Chapter Text
Kotoko really, really hates being in Milgram.
Well, it’s hardly an unexpected response- nearly all of them hate being in Milgram, excepting Haruka, who’s a freak, and Shidou, who thinks he deserves to be there. But Kotoko really hates it.
She hates the bizarre, unnecessarily prolonged way Milgram handles its trials.
She hates how everyone views her as a psychopath, instead of viewing her as the hand of righteous justice.
She hates how Es views her as a murderer, and not as their sworn ally and the enforcer of their judgements.
She hates how their warden is a fifteen-year-old amnesiac who spends half their time talking to a jackalope and claiming that the jackalope talks back.
And she really, really hates the other inmates.
Well… that’s not strictly true. As much as she hates to admit it, after spending so much time with them, they’ve endeared themselves to her.
Well, most of them have.
Some of them, anyway.
Somewhat.
But that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t found things to hate about them.
She hates Haruka’s whining, cringing, ‘kicked dog’ demeanour, and how he refuses to try to find any real inner strength in favour of wallowing in how pathetic he is.
She hates Yuno’s insistence on putting up as many barriers as she can to keep everyone away from her, because she’s terrified of criticism.
She hates Futa’s refusal to admit that behind his self-righteousness, he’s just another bully, attacking those he sees as beneath him.
She hates how Mu acts as if nobody could possibly have realised what she really is beneath her ‘poor little me’ façade.
She hates how Shidou’s apathy has made him into almost a walking corpse, that he’s eschewed attempting to redeem himself or do anything as payment for his crime in favour of just lying down and waiting to die.
She hates that Mahiru is somehow so delusional that she can’t understand why it’s wrong that her actions and beliefs led to a death.
She hates Kazui’s cowardice, and how he spends so much time lamenting the fallout from his lies but still refuses to tell the truth.
She hates how obvious it is that literally everyone in Amane’s life has failed her catastrophically, and how Amane refuses to see anything but what she wants to see.
But most of all, she really, really hates Mikoto. Both Mikotos, technically.
As she’d first got to know the others, and came to understand the nature of the place they found themselves within, she’d wondered if maybe Milgram had made a mistake with Mikoto. He’d been so clueless, and so vehement in his claims of innocence, that she’d been prepared to accept that maybe there really had been a mistake somewhere.
As time went on, and Mikoto’s behaviour started to get weirder and more disruptive, Kotoko formed a new theory: she’d thought that perhaps Mikoto was suffering from memory loss due to some kind of condition, and thus he’d committed a murder, but then subsequently forgot it. Obviously she wasn’t a doctor, so she had no way of confirming it, but it seemed as good an answer as any.
Before she could ask Shidou for his opinion, she’d discovered that her theory was… sort of right, but mostly wrong. Namely, she discovered that Mikoto had a split personality, which made a lot of sense. She’d also discovered that A, the second personality was a murderous scumbag, B, the second personality wasn’t subject to the rules of Milgram, and C, the second personality was more than happy to fight others, which included beating the living hell out of Es, a teenager who couldn’t fight back.
She’d stopped that, protected Es and forged an alliance with them in the process- a job well done. Even if Es seemed leery of properly teaming up with her, it was a good start. They were a bit… well, for lack of a better word, uptight about Kotoko’s own status as a murderer, but she was sure they’d come around. And besides, it wasn’t like they could really afford to just dismiss an offer of help, not after Mikoto’s other self had left them bruised and bleeding.
Kotoko had wondered after her interrogation if Es intended to change anything about the procedures for Mikoto’s unusual case, but as time went on, it seemed apparent that they had no such intentions. That was fine by her. It wasn’t her job to debate whether or not it was an injustice, it was her job to administer justice. So when the votes came in and four of her fellow prisoners were found guilty, she knew what she had to do. Es had suddenly disappeared- asleep, apparently- and Jackalope didn’t do anything except hop around and look adorable. It was down to her, and Kotoko had administered justice, her way.
It hadn’t exactly gone the way she’d intended. Kazui had interrupted her attack on Futa; instead of fighting him, which would have been incredibly stupid since they both knew he’d win in a straight fight, she’d retreated and gone after Mahiru. Kazui had been so busy trying to help Futa that he hadn’t realised what was going on until it was too late. Instead, Mikoto- the second Mikoto- had pulled Kotoko away from Mahiru’s broken body and asked her if she was too much of a coward to go after someone who could fight back. Kotoko was always one for a challenge, and given that he was also on her list, she’d been more than happy to oblige him.
