrong," the cook insists. "I'll go find him.”
“I said forget it!” Zoro growls, taking a swing at him.
When his fist connects with the shin Sanji's raised to block it, the blonde finds himself even more alarmed when he realizes there's barely any force behind the blow. His body tries to react automatically to being attacked, foot lifting higher to kick the green-haired bastard in the shoulder or maybe even the head, but he restrains himself and leans down for a closer look- and that's when he sees the beads of perspiration clinging to the swordsman's face and arms. “You idiot! Can't you tell when you're sick?”
xxx
It takes Sanji nearly fifteen minutes to track down the doctor because they're all still learning the layout of the new ship. After he finally locates Chopper exploring the library that also serves as an observation and map room, he returns to the lawn deck with the anxious reindeer in tow… and finds Zoro curled in a fetal position in the grass, one arm tucked over his eyes to block the sun.
Nami's standing nearby, the expression on her face vacillating between disgust and concern. “Watch where you step, you guys. He almost got my feet when he puked just now…”
Skirting the vomit- little more than a puddle of watery bile that's quickly disappearing into the sod- Chopper lays a hoof on the swordsman's shoulder. "Zoro?"
“Oi, what's goin' on?" Usopp calls down from the deck atop the dining hall, his attention drawn to the crowd forming on the lawn. "There somethin' wrong with Zoro?”
“Looks like this dumbass caught the flu," Sanji hollers back. He nudges Zoro's prone figure in the lower spine with the tip of his shoe. "You better not be contagious. If Nami-san or Robin-chan catch it, I'll kick your ass.”
“... 'm not sick," Zoro mumbles, rolling over onto his back but keeping his arm draped over his eyes. "Just felt like takin' a nap...”
“You almost threw up on me!” Nami huffs.
Chopper, who's been poking and prodding at his reluctant patient and ignoring the swordsman's muffled protests, sits back and looks up at the others. "His temperature's definitely elevated, but I won't know more until we get him to the infirmary."
“Franky, can you lend us a hand with this moron?”
The shipwright, who's poked his head out the aquarium bar door to see what's going on, strolls out to join them, his open shirt flapping. "Sure thing, eyebrow-bro. I've gotcha covered."
“... could you please, PLEASE stop calling me that?”
Ignoring the blonde's grimace, Franky kneels down and rather unceremoniously scoops up the unsuspecting swordsman in his massive arms. "Up you go!"
"O-OI! Put me the fuck down!" Zoro barks, arms and legs flailing wildly as soon as he realizes what's happened. Sanji grins, evidently enjoying his discomfort, although he's sure the cook would react the same way to being manhandled like this- if not even MORE dramatically. Because while Franky really is a super- to use the shipwright's own word- nakama for giving them such an incredible ship, the first mate can't help finding that bulging thong and those hairy bare legs pretty damn disturbing when the guy's cradling him bridal-style.
“Chill out, haramaki-guy! I don't wanna drop you on your spiky green noggin.”
“I'm sure you wouldn't hurt anything if you did," Nami says dryly. She turns to Sanji. "Wake Luffy up if he hasn't gotten out of bed yet and let him know what's going on so he doesn't tear the ship apart looking for Zoro." She hesitates. "Actually... on second thought, maybe you ought to just bring him straight to the infirmary, because I just KNOW he wasn't paying attention when Franky gave us the tour…"
"The infirmary's this way!" Chopper announces, too distracted by his concern for his patient to remember that Franky's well aware of the room's location, given he DESIGNED the ship, but the shipwright doesn't protest. He just grins and tells their diminutive physician to lead the way, ignoring Zoro's violent but ultimately futile efforts to escape his arms.
“Just so you know," the swordsman hisses up at him, face blazing nearly crimson with humiliation as he's carried towards the stairs leading to the upper decks of the stern, "-if I gotta puke again, I'm gonna make sure I do it on you!”
xxx
Much to Chopper's relief, once he eventually succeeds in popping a thermometer into Zoro's mouth- and convincing him to let it stay there long enough to show accurate results- he discovers that while the green-haired pirate's temperature is certainly a few degrees higher than normal, it's not elevated enough to constitute a true medical emergency. It’s nothing but a low-grade fever that's likely to resolve with time and rest, and so once he's been liberally dosed with anti-nausea medicine, Zoro's free to make a hasty retreat after assuring the stern-faced Zoan that he'll try to eat something light before returning to bed.
The idea of LOOKING at food let alone putting any in his stomach is so unappealing, however, that he's tempted to slink straight past the kitchen counter without stopping… but Chopper's watching through the open door between the infirmary and dining hall… and he HAS made a promise… so when the cook shoves a plate containing two pieces of dry toast at him, he reluctantly chokes them down.
Luffy stumbles in just as he's finishing the second slice. Red-eyed and pale-faced and complaining that his head hurts- because unlike Zoro, he actually IS slightly hung-over despite drinking far, far less- the younger pirate looks and sounds so pathetic that he's able to wheedle a pre-dinner snack out of Sanji. Although once he realizes he'll be forced to prepare said snack with the rubber man clinging around his neck and hanging off his shoulders while whining loudly about how he's not merely STARVING but also WASTING AWAY, the blonde's soon muttering rather adamantly under his breath about never allowing their captain to consume ANY amount of alcohol ever again.
Zoro skulks out long before he's finished cooking, because the scent of frying rice and seafood wafting across the hall from the pan on the stove is causing his stomach to churn something awful. Whatever Chopper gave him isn't doing shit, and if the smell alone's getting to him this badly, he KNOWS he's going to lose his shit and throw up again if he stays long enough to watch Luffy start shoveling all that food into his face.
And so he returns to the men's quarters, claiming one of the couches after deciding he's too exhausted to climb back into the top bunk, and it doesn't take long before he falls asleep lying on his side and curled around a pillow clutched against his still-protesting belly.
He's woken an indeterminate amount of time later by the door banging shut behind Luffy, who's just hurried inside. Evidently so eager to check on his first mate that he hasn't bothered to finish chewing before rushing over from the dining hall, given he's sporting chipmunk cheeks bulging with shrimp fried rice- which he scatters in all directions when he attempts to join Zoro on the couch.
Thankfully he's thwarted by Chopper, who's turned up to make sure his patient is indeed resting as instructed and quickly intervenes when he sees the swordsman doesn't have the energy necessary for preventing their enthusiastic captain from clambering all over him.
Upon finding himself temporarily banned from the men's quarters, Luffy spends the evening haunting the kitchen and repeatedly getting in Sanji's way until the cook kicks him out of the dining hall as well.
Largely oblivious to the mayhem being caused by his bored and slightly anxious boyfriend, Zoro ends up sleeping through dinner, too drowsy to respond with more than half-hearted grumbles when various crewmates take turns trying to coax him off the couch and out to the dining hall. Once it's time for the other men to turn in for the night, however, he's wide awake- and no one's happy about it. Not Zoro, who's restless to the point of irritability but still feeling too poorly to go check out the crow's nest, and certainly not his tired nakama, whom he's preventing from falling asleep.
Over Chopper's aggrieved protests, Sanji eventually chases their cranky first mate outside, complaining that NO ONE'S going to get any rest unless the shitty marimo turns down the lamp he's using to see what he's doing while he sits on the carpet polishing his blades.
Annoyed but also not in the mood to argue, Zoro decides getting some fresh air isn't a bad idea, and he spends the hours until daybreak wandering up and down the deck with Yubashiri's hilt clutched in his hand, studying the sword's broken, rusted blade and wondering what the hell he ought to do with it.
Robin studies him from the crow's nest, and he's still awake and pacing when the sun breaks over the horizon and she trades her watch duties off to Franky, who's puzzling over the non-committal grunt the swordsman offered in return to his exclamation that it looks as though it's going to be a super new day.
xxx
Each day settles into an unpleasant routine: after he spends all night wandering around the ship, Zoro falls into restless sleep until mid-afternoon, at which point he wakes up too nauseated and dizzy to do his usual strength training. The lack of sleep makes him bad-tempered enough that everyone but Luffy steers clear, and even the captain's sometimes driven away with harsh words and can then be found sulking in the dining hall or aquarium bar. And, on one occasion, the library- much to Robin's chagrin when she discovered him using a large number of books to build a miniature fort under Nami's navigation desk.
In his squabbles with Sanji, the first mate suddenly becomes the instigator more often than not, rather than merely reacting to the cook pushing him too far. Their fights escalate, both in frequency and intensity, and now end only when someone else- usually Nami- intervenes or when Zoro becomes unexpectedly and violently ill.
The swordsman hates throwing up almost as much as he hates showing weakness, but he can't help feeling a bit smug every time a sudden bout of illness results in him puking on the cook's freshly-shined shoes.
In any case, and largely because his stubbornness is second only to their captain's and he's so reluctant to accept there's something seriously amiss, it takes several miserable days of projectile vomiting, sleep deprivation, and his exasperated crewmates threatening to simply dump him at the next island indicated by the log pose before Zoro finally admits defeat and drags himself back to Chopper's office.
xxx
"Oi," he announces, not waiting for the doctor to welcome him as he strolls in and drops a small round object onto the doctor's desk. It rolls towards the edge with a horrid squelching sound, and the reindeer fumbles to grab it before it falls to the floor.
“Zoro, wha- AIEEE!" Chopper squeals as his hoof punches a hole through the sphere's soft surface, spilling a puddle of iridescent blue liquid onto his desk blotter. It reeks like rotten eggs and decomposing fish drying in the sun, and he gags, hurriedly dropping the thing and fumbling for a towel to clean up the mess. "GAH! What IS it?”
“Dunno- I found 'em back in the Water Seven marketplace 'fore we left. Figured they were some kinda weird-ass local fruit." Zoro wrinkles his nose at the foul odor rising from the mess, backing away a bit when his stomach reminds him that it's still unhappy. "Thing musta gone bad- 'cause it didn't smell THIS nasty before. Just a li'l fishy.”
“You ATE one of these?”
“...”
"So, more than one," Chopper sighs.
“Just a couple! Luffy ate most of 'em 'n he's just fine!" Zoro protests. "He likes to- ah, well, you know how- um, how… excited… he gets over tryin' new foods…" He shuffles a bit, embarrassed. Not wanting to elaborate on how he'd bought the so-called fruit, or whatever it is, with the intention of sharing it with his boyfriend while in bed, where he was most likely to reap the benefits of the other man's gratefulness and enthusiasm. "... I wanted to surprise 'im.”
“Hrm. Well… I suppose I can understand the impulse to provide for your mate. Even if courtship gifts aren't necessary anymore, given the two of you have been having sexual intercourse for several months now…" the doctor muses aloud, his blunt observation causing the fidgeting swordsman's flush to deepen. "But Zoro- next time, PLEASE make sure whatever you bring back for Luffy is definitely edible. Because I don't know WHAT you two ate, but it's definitely no fruit I'VE ever seen. Maybe Franky can identify it, since you say it came from Water Seven." He turns his gaze back to the thing on his desk. "How DID this one manage to escape Luffy's attention anyway?”
“I, uh- I found it under our- I mean, his- pillow. He probably meant to save it for later 'n forgot he shoved it under there." Zoro scratches the back of his head, expression awkward and cheeks still burning. "So, uh- y'think eatin' those things could be what's got me all messed up?”
“Food poisoning is certainly a possibility," Chopper admits as he rummages through his shelves, searching for a container into which he can safely relocate the oozing, stinking globule. "-but I'd like to eliminate a few other potential causes before determining a diagnosis. And for that, I'll need you to provide me with blood and urine samples." Clearly excited by the fact that their new ship has both the medical equipment and the space necessary for performing such tests, the doctor's beaming as he rummages through his overhead cabinet until he locates an empty specimen cup, which he presents to the now scowling swordsman. "As soon as you've finished collecting your urine in this, please bring it back to me so I can draw some blood."
