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Percy stares down at the road below him. His legs swing over the side of the bridge, hanging off the edge. Wind blows harshly against his face and he knows he should be freezing, but he can’t seem to feel the cold. The breeze feels restless, pushing and pulling at his body as if saying make a decision.
He blinks hard, shaking his head slightly, there is no decision to make. Percy would never actually jump or anything, he's just here to clear his mind, that's all.
Then why didn't you go to the river?
Whenever Percy can’t get his mind straight, his first instinct is to sit by the ocean. Usually, if he felt like this, he would find himself sat on the edge of the bridge near his apartment. It hovers directly over a river. The crashing and rushing water somehow manages to ground him in a way that nothing else can.
But today, he purposely sought out this bridge; one overlooking a road instead of water. He tells himself it's because he needs a change in scenery, but he knows that’s a lie.
Percy came here because he doesn't want to feel the power that radiates to him from the water. More like, he doesn't want to feel the power the water has over him.
When his emotions spiral, the water reacts along with him, creating whirlpools and destruction. He has no control over it, no control over the things his anger and pain can cause.
He remembers the day Annabeth- he winces at the thought of her name- told him that Perseus means to destroy.
Percy doesn't think he's ever heard something more fitting. He's been running from the possibility that he might live up to his name ever since.
He wonders how the water would behave now, when he’s not feeling anything at all. He doesn’t really care to find out.
He just wants control. He needs it. And Percy knows that's the real reason why he's here.
He craves the control he has over his life when he's sat like this, hundreds of feet above the concrete. It's his choice of whether he lives or dies. No one else's. Not the gods', or any monster's, or even the water that refuses to let him drown.
If he falls now, there will be nothing there to catch him.
But that doesn't matter. Because he won't jump. He won't.
Right?
Percy can't help but picture the guilt Annabeth would feel if he did. And he's reminded of what led him here to begin with.
He and Annabeth had broken up for good, just a couple hours ago. It was a long time coming, something that they both knew was bound to happen.
Percy can’t remember when things changed. But one moment, things were fine, and then they weren't.
Annabeth is constantly busy. She is studying architecture, making new friends, and before he knew it, they were seeing each other less and less because she was just busy.
And he's happy for her. She deserves everything she's getting. She deserves a real chance at life after everything.
It's not like Percy's not also to blame for their drifting apart. He’s not exactly easy to talk to as of late. He can hardly manage to do chores around his apartment, let alone manage a healthy social life. He just feels like he’s stuck and everything is moving around him. He decided to take a gap year after graduating high school because he didn’t know what else to do. Also because he felt like if he didn’t take a break, he would collapse.
It’s like he has no direction in life. He is stagnant. He’s stuck in the past.
At first, being with Annabeth had helped him cope with all that has happened to them. It made him feel less alone. She was his anchor to the world.
Then suddenly, everyone started to move on, and seeing Annabeth just served as a sour reminder of everything they have lost.
Every time he looked at her, he was back in the wars, or he was back in Tartarus and he couldn't breathe and all he could hear was some things aren't meant to be controlled.
That seems to be the root of all of his problems: control. The constant push and pull he has with himself, of not knowing the true extent of his abilities. Not knowing if he wants to find out.
The sound of a car horn down below startles Percy out of his thoughts. He realizes with a start that he had allowed the wind to nudge him even closer to the edge.
Numbness flows through his entire body and he wonders, for a moment, what it would feel like to fall with nothing to catch you. Would he feel something then?
He's always been afraid of flying, but falling? That's something completely different.
His thoughts drift back to the St. Louis Arch. Percy feels a familiar sensation of nausea fill him at the thought of his first quest. When things felt so complicated, but were still so simple.
He thinks of Annabeth and the way things were when they were still naive. Before things changed and got so much better then got so much worse.
He pushes the thought out of his head. He doesn't want to think about it. Percy doesn't want to think about anything.
He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He hesitates before pulling it out. If someone is calling, it is probably his mom.
Percy couldn’t bring himself to ignore her. The last thing she needs is to stress about his well being. The screen lit up, momentarily blinding him in the darkness of the night. When his eyes adjust, he’s taken aback by the name he sees.
Jason Grace.
Percy blinks dumbly at the screen. He and Jason hadn't talked in a while. Annabeth had heard from Piper that Jason was also taking a gap year, but that is the extent of what Percy knows.
They had sent a couple of messages back and forth, just checking up. It’s something that feels necessary as a Half-Blood, when your life is constantly in danger.
Still, Percy appreciates the occasional message he did get from Jason, asking how things are.
But why is Jason calling him now?
Percy glances at the time, taken aback once again by the fact that the clock reads 1:43am.
Has he really been sat here for that long? The sun had just set when he arrived.
Then another thing occurs to him. If Jason is calling this late, then something must be wrong.