It had been a hell of a fight. Kotoko had years of martial arts training, as well as considerable experience with fighting people who were bigger and stronger than her. The other Mikoto obviously didn’t have much technique, but he was fuelled by rage and adrenaline. The fight had been prolonged and nasty, with both of them eschewing dramatics and going for the kill. Eventually, they wore each other out enough that Kazui could grab Kotoko, throw her into her cell and block the door without getting a broken arm for it. From what she’d heard, Mikoto had also been confined to his cell, though he’d reverted back to his original personality pretty quickly and had been let out the next day. Kotoko, on the other hand, hadn’t been let out until Es had woken up three days later.
It hadn’t exactly been the most enjoyable three days of her life. They hadn’t starved her, but it was rather obvious that she was an afterthought, with Haruka or Yuno or whoever else they could cajole into delivering her meals doing so as quickly as possible before leaving just as fast. Kazui and Shidou had waited until the day after they’d first locked her in to talk to her, and then they’d attempted to talk her down and negotiate what was, in essence, a ceasefire- the assurance of safety for the other prisoners.
The key word was ‘attempted’, because Kotoko hadn’t needed any convincing in order to agree. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to finish what she’d started, especially with dozens of voices of approval in her ears, but it was blatantly obvious that she wouldn’t be allowed to do so. Without Es around, she knew that the others would take any measures possible to prevent her from meting out justice, so there was no point in refusing. Milgram ran on a three-trial system, after all- there would be plenty of time in the future.
So she’d assented to their demands, even though it hadn’t got her out of the cell any faster. The others had felt that ceasefire or no ceasefire, she deserved some kind of punishment, so they’d decided to keep her locked up until either a week had passed or Es woke up, whichever came first. Kotoko had done her best to stay calm, but there was only so much she could do to keep herself distracted, and even then she was growing steadily more irritated. And while the cells had their own toilets, not being able to shower was not fun. So she’d been quite glad when Es had let her out.
Of course, she hadn’t exactly received a welcoming reception. Kotoko had expected anger from the others, it was only natural. And she’d expected some of them to shun her for a while. But all of them except Es and Amane, of all people, were completely ignoring her, and being ignored was… well, even a loner like Kotoko didn’t like it.
*
After Es had mandated her release (and after Kotoko had taken a shower), they’d gathered everyone together in the hall. It was a grim sight: Mahiru in her wheelchair and Futa standing behind her, both of them covered in bruises and bandages. Shidou and Kazui close by, guarding them protectively. The others huddled around them, casting nervous or hateful looks in Kotoko’s direction. Kotoko herself, standing away from them and off to one side, not looking at the others. And Es and Jackalope, standing in front of them.
It was almost funny that they’d all started relying on Es as an authority figure, Kotoko thought. Almost.
Es had told them bluntly that after waking up, they’d been informed of everything that had happened while they were asleep. (Informed by who? Kotoko had thought incredulously. Jackalope?) They’d said that now they were awake, it was time for the Second Trial to begin. As such, there would be no more fighting between prisoners.
It was the way they said it, Kotoko thinks. Not ‘I won’t allow any more fighting’ or ‘Fighting will not be tolerated’, just ‘There will be no more fighting between prisoners’, as if the very laws of reality would bow down to their wishes.
It was almost intimidating. She’d been tempted to give Es a round of applause.
Everyone had looked at her and Mikoto. Kotoko hadn’t bothered dignifying that with a response; Mikoto, of course, had been as clueless as ever. God knew what he’d been told as to how he’d wound up confined to his cell.
After lecturing them some more, Es had dismissed them and then asked Kotoko to remain behind. This had got a lot of muttering and more glances from the others, but they’d left. Once everyone had gone, Kotoko had folded her arms and looked at Es. “If this is supposed to be a private conversation, should we move it elsewhere? Someone could be listening outside.”
“This is fine,” Es had said, but they’d paused, looked around and said loudly, “If anyone is listening in, please leave.”