Grumbling under his breath, Zoro snatches the cup from him and heads for the door leading to the stern. Hoping like hell that nobody's standing out back behind the dining hall, because there's no goddamn way he's running all the way to one of the toilets at the ship's bow and then having to trot back across the lawn deck in full view of everyone while carrying a cup full of piss in one hand.
xxx
Seated at his desk the following afternoon, Chopper finds himself staring down at his scribbled notes in utter bewilderment… and wondering how he's going to break the news to Zoro without the first mate cutting him into bloody quarters for Sanji to serve at the next meal.
In the end, it takes the doctor nearly two hours to convince the befuddled swordsman that: 1) no, he's not pulling his leg, and 2) yes, Luffy and the rest of the crew really ought to know, because as embarrassing as sharing the test results with everyone might be, the symptoms associated with Zoro's condition have already been affecting them. And since those symptoms are more than likely to continue- and not merely to continue but to intensify-?
Luckily for Chopper, Zoro's so stunned by what he's just learned that he flees the infirmary without voicing a single threat of bodily harm.
The swordsman spends the rest of the afternoon skulking about the men's quarters, venturing out only once and only long enough to use the closest of the bathrooms and rumbling like an uneasy volcano at anyone unfortunate enough to disturb him. Not even the captain's exempt from his harsh words; in fact, Luffy earns himself an actual brief pummeling when he gets a bit too handsy in his attempts to cajole Zoro into a better mood.
Chased out the door by his agitated boyfriend after his kisses and caresses rapidly escalate from merely comforting to outright amorous, the rubber man ends up hanging out the kitchen yet again. Much to Sanji's distress. Not only does the cook have to put up with him begging for food, rummaging through the cabinets in search of snacks, and trying to gnaw through the passcode-protected fridge, but he also finds himself wrangling the younger pirate on his own, because neither Nami nor Usopp are inclined to stick around listening to Luffy complain at length about his aching balls and how he KNOWS he could just deal with the problem himself but jerking off's no fun unless Zoro's there to watch.
xxx
The sun's already gone down and the lawn deck's shrouded in shadow save for the outdoor lamps by the time Chopper realizes the first mate intends to remain in hiding indefinitely unless he intervenes. Unfortunately, threats don't prove any more successful than pleas, and Franky, Sanji and Usopp are eventually forced to drag Zoro- struggling and spitting verbal abuse- to the dining hall where the ship's doctor has announced he intends to hold an all-crew meeting.
xxx
"May I have your attention, please?" Chopper calls- and squirms, flushing beneath his fur, when the noise generated by his nakama conversing dies down and everyone turns their gazes toward him. Except for Luffy, who's wearing a hopeful expression as he nudges an onigiri across the table towards the swordsman slumped in the seat beside him. Pouting when Zoro waves it away… then shrugging and stuffing the nori-wrapped rice ball into his own mouth.
“Go on, Chopper," Nami encourages their doctor, seeing he's suddenly turned bashful. "You told us that you wanted everyone here, so we'd better make this quick. We probably shouldn't leave the ship without someone on watch any longer than absolutely needed.”
“O-Okay!" Chopper blurts. He takes a deep breath, his resolve strengthening as he continues. "As your primary physician, it's my job to ensure you all stay healthy... but it's ALSO my responsibility to honor our doctor-patient confidentiality. Meaning that my medical evaluations as well as the results of any tests I perform- and whatever personal information you provide in confidence- will always stay between you and me. I'll never share your personal information with anyone else without your express permission.”
The other Straw Hats exchange glances and nod in agreement, obviously wondering where this speech is headed.
“In certain cases, however… in certain RARE cases… it's- it's possible your nakama COULD need to know the results of an exam or a particular test. Not simply for your safety but for their own safety as well. For EVERYONE'S safety. And if I feel such a situation's developed, I- I may urge you to disclose a personal matter to the rest of the crew, because-" The doctor stalls, acutely aware that Zoro's fingertips are drumming impatiently on the tabletop. "-b-because-”
"Just GET ON with it already," the swordsman growls, and Chopper flattens his ears.
"Zoro, don't you dare bully him! What's the matter with you?" Nami demands, turning in her chair to glare at him.
“Not cool," Franky mutters, crossing his arms over his chest. "What's your hang-up, bro?”
Zoro looks away, refusing to meet their accusing gazes, and Chopper panics when Sanji and Usopp both start grumbling as well. "W-wait! Please!" The doctor abandons his own seat to pace the dining hall floor, looking extremely uncomfortable. "I told Zoro that- that you needed to know what I discovered regarding his recent illness, because it's already been causing complications, and I have reason to believe his condition could easily become- well- EVEN MORE disruptive and maybe even DANGEROUS. Which is why he- ah-" He turns back towards the swordsman and sees the green-haired pirate's eyes are now closed. "He agreed that you needed to know. Reluctantly, perhaps, but… he did agree."
The others have begun exchanging confused glances and stealing speculative looks at Zoro, who continues to ignore them, although his fingers are now curled into a fist on the tabletop. Clenched so tightly that his knuckles are turning white.
“We- we know the Grand Line's very unpredictable and only likely to get more unpredictable, the farther we sail. Not only in regards to weather-" Chopper continues cautiously, inclining his head towards the crew's navigator to acknowledge her contributions. "-but in many other ways as well, which is why it's very important that we treat all unknown fauna and flora as though we assume it's dangerous, and also ensure that we don't eat anything we can't identi-"
“Fucking hell- I KNEW IT!" Sanji exclaims, jabbing an accusatory finger across the table towards Luffy and Zoro. "You idiots ate some weird shit again, didn't you?”
“It wasn't weird shit!" the captain protests, "It was MYSTERY food! Zoro ALWAYS brings me mystery food after we've stopped at an island, 'cause he knows I like to eat it in bed while we-”
Color rising in his cheeks, the first mate coughs forcefully to muffle the rest of the words emerging from Luffy's mouth, because their nakama DO NOT need to learn more about their sex life than whatever they- unfortunately- already know. ESPECIALLY NOT when it's being provided in such lurid detail. He simultaneously smacks his boyfriend, cutting short the flow of highly personal information he's divulging and making him rub the fresh lump on his skull while whining in protest.
“I told you MORONS-" Sanji fumes, slamming his hand down on the table- and choosing to pretend he hadn't heard what positions his crewmates enjoy in bed. "-not to eat stuff we can't identify!" He looks at others while jabbing a finger in Zoro's direction. "See, now Chopper's gonna tell us that this IDIOT here's poisoned himself and has only five days to live, or something just as fucking stupid.”
Usopp frowns, confused. "Oi… if Luffy ate it too, then why's it just Zoro who's dying?"
"No one's dying!" Chopper roars, startling everyone when he momentarily goes Heavy Point, frustrated by the renewed commotion.
“... I found the things at the open market 'fore we left Water Seven," Zoro mutters without opening his eyes. "Didn't have enough money for another sword, so I figured I'd grab somethin' for Sencho instead." He abruptly decides he's said enough; if they need to know, fine, but he isn't going to be the one who explains it. "Chopper, just tell 'em what's goin' on so we can get the hell outta here. I'm tired 'n I feel like shit.”
“Right, right- sorry," the doctor apologizes, rubbing his hooves together. "Anyway, Zoro suspected that a certain... fruit... that he and Luffy ate might have something to do with his illness, and when he brought me a piece-”
“A FRUIT? Was it an Akuma no Mi? DID YOU DIPSHITS EAT-?”
“NO, you asshole. We wouldn't eat one of those things- not on purpose 'n not by accident! Luffy knows what they look like.”
"Would you PLEASE let me finish?” Chopper demands.
“Sorry.” "Okay, okay."
“... in any case… Zoro's correct. He brought me what he THOUGHT was a fruit, but Franky was able to identify the specimen as a yagara egg.”
The shipwright grimaces. "They sell those things as sea king repellent, Haramaki-bro. Didn't the vendor mention that when you bought 'em?" He shakes his head. "Beats me why somebody would wanna try'n eat one, anyway- when they go off, they stink so bad that I can't imagine how they taste fresh."
"Ah… guess that explains why they were so cheap," Zoro muses, drawing a glare from Sanji.
“You're giving their palates far too much credit, Franky. I'm not sure either of them actually tastes much of anything they eat.”
“Still… a man's gotta have a cast-iron stomach to-”
"Zoro, I was savin' that for later!" Luffy complains, tugging angrily on the swordsman's elbow while scowling up at him. Evidently unconcerned that he's once again eaten something inedible- and frequently used by Water Seven residents as a pesticide. "Why'd you go'n give it to Chopper?"
“Luffy, I found it under our goddamn pillow. It was covered with lint, 'n it was ROTTEN."
“Why the hell are you shitheads hiding food in your bed? Fish eggs, even? No wonder the men's quarters smelled so nasty the other-”
"SANJI, WILL YOU SHUT UP!" Nami and Usopp shout almost simultaneously.
"Oi, Mugiwara, are meetings ALWAYS like this?" Franky calls over to the captain, who laughs.
“Pretty much!”
“I ran several tests on the egg," Chopper says quickly, before anyone else can speak. "-and I discovered the yolk's heavily laced with hormones nearly identical to those found in the human body. Which makes little sense, because yagara are FISH, not mammals, but… nature's full of surprises. Not to mention, the deeper we sail into the Grand Line, the stranger the scientific discoveries I've uncovered." He rubs his chin with one hoof, musing, "... before Arabasta, I wasn't aware it was possible to combine Akuma no Mi with inanimate objects. Compared to that, fish eggs containing human hormones are almost… mundane." Seeing that Luffy and Usopp's eyes are beginning to glaze over, he pauses.
"Chopper, where are you going with this?" Nami asks, reaching out and slapping the sniper's skull to bring him back to reality.
“Ow!”
“Ah- well, when hormone levels fluctuate in certain ways, the body reacts in a very specific manner. And it appears that the consumption of yagara eggs affects one particular set of hormones in the exact same way as when the body produces them naturally. Fortunately, they don't appear to have affected Luffy at all, even though he ate more of the eggs and therefore received a larger dose of hormones. I suspect his increased metabolism may be responsible, although I have no way of proving that without securing another batch of eggs and running a controlled experiment." The reindeer bites his lower lip. "Zoro, on the other hand… Zoro hasn't been as lucky, and he's suffering from a very serious hormonal imbalance.”
“So what?" Sanji asks. "Marimo's already loaded with more testosterone than ten normal guys. That's why he's so empty between his shitty ears.”
“Fuck off.”
“Err, that's the problem," Chopper mutters, ignoring the squabble brewing between cook and swordsman. "I'm not talking about an increased level of testosterone. In Zoro's case, I discovered increased levels of prolactin, cortisol and estradiol and a drastically REDUCED level of testosterone. Repeated blood and urine tests both produced the same results, which I suppose makes a great deal of sense given Zoro's symptoms."
He's greeted by blank stares from everyone save for Robin, who stares back at him with eyes slightly widened in surprise, and the doctor realizes he should have known she'd be the one to understand the importance of the hormones he's just named. While she may be a historian and archaeologist first and foremost, her thirst for knowledge- ALL knowledge- has prompted her to delve into his medical texts more than once.
“You think it's pseudocyesis?”
