Chapter Text
“He’s going to kill me.”
Seokjin frowned, pulling gently at Jimin’s elbow to lead him away from the others, pacing the hospital hallways until he was sure they were well out of earshot. “Talk to me Jimin. Why do you think Yoongi would kill you?”
“He doesn’t want children. He’s going to think I did this on purpose like Taehyung did to… I don’t know, trick him or whatever. I didn’t though, I swear, I don’t even know when this happened. I take my pill at the same time every single day no matter what, I carry it around with me so that if I’m out I still take it at the right time every day. But he won’t believe me, because I hardly believe it myself, because it just doesn’t make any sense!”
“Okay, okay, stay calm,” Seokjin attempted, pulling Jimin into a hug.
“You can’t tell him. Don’t tell anyone.”
“I haven’t ever told anyone, and I won’t. It’s not my secret to tell, but Jimin, you need to tell him. Whether you end up keeping it or not, you won’t be able to hide it from him forever, so better to get it over and done with. How far along are you?”
“Excuse me, it’s Seokjin-ssi, isn’t it?”
The pair looked round, spotting a smiling face hovering nearby, carrying a car seat. “You look familiar,” Seokjin commented, looking the man over. The gentleman in him wanted to offer to carry the car seat as the younger man shifted uncomfortably on the spot. “Have we met before? I’m sorry, I don’t recall.”
“Not exactly. I’m a friend of Taehyungie’s from back in school. Jung Hoseok,” he smiled, extending his hand. “I saw you come to pick him up a lot, but I don’t think we were ever properly introduced.”
Seokjin smiled, taking his hand and shaking it gently, mindful of the child he carried. “It’s good to meet you, Hoseok. Taehyung did mention a while ago that he had run into you and that you were expecting. Congratulations on your new arrival.”
“Thank you. We’ve just been for a little check-up, so he’s a bit grumpy,” Hoseok giggled, turning the car seat so that Seokjin and Jimin were able to see the baby snuffling within. “I’m guessing that you’re here to welcome his little one?”
Seokjin nodded, a blinding smile covering his features. “A baby girl, just about fifteen minutes ago. Would you like to see them?”
“No, no, let them be together. I’ll call on you all sometime though, if it won’t be a bother to you?” Hoseok asked, recalling that Taehyung had moved in with Seokjin.
“It’s never a bother. If fact, the more the merrier. Oh, I’m sorry, how rude of me! Hoseok this is Park Jimin. Jimin is the best friend of Jungkook, who I assume you met already?” he asked, nudging Jimin forward.
“I didn’t really meet Jungkook, but I did get a peek at him. Excuse me if it’s none of my business but to save me putting my foot in it… did they work things out in the end?”
“Last I heard, today was their last day together,” Seokjin told him, shaking his head sadly. “It’s a shame, but at least now we can all start to move forward.”
“It really is a shame… I was sure that he would stick around. He just had a way about him… I guess you can’t judge a book by its cover though. Can I ask a favour? Can you watch Seyeong for a minute? I really hate taking him into the bathroom with me, but I don’t think I can wait until I get home.”
“Of course,” Seokjin smiled, reaching out to take the seat. “If we aren’t here when you come back, you can find us in waiting room seven.”
“Okay, thank you!” Hoseok called out, already scurrying away down the hall.
Seokjin turned his attention back to Jimin but he didn’t have the time to continue as Namjoon came strolling down the hall. “There you are! I think he’s just about ready for us to go in and meet her,” he explained, pausing as he took in the new addition. “Jin… where did you get a baby?”
Seokjin laughed, hooking Jimin with his free hand and starting to wander back toward the waiting room. “Taehyung’s friend Hoseok introduced himself and asked if we could watch him for a minute while he used the bathroom; he knows where to find us. What, did you think I stole him or something?”
Namjoon laughed aloud. “No, of course not. He’s a real cutie though,” he cooed, peering down at the tiny face peeking out of his blankets. “Do you think he would let us have a hold?”
Seokjin couldn’t help smiling at Namjoon’s enthusiasm. “All you can do is ask. One thing at a time though, lets get back and make sure that Taehyung and Jungkook are both okay.”
~*~
“I’m not ready to do this, Jungkookie,” Taehyung murmured sadly, settling himself back into bed following his bath, still sore and tired but feeling a lot better for being clean. “I need some time. I had finally reached a kind of peace knowing that you wouldn’t be there and this…” he trailed off, eyes coming to rest on where Jungkook sat in the chair beside him, their daughter bundled up in his arms. “She has to come first.”