There were no sounds of anyone walking away. Kotoko shrugged noncommittally.
“I’ve been informed about your actions while I was asleep,” they’d started. “You gravely injured Futa and Mahiru, and attacked Mikoto.”
Kotoko waited.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“What I did was merely justice,” Kotoko said calmly. “I explained it to you before.”
“Yes, you explained your viewpoint,” Es replied. “And I made my viewpoint clear to you in return: you are a prisoner. You are just another inmate here. You don’t have the right to attack others, no matter your reasoning.”
Kotoko smiled. “But Es, don’t you see? I did it for you.”
Es had actually taken a step back. “For… me?”
“I told you before,” she said. “If you find me innocent, then we should be companions. You are the judge and jury, but not the executioner. You found me innocent: I am your executioner, Es. I am your fangs. I am your right hand. I am your weapon. You make a ruling, and I carry out the punishment.”
Es shook their head vehemently. “No. No! I never said that… I never wanted that! I didn’t want you to hurt anyone!”
Kotoko tilted her head. “No?”
“No!”
“But, Warden…” she said softly. “If you didn’t want them punished, then why did you find them guilty?”
Es’ face had gone blank, as if she’d suddenly started speaking a language they didn’t understand. Then their eyes widened, as if she’d abruptly grown another head.
“Warden?” Kotoko asked, concerned.
Es had backed away slowly, and then bolted from the room without speaking. In their wake, Kotoko stared after them, wondering what the hell was going on.
*
So, she’d put ‘mete out justice to everyone who deserves it’ on the backburner. But that still left her with two things to investigate: first was the nature of Milgram, and second was what the fuck was up with Es.
The most she could really do to investigate right now was watch and listen. Everyone except Jackalope and Amane were steering as clear of her as they could physically manage, but Kotoko kept to the sidelines and made herself as unobtrusive as possible. By fading into the background, she was able to eavesdrop on the others, mostly without being noticed.
The interrogations and trials had begun again. As they proceeded, Kotoko kept a close eye on the others, looking for their responses to whatever passed between them and Es. Most of them were… well, there was nothing really unexpected happening. But that didn’t mean that there was nothing to see.
Amane was concerning, to say the least. The pre-teen had barely waited a day after Kotoko’s release to ask her to continue her tutelage; as baffled as Kotoko had been by the offer, she had accepted. While a loner by nature, Kotoko still preferred some contact with others to none, even if it was with a child who’d grown up in a cult, committed a murder and had descended headfirst into their strictures after being found guilty for her crime.
In all of their interactions, Amane acted as if two of her fellow inmates weren’t now suffering from severe injuries. At first, Kotoko had thought that this was some kind of self-defence through denial- that Amane was pretending that nobody had been attacked so she could keep learning with Kotoko without having to acknowledge that she was in the same group as those who had been attacked. But as time passed, Kotoko felt sure in thinking that either Amane genuinely believed herself to be safe, or just didn’t care about the others. And that was an unnerving thought.
A few days after they returned to studying, Amane had looked up at Kotoko and asked “Kotoko-san, may I ask you a question?”
“Sure,” Kotoko had replied as she looked at Amane’s answers on a history quiz.
She’d been expecting a question about geography, which was what Amane was reading about, but instead, Amane had looked up at her and said sweetly, “Did you hurt Futa and Mahiru because they were found guilty?”
Kotoko had been startled enough that she’d dropped her pen. Instead of scrambling to pick it up, she’d just nodded curtly.
“Is that how you think the guilty should be punished?” Amane continued, and there was a look in her eyes that Kotoko really didn’t like. A sort of smug knowingness, like she knew something nobody else did and relished it.
“Yes,” Kotoko said curtly.
(In hindsight, she should have changed the subject. She knows she should have changed the subject. But she’d been startled…)
“But you didn’t attack me,” Amane had said, looking theatrically surprised, as if it had only just occurred to her.
“No,” Kotoko had replied. “I didn’t.” Unsure of whether or not to explain further, she’d opted to keep silent.
Amane had smiled so broadly Kotoko had wanted to move away from her. “Oh! I see.” And she’d gone back to studying, smirking like she was in on a private joke.
Kotoko had found her pen and gone back to marking, but fuck, there was something wrong with that kid.