"His symptoms also resemble couvade syndrome to some degree, but either you or Nami would need to be involved for me to even consider that as a probable diagnosis… and considering the relationship dynamics on the ship and that neither of you are-?" Chopper shakes his head. "No. No, it's DEFINITELY pseudocyesis. That's the only possible explanation." He frowns. "I just wish I knew what possible advantage a species of fish would gain by producing eggs rich in THOSE hormones. And in concentrations strong enough to affect the human body!"
“Perhaps it assists in controlling the predator population?" Robin suggests thoughtfully. "The yagara have been domesticated now, of course, but it could have been beneficial to them as wild animals by preventing too many of their eggs from being consumed.”
Chopper gives a hum of consideration for her theory and falls silent, considering. Sanji takes advantage of the lull in conversation to prepare drinks for the ladies, carefully wiping the bottle that's been sitting on ice before he pours their glasses.
Luffy nudges under Zoro's arm and curls up against his side, resting his head on the older pirate's shoulder. He doesn't have a clue what they're talking about, but it's apparently not serious enough to warrant any alarm. Whatever's going on, his swordsman can't possibly be THAT ill, he muses, considering they're now discussing FISH- which is making him hungry, and he drools on Zoro's sleeve, hoping it's soon time for dinner.
“Oi," Usopp blurts, finally caving to his own curiosity, because apparently no one else is going to admit they have no idea what the hell Chopper and Robin have been discussing, and the first mate himself obviously has no intention of enlightening them. "So what IS wrong with Zoro? I mean this pseudo-psycho-whatever-esis sounds pretty serious. Not that the brave Captain Usopp won't find a cure before it's too late!”
“The psyche may very well play a part in it," Robin muses, studying the swordsman and smiling when she sees that he's glowering back at both her and the doctor. "Pseudocyesis is false pregnancy.”
Usopp, who's swiped Nami's glass when Sanji wasn't looking, loses his stolen drink when it sprays out violently from between his lips. At the same time, the cook accidentally snaps the stem on the wine glass he's offering to Robin and fumbles frantically to avoid dumping the sloshing pieces into the historian's lap. "What the fuck? Did you- did you just say Zoro's PREGNANT?"
“FALSE, you idiot- she said FALSE!" Zoro bellows, jumping to his feet and inadvertently dumping Luffy onto the floor. "Don't be fuckin' stupid!”
Nami mops wine off the tabletop with a napkin and wonders when Sanji's going to realize that his fingers are bleeding. "Well, I suppose it explains why he seems to be throwing up every time I see him…"
“Nausea and sensitivity to certain odors are common in pseudocyesis as well as actual pregnancy," Chopper agrees. "It's also probably responsible for his headaches and difficulty sleeping, and there's quite a few other symptoms that wouldn't surprise me very much either: diarrhea, weight gain-”
“Hrrrm, that one makes complete sense. Marimos should be round.”
"Why don't you come over here, you swirly fuckwad, 'n say that again to my-!" Intent on causing Sanji bodily harm, Zoro's taken completely by surprise when he's suddenly flattened back into his chair by a flailing body.
Eyes enormous with incredulity, Luffy stares into his swordsman's face, arms and legs stretched far beyond normal length where they're wrapped multiple times around the older pirate's torso. He's trembling, although whether he's doing so in excitement or terror is as-yet unclear. "Zoro- ZORO! Zoro, did we- did we make a BABY?"
“Wha- NO! Get off me!”
“Luffy, pseudocyesis is psychosomatic. He's not ACTUALLY pregnant- his body's only behaving as though he is because his hormone levels are tricking his brain into believing it's real.”
“Thanks a lot, Chopper," Zoro grunts, struggling to fend off the hands which have begun patting curiously at his stomach because their captain is outright IGNORING the doctor's explanation. "You're doin' a great job of makin' me sound like a fuckin' lunatic.”
“Oi, wouldn't that be so cool, though," Usopp breathes, nudging Franky's arm. "-havin' the guys who end up bein' the world's greatest swordsman and the pirate king as parents?”
“Yeah, any kid of ours is guaranteed to be awesome," Luffy declares gleefully. "Right, Zoro?”
“Stop encouraging him, you moron!" the first mate snaps at Usopp before returning his attention to his boyfriend's attempt to wriggle a hand down his haramaki to reach his bare belly. "Sencho! Getcher goddamn hands out of there!”
Nami swats the sniper upside the head, although she's also doing her best to hide a smile. "Yes, that's more than enough. Those two are causing plenty of trouble already without you adding to it!"
“What an utterly nightmarish thought," Sanji mutters, wrapping a kitchen towel around his bleeding hand and retrieving a fresh glass for Robin. Feeling immensely relieved when Zoro finally succeeds in extricating Luffy's hands from under his haramaki and hurriedly stuffs his shirt back into his pants. "I can only imagine the state of my pantry if any offspring of theirs inherited that rubber bastard's appetite.”
“Oi, can you imagine how much LUFFY would eat if HE somehow got pregnant?”
“We'd starve.”
“We might starve anyway, pregnancy aside, if he doesn't stop hanging around the goddamn kitchen.”
“Obviously it's not medically possible," Robin says slowly, watching as the captain tries to press an ear against Zoro's abdomen- and yelps as he's promptly punched in the head. "-but it's my opinion that Luffy and Kenshi-san would have absolutely adorable children.”
“Oh, not you too," Nami groans. "I can't imagine Luffy with kids- he behaves too much like one himself.”
Usopp grins and nudges Franky again, telling the shipwright he ought to start designing blueprints for a crib since there's plenty of spare Adam's wood in the storage hold, while Sanji informs Nami she'll need to rework the budget now that they'll be forking out beli for formula, since Marimo's obviously incapable of lactation despite the impressive size of his bust. The navigator snorts and tells him to shove off, but she's snickering under her breath, and even Robin starts giggling behind the hand cupped over her mouth.
Zoro glares at them all, red-faced and bristling. “This is EXACTLY why I thought tellin' 'em was a shitty idea," he grumbles at Chopper. "I TOLD YOU they'd laugh their asses off, but nooo, you said. They'll take it seriously because it's a MEDICAL CONDITION, you said.” His stomach- rolling over suddenly with a sensation that makes him feel like diving for the nearest wastebasket, utters a horribly loud gurgling noise- and Luffy actually squeals at the sound of it, reaching for his midsection and looking just as excited as when Iceburg had first unveiled their new ship. Glaring at him, Zoro hiccups, fighting to keep his unhappy digestive system under control.
“Oi oi oi, pregnant or not, if you barf all over my nice clean floor, I'm gonna kick your ass," Sanji warns. "So if you think you're gonna puke-" Coming around the table, he lifts his leg, planting the sole of a well-shined dress shoe against the seat of the chair, pressing its point into Zoro's thigh as he leans in past their captain to jab the swordsman threateningly in the muscle of one broad pectoral. Index finger bearing down hard enough to make him wince. "-you'd better take your smelly, mossy self out-"
No one's prepared for Luffy's fist to lash out and catch the cook square in the thorax, slamming him into the dining table violently enough to splinter wood. Sending Nami and Robin's empty glasses flying and Usopp spilling backwards out of his seat and into the historian's lap when he attempts to scramble out of swinging range.
“LUFFY!”
“Oh my god- Sanji, are you okay?”
“Oi, what's the deal, Mugiwara?”
Usopp struggles to his feet, offering a distracted apology to Robin because his eyes are locked on their captain.
Crouched beside Zoro, Luffy's holding one arm extended protectively in front of the startled swordsman, and when he lifts his head enough for them to see past the hat brim shadow covering his eyes, his nostrils are flared and his pupils constricted to quivering pinpoints.
"O-Oi," the sniper stammers nervously. He's seen that look before- seen it aimed directly AT HIM- and he'd returned to the ship thinking he never wanted to see it ever again. Not aimed at him and not aimed at any of their other crewmates either.
“Ow," Sanji groans from the floor, reaching around to massage his lower spine where it'd connected with the table's edge. "What- what the actual hell, Luffy?”
“DON'T-" the rubber man growls, putting such malevolent force behind his words that the cook flinches away, cracking his head against the leg of the damaged table. "-TOUCH. ZORO!”
There's a moment of stunned silence, and then Luffy brings his hands together and begins to pop his clenched knuckles, producing sharp cracking noises that sound as loud as gunshots in the otherwise quiet galley while everyone continues staring at him in shock. With the exception of Sanji, whose expression darkens. Tensing, the cook prepares to spring to his feet, not entirely sure what the hell's gotten into Luffy's head but knowing that if the younger pirate actually wades in, HE'S not going to hold back either.
“Sencho, you IDIOT," Zoro sighs abruptly, rubbing a hand across his flushed face. Grabbing Luffy by the upper arm, he lurches to his feet and stalks towards the infirmary, dragging the captain along at his side. Halting briefly in the doorway and surveys their flabbergasted crewmates for a moment before wearily announcing, "... just… gimme a sec, 'kay? I'll try'n talk some sense into 'im." He then steers his scowling boyfriend into the room ahead of him, steps inside and slams the door shut behind them- cutting off Luffy's protests that he needs to go kick Sanji's ass for jeopardizing the safety of their baby.
Nami and Usopp stare at each other in perplexed silence while Franky examines the damaged table, frowning, and Chopper shakes his head in exasperation and dismay… but Robin can't help smiling to herself as she considers their captain's sudden display of overprotectiveness towards his first mate.
Sanji, now sitting cross-legged on the floor, digs out a cigarette and searches for his lighter, grumbling irritably when he remembers Chopper confiscated it earlier, stating that he didn't want Zoro bolting out of the meeting because the smoke was making him ill. "... shit."
"Does stuff like this tend to- eh, happen often?" Franky gestures to the table's splintered edge, wondering if he's vastly underestimated the amount of raw materials he'd stocked in the hold back on Water Seven.
Nami sighs and gives him a weak smile. "These guys tend to be a little hard on everything."
"Do- do you think Luffy's grasp on basic biology is really that poor?" Chopper's asking Robin, looking extremely worried, because they can now hear angry shouting escaping the closed door.
“I think Marimo's enlightening him.”
“Sencho-san quite obviously understands that sex can lead to pregnancy and that it takes two people having intercourse to make a baby," Robin assures the anxious doctor as she reaches down to lift him onto the empty chair beside her. "But you should keep in mind that he's already accustomed to his body behaving in ways much different than what science dictates as normal. I'm not surprised he's having this much difficulty accepting the truth, considering how many other things our Akuma no Mi allow us to do that non-users consider impossible." Sprouting an extra arm from the tabletop, she uses it to gently beep Chopper's nose and smiles when he giggles, batting the hand away. "I don't think Kenshi-san was expecting such an intense reaction, however. I imagine he would have insisted on telling our captain about your diagnosis of pseudocyesis in private, had he known it would cause this much of an uproar."
Almost as though it's occurring in direct response to the historian's words, there's a sudden loud "THWAP" from the room beyond, followed by a crash, the sound of unseen objects falling, and muffled but furious cursing.
Franky twitches visibly, brows drawing together- and then they ALL jump as the infirmary door flies open and crashes against the wall as Zoro bursts out and storms past.
There's a brilliant red handprint staining the swordsman's cheek and blood dripping steadily from his nose and mouth, but he ignores Chopper's frenzied insistence that he needs medical treatment and exits the dining hall without speaking. Leaving the door to the deck outside hanging wide open in his wake while he stalks towards the staircase leading to the lawn below.
Luffy only slinks out of the infirmary once the sound of boots clomping down the steps is no longer audible, and Nami's demand that the captain explain himself dies unspoken in her throat when she sees the forlorn expression that's replaced the anger on his face. She slumps back in her seat with a sigh. "... honestly…"
Luffy glances around the room, refusing to meet anyone's eyes and seeming to find himself at a loss for words, but then he sees Sanji still sitting on the floor and once again surprises them all by rushing over and flinging himself into the cook's lap. Clinging to the other man's jacket lapels as he buries his face against his neck with a choked wail of apology.