“She does,” Jungkook agreed, and for the first time Taehyung noticed the silent tears that were rolling down his cheeks. “I’ll do whatever it takes, even if that means staying away for now. But I can’t leave her, Tae. I just can’t. I love her too much.”
“Please, don’t,” Taehyung begged, feeling himself start to break. “I just need time, Jungkook, please. Just give me that. After everything… I don’t know if I can let you.”
Jungkook nodded as more tears started to flood his face and he shifted carefully out of his seat, planting a lingering kiss against Sarang’s head before he passed her into Taehyung’s arms. “I’ll wait, Tae. I’ll wait forever,” he stuttered out, leaning over to kiss Sarang one more time. “I’ll never stop loving you,” he whispered to the infant before forcing himself to walk away. There was nothing left to say that the two of them hadn’t said several times already.
He was silent for a long moment as he stepped back into the waiting room and closed the door behind himself, unable to look up as he spoke. “I was wrong. And it’s too late now.”
His lip started to shake and Jimin shot across the room, pulling Jungkook into his arms as he broke. “It’s not. It’s not too late. Tell him now. Don’t leave things like this.”
“I told him last night,” Jungkook choked out. “He still wants me to go. I’ve lost everything and it’s all my fault, it’s my fault.”
Seokjin passed the car seat to Namjoon, drifting over to rub his hand over Jungkook’s back. “Don’t give up yet. I’ll talk to him when he’s up to it and see what I can do. I can’t promise anything, but if you are serious about being there for that little girl, then you should be given that chance, no matter how long you waited to voice it. We’ve all known for months that you cared about her more than you were willing to say.”
“For now, we need to just give him a little space,” Jimin added. “This has probably come as a shock to him after what you agreed before; he needs time to get his head around it all. Jinnie, can you send us over some pictures, that kind of thing?”
Seokjin nodded, tightening his arm a little more firmly around Jungkook’s shoulders, honestly heartbroken for the younger man. “Of course, I will. And I’ll call you the very second I have any kind of information. I don't know what it will mean for you and Taehyung but she is your daughter, so I’ll find a way for you to see her. Take care of each other, I’ll speak to you as soon as I can, I promise.”
Jimin nodded, slowly guiding Jungkook out of the room and Seokjin immediately slipped into Taehyung’s room, finding him wrapped around his daughter with tears in his eyes. “Oh, Taehyungie…” Seokjin started, honestly not sure what to say. This wasn’t a conversation they could have yet, it was too raw. “Can I hold her?”
Taehyung nodded, holding the infant out for Seokjin to take. “Can you take her a little while? I need to sleep.”
“Of course. Are you okay with me introducing her to everyone?”
Taehyung nodded, already sliding down under the blanket, trying to hold himself together. “Yeah. It’s fine. Can you see if I can leave after I sleep too? I don’t want to stay here. I want to go home.”
Seokjin leaned over, pressing a kiss to Taehyung’s forehead. “I’ll get it all sorted out for you, you just focus on getting some rest. She really is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Taehyungie, I’m so proud of you.”
Taehyung only smiled back at him, letting it fall away the second Seokjin was outside the door. She was beautiful. Of course, she was. Everything from her Bambi-eyes to the curve of her nose; she looked exactly like Jungkook.
~*~
The night was long for Jimin as he attempted to help Jungkook.
The man was beside himself with sorrow and self-loathing and nothing Jimin did or said could make it better and the whole situation had him in a spiral of his own. He had fully intended to continue his friendship with Taehyung but this new development changed things.
He loved Taehyung, of course he did, and he fully understood his resistance to the idea after spending so long preparing himself for the end, but how could he still spend time with him knowing that his best friend was left devastated and unable to see his daughter?
Seokjin had been as good as his word, sending a flurry of pictures of the tiny girl that Jimin hadn’t had a chance to see before they left the hospital. With it came a series of messages, explaining that he would speak to Taehyung in the morning once he’d had the time to rest after the birth, and that if nothing else, he would try and find a way to convince him to let Jungkook see her each day, even if just for a little while.
“Jungkookie, do you want anything?” Jimin asked softly, crouching in front of the sofa where Jungkook lay, wrapped in the blanket that had so often been wrapped around Taehyung in the exact same spot. He leaned in, brushing a few odd strands of his hair from his face but it did little to break him out of his despondency. “Just… tell me if you need anything,” he sighed sadly, pacing away to the kitchen to fix some dinner.
He wanted to message Taehyung, but he didn’t really know what to say, finally settling for keeping it simple. ‘I hope you're doing well. I'll come and visit you when you're feeling up to it. I love you.’
The message was received and read almost at once, but no reply came.