*
In an attempt to return relations to something resembling where they’d been before the first rulings had been handed out, Kotoko had got one of the forms used to request things and approached Es one day. The warden had looked momentarily hunted when they’d seen her coming, only to visibly relax when they’d identified what she was holding.
“Kotoko,” they’d said calmly, though with a touch of wariness. “You want to request something?”
“I’d like to talk to you about it,” Kotoko had replied, handing them the form.
Es scanned the form, looked baffled, glanced up at her, and then read the form again. “You… want to set up a gym here?”
“Not a complete gym,” Kotoko corrected them. “I understand that things like weights could be used as weapons, so I thought a treadmill, an exercise bike, a punching bag, maybe some pull-up bars…”
Es looked down at the form again and then back up at her. “Why?”
“A normal prison allows the inmates to go outside and exercise,” Kotoko had replied. “I understand that Milgram has neither the room nor the facilities, but I feel that we need some kind of physical exercise, since we’ve been cooped up inside for so long.”
Es nodded thoughtfully as they considered the idea. “I see your point. But where would we put all of this?”
“The hall,” Kotoko had said. “Take over one of the corners, it’s not like there’s much in there anyway.”
Es nodded again. “Leave it with me and I’ll see what I can do.”
A couple of days later, Kotoko had been summoned to the hall with the others and had been greeted with the very welcome sight of the equipment she’d asked for, along with some mats that could be used for stretching, or yoga, or something else along those lines. Es had explained things to the others, and she’d noticed a few glances in her direction, but no one said anything.
Over the next few days, just about everyone tried out the new equipment. As Kotoko had said, they all needed some kind of outlet for their energy, so even though the solution had come from her, they were happy to try it. The exercise bike and the treadmill were the most popular, but she saw Haruka trying a few pull-ups and Kazui practicing kicks with the punching bag.
It was good to see.
*
(A couple of days after the new gym had arrived, Kotoko had been passing the hall when she’d heard peals of laughter from within. Intrigued, she’d slipped inside, trying not to interrupt anything.)
(The cause of the laughter was obvious: Yuno, Mu and Mahiru were sitting in the gym-corner, watching as the treadmill moved at a slow pace. On the treadmill was Jackalope, hopping along steadily and keeping up with the rhythm. Kotoko had smiled at the sight, and watched him exercising for a few minutes until Mu had glanced up and seen her, her mouth forming an o of surprise.)
(Mahiru and Yuno had looked up too. Yuno had instantly scowled- that was no surprise- and Mahiru had smiled sadly. That girl was too compassionate for her own good.)
(Kotoko had just left. There was no point in staying.)
*
(A few days after that, Kotoko had been in the gym, practicing her strikes on the punching bag, when she’d heard something like cloth rustling. She’d turned and found Kazui standing behind her, arms folded over his chest.)
(He was there for a reason, obviously. If he’d wanted to attack her, he would have just done it. So she’d taken a drink from her water bottle and waited for him to make the first move.)
(It took him a minute, but finally, he’d spoken.)
(“It was a good idea,” he’d said reluctantly, as though the words needed to be dragged out of his mouth. “The gym. It was a good idea.”)
(She’d just nodded. She knew it was as close as he could get to thanking her, and if she’d told him he was welcome, he would have denied that being the meaning.)
(He’d stared at her for a few more seconds, and then walked off.)
(It was what it was.)
*
All had been peaceful for a while, but all good things must come to an end. The next time she clashes with Mikoto’s other self, she’s doing pull-ups when she gets a feeling like someone’s watching her. A prickling feeling between her shoulder blades.
She drops to the floor, shakes her arms out, and then turns around.
And there he is, sitting backwards on a chair, head propped on his hands.
Kotoko can tell that it’s not Mikoto instantly, because the body language is all wrong. Mikoto is calm, polite, well-meaning, harmless. This Mikoto is… not. It’s her first time getting a good look at him, and everything about him screams danger. His posture is too relaxed, like he’s intentionally trying to look like he’s not a threat. The way he’s sitting makes it look like he’s just there for a chat with a friend, when they both know damn well that they’re as far from being friends as they can get. And he’s smiling, chuckling under his breath, like the whole thing’s one big joke.