Through the numbness, Percy has enough sense to be concerned. Finally, he clicks the green button, answering the phone before it stops ringing.
"Hey," Percy winces at how rough his voice sounds, "What's up?"
"Percy," Jason says. For some odd reason, he sounds relieved, "Where are you?"
Percy pauses for a moment. Jason's tone is a little weird, but there is none of the usual urgency that comes with being in danger. He seems like he’s fine. Percy has no reason to tell Jason where he really is. All that would do is cause unnecessary worry.
So, he lies, "I'm at my apartment, why?"
It is quiet for a moment and Percy can hear Jason's footsteps in the silence before, "No, you're not."
"What?"
"Annabeth told Piper about.. about what happened." Jason explains, "She's with Annabeth right now and I figured I would check on you. You weren't answering the door."
Percy suddenly feels trapped. Jason knows he lied and now he's probably going to want to find out where he actually is.
He has the sudden urge to just hang up the call and shut off his phone, but he knows he can't. That would make Jason worry. No one should be worried about Percy.
So, like a moron, Percy simply mutters a quiet, "Oh."
"Are you safe?" Jason asks, and Percy clearly failed at not worrying him because Jason sounds very worried.
Percy's first instinct is to say, yes, of course I'm safe, but he hesitates.
Is he safe?
He stares down at the road once again and watches as the cars speed past. Percy knows he can't jump, he knows that's not an option. It shouldn't be an option.
Percy can't cause anyone more pain than he already has.
But the wind seems to whisper and push him forward yet again, make a decision.
Percy must have taken too long to answer because Jason speaks up again, "Percy, just tell me where you are, okay? I'll come to you."
For some odd reason, Percy feels compelled to listen. He knows he should be safe on his own. Percy shouldn't be considering doing anything that would make him unsafe.
And yet, he thinks about the way he had leaned forward, getting closer to the edge without even realising it. Percy isn't safe here, not when he's alone.
"Okay," He says, so softly that he's afraid Jason might not have heard. But then, he hears Jason let out a sigh of relief and he knows that he had.
Percy pulls his phone back from his ear, sending a text of his location to Jason. He lets his phone slip out of his hand and clatter to the ground. It narrowly avoids tumbling down onto the road below, but he finds that he doesn't really care.
The numbness seems to return ten-fold, and Percy shuts his eyes, allowing his body to sway with the wind. He is hit with a wave of exhaustion.
Distantly, he knows that Jason will be here soon. The bridge isn't far from his apartment. Percy also knows that he should probably scoot away from the edge. The sight of him sat like this will probably be more worrisome than anything else.
He doesn't move.
He suddenly doesn't have the energy to want control. Maybe he should just give up his life to the wind, letting it decide whether or not he falls.
The wind seems to grow harsher at that thought, whipping wildly through his hair. Percy can almost appreciate the sensation.
Just as Percy can feel himself tipping forwards, the wind stops. The air goes completely still.
It's so jarring that Percy is startled into opening his eyes just as a voice speaks behind him, "Percy?"
Percy turns and his heart constricts at the sight of Jason. His blonde hair is dishevelled, blue eyes wide, and he looks so concerned that Percy can't stand looking at him.
He turns back to the road.
"Percy-"
"I'm fine, Jason." Percy says. No one has asked if he wasn't, but Percy feels the need to say it anyway. He's fine.
"Can you- can you back up a little?" Jason asks. He hasn't moved since Percy looked at him, as if he's afraid that the slightest movement would set Percy off.
Percy should do what Jason asked, just to give him some peace of mind. But something tells him that if he moves now, Percy won't be able to come back here for a long time.
He thinks for a moment, before speaking, "Why are you here, Jason?"
The question sounds stupid the moment he says it because he knows the answer. Jason is here for him. He knows that. But why?
"We're friends." Jason says, as if that explains it all, "I'm here because I want to help."
Percy wants to laugh. He wonders why Jason hasn't just grabbed him by now and pulled him back. Or, better yet, used the wind to yank Percy away from the edge.
Maybe Jason's afraid that he might not be able to save him. Would the wind be able to pull Percy back? If he fell, would it be enough to catch him?
Percy wonders, if someone were in Percy's position, hovering over a body of water instead, would he trust himself enough to be able to save them if they fell? Would he hesitate like Jason is now?
He doesn't know.
He hears Jason shift behind him, "Percy, please."
For a moment, Percy's mind stutters to a halt. Jason's tone seems to tug at the blanket of numbness that encompasses him.
What is he doing? Why is he making Jason plead with him like this? Jason's worried because of him. He's worried and he shouldn't be. Percy is supposed to be fine.
But he's not fine. And that's the most horrible part of it all. Everyone around him is moving forward and he's just stuck. He has no direction. He has no where to go.
But right now, he has a choice to make; a direction to choose. Forward or back?
Percy feels himself tense up and he hears Jason startle behind him.