"O-Oi," Sanji stammers, his hands fluttering helplessly for a moment before he finally settles one against the distressed and now sobbing rubber man's back, patting it hesitantly. "Oi, don't worry about it, okay? I promise- I'm FINE." He can't recall Luffy ever seeking him out for comfort like this before; on the rare occasions their captain needs a rock upon which to ground himself, he's ALWAYS gone straight to Zoro. And while Sanji isn't particularly keen on admitting he's playing second fiddle to that shitty swordsman, it also doesn't seem quite right that Luffy's here clinging to HIM and not racing for the door, chasing after Marimo.
Continuing to pat the younger pirate's back despite feeling awkward as hell, the cook turns his head to glare at Chopper. "Exactly why DID you guys decide it was necessary to spring this pseudo-psycho-shit on us? Why didn't you just let everybody keep thinking that mossy bastard had a cold or the flu or something 'til he got over this?"
“Because he and Robin were right," the doctor admits in a soft, miserable-sounding mumble. "I- I didn't think anyone would react this way... and also because I also have no idea how long it's going to take for Zoro's body to process the imbalance and for his hormone levels to return to normal." He looks up, eyes once again shimmering with tears. "He didn't know how to tell the rest of you, but he's really worried about it affecting his ability to fight, if we're attacked by the Marines or another pirate ship.”
Usopp snorts. "Easy. When he thinks he's gonna barf, we just aim him at the enemy side."
“I'm serious!" Chopper protests. "If he's too physically and mentally exhausted to fight, it's going to make things far more difficult- and DANGEROUS- for the rest of us! You KNOW he, Luffy, and Sanji always take on our most powerful opponents, and there's no knowing what could happen if we run into any serious battles without EVERYONE in top form!” Wringing his hooves, the reindeer averts his gaze again, regret and frustration clear on his face. "And now I just made everything worse, because I didn't think this through well enough. Being laughed at and having his condition treated like- like- like a BIG JOKE probably just stressed Zoro out and put even more strain on his body! What if- what if he's so mad I didn't listen, he decides he's never trusting me again?"
"Although the news may not have been received in the way you expected, I'm sure Kenshi-san understands you were only thinking of the crew's safety and meant him no harm," Robin tells him gently before turning her attention to Luffy. "Even so… Sencho, if I'm not mistaken, your support's going to mean a lot to Kenshi-san right now. Perhaps you ought to go speak with him.”
“Don't- w-wanna," the captain sniffles, face still hidden from sight where he's buried it against Sanji's sternum. "I'll just- I'll probably just- end up- H-H-HITTING Zoro again.”
The navigator smiles, sprouting a hand from the cook's shoulder that reaches down to tip Luffy's hat backwards off his head so its fingers can stroke his hair. "I seriously doubt that."
The rubber man reluctantly draws back to reveal tear-streaked cheeks and a dripping nose, and Sanji cringes inwardly as he glances down at the wet streaks of snot glistening on his suit jacket and the dress shirt and tie he's wearing beneath it, but he holds his tongue. A show of restraint that earns him a smile from Nami and the slightest nod from Robin… and as much as he's itching to get the garments soaking in some laundry detergent before they stain, the women's silent approval is worth ignoring the mess and allowing Luffy to continue clinging to his lapels for a bit longer.
“Alright, I'm headed up to the crow's nest," Nami announces as she slides out of her chair. "The log pose is still on course, but I think we've left the watch unattended for a bit too long.” Pausing, the navigator gives Luffy's rump a gentle nudge with her foot. "And Robin's right, Luffy- you should go find Zoro and make sure he's alright. If he's feeling sick enough that he's worried about putting the crew in danger, we really can't afford to have you guys arguing as well."
xxx
Luffy supposes there's at least twenty different places where his swordsman might've holed up to brood following their altercation in the dining hall, and he knows it's quite possible that Nami might stumble across Zoro first. But instead of scooping out the crow's nest, the captain heads straight for the men's quarters, relying on the unexplained instinct that seems to guide him to the older pirate's side. He sometimes wonders there's one of those invisible, magic strings tethering them together- kind of like the ones guiding the princes and princesses to their happily-ever-after partners in some of the more lovey-dovey fairy tales Makino used to tell- but the one time he tried explaining the analogy out loud, he'd had a lot of trouble finding the right words and Zoro had turned really, REALLY red and tried to swat him while barking something about not believing in fate and most definitely not being a goddamn princess.
Whether it's fate or just luck, Luffy's not at all surprised when he bursts into the men's quarters and spots his swordsman stretched out on the closest of the sofas. Ignoring the murderous scowl that's directed at him, he throws himself down beside Zoro, who huffs and turns away from him, rolling to face the back cushions. Luffy crowds in tight against the stiffened line of his spine, forced to cling around his torso because the seat's not quite wide enough for them and the older pirate's already taking up most of the available space.
“Sanji kicked me out of the kitchen… 'n Robin 'n Nami said I should apologize," he explains, words muffled because his face is squashed against his first mate's shoulder. He pauses, then adds, "-but I'm NOT sorry I smacked you for sayin' we'd make bad parents.” Making no attempt to hide the note of sulkiness that's entered his voice.
"... you never told me you even WANTED kids," Zoro mutters, glaring straight ahead at the backrest and refusing to turn over despite Luffy's insistent tugging on his torso.
“I didn't know. Not 'til just now, but I decided I do."
It's a response so typical of him, spontaneous yet also spoken with absolute certainty, that Zoro can't help snorting in amusement even though he's still angry.
"I do if it's with Zoro, anyway."
The swordsman tenses as warm hands wrestle his haramaki aside and slide upwards beneath his shirt, fingertips seeking the rough, diagonal ridge that runs across his chest from his left shoulder to right hip. He's learned Luffy sometimes feels a compulsion to touch it- becomes overwhelmed by an inescapable NEED to trace the scar left by the blow that came so close to killing him, and he's always found it somewhat confusing, because it's not like his captain to dwell heavily on the past. "Oi- get grabby 'n I'll dump your ass on the fuckin' floor."
“I wasn't gonna!" Luffy promises, nosing in behind his ear. "... I just wanna touch." He holds his breath, expecting Zoro to continue complaining or maybe shake him loose, but the other man falls silent, so he resumes exploring. Confirming what he suspected earlier in the evening when he kept getting scolded for being too touchy-feely… that his lover's chest and belly feel much softer than usual. Squishier. Like there's now a thicker layer of fat padding the muscles there.
Zoro does a fair job of feigning disinterest until one wandering palm brushes over his left nipple, and then he nearly dumps them both off the sofa, thrashing and yelling at Luffy to stop groping him.
“I'm not!" the captain protests, resisting Zoro's attempts to shove him away by wrapping his legs around his hips. "All I did was-" He cups the same pectoral to demonstrate- and his swordsman flinches, stifling a rather loud gasp. "Oh, wow… Zoro's- like- really SUPER sensitive, huh…"
His remark results in his flustered, flushed partner exploding into a flurry of fists and flailing limbs, and this time, they DO topple off the cushions and fall to the floor.
"My pecs aren't- they're not TOYS," Zoro snaps, "-so wouldja PLEASE quit-!" He breaks off, the color draining from his face as his stomach cramps unexpectedly. He rolls away from Luffy to prop himself up on one elbow, gagging and coughing into the opposite hand while the rubber man hovers beside him, uncertain what to do.
He settles for hesitantly rubbing the older pirate's upper back, prepared to make a mad scramble either back onto the sofa or across the surface of the sunken table in the event his sputtering escalates into outright vomiting.
Thankfully, however, Zoro succeeds in wrestling his uncooperative digestive system into submission without actually spewing everywhere, and when he can finally breathe again, he slumps face-down on the floor with a despondent groan. "... god… this r-really fuckin' sucks."
“... I wiped my nose on Sanji's jacket," Luffy offers, well aware his first mate never fails to be amused by anything that makes the cook look foolish and therefore hoping this revelation will earn him a smile. "He didn't hit me or throw me across the room or anything, but he looked sorta like he did yesterday when Zoro barfed on his feet again. Kinda like he was gonna cry."
Sighing, Zoro rolls over to stare up at him but doesn't bother trying to sit up. "Bet he just loved gettin' his fancy-ass suit covered with snot in front of Nami 'n Robin." He's no longer scowling, and his eyes are no longer filled with indignation; now, he simply looks tired, with those shadows darkening the flesh beneath his eyes and the faint creases between his brows.
Suddenly compelled to wrap both arms around him and deciding the floor's as good as the sofa for some impromptu snuggling, Luffy sprawls across him without waiting for an invitation. He's pleased to find his embrace reciprocated, but when he attempts to lay his head on his boyfriend's sternum, the swordsman winces and tugs at the back of his vest to fend him off.
"Ah, sorry… Sanji musta poked you really hard, huh?" he asks, frowning as he raises himself to survey the half-buttoned bust of Zoro's short-sleeved henley.
“... not exactly," Zoro mumbles. While he's loathe to let Luffy believe their blonde crewmate's capable of doing him any legitimate damage, there's also NO WAY IN HELL he's admitting to his captain that tender breasts are one of the symptoms he's suffering thanks to this whole false pregnancy debacle. And that both sets of his pectoral muscles had been aching like some enthusiastic, malicious bastard took a sledgehammer to his chest LONG before the cook jammed a finger into one of his tits.
To add insult to injury, he's been forced to forgo his usual practice of wandering around bare-chested, because he hasn't felt like dealing with his nakama asking if he's cold. Because while the vomiting and headaches and insomnia alone might've still had him regarding Chopper's diagnosis as either a mistake or a really shitty joke, he's never heard of the flu giving somebody constantly hard, achy nipples.
Unfortunately for him, Luffy's been struck by one of those inopportune moments of clarity that often make him so aggravating. "Zoro…" His eyes narrow with suspicion as he continues regarding the swordsman's torso and begins patting it here and there with surprisingly gentle deliberation. "Your boobs… seem bigger. They're not- uh- they're not gonna blow up like Nami's or Robin's boobs, are they?"
"NO," Zoro chokes out- and then his eyes widen a bit as he realizes he doesn't know that for certain. "At least they BETTER NOT."
"Okay, good… 'cause bigger's- well, it's not bad- but I'm pretty sure I like Zoro's boobs shaped just the way they are," Luffy states matter-of-factly, settling down atop him again, although this time he's careful to lean his head against the older pirate's bicep to avoid putting pressure on his pectoral. Recalling the pregnant townsfolk he'd encountered while growing up in Foosha Village and how their bellies weren't the only parts of their bodies to grow big and round by the time they reached full-term, he tries to picture Zoro swinging his swords with a couple of those beach ball-sized things bouncing around, getting in the way, and- nope. It's too bizarre a mental image. Besides, he doesn't much like the thought that follows on its heels: Sanji getting all super weird about Zoro, going heart-eyed at the sight of the first mate and calling him a Marimo mellorine or something equally stupid.
It's a little annoying when the cook acts that way around Nami and Robin… but the idea of him doing it around ZORO? Nope, Luffy doesn't like that AT ALL. It makes him feel sort of like biting someone.
So, yeah, he'd definitely prefer Zoro's boobs to remain the same shape they are now. And the same size. Or, well… MOSTLY the same size, he muses, unable to deny his previous observation of how appealing- how extra yummy- his boyfriend's pecs look and feel with their current extra density and squish.