Kotoko’s hackles go up and she tenses, preparing herself for another fight. In response, ‘Mikoto’ laughs out loud and holds up a hand. “Hey, now. No fighting between prisoners, remember?”
“How would you even know about that?” Kotoko spits.
“Heard the others talking about it,” he replies, getting to his feet. He’s still relaxed, still chuckling, as if it’s all hilarious. “You know they all think it’s only a matter of time before you go off and kill someone, right?”
“That’s no surprise,” Kotoko replies bluntly. She doesn’t relax. It would be just like this bastard to try to trick her into lowering her defences, and then attacking.
“Relax, already,” he says, walking in an arc around her. “I’m not here to fight you.”
“Then why are you here?” she asks even more bluntly.
“I want to ask you something,” he replies, coming to a stop.
Kotoko’s eyes narrow. “You want to ask me something?”
“That’s what I said.”
“Fine,” she snaps. “Ask your question and leave.”
“After the First Trial,” he says, tapping a finger on his chin. “You attacked Futa.”
Kotoko stares incredulously. “Really? That’s your question?”
“No,” he says patiently. “That’s a preliminary statement. To build up to the question.”
She rolls her eyes. “Oh, for… fine. Yes, I attacked Futa.”
“Why?”
“Because he was guilty. He deserved to be punished for his crime.”
“Right,” ‘Mikoto’ says. “And did you attack Mahiru for the same reason?”
“Is that your question?”
“No, that’s a preliminary question.”
Kotoko is this close to telling him to fuck off, but she doesn’t. Instead, she sighs loudly. “Yes, that’s why I attacked her.”
“So if I hadn’t challenged you first,” he starts, “would you have attacked me?”
Kotoko tilts her head. “That’s your question.”
“No, actually, that’s me clarifying things.”
She grits her teeth for a long second. “Yes. You are guilty and you deserve to be punished. What is your question?”
He stares at her for a long second. “So… you attacked Futa and Mahiru for being guilty, and you would have gone after me next. Why didn’t you attack Amane?”
Kotoko sighs. Really, it should be obvious. “I didn’t say I was going to go after you next. I was punishing people in order, by the numbers.”
He pauses for a moment. “Oh. So you would have attacked Amane next, had I not interrupted you?”
“Exactly,” she says, nodding.
He stares at her. “You’d hurt a child? Someone smaller and weaker than you?”
“In general? No. A child who is a murderer? Yes.”
‘Mikoto’ shakes his head. “I can’t understand that.”
Kotoko looks at him with pure disbelief. “Really? You can’t?”
“She’s a child,” he repeats, like she hasn’t quite understood what he’s trying to say.
“A child who is a murderer, just like all of us.”
“But still a child.”
Kotoko looks away. “Do you really think that children are incapable of doing evil things?”
“I think,” he says carefully, “that if you told me that a child had committed a murder, without any other information, I would first think that it must either be an accident or a case of self-defence.”
Kotoko says nothing, and ‘Mikoto’ continues, “By now, you must have heard enough to know that Milgram is treating every case here as deliberate murder, even people like Futa and Mahiru, who didn’t want or intend for their victims to die.”
“So they say,” she mutters.
“Just go with it for now,” he almost begs her. “For the sake of this conversation.”
“Fine. Yes, I know,” she says curtly.
“And, all right, I’ll say it,” he says. “Yes, I do find it hard to believe that a child could deliberately commit murder- an intentional death that wasn’t in self-defence. But you don’t, obviously.”
“I suppose,” she replies, still looking away, “that it depends on how you define ‘deliberately’.”
“Huh?”
“I was a law student, did you know that?” she asks, looking back at him.
“Yeah, I think you mentioned it…”
“We didn’t just study the law, we looked at past cases, real life crimes. Not just in Japan, but across the world. And I learned about cases where children- not just teenagers, but children- did horrible things, both to other children and to adults. Not just cases of self-defence or accidents. And I accept that most of them were too young to really understand fully what they were doing, but even so, the cases I read… they had a choice. They could have chosen not to do it, or stopped what they did and walked away, but they chose to keep going.”
Neither of them says anything for a moment, and then ‘Mikoto’ asks quietly, “Do you really think that Amane is like that?”
“Have you talked to her recently?” she throws back at him.