Finally, he pushes himself backwards, away from the edge.
His palms scrape against the concrete and the wall of numbness he has built around himself comes crumbling down. Tears burn at his eyes as he struggles to take a steady breath.
He feels Jason collapse beside him, arms wrapping around his torso, pulling him further back.
Percy's lungs constrict painfully and suddenly, the idea of falling doesn't seem so appealing anymore. He can't breathe and now he's gonna die, right when he decided he wants to live.
"Percy," It feels like Percy's head is underwater, Jason's voice sounds muffled and far away, "You need to breathe. You're okay, just breathe."
Percy lets out a strangled cough, unable to drag in a breath. Spots dance around his vision. He's going to die.
"In and out, Percy, just follow my breathing. It's going to be okay."
Finally, Percy goes limp in Jason's arms, trying to follow his breathing. The world around him is blurry and he shuts his eyes, trying to focus on the rise and fall of Jason's chest.
He's not sure how much time passes before he opens his eyes again, looking at the concrete. His mind is fuzzy and he stays like that for a bit, staring at one spot, breathing in time with Jason.
"Are you alright, now?" Jason asks quietly. Percy can't seem to bring himself to respond, his brain lagging behind. Jason doesn't seem to mind, simply tightening his hold on Percy.
Percy is still a bit out of it when he finally blinks, opening his mouth, whispering to Jason, "I'm sorry."
Jason's response is instant, whispering right back, "It's alright." He loosens his grip, but Percy stays there. He doesn't know if he has the energy to move at all, let alone go back to his apartment right now.
They're quiet for a while longer. He supposes Jason can sense that he needs more time to get his mind straight. At some point, Jason begins rubbing circles onto Percy's arm, grounding him further.
Finally, Percy shifts, pulling away and sitting across from Jason. He feels the need to repeat himself, "I'm sorry."
Jason gives him a sad sort of smile, "Don't apologise. It's okay, just let me help you."
Percy hesitates, “This isn’t your responsibility. You shouldn’t be worrying about me.”
Jason frowns, “We’re friends, Percy. It is my responsibility. Friends worry about each other.”
Percy ignores the way his heart clenches at the word friends. Jason just doesn’t understand. Things aren’t supposed to work this way. No one is supposed to have to help Percy. He should be able to help himself.
Jason must sense that he’s not going to respond, because he speaks again, “Piper and I broke up a couple months ago.”
Percy’s mouth nearly drops open in surprise. He hadn’t known that.
His expression must show his shock because Jason smiles, “Don’t worry about not knowing, you’re not late to the party. We haven’t told anyone yet.”
Percy almost wants to ask why Jason is telling him now if they haven’t told anyone, but he knows why. Jason is trying to make a point, but Percy can’t draw the connection.
He thinks of him and Annabeth, of how unhappy they’ve been lately, and he can’t seem to apply it to Jason and Piper.
“But you guys seemed so happy.” Percy says. He just doesn’t understand.
“We are happy,” Jason says, “now more than ever. The relationship was just adding pressure that neither of us needed. It was breaking our friendship apart.”
Then Percy asks a question that he’s terrified to hear the answer to, “And- and you guys are still friends?”
Jason nods with a smile, “How could we not be? After everything?”
At that, Percy feels a weight lift off of his shoulders; weight that he hadn’t even realized was there.
He took a moment to imagine himself and Annabeth as just friends. Surprisingly, he could picture it easily. No pressure to be a couple, no pressure to be perfect, they could just be.
Percy doesn’t know what he would do with himself if he lost Annabeth. But maybe he hasn’t lost her, maybe things have just changed.
Then he looks at Jason, who is now watching him with careful concern, who went out of his way to be here even though Percy had shut him out along with everyone else.
Percy doesn’t know what he did to deserve any of the people in his life. But they’re still here and that is a luxury a lot of people no longer have after everything. Just to be able to be here and to exist is a privilege Percy is lucky to have.
And he almost threw that away. He would’ve, if it weren’t for Jason showing up when he did.
The realization is so dizzying that Percy can’t take it. A second wave of exhaustion settles over him. He pushes everything that has happened tonight out of his mind and focuses on right now. And right now, he wants to go back to the warmth of his apartment with Jason, and he just wants to sleep.
Jason must see the weariness in his expression because he stands, holding out a hand to Percy, "Let's go back to your apartment. We will figure this out, okay?"
Percy grabs his hand, smiling at the we in the statement. Jason's not leaving. Maybe Percy doesn't have to deal with things alone, for a change.
He doesn't acknowledge the fact that Jason holds his hand the whole way back to the apartment. Percy simply lets it be.
Percy doesn't know where he's going in life. Maybe he doesn't have a direction. But for now, all he has to do is put one foot in front of the other. He just has to allow himself to be tugged along, to the safety of his apartment.
For now, that is enough.