And as far as the rest of it…
Cuddling closer, he glances down at where his hand's resting on Zoro's abdomen and, upon speculating how it might look stretched taut and bulging to contain not just a full-term pregnancy but an actual BABY- HIS baby- THEIR baby- A CHILD that he and Zoro MADE TOGETHER, he feels a quiver of excitement shudder through his body. Because, ohhh, now THAT'S a different story altogether. THAT makes his heart thump faster and fills his guts with a million tiny butterflies of excitement and intrigue and-
“Oi, Sencho? You better quit pokin' me- 'cause you got another thing comin' if you think I'm in the mood for that shit.”
"But I wasn't- oh." Becoming aware that he is, indeed, poking Zoro, Luffy gives his hips an experimental little wiggle, and the small smirk curling his lips broadens into an enormous grin when his swordsman's exasperated expression falters, only to be replaced by alarm and a great deal of incredulity. "Shi-shi… sorry, can't help it…" Fingertips stroking small circles on the green fabric of Zoro's ever-present haramaki as he cups his stomach more firmly and watches the hint of pink staining the other man's cheeks intensify. Developing into a brilliant and rather delightful flush that stretches across his face from one reddened ear to the other.
“I- I'm sure I'm better off NOT knowin' whatever the hell you're thinkin' right now.”
xxx
Nami doesn't realize she's been dozing in her lawn chair until she's woken by Robin's soft laughter. When she opens her eyes, however- squinting despite her sunglasses because the sun's blaring down from a cloudless sky this afternoon- she finds herself slouched low in the seat and glances over to see the historian hiding a smile behind one graceful hand. Not looking at her, but across the deck.
Sitting up, she yawns and stretches as she follows the older woman's gaze to see what's causing her amusement.
“Look," Robin chuckles, gesturing towards where Zoro lies sprawled a few feet away. "I know Kenshi-san would likely disagree with me- and quite vehemently at that- but he looks rather cute right now, doesn't he?"
Laughing aloud herself at the sight of the swordsman and the company he'd attracted at some point after she nodded off, Nami has to agree. Zoro does look rather cute- excluding that glistening line of drool slowly escaping one corner of his sleep-slackened mouth, of course.
The first mate had been alone when he'd wandered out onto the deck earlier, mumbling something about needing a nap somewhere less stuffy than the men's quarters. Both Luffy and Chopper have joined him since then, however, so he's now stretched out in the grass with the captain tucked against his back, one set of rubber limbs draped carelessly across his side, chin hooked over his shoulder and nose nuzzled into his neck. Meanwhile, the ship's doctor is fast asleep where he's curled up against Zoro's chest, nestled within the crook of one of his muscular arms and resembling a large stuffed animal. Or an unusual and very furry toddler, perhaps.
"I don't think I ever imagined I'd be saying this about Zoro, but… you're right. The way he's cuddling Chopper is ADORABLE." Honestly, the navigator thinks Luffy looks pretty cute right now as well, happily spooning his boyfriend like that while they sleep. Both men are CONSIDERABLY cuter when they're not charging around the ship, training and squabbling and eating and breaking everything they touch.
Robin raises the text that's been dangling temporarily forgotten from her other hand and relocates her bookmark before flipping to the next page. "I don't believe I've ever seen Kenshi-san look so relaxed. It's a bit of a shame our doctor says it's not likely to last longer than a few more days.."
"Mmm, he might be a little more mellow than usual, but he DID still threaten to throw Sanji overboard this morning," Nami points out, although she doesn't quite blame Zoro for losing his temper with the cook. While she may not be sensitive about her weight, she thinks she'd probably try to drown Sanji too if he referred to her as a pudgy marimo. Granted… Sanji would've deserved the dunking for acting like a jerk, but she can't help also thinking that Zoro probably overreacted to being teased about the fifteen to twenty extra pounds he's gained and that he's sure to either sweat off or convert into pure muscle as soon as Chopper agrees to let him resume his old weight lifting regimen.
His partner certainly hasn't been put off by the way he's bulked up; Nami's seen how Luffy occasionally just stops whatever he's doing to simply STARE at the older man. The longing and lust so transparent on his face and in his eyes that sometimes Nami experiences a rare rush of embarrassment, akin to the feeling she's intruding on a private moment even though Luffy's notoriously unconcerned with modesty. Much to his first mate's chagrin.
"Thank god he's not throwing up all the time anymore, at least," the navigator says as she watches the rubber man tighten his arms around Zoro's middle and hug him even closer while mumbling something faltering and heavily slurred by sleep against his neck. "Franky keeps insisting we need to buy more grass seed to patch the lawn… and I know Sanji needs more shoe polish."
“Yes," the historian agrees without looking up from her current paragraph. "I can certainly do without the vomit.”
“Robin, do you-" Nami hesitates, conscious that she's preventing her crewmate from returning to her reading yet unable to push her concerns aside. "Do you think Luffy's still upset that it's not real? That Zoro's not actually- you know."
Lowering her book again, Robin takes another look at the heap of sleeping nakama. Chopper, obviously dreaming, begins to squirm in his sleep and Zoro sneezes after the reindeer's shifting fur tickles his nose. The swordsman scowls and bats clumsily at his face with his free hand, but miraculously he doesn't wake.
“I will admit, his reaction was a bit surprising. Sencho-san's mind does certainly work in mysterious ways oftentimes…"
This, the navigator muses but does not say out loud, may be the understatement of the century.
“Given his response, I'm not certain he ever considered the idea of parenthood before he thought circumstances might be forcing him to do so." Robin moves her marker to the page on which she's stopped and sets the book down on the small table between their chairs. "Although he tends to be very straightforward about most things, it hasn't escaped my notice that our captain largely avoids speaking about his childhood. And as you're well aware, our recent discovery regarding his grandfather was purely accidental."
Nami nods.
"That aside… to feel regret- to wonder what might have been, had a situation played out differently or had we made different choices- is a very common human experience. One with which I believe we're all quite familiar, and I'm sure Luffy is no exception. Even if he's extremely adept at using laughter to mask his sorrow."
At this, the navigator lowers her gaze, her right hand unconsciously seeking the curving blue lines tattooed on her shoulder. Fingertips tracing the scarred tissue beneath the pinwheel and mikan inked into her flesh, where she'd attempted to slice away the emblem of her servitude and the reminder of her loss. And yes. She knows all too well what Robin means.
“Luffy will deal with this just as he deals with everything else. I believe we should be far more concerned about the other person struggling with this unfortunate situation.”
“You- you mean Zoro?" Nami asks in surprise, hand dropping to her lap. "Why? I mean, I know he gets upset when the guys tease him- especially when it's Sanji doing it- but Chopper said he'll be fine!”
“Physically, yes… as soon as his body recovers from the side effects of the yagara eggs. But the emotional aspects may be more difficult for him to process.” Robin smiles sadly when the younger woman's look of confusion only deepens. "I have no doubt that Sencho-san's happiness is very important to each and every one of us- but the connection that Kenshi-san shares with him goes far beyond what either of them feel for the rest of us. And, I believe, far beyond a simple physical attraction. You've been a member of this crew for longer than myself, but from what I've seen… Kenshi-san would go anywhere and do anything that Luffy asked of him, would he not?"
Chopper stirs suddenly, and they both watch in silence as the doctor wriggles out of Zoro's grasp. Freeing himself to trudge across the lawn, dragging his hat behind him, until he's retreated to a shadier patch of grass under one of the trees closer to the stern. Tongue hanging from his mouth, the reindeer flops down again, panting. "Hot…"
Zoro, now deprived of his own small spoon, immediately begins to rumble incoherent protest and grope clumsily about himself. Before long, he catches hold of one of the arms wrapped around his midsection and tugs Luffy onto his chest as he rolls over to lie flat on his back. The captain now sprawled atop him utters a soft, lazy noise of inquiry, blinking one eye open to assess his boyfriend's state of wakefulness and then- seeing he's still asleep- allowing it to drift shut again.
“But although he would do anything for Sencho-san," Robin murmurs, voice dropping so low that Nami's ears can barely make out her hushed words. "... I'm afraid Kenshi-san's discovered there's one thing that he absolutely CANNOT do… no matter how much he might wish the truth to be otherwise...”
xxx
Lifting his head from where he's been resting it on his arms, folded on the tabletop before him, Zoro yawns enormously, earning a sharp poke in the shoulder from the handle of the cook's serving spoon.
“Oi. Shitty Marimo. It's time to eat, not time to sleep."
The swordsman glares at Sanji, but he doesn't have the energy to respond with anything more than a guttural grumble of "bite me" before he tucks his forehead back into the crook of one elbow. He's glad the odors wafting from the platters of food sitting on the table aren't making his stomach feel like it wants to crawl up his throat anymore, but he's still so freaking tired, he's not sure he has the enthusiasm to chew dinner let alone try to smash the snarky blonde bastard's face into the nearest dining hall wall.
"Zoro, are you feeling alright?" This from Chopper, who's seated in the next chair and peering up at him with wide eyes. Watching him a goddamn hawk, just like he's been doing every damn day ever since all this nonsense started, and that analogy - like a hawk - makes the scar spanning Zoro's torso begin to itch. Hawk. Hawk Eyes. How the fuck'm I s'posed to fight Mihawk when I'm like THIS? Not that it's LIKELY he'll be running into the master swordsman any time soon- but then he wasn't really expecting the guy to show up at the Baratie back then either. "Zor-?"
“I'M FINE," he snarls into his elbow with far more venom than he intended… and immediately regrets losing his temper when the doctor utters a high-pitched squeak of alarm and dives for Robin's lap. "Shit. S-Sorry, Chopper. I didn't mean to snap… not at you OR Sir Swirls over there. I'm just- I'm really, REALLY frickin' tired."
Nami and Usopp exchange glances and even Sanji looks slightly taken aback, because it's not typical for the swordsman to apologize to him so readily.
“Zoro's been EXTRA grumpy today," Luffy says, frowning as he detaches himself from Sanji's shoulders- around which he's been clinging for ready access to plates being transferred to the table, undeterred by the cook's fingers yanking his cheek hard enough to stretch it a good five inches from his face every time he snags a new morsel. Dropping into the open seat on the opposite side of his swordsman from where Chopper's sitting. "Cheer up; we've got meat!”
The captain reaches out to help himself, ignoring Sanji's vehement protests that the ladies be served first, but rather than shoving the largest portion into his own mouth, he surprises everyone by sliding it onto Zoro's plate while delivering a stern order for his first mate to "EAT that, 'kay, Zoro? Don't just STARE at it!" Then, with the rest of the crew still gawking at him, he commences his usual feeding frenzy and leaves his nakama scrambling to grab their shares before everything edible disappears down his gullet.
“I suppose it's too much to ask," Sanji sighs as he glumly surveys the now sauce-splattered and crumb-strewn tablecloth. "-that we have one meal- JUST ONE- where everybody has an opportunity to actually TASTE the food I obviously spent way too much goddamn time preparing…"
“It's very good, Cook-san," Robin assures him and then blinks as stretchy fingers pinch a meatball from her plate. "-ah."
“Don't steal Robin's food, shitty rubber bastard!”
"She wasn't eatin' it, so I figured she didn't want it!" Luffy protests- only to yelp in surprise as the serving spoon that's just left Sanji's hand hits him square between the eyes and causes his head to yo-yo backwards and forwards.
Forced to duck the ricocheting utensil, Nami briefly contemplates leaning across the table to smack the captain herself- see if she can get his head wobbling side-to-side just as wildly- but in the end, she doesn't dare leave her plate unguarded for that long. “Zoro," she calls across the table instead. "-you really ought to eat that before Luffy changes his mind and decides it's fair game.”
“... not hungry, lemme sleep.”