In fact, a full week went by, and Taehyung never sent either of them a single thing.
~*~
“This is going too far, Joon, we need to step in. I know you’re not a fan of me interfering, but Jimin is texting me every few hours telling me about the mess Jungkook is getting himself into, and seeing as how I was the one that brought him into this, I owe it to him.”
“He’s messaged me too,” Namjoon admitted. “To a degree I can understand what Tae is trying to do, but if Jungkook is going to have the chance then now is the time to do it. She’s too small to remember him if it doesn’t work out but the problem is convincing Taehyung of that. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he just gets so upset…”
“He’s exhausted. He’s trying so hard to prove that he can do it on his own that he won’t let me help him. I get up every night, but I just end up sitting next to him while he carries on. As much as I don’t want him to think I’m betraying him, at this point I almost think it would be better to just invite Jungkook over without his agreement to it.”
Namjoon considered the idea for a long moment. “We have to consider both ways it could go though. It might soften Taehyung to the idea of letting Jungkook see her if he sees how upset he is, but at the same time it could push him further into wanting everyone to stay away from her. He barely lets us interact with her as it is.”
“I know that, but I don’t see it getting any better, do you? Half of this behaviour is down to him trying to protect her from potentially losing Jungkook the way he did, but I think the other half is just down to losing the two people he relied on most. He won’t talk to Jimin either since he left the hospital with Jungkook, and I know why he’s upset about that, I know he thinks Jimin ‘picked a side’, but Jimin has never thought like that. He’s always walked the line and kept his feelings separate. The fact is, he never lost them, they’re still there and he needs to be made to see that.”
Seokjin toyed with the phone in his hands, his own mind already made up but waiting for Namjoon’s response. He rarely steered him wrong, and if he said that the idea was terrible, he was open to reconsidering, but something needed to happen.
“Okay. Invite Jungkook over but ask Jimin to wait. We don’t want Tae to feel like they’re ganging up on him.”
As much as he didn’t like the idea of Jimin being left out, Seokjin nodded, tapping out a fairly extensive text to the pair of them, explaining his intentions and reasoning, attaching a few more pictures he had taken during the night, one including Taehyung fast asleep on the floor of the nursery with Sarang in her bouncy seat beside him.
The replies came quickly; Jimin stating that he understood and that it was more important for Jungkook to get time with his daughter for now, and Jungkook asking if he should bring anything for her. Seokjin tapped out a message to tell him that there was nothing she needed, but to come with the expectation that it might cause upset, which he would try and curb to the best of his ability.
“He’s coming tomorrow morning.”
Namjoon sighed, rubbing his hands over his face as he settled back against his pillow. “I hope we’re doing the right thing.”
“So do I.”
~*~
“How are they doing?” Jungkook asked as Seokjin waved him inside with his fingers pressed to his lips.
“They’re both asleep, but Sarang will be awake for her feed in half an hour or so. Do you want anything while you wait?
Jungkook shook his head, half crushed by his guilt. Seokjin looked exhausted, and he had no doubt that Taehyung was suffering just as badly.
The night Taehyung and Sarang had come home from the hospital, Taehyung had told him that he wasn’t ready for Jungkook to be with them full time, and it was entirely understandable, given how long he had remained undecided on his parental status; it still hurt though, especially when ‘not yet’ started to feel more like ‘never’. Night after night he lay awake looking at pictures of his daughter and wondering if she was okay; pulling together every penny he could spare to buy things he thought she might need for when Taehyung would allow him to visit.
He wished he could go back to the start and do everything differently. He released far too late just how in love he was, and not just with Taehyung. The first time he had seen his baby, he couldn’t walk away from her, he just couldn’t seem to make himself believe he was capable of being everything she needed. He still wasn’t sure he was, but he knew he would do whatever it took to be the man that could make Sarang proud to call him her father.
“You should be sleeping too, I can wait. I wish I could do more for you all,” he added sadly, looking at the meagre bag of items he had brought along. “If Taehyung will let me, I’ll stay on the sofa for the night and watch over her so you can all rest. I feel so useless. I understand that he doesn’t trust me right now, but I miss her every second.”
“I know you do, and you know if I could change his mind then I would. Perhaps, for now, I could persuade him to let you stay a full day, even if he won’t let you stay the night. It would do all of us some good.”
The moment was interrupted by the sound of footsteps along the hall and Namjoon appeared, Sarang nestled at his shoulder. “Hey, Jungkookie. Tae’s still asleep,” he explained, frowning a little. “I thought it might buy you a little extra time if I brought her down for her feed a few minutes early.”