“No…”
“Ever since she was found guilty, it’s like her whole personality has changed. It’s become very concerning. Talk to her sometime, you’ll see what I mean.”
“Do you think she might hurt someone?” he asks bluntly.
“I think there’s a chance of it, yes,” Kotoko replies.
“But, someone that small and weak? How much harm could she really do?”
Kotoko resists the urge to roll her eyes. “For all that Es tries to stop us from having weapons, there’s plenty of ways she could kill someone if she wanted to.”
“Like what?” he challenges her.
Kotoko ticks them off on her fingers. “Break a glass, take a sharp shard and cut someone’s throat or shove it into their eye. Or, break a glass, grind it up, put the shards in someone’s food. Smother them in their sleep. If she broke a chair, she could take a leg and hit someone over the head-”
There’s a very dark look in ‘Mikoto’s eyes, and she doesn’t know why, but she doesn’t like it at all.
“The point is,” Kotoko says, “there’s a lot of things that she could do. And let’s be real, if anyone gets badly hurt for whatever reason, I don’t like their chances. All we have is Shidou and whatever medical supplies Es allows him. If someone, say, slipped in the shower and broke a leg, I don’t think we could get them to a hospital- have you seen any ways to get out around here?”
The dark look recedes from ‘Mikoto’s eyes, and he shakes his head. “I see your point.”
“Good,” Kotoko says. “Because even if Es magically prevented everyone from harming everyone else in any way, I don’t think they can magically prevent accidents. And everyone seems to think that I’m the biggest danger here-”
“You are,” ‘Mikoto’ says. “And that’s coming from me.”
Kotoko glares at him. “What I’m saying is, I think people are so focused on me that they’re not looking out for other threats. We’re all murderers, so why should that mean that only one of us is willing to harm the others here?”
‘Mikoto’ chuckles. “So, really, this is you doing us a kindness by taking out the pre-teen?”
Kotoko’s glare intensifies. “I punish the guilty so they won’t harm the innocent. If that means attacking a child who intends to harm others, then so be it.” She takes a deep breath, and adds, “Like I said, go talk to her and see for yourself. You’ll see what I mean.”
“And if you’re wrong?” he asks slowly.
“Then I’m wrong,” she says with a shrug. “I don’t want to be right. I don’t want to hurt her. No matter what you think of me, I don’t want to hurt a child. But if it comes down to it, I’d rather be the only person who was prepared to accept that she was a threat, and was prepared to protect everyone else from her, than another person who thought she couldn’t possibly hurt anyone, and refused to see that she could be a threat. I want to keep other people safe, even if that means being the bad guy.”
‘Mikoto’ doesn’t respond for a second, and then he smiles slowly. “Amazing. You actually do have a heart.”
Kotoko’s eyes narrow. “Excuse me?”
“Here I was,” he drawls, “thinking you were just some cold, ruthless murderer. And it turns out that you do have things like compassion and empathy. Isn’t that amazing?”
Kotoko breaks his teeth with one punch wraps her hands around his throat shoves her thumbs into his eyes knocks him to the floor and slams his head into the ground until he stops moving curls her fingers into fists, and then forces herself to relax.
One hit, she tries to tell herself. One hit, just one…
But she doesn’t. Instead, she clenches her teeth so hard together that she feels her jaw creak as he walks toward her, his head tilted a little.
She’s expecting a sarcastic remark or an insult. Instead, his fingers brush against her skin, his hand cupping her cheek. She feels warmth spread through her body from his touch, and she shivers, so taken aback that she has no idea what to do.
He leans in, his voice quiet. “You know something? I really enjoyed our fight.”
You weren’t supposed to enjoy it, she wants to say. I’ll still kill you one day, she wants to say. Stop acting like we’re friends, you son of a bitch, she wants to say. But she doesn’t. Instead, she just watches as he steps away from her, winks, and turns around, walking out of the hall like he doesn’t have a care in the world.
Once he’s gone, it’s like whatever spell he had on her just shatters. Kotoko turns and starts attacking the bag savagely, without a care to technique or protecting her hands. She only stops when she’s out of breath, her hands pulsing with pain. She takes several heaving breaths and goes to get an ice pack, trying to force herself to think about anything other than what just happened.
She’s not successful.