Luffy peers at his swordsman's tense shoulders and reaches over to rub the exposed nape of his neck, massaging the taut muscles there with the fingers of the hand not busy shoveling food into his own face. To his delight, Zoro melts beneath his touch with an incredibly sonorous moan, only managing to avoid sliding right off his seat and under the table because he's already leaning so much of his weight into Luffy's side.
The captain barks obnoxious laughter through a mouthful of masticated food, making Usopp recoil with a shout of "OI-OI-OI!" as bits of the stuff spray across the table in his direction.
"EWW! Luffy, CLOSE your MOUTH!" Nami scolds, napkin raised to shield her plate and water glass as the sniper beside her swipes at his overalls, mouth twisted in a grimace of shared disgust. "Nobody wants to share your nasty-ass half-chewed food!" A reprimand echoed by Sanji, although with considerably more heat and foul language.
"Sorr- SORRY!" Luffy tells them, voice muffled by the drumstick he's just started to inhale. After slurping the entire thing into his mouth, he works it around furiously and then- just as Nami's convinced he's about to swallow it whole- spits the bone onto his empty plate. Not merely stripped of every last shred of meat but sporting a myriad of TOOTH MARKS.
Giggling at her aghast expression, he slips his arm around the swordsman still slouching against him and beams happily when Zoro grumbles under his breath but makes no attempt to pull away- not even when their interaction prompts the others to exchange bemused glances.
Now that his stomach's settled down and he's not throwing up all the time, the first mate's been a lot more tolerant of public displays of affection. In fact, he sometimes initiates them himself these days, letting Luffy know without words that he craves physical contact by leaning against him just like he's doing now. It's a welcome change, in the rubber man's opinion; he likes being able to tuck himself under Zoro's arm and snuggle in close without him getting flustered and attempting to escape.
… not that he doesn't also enjoy chasing him down and pinning him to the deck to kiss him- not just on the mouth but all over his flushed face- while he throws a fit about people watching…
He'd asked Zoro about that once, back when their furtive fumblings in the storage hold had started happening with greater frequency and quickly progressed from sloppy make-out sessions and tentative touches to their first experiments with penetrative sex. At the time, they'd both been trying to figure out the whole mutually agreed-upon oh-I-guess-I've-got-a-boyfriend-now thing, and Luffy, mistaking Zoro's reticence for genuine embarrassment over the crew learning about their developing relationship, had wanted to know if they needed to keep it a secret.
Much to his relief, Zoro had told him that, no, keeping whatever they'd become to each other a secret wasn't necessary- at least so far as he was concerned- and confessed that he really didn't give a shit who knew- although by this point, it was likely everyone onboard ALREADY knew, considering they hadn't been too careful about keeping the volume down. No, he'd explained, he wasn't embarrassed about people finding out they were together and fooling around- he was embarrassed because this was all new to him and he had no goddamn idea what the fuck he was doing.
Which was how Luffy had gained the rather heady knowledge that he'd been his swordsman's first, just like Zoro had been his, and is also the reason why the captain’s always been untroubled- and undeterred- by Zoro's flailing and shouting and the way his face reddens like a ripe tomato whenever he gets amorous with him in public. It's a perfunctory protest at best, and he can feel how Zoro holds back, allowing himself to be overpowered and manhandled and- WHEW… he'd better stop thinking about it or he's going to have a sizable problem on his hands. Well, not on his hands so much as in his shorts.
Grinning, he gives Zoro's waist a firm squeeze and reaches for another drumstick.
Sanji's been glowering across the table at them, most of his ire focused on Luffy at the moment due to the chaos he's causing, but when he opens his mouth to inform the captain that he'd better start bathing a bit more frequently- because it looks as though he might be growing mold, judging by the fuzzy green thing currently attached to him- he's preempted by the static-laden whine of the megaphone mounted atop the crow's nest.
“Oi, Mugiwara! Oi, you guys! Might wanna c'mere 'n check it out 'cause we got company! Looks like it's- OH SHIT! INCOMING, WE GOT INCOMING!” Franky's agitated voice is accompanied by an ominous whistling sound that gradually increases in volume until it concludes in a violent, watery crash that shakes the Sunny from bow to stern, and the shipwright starts shouting again. "OOOIII! Step on it, guys; they're firin' on us!"
"What the hell's another ship doing so close to the Florian Triangle?" Nami gasps, ignoring Usopp clutching his mouth and cursing from the floor beside her because he'd bitten his tongue when he'd been thrown from his seat by the cannonball's impact. “I thought WE were the only ones stupid enough to sail this way!”
Sleep forgotten, Zoro's on his feet, having bolted from his chair as soon as he'd heard Franky mention company.
Finally, FINALLY, there'll be someone to take the brunt of the stress and irritation that's been building inside him over the past few days. He's been spoiling for a fight, and unfortunately, nobody on board's been willing to give it to him- the cook included. Possibly because they're concerned for his safety but more likely because no one's forgotten Luffy's explosive reaction to seeing his swordsman threatened. Or maybe everybody's been under orders to avoid engaging Zoro, no matter how much he tries to force a physical confrontation?
Whatever the reason, it's a moot point now because they're being ATTACKED.
He reaches instinctively for the katana strapped at his side, seeking Kitetsu's hilt first because the cursed blade's been radiating an aura of frustration and uselessness nearly as strong as what he's been feeling himself lately- but his fingers encounter empty air.
"Zoro's stayin' here."
The swordsman whirls to find Luffy holding his swords, all three weapons still sheathed where they rest in the captain's arms. Annoyed, he reaches out to retrieve them, and the younger pirate promptly steps back out of range.
Zoro grits his teeth. "Luffy. Quit fuckin' around 'n gimme my swords.”
“No.”
There's another long, escalating whistle followed by another watery crash as the sea's surface heaves heavenwards. It's much closer this time and accompanied by the splintering of wood and Franky roars for them to "HAUL YOUR ASSES OUT HERE, NOW!" in a booming voice filled with aggravation and obvious confusion at the delayed response… but everyone in the galley remains frozen in place, their horrified gazes locked on the scene playing out in front of them.
“I don't give a shit what Chopper told you!" Zoro growls, gesturing at the doctor, and the reindeer nearly tumbles backwards off Robin's lap when he flinches away from the swordsman's glare, which is downright SEETHING with misplaced rage. "I can fight, SO GIMME BACK MY GODDAMN SWORDS!”
“NO. Zoro. stays. here." Luffy states again firmly, ignoring the murderous gleam in the older man's eyes as he shoves all three katana in the direction of a very startled Nami. "Hang onto these for me 'n I'll be right back, 'kay?”
"S-Sure," the redhead agrees nervously. Hoping the tremor in her arms isn't visible because she's always avoided touching the weapons without Zoro's permission- even if she might eye them speculatively now and then and wonder exactly what they're worth- and with the way his gaze has shifted from Luffy to stare at HER, she-!
"I-I've- uh- I've gotta take a leak real bad, so if anybody needs me, I'm- I'm gonna be hiding- I mean, I'm gonna go use the b-b-bathroom now," Usopp stammers as he edges towards the dining hall door, determined to put some distance behind himself and Nami before she decides she really doesn't want to die and tries to hand the swords off to him instead.
"Nami-" Zoro begins, low and dangerous- and the navigator shrieks in surprise as the red-handled katana shudders suddenly in her grasp, rattling in its sheath as though responding to the anger in its bearer's voice. Before he can snatch it from her shaking hands, however, the swordsman's interrupted by Luffy's fist knotting in his shirt and yanking him off balance and away from her. Hauling him around so they're once again standing face-to-face and Zoro can see his narrowed eyes and flared nostrils.
“Zoro. Stays. Here.”
Canines bared in a fearsome snarl, the older pirate breaks free and slams one of his own fists down on table hard enough to make the half-empty dishes and cutlery jump. For a long moment, he simply stares at Luffy while his racing pulse throbs in his carotid artery and furrowed brow… and then he forces his chin to dip, giving an infinitesimal bow to acknowledge the other man's supremacy. Knowing there's little else he can do- not when his captain's speaking to him in THAT tone. The tone he rarely employs and has only used to address a member of his crew on one or two other occasions. The tone that says "I'm in charge here, so sit your ass down and shut the fuck up until I tell you to do otherwise."
Furious that Luffy's pulled rank on him but equally disgusted with himself for making such a maneuver necessary in the first place, Zoro drops onto the bar bench and turns his back on the room. Behind him, he senses the abrupt drop in tension and hears several soft exhalations as a few of the others release breaths they probably weren't aware they were holding.
“Be right back," Luffy promises Nami again, giving her a reassuring grin when she looks at him as though she might protest his leaving the room despite their shipwright's continued hollering and the fact it now sounds as though the ship's being positively bombarded with cannonballs. "Gotta go 'fore Franky starts REALLY freakin' out. Sanji?”
The cook nods and moves to join him, the palm of one hand brushing whisper-light against Zoro's back as he passes, and the first mate stiffens as though he's been slapped, humiliated and incensed by the subtle, unexpected expression of sympathy. Wanting very badly in that moment to seize the blonde's hand and break every last one of his stupid, delicate fingers even though he knows damn well that he shouldn't be assigning responsibility for their captain's decision to Sanji.
Instead, he glares down at the countertop, disappointed when the varnish doesn't begin to bubble and smolder under the heat of his furious gaze. Ignoring the faint burning sensation in his eyes and the way his vision's swimming as fat beads of moisture collect on the smooth surface between his clenched fists. Because he doesn't give a shit how screwed up Chopper insists his hormones are or how "overly emotional" the doctor warned him that he might become. There's no way- NO FUCKING WAY- that the future greatest swordsman Roronoa Zoro is CRYING just because his captain's picked someone else to fight at his side.
xxx
The crew members remaining in the dining hall sit in uncomfortable silence, only vaguely aware of the raucous battle taking place outside.
Staring at Zoro's rigid spine, Nami clutches the bundle of swords she's balanced on her lap and prays that she only imagined movement she'd felt from one of them earlier. She knows he sometimes talks to his blades, although usually not in earshot of the other Straw Hats if he can help it, and it hasn't escaped her notice that Luffy- someone who can't be trusted to keep his hands off ANYTHING he's been instructed not to touch- tends to give them a wide berth. Well, she supposes he's not so wary of the white one… but she's also seen how carefully he handles the katana, even sheathed, and how his gaze will often repeatedly dart to the swordsman for assurance while it's in his care.
Zoro makes a strangled noise that sounds suspiciously like a sob, and Nami thinks it's impossible for the room to go any quieter, and yet somehow it does.
The sight of her nakama's hunched shoulders hitching repeatedly while he struggles to rein in his distress makes the navigator's stomach twist as she recalls her conversation with Robin earlier this afternoon, about Zoro's dedication to their captain and his constant drive to support the other man's rise to power. It must've KILLED him being ordered to stand down like that, especially in front of the crew… must've made him feel as though he'd been run through with one of his own swords.
Taking a deep breath, Nami pushes aside plates and platters until she's cleared enough space directly in front of her to slide the swords in question onto the table, where she's able to keep an eye on the weapons without needing to touch them. If she HADN'T imagined that movement earlier and, for some unfathomable reason, they really CAN react to Zoro's mood, she's not sure that she wants her hands anywhere near them. Not even if one's missing most of its blade and they're all sheathed and therefore, she hopes, in a state where they're marginally less dangerous.
She TRUSTS him- she really does- but dear god, he's such a mess right now and she doesn't know how the hell to HELP him…
And she's not the only one. She can see Usopp fidgeting in the seat beside her, where he'd returned after deciding Zoro WASN'T going to snap and murder everyone in the room. And Chopper looks equally restless. Clearly wanting to comfort their distraught first mate but not quite daring to approach him, he's pacing the Adam wood planks, ears twitching every time Luffy lets loose with more wild laughter or there's another explosion.