Jungkook was already out of his chair, arms extended to take the whimpering infant. “Are you sure Taehyungie won’t be mad? I want all the time I can get, but I don’t want you arguing because of me. He needs you.”
“And Sarang needs you. If he’s mad with me, then I’ll handle it; you deserve time with your baby, and she deserves time with you, and that’s all there is too it. Taehyung can get there in his own time, and that’s his prerogative, but he shouldn’t decide on her behalf when she is clearly happy to be with you.”
Jungkook peered down at Sarang, finding that she had fallen asleep again on his arm, her face turned into his chest. “I want to be good at this.”
“You already are,” Seokjin smiled, leaning over Jungkook’s shoulder to brush his fingers over Sarang’s downy hair. “You showed up for her. You love her. Nothing compares to that. So long as you stand by her for as long as she needs you to, you are a good father.”
A thud from above them brought the conversation to a halt and Seokjin darted for the stairs, anticipating Taehyung’s arrival. “It’s alright, we’ve got her,” he called in a hushed voice, but Taehyung pushed past him, eyes fixed on Jungkook.
“What are you doing here?”
“I won’t stay long,” Jungkook submitted sadly, desperate to prevent any further reason for Taehyung to push him out, despite his want to stay. “I just wanted to see her, Tae. Just for a little bit. I miss her so much... I miss you.”
Taehyung softened a little, though his eyes betrayed his wariness. “Fine.”
Namjoon pulled at Seokjin’s elbow and the pair silently made their exit, leaving Jungkook and Taehyung in an awkward silence.
“I’ll never stop, Tae. I love you, and I love our daughter. I would rather die than give up. No matter how long it takes, I’ll find a way to make you believe in me.”
Taehyung nodded, not quite able to find it in himself to look at Jungkook holding Sarang anymore. They looked like they belonged together, and that hurt more than anything. “Go and sit down, I’ll get her bottle.”
Her feed was a silent affair; Taehyung didn’t know what to say and Jungkook didn’t dare say anything that might upset Taehyung and cause the elder to prematurely ask him to leave. He set the emptied bottle down beside himself on the sofa, lifting Sarang onto his shoulder and patting firmly at her back, well educated from the research he had done the night before. He wanted more than anything to show Taehyung that he was making the effort and would be good for them both.
A belch emitted from the tiny form that sounded entirely too big for her body, a little chuckle escaping Jungkook as he changed from patting to rubbing at her back. “Good girl.”
Taehyung climbed out of his seat, wandering slowly across the room and holding his hands out to take her and Jungkook felt himself panic at the implication. “Can’t I hold her a little longer?”
Taehyung’s eyes softened once again. He was starting to question his choice, but all the same, he needed to know that Jungkook wasn’t just playing with them. He needed to believe that he would be there always, and not just until the novelty wore off. “I’m not taking her away. I’m just going to ask Jin to watch her for a bit while we talk. We need to figure this out, one way or another, and I want to do that now. I don’t want this strung out with little visits for months if it’s not going anywhere.”
Jungkook nodded slowly, relinquishing his grip on the tiny form, despite his upset at watching Taehyung walk away with her once again. But Taehyung was right. They needed to find some solution to things. He couldn’t stand being apart from them anymore and he hoped beyond hope that he could make Taehyung believe that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to be there for his daughter, even if it had to be on Taehyung’s terms for now.
Taehyung returned, settling into the sofa, wincing a little as he arranged himself.
“I want to start by thanking you and saying that I’m sorry. Believe it or not, I didn’t intend for it to be this long before you saw her again. I don’t want her to be some pawn in this whole thing.”
“She’s not a pawn. I know you’re only doing it because you don’t trust me. You’re trying to keep her safe, but you don’t need to. I’ve always only wanted what’s best for her, and for you.”
“I thought I was better than this, though. I meant what I said to you all those months ago, Jungkookie. I changed because of you, and I’ll always appreciate everything you did for me. You made me strong enough to realise that I could do this on my own because I’m not alone. I never was. I chose to stand apart, but there were always people there for me. You and Jimin are the best friends I’ve ever had and I’m repaying that by pushing you away. But still… you hurt me. I wanted so much, every day, for you to say that you would stay with us. That you wanted to be a family together. But you never did. How can I trust that what you’re doing is for her, and not just so you can be with me? I have to put her above everything, and if that means I lose you, then that’s how it has to be.”
“I understand that, of course I do. I don’t know how I can ever prove something like that, but I’ll never give up. I love her, and I love you too. If you told me you never wanted to see me again, I’d hate it, but I could find a way through as long as I still had Sarang.”