Robin- whose experiences taught her long ago to eat whenever the opportunity arose- is methodically cleaning her plate while ignoring the commotion outside, but she's also wearing a troubled expression.
xxx
It takes some time, but eventually the racket beyond the dining hall dies down and the door swings open to admit Luffy and Sanji, who stroll back inside smelling faintly of smoke and wearing grins bright on faces smudged with soot. They're accompanied by Franky, who's torn between moaning about the repairs he'll need to complete on the ship and praising his nakama for saving Sunny from further damage.
“Eyebrow-bro was just SUPER," he informs everyone, not noticing when Sanji's brow begins to twitch in irritation because no matter what he says, their cyborg shipwright WILL NOT stop referring to him by that shitty nickname. "-but Haramaki-bro, why dincha-?" Spotting Usopp's flailing hands, he blinks and lowers his sunglasses. "Oi-oi- what's wrong, Nagappanna?”
The sniper, who started waving at him to shut up- to just PLEASE STOP TALKING- almost from the moment he'd opened his mouth, cringes when Zoro shifts on the bar bench and turns to face them, feigning cheerful chagrin. "Oh, sorry, man! I WOULDA joined you-" Abruptly his voice goes cold, while his expression hardens. "-only SOME IDIOT thought you'd be better off if I stayed here sittin' on my ass 'n collectin' dust."
“Oi, Marimo, would you just DROP IT already?” Sanji growls, jabbing his shoulder. “You KNOW Luffy was only-" But before the cook can say more, Zoro's hand shoots out and grabs him by the throat, fingers squeezing until he's forced to stop talking in favor of sucking in what little air's capable of passing through his compressed windpipe. He raises a hand to grip the enraged swordsman's wrist, attempting to pry himself free, but he keeps both feet firmly planted on the floor even as his face begins to flush darker from the lack of oxygen.
Recognizing that Sanji's trying to avoid antagonizing the swordsman further, Nami attempts to scramble out of her chair, determined to put an end to the confrontation before it escalates into bloodshed, but Luffy intervenes before she's risen more than halfway. Grabbing Zoro's pierced ear, he hauls the first mate's head downwards by the earlobe until he's forced to release the cook so he can stoop lower and prevent the gold loops from tearing straight through the sensitive tissue.
The navigator winces as she listens to him curse, her eyes watering in empathy. While she certainly would've kneed Zoro in the balls if it'd come to that, she would've NEVER thought to go for the earrings.
"You wanna fight somebody, fight me." Luffy's voice is soft and calm, but there's no mistaking the steel underneath. Or the anger.
“Fine," Zoro snarls, wrenching his head free before the younger pirate can release him. It stretches his ear a bit too far, leaving it stinging like mad, but he's too pissed off to care if his piercings are beginning to bleed. "Let's go then, CAPTAIN. You 'n me on the lawn deck, right fuckin' now."
"Luffy- Zoro, please don't-" Chopper's protest dies in his throat when they turn as one to glare at him.
"Crew stays here 'til we settle this," Luffy announces to the room, and no one dares argue.
No one moves either, although Nami flinches at the sight of Zoro's hand moving in her direction, reaching out to claim the swords still heaped in front of her.
“Leave 'em," Luffy orders, catching hold of Zoro's sleeve and halting him before he can close his fingers around Kitetsu. "No swords, no gomu attacks. Nothin' but hand-to-hand.”
“... whatever." The swordsman jerks from his grasp, rocking him back on his heels as he shoves past to stalk across the room and out the open door.
A great deal of the tension departs with him, breaking the spell of horror and paralysis that's kept everyone frozen in place, and Nami sags in her seat while Usopp leaps out of his and rushes to Luffy, stumbling over his words as he begs their captain to please please PLEASE not do this and not with ZORO, of all people! Desperation twisting his face and tears in his eyes, because it wasn't so long ago that Luffy and HE had faced off like this, and they'd hurt each other so, so badly because he'd been too stubborn to listen to reason and Zoro's a billion times MORE stubborn so how can this possibly end any way except BADLY and- and- and-!
"... 's gonna be okay," Luffy assures him with a smile that barely trembles before turning to inform an equally panic-stricken Chopper that his services might be needed in a few minutes.
And then he too's headed for the door to the deck, leaving Nami to suffer their helpless, pleading gazes as she sits staring at the katana piled in front of her. Silently cursing her two most hardheaded and utterly BRAINLESS East Blue boys and hoping they'll both be alright.
xxx
Zoro doesn't bother waiting for Luffy to close the door behind him let alone announce he's ready to fight; he launches his first attack the second the younger pirate sets foot on the deck, and they trade blows outside the dining hall, until the empty-handed swordsman backs Luffy to the top of the slide and kicks him down it, following closely behind.
The captain rolls with the blow to soften his impending impact with the lawn deck below and, upon reaching the grass, springs to his feet- only to immediately duck low again to avoid the heavy boot swinging towards his head. Lashing out with one of his sandal-clad feet, he sweeps Zoro's other leg out from under him and sends him crashing into the lawn deck.
“Zoro really oughta leave the kicking to Sanji," he tells the swordsman, rising slowly from his crouched position.
The taunt's meant to goad Zoro into making another uncoordinated attack, and it works as intended. Snarling threats interspersed with insults, he bounds to his feet and lunges at Luffy, who simply squats lower to the ground again and waits. Allowing his charging opponent to approach and then using the other man's own momentum and greater weight to flip him end over end.
The first mate lands on his back, the breath already forced from his lungs by the elbow that Luffy planted in his solar plexus while he was still airborne and then used to slam him spine-first into the deck. He remains prone for a few moments, stunned- and then his stomach catches up with the rest of his body.
Rolling onto all fours and hooking his fingers into the dirt, curling them into fists around handfuls of sod, he retches violently as he battles to hold back the bile he can feel trying to creep up his throat. Realizing as he gags and sputters that Luffy's stepped back to watch him in complete silence. Not dashing forward to see if he's alright, not poised to strike while he's incapacitated, not doing anything but just fucking STANDING THERE with his arms at his sides. Looking BORED.
Zoro's anger flares, once again overriding his common sense, and he's on his feet and rushing the younger pirate before he's even managed to draw in a decent breath of air.
In short order, he's deflected for the third and final time. Left plastered upside-down against the outside of the men's quarters with the blood rushing to his head and his sash dangling in his flushed face and his coat's long skirt bunched around his midsection, and now he thinks he understands why Luffy told everyone else to stay inside.
Kicking and flopping to right himself, he claws at the grass until he manages to drag his protesting body into a sitting position with his back braced against the wall behind him. "You- you d-didn't-" He breaks into a coughing fit as his diaphragm seizes, and it takes him several tries before he can speak coherently again. "You didn't- g-give a shit if- if Usopp had an- an audience- when you- b-beat the crap outta- HIM."
“Yeah, well, USOPP was actually fighting for somethin' he believed in, not just makin' 'imself look like a goddamn idiot," the Straw Hat captain informs him coldly, then shakes his head and sighs. "Doesn't matter now. We're done here."
As he registers Luffy's words, Zoro feels the blood in his veins turn to ice. We're DONE here? What the fuck does he mean, DONE HERE ? He struggles to his feet, heart in his throat, stomach somewhere in the vicinity of his boots. Is he only sayin' the FIGHT'S over, or did he just-? Did he just DUMP me? Or- IS HE KICK ING ME OFF THE CREW ? Panic tinged with disbelief and terror surges through his chest. Th is isn't happening. There's no way- absolutely no fucking way! Not after everything we've-!
His body flashes hot then cold, breaking into a sweat as he begins to tremble uncontrollably, vision blurred by tears of dismay because all at once it's too much. The nausea that he'd thought long gone churning within his gut and the distinct burn of acid at the back of his throat, threatening to bubble higher to flood his mouth.
The adrenaline spike induces a wave of vertigo, causing him to stumble as he moves towards Luffy, and then his fist's raised and swinging at the other man before he can comprehend what he's doing.
Despite the regret already tightening his chest and further constricting his airway, Zoro doesn't try to pull his punch at the last minute. He knows the rubber man's just going to dodge and then fucking clobber him again anyway- so what's the point? Maybe this time he'll get lucky and Luffy'll hit him hard enough to finally knock him out, and then he can stare at the insides of his eyelids for a while instead of that awful, pained expression on his captain's face.
… but to his horrified surprise, Luffy doesn't dodge- doesn't even bring up an arm to block- and Zoro's fist smashes into his jaw hard enough to spin his head like a top and throw him clear across the lawn deck. Which might've been hilarious under different circumstances or at least far less dramatic had the swordsman struck a less powerful blow, but he'd used every ounce of strength he'd been able to muster, and Luffy sends splinters of Adam wood flying when he hits the mast and then collapses into a motionless heap at its base.
Zoro's rage is gone in an instant, consumed by pure, unadulterated terror. He races to Luffy's side and falls to his knees, hoping desperately as he turns the younger pirate over with trembling, clammy hands that he hasn't unintentionally done what a hell of a lot of Marines and other crews have been failing to accomplish for months.
After a moment or two, Luffy's eyes flutter halfway open. He squints upwards, looking almost perplexed to find Zoro hovering over him, and then he winces, hand groping for his sore jaw. "... ow."
Zoro drops backwards onto his ass, sitting down too hard, but he barely notices his own breath catching because his heart's sprinting in his chest as though attempting to escape the confines of his rib cage. “You- you idiot! Why the fuck didn't you MOVE? Duck or dodge or- or- or SOMETHING?”
“Holy shit, that- huuurts!" Luffy whines. He turns his head to spit phlegm laced with crimson and… oh god, oh GOD, that better not be a tooth or Chopper's going to kill them both. "I think- Zoro hits even h-harder- than Nami!”
“I thought you were gonna block it!”
"Eh, I figured Zoro owed me one," the captain says with a shrug, offering him a sheepish grin- and oh fucking hell, Zoro realizes, he was right. That WAS DEFINITELY a tooth he spotted disappearing into the lawn along with Luffy's bloody spit, because there's now a great big gaping HOLE in his gums where the damn thing belongs.
He parts the grass beside them where he thought he saw it fall, digging more and more frantically when at first he doesn't find anything - Nami's likely to raise his interest through the roof if the damn thing can't be reattached and they need to visit an actual hospital or some shit - but then sighs in relief mingled with revulsion when his fingers locate the hard contours of what he's pretty sure is one of his boyfriend's molars. "Oh thank fuck."
“Oi, Zoro, you think there's any food left?”
Scooping up the tooth, the first mate eyes Luffy with exasperation and chagrin. "I don't know 'n I don't care. Sencho, I coulda broken your goddamn neck!"
“If I wasn't rubber, then yeah. I guess you prob'ly woulda," Luffy agrees, and his tone's mild but his gaze is firmly fixed on Zoro, and he's got the look that means there's a lot more to it besides the actual words coming from his mouth. A look the swordsman understands as clearly as if he'd continued speaking.
Being rubber, the captain's capable of taking a lot of damage- but the rest of the crew lacks his unique resilience, and Zoro's sweat-dampened skin prickles with gooseflesh at the sobering realization that he could've easily maimed or even killed one of their nakama. Strangled the cook or snapped his hyoid. Done serious harm to Usopp or Chopper or even Nami when they tried to come to Sanji's aid.
This false pregnancy bullshit's certainly sapped his physical strength and depleted his stamina or else he wouldn't have lost to Luffy so quickly or so EASILY… but the emotional impact of the malady's playing hell with his self-control, and he finds that far more frightening than shameful. The odds of him accidentally hurting someone while he's like this... they're much too high.