“Then why? Why did you wait so long? You can’t tell me that you went from seeing her as ‘mine’ to seeing her as ‘ours’ just because I was in labour.”
Jungkook sighed. “It’s… Okay, you have to understand that I know you didn’t… A few years ago, I was with another guy, Minso. We were happy, for a while, but things were getting kind of rocky… then just as I had decided to break things off, he told me he was pregnant.”
Taehyung startled at the information. “You already have a child?”
“No, no. It’s not like that. I stayed with him, went to appointments, carried around a scan picture in my wallet,” he explained, extracting his wallet from his back pocket and opening it to show Taehyung the sonogram of Sarang that he still kept there before reaching behind it to extract another, almost identical one. “I wasn’t ready to be a dad, but it was my responsibility, so I convinced myself that I could love Minso, and I did fall in love with the idea that I was going to have a child. But he lied.”
Taehyung frowned as he stared at the pictures, shifting a little closer. “What do you mean?”
“It wasn’t mine. He cheated on me, and the other guy wasn’t interested in being a father, so he told me it was mine. He knew that I wouldn’t walk away from something like that, so he lied to me. Four months I spent doing everything in my power to make sure our baby would be the happiest one in the world, just for that other guy to approach me and tell me I was being taken for a fool. I was devastated.”
He paused, taking a few deep breaths to settle the light quake in his voice. “I don’t think there was ever a time, right from the beginning, when I didn’t love Sarang, but every time I let myself feel it… You’re not to blame for any of this, it was all me, but you kept changing your mind on keeping her or not and pulling away, and I know that it was all my fault that you were like that, but it made it so hard for me to want it. I was so scared that I would let myself love her and I would lose her, just like I lost my other little girl.”
Taehyung cracked, pulling Jungkook into his shoulder. “And then you finally said yes to us, and I took her from you. I’m so sorry, Jungkookie. I’m so sorry. You should have told me. I would have understood. I never would have done this. I never would have kept her from you.”
“I know. I deserved this.”
“No. No you didn’t,” Taehyung told him firmly. “We both held back too much. I kept telling you I was fine with whatever choice you made, and I wasn’t. I should have told you that, and you should have told me why you couldn’t say yes. We both fucked this up.”
“I just want a chance, Tae. I don’t want your money, and I don’t expect us to just pick up where we left off, and if you can’t trust me then there’s nothing I can do about that, but I need Sarang,” he paused, gathering himself again and pulling away from Taehyung, reluctant to get comfortable in the tentative embrace. “You asked me a couple of months back what I meant when I said I couldn’t do it again… it was this. It was losing a child that I love.”
Taehyung’s face slowly lowered, fingers twisting in his lap. “I’m tired…”
Jungkook nodded, making to climb off the sofa but Taehyung caught his wrist. “Maybe… maybe you could sit with her a while, so I can sleep… if that’s okay?”
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I won’t be. Just… just don’t take her out. Stay here,” he requested, anxiety spiking a little at the idea of Sarang being more than a few meters away. When he had woken and found that she wasn’t in her bassinette he had almost broken his neck running through the house to find her, despite realistically knowing that Seokjin and Namjoon often picked her up and walked her round the house to settle her when she woke. Finding her in the arms of someone outside of his ‘bubble’ had shaken him a little, but, watching Jungkook interact with her had settled it just slightly. He never supposed that the younger man ever meant any harm, but his fatigued brain was fast to suggest that he might take her away.
“I won’t go anywhere, I promise.”
“I can’t promise I’m not going to put walls up but… but we’ll figure something out.”
“That’s all I want, and it’s more than I deserve. I’m sorry, Tae.”
“No more being sorry. We start again. Different from before, but without… we go forward knowing what we should have known.”
Jungkook nodded, leaning forward off the couch and picking up one of the bags he had brought with him. “I wanted to give you this.”
Taehyung frowned a little as he took the bag, not yet looking inside as he got up. “I’ll ask Jin to bring her back down when she wakes up and we’ll talk more later, okay?”
Jungkook smiled, a little of the sparkle coming back to his eyes. “Okay. Sleep well, Tae.”
Taehyung wandered away, quickly finding Namjoon and Seokjin in the nursery and giving the briefest explanation that Jungkook would be staying a while and that the details would be figured out as they went along before he headed for his room and climbed into bed, only then opening the bag and peering inside, swallowing hard as his fingers graced the contents.
He lifted the soft, yellow fabric from the bag, drawing the blanket around his shoulders, indulging in the smell of Jimin and Jungkook’s apartment that was woven into the fabric, months of comfort and calm as he curled up on their sofa flooding over him as he wrapped it around himself and settled down to get some much-needed sleep.