"I don't care if you wanna SPAR with Sanji, but save the REAL fighting for me, 'kay? At least for now," Luffy tells him- or tries to tell him, because his tongue's busy exploring the bloody hole left by his missing tooth, so it all comes out as slurred gibberish, but it doesn't matter. He knows from his swordsman's chastened expression and bowed head that he doesn't need to repeat himself.
With the loose tooth cupped carefully in one palm to avoid dropping it back into the grass, Zoro pushes himself to his feet, trying not to wince as his spine protests the abuse it's received over the last few minutes. He dusts his free hand off on his coat, then extends it down to his captain. "C'mon- let's get you to Chopper 'n see if he can pop this shit back in, or if there's a gold tooth in your near future."
Luffy ignores the hand he's presented and instead reaches over to tug at his trouser leg. "I'm too tired to walk, Zoro. Carry me."
"... don't ask for much, do you, Captain?" Zoro grumbles, but he's smiling as he leans down again to scoop up his boyfriend, dismissing the twinge in his lower back and snorting laughter as rubber limbs immediately encircle his torso and hips multiple times. Like gettin' wrapped up by an octopus that's lost half its legs…
"Nope!" Luffy hums in his ear, arms completing another circuit so he can curl them around the first mate's shoulders and clasp his hands together at the nape of his neck. "... 'though… since we had a fight, does that mean we get to have make-up sex now? 'Cause it's kinda been a while 'n if Zoro's feelin' up to it after we finish lunch, I really, REALLY wanna have sex with 'im…"
“Heh… yeah, Sencho, I'm pretty sure that can be arranged.”
xxx
Chopper flies into absolute panic at the sight of the molar in Zoro's palm, and it takes Sanji and Franky combined to corral the screaming, flailing reindeer and remind him rather forcibly that although he may not be a dentist, he most certainly IS a doctor and therefore responsible for ensuring the tooth makes it safely back into Luffy's head.
The captain- who insists on displaying his bloody gums to anyone who's interested in taking a look as well as those who AREN'T- doesn't understand why Usopp cringes at the sight of his uneven grin and flees the room with the excuse that he needs to finish an important project in his workshop. Or why Nami threatens to knock out a few more of his teeth if he doesn't stop breathing in her face when he tries to show her how he can stick the tip of his tongue through the hole.
Zoro quickly intervenes before she can follow through with her threat, snagging Luffy by the scruff and dropping into the nearest empty chair with his arms folded around the younger pirate and pinning him to his chest. "You better move it, Chopper, if you're gonna try'n do somethin'... 'cause I can't promise how long I'm gonna be able to hold onto 'im."
Sanji deposits the flustered, squirming doctor on the table beside them, and when he leans over, the swordsman catches a glimpse of the vivid red marks his chokehold left on the blonde's pale neck and can't help cringing internally. He's found himself wanting to throttle the other man more than once, but now that he's actually done it- and due to a lack of control rather than a fair fight- it doesn't make him feel quite the way he expected.
“Oi, cook…" he begins. "I'm-"
"You'd better not be about to tell me you're sorry," Sanji growls, punching him in the shoulder. "-or I'm gonna kick that shitty green lump you call a brain through the ceiling for having THE NERVE to think YOUR weak ass could actually hurt me."
Zoro bristles, unable to retaliate because both of his hands are occupied with preventing Luffy from slithering out of his lap and under the table. "Pretty fuckin' bold of you to assume I'd even have a reason to apologize to YOUR curly-"
His retort's interrupted by Nami, who's passing behind them on her way to the kitchen sink and sets down her empty plates and dirty silverware long enough to seize each of them by an ear and clunk their skulls together. "ENOUGH! Both of you, shut up and lend Chopper a hand before Luffy swallows that damn thing!"
"Ow! Damn it, Nami, the hell's it LOOK like I'm doing?" Zoro demands, but he tightens his hold on Luffy regardless, because the navigator isn't exaggerating. While he and Sanji have been arguing, the crew's doctor has been trying unsuccessfully to re-insert the freshly rinsed tooth into the empty socket. He keeps missing because Luffy not only won't hold still but also won't stop talking.
“Sanji? Oi, Sanji! Is there any meat left?”
“Oi, Marimo- whatever you do, DON'T let go.” Sanji warns the swordsman before reaching over his shoulders and leaning forward to grab Luffy by the face. Jamming four fingers into each side of the rubber man's mouth and pulling until his lips stretch back to expose his teeth and his top and bottom jaw are spread too wide for him to talk or close his mouth. "Now, Chopper!"
Luffy's face must look freaky as fuck stretched out like that, Zoro assumes, because Chopper makes a startled sound and freezes up for a second or two, just STARING at him. The doctor recovers quickly, however. Jumping off the table and transforming into Heavy Point, he goes to work.
And he finishes none too soon, because Luffy's begun to writhe like an agitated python from the frustration of being forced to sit still for so long. His undulations rub his bottom back and forth against his first mate's lap in all the right ways at the worst time, and Chopper nearly loses a finger when Sanji releases their captain's head without warning and staggers backwards because Zoro's just uttered a guttural groan, head dropping back to collide with the cook's sternum.
“Did- did you just-? Did you just MOAN at me, you shitty bastard?"
“FUCK NO! Maybe in YOUR DREAMS, dartboard br- AH! Sencho- S-Sencho, wh-what the hell do you think you're-?"
"Whatcha think I'm doin'?" Luffy teases, leering. He's lost any interest he might've had in the dental procedure he's undergone after realizing there's a certain part of his swordsman's anatomy prodding him rather firmly in the rump, and he's swiveled around on Zoro's lap to face him. Showing off his newly repaired grin as he tugs the older pirate's shirt hem out of his haramaki and tries to reach inside. "Zoro, you promised we could-"
“I didn't mean HERE, you dumbass!”
The captain flails as he's lifted and thrown unceremoniously onto Zoro's shoulder as he rises from his seat. He scrabbles at the swordsman's coat in the middle of his back for purchase, huffing in disappointment at being interrupted- but then he realizes that being draped over the older pirate's shoulder like a sack of potatoes puts another body part within a convenient grabbing and groping distance.
“For the next hour or two, everybody stay outta the ba-GACK!" Zoro squawks as the hand worming its way into the seat of his trousers seizes one of his bare ass cheeks and gives it a firm squeeze. Giving Luffy's upended rear a hard swat in response and prompting the captain to utter a loud yelp, he sputters "BATHHOUSE! STAY OUTTA THE BATHHOUSE!” and flees for the dining hall's main entrance, his face burning and his gait awkward.
"Better make that three hours," Luffy announces, beaming at everyone as he's being carried out the door. "See you guys later!"
"... I've never met anyone quite like you people," Franky observes from the safety of the kitchen counter, behind which he'd retreated as soon as Nami started knocking heads together.
"You get used to it," the navigator assures him, retrieving her dirty plates and silverware. "Luffy has no sense of shame, unfortunately… and Zoro has an extremely hard time saying no to him." She smiles at Sanji as he rushes to intercept her, allowing him to pluck the stack from her hands and shoo her away from the sink. "-so you learn very, VERY QUICKLY to knock unless you want an eyeful of things best left unseen." Her smile turns wry. "... not that knocking's any guarantee they'll actually STOP whatever they're doing."
xxx
Much to his relief, Zoro's health continues to improve, and his nausea and headaches soon go away for good. A certain chain-smoking asshole stops asking about his due date, he's able to cautiously resume his normal training, and- thanks to Luffy being eager to make up for lost time- he and his captain succeed in traumatizing most of the crew when they learn just how sensitive and responsive his body's become thanks to the lingering effects of his hormonal imbalance.
It's only a few days later that he spots the barrel bobbing in the ocean and all hell breaks loose after they bring it aboard and pry open the head- only to discover it doesn't contain the alcohol or treasure they were hoping to find.
The first mate's furious when he's caught off-guard in the castle, knowing his slow reaction time and inability to properly defend himself are due to a lack of proper sleep as well as the mental and physical strain from which he's still recovering. It's a poor consolation, but at least Sanji falls prey to the castle's denizens before him. It's humiliating enough that he's been captured in the first place, but it would've been unbearable being forced to listen to the cook's snide comments if he'd gotten caught before him.
Luffy'd already been excited to meet Brook and enthused by the prospect of getting to kick Moria's ass, but Zoro's blood doesn't really start pumping faster until he faces off against the legendary swordsman everyone's been babbling about and has the opportunity to test just how out of shape his body's become. And while the earlier fighting's certainly been a decent work-out, battling Ryuuma stretches muscles he doesn't think he's used in weeks, and finally, FINALLY, he's starting to feel really normal again.
Besides, he WANTS that sword.
And when it's over, and he's sprawled victorious on the ruined rooftop, panting and watching the flames blazing in the tower overheard while he clutches his new katana… he's biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from grinning. He owes Ryuuma the courtesy of treating this transfer with the proper gravity by NOT whooping like a fool, he supposes, even if he's sorely tempted- and even though he can hear Brook dancing about, shouting that he's regained his shadow. He's also very familiar with the sort of aches and pains he's feeling now, which are combat-induced and not side effects of the yagara eggs, and that's a huge relief as well.
… true, he does get put down rather quickly when he launches his furious attack on Oars, and he needs to be rescued by Robin- something he's certain he'll be hearing about from the cook FOR DAYS- but this only means it's time for him to stop screwing around, break out his bandana and make his captain proud.
(That whole Franky-docking thing, by the way? It never happened, and he'll draw steel on anyone who claims otherwise.)
Although Zoro's grateful for the opportunity to get better acquainted with Shuusui, his new blade is a bit of a bitch to work with… and everybody keeps SCREAMING at him that he's nuts for challenging someone who outweighs him by a couple million pounds or so. Not that he's about to let either of those things prevent him from doing his duty as first mate, of course. He'll protect the crew- keep every one of its members safe, keep them ALIVE- no matter how much of his blood, sweat and tears that he needs to shed in order to hold out until Luffy arrives.
The younger pirate enters the fray like a tsunami, and not only does he employ his abilities with liberal abandon against Oars, but he also shows up wielding a FREAKING SWORD. And he's- blue? Which is- okay, that part's pretty fucking WEIRD, and yet… watching him fight makes Zoro's heart hammer harder and faster, his racing pulse throbbing in his neck and groin until he's nearly giddy with desire.
How could he NOT be affected thus by the sight of the younger pirate, looking so large and imposing and rippling with muscle as he smashes his opponents into submission using his temporary new form, aided by the shadows he's borrowed until they're forced to flee back to their owners. Using Gear Third to finish Oars and Gear Second to pummel Moria before COMBINING Second and Third to finally defeat the Warlord.
A warlord. His boyfriend's taken out ANOTHER FUCKING WARLORD.
He's never been so proud of Luffy or loved him so much as he does in that moment, and so when Kuma appears in their midst and proceeds to strike them down with a single attack, Zoro's only thought is the safety of the unconscious man sprawled behind him.
Driven to his knees before the hulking Shichibukai with half the castle reduced to rubble around them, he doesn't care that he can feel the grating of broken ribs or the wet warmth of fresh blood spilling down the sticky film already drying on his face; he's ready to defend Luffy with the last breath in his body, because- because that smiling rubber idiot means everything.
If the Tyrant towering over him wants a head, then so be it, and in the moment before he thrusts both arms into the bubble, taking on the accumulation of stress and fatigue belonging to his captain, Zoro's last coherent thought is that although he may not be capable of creating new life for Luffy- of giving him the child he's realized he wants- he can certainly still offer his own.